Anonymous and The Friendly Fire Folk

by TheAlmightyTinCan

Rating: mature
Tags: Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Gore, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Random
Length: 10705

Anon lives in Tartarus. Because of this sometimes rituals summon him. These are those stories.

Anon lives in Tartarus. Because of this ponies sometimes summon him, it doesn't go how they expect it to...

Mature tag for sexual themes and references... and incu/succupony

Published 2018-10-08 08:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-04 08:58:12 UTC

Prologue - Meet The Neighbors

Tssss tss tssss ts

The sound of sizzling.

Tsss tsssss

Like fresh frying bacon.

Tss ts ts ts tssssssss

Anon moves his arm. The steady cascade of water spurts from the end of the hose as he does so. As the water meets the air it almost instantly begins to vaporize, creating a billowing cloud of steam that wafts up around him. The few drops that make it to the strange but neatly cut red tipped yellow grass below seem to pop and explode like grease on a pan. Slowly, he moves his arm from left to right, ensuring that his yard is completely and evenly covered by the miniscule amount of liquid that reaches the ground.

Behind him stood a house. A modest abode that met his every need. It was one story, with one bedroom, one bathroom, a kitchen, living room, and garage. It was small, but for a single individual living alone it was plenty spacious. The roof tiles were a rich umber, the bricks were a nice crimson, the windows were tinted red and the frames red too. The gutters, porch, and~ okay everything was red. The pathway had red stones, the front door was red, the porch light shone a red hue, the cute picket fence that encircled the property and the hedges around his front yard were, you guessed it, all varying hues of red.

This was Tartarus, and they like red.

Anon turned around, walking up to the front of his house with hose in hand that continued spitting out steam like a vaper who just filled a new tank. There were a number of unique looking plants that dotted the facade of his house, like the series of flowers that instead of blooms had beautiful looking flames that curled up around the stem and bushes whose leaves and buds were like sizzling charcoals, cracked veins of heat running through them like lighting bolts. The plants all flickered in the warm afternoon light coming down from the molten magmatic crust that constantly flowed far overhead from the dome that was the roof of this plane. As he sprayed his small torrent of superheated liquid over them the flames would die down slightly before flourishing back up even brighter than before. A small smile creased his face as he finished tending to them, gardening was truly one of Anon’s favourite pastimes, second only to maintaining his perfect and respectable abode.

Sighing happily, Anon dropped the hose and began making his way over to the spigot to turn off the water when suddenly a voice caught his ear.

“Howdy Neighbor!” The voice rang from across the fence line, turning he spotted a familiar face.

“Heya Dinny! How ya been?” Dinny’s actual name was Dynsan-Zaranerrith but it was customary in the modern culture of Tartarus to shorten the name of a friend or acquaintance to anything you could fucking remember and physically pronounce. This was something that Anon approved of wholeheartedly. As to exactly what type of creature this was who currently leaned over Anon’s fence with his front hooves resting between the spokes, it was an incupony. He was bright pink, with two large horns that curved out from his forehead just in front of his ears. His tail was like a wire, quick as a whip and strong as steel with a razor sharp heart shaped tip that in the old days would have been used to disembowel his enemies. But this wasn’t the old days and Dinny was Anon’s good neighbor. Anon walked over to the fence leaving a small gap between them to prevent any awkwardness.

“Ah you know! Same old, same old. Maze is getting bigger by the day it seems, he’s halfway through middle-school already and me and Wys are just trying to keep up with him.” He said with a tired chuckle. Wysless-Zaranerrith and Maztyz-Zaranerrith were Dinny’s succupony wife and incupony son. Despite what some people believe, succubus and incubus of any race can actually feed off of the love and lust energy of the opposite sex counterpart. Because of this they tend to choose their counterpart as a mate, or not if they happen to swing the other way. But ultimately, living with another being that happens to have the same biological necessities as you both in regards to feeding and otherwise seems to work out best in the long run. “Anyways, how about you Anon?” Dinny asked. Anon’s gaze turned up wistfully.

“Nothing new to report really. Been grinding through that last shipment of arcane tomes at work this past week. Nothing interesting has popped up yet, unfortunately.” An idea suddenly popped into his head. “Hey Dinny? I got a question.” The incupony’s ears perked up cuteley, eyes focusing on the biped.

“Shoot.”

“So you know how when you get like, fruits from the stores and stuff you can’t really grow the seeds.” Dinny nodded in understanding. “Well, I was at that farmers market they always have on Saturdays down in Ozgolborrough and I-uh- got these blood peaches. So... do you think I could grow a peach tree from one of those pits?” Anon finished explaining. Dinny tilted his head, scrunching his eyebrows in a way that Anon definitely did not find in any way adorable. After a few seconds of thought he spoke up.

“Hmmm. I dunno, maybe? No harm in trying I guess.” Anon creased his lips bringing a hand up to scratch his chin.

“Yeah, but I just don’t want to dig out an area of my lawn and have it not work out, you know?”

“Why not just plant it in a pot on your porch or something? If it grows just transfer the sapling when it gets big enough.” Dinny said. Anon’s eyes widened, he snapped his fingers, a small gout of infernal flame shooting up from them as he pointed at his friend and neighbor.

“That. Is. Perfect!” He said excitedly, his mind immediately pondering where he needed to go to buy the proper sized pot and soil. Dinny smiled.

“Anytime Anon.” Looking back, Anon suddenly noticed how tired Dinny seemed to be and began to grow concerned.

“You okay there Dinny? You’re looking a bit drained… No problems with Wyz I hope.” Anon took a step closer to the fence. The incupony shook his head.

“Oh nonono. Nothing like that. It’s just… Well like I said, Maze is going through middle school.” He gave an awkward smile.

“Yeah, but like wha~...” It suddenly clicked in his head. “Oh OH! Like uh…” Dinny nodded.

“Yep…”

“Puberty?”

“Yep…”

“God, I remember what THAT was like.” Anon said with a frown. Dinny looked up with a raised eyebrow.

“You remember what puberty was like?” He said in a disbelieving tone. Anon scoffed.

“Listen. It doesn’t matter how many thousands of years go by, no human ever forgets the unending series of awkward interactions and in class boners that come with puberty. Believe you, me.” He reached up, scratching the back of his head when another thought struck him. “How exactly does that work out for incuponies?” He asked cautiously. Dinny gave another series of stiff chuckles, his face somehow turning more red through his bright pink skin.

“Well uh… It’s like~

“Lemme guess, he wants to stick his dick in anything breathing, am I right?”

“N-not just breathing.” Anon recoiled.

“Okay THAT is gross, and illegal!”

