Antics of Anon

by TheKMExperience

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Spike, Comedy, Other, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 11405

Silly short/long stories with the reference-spewing human.

Silly short/long stories with the reference-spewing 'hyewmun'.

Spin-off to Anon Begins and Anon II.

Published 2018-10-15 12:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-16 14:44:12 UTC

FoodFight!

It was a pretty average day in Equestria. Like any other day, you'd hang with your best ponies, plus dragon, and just do fun things with each other. Yes, it may seem like you're enjoying quality friend time a bit TOO much, but keep in mind:

You had no friends...

Just a cassette player and a totally-not-obssessed love for films.

Right now, you're having a quaint little picnic near a tall tree with the girls, also Spike, and what an impressive spread there was. From the diabeetus inducing concoctions of Pinkie Pie to the countless apple-related treats of AJ to the dreaded dryness of your dragon bro's dry ass cauliflower bites. But thank ~~Molestia~~ Celestia you managed to convince your best ~~waifu~~ pal Starlight to make those delectable tea cakes for the get together.

[Last week]
"Can you make some of those tea cakes?"

"Nope." she says bluntly.

[Three days ago]
"Please...?"

"Eeenope."

[Yesterday]
"Pretty please with a cherry on top and free belly rubs for a week?"

"...deal."

[Present]

It.........took a little convincing.

But nonetheless, it all worked out in the end. Every~~pony~~one's happy, everything's delicious and everything is right in the world.

Well, for Equestria's standards.

After nearly inhaling the ENTIRE bowl of cakes, you reach out for the next best thing: Pasta!

And it having that 'Rarity flair' made it even more desirable. As you go for the zesty delicacy at the center of the blanket, your hand suddenly runs into 'ol Dashie.

Ooooh how the plot thickened.

Now you and Rainbow have a........UNIQUE relationship, to say the least. One minute, you've always got each other's backs, you're practically siblings. But when it comes to situations like this however, it was on like Donkey Kong.

"Oops, sorry Anon." she says sheepishly. "I was just reaching for the pasta there."

"No, it's my fault. I was reaching for the...pasta?" you utter.

Both your eyes widen at the sudden realization. Either way, you two kept a straight 'friendly' smile. Rainbow reaches for the bowl with another hoof only to be blocked by your hand.

"Sorry, trigger arm."

If these dull butter knives were sharp...

The two of you share a split-second death glare before the others could notice. Rainbow takes another shot, you block it. She makes another attempt, blocked again.

"Ooh, is this some form of pony patty cake?" Pinkie squeaks eagerly. "I CALL NEXT!"

"What do you need the pasta for Dashie?" you ask.

"For a pasta and potato sandwich on sourdough, my favorite." she says matter of factly. "What about you?"

"I just love pasta."

Eventually, both your happy expressions slowly morph into hatred.

"Rock, Paper, Scissors for it."

"You're on Anon! I'm gonna- wait a minute..."

"Heh, I guess I win by default. My food sounds tastier."

As you claim your prize, Rainbow snatches it in a blink of an eye, cockily tossing it in front of your face.

"So THAT'S how it's gonna be, huh?" you hiss.

"I don't know, IS it?"

With your sheer amount of pure awesomeness, you crane kick your dinner fork, which ricochets off the tall tree and knocks the bowl from the pegasus' hooves, dropping it into your hands.

"Give up yet?" you snicker.

"NEVER!"

Rainbow tackles you off the picnic blanket, making you drop the pasta.

"I knew my pasta was worth fighting for, but this is ridiculous." Rarity adds proudly.

Applejack rolls her eyes.

Rainbow lunges at you with full force ready to buck you something fierce. You never wanted to resort to this but...

Nah, actually you did.

In a swift motion, you grab the incoming pegasus by the hoof and hold out your pinky-

"You called?"

Pinkie, return to your red-velvet-jalapeno-whatevers.

"Okie dokie lokie!"

Anyways, everyone back on Earth have always said you watched too many movies, but here you have a pretty effective advantage with that here.

"A-Anon, let's not do anything crazy now." Spike begs nervously.

"Don't hold me back Spike!" you exclaim. "She's been asking for this!"

"You don't have the guts, Anon." the pegasus scoffs.

"Um, excuse me? There's a-" Fluttershy mumbles.

"Oh, REALLY now?" you say, slowly lowering your finger.

"Y-You see, there's another-"

"I'll do it, Rainbow! Three...two...one..."

"Anon!" Twilight barks irritated. "While you were busy TRYING to blow up Rainbow, we found an extra bowl of pasta right here."

You stop just in time as the alicorn waves the dish in her magic.

"What?! Why didn't anyone tell us?!"

The timid pegasus hangs her head in defeat.

"I almost fingered Dashie away!"

[That sounded a LOT less worse in my head. Wait this IS my head.]

"Sorry bro. No hard feelings?" you say sincerely.

"Yeah, I guess. Still don't appreciate my sammy getting dissed like that." Rainbow grumbles.

"Actually, I lied. That sandwich of yours does sound pretty good."

"Always get my carbo-load."

You two hoofbump and return to the picnic.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned something today:

Pasta is the ruiner of friendships...

Your faithful 'hyewmun',
Anon"

Author's Note

Feels great to do HiE again. /)

Journal Entry #1

Journal Entry #1:

"Dear Journal,
Greetings
Salutations
Wassup
Hey there. I am Anon, the human. I'm kinda new to this whole journal thing but Twily INSISTS I attempt it. Something about 'finding myself' or some stupid sh*t like that, I don't care.

Da*n you, cursed censoring spell!

Anyways, I guess I should talk about...something. It's kinda hard NOT to write about anything without getting the faintest feeling of You-know-who getting her grubby, sprinkle-covered hooves on my privacy.

But I digress.

So, life here in Equestria is pretty great so far. Got a decent job, a good home and AMAZING friends. I love the absolute cr*p out of everyone.

Seriously?! Who considers 'cr*p' a swear anymore?!

Yeah, despite Twilight and the others...flaws, but mostly Twilight's, they're still the greatest . Especially my best buddy, Starlight. Sometimes her hair is lavender-scented, and the next it's coconut. Does she change conditioners? I wonder... But let's not get too emotional, that's Rarity's job.

Spike, if you're reading this:
1.) Don't tell Rarity and
2.) Hi Spike. /)

Today was kind of a STRANGE day. I know, if you know Pinkie, every day is strange. But this was a....creepily endearing kind of weird. Okay, so there's this odd unicorn mare named Liar, I think? Anyways she, for some reason, has an obsessive obsession with my HANDS! It's obvious there aren't alot of individuals gifted with digits in Ponyville, but why me?

WHY ME?!?!

Spike, bro. I've come to bargain.

But other than that, I think I'm doing an okay job representing the human race. I'd tell the children of Ponyville the incredibly incredible, totally-not-made up history of Earth. And it's also great to introduce everypony to the GREAT music of the past instead of the confused filth of today.

Seriously, what the actual f*** is a 'dab a ranch'?!
#ELO4ever...

I'll go kill myself later.

Urgh, well I'm pretty much done for today. Think it's about time to hit the hay.
Hey, that rhymed! This is your friendly neighborhood human Anon, signing off.

Hope this book has a privacy spell on.

"Dear Anon,

It doesn't have a privacy spell.

P.S. You look peaceful when you're asleep." ~P :pinkiehappy:

Rough as Stone

Sweet Apple Acres.

The most calm, most humble place in Equestria. Home to the Apple (with a dash of Pear) family, this is one of the most iconic location in town. And from your experience, that's an absolute FACT. These ponies are your family.

"Not again! U-Uh, best two out of three!"

But at the moment, as a "family", you're determined to take them down. Yes, you and your little filly "sis" AppleBloom are having an intense game of arm/hoof wrestling on a wide old tree stump near the farm's silo. Actually, to be HONEST, it was only intense to her rather than to you. Even without your pony portal powers, you'd still whoop the kid.

