Worn Soul tear my Dead Eye Smile
"The tide is rising, and now that I have reached the edge I wonder if I really should have gone this way, or if there was another road for me to walk down, or if perhaps I should have chosen this path sooner, when they left, maybe, like she did when he left, but I still had their daughter and my teacher and although now they too are gone, not truly, if we are to be completely honest, they've moved upwards but not forward, at the time it seemed like the most logical thing for me to remain, and I couldn't admit that I wanted to leave, admit I felt as she had, and then how could I leave it all behind when I saw others around me doing the same, and felt like I was needed because they no longer were there, even if they were the reason I'd chosen to stay, them and the rest, of course, but the rest has changed, like them, and now it seems I am not wanted, and perhaps I really should have come here sooner, a very weird sentiment I feel, I doubt any would ever say that when reaching this place, the few who would would have needed to have been held back to not rush here on their own, although it should be considered that those who might entertain such desires will indeed be prevented from executing on them, despite the way it brings no good to them or others, when you look at it, no good save for the conviction of there being hope, the lie they tell themselves that things might change, and isn't that the reason I remained so long, convinced that I would find another reason, going on to find a reason to go on even though that simply means going on, for all eternity, and it would have been eternity for me, and it could still be, and really what would one more day be in the face of what has been, what what has been in the face of what could be, and really there could be a chance, but above all what kept me back was fear, not of what may lie behind this door, what keeps many others far from it, but fear that it may not open, or that I may not be allowed to walk through it, a weird fear to posses given I saw her walk through it with these very eyes, step inside and vanish into the air, though slowly, that was how she let herself fade, and I believe she wasn't conscious of her decision until the moment came for her to decide to take that final step and let go, I think it was more of a reaction, a longing to follow him that made her instincts act on their own upon her body, and maybe that's why she managed to move on, because it was in the nature of her essence itself that she would do it, and it may be in my nature to remain behind, and so my act may be stopped or worse only completed in part, but why linger, why not go, fall out of time, and what then if it should go wrong, a life only half of itself, I might walk into the arms of dismay, and full of decay roam this realm or the next, but the stars won't protect them any more no matter what, not after what they did, not after what they said, if I were to become mad I would haunt them and if I were not to I would pretend I did and then do at my own actions, and yet I still remain here, even while losing control, and though I'm already falling I don't realize it, and maybe I don't want to go, because what I really want is to go back, and I believed going forward with as little movement as possible would be the next best thing, but I realized sooner, much sooner than I admitted, that the moment I'd passed them I'd lost them forever, and so now I go forward, and I charge and run in the hopes of catching up, but why do something so pointless when the time it took for them to finish this race was repeated many times over while I took laps, hoping they would be like the first one, or at least better than the last, and now who knows how far they are, but maybe there is an end, maybe that's where I'm headed, maybe I'll find them, but why, why couldn't I wait, I knew I could have found something here, but I refused to search, maybe because I wanted to come here all along, maybe that's why I came here in the first place, maybe that's why I already started even though I pretend I'm still choosing what to do, but why would I if I truly wanted this and yet why come here if I didn't, when always I was looking for a way, a key, a path to lead me here, one that wouldn't fail, the thing I was most afraid of, of missing my one chance, of becoming stuck in between, but there must be something there if it wasn't here, and if it was here will I be allowed to go back, might I even forget, which I did at times, but never for too long, not for my obsession with what I'd lost, I wished to remember even though I could have started back from the beginning, maybe the presumptuous conviction that I had chosen a most optimal path, ironic seeing as it led me here, but still something hard to argue against, and if there's silence and emptiness where I'm going I'll be prepared, but I hope I'll become part of it, something I tried from time to time, something I liked, but no more waiting and musing, the tide has risen."
