Chapters That afternoon, you finish your shift with a completely conflicted mind. It was like an intense cut of Inside Out in there. The whole day, you've spent all that time contemplating about your...interests, listening to 'Alone Again' on loop. There were a few close calls with the girls and your sulking. To them, if there's ANY resemblance of a frown EVER, they'll be on your ass faster than Dashie ever could.
Damn ponies and there understandably meddlesome concerns, and their kind nature...
And that beautiful unicorn's cute giggles...
You curse your wandering mind and plop your head on the wall after putting the cleaning gear away. Eventually, Spike comes casually flying down the hallway.
"Hey bro! What are ya-" He notices you banging your head against the wall. "Ugh, choked again, eh?"
You nod against the wall.
"It probably wouldn't have worked out. She's a student of the princess of friendship, and I'm just..."
"A really great friend that any mare would go out with?" he inserts.
"Now's not the time for jokes, Spikey!"
The baby dragon rolls his eyes.
"George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again." you whimper.
"Who's that?" he asks.
"Google it."
"What's that?"
You sigh and continue bashing your skull in.
"Aw, come on now. Let's get outta here, take your mind off of things."
You don't budge.
Tired of your shit, Spike yanks you by the arm, dragging you down the hall. "You know, patience runs VERY deep in us dragons." he states. "But not THAT deep. Let's go, I know a place."
"I'm sure you do." you groan.
Sometime later...
Who knew that seizure-inducing multicolored equines could flood your mind with an ocean of stressful stress. Right now, your poor brain cells are taking their own lives one by one, approximately about 156 casualties.
*POP*
Make that 157.
"We're almost there, bud." Spike assures. "The ice cream shop will cheer you up."
The little dragon sees you sulking on a nearby bench.
"Come on, Anon. Stop being so dramatic."
"I am in a glass case of EMOTION right now bro. I'm not really in the mood for-"
"Oh, hi Lyra! How are you?"
You jump out of your indecisive state and off the bench as you sprint down the street. There was no way in hell you'd let that equine kook crash your pity party. Looking back, however, you notice your cheeky dragon bro has trolled you good. Before you could react to the trick, you collide into a lamppost with a sickening SLAM. Tiny lyres fly around your head as you come to.
"Woah, that was a pretty gnarly collision, man." a voice groans in surprise. "Are you alright compadre?"
"I-I'm fine." you wince, rubbing your forehead. "Just having a stressful day, that's all."
Your vision clears and you find yourself facing a stallion with a light-grayish ember coat and a carpet cutie mark, accompanied by two others in similar bowling attire. There was something about them...something familiar.
"Ah, stress can be a real buzzkill, man. When we're stressed, we hit the bowling alley. You should come with us. Name's Jeff. Jeff Letrotski. But you can call me the 'Dude'."
[OMC. That. Is. Priceless.] you thought.
"This here's my main stal, Walter." the 'Dude' points to the buff stallion in sunglasses who nods. "And this is my guy, Donny."
"Hey, you must be that ape guy. What was it...Anthony? Anthill?"
"Anon." you say. Normally, you'd go hay-douken on anyone who called you an ape, but you're too damn glum to care.
"Donny, shut the buck up and take our stuff inside." Walter grunts.
"You got it, chief." he says, optimistically carrying the bowling gear away.
"So, whataya say?" Dude offers.
"I don't know. I don't think I'm mentally prepared to-"
"He's having mare issues." Spike chimes in.
"N-No I don't!" you exclaim. "It's a lie! A-A FALSE lie!"
"Doesn't that technically make it true?"
[...damn.]
"It's alright amigo. No fuss." Dude brushes off. "I remember the first mare I ever fell in love with. She was a little on the shy type, made the BEST jam in town, loved nature. But then, one day, she just up and left before I could ask her out. You know what I did afterwards?"
"Let me guess, you bowled?"
"Now yer gettin' it."
"Fine. Let's bowl, I guess." you sigh.
A little while later, the five of you enter the bowling alley, all but you walking in with such confidence. As you get closer to the lanes, you notice how expectant the bowling ponies were of Dude and his gang. They must've REALLY come here often. What you can't seem to wrap your head around about this is how the hell can these ponies carry 13 pounds of polyurethane with just hooves?!
[Then what are the fingerholes for, decoration?!]
Anyways, Donny signs all of you in as Dude bro-chats with the owner. The cheeky stallion attempts to sign you in as 'APE' until Walter pulls a slingshot on him, forcing him to change it to 'NON', right above 'DUD', 'WLT', 'DON', and 'STD'...
Wait, 'STD'?
"Spike, is that you, dude?"
"Yeah, I'm STD." he says. "Short for Spike The Dragon. What's wrong with it?"
"Oh, nothing, bro." you snicker.
"Alright, compadres. Let's bowl." Dude says proudly. "Anon, you're up."