“No not dead!” Dinny defended. “Just… anything and everything.” Anon mouthed an o, silently cursing himself for his poor misinterpretation. Deciding to man up and give his friend a reassuring pat on the back and a rousing speech that will surely boost his confidence, Anon walked towards the fence preparing to throw his arm around his bud.
“Look, Dinny there’s~

“STOP!” Dinny shouted. Anon froze just feet away from the fence, giving Dinny a questioning look. “You shouldn’t step any closer… For… sanitary reasons.” Dinny’s face was burning hotter than any of the flowers in Anon’s garden, he looked like he wanted to run away and hide in a cave where he’ll live the life of a hermit and never be seen again besides maybe by the security cameras of the local Gap where he’s stealing underwear and socks.

Anon looked down at his grass.

Nothing looked out of the ordinary.

But he did just water it.

Possibly diluting any substances that may have appeared visible on the surface previously.

He was just walking all over his lawn watering it.

Oh God. He’s not wearing any shoes.

He took a step away from the fence.

“I’ll uh… I’ll give-TOSS you some blood peaches over the fence next time I see you around.” Anon said taking one step after another away from the fenceline.

“Ahhu~Yeah! Thank-DEFINITELY sure…” Dinny said, fumbling over his own words, face slowly disappearing behind his hooves.

“Later!” Anon said slowly turning, making sure that with each step he rubbed as much clean grass across the souls of his feet in an effort to cleanse them.

“Yes, I… Bye…” Dinny’s face fully sank behind his hooves, unable to bear watching Anon as he slowly walked back to his house.

*POP*

The sudden loud noise broke Dinny from his thoughts and he looked up, only to see Anon’s empty yard.

“...Anon?”

A strange thumping sound came from behind Dinny, turning he noticed something different about one of the windows of his own home.

“Oh abyss damn it, MAZE!”

Author's Note

Whut thu fuk is this?

1 - Of Books And Bindings

Summonings were something that Anon knew a lot about, as was the nature of his work, but had yet to experience. Some individuals he had talked to described it as a claustrophobic event, trapped in darkness with a constant pressure on all sides while simultaneously feeling the rush of passing through space at a breakneck pace. Others said it was like an old wooden roller-coaster with the only straps keeping them secure being metal clamps around their hooves. A few even said that it felt like a vaudeville cane came down from above and forcibly dragged them off stage.

However, this wasn’t what it felt like to Anon. The transition happened mid-step as he was making his way to his front door, and with the sudden pop came a dark and oppressive cold that shook Anon to his hot-blooded core. With a gasp, he crossed his arms as what felt like a torrent of icy water crashed around him. It was strange, being so cold Anon thought that he would still be able to see his breath through the darkness but with each shaky exhalation, he found nothing before his eyes. Seconds passed as he quickly came to the realization of what was happening and began contemplating what to do when he reached the other side.

*POP*

Light filled his eyes and the frigid agony of the cold water-like space was replaced with a chill but much more bearable air temperature. Anon blinked a few times, stumbling slightly as he felt his feet on hard ground once more. Mind running on overdrive, and vision clearing, he quickly began to take in his new surroundings.

The room was small, dimly lit by the series of red wax candles that surrounded the summoning circle that he now stood in. The walls were a soft pastel blue and there were a number of common living furnishings that dotted the area including a small wooden desk, a four-poster bed, an armoire, and a large shelving unit containing a wide variety of books and nick-nacks. Everything in the room seemed to scream wealth with high-quality dark woods, inlays, and trims. But it also had the feel of a child’s dwelling, as the bed was filled with a wide variety of plush animals and on the wall next to him was a poster of what appeared to be a ponified version of a boy band.

“Excellent! Our ritual seems to have finally born fruit.” Anon looked down towards the creature that seemed to be speaking to itself. About five feet ahead of him beyond his circle was another smaller circle nearly identical to his own, in it sat a unicorn. She was perhaps only slightly bigger than Maze as of the last time he saw the kid. She had a light blue mane with a darker coat, mischievous teal eyes stared up at him and a sinister smile cracked the pony’s face. Anon cocked his head.

“Who the heck are you supposed to be?” He said in a droll. Condescending eyes focusing on the pony before him. The pony jolted slightly, nearly unnoticeable, as though she did not expect a voice to come out of the creature before her. Quickly regaining composure she took an authoritative stance.

“We art Lu~” She cut herself off abruptly. “You shall call us Luna.” She smirked up at the man, oozing confidence. A small smile worked its way up the edges of Anon’s face, his eyes gave a flash of red as he blinked.

“Okay then. Luna, tell me why have you summoned me.” The commanding words dripped with infernal arcane energy and a dribble of black smoke spilled out the side of his mouth as he spoke. Luna stood there unfazed, smiling more genuinely this time.

“Nnnnnnnope!” She said. Anon grumbled.

“Well, congrats on knowing the absolute basics, kid.” Lesson 1, never give a demon your real name. There are a plethora of infernal spells that rely on the emotional and spiritual connection of a name to a pony or any other intelligent creature. Luna scoffed, turning her head up.

“You should feel honored demon. To be the first successful summon of ours, the culmination of many moons of studying and preparation. The late nights spent by candlelight, the thousands of times we meticulously copied each rune and line to the UTMOST perfection! The he~HEY! Are you listening?!” Luna shouted. Anon continued looking down at the circle below him, studying the various concentric shapes and runes written out in chalk that glowed slightly from the resonance of the spell. He muttered the names of them to himself as he went over line after line.

“Alpha, din, zphi, lei, omikron, tau, cas… cas?” Anon stared at the last rune, blinking his eyes and with another flash of red the mystical light vanished from the single symbol he had been looking at.

“Hey! HEY!!! We know that you hear us demon! Comply with our demands or we shall be forced to subjugate you.”

“Kinky…” Anon said. Luna sputtered, her face turning beet red. Shaking herself she seemed to only become all the angrier.

“Mark our words foul creature of the depths, before this night is out we shall show you our vengeful wrath. You will feel the pain of every punishing spell befitting a wretch of your nature. WE SHALL~” Anon stepped out of the circle, passing through a blue shimmering barrier that outlined the edges of the summoning ring and carefully walking out of the loop of candles, he turned back to Luna.

“Please, continue.” The mare stared at Anon mouth agape.

“I-I wuh… HOW!?” Anon shrugged.

“There was an update to the privacy policy.”

The mare tilted her head, brow furrowed.

“You should’ve installed Norton.”

…

“When the pop-up says ‘congratulations you’ve won’, you haven’t actually won anything.” A few long seconds passed between the two.