"Alright. And a one and a two and a boom." you slam the puny pony's hoof down.

"Ah, HORSEAPPLES!" she exclaims.

"AppleBloom!"

You both turn to an appalled AJ.

"Now what'd I say 'bout the language?" she huffs.

"I'm sorry, big sis! But Anon keeps winnin' here!"

"That's cuz yer doin' it all wrong. Lemme show ya."

The filly moves aside as AJ sits across from you, laying her elbow on the stump. "Ready." she utters, giving you a sinister smirk. You kneel down and clutch the farm pony's hoof.

"Now AppleBloom, the key to hoof wrestlin' is ya always have to-"

Before she could finish, you slam her hoof down effortlessly.

"L-Lucky shot."

"Thanks." you say smugly.

"Here's the real deal. Put 'em up Monkey Boy!"

You grab her hoof again as AppleBloom stands between you two.

"Ready," she starts. "Set......GO!"

AJ prepares to struggle only to find her hoof already slammed down.

"Give up?" you ask.

"Ya got lucky again. Best two outta three."

SLAM!

"Three outta nine!"

SLAM!

"Eighteen outta thirty-five!"

SLAM!

"Seventy-six outta...one fifty one!"

SLAM!
SLAM!
Thank ya, ma'am!

The exhausted earth pony looks up at you, seething with anger. Even AppleBloom is bored to death.

"Just say it, I rule." you snicker.

"Don't ya worry none." AJ pants. "I'm not done just yet."

Suddenly, she blows a whistle that echoes throughout the fields. There, your side bro, Big Mac comes stomping into the scene.

"Oh, hey Big Mac," you wave. "Good to see you."

He gives you a little nod before taking AJ's spot across from you.

"You wanna take a crack at it?" you ask.

"Eeyup." he nods confidently.

The burly stallion lays his hoof down, ready for action. The sly looks in the two sister's faces made this outcome even more fun to anticipate seeing. You hook your arm around his.

"Ready," AJ starts. "Set......GO!"

Big Mac pushes with all his might, actually bringing your arm down a few inches. Soon, you get a devious idea.

"Hey look, it's Sugar Belle!"

His stone cold focus is demolished as his pupils form hearts, frantically searching for the mare. While he's distracted, you manage to even the odds and eventually bring his hoof your side.

"Oh, no ya don't!" AJ barks, clutching your arm.

Not long after, AppleBloom pushes against her sister's hoof.

"Snap outta it, Big Mac!" she exclaims. "He wants to play dirty, we'll show 'em DIRTY!"

With their combined sibling strength, the three Apples push your arm away from victory.

"Come on," you chuckle nervously. "You know I was just joking."

"Naw, Anon," AJ shakes her head. "We're doin' this our way now."

Further and further away, the three force you away till you're a bucking INCH towards failure.

"Any last words?" AppleBloom asks cockily.

"Just three," you utter. "That's. My. Purse!"

They pause and stare at you confused.

"Say what now?" Mac says.

"Ya know what, buck it." you thought.

You practically THREW the trio off the stump as you slam their hooves down in no time flat. Before you could savor your victory, a wave of confetti covers half of your body.

"THAT. WAS. AWESOME!!!"

As you wipe it off, you're greeted with a creepily cute smile from the pink menace.

"I know I'm awesome, Pinkie."

"That was more than awesome, that was Super Power Ninja Turbo Neo Ultra Hyper Mega Multi Alpha Meta Extra Uber Prefix AWESOME!!!" she screams. "Wasn't it Maud?"

"Yes..."

You jump in surprise as the odd mare appears beside you.

"Oh, hey Maud. How are you?"

"I'm good..."

Her blank stares have always sent shivers up your spine, to the point where you turn to the ~~crack addict~~ party pony.

"Hey Nonny, you should try her! She's a really reeeeeal challenge."

You look back at the rock pony whose motionless eyes meet yours.

"I-I don't know, think you're up for it, Maud?"

"Sure..."

Back at the stump, you two hook arms as Pinkie starts off. "Ready, set....GO!"

You decided to go easy on the pony and slowly lean her hoof. Only it doesn't budge.

Not a centimeter.

"GO MAUD!" Pinkie squeaks.

Maud slowly pushes your arm to her side as you helplessly strain to gain SOME shred of advantage, to no avail. The Apple family cheers as you get closer to your doom until-

PLOP.

"I win..."

Maud: 1
You: 0

You hang your head in defeat as Pinkie hops joyfully. Soon, Maud reaches into her cloak and pulls out a little rock, holding it up to her ear. "What's that, boy?"

A moment of silence.

"Boulder says your form needs improvement." she says, forming what looked to be a slight smirk.

"Well, you...I don't...that was......hush, Boulder!"

Author's Note

Maud is best pony...

But seriously. Don't Google Monkeybone.

Game On!

"Please be there, please be there, PLEASE be there!"

You're running through the corridors, turning sharp corners praying to God, Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, freaking Optimus Prime that Spike's in his room. You even prayed to Satan.

Hey, he owed you.

Eventually, you reach your destination and knock on the wooden door faster than a woodpecker on coffee until the dragon answered. "Hey Anon. What are you up to?" he asks.

"Oh nothing, just checking on my bro. Wondering if he wants to do something." you blabber frantically.

"Hm, I don't really have anything planned today-"

Your heart sinks at the statement.

"How about the arcade?" he suggests.

"Great, let's go!"

You dash into the foyer only to see Spike not around.

"Spike, hurry up! We're not getting any younger here!" your voice echoes through the castle.

"One minute!" he hollers back.

You notice the muffled tone in his voice and shake your head in annoyance. "I told you, kissing that picture of Rarity does NOT bring good luck!"

Your happy dragon bro dreamily flies his way down the hall into the foyer, a proud smile on his face. "It does to me."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just go already."

Spike gives you a quizzical look. "Why are you so eager to-"

"Come on, Anon! There's nothing wrong with friends studying each other's anatomy!" Twilight's voice echoes down the hall. "I don't bite!"

You kneel down and give the baby dragon a pleading look.

"Yeah, let's get out of here." he says. He jumps on your back as you zoom into town.

"Hey, you can put me down. We're in the safe zone." Spike states.

As you prepare to lower your bro, the hand-fetishist waving to you across the street catches your eye.
"Eenope." you utter, tossing him back on and cutting through the short, less creepy path to the arcade.

Eventually, after some detours, you two reach a building, Cave and Boulder's. Inside was a colt's paradise. It was the Valhalla for boys, with skate parks, snack stands, flashy attractions and dozens of game consoles as far as the eye could see. All the testosterone filled bullshit was so glorious, it even distracted you from the cringy pony game titles like 'Sheet Brawler', 'No Mare's Sky', 'Sprocket and Plank', 'Super Bash Pones' or 'Just Prance'. Colts, stallions and disguised fillies roamed around as the games beeped and booped aloud.

"How come I haven't run into this place?!" you yell in disbelief.

"Didn't think you were the gaming type." Spike shrugs. "What do you want to try first?"

You walk over to a lone console, 'Mac-Pan', and observe the game's similarities to the cherry-chasing dot muncher.

"If 'ol Sandler can do it, SO can I." you mutter as you reach into your pocket for a bit.

Suddenly, a light-brown colt with a propeller hat trots over and cockily leans against the console.

"I see you think you're brave or foolish enough to take on the cheese chomper." he says dramatically.

"What do you want Button?" you sigh.

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to warn you about the difficulty that is Mac-Pan. It took me days, nay, WEEKS to master such a challenge. You think you got what it takes? You couldn't BEGIN to imagine the horrors you will endure-"

"While you were yammering on, I ate through, like THREE levels already."

"What?!"

