Bonbon Is Consoled By Jonah Hill
The Ponyville Tavern. In such a happy town like Ponyville, most mares never even visited the downtown bar, save for maybe a few who were down on their luck and needed a pick me up or the often-frequenting Berry Punch. However, if a pony was so downtrodden that they needed a night to forget their difficulties, there would be no judgement cast upon them once they entered inside.
On this night, however, there were two newcomers to the tavern, and as the eyes around the bar looked upon the faces of the despairing mare and her nearest friend, all they could do was offer their silent sympathy as the mare bawled into her hooves on the tavern's counter.
“I just don't get it, Jonah!” the mare with the blue and pink mane cried. “How could this happen to me?!” The man by her side wished he knew what to say, but instead just rubbed the sobbing pony's back as gently as he could. “Was I just not pretty enough?”
“No, of course you're pretty. You're beautiful, Bonbon!”
“Then why did… I just… I can't…” Before she could even finish her sentence, she again began to bawl into her hooves.
“Two Applejack Daniel’s,” the bartender said, placing two mugs down beside them. Momentarily stopping her emotional outburst long enough to sniff her runny nose, Bonbon reached for her mug with tears in her eyes and slowly began to sip on her alcoholic beverage.
“Feeling a little bit better?” Jonah asked. The mare nodded. “Good. Now, try telling me one more time what happened.”
“I don't know! I just… I came home today, thinking that it would be just like any other day, but as soon as I walked in, she said she wanted to talk to me.”
“And this girl is supposed to be like your girlfriend or whatever, right?”
Bonbon sadly nodded her head, taking another swig of her drink. “We'd been seeing each other for the past 8 years, but when I came home, she said she had something to tell me.”
“Yeah, that's never good.”
“So she pulled me over to the couch and said, ‘Bonbon, you know I love you, but… but…’” The mare then cracked the floodgates again, taking the next several moments to cry while Jonah silently patted her back. “She told me that even though she loved me, she wasn't perfect, and sometimes she makes mistakes.”
“Yeah, that's a terrible excuse. I mean, I make mistakes all the time. Like, one time when I was a kid, there was this cousin of mine, and I said that the two of us should get married, but she was all like, ‘No, that's gross. We're cousins.’ Then I was like, ‘No, just think of how happy our parents would be, knowing that both of our families made another family, only within the same family.’” Bonbon's sobbing then stopped long enough for her to send a glare up at her drinking buddy. “I'm sorry. This isn't about me. Go ahead where you left off.”
“Anyway, she told me that she makes mistakes like anypony, and I thought this meant that she was seeing another pony behind my back, but I found out that it was even worse! She told me that… that…” Bonbon took another large gulp of her drink while tears flooded down her face. Upon slamming her mug back onto the counter, she turned toward Jonah and whimpered, “She told me that she was pregnant!”
“Wow…” The two of them broke eye contact while Jonah could take in what he heard. “This is the first time I've ever heard of something like that. You know, I actually met this one guy who tried dating a whole bunch of girls in college, but every time he felt like he was going somewhere with them, they went gay, and he thought that he was the one who actually turned them gay.”
“Is this person you?”
“...Sorry, we're supposed to be talking about you right now.”
“So not only has she been cheating on me, but now I don't even know if she likes mares anymore!”
“Well, she said she loved you, right?” Sniffling again, Bonbon solemnly nodded her head. “Then there's your answer! I mean, I'm sure this guy who she was with probably was no big deal anyway.”
“She said that the two of them had seen each other about 4 different times in the last month.”
“Really?” Jonah tried to smile, even giving a halfhearted laugh, but seeing how serious the situation was, he knew that his support might not be enough. “Did… Did she say what this guy's name was?”
“No, but she said that the two of them have been secretly meeting in the parking lot at Trader Joe's.”
“Oh, really?” Jonah could feel the tension of the conversation switch from gloom to anger--an emotion that he personally never did well around--and quickly tried to shift the conversation in another direction. “So tell me about this girl. She seems pretty nice. Now, when I say pretty nice, I don't mean pretty and nice, ‘cause, you know, I don't want you to think I'm having weird thoughts about her now that I know she’s easy or anything. I mean, I wouldn't think she's pretty, because I’m into ugly girls. I'm sure she's beautiful to--”
“Jonah, stop talking.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“She is… well… she's one on a million. She has the most adorable smile, the most beautiful golden eyes, and her laugh makes my heart stand still. Her cutie mark is a lyre, which of course makes her a unicorn. She can't exactly play it with her hands.”
“So… does she luck pluck it with her horn or something?”
“No… She uses magic…”
“That's awkward… I forgot unicorns could do that.”
“And also, speaking of hands, she's always had the cutest obsession with humans.”
Jonah quickly spat out his drink, spreading it all over the counter and barely missing Bonbon, who quickly jerked her drink out of the way. “Oh!” Jonah said, awkwardly wiping up the mess he made with his hands. “You uh… you didn't mention that part.”
“Yeah, she's always found humans interesting, I guess. Wait! You don't think--”
“To be honest, I never think. I think that's one of my redeeming qualities, actually, not thinking. Did it just suddenly get hot in here? I just got really hot all of a sudden.”
“You think that not thinking is one of your redeeming qualities?”
“You know what? Why don't you tell me more about this mare?”
“Well, she has a white and teal mane…” As Bonbon began speaking, Jonah began sweating. “Her coat is a light green…” Jonah was now biting into his fist. “Jonah, if you're really that hot, we can step outside.”
“No, no!” He then grabbed his mug and chugged down the rest of his whiskey before slamming it down and wiping the excess liquid from his mouth. “I think we oughtta call it a night, don't you think?”
“But I need somepony here for me right now!”
“You know what, Bonbon? Hold my hand.”
Slowly, the depressed mare reached her hoof up to meet with Jonah's hand. “It's all sticky…”
“I know. I just used my hand to wipe up all the booze I just spat on the counter. Do you know what my grandma used to tell me, back when I was a kid?”
“No, you've never told me.”
“She told me, ‘Jonah, sometimes in life, you've gotta call it quits, because if you try too hard for something you can't have, you'll end up passing on opportunities you could have had.’”
“I'm not sure what you mean…”
“Well, grandma had dementia and used that phrase so we would take pity on her and sneak in R-rated movies when the doctors weren't looking. Those were the only times she told me she loved me. She also thought I was Josh Gad.”
“To be fair, the two of you do look alike.”
“No, I was in Super Bad; he was in the Book of Mormon musical. We're completely different. Don't side with my grandma on this, please.”
“So… what was the point of what you were trying to tell me? Should I break up with her?”
“Would that make you happy?”
“Well… No… I still love her, and I want to spend every moment I possibly can with her.”
“Then what are you doing with me? Bonbon, if she's really that important to you, then it shouldn't matter whether she likes humans, or ponies, or men, or mares. She messed up, but you're gonna mess up too. I think she needs you now as much as you need her.”
Then, finally, for the first time of the night, Bonbon broke a smile.
“Thanks, Jonah. I'm glad you came with me tonight.”
“Also, don't do a paternity test. I don't think it should matter, since theoretically humans shouldn't be able to produce healthy offspring with horses, but still don't do it!”
“But… I still don't know if the person she was with was a human or not.”
“Good talk, Bonbon!” Jonah said, awkwardly pulling himself off of his barstool in his dash for the door. “Don't forget about Lyra's birthday next week!”
“I won't! Thank you!”
As soon as the words escaped Bonbon's lips, Jonah was out of the tavern, leaving the mare alone with her half-empty mug of whiskey. Taking another sip, though, she quickly realized something.
“Wait! I never mentioned Lyra's name…”