“Are you insane?” Luna asked, she watched as Anon walked about her room, studying the various objects on her bookshelf, he picked up what appeared to be a spyglass. As he did, the mare seemed to have a reaction. Eyes widening, she stepped towards the edge of the summoner’s circle she stood in, lifting her hoof almost to the point of crossing the barrier she paused. Cautiously, Luna retracted her hoof and moved back to the center. Lesson 2, never leave the summoner’s circle. While the summoning circle helps to bind the demon to a pony’s demands, the summoner’s circle kept the pony protected from any physical harm a demon could deal, magical or otherwise. Anon watched this transpire out of the corner of his eye.

“Cleva’ girl.” He said, tossing the spyglass up in the air with one hand and catching it on the way down. “It seems you’ve got the basics down, but you’re lacking in experience.” Catching the spyglass once more, he studied the brass casing in detail. “Honestly I’d hoped the first pony who summoned me would be some grizzled old geezer that thought he knew everything about demonology, and I’d slowly tear apart his circle. He’d start to freak out thinking I was gonna eat him or steal his soul. Then I’d cop all his research and leave.” Anon gripped both ends of the spyglass, extending it out to its full length he put it up to his eye pointing the lens down at Luna. “But this is proving to be entertaining all the same.” As he looked at the close-up image of the mare, her face turned dark and she lit her horn. Before Anon could react a bolt of blue magic came careening towards him, piercing his chest and impacting the poster behind him, putting a clean hole through the face of one of the hot stallion singers. A look of shock covered Anon’s face as he looked down at the sizable hole that went clean through his body. But slowly, the shock morphed into a bright smile as the visage of the biped dissolved in a pillar of smoke, the spyglass reappearing on the shelf. The sound of slow clapping emanated from the circle opposite Luna.

“Congrats! you’re starting to make me feel like a proud parent.”

“No more games demon! We demand that you obey our commands!” Luna shouted.

“It’s Anon actually.” He crossed his arms. “You should know, considering that you summoned me, also I’m technically not a demon.” Luna took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she stared at the human with unblinking eyes.

“Look at me…” Anon did so. “Does it look, in any way, like I give a flying feather about what your name is.” Anon gave a sad sigh.

“And I thought we could be friends…” He said wistfully.

“...No…”

“Alright, alright. Here’s the deal. I’ll fulfill whatever your demands are, but you just gotta answer two questions for me. Deal?” Anon held up his hands innocently,

“I am not giving you my real name…” Anon blew a raspberry, waving in a dismissive manner.

“Nonono, nothing like that, just two basic things and we can get onto business, no more jokes.” Luna stood silently, he took that as a yes. “Okay firstly, how old are you? Like eleven, twelve?”

“Fourteen…”

“Wow... ya’ know my neighbor's got a kid around your age, and he’s single.” Anon said wiggling his eyebrows. Luna’s stoic gaze remained unchanged. “I’ll take that as a noooo... Okay, second question! How’d you spot the illusion?”

“The spyglass.” Luna finally spoke up. “The real one does not extend that far.” Anon nodded slowly.

“Ah, so you know a thing or two about the length of a good spyglass.”

“... Are you an Incubus?” Luna asked cautiously.

“No, but my neighbors are.” Luna buried her face in her hooves, groaning in a manner similar to a dying animal. Anon chuckled to himself.

“Anyways, a deal’s a deal. Your wish is my command.” Luna uncovered her face, sad puppy like eyes looking up at him.

“Truly?” He nodded sagely. Luna sat up, taking on a dignified pose. “Good. There is an object that our sister has stolen from us, a book, it has a cross-shaped pattern and a delta rune inlaid on the front. We order that you, Anon, go and retrieve this book and bring it back to us.” Anon raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“No regicide? No stealing the hope diamond?... No secrets to keeping the perfect garden?”

"What? No!"

"Damn, I was hoping for that last one."

“Will you keep your word or not!” Luna said angrily.

“Alright, fine, fine, sign here.” Anon said, holding out his hand in a gout of flame a piece of paper appeared. The paper slowly floated out of the circle and to the mare across from him, a quill materializing alongside it. Luna studied the page as it reached her. A series of symbols that looked like claw marks and splotches covered the page.

“I need this in equish.” Luna said sourly. Anon shrugged his shoulders.

“Sorry, I don’t know equish.” Luna thought for a moment before suppressing a smile. There were ways around this, the binding truth she had placed on Anon’s circle would help with that.

“Read it to us. All of it.” She pushed the paper away. Anon held out his hand, the parchment zipped into it. He turned it over and began reading.

“Anonymous the human, that’s me, is to infiltrate the room of the sister of the pony mare Luna, and in doing so retrieve the book and rightful property of Luna that matches her previously given description. In doing so, he shall cause no physical or mental harm or manipulations to any creature, intelligent or not, that he may come across. His magic shall only be used in manners deemed necessary in the retrieval of the book, including but not limited to opening locks and disarming spells. Upon successful retrieval of the undamaged book and the return of it to Luna, she will release the binding spells tying the human Anonymous to this plane and in doing so send him back to his plane of residence, Tartarus.” He took a deep breath. “Alright, that’s everyth~Also Luna is to summon the demon incubus Maztyz-Zaranerrith within the next 7 days to participate in a dinner-date, lasting no less than 4 hours.” The words spilled from Anon’s mouth seemingly unwillingly. Luna smiled, happy that the spell worked.

“You are going to get rid of that last part, and reread it to me.” Anon groaned, tracing his finger over the last line of text the words disappeared, and he reread it out loud. This time, no extra words being forced out of his mouth.

“Okay, we good?” Luna nodded. Sending the contract across the gap once more, Luna lifted the quill in her magic and signed. Once she finished, the scroll caught fire, burning up like a piece of flash paper. The circles around both the mare and the man glowed brightly before dissipating, a gust of wind blowing out the candles. Anon and Luna stood across from each other the only light coming from the moon through the windows. “Which way to the room?” He asked.

“Down the hall, fourth door on the right.” Suddenly where Anon stood a gout of fire burst from beneath his feet engulfing him completely and lighting the room in a brilliant glow, just as suddenly as it had begun the fire vanished, leaving Luna standing there alone.

She let out a long sigh, slumping before flopping onto her back, glad to finally be rid of the strange creature. What type of demon was he? A number of things that the creature said threw her mind for a loop as she laid there thinking.

*CRITZTZTZTZTZTT*

The sound of something shattering loudly echoed down the hall, followed by a shriek and a series of thumps and bangs. Luna rolled over, burying her face in the floor.

“I’m doomed.”

The sounds continued for a few more seconds, followed by a series of hoofsteps passing her door and the shouts of guards. Suddenly the same gout of fire sprung up in the room and Anon stepped out.