The colt looks at the screen in awe as you chomp gouda ghouls, racking in the points and beating level after level. Eventually, you overtake Button's high score after losing your last life and entered 'ASH' above 'BTM' on the leaderboard.

"Why'd you call yourself Ash?" Spike asks.

"Because I just BURNED his flank!" you exclaim triumphantly, pointing at the kid like a bucking child yourself.

"Y-You got lucky." Button stutters. "I have the #1 spot on many others!"

"That can be arranged." you give him a smug grin.

"Alright, game on."

After some intense and seizure-inducing gameplay, you made the spunky colt eat his words as you beat half the high scores in the area, tying up with Button. Right now, you're striking a chunky monkey with a mallet.

"Ha! Take THAT Konkey Dong and your suggestive name! Got more high scores here Mash!"

"It's not over yet." Button says. "There's still one last game." he hisses, pointing at a purple console. "The tiebreaker."

You get a closer look at the game, 'Dragon's Lake', and your heart sinks.

"It's the hardest game in the arcade. Sure you're up for it?" the colt asks.

"Oh, I'm aware of it's toughness. But I'm tougher!" you say determined as you put a bit in the slot. You're not going to let the runt best you.

"You sure you're ready Anon?" your bro asks worriedly. "This one's pretty unpredictable."

"Positive."

A little while into the game, you notice it was creepily IDENTICAL to Dragon's Lair. You've memorized the game by heart and constantly had to tell yourself it wasn't a movie or to not let the princess make your pants feel tighter. After, of course, beating Button's score, he takes the wheel, vowing to save his position. He kept that promise and soon was 100 points away from yours. You've worked mildly hard for this and are not gonna let this happen. Gotta find a weakness in him.

There, you got an idea.

"Oh, hey Sweetie Belle. Didn't expect to see ya here."

"Oh buck, is my hat on straight?!" Button yells frantically, taking his hooves off the controls and killing his character.

"Oops, false alarm."

The colt gives you a look of pure hatred as you shrug it off. Suddenly, every light in the building cuts off and back on.

"Attention everypony, we've had some technical difficulties with the power, but it has been quickly resolved. Although, the leaderboards in the consoles have all reset. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Your smile fades as you turn to the colt.

"Truce?"

"Truce." he sighs.

Anti-Social Media

You know, sometimes you amaze yourself with just how long you've gone without the dreaded weapon that is technology. Your player didn't count because that actually made you PRODUCTIVE. Instead of playing games about dealing with goofy monsters, now you're.....dealing with goofy monsters like Pinkie.

But you constantly getting ponies interested in wanting such devices is NOT helping in the slightest. Not long before soon, the doctor could perfect the Android formula, or whatever, and make phones for you and everyone to mindlessly walk off cliffs with and inspire FillyWood execs to make a film about Jean-Luc Picard as a literal piece of shit.

But, I digress.

You're going on your casual definitely-not-a-date friendly stroll through the school with Starlight until you two spot Purple Smart scribbling with sticky notes on a few large bulletin boards in her magic.

"Hey Twi, whatcha up to?"

"Oh, hey you two!" she exclaims. "I think I've worked out this 'Facial Book' thing."

"Facia-huh?" Starlight asks confused.

"It's called Facebook, Twi." you sigh.

"Not here, it's not. I'm calling it...'HoofBook!'" she says extravagantly.

[How original...] you thought. "And how are you going to pull it off, exactly?"

"Oh, it's quite easy actually. Everyone writes on these notes and post them here on this board about anything. Ya know, help the students connect more?"

"I don't know, are you sure about this?"

"Like I said Anon, trolls don't exist."

"Like I said Twi, it's not THAT kind of troll."

"Then why is it called that?" Starlight asks. "

She had you there. Even you didn't know why it earned that name....

Actually, you DID but you're not gonna let the concept of fishing ruin your image. Fluttershy wouldn't approve. :( Before you could protest further, the giddy alicorn places the boards up in the school's foyer as one and sticks a note to it: 'Hey, there!'

"Try it out." she asks eagerly handing you a note.

You write on the paper and plop it on the board: 'Sup, Twi'.

She teleports in a bag of tiny stickers and puts a heart-shaped one on your post.

"Well...?" she says expectantly.

"Got my vote." Starlight says liking your comment.

"I'm still not sure about this but...fine." you shrug.

"Eeeeeeee!" she squeals. "This is gonna be GREAT! I have other ideas like this! I call them 'InstaGriffs', 'SnapChangeling'-" she rambles on.

[Geez, this mare has no originality whatsoever, huh?]

Sometime later, halfway through class time, you notice the large group of students surrounding the board. Not one of them was without at least a sticky note or two. From what you could tell, it seems to be doing pretty well. Hell, you felt bad for the sucker who has to scratch off all those stickers.

Wait a minute...

Anyways, you maneuver through to the board and see hundreds upon HUNDREDS of notes covering up 99.9% of it to the point where more boards are nailed atop it. The egghead actually pulled it off. This 'HoofBook' has a note from EVERYONE. They were all just the casual hello's, humorous photos and goofy user names.

But then one post catches your eye.

#Lyr4 H.:
'Has anypony noticed how well-moisturized Anon's hands are? OMC, it's insane! Also, hi Anon!'

"Hey Lyra." you sigh to yourself.

[How the hell she get in here?!] your mind screamed.

"THEY SAID WHAAAAAT?!?!" a voice boomed.

Suddenly, Pinkie comes bolting through the crowd until she reaches the social board and scans every inch of it. "AHA!" she exclaims. "THERE you are!"

"Woah, hey Pinkie what's going on?"

She shoves a glitter-covered note into your face. "This slander!"

#ChocolateMilk:
'Pinkie Pie sucks cake batter.'

"It was CUPcake batter! Total difference!" she screams.

You knew this was coming eventually. Never trust an a-dork-able alicorn!

"Pinkie, if you're gonna take my advise once in your entire sugarcoated life, take it now. Walk. Away."

The pissed pony bucks you aside, scribbles on a note and slams it on the board. #PinkiePieIsBestPartyPony:
'Party pooper!'

Out of nowhere, the troll note's words fade away and reappear with more. #ChocolateMilk
'Sweet Celestia, 50 Shades of Hay was funnier than that. XD'

You and the crowd tried hard to keep your 'You got owned' look hidden, to no avail.

As the party mare prepares to ramble on with another note, you stop her. "Pinkie, there's a way around this."

"HOW?!?!" she barks.

".....turn around."

She pouts as she turns away from the board.

"Feel better?"

"I...I do!" she says in bewilderment.

Soon, Discord poofs into view. "0h coMe cOme NoW. C4n't u taKe a j0k3?" he groans.

"Damnit, Discord!"

Everyone, including you, turn the other cheek.

"C0mE oN, soMeOn3? @ny0nE?!"

No one budges. Defeated, the comically-challenged draconequus teleports away. Before you could react, Pinkie boops a heart sticker to your nose.

"It worked! Thanks Nonny!"

As she hops off, the students surround you and stick hearts to you until your body is covered in hearts.

And THAT'S how Equestria ~~was made~~ should stay without phones.

Author's Note

How ironic as I'm writing this ON my phone...

Beware the Eyes

"Alright Spike. Remember: 'in and out'. No snacks, no comics, and NO stuffed pony toys to dress up as Rarity. Got it?"

"Shhhh! Keep your voice down." the dragon hisses with a blush. "Yes, I got it."

"Where's the list Twily gave you?"

"Right here."

You examine the list.

"Let's see now. Flour, sugar, latest copy of 'Diary of a Scrawny Colt'. No quills?" you thought. "Heh, I'm actually proud Purple Smart learned to take it easy on the poor quills."

"There's more."

You flip the note over...

Spoke too bucking soon.

