The Angst in My Veins

by MellowSoul

Rating: mature
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Fluttershy, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Sad, Rainbow Dash
Length: 2929

Fluttershy makes the ultimate decision. Rainbow must learn how to carry on.

Unable to cope with her overwhelming anxiety, Fluttershy makes up her mind to end her suffering. When her body is discovered by her oldest friend, Rainbow's life is ripped to shreds. Years later, Rainbow returns to Ponyville, forever changed by the memory of the mare she once considered family.

Published 2018-10-05 09:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-07 18:11:31 UTC

Prologue: Bottom of the World

Fluttershy stared into the mirror hung on her bathroom wall. For as long as she could remember, she'd been timid; afraid of everything down to her own shadow. The effects of her anxiety had become increasingly isolating. Aside from her few close friends, she almost never spoke to anyone. When she could find the courage to voice her thoughts, they were barely audible. Every attempt to modify her behavior had failed. She would either become too aggressive or be completely resistant to the treatment. As a filly, she had become dependent on Rainbow Dash to take the stand for her. The more she recalled this fact, the more like a burden she felt. As she was now, she could hardly leave her home enough to earn the money she desperately needed. Her animal companions were all she felt she had left. The idea of suicide had crossed her mind several times before, but being who she was, she was too afraid to act on those thoughts. This time was different, though. She had mentally readied herself and accepted what consequences may come as a result. She figured if she went to hell, it couldn't be any worse than what she had already endured. Taking the sleeping pills from her medicine cabinet, she opened the bottle. She began taking them in large doses, washing them down with water as she did so. When the bottle was empty, she left the bathroom and slowly made her way to her bed. She got under the blanket and closed her eyes. This was to be her last sunset...

Rainbow Dash knocked on the door of Fluttershy's cottage. Her intention was to ask her childhood companion to borrow a few ingredients for food. She wanted to accomplish this task quickly, as a storm was approaching.

"Fluttershy? You in there?"

Rainbow attempted to turn the knob. To her surprise, it was unlocked. She stepped inside.

"Hello?"

The blue Pegasus saw her friend lying on the bed near the rightmost wall. Like anyone else would had they entered the scene instead, Rainbow assumed Fluttershy was sleeping. She tried to shake her awake.

"Wakey Wakey, Sleepyhead."

Fluttershy was unresponsive.

"Fluttershy...?"

When Rainbow stopped to try to figure out why her yellow-coated counterpart wasn't stirring from her slumber, she noticed Fluttershy wasn't breathing.

"Fluttershy...!?"

Rainbow tried to shake her friend harder, but to no avail. She was left with no other option but to check for a pulse. To her horror, she couldn't feel anything. Fluttershy was gone. Rainbow backed away before falling to the floor. The shock dramatically increased the strain her body put on her legs. She couldn't bring herself to move or speak. The rain started falling...

When news of Fluttershy's death reached the ears of the townsfolk, everyone was heartbroken. The autopsy revealed the drugs in her system. Many suspected Rainbow of causing her demise, but those suspicions were quickly put to rest after a search of Fluttershy's cottage was conducted. The guards found the empty pill bottle and water glass. They determined the cause of death was self-imposed.

After all the necessary information had been collected, the grieving process began. Fluttershy was buried in the small yard behind her home. Many tears were shed in the wake of her loss. All her friends and the animals she watched over attended. Rainbow took her passing particularly hard. She had known Fluttershy longer than anyone else. Now all she had were memories.

"Will you be okay," Twilight had asked her.

"I don't know..."

Weeks passed without anyone hearing from Rainbow. After she felt enough time had elapsed, Twilight went to visit her friend in mourning. Things took an ominous turn when Rainbow was nowhere to be found. After asking around Cloudsdale, Twilight discovered Rainbow had resigned from the weather team the day after the funeral. Twilight, Pinkamena, Applejack, and Rarity orchestrated a search for their missing compatriot. To their dismay, they were never able to track her down. When Rainbow resurfaced, they would learn the true extent of her misery...

