I'm Not Okay...

by Z-A-C

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2172

I've been here for years. All I do fails and nopony wants me...

I've been awake for too long, with my thoughts spiraling downwards. I've been in this world for so long and nothing has gone as planned. My subjects don't want me.

Why don't they want me?

I'm not okay...

(Self insert. Set in the What Really Happen/Why Am I Here Again... series, but sometime in the future.)
(Also kinda serves as an explanation as to why I haven't updated W.A.I.H.A...)

Published 2018-10-18 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-18 02:20:01 UTC

In A Dark Place

It's been years since I've gotten here. I haven't counted them, there's no point. It's gotten to the point now where all the days just kind of... seem to melt together. My life here is just the same as it would be on earth, except my job is different. In all honesty I really don't need to work. I just don't want to be bored, not that my job really helps with that. I've moved to Canterlot a few years ago, and now I live at the castle. What's my job? Royalty. I am something that this country has never seen before, a prince. Well, a human prince atleast. Luna and I have been married for a few years now, and it's been great, but it's not done anything to help with my depression or other mental issues. It's staved them off for a while, I will say that much. A couple years at most. But other than it, every day has been ups and downs, but I guess it's just how it is sometimes. Manic depression(or whatever mine is) is no fun, and it's hard to deal with. Luna has found ways to help me, but none of them have lasted very long, regretfully. My title is one of her attempts, she even let me pick the name. Unfortunately though, I'm not a very smart person, so I didn't pick a very good one. "The Unstable Prince" I decided to call myself. I didn't think of the repercussions that title would have... Who would have their problems listen to by someone with the title or name "unstable" anything? Honestly it was supposed to be a joke, but I guess I'm the only one that found it funny. I can't change it either, it's official. It's on a document and everything... Anyway I am thankful for her efforts however. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, it just didn't help for long. I used to take over for Luna at night court, but when the ponies realized that it was me… They turned around or just simply don't show up. I asked a pony why that was the case, she said it's because I'm not from this world so I couldn't possibly understand their problems. I just simply nodded, thanked her for her time, and walked away. An unforeseen plus side of this however is I'm the one that the ponies are intimidated by or afraid of instead of Luna. When I said "plus side", I really meant for her... So now I just let her do night court, while I mainly stay in our room. I write music at least, though none of the composers here in Cantorlot accept any of my pieces, one of the onlyreviews that I've gotten said that it's too sad. All I could do is shrug, what's the point in getting mad and furthering their distaste for me? Did it make me mad? Well, of course, but why send an angry letter? So now all I do is write music just to occupy my time because I have nothing else to do. My friends, The Elements, are always busy with their thing, and when they're not I'm usually too depressed to even get out of my room, let alone the bed. I still have magic, but I kind of reached a plateau. I used to have a goal of being at the same level as Luna and Celestia, but I'm still miles away from them. Which, as you can imagine, has furthered my depression and so now all I do is write music. Even though there's no reason for it…

Did you know there's five record labels here? And not one of them has signed me. I keep trying, but to no avail. I want to, but I make it a point to not give up on music, if I don't have music there what else do I have? Another reason I don't do magic anymore, is because I invented a self destruct spell. Somehow Luna was able to sense it and stop me from activating it. That was a lovely conversation...

Anyway, that was the only one suicide spell that I constructed there's about nine more. I can still use magic, but I promised I wouldn't while alone. Which I guess is fine because most of them are weaponized anyway and the fact that... well yeah. I made a spell that's similar to the Sharingan from Naruto then there is one that similar to force lightning, blood bending, and one that's inspired by the apocalypse. So it's not hard to see why am not allowed to use magic alone. What am I doing now? Now, I am currently staring at the myriad of instruments that I have hanging on the wall. Most are collectibles, I can only play a few of them. I mostly stick to the bass guitars. There's also a drum set the corner of the room, which I hardly play because I'm usually up during the night with Luna, and I don't want to wake anypony up. It's daytime now by the way, and I'm sitting at the edge of the bed. Luna's behind me sleeping. As I was scanning the wall of instruments, my eyes came across the prototype bass guitar that I built. It was for my guitar company... that never launched. You see, electronic music is becoming increasingly popular, and nopony here, at least, was interested in an actual, physical instrument. Luna suggested I try somewhere like Ponyville, but that rejection just killed the enthusiasm. I glared, and levitated the bass towards me. I grab the strings, and pulled as hard as I could, breaking all of them. I felt pain, and saw blood dripping down on the floor. I laughed and grabbed the neck, and broke it. I threw the broken bass onto the floor and then use a spell to the set it on fire, breaking my promise not to use magic. It wasn't the first time. I sat there just watching it burn, until I heard stirring behind me and it was extinguished. The burning wood or the noise must've woken her up.

Luna noticed the missing bass guitar. "Why did you destroy my favorite guitar?" She asked in a sad and concerned tone.

"Failures are meant to be burned." I replied. I pointed at the stack of tablature I've written. "I'd burn those god damned things too, if there wasn't so much progress to be lost..."