On cue, a ball rolls in on the rack next to you. Like Loverboy says: 'Everyone's watchin'. You grab it and line up
[You can do this, Anon.] you think. [It's not a Wii remote to throw at the TV, but it'll do.]
You close your eyes, take a deep breath and popped every single joint in your hands as you slide the ball down the lane. It's going.....going....GUTTER.
Well...you suck.
"Is everything alright, bud?" Dude asks.
"Don't worry, I know what to do." Spike assures, flying towards your waist.
You rock to the familiar beat as you reach for the returning ball. It's your second attempt and you're NOT going to disappoint. You cut a rug as you toss the ball with finesse. It's going...going...STRIKE!!!
Or at least a spare if you count it.
The game goes on as you earn strike after strike thanks to your music mojo. After awhile, your stellar moves proved to be infectious as all the other bowling ponies STRIKE out to the beat.
It was official. Junior Senior makes the world go round.
Myth. Busted.
[And a one and a two and a-]
*STRIKE*
[Nailed it.]
It's over. Nine strikes, JUST like the Wii. Always bucked up on one. It was high-fives for you and your bro as the Dude approaches you.
"You were sick, my man!" Dude congratulates. The hip stallion attaches a nametag to you and Spike: 'The Man' and 'The Scales'. "Let's hit the sundae joint, on me."
Donny starts cheering only to be smacked upside the mane by ol' Walt.
"Woah, you sure about this Dude? We just bowled." you state.
"No sweat amigo." he assures. "You both are one of us now. This is how we do things, man."
"Can I sprinkle mine with gems?" Spike asks eagerly.
"Of course, my main dragon."
It was obvious the poor thing is probably STARVING for the good stuff after living with Egghead and you couldn't blame him. You and the others pack up and head to 'Hoofster's Ice Cream' for a well-deserved treat. Upon entering the chilly establishment, the gang plop down at the bar, chatting with Spike about something bowling related. As you prepare to join them, a couple sitting in the corner table of the place catches your eye.
They looked so happy together...
You sit at the bar next to Dude and rest your head on your hand.
"Mares, am I right, Man?" he chuckles.
You don't respond.
"It's a-okay, bro. We'll all find that special somepony in our lives eventually. Until then, we just go with the flow. You're the man, Man."
Dude slides you a wide cup of ice cream. You pick up the cup and gobble the thing to dust.
"How do you feel?" Spike asks.
"Keep. 'Em. Coming."
Chapter 3: A Surprising Proposal
"Come on lazy bones, wake up."
"Leave me be, Twi." you groan, trying to sleep.
"Guess again, HANDsome."
Your eyelids skyrocketed open as you turn to see the lyre-playing lurker looming over you. "Lyra, what are you doing-"
There, you realize you're no longer in Equestria anymore, but in what you could only describe as Discord's wet dream.
It had all the components. It's raining chocolate milk, Pinkie's beating up unreformed changelings in tight red spandex, Applejack's leading an army of apple-shaped tanks , pink fluffy unicorns are dancing on rainbows , and Twilight and Rainbow are bouncing on cotton candy clouds singing about how life with magic is fantastic.
Even Dr. Seuss and Weird Al would say tone it down a bit.
"Ugh, I've had enough of this Merry Melodies bull. The pink one's all the goofiness I need here, I'm out."
"Why so in a rush Anon?" Lyra huffs. "Don't you wanna spoon first?"
"Spoon?!" you exclaim. "Of course I don't wanna spoon! I'm getting the fork outta here!"
You get up and pick the ingenious tactic of running off into the unfamiliar land. It was nothing but pure madness from here on in. A giant Gummy slithers his long tongue up the side of your back as you walk up the spiral staircase of a strawberry cupcake. A flock of book-bats suddenly sweep you off the ground into the air. There, you see 'Pinkie-Pool' skydiving alongside a group of dorky looking superponies who all get struck down by flying bales of hay
Eventually, the weak book bats drop you out of the sky on your ass to confront robotic copies of RD chanting 'swag'.
You stagger further away from this insane world of insanity. A nightmare that you fear would last for eternity.
"Um, hi Anon."
That voice pulled you to a screeching halt.
"Fluttershy?"
"Y-Yes, I'm Fluttershy."
You pace around, examining the pony. "Eh, you may LOOK normal. But ARE you normal, Flutters?"
"I-I guess so...."
"You sure? No, no deep voiced profanity-spewing fat guy impersonation or anything?"
"N-No, I feel fine, I guess."
"Oh thank goodness. Come on, we need to find a way out of here."
"A-Anon, c-can I ask you a question?" the timid pegasus whispers.
"What is it? Make it quick."
"W-What's your fetish?"
"Say what's my WHAT now?!"
Suddenly, everything in sight crumbles away and dissipates as you're engulfed in pitch black darkness.
"Pony Stark, I don't feel so good!" Pinkie hollers.
