“C’mon, Applejack! You’re not afraid of losing are you!?”
“No, but I’m busy! I don’t have time to throw cans around.”
“But we’re not just throwing cans around, we’re seeing who can knock over the most bottles! Spoiler alert: it’s me.”
The orange mare let out a weighted sigh and let down the apple cart she was pulling.
“Why’s everythin’ gotta be a competition with you, Rainbow Dash? Heck - next you’ll be wantin’ to see who can blow the most flies off their backside with a fart!” Applejack snickered at the crude remark, starting to wash the apples in a large bucket of water.
“Hey... that’s not such a bad idea! I used to do fart contests when I was a filly all the time, and I always won!”
“I was just jokin’, Rainbow Dash.” She rolled her eyes. “But even if we were to do that, I’d win hoofs down. I’m a four-time Apple Family Tootin’ Tournament winner!”
“That’s.. a thing you do?” Rainbow Dash lowered herself to the ground, looking perplexedly at the earth pony.
“Passes a little time at family gatherings - and a little gas.” She chuckled to herself again.
“Well... well - I could beat you any day! I’ve been dubbed the mare with the noisiest rump in the wonderbolt locker rooms!”
Applejack looked over her shoulder, and sighed. “You really wanna do this?”
The cyan Pegasus nodded enthusiastically.
“Aw, what the hay. I guess I was plannin’ on takin’ a break pretty soon anyways.”
“Yes! Prepare to go down, Applejack!”
“If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do it right. There’s four established ways to measure how good or bad a fart is: length, volume, wetness and stench.”
“But what if we tie?”
“Well, if that does happen, we’ll have to think of a tiebreaker.”
“Ok, you’re on!”
The mares spat in their respective hooves, joining them together for an unhygienic hoofshake to mark the start of an
unhygienic tournament.
“You want us to what?” Twilight looked to Starlight, then back at Rainbow Dash.
“Help judge our fart contest.”
“Fart.. contest?”
“Don’t be a prude, Twilight! You know what a fart contest is!”
“How am I supposed to judge it?”
Applejack stepped forward. “Well, for the first category of this here tournament we need to time our, Uh, ‘emmissions’ and the longest one wins. You’ve probably got some scientific doo-dah, right?”
“Um... you can’t just use a stopwatch?”
“Exactly! I knew your egghead brain would come through!” Dash patted twilight on the back - a little more enthusiastically than she would have liked.
“Well then why am I here?” Starlight interjected.
“Well, you can, y’know, mediate things. Keep score or something.”
The unicorn muttered under her breath. “I could still be in bed right now, you know?”
“Let’s just get this over with.” Twilight rummaged around in her satchel for the stopwatch she fortunately always kept on hoof.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“I go first!” Rainbow hovered back over to Applejack.
“Still not too late to admit defeat and avoid the humiliation.” Applejack sneered. She couldn’t deny how much she enjoyed a good competitive streak.
“Not. A. Chance. Sounds to me like you’re just trying to call it off so you don’t get humiliated!”
Starlight spoke up. “If it’s any consolation, what you’re both doing is pretty humiliating already.”
“Get that stopwatch ready, Twilight, this rump is about to go nuclear!” The pegasus gave said rump a quick wiggle before bringing her chest down to the ground, her ass sticking upwards towards the other three, exposing a little more than she should be.
After a few seconds of quiet grunting, the unmistakable sound of flatulence blasted out from beneath Rainbow’s tail. It wasn’t particularly loud, or powerful, but it did ramble on, albeit quietly.
Twilight kept an eye on the stopwatch, stepping back slightly to try and distance herself from the blast zone as much as possible.
Prrrrrrrrrbbbrrrrrrbbrrrrrrppbbbrrrttt~~
The pattering sound of Rainbow Dash’s ass blast (or ass whimper) died down into a quick hiss.
“Ah~! How long was that!?”
“Uh... thirteen seconds.”
“Didn’t sound all too impressive.” Applejack scoffed teasingly.
“Well, good thing that’s not the subject of this round then, isn’t it?” Rainbow Dash walked past the orange earth pony, using her tail to flick some of the lingering scent towards her.
“Lemme show y’all how we do it properly” Applejack shot her fellow competitor a quick chaffing glance.
“Okay. Ready when you are.” Twilight reluctantly got the stopwatch ready, as Starlight quickly scribbled down a rough ‘13’ next to Rainbow Dash’s name.
“Watch an’ learn!” The pony muttered in her southern drawl, leaning up over a fence and making sure her butt stuck out as much as it could.
FRRRAAAAAAPPBbrrrrrrrppssllttpssslllttpbbpbpppprrrrrrschllllrrrp...
The loud, aggressive ripping sound came suddenly from the large orange posterior, maintaining its volume as it thundered on and on: bubbly, wet, and certainly not fitting for a mare.
Twilight and Starlight, slightly in disbelief, watched the seconds pass by, the flatulence seemingly undying.