Written all over, taking up 99.95% of the side read 'QUILLS'. The other .5% was a little sidenote:

"I've learned nothing. Live with it, Anon. :twilightsmile:"
~T

You pocket the list and roll your eyes as you head into town with Spike. Eventually, you two have obtained half of the list, including the alicorn's feathery victims. Having saved the food for last, you both make your way to the supermarket. Everything was all smooth sailing from there. No obstacles whatsoever.

You. And your mind's. BIG. Mouth.

Another thing you hoped to have NEVER encountered in Equestria, yet here you are. Right there, outside of your goal is a monster, THREE to be exact. A villainous, insidious evil that lures in naive adults to their doom with their "charm", one you've had to deal with back on Earth. Legend says one look into their hypnotic eyes, you're theirs til they get what they desire. A fate worse than ~~Foodfight~~ death. They are...

"Hey Anon!" Sweetie Belle exclaims. "Want some cookies?"

Girl scouts. Or "filly scouts" as this world calls it.

"They're chocolate chip." Scootaloo states, waving a box.

True, they were tempting, but you have willpower. You lightly push the box aside with a finger as you proceed inside the supermarket. "No thanks. I'm good."

"Come on Anon. Just one li'l box?" AppleBloom coos, blocking the entrance.

"No way! Last time you made me buy 20 boxes. I got so many cavities, Colgate slapped me."

"We'll go easy on ya. Make it 10."

"Eeenope! You no good cookie-pushers prey on the weak, right Spike?"

You turn and see the dragon starring hungrily at the stacks of cookies. "SPIKE!"

"I'm sorry, what?" he snaps out of it.

"Bro, GO!"

Spike takes off and attempts to fly into the store, only to be ensnared in the alluring aroma of freshly baked goodness as Sweetie pops a cookie into his mouth.

"Bro, NO!"

The felled dragon struggles to get on his feet. "A-Anon...I'm sorry. I-It's so..."

"Don't say it, dude. Don't you DARE say it!"

"Delicioussss." he says dreamily.

"NOOOO-"

Suddenly, Scootaloo bucks a cookie in your open mouth and down your throat. It was an intense battle. You fought the taste buds and the buds won.

You fall to your knees and hang your head in shame and defeat. AppleBloom smugly slides you two boxes as you roll a few bits to the filly.

"Next time, just buy the cookies." Scootaloo says cockily.

A low burp from you was all the confirmation they needed. You grab your things and head into the market with Spike.

Defeat never tasted so, so sweet.

Author's Note

I'm hungry...

Journal Entry #2

Journal Entry #2:

"Human's Log:

Avoiding bridge to insanity due to pink psychopath and aquamarine creep. I might not make it back alive sane.

But in all seriousness, it's ya 'hyewmun' boi Anon here writing in my journal against my will because why not? Everything's still awesome in Equestria, as always. Just got back from the school, whooped my best frenemy Rainbow Crash in team dodgeball again. I WON, as usual, in case you haven't noticed. Of course you haven't, you're a journal for f*** sake.

Jesus f****** CHRIST, I hate this censoring spell!!!

Maybe I can throw it off...

Anyways, today I came across a really interesting-

F**k
Sh*t
C*ck
A**
Tr*mp

D*mn it! Almost had it.

My arm hasn't really been up to code after that dodgeball match. It might be On tHe iFfy sIDE for a wHile________!/<*,$(]@-,&-•¿₩..."

"Hiya there, journal. Pinkie Pie here. Nonny's arms gave out so I'm writing it for him. Although, he MAY be a tiny, itty bitty bit bit p**ved about it. I don't understand why, I'm just charmingly and endearingly invading his personal privacy.

It's not like I'm trying to figure out when his birthday is cuz it's driving me BANANAS or anything.

I need help...

I should probably wrap up right now. It's hard to write while running from an angry hyewmun and I think he's gaining feeling to his hands. PP out!

P.S. I said PP. XD :pinkiehappy:

"Sorry about that, journal. If that little gremlin knew when my special day was...

Let's hope it never comes to that.

I've been working with Twilight on creating a brilliant defense for my privacy. Equestria's next best thing: invisible ink!

With this stuff, I can write whatever I want without future humiliation. Including but not limited to:
Peas give me gas.
Vinyl's better than Cardi B.
Jim Carrey's Mask freaks me out.
Starlight has best mane.😍

I'd tell ya how I can see it, but Ponko would use that against me and....

You're a journal.

Anyways, I need to rest for the day. I'm low on protein and high on cholesterol. D*mn sugar fueled ponies.

Anon, out."

"Peas get to me too!"

UNO!

It happened.

It finally happened.

In a world of insane and goofy talking mythical cash grabs...

YOU'RE BORED.

Yes, for all the crazy shenanigans you and your friends get into on a weekly basis, the dark forces of boredom have tracked you down and decided to fuck with you. Right now you, Spike and the girls are lazing about in the crystal map room contemplating the day's potential activities.

"Is there any special events today?" you ask.

"None that we know of." Twilight shrugs.

"Any parties you got planned, Pinkie?"

"I already am, Nonny! It's a Boring Party!" she exclaims.

"No team building exercise at the school?"

'Fraid not Anon." AJ inserts.

"No friendship missions?"

Fluttershy and Rarity shake their heads.

"In a racing mood, Dashie?"

"Even I need a break from racing Anon." RD states. "Plus my wings are kinda tense at the moment."

"Eh, the more ya know I guess."

"And knowing is half the battle!" Pinkie inserts.

"Star?"

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm Dragon Pit'd out." Starlight huffs.

You gasp. "Well....don't any of you have SOME kind of game we could use?"

"I got cards, Nonny. Wanna play that?"

"Ugh, I'm not the best at card games except....except...."

That lone rusty cog in the back of your mind finally clicks as you get an idea. "I'll be right back."

You zigzag through the hallways Temple Run style, grabbing TONS of paper and crayons and sketching at top speed as you return to the map room. Slamming the large stack in the center of the table, you pass out seven sheets to each pony/dragon/Deadpool's waifu.

"What's all this about, Anonymous?" Rarity asks.

"I call it....UNO!"

Everyone looks at their deck of cards quite quizzically.

"Games of human culture, how fun!" Twilight squeaks. "How do you play?"

"Well, first off, you don't take notes while playing the game." you say, snatching the floating notepad and quill out of the nerd's magical grip.

"Now the rules are simple-"

As you turn around, you hear a faint sound of something being scribbled on. You sigh and continue.

Later...

After a painstakingly long time explaining the basics of the game, thanks to Pinkie's constant questions, you finally sit down and got the show on the road.

"Now are we clear on everything?" you ask.

Everyone nods in agreement.

"Alright. AJ, you're up first."

The farm pony tosses a yellow three at the center. For fingerless creatures, these ponies sure could carry a deck. Everything seemed to go smoothly, all stacking card after card and the others were getting a pretty good kick out of it.

But then, everything changed when the pink one attacked.

"Ha! Gotcha Rarity!"

You knew it was coming eventually, and it indeed has. Pinkie...dropped a blue +2 on Rarity.

"Oh. It. Is. ON!!!" she hisses.

The 'generous' mare pulls a +2 and sends the combo over to AJ seething with competitive rage.

"Ya must be plumb crazy if ya think ya can do that Rarity."

"Don't be silly, of course I can. Anon said it himself, isn't that right?"

"Uhhh..." you utter.

That anger must've been contagious because the salty effect passed on to the ~~red~~orangeneck as she slams ANOTHER +2, creating a +6!

And so it went on, all of you passing draw two's around and around. You really did suck at shuffling cards. Soon, you all slap down a card and hollered a-

"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"UNO!"
"DOS! I-I mean UNO!"

A +38 has accumulated from your aggressive onslaught. Then, it all fell to poor old Fluttershy, who hangs her head in defeat.

"It's alright, Flutters." you assure. "It's just a game."

"Oh dear," she squeaks. "I can't believe you all would do such a thing!"

She slaps a +2. "To Anon. UNO, out."