Subconscious Terror

Rainbow woke up in a cold sweat. By now, it was just another event she was used to. Twenty years of loneliness had conditioned her psyche to accept the thoughts that entered her mind. Her mane had grown a great deal longer, covering her right eye and extending past the brow of the other. The dark clothes she wore provided her only source of warmth and security. She rubbed her face and turned on the radio settled atop the desk next to her.

"I've gotta' stop doing this..."

Twilight Sparkle was out in Ponyville shopping for groceries and supplies. Ever since Fluttershy's funeral and Rainbow's disappearance, the town felt unusually empty. Everyone else eventually moved on, but Twilight and what remained of her friends rarely smiled or laughed anymore. Their only solace consisted of the fond times they remembered - times they would never get back.

The Alicorn princess was passing through the town square when she noticed a Pegasus roaming around. She seemed lost. Being the altruistic soul she was, Twilight offered to help.

"Excuse me, ma'am. Is something wrong?"

"Hey, Twilight..."

"Do I know you?"

"Guess I really have changed, huh?"

Twilight's recollections began to seep in. There was no mistaking it. That mane, and those eyes...

"Rainbow Dash!?"

"Long time no see."

"I didn't recognize you! How have you been!?"

"It's a long story."

"You vanished out of the blue! We were so worried!"

"Sorry..."

"Don't apologize. I'm just glad you're safe."

"I almost wasn't."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't show you here. Can we go to the castle?"

"Of course! I'm almost done here anyway."

"You look tired."

"I am."

"Where were you all this time?"

"I went as far northwest as I could. I needed somewhere I could fall apart without causing anybody problems."

"Fall apart how?"

"I think I snapped and went into some kind of psychotic episode. I couldn't tell the difference between night and day anymore."

"Is that why you came back?"

"Maybe..."

"I'm glad you're here now."

"Thanks. What have you guys been up to since I left?"

"We're all pretty much married with kids at this point."

"I'm happy for you."

"What about you? Did you meet anyone you like?"

"Honestly, Twi, I don't think I could live that kind of life. After all this, it just wouldn't feel right."

"I understand."

Twilight paid the shopkeeper. She and Rainbow left and marched towards the castle.

"What did you want to show me?"

Rainbow exhaled, the traces of sadness ever so clear. The strain was too great to continue hiding the truth. She took off her hooded jacket and placed it on a nearby chair. Her forelegs were covered in scars.

"Oh my God..."

"It started with sobbing and screaming. The dreams and nightmares came next. I see her face in every one of 'em. For the first few years, I didn't take very good care of myself. Eventually, I just slept as much as I could."

"Did you even leave the place you were staying until now?"

"Once in awhile to get food. Other than that, no."

Flash Sentry walked into the room. His mane and goatee had grown longer and darker, and his voice was considerably deeper.

"R-rainbow dash!?"

"What's up, bud?"

"You're not...A ghost...Are you?"

"If my legs are any indication, probably not."

"What happened to you!?"

"Razor blade..."

"Honey," Twilight interjected, "Would you mind getting Starfall? I want her to meet Rainbow."

"Yeah," Flash replied, still shaken by Rainbow's reemergence.

Rainbow replaced the strip of clothing she had removed barely a minute before.

"I don't want the kid to see these."

Twilight nodded.

"Where are Scoots and her friends?"

"They've all left town. It's natural to be curious at their ages, I suppose."

"I missed them growing up, huh...?"

"Everyone processes grief differently. You did what you felt you had to."

"I miss her, Twi. The pain just won't go away..."

"The pain is there to remind us she existed. Without it, we wouldn't have anything."

"The worst part is, I knew this might happen. I did everything I could to help, but it was all too much for her."

"She knows you tried your best."

"I wish I could believe that."