“What’s a guy gotta do to get some peace and quiet around here!” Anon said, brushing the dust off his shoulders. Luna jumped to her feet. Noticing the small book held in his left hand.

“You got it!” She said excitedly. The man nodded.

“Yeah, good read by the way. Not exactly my cup of tea but I thought that Maze might like it so I made a copy. Who’s Celly, by the way?” Tossing the book at Luna’s feet he pulled an identical copy out of his back pocket. Her eyes seemed to go slightly unfocused, the color draining from her face.

“It was locked with a spell…” She said lifelessly.

“Might’ve broken that.”

“You can’t read equish…”

“I lied.”

“The binding truth…”

“It’s outdated. Summoning works both ways, you know? You surface dwellers make new spells, bindings, and all that other shit to subjugate demons. And I research and break them.”

“The contract…”

“You’ll find out about that soon enough.” Anon smiled. “Don’t worry though, you’ll never see me or any other demon, ever again.” Purple fire began rising from Anon’s feet and surrounded his arms. As they grew his body slowly began disappearing. When the flames were just about to reach his waist Luna started walking towards him. “Well, I guess this is goo~BLUGH!” Anon cried as Luna’s hoof shot towards his defenseless crotch. What was left of the man’s vanishing body fell over in agony, he managed to groan something out as the flames reached his head.

“Y-you little shi~” and he vanished

Lesson 3, never trust a demon.

...

...

...

Anon slowly opened his eyes, face scrunched up with pain. He felt the grass of his lawn below him as he remained curled up on the ground hands clutching his balls protectively. He groaned, rolling over.

He felt something sticky on his back.

Author's Note

Decided to come out with this chapter fast since the first was a bit of a cock tease. It feels strange making a new chapter when the expectation seem so high. OH WELL :P

2 - The Day of Black Rain 1

Anon laid on his lawn, not daring to move after what he’d felt himself roll over into, but soon he began to notice something strange about the consistency of what was beneath him.

“The hell?” He grumbled, still in pain. Reaching behind him and grabbing the strangely sticky but chunky substance on his back and bringing it into his vision he saw the crushed and juicy insides of what appeared to be a blood peach.

“What?”

Seven days later…

Anon crouched on his porch, eyes intently focused on the valley of coarse dirt in front of him. His laser-like vision trained as though his sight alone could cause a miracle to happen. His right hand rested on his knee, and in his left he held a glass bottle. The blood red liquid within it boiled and bubbled endlessly. Blinking, Anon let out a sigh. He brought the bottle up to his lips and tipped it back, the strange drink reacting all the more violently as it passed his lips. He swallowed and sighed once more, a thick black smoke exiting his mouth and nose as he did.

“So it was like, a foal? You got summoned by a foal?” Anon groaned with effort as he stood up, finally breaking his gaze from the plant pot, he turned to Dinny who was sitting on the top stair of his porch staring over the lawn and into the distance.

“Yep, a tiny unicorn. Somewhere around Maze’s age.” Dinny’s brow furrowed, nursing his own bottle in his hooves. He turned his head slightly, gazing up at Anon out of the corner of his eye.

“I’ve never heard of something like that happening before…” He said, a slightly worrisome edge to his voice. Anon shrugged.

“I’m sure it’s happened once or twice before. Guys down at the lab have been going nuts over the last few days since I brought in the layout for the circle she used on me. But yes, it could be a bad sign.” Dinny took a swig of his drink, a similar black cloud leaving his lips as he exhaled.

“How bad?”

“Well it could be one or two things.” Anon walked over, dropping down onto the stair next to Dinny and letting his legs rest. “Either this is a fluke, this kid happened to be from a wealthy family who also happened to have enough information on summoning for her to perform her own ritual…” Anon paused, a stonelike frown covering his features.

“Or?”

“Or they’re advancing, just like all civilizations eventually do if they don’t die off. Information becomes more and more accessible. Education and increases in efficiency lead to greater equality among creatures.”

“And foals learn how to summon demons.” Anon couldn’t help but chuckle at Dinny’s comment.

“Yes! Foals start summoning demons, it’s raining tacos, and there’s free ice cream at Ben and Jerry’s!” Dinny didn’t look amused, even after all the years he’d known the man, there were still things he could say or do that made no sense to the incubus.

“It sounds pretty serious…”

“Means I’m gonna be getting a lot of time and a half, whether I want it or not.” Anon grumbled. The two sat there in silence for a few minutes, looking over the small cul de sac they both lived in. It was peaceful, the only real nuisances were the occasional splotches on the road caused by the magma that sometimes fell from the molten ceiling of Tartarus high above. Dinny took a long sip of his drink, finishing off the last third before setting the empty bottle between his hind legs.

“What about the cults?” Dinny asked. Anon finally cracked a small smile.

“That’s some of the only good news. Three years, 7 months, and not a single disappearance!” The cults, they were usually groups of pony fanatics that were sworn to destroy any and all demons. A leader would perform a summoning while the followers gathered around the circle, usually brandishing silver tipped spears. They perform the summoning, and it’s lights out. It can be a very sudden and painful end for a demon. The few who managed to make it back from such situations only did so with extraordinary wit and quick actions. In fact, one of the first known breakings of a summoning circle was done by a demon in such a situation. Overall it’s a horrific thing, but it’s also the reason Anon did what he did. “Saying that better not jinx me…” Dinny gave a sad grin.

“Honestly the second you said that I expected you to poof away.” Anon laughed.

“Yeah, a child living in some fancy house knows my name, next week I become a human shish kabob.” Anon noticed Dinny looking down in deep thought. “Look, I know it must be difficult to think about, but you know I wouldn’t sugar coat these things for you.” Dinny nodded slowly.

“Yeah I know, it’s just… Well, I have Maze and Wyz now. It’s not really about me anymore, and it’s not like the old days when we didn’t really have to think about the risks we took.” Anon placed his arm around Dinny’s neck, feeling the soft pink fur as he pet the incubus’s shoulder.

“Having family and loved ones is still a new and foreign concept to demons, relatively speaking. The way that you feel right now, it means you’re doing the right thing.”

“Does it ever stop?” Dinny asked, looking up at Anon hopefully.

“You should hope it doesn’t, at least not completely.”

“And what do I do if one of them does get summoned?” Anon gave a soft smile.

“There’s always a way to break a circle… Always.”

Two months later…

The ripe flesh and internal juices sizzled and popped as it pressed into the hot iron, the noises it made were not unlike the angry wails of fleeting lost souls. When the skin began to dry, sizzling hot oil was repeatedly raked on top of it, generating a slew of unholy sounds. As it shifted around violently, the scorching heat unceasing, the scalding iron’s burn only abating slightly to the repeated drenches of boiling oil. Anon smiled demonically, raising his arm with knife in hand he thrust downward skewering his prey cleanly through the center.

