Life and times of Park Ranger Bird Horse
Set in Alex Warlorn's Conversion Bureau Not Just Ponies Verse
You know, it's times like this that I'm glad I live way out here. Why? Because one, it's beautiful, just out here in the forest with nothing but nature for miles. And second, most of the insanity of this whole world merger thing is far, far away, and I'm not the park ranger of Yellowstone who has to deal with nutjobs trying to make the supervolcano erupt and ruin the Earth so the 'aliens can't take it' when they don't even want it in the first place.
Name's Soaring Mist, and yes, I changed my name. I know a lot of humans frown on that, but I have my reasons. Namely, my old name was Bob, and I've never liked it. Why? Because it always sounded so mundane and generic to me. Seriously, no offense if you like the name Bob, but the reason the filmmakers named Mr. Incredible Bob in that movie was because of how mundane a name it was. That and because of either bad luck or some cosmic joke, I somehow end up constantly surrounded by other people named Bob, which gets very confusing. There's three Bobs working in the national park service in this area and it's also the name of my regular pizza guy (nice kid, became a Pegasus, which makes his job much easier when we can both just fly to a meet up point instead of hiking). So yeah, changing my name is probably the right call. My little sister likes it (she's a unicorn now, by the way, she wanted to be like Amalthea and was so happy she got white fur like her).
Anyway, I'm a park ranger who works in a watch tower in the middle of the forest with hikers and campers being the only other people for miles, so most of the craziness of this whole thing has been way far from me. Granted, nuclear missiles being launched and near eruptions of supervolcanos is everyone's problem, but I've not had to deal with PER or HLF maniacs clear out here. Too few ponies to launch a terrorist attack at, too few humans to try and forcibly convert into ponies, and too few of the other group to start a gang war with. That said, not looking forwards to the new dragons who accidentally start forest fires, but apparently Equestria is sending pamphlets on how to deal with that and they're making a lot of new Smokey the Bear commercials. Which is fine by me, I love Smokey. But all in all, being a park ranger turned out to be a good career choice for when world altering natural disasters come knocking. You know, it's funny, kid me was actually scared of summer camps and national parks because I always thought Jason would get me if I went. Didn't stop me from sneaking those movies behind mom's back and buying a DVD box set once I was old enough though.
So what do I think of the whole mess? Mainly I just stay out of it and live my new life as a bird horse with wings who can turn into a fish horse with gills. Look, like I said, most of the crazy stuff is happening in civilization, and I'm far from it, and I have plenty of my own stuff to worry about. And no, before you ask, I don't think Mother Earth would be better off without humanity or that the PER are right. I think they and the HLF are both nutjobs acting like they're in a post apocalyptic movie. I like Mother Nature, but Mother Nature can be freaking terrifying, and I know that better than anyone. I have two jobs: to protect nature from people and to protect people from nature, either is very capable of harming the other. I've never seen a bear maul a guy, but I've had to scare one off to stop it from happening as often as I've had to stop a poacher from getting the bear.
Speaking of which, one big reason I chose a Hippogriff? Because they're big, strong, fast, and can fly. And all of those things are very helpful when it comes to stopping the bears from getting the people and the people from getting the bears. That and if a forest fire happens, I can't get trapped here and can fly campers and hikers to safety...And getting the literal drop on poachers is both easier, safer, and much funnier.
I know some people think the 'can turn into merponies' thing is cheating, and it kinda is, but I have a reason for using it: checking the health of the rivers and streams is way easier when you can breathe underwater. That and if somebody gets themselves in trouble in water, I can just transform, dive right in, and save them. Fish poachers (yes, those are a thing, overfishing can be a serious problem for the ecosystem, and the less the bears have to eat, the more tasty things belonging to people, and sometimes even people, start to look) also don't expect the park ranger to bust them from underwater.
For the record, Queen Novo isn't just handing these things out like candy, the Hippogriffs don't trust everyone and their mother with a piece of their people's sacred relic, I had to earn this thing. I mean yeah, I could've just done the easy thing and become a Changeling, but then I wouldn't be able to throw a bear if I ever need to throw a bear...by the way, I may have had to throw a bear, a guy was about to have his throat torn out if I didn't. Don't worry, I just roared and scared it off after that, I was just showing it it wouldn't get an easy meal and it backed off. Most animals will back down if prey is more trouble than it's worth.
But I admit, it wasn't all work that got me to take the Hippogriff potion. I've always loved the great out doors, and seeing it from the air is a million times better than seeing it from the ground, especially with literal eagle eyes. And as much fun as diving and snorkeling is, it's a lot better with eyes naturally equipped to see it. It's just so liberating to see it all with full control and feeling like you're in your element. Makes IMAX movies look like a Syfy Channel Original movie, even if those can be cheesy fun and I have an entire DVD case of them. So yeah, totally worth it.
That said, not without negatives. Being covered in fur and feathers makes you a much better home for ticks and bugs, I had to learn to preen myself, due to instincts I have to resist eating said pests I preen out of my fur (I've seen the videos of what happens if you don't get the instincts, small price to pay), my Hippogriff form is as big as a horse and my smaller sea pony form doesn't have legs so enclosed spaces can be a pain, and while having a much more sensitive nose is normally a plus, it also makes being sprayed by a skunk or being near someone who got sprayed by a skunk like a hundred times worse. Which given I work in a national park, comes up way more often than I wish it did...ugh...So yeah, not all sunshine and rainbows.
But all in all, I'm happy with my choice, and glad to just live out here in peace.
Now if you excuse me, I've got to get on patrol, enjoy the park! Just remember, take care of the forest...and also yourself, and I'll try to do the same.
