The Biggest A**hole in Equestria

by BaronVonBadGrammar

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Suicide / Self Harm, Sex, Profanity, Random, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Main 6
Length: 1097

A man that hates everything that exists, every, single, thing. A man in a trenchcoat then takes him to a world filled with happiness and rainbows. This one man is going to take the town of Ponyville for the ride of its life.

"This place stinks like shit, you smell like rotten cotton candy and the weird purple thing keeps looking at me. I hate you and everything that's here." Not the nicest words ever said, but no one ever said he was nice. This "kind" soul now lives in a place he couldn't hate more. He hates it here and he'll make sure everyone else does too.

Published 2018-10-01 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-01 17:30:01 UTC

Don't Touch Me

"Leave me alone, your face is weird and you smell of cheese. You have more spots then skin cells, it's fucking disgusting. It's like staring at a yellow volcano." An angry looking with his arms cross says to a small girl.

The girl runs away crying.

"How can you say that to a child?" A woman asks as she steps up to the man.

"Child? Oh! You mean the walking puss pile? I couldn't see her past the puddles of nastiness on her face." The man grumbles.

"You disgusting, evil piece of shit." The woman growls at the man.

"Sorry sir did you say something?" The man asks the woman.

The woman then slaps the guy before turning away.

"Nah, definitely a woman. You may look like a man but you hit like a 3 year old girl." The man chuckles.

The woman turns around and punches him square on the nose. The man falls to the ground and clutches his nose.

"How about that for hitting like a 3 year old girl?" The woman asks with a smirk.

"Wait, that was you? I thought a bird just shat on my nose. I was gonna try and wipe it off but now that I know it was just you I don't have to worry." The man groans as he stands back up.

The woman starts to visibly shake in anger.

"You annoying asshole!" The woman shouts at him.

"Oh no, my poor fragile heart. How will I cope with being called an asshole for the 19th time today?" The man asks in a mocking tone.

The woman walks away with a growl.

"Now then, where's that kid.... I wasn't finished mocking her." The man says with smile.

A tall man in a trenchcoat and a fedora walks up to him, clapping his hands.

"Jesus christ, did 4chan just find me? Hey dude, you look like the kind of guy to own a katana and talk about how 'you'll kill anyone who thinks adults shouldn't watch MLP'." The man laughs.

"You are exactly what I'm looking for." The man in the trenchcoat says as he reaches to grab the man.

The man then slaps away the guy in the trenchcoat's hand.

"Don't touch me, you're probably coated in dorito dust and monster energy drink." The man says as he takes a step back.

"Just let me grab you." The man in the trenchcoat groans.

"I just said no "m'lady", back up or I'll punch you right in the neckbeard." The man says with growl.

The guy in the trenchcoat then tries to grab the man again, only for his hand to be slapped away again.

"No, you're fucking disgusting. Do, not, touch, me. You look like you'd have a child in your house that wasn't yours." The man mocks.

"Just, let me, fucking, grab you!" The man in the trenchcoat growls.

"I, just, said, no." The man growls back.

The man in the trenchcoat tries to grab the man again only to once again have his hands slapped away.

"LET ME FUCKING GRAB YOU!" The man in the trenchcoat screams.

"Nope." The man says as he crosses his hands.

"YOU ANNOYING LITTLE ASSHOLE!" The man in the trenchcoat shouts.

The man in the trenchcoat throws his trenchcoat off in anger, revealing a creature that looked like a mixture of a bunch of animals.

"Wow, you look like god shoved a bunch of animal body parts up his nose then sneezed them out." The man says as he takes a step back.

The creature then punched the man, knocking him to the ground.

"You, fucking, nuisance!" The creature growls.

"Stick and stones mister frankenstein." The man mocks.

The creature then grabs the collar of the mans shirt and fades through the floor with the man in tow.

"What the hell is going on?" The man asks.

"Shut up! I was gonna explain it to you but you ruined that chance by being such an asshole." The creature growls.

"Fine then, take your explanation and stick it up your ass." The man grumbles.

"Enjoy your stay!" The creature growls as it throws him into what looks like a cartoon version of earth.

The man lands on the ground with a loud thud.

"This place sucks, the colours are too bright and my ass hurts from the fall." The man groans as he stands up, rubbing the pain away from his butt.

The man looks around him and sees a sight that made him sigh in annoyance. In the distance was a bright and colourful looking town.

"That place looks too happy, I can feel my skin crawling from just looking at it." The man grumbles.

The man then puts his right hand in his pocket and walks in the opposite direction of the town.

"HELLO!" A pink horse shouts as it pops into view in front of him.

"Please die." The man groans as he walks past the pink horse.

"That's not very nice, mister human." The pink horse says as it bursts into his view.

"Sorry to break it too you cotton candy, but I aren't very nice. In fact, I revel in upsettin others, whether that be by being mean or by being as offensive as possible." The man explains to the pink horse.

"My name's not cotton candy, silly! My name's Pinkie Pie, what's yours?" The pink horse asks.

"The name's Big Daddy, but you can just call me Daddy." The man says with a smirk.

"Okie dokie! Welcome to Equestria Daddy!" Pinkie Pie says excitedly.

The man snickers and shakes his head.

"Yeah, thanks Pinkie whatever. Now, if you don't mind, I'd rather forget that you exist so, if you wouldn't mind fucking off that would make my life that little bit better." The man says as he continues to walk away from Pinkie Pie.

"There's no need to swear Daddy, you should learn to be kinder to others!" Pinkie Pie says excitedly.

"If where to start being kind to others then the world would end." The man groans.

"Oh my god, really?" Pinkie Pie asks.

"No you fucking autistic looking sheep." The man groans.

"That's not very kind, you shouldn't make fun of someone for the way they look!" Pinkie Pie explains.

"Right.... Well I'm gonna continue to make fun of the way people and you weird horses look." The man replies.

Author's Note

Well, this guy is nice isn't he?

Why not tell me what you thought to this chapter, did you like it? Did you hate it?