Moving the cooked sausage over to the baking tin, he gingerly placed it on top of the pile of onions and peppers, all varying colors of red of course. Grabbing the tin he walked over to the oven, using his free hand to open the door Anon quickly shoved the food in before slamming it tight. Punching a few quick numbers on the panel above, the telltale beep and pale light that shown through the glass panel told him he was done, for now.

“GOD I love sausage and peppers!” Anon said to himself enthusiastically.

Today was the day.

And Anon was ready for it.

Today was the day that the whole neighborhood got together for a potluck, and they were going to love his great grand uncle’s second cousin’s sister’s brother’s sausage and peppers recipe that he created when working as a watchman in German occupied Poland! But that wasn’t what was important no-no-no! Today was The Day of Black Rain, and while it doesn’t rain in Tartarus, and Prince wasn’t around to make a new hit album, it did indeed rain black. For some unknown reason in this region, millions of little smooth droplets of obsidian would fall from the molten ceiling on this day of the year. Back in the past some brilliant demon then must have pointed his hoof, claw, tentacle, or whatever it was to the sky and said “Hey, it’s black rain.” Thusly, the holiday was founded.

But there was something even more special about this day, besides getting off of work and eating good food. There was something rare that could only be found today and Anon wanted, no, NEEDED it. It was something so unique and irreplaceable that he knew failure was not an option.

Having finished setting the oven, Anon walked into his living room.

The room was very cozy and presentable, almost as though it was taken out of a home decor magazine and a red filter was slapped over it. Large and small cushy reclining couches sat with ornate end tables at their sides, a coffee table with carved legs sat in the center, and a nice seventy inch whopper rested on a large entertainment cabinet. But what was the most eye catching about the room was what sat back behind the couches.

A massive display case was hung on the wall, nearly spanning the entire surface. It was comprised of an almost countless number of small square compartments each with a seamless glass door and a black felt interior. Obviously, the compartments weren’t countless and Anon knew exactly how many there were.

One thousand compartments…

And nine hundred and ninety nine were filled.

Anon walked closer to the display, weaving his way behind the couch carefully as to not trip or knock anything over. He gazed into the various boxes before his eyes suddenly locked on one, reaching up and carefully opening the door, he slipped his fingers in and brought the object out into his hand, studying it closely.

It looked, at first glance, like a large marble. But a blue and black liquid seemed to shimmer and swirl inside the orb like a torrent of oily ocean water, that is, if the water was sapphires and the oil opal. It gave off a slight chill as it rested in his hand. It was a stunning stone, seemingly alive and yet solid. It was the kind of stone you would put diamonds and sapphires around to accentuate IT. Women would war over it the way men would war over women! People would consign their souls to have something of such magnificence to wear, even if only for just a day.

And Anon had nine hundred and ninety nine of them, and each was unique to the year that it fell.

This was the prize Anon was after, a spirit eye. A form of extremely rare raindrop that would only fall on the day of black rain. The eye had no real practical use, but they did always have some sort of minor elemental aspect to them. Legend says that the spheres are the eyes of demons of past, gazing over their ancestors or some malarky. For Anon, he just thought they were pretty.

Also he spent a month’s salary on the display case.

He smiled to himself, hand wrapping around the stone.

“Alright, today’s the day Anon. Are you ready?” He asked himself.

“Yeah I’m ready!”

“Are you ready to do whatever it takes to get this year’s spirit eye, including but not limited to assault, murder, or even genocide!”

“YEAH!!! BUT THE GENOCIDE WON’T BE FOR RACIST SHIT CUZ I AIN’T BASIC LIKE THAT! I JUST WANT MY DAMN STONE!!!”

“You’re gonna get that stone! You’re gonna finish this display! And we’re gonna sit with a warm cup of cocoa, facing away from the display for most of the day, watching romantic drama’s until we cry ourselves to sleep!”

“YEA~ wait whu?”

“...”

“GET PUMPED!”

“YEAAAAH!!!”

Anon was snapped out of his ~~crazy talk~~ motivational speech by the obnoxious beeping of the oven timer going off in the other room. Gently, he placed the stone in his hand back into the display and shut the door before quickly making his way back to the kitchen.

“How long was I standing there?” He questioned as he slipped on some pink oven mitts and removed his dish from the grate before setting it on the counter. The scent of spiced meat and fresh veggies hit his nose like a line of coke, immediately causing his mouth to salivate. Anon swallowed back the saliva, knowing that it wasn’t yet time to eat. Speaking of time, Anon looked over at clock hanging on an open wall.

“Oh shit!” He cursed himself. Mittens still on, Anon quickly grabbed the tin and began making his way to the front door. Reaching the door he carefully balanced the plate in one hand while he undid the locks with the other, the glove making it feel like he was an astronaut performing maintenance during a spacewalk. After minutes of struggling he finally undid the lock, quickly throwing the door open and gripping the hot tin with both hands once more he stepped out onto his porch, and immediately turned his head to the left.

A small sapling peaked out of the large plant pot that sat on his porch, the few leaves the twig had were shiny like bronze, and shimmered spectacularly in the slightest breeze. Anon smiled. Turning his head back forward he took in the sights and sounds that few days of the year could offer.

The dead end of the cul de sac was abuzz with activity. A long set of tables had been placed to one side of the road. They were covered with orange and black patterned cloths and loaded with foods from the neighbors. A few round tables with chairs had been set up as well, providing spaces for all the folk to sit and eat as they please. Lastly, in various spots along the sidewalk and in some of the neighbors yards games were set up. They were the typical neighborhood get together fare, like cornhole, hopscotch, and don’t drown for the apple, which was basically bobbing for apples but with a moral to the name. There were already a number of his neighbors walking about, eating food, and seemingly enjoying themselves.

and Anon was late...

Anon was never late to a social event.

How else was he supposed to maintain his standing as a pillar of the community if he was late.

He contemplated turning around and going back inside where he’d gorge himself on sausage and peppers and watch romantic dramas until he cried himself to sleep.

“HEY ANON, OVER HERE!” and thusly dreams were shattered like a 40 cal to a tempered sheet of glass.

Looking across the road he spotted Dinny waving a hoof from one of the tables. His wife, who Anon knew well, sat next to him looking over. They looked surprisingly similar to one another. Granted, and while he would never say this to a any succubus or incubus themselves, they all looked alike. The only difference between the two was the general stallion vs mare physique. They both had black manes and tails, though Wyz’s was longer and her mane curled slightly at the end, and they both had the same pink coats and brown eyes. A few of these things would vary when it came to incubus and succubus in general but far too often if one was facing away from you it would be near impossible to tell them apart.