Your jaw hits the floor as the room is filled with collective 'ooooh's' and Starlight levitates 40 cards into your deck.

Saltiness levels rising.

"I-I..."

The pegasus gives you an innocent smile.

"It doesn't matter. I'm not competitive, you guys. I'm not."

"Yeah, suuure Anon." Rainbow says.

"Whatever. I'll come back on top. I'm not competitive."

RD places her last card: a blue +2.

Once again, everyone tosses their last card, surprisingly ALL +2's, one by one yelling "UNO!" as it comes right back to you. You could practically scratch the salt flakes off your skin as Pinkie throws the last card.

"UNO! You lose Nonny!"

The pile of cards bury you from the waist up as your 'good' friends snicker at your failure. Suddenly, Spike flies towards your card-covered face.

"Hey....you mad, bro?" he chuckles.

"Eeeeeeeeee, let's play it again!

You facepalm in regret.

Hearth's Warming Eve

Hearth's Warming Eve, the time of togetherness.
A time when ponies would flee from Pinkie's holiday eagerness.
Unlike your home on Earth, this place's actually decent
Not relying only on gifts and useless presents most recent.

In the castle of Twilight Sparkle, where you, Anonymous, reside
Are peacefully slumbering at the comfort of your bedside.
Everything was perfect, not a doubt about that
Oh wait I jinxed it, the egghead pops up in no time flat.

"Wake up, Anon! It's Hearth's Warming eve!"

"I know that Twi, but I'm tired. Can you PLEASE leave?"

The hyped brainiac begins poking you, you hated it from the start
But she wouldn't relent til you quit being an old fart.

"Come on Anon, don't be so hasty!"

You weren't, to be honest you were just lazy.

A huff, a grunt and a rock outta bed,
the look on the alicorn's face demolished your dread.
You couldn't say no to those anime eyes, be sinful to
Despite the fact these horses are cheerier than a Who.

Not wanting to be 'that guy', you get up to dress
A pony's Christmas is something you would witness.
With your player and an unquenchable thirst for beer
You head into town to spread some 'hyewmun' holiday cheer.

You stroll out of castle, playing songs down the street
As the morning ponies give you a casual morning greet.
They went all OUT this year, something great to behold
You'd enjoy it better if you weren't so goddamned cold!

Everypony's working together to bring this event together
Which is pretty impressive, given this severe type of weather.
Even the Cakes are making a festive holiday brew
'Figgy Eggnog' they called it, didn't that make you say 'ew'.

But alas, these ponies practically LIVE off of things sweet
Don't believe me, EVERY house is gingerbread on this street!
Then, you get a feeling that you seriously hate to know
As the fluffy pink menace tackles you in the snow.

"Hiya Nonny!" she squeaks, wearing a sweater most charming
"Who're you giving a gift to this Hearth's Warming?
Yah! I rhymed, but I really don't know why
But THAT'S how ya do it Mr. Narrator Guy!"

"Ponko, the gifts I give are nothing to flaunt
Heck, I doubt they'd be something ANYONE would want."
"Not even a certain unicorn?" she utters quite slyly
"Who tends to get from you a big 'ol smiley?"

You stutter and stumble and try to hide your blush
But managed to utter a dismissive "Hush!"
"Just a suggestion Nonny, we both know it's true
Who knows, maybe she's got a gift just for you."

Before you could react, she hopped off at top speed
To possibly look for weird shit she doesn't need.
But what if she was right, what if she was wrong
What if she's trying to get a rise outta your magnum dong.

You couldn't leave your pal giftless, it's just not right
You grab your player and ran with all your might.
But then you pause in your tracks with a sudden realization:
"WHAT SHOULD I GET HER?!" you exclaim like you're suffering a castration.

It then hits you for what could be the perfect gift
As you sprint out of town in a motion most swift.
You arrive at an open field covered hoof deep in snow
As you search for materials, nopony in the know.

Finally, you find enough and get straight to work
Whittling on twigs with a dull fork.
Yes, it was difficult to make, but you wouldn't relent
For nothing was better than a homemade present.

Soon, the sound of crunching in the snow alerts your ears
As a group of foals approach you with devilish sneers.
Judging by the balls of snow in their hooves, you were in for it
Like that cat and mouse show but without all the wit.

Suddenly, every filly and colt in town jumped out from behind
Their expressions proved they weren't here to be kind.
Led by the Crusaders, the children were locked and loaded
Bitter over the countless times of them you have goaded.

You pack up your stuff and flex a muscle
For you knew you were in for a tussle.

As they prepare to strike with much anticipation
You pull out your player to counter this confrontation.
"WAIT!" you yell, stopping those you have pissed.
"Before you attack, I have one thing to say-"

"Get 'em!" AppleBloom barks and the cavalry starts chucking
As you put on your headphones, effortlessly ducking.
Most of them were TERRIBLE throws to be honest
Like Snips, who accidentally hits Pip in the chest.

It was a war zone of immense proportions
That's a lie, it's harder to watch than live abortions.
Twist slips on ice, Snails' tongue is on a pole
It went from foal-on-human to foal-on-foal.

"Not so fast, Anon!" Scootaloo hisses with a ball
"With my army, I'll ice you once and for all!"

"Not now Scoots, I can't let the plot thicken
It's not my fault you DO resemble a chicken."
Her adowable fury gets the very best of her
When she chucks a snowball you return to sender.

It's all fun and games til somepony gets hurt or worse
In this case, your bestie Starlight, who's ready to curse.
A snowball from the war had struck the poor mare
Who slowly turns to you all with a venomous stare.

The children scatter, leaving you to your fate
As the unicorn's face changes into one filled with hate.
You tried to explain the situation, with little success
"Sorry pal, frostbite for a frostbite." she ominously says.

A clump of snow in her magic aims at you
One thing came to mind:

"Well...I'm screw-"
*THWHACK*

A snowball goes straight 'KAPOOYAH' to your face
Where it sends you to the ground in a freezing daze.
"I yield. I YIELD!" you squealed, cowering in defeat
The unicorn hums in triumph as she helps you to your feet.

"Well, that hurt." you manage to huff through
"I know Anon, I just like to mess with you."

You roll your eyes as you reach for your sack
No, not THAT one, the one on your back!
Making sure your things didn't get busted
Forgetting your paranoid mind's not to be trusted.

"What's in the bag?" Starlight asks, curiosity piqued.
"F-Firewood for the fireplace." you nervously squeaked.

"Doing anything for Hearth's Warming? It is your first one here."

"Eh, I'm normally free this time of the year."

There you two stood, awkwardly staring
Until you decide to get back to preparing.
"So....I guess I'll see you later?"
"Yeah, sure. Hope your experience's something greater."

With that, Starlight trots off, leaving you be
If you didn't know any better, she seemed a bit lonely.
You hated seeing somepony like that, especially her
So you head to the castle with all the creativity you could muster.

You're not giving up on the mare, not by a long shot
So you spent the night giving your creation everything you got.
Treating the thing with much care like a nurse
You were like the bucking Grinch but in complete reverse.

Locked in your room, you work your crafty magic
Not caring who came, even Pony Saint Nick.
"Buck you Santa Hooves!" you bark in defiance.
"I'll shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!"

The next morning was the very special day
Hearth's Warming is here and you're sleeping away.
Suddenly, a series of loud KNOCKS disturbs your peaceful slumber
Your dragon bro who's close to damaging the doors lumber.

"Wake up Anon! It's Hearth's Warming Day!"
"I'm tired bro, can you please go a- Wait a hay!"
You frantically wobble around, to wrap up your present
"I-I'm coming bro! Just let me put on something decent!"

Some crashing and thrashing later, you finally get dressed
Looking like you've been extremely distressed.
You open the door for your hyped dragon bro
"Come on dude, presents need unwrapping, let's go!"