Flash returned with his and Twilight's sixteen-year-old daughter Starfall Sentry. She shared her mother's coat and her father's mane and eyes.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Hi. You're Rainbow Dash, right?"

"The one and only."

"Mom told me about you. I'm sorry about Fluttershy."

"I wish you could've gotten the chance to meet her."

"Me too."

"Would you like to stay with us tonight," Twilight offered, "Spike will be back soon."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. We'd love to have you."

"I think I'll take you up on that."

Twilight hugged her long lost friend. Flash and Starfall joined in shortly after.

Spike returned to the castle two or three hours later. Everyone else filled him in on the events that transpired in his absence. He expressed the same concern as the rest of his family. Wanting to surround Rainbow with as much love and support as possible, all of them made the choice to bunk together in Twilight's and Flash's room. Twilight and Rainbow took the bed while Flash, Spike, and Starfall made pallets on the floor.

Twilight woke up in the middle of the night with a strong sensation of heat near her face. When she caught a glimpse of Rainbow Dash, she could see the tears flowing freely. Rainbow's distress was so overpowering it was physically manifesting itself by creating a feverish heat wave. Twilight began stroking her mane. Little by little, the grieving Pegasus calmed down.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here."

Rainbow's breaths regulated themselves. Her mind soon let itself be lost in the landscape of her dreams. Twilight may not have been able to protect her in the waking world, but the Alicorn princess would make certain her dreams wouldn't be wasted on misery.

The next morning, Rainbow had breakfast with Twilight, Flash, Starfall, and Spike. She seemed somewhat more rested than she had the previous day.

"How'd you sleep," Twilight asked.

"Pretty good, actually."

"Any dreams about her?"

"One I think."

"Did she say anything?"

"I can't remember exactly, but...I think she said...I would be okay."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Seeing you guys again really took a lot of the weight off my shoulders. I was too whacked out of my head until now to figure out how big a mistake leaving was."

"You blamed yourself for something that was beyond your control. That would drive anyone crazy."

"Until all this, I thought I had everything figured out. I guess I don't really know much of anything."

"I'll tell you a secret - I don't either. Reality is different from books. Text presents the few facts we do know. The real world forces us to face the unknown every second."

"The one thing I do know is, you guys saved my life. You know that, right?"

"I had a sneaking suspicion you were at the crossroads. I don't think we were the ones that pulled you back, though. In the end, it was your call."

"Without you, I wouldn't have had anything to come back to."

"Don't sell yourself short. You're stronger than you think - maybe even stronger than the rest of us."

They finished breakfast before exiting the castle.

"What are you gonna' do now?"

"I still have to find everyone else."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Stay safe, okay?"

Rainbow hugged each member of the family before flying away.

Epilogue: Atonement

Life has a funny way of working itself out in Equestria. Second chances are a dime a dozen. Rainbow Dash discovered this truth after the demise of her original body. Somehow, some way, she was brought back to the day of her birth. As a foal, she found all of her original memories to be intact. This time around, she understood what she had to do. From foalhood to fillyhood, she was much more quiet and reserved. Her eyes suggested a maturity, focus, and strength never seen in someone her age. Influenced by her previous existence, she grew her mane long and dressed in the same style of clothing she had in the years leading up to her death.

In order to keep up appearances, Rainbow lived as normally as possible until the day she re-met Fluttershy. The bullies Rainbow remembered picking on the anxious Pegasus child were there. Again, Rainbow stood up for her. This time, the darkness Rainbow had come to know showed itself.

"Leave her alone..."

"Who's gonna' make us," the leader taunted.

Rainbow flew in front of Fluttershy in a blind fit of rage and lifted both bullies by their throats.

"I'm only gonna' tell you once - BACK OFF!"

When it was clear the two colts had received the message by the fear in their expressions, she released them. They flew away in terror.

"You okay, Fluttershy?"

"You know my name...?"