Anon gave his friend an awkward wave of his mittened hand. His chances of escape now over, he descended the steps of his porch and began walking into the mayhem that was the Distil Road potluck.

As he walked, he saw the various demons that occupied the houses of his street and recognized many of them, knowing most by name. He spotted the Gazgath family sitting at one of the tables, the parents eating quietly with their three kids and chatting. They were Pazuzu. Essentially diamond dogs with horns and two sets of wings. There was Diglen the Glabrezu, who lived alone like Anon. Sort of looked like a large wolf mixed with a crab. Yes, he looks exactly like whatever you are imagining right now. He was cool. Lastly he spotted the Ozath’s, the husband and wife Bulezue. They were just goats. Sage, the wife, was an asshole. The kind of demon who wouldn’t shut the fuck up at HOA meetings saying things like “OH, You’re tree’s growing three whole inches into my yard!” or “That trampoline doesn’t fit the aesthetic of the neighborhood. Also, why do you need a trampoline Anon?”

Fucking bitch.

Anon placed his tin down on the tables with the rest of the food, and grabbed a plate to fill with some of the other dishes folks brought. Wanting to make his way over quickly to the ~~the warm embrace~~ the social safety of his good friend Dinny and his wife, he loaded his plate at a hurried pace, ensuring he didn’t spill anything as he quickly scooped his fill. Suddenly, Anon felt a hoof slowly snake around his shoulder, he froze.

“Helloooo Anonymous! Nis-s-s-s-e to s-s-see you out and about.” Anon tried not to flinch as a forked tongue tickled the back of his left ear. A frown quickly overtook his features.

“Hello… Dala.” He drawled. He felt the tongue flick his ear once more, he held back a shudder as the slimy thing nearly went inside the canal.

“How many times-s-s-s to I have to tells-s-s-s you! Call me Doll, darlings-s-s.” Anon could swear she threw the extra s’s in there just to bother him. He turned his head, cold eyes meeting the seductively lidded ones of the Yaun-ti mare. “How have yous-s-s-s been?” yous? Seriously?

“I’ve been getting along. How about you? Wrapped your tail around the necks of any stallions recently?” Anon asked, keeping his voice even and low. Dalazantañ smirk broke into a smile as she let out a series of hissing giggles, forcing Anon to fight the urge to pick his ear.

“You hurt me darlings-s-s! You and I both know the best pris-s-ses are the ones you f-f-fight to earn.” She brought her head back, sliding to his other ear. “Bes-sides, while it may be fun. I would never do sssuch a thing without~” She paused. Anon felt what he could only assume to be the end of her tail wrap around his other shoulder and lightly caress the crook of his neck. “Permis-s-s-s-sion” She whispered. Okay, this was getting wierd fast. He needed an out quick before he found himself being dragged back to her house.

Everything Anon had tried to tell her in the past ended up making her come after him all the more fervently. They way he shuddered? No, not desire. Hissing and tonguing his ear tends to cause that. When he implied that she had been with other guys or should seek them out? He must be testing her resolve. Telling her he wasn’t interested outright? Definitely playing hard to get.

“People want things more when they’re told they can’t have them. It’s childish to fall victim to such base psychology.” Anon said with a hint of venom. This caused the mare to pause. Had he actually gotten through to her? She nestled her chin back into his shoulder.

“Nothing has ever been gained by thos-se without the des-sssire to get it.” Her tail wrapped fully around his neck, giving a slight squeeze. “And s-s-weet Anon… My des-s-sires-s are innn-finite.” Focusing for a moment, Anon placed his index and middle fingers together. Out of sight of the mare, a small purple flame engulfed his fingers. It was a simple spell, one he had made sure to remember after all these years. Essentially, it was a strong muscle relaxant, enough to knock out control of her tail for a few hours, but Anon didn’t want to cause a scene. What would everyone think if he did!

“Come now, I know you don’t want to caus-s-se a ssscene.” Damnit! How did she know! “Let’s go back to my plac-s-se, I have wine.” Alcohol sounded good right about now, but Anon would not be so easily swayed!

How did she know he wouldn’t want to cause a scene? Of course! She planned it all out. This was her ploy the whole time. A voice of recollection suddenly rang in the back of his head…

“Are you ready to do whatever it takes to get this year’s spirit eye, including but not limited to assault, murder, or even genocide!”

Of course! If she dragged him back to her place he'd miss the black rain and thus be unable to get his last spirit eye! Social status be damned, if he was going to get the eye he was going to have to genocide the Yaun-ti! Starting with Dalazantañ Misáriameza!

Or maybe he’d just stun her with his spell and walk away, death camps can’t be built in a day.

So it was decided, with lightning speed Anon raised his hand Anon quickly tapped her tail with his fingers. Seconds passed as he waited for the hold around his neck to slack, but it didn’t. Anon looked down at his hand.

He was still wearing his pink oven mitts.

Shit…

Dala turned, Anon choked as the muscled tial squeezed and gave a firm tug causing him to stumble into her side. Just as he was about to rip the mitts off and begin peppering the crazy bitch with spells a deep, resounding, multi-layered voice spoke up.

“Hello, Anon. Did you just arrive?” The words were slow and methodical, the resonation making it almost hypnotising to hear. Dala froze up, her grip on his neck loosening considerably. Anon turned his head to the voice. Standing behind him was Diglen, he was over two thirds of Anon’s height with piercing gunmetal eyes above a stoic grey furred muzzle. The ticking of his four rear chitinous crab-like legs on the concrete contrasted the complete silence of his front paws as he made his way closer. An orange shell covered nearly the entirety of his rear half, minus his tail, which stuck out somewhat oddly. Smaller more armor-like plates trailed up his more wolfish front half to a prominent heater shield of exoskeleton on his chest. Anon would have likely rejoiced and proclaimed Diglen his savior had he not been recovering from the Yaun-ti’s tug on his throat.

“Y-yea *ack* just tryin’ to taste the foods, ya’ know.” He said subtly massaging his neck with a gloved hand.

“You best do that then… Before it gets cold.” Diglen’s eyes turned from him to Dala as he spoke, hardening ever so slightly. The air around the Glabrezu suddenly chilled, the ambient temp that could vaporize water flipped to that of an algid tundra. Anon felt Dala shiver through her tail as she retracted it from around him. She held an intense glare towards Diglen but it faltered as another shiver racked her body.

“W-w-well, he bessst get to that t-then.” She said through a forced smile, teeth chattering slightly. Her gaze shifted back to Anon. “Until nexssst time… Anon.” A sickeningly sweet smile covered her muzzle. She tried to hold his gaze but with another shudder she turned and trotted away, front hooves clopping on the street while her tail slithered behind her. The two watched silently until she was well out of earshot. Anon turned back to Diglen.