Downstairs, Spike flaps into the foyer full of glee
Booking it for the bulky presents under a magnificent tree.
Speaking of 'book', a giddy Twilight trots up to you
With a book-shaped gift wrapped in a book-themed paper too.

"Happy Hearth's Warming, Anon!" she squees in delight
"It may not be Guardians, but you'll like alright."
You open the gift with all the time it took
Surprise surprise, it's another mother bucking book.

'Commanders of the Cosmos' the cover did read
About the wacky adventures of a fox and a talking weed.
"Thank you Twi, I appreciate the literature
But have you seen Starlight? I have a present for her."

"She's in her room," she states matter of factly
"But I wouldn't go up there, she's acting kinda erratically."
A minor setback, although your mind panics
There's time to surprise her, despite the antics.

But you have to get her alone for this special occasion
Pray without an interruption to squander your anticipation.
As you go to prepare, there's a low knock at the door
Twily flutters over to greet the girls with gifts and more.

It was too late for you to try and sneak away
For these persistent mares would MAKE sure you stay.
"HEY NONNY," Pinkie shouts. "ARE YOU READY TO SMILE?!?!"
Actually...yeah, you thought this was gonna take awhile.

That evening, you gave out in your dining room chair
After feasting on festive treats by that pink psycho mare.
She really outdid herself with this wonderful spread
But all that sugar's got you wanting to head for bed.

On your way out, you bump into your pony pal
Who looked like she'd been tussling in a corral.
She was a total mess, mane disheveled and wild
Her eyes were bloodshot like she's dealt with a child.

"Oh, hey Anon. Happy Hearth's Warming to you!"
It was also clear that she didn't brush her teeth too.
"Are you okay, pal?" you ask full of worry. "You look like you're in DESPERATE need for a McFlurry."

"I'm fine, Anon," she says. "I am perfectly fine.
I just underslept and completely lost track of time."
"Come on Star, you think you're as slick as silk."
Bullshit! You knew well this pony KNEE SUM MILK!

"Fine, I stayed up making this." she states pulling out a box
It was wrapped in green paper and topped with blue knots.
"Is that for me?" you asked in shock and glee.
"No, it's for Derpy. Of COURSE it's for you, silly!"

This kind mare's gesture has turned your heart to goo
"Let's go," you say. "I've got something too."
You guide her to the library for the big surprise
While shielding the present from her curious eyes.

"I too have a gift for you. I hope you'll like it."
You say covering your arm, hoping she won't strike it.
"It too took me all night to make this for you
I wouldn't say it's my BEST work but I tried for you."

She tears away the wrapping in her magical grip
And pulls off the box's lid as quick as a whip.
She stops with a gasp when she opened the box
And pulls out a kite made of leaves, twigs and rocks.

It wasn't the worst thing ever but it wasn't great either
Your reserve of confidence dissolves by the look of her.

Brace yourself dude, it'll soon pass
For this unicorn mare's about to kick our-

"I love it!" she exclaims, giving the kite a bounce
"It's truly the thought that really counts."

Huh....well that was totally unexpected

Twas true, not a shred of anger on her face was detected.

"You went above and beyond to make me this.
Only a true friend would show this much kindness."
She pulls you into a hug, tight and full of care
Before magically waving your gift in the air.

"Your turn!" she squeaks in absolute excitement
Twas clear that her spirits had indeed brightened.
With a satisfying rip, you unwrap your prize
Unlike Pinkie's parties, this one caught you by surprise.

You were close to covering the room in tearful floods
There, inside the package was a set of brand new ear buds.
"Now we can listen to music together." she says, making you feel as light as a feather.
"How did you make this?" you ask in disbelief.
"Vinyl lended a hoof in it, we kept it brief."

Never have you gotten a gift THIS good
You scratch behind your pal's ear like any friend would.
She leans into your chest, purring as she lays down
Until her eyes widen like she saw Pennywise the clown.

Your heart dropped upon seeing the symbol
That horrible decoration's left you weak and nimble.
It's the one decoration you could live without this holiday
A stray mistletoe on the ceiling, dangling away.

By the time you looked back, you're greeted with a smile
From the unicorn mare whose thoughts were wild.
"Anooooooon." she says in a singsong tone.
"Whaaaaaat?" you respond, afraid for your bone.

Soon, she inches closer, eyes full of desire
That was your cue to call it a night and retire.
"Well, it was fun, thanks for the wonderful gift.
But I have to-"
She pulls you in her magic most swift.

You're right NEXT to Starlight, the biggest grin on her face
You love this mare but even YOU need some bucking space!
You scoot to the left, trying hard to be nice
She scoots over too but WAY more than twice.

"Come on, Anon. You know you can't deny it."
You know you can't outrun her, but you'll sure as hell try it.
However, you're stuffed tummy prevented your daring escape
It's all come down to this, a pony frenching an ape.

She climbs up eye-level with your uncomfortable face
And a peck on the cheek has your heartbeat up the pace.
And what happen then? Well in Ponyville they say
That you're pal's affection grew THREE sizes that day.

"Happy Hearth's Warming, Anon." she chuckles in delight.
You pull her into a hug with a "Happy Hearth's Warming, Starlight."

So, you two listened with the new ear buds that day
Friendship as wide as a one horse open sleigh.
But until the day you have to fly that dreadful kite
Happy Hearth's Warming to all and to all a good night.

Yep, a human has a tender moment with his pony friend
Not much left to tell you all, except-

THE END

Goodnight everypony!

Musical Mayhem: Free Me

"Ha, rolled a five!" you cheer.

It was a normal Friday night in Equestria. Twilight and company were off on another friendship quest, leaving the castle to you and your best friend, Starlight Glimmer. When the egghead's away, the pals will play.......DRAGON PIT.

"I am on FIRE here!" you cackle.

"Don't get cocky now, pal." she snickers. "I've always got a trick or two up my sleeve."

"You don't have sleeves, so I'm calling your bluff."

"Oh YEAH?"

"Let's just try not to built tension this time."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Anon." she scoffs. "What tension?"

The unicorn rolls the dice in her magic, rolling a five. She hops her game piece across the board and lands on a space with a lever next to it. With a devilish grin, Glimmy pulls the lever and drops a sturdy steel cage upon your game piece.

Your eyes widen as a sudden urge deep down inside of you just wanted to burst out and tell this cheeky mare off.

In Equestria, that's a symptom only known as-

A song number.

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

I'mma hoppin' (hoppin'), hoppin' here for days (Ooh)
On the game floor (Uh-huh), no dragon's in the way (Nope)
I take my time with it (Ow), move you close to me (Ow)
Don't want no back space card
That'll buck me over, listen here I know it's hard

I was tryna lay low (Low), takin' it slow (Slow)
When I'm hoppin' again (Ayy)
Gotta celebrate, does your guy look good? 'Bout to put him away
If you can't roll a six now, you will not pass me now
Dinner reservations if I win this, we gon' eat out

I'm gonna roll it, do it just how I like it
Tonight and after that
Let's play it one more time
Girl, I ain't one for ragin', but now you got me ragin'

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Boulders so big, boulders so sharp
Bet it's gonna smack you again
Let me demonstrate
Hit it one time, make it detonate

Pieces out like hi-yah! (Hi-yah!)
Broke pieces watch out now (Watch out)
Your piece's a goner (Goner)
My piece's on fiyah (Oh)

I'm gonna roll it, do it just how I like it
Tonight and after that
Let's play it one more time
Girl, I ain't one for ragin', but now you got me ragin'

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Come on
Come on, back it up for me
Come on
Ooh, have mercy on poor me

Come on
Girl, let me put this lava on you
You better say that (Uh)
Glimmy don't play that (Yeah)
I'mma win like I won these games, so break that

Free me, baby (Uh)
Turn around and release me, baby (Uh, ooh)
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Free me, baby
Turn around and release me, baby
You know I'm the one to take the lead, baby
(What's the magic word?)
Please
(I'm free as a bird)
Jeeeeeeez (Woo)

Suddenly, you find yourself staring at your game piece as the tiny cage rises from over it.

