I Bet You Weren't Expecting This
“Celestia’s fiery tits and bush, someone’s stole me sock!”
You are Anon. Today is another beautiful sunny day in the world of magic-pastel-horse-land — patent pending — otherwise known as Ponyville.
“And not just any sock! My favorite sock… I can’t masturbate without it!” You furrow your brow. “And here I was, going to break my record of how many times I can masturbate in one day before Twilight tells me to stop!”
Speaking of said perky purple pony princess — try saying that five times fast — here she is now!
Twilight pushed open the door to your room in her BUY-HASBRO-TOYS-3000, also known as her Crystal Castle. “Good morning, Anon! Glad to see your-OHCELESTIAYOURENAKED!” She covered her eyes.
You were indeed naked, your totally massive and breathtaking schlong hanging limply in betwixt your smooth thunder thicc thighs. Dear god your fucking thighs could crush a bloody watermelon. Do you only do leg day? Also, why in the fucks are my thoughts in Scottish?
You rolled your eyes. “I don’t know and I don’t plan on caring. Also, can you fucking knock for once in your eternal horse life, Purplesmart?”
Ah shit, I’m the narrator again, aren’t I? God fucking damn-it. This is why we can’t have nice things.
-You’re just mad you don’t have thicc thunder thighs like Anon.-
Aw fuck, who’s this raging cunt?
-Hi, I’m the co-writer for this fanfic.-
“Hi co-writer, I’m your daddy.” You waved your hand.
-Hi dad… why aren’t you back from the gas station yet?-
“No comment.”
If you could put a word to Twilight’s expression, it would be both confusion and fear. “Uh, Anon? Who are you talking to?”
-No seriously, how long does it take to buy cigarettes? It’s been twenty years!-
SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH FOURTH WALL BREAKING OR I SWEAR I WILL END YOU BOTH!
“Nobody important Twilight. Just the ones in charge of our entire existence. Currently trying to prolong the few short hours of our lives before they are cut short by the end of this story.”
“What?”
“What?”
Twilight shook her head and sighed, keeping her eyes above your waistline to gaze into your eyes, trying desperately to avoid looking down. “Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”
“Well Twilight, today I felt like discarding my clothing and embracing your world’s daily ideals of comfort.” You suddenly struck a pose, thighs out on display, arms flexing and asschecks clenched tighter than a vice — seriously, you could probably crack walnuts in between those.
Twilight properly responded by slapping her hooves over her face again, sighing, “Anon, just… put some clothes on already, we gotta go shopping for some things at Quills and Sofas.”
“Maybe I don’t wanna.” You crossed your arms, who was she to say you couldn’t grace the world with what god gave ya.
“Anon, Spike is indisposed for the day helping the Cutiemark Crusaders in Appleloosa for me today. He insisted on covering for me and you promised just last night that you’d help me choose a new set of quill nibs.”
“I thought you said ‘Quail nips’! You’re cock-blocking me from my fetishes, Twilight!”
Suddenly, three knocks sound at the door and Fluttershy leaned in — a creepy smile on her face. “Is cock-blocking your fetish, Anon?” Her eavesdropping/stalking seems to be paying off. She almost caught you saying 'Quails turn me on something fierce'.
Your eyebrow twitched and you turned to glare at the buttery colored stalker, then you said, “You really wanna know what my fetish is, Butterbum?”
You swear you saw a look of hope flash through her eyes before she rushed over, gazing up at you with the look of starstruck wonder. “What?”
Leaning down as closely as you could, you whispered into her fluffy ear. “...It’s. Big. Meaty. Horse. Cock.” God, you even whisper like a fucking creep.
You slammed the door as hard as you could, throwing out the now grinning pegasus. Wait a second. Did she just fucking break time and space by making the front door of your old place in your closet?
You shrugged. “The world may never know.”
When you turned back to Booksmart, you saw she looked exactly ninety-three percent done - you barely filled half your quota for bullshittery today and she’s already almost there.
“Anon, put some bucking pants on and help, or I’m taking away your pancake privileges for the next week.” Twilight glared at you.
That bitch, she knows your one true weakness! Lack of pancakes! You changed to your battle stance. “Try me, Twittlight Sporkle…”
She gave you a dangerous look as her horn lit up, and with a poof of magic you felt the familiar weight of your clothing draped over your body. She whirled around and began walking out of the room, but not before saying, “That’s it, no pancakes for you.”
Fuck. “Clever girl… you win this round.” Begrudgingly, you followed after her.
“Which do you think looks better?” Several different colored objects hovered in front of your vision, held aloft by purple hued magic. “Blue and black? Gold and white?”
You swear you couldn’t be any more bored out of your mind, you had more important things to do… like hunting down your missing sock! “Uuuuugh I don’t caaaare. Can you just get both and let’s go on to the next item on your to-do list?”
Princess Boring scrunched her nose. “Well then. Here I thought you could be a decent friend and help me decide on an IMPORTANT part of my private life, but you couldn’t even have the decency to involve yourself with it.”
“Wow, that’s actually pretty sad if you consider quill nibs important. And I should know, I’m a pretty big disappointment.” Way to take the words out of my mouth.
“Let’s just choose one and get today over already. My headache can only get so big before I have to resort to alcohol…”
You held up your hand to your chin and pretended to ponder for a moment, only to spot a rather interesting looking set of quill nibs on the display case in front of you. It was silver with a golden tip and a ruby encrusted into the top.
“Hey, uh would it be fine if I gave a third option?”
Twilight’s ear twitched. “Just get on with it.”
“I think you should get that one with the ruby on it. It looks like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Really fucking cool looking.” It was really cool looking, actually.
Twilight turned to look at the quill and her eyes went wide. “Ooo!” With a smile, she pranced on over, “Shiny~”
Okay, now was your chance to split! Maybe now you could go find your missing sock!
Moving on tippy toes, you snuck away and out of the shop before dropping to the ground. You placed your nose to the dirt and inhaled deep. “Brother I smell the sock.”