She repositioned herself next to me. "Are you implying that you're a failure, my dear?" She asked.

"There's nothing to imply here, it's a fact." I said flatly. "Everything I've done ends in failure."

She shook her head. "That's not true. The prosthetics were a success." She said, trying to cheer me up.

I nodded my head grimly. "They were. But then the pony I entrusted the designs with, sold them to a company that jacked the price up a hundred percent!" I yelled. "Thus, it ended in failure. I should never have trust that greedy fuck." I said as I levitated my custom made 15-string bass over. "All because I thought I could pursue a career in music." I sneered as I threw through the door to the balcony. It hit the railing, but ended up falling off the balcony anyways. I looked at the wall of instruments again, and briefly thought about torching them all. I shook my head, stood up, and started pacing back and forth.

Luna tried to think of something else. "You're successful at spell crafting." She said with hope in her voice.

I stopped and glared at her. "And yet, all of my spells are outlawed. And don't say anything else about my magic. I have failed at it as far as I'm concerned!"

She sat up. "How, my love? You are an immensely powerful mage!"

I laughed. "Even though I'm still nowhere close to you, regardless of the fact that we share DNA?" I scoffed. "What ever..." I began pacing again. "Everything I do fails." I stopped to kick the charred remains of the prototype bass. "Like being royalty." She stayed silent, but raised an eyebrow "Your subjects don't want me!" I said with a tringe of hurt in my voice. "They think that because I'm from a different world, I can't understand the problems of this one!" I grabbed another instrument in my magic, and tore it to splinters. Luna recoiled. "HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN A CITIZEN OF THIS 'GLORIOUS' COUNTRY?! THIS PRETEND PEACEFUL SOCIETY?!" I roared, causing the windows to rattle.

Luna closed her eyes, and turned her head. She considered answering, but said nothing as a tear fell.

Seeing this, and knowing I was the cause, made me hate myself even more than I already do. So I grabbed a piece of wood, and stabbed myself in the leg with it. I pulled it out and noticed Luna's magic aura surrounding the wound. I grunted in frustration and casted a magic disruption spell. In place of her healing spell, I casted a fire spell to cauterize and seal it. You could smell the burnt flesh. "I didn't even want the position in the first place." I continued, trying to ignore the pain. "My only intent was to be with the one I love and care about. Not some superficial title..." Luna looked at me. I could see the pain in her eyes. I sighed, sat next to her, and closed my eyes for a couple of minutes. "Why don't they want me?" I asked. "What did I do? I accepted this position because I saw an opportunity to help them. What have I done to earn this behavior towards me?" Luna nuzzled my cheek. I shook my head, and stood up in response. "It doesn't matter." I said with a eerie calmness. I fireball materialized.

"Zane?" Luna said cautiously. "What are you doing?"

"Like I said, failures are meant to be burned." But before I was able to cast the spell, Luna disrupted it. And half a second after that she wrapped her wings and forelegs tightly around me. At first, I got angry. I tried to get out of the embrace, but she wasn't having it. "God damn it." Tears started to fall. "God damn it!" I started crying. "Why?!"

She loosened the embrace just enough so that she could look at me. "Why what?"

"Why won't anyone allow me to do what I want? All I want to do is fucking sleep! That's all, but no one will let me!" I shoved her away. "That's the only way I'll find salvation! That's the only way this pain will stop!" She sat down, shocked that I actually, physically pushed her away. "Do you know how exhausting is it to be me? The multiple personalities, the depression, the anxiety, the constant ringing in my ears!" I yelled. "Do you know how tiring it is? All I want is for it to all stop!" I began crying again. "I just want to die..." I said with a sob. All I could do at this point is fall to my knees. I was mad, I was sad, I was... a mess. This is the first time Luna has seen me like this. Well, this bad at least. I want to look at her but I can't bring myself to. I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. "I just want relief from this broken mind..." I conjured a revolver in my right hand, and pointed it at my head. The hammer went back and...

Luna distrupted the spell and I felt forelegs wrap around me tightly as i dropped my arm to my said, defeated. "I had no idea you were suffering so much." She said with tears falling. "Why haven't you talked to me about this?"

I shrugged. "There's nothing anyone can do." I said in a monotonous voice. "Why bother anypony when they can't do anything to help. There's no point."

She looked like she wanted to say something, but sighed. "I'm sorry that I can't do anything..." I just shrugged. "Maybe some rest will ease your mind?" She said as she broke the embrace.

I shook my head. "Doubtful."

She looked at the floor with a sad expression, and walked over to the bed. Turning around before she stepped up. "Please come to bed?"

I glanced over at the charred remains of the prototype bass, and sighed. Nodding my head as I stood up, levitating them to the trash can by my desk. Walking to the bed with a look of regret on my face. Why did I do that?... I felt Luna nuzzle my cheek as I sat down. Silently laying down next to her, I stare blankly at the ceiling. It took an hour for me to fall asleep.

Author's Note

Probably the realist thing I've written yet. Yeah, the multiple personalities aren't just a plot point...