After what felt like quite a while, it suddenly stopped.
“Ahh! Refreshing!” Applejack chuckled. “Coulda kept that comin’ a little longer, but I wanted to give you a sportin’ chance.” She teased the now slightly ruffled pegasus with a wink.
“No fair! You probably cheated somehow!”
“Nope! All natural Apple family flatus, my friend! Anyways, what was my time, Twilight?”
“Um... thirty-two seconds...”
“Woo hoo!”
“That’s a lot of bull!” Rainbow Dash frustratedly crossed her arms.
“Nope. 100% mare!” The farm pony joked back.
“Well, you won that round. Clearly. Can I go now? This is degrading.”
“Oh, sure, sure..” Applejack paused suddenly, nostrils flared.
“Ugh! Jeez! That one was a stinker!” She giggled as she used her hat to disturb the air around her and fan the smell away slightly.
“Pssh. It’s not that bad!” Rainbow Dash’s voice cracked slightly as soon as she said this, the thick odor hitting her and making itself comfortable in her nostrils.
It was like a disgustingly earthy scent, with an aroma not unlike boiled cabbage and manure. It was foul, but not enough to put Dash off.
“Anyway! Next round!”
“Do I really have to stay?” Starlight groaned.
“Next up is volume. Think you can handle that, Pinkie?”
“Oh, boy, can I? I’m honored you thought of me, girls! You know, I would join in, but judging a fart contest is just as fun!”
“You ain’t afraid to rip a few from time to time either?” Applejack smirked.
“Course not! It’s a natural function after all, and it’s really fun when you put confetti up your ass and blast it all over the place!! It makes a really good substitute when the confetti canon is broken!”
“Um... okay. Anyway, How about you go first, Rainbow Dash?”
“Gladly!”
The Pegasus strutted forward with an air of pride which maybe didn’t match her track record so far, her wings flicking into Applejack’s faces.
“How are you gonna measure this, Pinkie?” Applejack interjected.
“With party blowers, of course!”
“...of course.”
The pink pony ecstatically produced two small plastic noisemakers, a little plastic mouthpiece on one end and deflated plastic streamers on the other.
“How’s that gonna work?” Rainbow Dash and Applejack shared a glance.
“Trust me! I do it all the time! In fact - I’ve got one in place as we speak!”
Pinkie turned herself around so the other two ponies could see the small glittery party maker firmly stuffed into her plothole.
“Right. Well, I guess it does the job.”
Rainbow Dash grabbed a party blower from Pinkie, pausing for just a second before awkwardly shoving it in place.
“Is every pony in this town disgusting!?” Starlight rolled her eyes.
“Okay. Here we go!”
The Pegasus once again found a position that seemed to be suitable; her back legs spread slightly and her rump pushed upwards and outwards.
~~Preeeeeerrrruuuppppppp~~
The noisemaker fluttered enthusiastically, turning the sound of flatulence into a shrill buzz.
“Hmm. Clear tone. Decent length. Not bad, Dashie! Not bad at all!”
“Yess!!” Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof in the air.
“Beat that, Appleflak!!”
“Uh.. what’s that even supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know. It sounded cooler in my head.”
“Right.” The earth pony scoffed, fitting her own party blower in place.
In less than a few seconds, the blower puffed up, fully erect and at capacity. There was a dampened blowing sound.
BANG
Pinkie, Starlight and Rainbow Dash jumped back as the noisemaker burst against the sheer strength of the fart.
“Uh. Whoops.” Applejack chuckled.
“Holy E Coli, Applejack!”
“Sorry. Kinda ruined yer little blower thing, huh?”
“Oh, no need to apologise! That was awesome!”
Rainbow Dash bore a sharp toothy grimace.
“She probably pumped herself full of air or something.”
“Nope. All natural!” She patted the ass which had won both rounds so far.
Starlight interrupted. “Point goes to Applejack. Sorry, Rainbow Dash. She won fair and square!”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen a fart that powerful before! Whoa!! I mean, one time I did manage to blow a paper cup off a table with my own toots, but that was impressive!” Pinkie applauded.
“Grr. She’s just... getting lucky. The next round is wetness, and I know I’m winning that one!”
“I hope you girls realize this isn’t any kind of endorsement into... whatever it is you’re doing, but it does give me an opportunity to test the durability of this new fabric I’ve been working with... albeit rather crassly.” Rarity gazed at the ponies with a perplexed expression. She could never have them knowing about her secret desires, nor about what the true use of these pieces of fabric would be once she was in the privacy of her own home.
Two patches of fabric had been set up against the wooden fence. Both ponies would fart onto one, and see which caused the most damage.
“This one I’ve got in the bag!” Rainbow Dash cackled.
“Don’t get too cocky there, Rainbow. Ya haven’t got such a great track record so far.”
The ponies both backed up against their respective squares of fabric, making sure their plotholes were firmly pressed against them.
“When do you want us to start?” Applejack looked over to the ivory unicorn.