"Of course I do. We were bosom buddies!"

"I'm confused..."

"It's a long story. Wanna' walk with me?"

"O-okay..."

"You don't know me now, but in a past life, we were close friends. My name's Rainbow Dash."

"Did you say...Past life...!?"

"Yeah. Something bad happened to both of us."

"You mean we...We...?"

"Died."

"But...How...!?"

"I dunno. Somehow, we came back."

"But...It can't be!"

"How else could I know your name without ever talking to you before?"

"Why don't I remember!?"

"Maybe because I changed. The version of me you knew was completely different from who I am now."

"Another you!?"

Rainbow nodded.

"I don't understand! I'm scared!"

Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around Fluttershy and embraced her in an emotional hug.

"It's okay. I'll make things right this time."

"But...Why are you telling me!?"

"Because I wanted you to know I was here. What happened to you was my fault. I won't make the same mistake twice."

Fluttershy's heart filled with a feeling she couldn't explain. A friend she didn't know was apologizing for a mistake she never knew said friend made. She could feel Rainbow's guilt mingling with her own fear. The melding of emotions told Fluttershy everything she needed to know. If Rainbow was willing to seek her out and reveal this knowledge, Fluttershy knew she could trust her. She hugged Rainbow back as hard as she could.

"You're really strong," Fluttershy commented.

"I've been working out. I used to want to be a wonderbolt when I grew up."

"Do you now?"

Rainbow shook her head.

"Not anymore. I want to be a superhero."

"That sounds fun!"

"You know how you can't remember me? We have more friends that don't know about us right now. Some of them haven't even been born yet. We're all heroes when we get older."

"We are!?"

"I don't want to wait this time. Let's find them."

"Really!?"

"I know exactly where they are. Can you fly?"

"Yes."

"Come on."

Rainbow dove below the clouds. She slowed to a glide so Fluttershy could keep up.

"What are their names," Fluttershy asked.

"Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight."

"Those names are nice."

"Yeah...They are..."

"Is something wrong?"

"Fluttershy, what I'm about to say might sound really scary, but I need you to hear it."

"Alright."

"If you ever think about hurting yourself when you're older, come get us. We'll stay with you, no matter how long it takes."

"Is that what happened to me?"

Rainbow cast a somber stare towards the ground. She didn't want to answer. Fluttershy knew.

"Don't worry. I will."

"I love you guys..."

Unsure of what to say, Fluttershy responded in kind.

"We love you too, Rainbow."

The genuine, sincere nature of her own reply shocked her. It felt...Right. She and Rainbow landed in the town square of Ponyville. Their first stop? Sweet Apple Acres.

Deadfall

Rainbow tracked down her friends one at a time. Everything she told them was the same as her explanation to Twilight with slight variations in wording. Just as she had done with Twilight and her family, Rainbow stayed each night with the others. Before Rainbow could return home, she visited Twilight one more time. One question was still burning in the back of the princess's mind.

"How come you never told us Fluttershy was suffering?"

"I didn't think anyone would believe me, and if they did, they wouldn't care."

"Why would you think that?"

"That's the kind of world we've created, Twi. We think everything can be fixed by positive thinking. Sometimes, it can't."

"How can we change that?"

"The only thing I can think to do is use Fluttershy's death as the ultimate example. Even then, there's no guarantee it'll make any lasting difference."

"Does this mean a perfect world is impossible?"

"Probably. Let's hope a better one's not."

Rainbow was flying home while going over her experiences in Ponyville. It all seemed so surreal. The years since her departure had warped her perception into something unrecognizable. She wasn't the outgoing, cheerful pony she once used to be. Intently focused on her own mending spirit, she failed to hear the crumbling noise above her. A mountaintop had begun to fall apart. The stony edge collapsed, falling dead center on Rainbow's back. More rocks continued to pile up after she hit the ground until she could no longer sustain the weight. The internal hemorrhaging killed her within seconds...