“Before it gets cold? Really?” Anon asked with a raised eyebrow, a prominent smirk across his face. Diglen sighed, raising a paw to massage his brow.

“I… didn’t even realize it until I said it.” He looked down, embarrassed. Anon’s smile grew.

“Oh no! I think you DID mean to say that.” Diglen looked up.

“No I~”

“You know, Dala might be a little hot-headed, but Diglen, you’re cool as ice!” Diglen’s face scrunched up.

“Stop~”

“You were always good at giving ladies the cold shoulder!”

“Why! By the gods I’ll~”

“It’s no wonder you like to remain ice-olated, after all, snow place like home!”

“I-just!~”

“Diglenavan’s certainly snow-flake when when it comes to helping me out of a bad situation.” Diglen’s face continued to scrunch further and further.

“They’re getting weaker.” He said, Anon stopped, his cheshire smile waning slightly. He raised his hands, surrendering.

“Alright, alright. I’m done.” Diglen’s face relaxed slightly.

“Good, because you were walking on thin ice.”

“You mother fucker!” Anon said as he broke down laughing, he saw faintest crease of a grin play across the ever stoic wolf’s muzzle.

3 - Day of Black Rain 2

Pain. Molten, burning, and excruciating. Every nerve like a lightning bolt across the skin, numbing, yet hyperactive in its sensitivity. Time was a blur in moments like this, raw and untainted by coherent thought. It was pure agonizing experience. And then it was gone.

A dark hallway, lined with black stones that nearly absorbed all the light from the unevenly placed torches mounted in rusted metal sconces that sparsely littered the walls. A distinctive series of cracks and tacks sounded from the upper end, accompanied by the scraping and thrumping of something being dragged. Farther down the hall, sequestered behind a series of criss-cross bars, two ears flicked.

“So, like, are you guys the mindless type of skeleton or are you just employed by the big hoss here?”

The voice got louder.

“I honestly trying to guess what you were before the whole, ya’ know, dead thing. Were you like gnolls? Or the wet dream of some furry necrophiliac?” As the voice grew closer, the pair of ears behind the bars focused and listened intently as the creature or entity rambled to the Inugami about throwing him a bone and how they weren’t being very cordical. Soon enough, perhaps too soon, they arrived at their destination. Two eyes watched from the opposite side of the hall as one of the Inugami bent the bars open on another cell. The creature the other carried froze and stared as the skeletal dog did this. It was a tall creature, perhaps nearly the height of the demons that carried it, it’s skin ranged from a pale tan, to black, to red and scarred, and it was covered in tattered and burnt cloths. It was as though it had just walked out of a firework shop accident. This was strange, surely the creature would have healed in the time it took to be brought down here, unless it was just that weak. The eyes tried to take in the creatures facial features, but they were small and difficult to make out even at this short distance. The second dog haphazardly threw the creature through the newly made hold in the bars. It let out a pained cry and hiss as it skidded across the rough stone floor.

“Fucking SHITHEADS!” It cried angrily. The dogs both quickly bent the bars back into place, filling the hall with the rough sounds of groaning metal. As the two finished they began to walk in pace back down the hallway. Scrambling to its feet, the creature stumbled up to the bars and shouted at the retreating forms. “Just you wait until I get a mortar and pestle! I’ll grind you up into calcium supplements! YA’ JACKASSES!” As it finished, out of breath, the two fleshy clawed apenages it used slid down the bars until it relaxed in a seated position. It let out a few more grunts and hisses of pain as it inspected the arm and thigh which had taken the brunt of the damage from the toss, a number of patches of skin were missing, and a few ribbons of the skin that weren’t fully detached still clung to the edges of the wounds as dark blood freely trickled down it’s arm and leg. “Mom would call that a bleeder.” It said with an unenthusiastic chuckle. As it looked up, its eyes met the large pair of brown eyes from across the hall which had been watching the scene unfold. It smiled, revealing a surprisingly clean series of sharp white teeth, accentuated with small canines.

“So, what’re you in for?” Anon asked with a smile. The brows above the eyes opposite Anon furrowed in confusion.

“What?” Dinny asked.

Part 2

Anon sat quietly at the table with Dinny and his wife, Diglen had taken the seat to his left. The four had been slowly eating while whiling away the time with intermittent bouts of conversation. Wyz was rather reserved, only piping up when she had something meaningful to add to the chat. She had a refined manner about her, not stuck up and also not boisterous in the way Anon often was. Anon liked her, but it still wasn’t the same kind of friendship that he had with Dinny or Diglen. She was the kind of girl who’d invite you over for dinner with the family, but wouldn't let you borrow her thong when you asked nicely. Diglen let Anon borrow thongs, and they always fit! …somehow.

The conversation had died down for a moment, leaving the four enjoying to enjoy their meals and take in the sounds of the neighbors moving about and talking around them. Anon looked over the cheap folding table they sat at before taking his plastic fork and stabbed another slice of sausage from his paper plate, he popped it in his mouth.

“Hey, Dinny?” He asked as he finished chewing. Dinny looked up, seemingly snapped out of his thoughtful state.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Is Maze around here? I haven’t seen him.” Anon said as he looked over the games set up in the yards that the various children of families tended to roam around. He was worried about what the kid might be doing if he was out of sight. Dinny and Wyz gave each other a worried glance before turning to him.

“He’s… grounded.” Dinny said with a long pause. Anon raised an eyebrow.

“Do I dare ask why?”

“You shouldn’t.” Dinny gazed towards his house, a far off look in his eye. It was the look that someone gets when the abyss stares back.

“But we do have a solution in regards to his recent, issues…” Wyz piped up. She said ‘issues’ as though she was talking about a child who needed to be put in a ‘special’ school. Diglen suddenly spoke up.

“What sorts of issues has your son been having?” He asked with a furrowed brow, his resounding voice caused the table to vibrate slightly. With a devious smile, Anon decided to take the initiative.

“Well, as you may know, Maze in now in middle school.”

“You mean junior high?” Anon gave Diglen a serious death glare.

“Fight me.”

“What?” Diglen asked, bewildered.

“Jif if for peanut butter! Yeah, anyways, do you know what that means?” The three stared at Anon, confused at his seemingly nonsensical outburst.

“More responsibilities, same level of freedom?” Anon raised a finger and was about to correct Diglen but realized he couldn’t fault his logic.

“er, Yes, but what else?” Diglen thought for a moment before it suddenly clicked.

“Oh OH! Like uh…” Anon nodded.

“Yep…”

“Puberty?”

