The Angst in My Veins

Rainbow woke up in a cold sweat. By now, it was just another event she was used to. Twenty years of loneliness had conditioned her psyche to accept the thoughts that entered her mind. Her mane had grown a great deal longer, covering her right eye and extending past the brow of the other. The dark clothes she wore provided her only source of warmth and security. She rubbed her face and turned on the radio settled atop the desk next to her.

"I've gotta' stop doing this..."

Twilight Sparkle was out in Ponyville shopping for groceries and supplies. Ever since Fluttershy's funeral and Rainbow's disappearance, the town felt unusually empty. Everyone else eventually moved on, but Twilight and what remained of her friends rarely smiled or laughed anymore. Their only solace consisted of the fond times they remembered - times they would never get back.

The Alicorn princess was passing through the town square when she noticed a Pegasus roaming around. She seemed lost. Being the altruistic soul she was, Twilight offered to help.

"Excuse me, ma'am. Is something wrong?"

"Hey, Twilight..."

"Do I know you?"

"Guess I really have changed, huh?"

Twilight's recollections began to seep in. There was no mistaking it. That mane, and those eyes...

"Rainbow Dash!?"

"Long time no see."

"I didn't recognize you! How have you been!?"

"It's a long story."

"You vanished out of the blue! We were so worried!"

"Sorry..."

"Don't apologize. I'm just glad you're safe."

"I almost wasn't."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't show you here. Can we go to the castle?"

"Of course! I'm almost done here anyway."

"You look tired."

"I am."

"Where were you all this time?"

"I went as far northwest as I could. I needed somewhere I could fall apart without causing anybody problems."

"Fall apart how?"

"I think I snapped and went into some kind of psychotic episode. I couldn't tell the difference between night and day anymore."

"Is that why you came back?"

"Maybe..."

"I'm glad you're here now."

"Thanks. What have you guys been up to since I left?"

"We're all pretty much married with kids at this point."

"I'm happy for you."

"What about you? Did you meet anyone you like?"

"Honestly, Twi, I don't think I could live that kind of life. After all this, it just wouldn't feel right."

"I understand."

Twilight paid the shopkeeper. She and Rainbow left and marched towards the castle.

"What did you want to show me?"

Rainbow exhaled, the traces of sadness ever so clear. The strain was too great to continue hiding the truth. She took off her hooded jacket and placed it on a nearby chair. Her forelegs were covered in scars.

"Oh my God..."

"It started with sobbing and screaming. The dreams and nightmares came next. I see her face in every one of 'em. For the first few years, I didn't take very good care of myself. Eventually, I just slept as much as I could."

"Did you even leave the place you were staying until now?"

"Once in awhile to get food. Other than that, no."

Flash Sentry walked into the room. His mane and goatee had grown longer and darker, and his voice was considerably deeper.

"R-rainbow dash!?"

"What's up, bud?"

"You're not...A ghost...Are you?"

"If my legs are any indication, probably not."

"What happened to you!?"

"Razor blade..."

"Honey," Twilight interjected, "Would you mind getting Starfall? I want her to meet Rainbow."

"Yeah," Flash replied, still shaken by Rainbow's reemergence.

Rainbow replaced the strip of clothing she had removed barely a minute before.

"I don't want the kid to see these."

Twilight nodded.

"Where are Scoots and her friends?"

"They've all left town. It's natural to be curious at their ages, I suppose."

"I missed them growing up, huh...?"

"Everyone processes grief differently. You did what you felt you had to."

"I miss her, Twi. The pain just won't go away..."

"The pain is there to remind us she existed. Without it, we wouldn't have anything."

"The worst part is, I knew this might happen. I did everything I could to help, but it was all too much for her."

"She knows you tried your best."

"I wish I could believe that."

Flash returned with his and Twilight's sixteen-year-old daughter Starfall Sentry. She shared her mother's coat and her father's mane and eyes.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Hi. You're Rainbow Dash, right?"

"The one and only."

"Mom told me about you. I'm sorry about Fluttershy."

"I wish you could've gotten the chance to meet her."

"Me too."

"Would you like to stay with us tonight," Twilight offered, "Spike will be back soon."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. We'd love to have you."

"I think I'll take you up on that."

Twilight hugged her long lost friend. Flash and Starfall joined in shortly after.

Spike returned to the castle two or three hours later. Everyone else filled him in on the events that transpired in his absence. He expressed the same concern as the rest of his family. Wanting to surround Rainbow with as much love and support as possible, all of them made the choice to bunk together in Twilight's and Flash's room. Twilight and Rainbow took the bed while Flash, Spike, and Starfall made pallets on the floor.

Twilight woke up in the middle of the night with a strong sensation of heat near her face. When she caught a glimpse of Rainbow Dash, she could see the tears flowing freely. Rainbow's distress was so overpowering it was physically manifesting itself by creating a feverish heat wave. Twilight began stroking her mane. Little by little, the grieving Pegasus calmed down.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here."

Rainbow's breaths regulated themselves. Her mind soon let itself be lost in the landscape of her dreams. Twilight may not have been able to protect her in the waking world, but the Alicorn princess would make certain her dreams wouldn't be wasted on misery.

The next morning, Rainbow had breakfast with Twilight, Flash, Starfall, and Spike. She seemed somewhat more rested than she had the previous day.

"How'd you sleep," Twilight asked.

"Pretty good, actually."

"Any dreams about her?"

"One I think."

"Did she say anything?"

"I can't remember exactly, but...I think she said...I would be okay."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Seeing you guys again really took a lot of the weight off my shoulders. I was too whacked out of my head until now to figure out how big a mistake leaving was."

"You blamed yourself for something that was beyond your control. That would drive anyone crazy."

"Until all this, I thought I had everything figured out. I guess I don't really know much of anything."

"I'll tell you a secret - I don't either. Reality is different from books. Text presents the few facts we do know. The real world forces us to face the unknown every second."

"The one thing I do know is, you guys saved my life. You know that, right?"

"I had a sneaking suspicion you were at the crossroads. I don't think we were the ones that pulled you back, though. In the end, it was your call."

"Without you, I wouldn't have had anything to come back to."

"Don't sell yourself short. You're stronger than you think - maybe even stronger than the rest of us."

They finished breakfast before exiting the castle.

"What are you gonna' do now?"

"I still have to find everyone else."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Stay safe, okay?"

Rainbow hugged each member of the family before flying away.