"Well......that was fun." Starlight sighs sheepishly. "See? No tension here."

"I-I guess so." you utter.

"It's a little hot in here, wanna get ice cream?"

"Y-Yeah, let's get outta here."

Nightmare Night

Nightmare night.

The time where foals, Pinkie Pie, stallions, Pinkie Pie, mares and especially Pinkie Pie would creep about the streets of Ponyville, scavenging for candy to sacrifice to the mysterious and dangerous Moonbu- er, Nightmare Moon.

But hey, that's THEIR way of this crazy holiday.

You're doing it YOUR way.

Because of all the mistreatment you've suffered through greatly back on Earth, Halloween was your semi-favorite time of the year because that gave you the freedom to scare the living bajabbers out of everyone who wronged you, and you loved EVERY....single....minute....of it.

And in a world like Equestria, this is REALLY gonna be a fun, scary time.

Right now you're strolling through town towards the Apple Farm for a maze/scavenger hunt. Although in actuality, you're trying to escape Twilight's bombardment of questions about the HUMAN holiday...

Damn ponies.

Along the way, you watch everypony prepare for the bone-chilling event, setting out themed games and bowls of candy placed outside the residents' homes. Soon, you see your ~~first victims~~ friends, the Cutie Mark Crusaders walk by with a box of costumes.

"Perfect." you say to yourself.

You creep over and casually 'bump' into the three. "Hey girls, strange bumping into you. How are ya?"

"Oh, hey Anon." AppleBloom says surprised.

"We're just got our costumes!" Scootaloo states. "What are you up to?"

"Eh, just waiting for the fun to begin. Gotta keep my title, ya know?"

"What 'title'?" Sweetie Belle asks.

"The title of King of Frights!" you say extravagantly.

A second or two pass before the three fillies burst into laughter, shaking their heads in disbelief.

"What? I can be scary."

"No offense Anon, but you couldn't give Spike goosebumps." the pegasus chuckles.

"Big mistake, girls." you think.

While they recover from their hysterics, you reach into your back pocket and grab a silver stone with a glowing, green swirl in the center.

"Yeah yeah, VERY funny. But be warned, it's not nice to laugh at a human." you say in a sinister tone.

As you lend a hand to help Scootaloo up, your fingers suddenly expand and wrap around the filly's hoof until they form a trio of black and white snakes that slink across her body.

"O-Okay. I t-think you made your point across." she stutters in fear.

The snakes slither into your sleeve and transforms back to a hand. Then, you lean in close to the shivering foals.

"Boo."

They jump in surprise and scurry off with their costumes.

"Thank. You. Discord. Long live the king."

You pull out your headphones and head further into town.

Eventually, you stroll by the Carousel Boutique and see a group of foals with their parents leaving the building in 'spoopy' outfits. Almost reminded of your vengeful years as a kid, it was amazing. You'd go Rambo on candy thieves with rotten eggs, pouring scalding hot water and unleash the neighborhood bulldogs on them...

"Geez, I was a twisted kid, wasn't I?"

Yes, yes you were.

But you're 'wonderful' reminiscing is cut short as you arrive at the farm. There, you spot AJ and Big Mac giving out candy to young foals, AJ in a lion costume and Mac, a zom-pony. It never leaves your mind, these ponies look like TOYS in costume.

"Howdy Anon! What brings ya?" AJ greets.

"Just passing by, check up on my ponies. See how the hunt was going."

The farm mare notices your hesitant tone and gives you a quizzical look.

"Those eyebrows..." you thought.

"Twilight?" she asks.

"Eeyup." you utter.

Big Mac frowns.

"So what do ya have planned on this spooky of nights?"

"I'm gonna prove to everypony that I can be scary."

Like the Crusaders, the two chortle in disbelief.

"Y-Ya really are kidder, right Big Mac?"

"Eeyup!" the stallion chuckles.

"Whatever, all of you are gonna learn true fear tonight."

"And how ya gonna do that, exactly?"

"First, I have complete control of Twi's castle tonight and plan to-"

"Now just hold your horseshoes." she stops you. "Ya managed to borrow the whole castle?"

"It took some persuasion..."

Last week
"Can I borrow the castle, Twi?"
"Nope." Egghead says.

Three days ago
"Pretty please?"
"Eenope."

Yesterday
"Pretty please with a cherry on top and free belly rubs for a week?"
"Deal."

Present
"Ugh, Starlight's not going to like it though." you thought. "But, I assure you, cutie marks WILL be scared off."

"Oh REALLY?"

You look up to see your arch-enemy/rival/friend/bro descend on the farm, cockily crossing her hooves. "Yeah, I'll know it when I see it."

So badly.

You wanted to wipe that smug look off that cocky pegasus' face SO badly, but decided to save her for last. "Oh, me and the guys have something special for you, Dashie."

"Oh, I'm shaking in my FLUFFY bunny slippers." she mocks.

"How dare she remind you of your furry misadventures?!"

The Piss-O-Meter has reached the highest level of pissitity as you dash to prepare things.

"Okay, there should be a cauldron THERE, and a bottle of potion THERE-"

Back at the castle, you're adding the finishing touches to your monsterpiece with the chaotic stone in your room.

"Uhh, Anon?"

You pause in your frantic pacing and see your dragon bro in his Garbunkle outfit.

"Yes, perfect! That's JUST this theme."

In a flash, the room turns into a theme reminiscent to Ogres and Oubliettes.

"Woah, how'd ya do that Anon?!" the dragon asks.

"Eh, just a little faith, trust-"

"ANd a TINY b1t oF Ch40s!"

Suddenly, Discord slinks out the back of your shirt in his Captain Wuzz persona.

"I knew YOU had something to do with this, Discord."

"0h, JuZt be<au5e it'S oUt of the 0Rd1NarY, I'M reSp0n5iblE?"

"Pretty much." you and Spike shrug.

The shocked chaotic spirit crosses his hybrid arms and nods in appreciation. "I'vE tAugHt y0u tW0 v3ry wELL."

"Now," you say. "let's get down to business."

As you three continue your work, the little dragon looks out the window. Whatever was out there shook his nerves.

"Spike, what's the matter br- Oooh, that's a lot."

The girls weren't kidding when they said RD's good at spreading news fast because practically HALF, if not more, of the residents in Ponyville, including the students of the school of friendship are approaching the castle in costume. Amidst the crowd, you notice Dashie in her Shadowbolt outfit with a devilish grin on her face. All those potential victims coming all at once sends you into a hyperventilating fit. But then, a bitch slap across the face by the tail of a disappointed draconequus brings you back to reality.

"I cAn't beLieVe wh4t I'm sEe1ng H3re!" he exclaims. "Wh0'z the V!ce K1ng of Fr/gHts?

"I told you, we're co-owning that title as king." you huff.

"0h, wH4teVer. Wh0'z the C0-K1ng of Fr/gHts?"

"Mmm...I am." you mutter stubbornly.

"I can't hear you!" Spike yells.

"I am."

"L0UD3R!!!" Discord's voice booms.

"I AM!" you bark. You clutch the chaos stone in your hand with all your might, emitting a sinister green, glowing mist in your palm. "Let's do this."

Suddenly the mist explodes, spreading throughout every square inch of the castle, transforming it into a chain-covered, trap-filled, spiky metal-toting dungeon of destruction. The drastic change amazes the crowd as they make it to the stairs.

There, you appear in front of the doors in a puff of smoke, wearing a black cape. "Welcome everyone, to the Castle. Of. CHAOS!!!" you bellow dramatically.

Everyone ooh'd or ahh'd at the display.

Except Rainbow, of course.