“Oh. I don’t know. Whenever. I’ll be over here doing my best to pretend this isn’t happening.”
“Alrighty... go!” Applejack announced suddenly, tensing her abdomen and letting fly with an immediately juicy-sounding ripper.
Rainbow Dash followed shortly after, her fart not as loud, but definitely wet. While her opponent’s was more loud and violently bubbly, Rainbow’s was more muted and sputtery.
After a few seconds, the quieter sound of RD’s flatus dribbled out and stopped, while Applejack’s maintained the same hefty volume.
She left it for a few more seconds, and then cut it off too. If she had wanted, she could have kept it going for longer. Much longer.
“Alright... erm... I suppose you both ought to step away from the fabric... let me just fit my respirator..” Rarity cautiously eased towards the fence posts, close enough to see the condition of both pieces of cloth, but still far enough that she didn’t need to get too close to the stench... not yet, at least.
There was a dark, wet patch on Rainbow Dash’s cloth, while Applejacks’s was almost soaked, practically dripping.
“Did I really do that?” Applejack would have blushed if she was even slightly ashamed.
“Oh, come on!! This isn’t fair! There’s no way I’m gonna win this thing now!” The Pegasus huffed.
“Tell ya what. Whoever wins the final round wins. How about that? Puts us on equal footing.”
“Hmm. Yeah, okay. I can definitely beat you in smell!”
“Then it’s on!”
“Where are all the birds with sprained wings?” Fluttershy obliviously examined the small cleaning.
“Truth is, there’s no birds. We need you for something else.”
“Oh... what is it?”
“We need you to help judge our fart contest!” Rainbow Dash announced loudly.
“Wh-what?” The yellow pegasus’ eyes widened to about two times the size, shocked by the mere concept of such a thing.
Applejack tried to explain a little clearer. “We’re on the last leg of this little tootin’ competition me and Rainbow are havin’, and we need you to smell botha our farts to see who wins.”
“Oh, gee, that sounds like a lot of responsibility.”
“C’mon, Fluttershy! You can do it! Just gotta stick your sniffer against our butts and sample our stinky farts!”
“Uhm. I dunno. I have a kinda sensitive sense of smell...”
“Perfect!” Rainbow Dash grabbed the timorous pony and dragged her into position sat against the fence.
“I’ll go first!”
“I’m still not so sure about-“
But before Fluttershy could finish her sentence, she was silenced by the sweaty blue rump pressed firmly against her face. She let out a quick squeal.
With a hearty grunt Rainbow Dash put all her energy into making sure her last fart would be her best, and hopefully her stinkiest.
It wasn’t very loud, but didn’t need to be; it was raspy and slightly wet, reverberating against Fluttershy’s head like a purring, idling engine. The disgust and fear only increased in the pink-maned eyes as they peered over the large butt.
Rainbow Dash cut the fart off and pulled herself away, letting out a loud and satisfactory sigh.
“Oh, that was awful!” Fluttershy padded at her muzzle, shaking her head and trying to cough the sulfuric smell out of her system.
“Hear that, Applejack? Awful!”
Starlight gave Rainbow Dash an arbitrary number.
“Mine’s gonna be so bad there won’t even be a word to describe it!” Applejack boasted, stepping over to the horrified Fluttershy and getting into position.
“Just... don’t make it... too long, okay?”
Fluttershy’s quiet protests were muted by the huge, sweaty orange rump that was suddenly rested against her muzzle.
“Fire in the hole!” Applejack announced, one leg cocking up like an overhydrated dog as a deep, muffled bubbler of a fart expelled from her in a dense wave.
Fluttershy seemed to start struggling almost immediately, the smell was like a bucketful of hot, rancid manure with an undertone of spoiled apples.
Applejack bit her lip and pushed her ass backwards a little more, altering the tone of this disgustingly wet rippling fart slightly, and only making the gas enter Fluttershy’s nose even more.
The struggles intensified, until after a good fifteen seconds of solid, steadfast flatulence, they stopped; the yellow pegasus’ head flopped lifelessly forward against Applejack’s butt. She was unconscious.
“Uhh, Applejack..” Rainbow Dash prodded her competitor on the shoulder. Her sense of competition had subsided slightly at the worry for Fluttershy’s health.
“Ah - Whoopsie!” The earth pony pulled herself away and allowed Fluttershy to collapse like a ragdoll.
“Little too close, huh.” She snickered.
“Seems like we’ve got a clear winner.”
“You-!! No way-!! I-!!” As much as Rainbow Dash tried to come up with some kind of argument or accusation of foul play, she couldn’t. She was truly speechless.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got some horse apples to go deposit before I get back to work.” Applejack proudly marched past Rainbow Dash, sending one last pungent fart her way.
“Ugh. Whatever. It’s not like I wanted to win anyway!”
“Great. Can I go now? I’ve got like, actual work to be doing.” Starlight threw the clipboard to the ground, both disgusted and pissed off.
“You two are beyond gross.”