The Bucket of Shame

by axxuy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Anthology, Main 6
Length: 2861

Read at your own risk.

Story scraps that aren't worth the effort to clean up into something decent. Mostly Writeoff entries that didn't come out so well.

Published 2018-10-04 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-04 03:30:01 UTC

Warning: Contains Pinkie Pie

"I'll have a double shot of whisky," Twilight said.

The bartender whistled as she poured the drink. Twilight grunted thankfully as she took it in her magic and sipped. She coughed at the burning in her throat, and completely missed the other mare's double take.

"Princess‽ Princess Twilight Sparkle?" She dove into a bow.

"Don't," Twilight droned.

"I—sorry—it's just—what are you doing here? If you don't mind me asking."

"Got word of a monster here in Trottingham. My friends and I came to deal with it."

"I mean, what brings you to my bar? I'm Old Fashioned, by the way.."

Twilight thought for a while. "Pinkie Pie," she said finally.

"Ohh, she's one of your friends, right? I don't get what she has to do with this though? There's nothing wrong, is there?"

Twilight waved a hoof. "No, no—well besides the monster—she's just—mmm, if I could explain it, my life would be a lot simpler. I'll leave it at that." She sat for a moment, drinking. "I don't suppose you've heard anything about what's been going on?"

Old Fashioned shook her head. "'Fraid not. I've heard that there's something moving around the city, but nopony's been able to describe it. They just scream."

Just then there was a bang and a shout from outside. "It's here!" she said. "Just stay inside and we'll take care of it." She disappeared with a flash.

There was not a single pony in the building that took her advice. They all came filing out to see what had been haunting them the past weeks.

They screamed. A lot.

There were not many other things to do at the sight of the giant, disembodied muzzle floating down the street. It was fuzzy and pink—a normal nose, if it hadn't been two stories high and detached from any owner.

"Sweet Celestia," Old said. Then she resumed screaming like everypony else.

The muzzle glided along. At the corner, down the street, a building crumbled, debris littering the ground, where the thing had not been able to clear the turn completely. It let its tongue hang out, lapping up whatever came into its path. Carts and newspaper stands were swept up and discarded. Thankfully, there were no ponies in sight to be—Old didn't dare finish the thought—no ponies that is, except who she realized must be the Mane Six.

A blue pegasus swooped around the thing, darting in to kick and punch. Twilight was trying to stop it from the ground, firing blasts of magic. Although neither had any visible effect, the screams started to be joined by cheers. Until it became apparent the muzzle was not going to stop before it reached them and everypony started rushing back in. Old kept the door open, even after the last pony was in so she could keep watching.

Twilight was right outside the bar now, walking backwards and firing another shot with each step. Old was starting to get seriously worried for the princess, in the part of her mind that was bothering to try to keep track of what was going on.

She saw what seemed like desperation sneaking on to Twilight's face. That turned to annoyance, as a violently pink mare skipped up to her side, sucking on a lollipop.

"Took you long enough," Twilight grumbled.

"I needed supplies!" Pinkie reared up, facing the muzzle, even as its tongue came ever closer. She put one hoof on the opposite shoulder, and then wrenched the limb off.

Old Fashion fell down in shock. What in Celesti—she wasn't even bleeding. It looked like liquid candy was pouring from her shoulder. It was striped like toothpaste. Then Pinkie hurled her leg at the creature.

The muzzle wrapped its tongue around it and took it into its mouth. It licked its lips, and ascended into the sky with an awful purring sound.

Old Fashioned bit her lip hard, but sadly did not wake up. She just sat, until she felt something poking her shoulder. She looked up at Twilight holding out her empty glass.

"Pinkie Pie," she said.

Old Fashioned poured her another drink. She poured herself one too. In the middle of it Pinkie hobbled behind the bar and opened the fridge back there. She took out a severed leg, announced that she was going to the hospital, and cheerfully hobbled away. Old Fashioned poured herself a big drink.

Story Submission Closes in an Hour and I Can't Think of a Title

Twilight had been having a nice morning when the letter came. She and Spike were in the kitchens, working their way through a heaping stack of pancakes, when Spike belched loudly.

"Spike!—" she began to admonish, when he belched again, this time emitting a flare of green fire. A letter materialized in the air, floating down toward the table, only to be snatched up by Twilight.

She looked at the familiar seal. "A letter from Celestia? But she just sent one last night. And in the middle of breakfast—" She tore the letter open and read:

Dear Princess Twilight,

Don't panic. I have the situation under control. I just need you to help keep ponies calm until everything is back to normal.

Yours,
Princess Celestia.

Twilight panicked. Spike, while concerned, was used to this sort of thing by now and simply waited for her to stop to breathe to interrupt.