"Yeah, yeah we get it." she says dismissively. "Let's see what 'horrors' you've got in store for us."

"Of course." you say. "Inside is a castle filled with some pretty scary surprises."

Pinkie squees in delight.

"Your mission: save the princess. Simple as that, really."

"Pssh, I'll beat this in a snap." Rainbow scoffs as she gets in a running position. "Watch and learn folks, this'll be easy as-"

She's cut off as a spring in the ground sends her flying sky high, screaming. The shocked expression on the crowd's faces said it all: You had them.

"Is everyone ready?" you ask.

"U-Um, actually I have a thing to do...somewhere." Scootaloo squeaks.

"Y-Yeah, same here." Sweetie Belle stutters.

"Too late." you snap your fingers and an army of thick vines crawl out of the ground, forcing everyone inside. The door locks tight behind them as you teleport back to your room.

"You all said I'm not scary. Now, let the fun begin."

Discord opens up a plethora of portals that observe every room in the castle a lá FNAF. You poof in a mic. "What are you waiting for?" your voice echoes. "Go save the princess!"

Everyone hesitantly explores the area, splitting up into teams. You see Snips, Snails and Button Mash searching the kitchen, possibly looking for candy. As they near a pot in the sink, a flick of the stone brings the grimy kitchenware to life, soaking the three in Mr. Tidy's dish soap and scaring them off. Your mischievous act earns a sarcastic clap from the draconequus. "H0w adeQu4tely aMus1ng. MY tUrn!"

Another portal floats into view, showing Sandbar, Ocellus and the others scavenging through the library. With a snap of his eagle talon, Discord creates a flock of book-bats that swarm the group, forcing them to flee.

"Mm, yeah that was impressive, I guess," you say. "but...these are my traps."

You slam the stone into the wall causing every room to activate their traps, ensnaring, scaring and tearing away at the frightened patrons, who rush out the castle with their tails literally between their legs.

"Wel1 pl4yed."

Then, Twilight comes into view of the portal to the foyer.

"Alright boys, you've had your fun. Now can you turn the castle back?" she asked.

"I promised I'd scare everyone!" your voice echoes.

Soon, a pile of books fall in front of the alicorn and bursts into flames, shocking the distraught mare who gallops away in horror.

"Woah, that must've been terrifying." Spike says astounded. "Well, for Twilight that is."

"Well guys, I think we've outdone ourselves tonight. Consider this night a-"

Suddenly, a colorful blur zooms past the hall in the portal.

"What was that?!" Spike exclaims.

The blur flies into room after room, dodging or destroying your terror traps with ease. It reaches the living room and effortlessy ties up a tentacle monster in a cauldron. The blur stops, giving you three a good look at it.

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, ANON!"

It was Rainbow.

"Oh buck, she's back!" you hiss. "Discord, tag team?"

Discord's eyes widen. "I hAve aN !deA." he says sadistically.

As he whispers in your ear, an evil smirk takes over your face. "Discord, I like the way you think."

"I tRy."

With a wave of the stone, you teleport to Rainbow's location.

"So, you made it this far."

"Ha! Your 'surprises' didn't couldn't make Fluttershy flinch." she mocks. "You might as well give up."

A tiny Discord appears behind your ear. "D0 !t." he says with malice.

"Ya know what, you're right." you admit. "You zoomed through the place like it was nothing. Maybe you should REFLECT on that."

You pull out a tall mirror and hold it up to the pegasus.

"I do look awesome, as usual."

As she makes flexing poses in the mirror, her entire facial features in it morphs into one that closely resembles an actual pony with makeup. "Ugh, w-what kind of mirror is this?" she winces, examining her face.

"Rainbow Dash always dresses in style." you hum.

"W-Who told you that?! It's not true, I said that was behind me!"

The nervous mare attempts to run for it only to bump into Spike, who's holding an identical mirror. No matter where she turned, she'd still see her horrific form. As she prepares to buck the glass to shards, Discord poofs the tightest, frilliest dress in all ponykind and tops it off with patches of singing, dancing flowers with flutes. RD freaks out trying to tear it off as the three of you watch in amusement.

Eventually, she collapses before you, exhausted.

"Who's scary now?" you ask smugly.

"Y-You are." she sighs in defeat.

"And don't you forget it."

You give her the Beetlecider face, scaring the cutie marks off of her as she dashes out of the castle screaming and trailing glitter. It was fistbumps all around for all that night among guys.

"Heh, we got her good, bro!" Spike chuckles.

"TrUly a w0rK oF Art." Discord inflates to his normal size.

"A shame no one rescued Schmarity." you shrug. "Guess she's stuck there."

Spike's eyes skyrocketed.

"Wait, RARITY is the princess?! You mind if I try it?!"

Before you could react, he's already off, down the hallway.

You open a portal to observe the dragon's skills. He didn't disappoint as he progresses from room to room until he reaches his prize. There, on a pile of bits is the cloaked princess. 'Garbunkle' trudges towards the princess and carries her in his arms.

"What are you waiting for bro, kiss her!" you goaded.

Her knight in scaly armor removes the sparkling veil and he stares into her glistening, cross-eyed yellow eyes.

"Hiiii Spiiiike!"

"Aaaaaah!"

You and Discord laugh your tails off as the goofy pegasus chases the screaming dragon around the room, lips puckered.

"Happy Nightmare Night, sucka!"

Author's Note

Happy Halloween/Nightmare Night everypony.

Musical Mayhem: Sandwiches

"Guys! GUYS!!!"

"What is it, Spike?" you groan. "It's bro's chillaxing time, right Big Mac?"

"Eeyup."

"But guys, it's important!"

"Really? What could possibly be more important than chillax-"

"Hay Burger Deluxe is in town!"

You and BM's eyes jet open.

"Where is it?" you ask.

"A-About north of Ponyville."

"What kind?"

"Lettuce, cheese and MORE cheese with triple stacks of hay bacon. They call it the 'Haycon Hancho'."

"Must....resist.....currently......on diet.....BUCK IT!"

You pick up the slobbering dragon and rest him on your shoulders.

"Don't worry. We will stop at nothing to satisfy our courageous comrade, right Big Mac?"

"Eeeeyup!" the salivating stallion grunts.

"At daybreak, WE FEAST!"

"HUZZAH!!!" you all bark.

What do you expect from filthy little veggies
They're tasteless compared to things on the grill
So screw that stupid diet, you know we can't deny it
And then we'll all be fed with some biiig

Sandwiches, sandwiches
Barely even nasty
Sandwiches, sandwiches
Buy out the friggin' store!
They're made for you and me, which means they'll be delicious
Then we'll buy us all some moooore

They're sandwiches, sandwiches-
"Wait! I left my bit bag!"
Spike'll buy us all some mooooore

You three travel through Ponyville in search of the fabled stand.

That was what I feared, the carrot is a demon
Only gives the nutrients we need
Behind the gross orange hide, there's emptiness inside
I wonder if they have some weed wheat, there

Sandwiches, sandwiches
Barely even nasty
Sandwiches, sandwiches
I'll buy one at the door
I want mine with some ketchup, I want mine with some mayo
Then we'll buy us all some moooore

They're sandwiches, sandwiches
Golden greasy goodness
Then we'll still buy us some mooooore

Sandwiches, sandwiches
"Let's go buy a few, men!"
Sandwiches, sandwiches
"It's all up to you, men!"
Sandwiches, sandwiches
"Delicious for a 'hyewmun'!"
Now we'll buy us all some mooooooooooooooooooooooooore

"That was a pretty catchy song you guys, but....are ya gonna order something."

You three snap out of your Broadway trance to face a waiting stallion at a Hay Burger Deluxe stand.

"Yeah, we'll take three Haycon Hanchos, please." you utter.

"God, we're really dramatic, aren't we?" you thought.

Author's Note

A perfect pony parody.