“Yep…”

“How exactly does that work out for incuponies?” Diglen asked, curious.

“I have an immense sense of dejavu... Well, apparently, they go crazy.” Dinny and Wyz who had been silently watching the conversation unfold finally spoke up.

“That’s not, an inaccurate description.” Dinny said with an awkward chuckle. He received a subtle look of disapproval from his wife.

“Dear, our son has not ‘gone crazy’, he’s simply going through a change which every succubus and incubus does as they, mature.” Wyz said. Dinny muttered the word mature under his breath rolling his eyes, Anon spotted this.

“Hey, sometimes you gotta turn left to go right.” Anon said with a nod. Diglen looked back to him.

“I thought the phrase was three lefts don’t make a right?”

“No, I’m talking about drifting.”

“Since when were you a drifter?” Diglen asked, not getting the point.

“ANYWAYS!” Dinny interrupted. “We found a solution!” He said proudly. Wyz nodded.

“Yes, we should be able to take him out and about, and back to school, by the end of the week.” She said, tone bordering on frustration. Anon giggled to himself.

“What is it? A chastity belt?” Dinny and Wyz both froze, eyes flicking to one another, unsure of how to respond. Seeing this, Anon burst out laughing.

“NO FUCKING WAY!” He shouted, leaning back in his chair he put a hand over his eyes as he continued to laugh uproariously. Diglen could be seen struggling immensely to keep his usual stoic stare, breath hitching occasionally as his own guffaws threatened to break loose. Dinny and Wyz seemed to sink further and further into their seats. As Anon’s laughter slowly died down he wiped the tears away from the corners of his eyes, a smile still stretching his cheeks.

“No, no, I feel bad. I feel really bad.” He paused to collect himself, fighting to hold back another outburst. “No, that’s awful. That’s terrible!” He paused.

“What’s so terrible about it, Anon?” Diglen asked, clearly baiting him.

“I mean, brace face or four eyes is one thing, but being called CHASTITY BOY!” Anon broke down again, laying his head against his arm on the table as his chest heaved. “How about, the one belt wonder! They'll send petitions to free willy!”

“ANON!” Wyz whisper shouted shrilly. “That’s your godson you’re making fun of!” Anon took a moment to calm down.

“Alright, alright. I’m done.” Diglen gave the faintest of grins

“Sack the sack sack.” Anon burst out laughing once again. Wyz shot a glare to Diglen as if to say ‘you’re not helping’ and looked to Dinny.

“Honey, can you control him, please?” She asked in the way that a parents ‘ask’ their children to do chores. Dinny sighed.

“Anon, I know Maze isn’t here right now, and you’re probably right that demons will say things like that which is why we’re trying to be serious about how to handle this situation with him.” Anon finally calmed down, taking a few deep breaths he sat up.

“No, no, I get it. It’s just one of those things that you never think you’ll actually hear someone say, EVER, and because of that, I have exactly zero suggestions on how you should handle it.” He shrugged. “Sorry.” Wyz seemed to calm down as Anon finally started to relax, he knew she wasn’t one to hold grudges, but apologising was still his best bet.

“So, have you not told him about this yet?” Diglen asked Wyz. Wyz let out a long, slow breath.

“No, not yet. We’re still trying to figure out how to best, phrase it, I guess.” Anon saw the uncomfortable look on her face as she thought about the future conversation they would have to have.

“Just be honest with him.” Anon said. Wyz and Dinny looked to him questioningly.

“What?” Wyz asked.

“Just be honest. Clearly there’s a problem if you have to go to such extreme measures. So tell him about that, and listen to what he tells you. He’s growing up, and if you ignore his feelings or don’t explain things then he’ll start pushing you away as he gets older. That’s when the real mistakes happen.” Anon paused for a moment, like he was recalling something. “Who knows? You might even find a better solution just by talking it out.” He shrugged. Wyz looked down at the table for a minute in thought.

“That’s… actually rather helpful.” She said, a small smile finally gracing her lips.

“Pfff~ Don’t be too grateful now.” He responded sarcastically. Wyz could tell he wasn’t serious because of the small smirk he held.

“Have you ever had kids, Anon?” Diglen asked. Anon shook his head.

“No, never, but believe it or not, at one point in my many years, I was a kid!” He stated as though nobody would believe him. “No, wait. Technically I’ve been a kid a number of times, but that was because of magic and a kinky girlfriend. Not sure if that counts or not.” He scratched his chin in thought. “What about you then? You ever been in a serious relationship with kids or considering them?” Anon asked, trying to turn the somewhat invasive question back on him.

“Nope.” Diglen said.

“Have you wanted to?” He pursued.

“No. I don’t fancy having my head eaten by a mate.” Anon recoiled slightly.

“What? Dude, I’m pretty sure only Jorōgumo and Mind Flayers do that shit, and that was outlawed centuries ago!”

“They also both went extinct because the Jorōgumo females left society because they wanted to continue the practice but the males didn’t want to go with them, and the Mind Flayers died off after contraceptives were invented.” Dinny interjected.

“There’s always a chance.” Diglen said, shaking his head. Anon was about to tell Diglen that there wasn’t a chance because the only demons that did that are dead and he was also going to question why Diglen had thongs in his size if he hadn't been in a relationship but he stopped as he felt something small hit his head and bounce onto the table. Looking down at his plate Anon spotted a small black teardrop shaped object, no bigger than a pinky nail. The smooth surface reflected the light like a gem, it was obsidian, it had begun. With catlike reflexes he jumped onto his chair raising one leg he placed his foot on the table, striking a dramatic pose lessened only slightly by his foot sinking into what was left of the food on his plate. More raindrops were starting to fall and Anon could see and hear the shouts and cries of excitement from those around.

“Gentlemen! And Wyz.” He threw her a wink. “IT IS TIME! The game is afoot!” He hopped down from his chair, taking another pose with his hands on his hips. “Remember me in your hearts, minds, and erotic fantasies!” And with that he began to sprint up the road and out of the neighborhood.

“REMEMBER MEEEEeeeeeeee!!!” His voice trailed off as the black rain came down thicker and thicker and the sound of the bead like rocks on the concrete became a continuous thrum, obscuring his retreating frame and voice until he had completely vanished. Dinny, Wyz, and Diglen all watched him leave in silent disbelief.

“Is this something I should know about?” Diglen asked. Dinny sighed, looking at his plate that was now covered in obsidian drops.

“Anon bought one of those millenium spirit eye collection cases…”

“Really? Those things haven’t been in for like, a millennium.” Dinny frowned at Diglen.

“Yeah, that’s kinda’ how they work…” That day, Wyz and Dinny realized that Diglen wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.