"Twilight, calm down," placing a claw on her shoulder. "Celestia said she's taking care of...whatever the problem is," he said as she took a series of slow deep breaths.

"Thanks Spike," she sat back down," you're right. I just wish she had given more details about what's happening.

"Well," Spike said, "I don't hear any rampaging monsters or mobs at the doors, so it can't be too bad, right?"

"I guess...yet. In any case we should probably round up the girls." They walked out of the kitchen.

"I call dibs on getting Rarity!" Spike shouted as he padded along.

"Of course you do." Twilight said, ruffling his spines with a hand.

"—and so that's basically all we know right now. Have any of you noticed anything out of the ordinary?" Twilight put the letter down on the map.

"Ooh, ooh, I know," said Pinkie, raising her hand.

Rainbow Dash spoke over her: "Nothing going on in the sky, Twi'. I mean, I guess there's a couple of nasty looking thunderclouds off in the distance, but they're all over the Everfree, so it's probably just doin' its thing."

"Ooh—"

"Everything's fine on the farm. Nothin' botherin' the trees or the ground."

"I, for one, have not heard any talk around town; if something were going on in Ponyville, there would be gossip."

"It's not even ten, how much talk could have gotten around?" Spike said.

"Oh you would be amazed." Rarity said.

"Ooh—"

"The animals are all calm."

"And I haven't felt any magical disturbances," Starlight said, "from the sound of it, you haven't either."

"Everypony!" Pinkie yelled. They all looked at her. "Hasn't anypony noticed that we all have hands!?" She waved hers in the air.

"Uhh, yes. What about them?" Twilight, like the rest of them was instinctively looking at her hands.

"Doesn't that freak you out?" Pinkie said," suddenly having hands?"

Seven faces stared at her in disbelief. "I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I reckon I've always had hands." Applejack said.

"Yep," Rainbow Dash agreed.

"Umm, I think so?"

A terrible suspicion was beginning to grow in Twilight's mind. "Pinkie, what do you mean 'suddenly having hands'?"

"Well what if, there were, like, ponies who were just like us, but they had two set of hooves instead of just one?"

Everypony groaned. "That's it. We're going to Canterlot. Pack your bags everypony. We'll meet at the train station for the 11:30." Twilight said and walked off to pack. The rest followed suit.

Rarity considered the open saddlebags in front of her. It only occurred to her now that Twilight hadn't mentioned how long they would be in Canterlot. Or why all of them needed to come, for that matter. Still, a short visit could hardly hurt, and she could check in on Sassy. So some businesswear would be good. The articles floated into the bags. And if they went out to eat somewhere she would need a dress. But suppose Twilight got them dinner with the princess? No ordinary dress would do for that...

Rarity was sitting on the lid of a large chest, trying to force it closed, when she heard the doorbell chime from downstairs.

"Just a moment!" She called. She felt the chest bulge up under her as she shifted to get off, so floated a chair over to replace her on top of it. She decided to save a trip and brought some of the smaller bags down with her.

She found Lyra waiting for her downstairs.

"Ah, Miss Heartstrings, what can I do for you?"

Lyra noticed the bags on her back. "Oh, are you closing? I don't want to bother—"

"Not at all, darling."

"Good, then I was just wondering if that dress I ordered was ready yet?"

"Of course!" Rarity wheeled over a long rack of dresses. A question came to her as she was searching. "Just out of curiosity, have you noticed anything unusual lately? About your hands?"

"My hands?" Lyra wiggled her fingers. "No, not particularly. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason. Just a whim. Now, let's see here is your dress!" She levitated it off the rack and over to Lyra. On the way it was met by a large sheet of brown wrapping paper and string, so that by the time it arrived it was a neat little package. "There you are."

"Thank you so much!" Lyra took the package and walked out.

"Miss Heartstrings, wait!" Rarity said just as she reached the door, holding a box, "you forgot your, ah," she looked at the box, "shoes."

Lyra blushed. "Heh heh, thank you." She squeaked, and ducked out the door. Rarity, not knowing what to make of it just stared for a moment out the door, and went to resume her packing.

Twilight was the first one off the train. Everypony else had to grab onto their seats to avoid being pulled along as she shot off at speeds normally reserved for Pinkie Pie.

The city bustled around them as they followed her path to the palace Rarity, ever the socialite, kept a keen ear out for any juicy gossip. It seemed that few had noticed Twilight's rush through the city. She relaxed a little, but shook her head slightly. Twilight had to learn that a princess couldn't just do whatever she wanted without attracting attention. The sight of her in a panic like that could easily have sent the whole city into an uproar.

Why, even somepony like her, merely connected to a princess, could probably cause quite the stir if they were not careful.

She was snapped out of her reverie by Applejack grabbing her tail. "Whoa there. Where are you going?"

Rarity realized her hooves had been leading her automatically toward her boutique. "Sorry, just distracted.

They arrived at the palace without any further incident, save for when, in the main hall, Pinkie tried to get directions by tackling a guard and asking him where the princesses were. A short trip to the dungeons and many apologies later they arrived at the royal library.

Rainbow had to land to avoid the many streams of books floating through the air. Twilight and Luna were in the center, a thick tome between them, and surrounded by stacks of thicker books.

Applejack took the lead. "So, have either of you figured out what had Celestia all in a fuss?"

Luna turned from the books and replied. She explained that Celestia had been shocked on seeing Luna and the servants that morning. She beleived that they had all been transfigured into new forms. And, judging by her reaction, grotesque ones.

"Now, all this is quite concerning," Luna said, "because there are several explanations, none of them good.

"First of all, is the possibility that Celestia was entirely correct and we have all been transformed. Now, I do not see any change in my own body, and judging by the lack of alarm—my sister aside—nopony else perceives such a change. To not only change everypony in Equestria, but to also alter their memories to hide that change would require unbelievably powerful magic. Neither Twilight nor I have sensed any spells of that magnitude. In addition I cannot conceive of any motivation for doing such a thing."

Rainbow Dash butted in. "Could Discord have done it? He'd totally do a prank like that."

"Rainbow!" Fluttershy hissed, "Discord is reformed now. He wouldn't do this to me."

"Fluttershy's right," Twilight said, "and even at his worst, he would have done it to make everypony freak out: he wouldn't change ponies and keep them from noticing."

"Whatever the case may be," Luna resumed, "we are diligently searching for things we may have missed. Because there is another possibility.

"As I see it, either we have some hitherto unknown enemy, more powerful than any we have faced—and I sincerely hope that this is the case—or Celestia has gone mad." Luna's expression was grim now. "I will need your help, whatever happens."

A low rumble sounded through the building. Everypony rose and looked out the windows. A huge dark cloud loomed over the city. Flashes of light strobed deep within it, punctuated with long rolling thunder, like the laughter of some mad god.

Which is what it turned out to be. A intense flash sent something flying out of the cloud, trailing smoke. As it came closer, it resolved itself into Discord, contorted in laughter even as he flew head on into the window.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" Luna bellowed with the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Discord feebly attempted to hold up a talon through his fit of laughter, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Discord! What did you do!" Fluttershy yelled.

Something else was coming from the cloud now. It looked mcuh like Celestia, only her eyes were hard with rage, and her mane was like billowing flames. A wave of heat radiated from her as she landed. But she touched down on all fours, and walked towards Discord like that, and they could see that she indeed had been changed; she had no choice but to walk like that because she did not have arms and hands, but two front legs with hooves.

Twilight gasped, "Princess! What happened to you?"

Celestia flinched at that. The fire in her eyes dimmed a little. "Twilight, I am sorry you have to see me like this, but I cannot let him go after what he has done to you all."

"But he hasn't done anything to us!" Twilight protested, "the only one different is you." Confusion took over Celestia's face. Twilight's eyes went wide. They all stood silently as the realization swept through them, save for Discord who was still laughing hysterically.

He finally managed to compose himself enough to speak, though only just. "Y-you sh-should see the look on your faces! I switched you with the Celestia from a different dimension!" he wheezed, and snapped a claw.

Beside them a second Discord and Celestia appeared. This Celestia looked like theirs, she stood on two hooves and had long white arms. She looked around, bewildered.

Rainbow was the first to join Discord in laughing. "I told you! I told you guys it was a prank!" She laughed until she couldn't fly any more and just rolled around on the ground.

The two Discords high-fived.

Both Celestias glared at them. The Celestia with four hooves spoke: "I thought you were above things now."

"Oh relax," both Discords said in unison, "nopony got hurt, and you two are just priceless.

The Celestias tried to scowl, but their features were much softer, now that everything had been revealed. "You two are lucky nothing drastic happened. I'll be keeping a close eye on you, from now on," each one said to her respective Discord.

Meanwhile, Twilight was trying to rein in Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who had also erupted into a fit of giggles. "It's not funny! Celestia was seriously worried."

Both Celestias looked tired now. "Please," one said, "just put everypony back where they were."

The laughing now mostly subsided, one of the Discords grinned at the other. "Oh, fine. Looks like I have to take Princess Killjoy back home." He snapped and a hole appeared in the air that pulled him and his Celestia in.

As he spiraled in, the other Discord called "see you soon!"

All three Princesses present yelled out "NO!"

Princess Celestia sat for a long time with her face in her hands. At last she stood, and said "By royal decree, nopony is ever to speak of this again." And she walked off to her chambers.

Author's Note

I'm sorry you had to see this.