"Thank Celestia, he's coming to."
You awaken to see two blurred figures hovering over you.
"Anon," one of their voices echo through your eardrums. "are you alright?"
Everything in sight soon becomes clear as you find yourself in the library in front of a concerned Twi and Star.
"I-I.....I-I-"
You belch out a wave of sprinkles and frosting on the two. "W-What happened?"
"You got served, that's what happened." Twilight states.
"Y-Yeah, SOFT serv-"
Spike's cut off from his drunken pun with a sprinkle/whipped cream-filled burp as well.
"We found you two outside the castle last night." Starlight adds. "And you kept saying you were a 'Goofy Goober'...whatever that means."
As you recover, you feel a firm object in your shirt pocket.
It's the nametag: The Man.
And a note:"Come hang with us anytime, Man." /)
"Oh...I remember now."
"Why'd you just eat your weight in ice cream anyway?"
"U-Um...I just...REALLY love ice cream."
"Well you can't just go gobbling everything in sight." the unicorn says, rubbing the whipped cream and leftover sprinkles from your face.
"Might I ask why?"
"Come on Spike." Twilight sighs. "Let's get you some ginger hale for your stomach."
"Ughhh, you'll never take me ali-"
He passes out.
With that, the alicorn drags the snoring dragon out of the room, leaving you two alone.
"Buck it, I'll come clean." she sighs.
"What is it, pal?"
Starlight hops on the couch beside you. "So, there's a certain party coming up in two weeks."
"You talking about the gala? I heard the girls chatting about it from time to time. Why?"
She scoots a little bit closer to you. "Well, I so happen to have an invitation to it...."
"Yeah?" you say, anticipation building up inside.
"Trixie's outta town..."
A little bit closer.
"Yeaaaaah?"
"I don't have a plus one at the moment..." she hums expectantly.
"Yeaaaaaaah?"
You're practically GLUED to the sly unicorn.
"Soooo...you think I should invite Sunburst to the gala?"
Your smile completely collapses as your whole world comes crashing down in a fiery, blazing inferno ball of intense heat that burns brighter than a thousand suns.
"W-What?"
"Sunburst. Think I should invite him to the gala?"
[What a cock tease!]
"U-Um...well I guess so, h-he's a pretty cool guy, I guess." you manage to utter.
[I'll get the gun.]
The cheeky unicorn bursts into hysterical laughter as she roughly pokes you in the shoulder. "I'm just messing around with ya Anon, don't be mad. Of course I'd ask you!"
[Oh thank Godlestia!]
"You sure? What about Sunburst?"
"Eh, he's catching up on his studies. You know, 'wizard business' and all." she states with hoof quotes.
"So does that mean...?"
"Anon, would you like to go to the Grand Galloping gala with me?"
Right then and there, your mind was blown. The castle blew up, Ponyville blew up, the PLANET blew up...
Wherever Thanos was blew up. You could barely contain your excitement, you were on the verge of exploding.
"C-Cool, sure. I-I'd love to go with you, pal. Sounds f-fun."
"GREAT!" she exclaims joyfully. "Don't forget to wear something that FITS you."
Starlight gives you a quick hug and a boop on the nose before happily trotting out of the room, leaving you to relish in your bodaciousness. This was incredible, you just had to pinch yourself.
[Ow.]
IT'S A MIRACLE!!!
You felt great, felt like dancing. Speaking of which...
You burst into Spike's room, startling the groggy dragon with your celebratory jamming session.
Fun fact: you are a wonderfully BAD dancer. All of your 'dope' moves, a little bit of the robot, a sprinkle of a jig, ALOT of shaking and convulsing and a little dash of Cotton-Eyed Joe. You continue to cut a rug as the amused dragon looks on.
"Sheesh, what's got you in such a good mood?" he asks.
"Starlight asked me to go to the gala with her!"
"NO WAY, BRO!" he yells.
"YES WAY, BRO! Dude I'm so psyched right now, I can just-"
Spike burps loudly, then guzzles down a bottle of ginger hale.
"Yeah, that."
"Ugh, well you might wanna start losing weight." he adds. "When it comes to Rarity's outfits, just one pound and you're done for. And in your case, that's alot of pounds."
"Aw, what are you talking about? I'm a perfect picture of health."
Now that he mentions it, the shirt jacket currently cutting off the circulation in your body does seem a little bit concerning. Nonetheless, you thought it was best to just suck it up...literally.
"I still don't see the issue." you strain.
"Dude, release."
You exhale and all buttons launch around the place one after the other until it reveals your bulging belly.
"This...could be a problem."
Chapter 4: Going in Style
"Hey, thanks again for the sesh, Bulk."
"No problem Anon!" the buff stallion barks. "Exercise is the best, YEAH!"
You two fist/hoof bump.
"Hey, ya might wanna lay off on the hay-roids bud, it'll cause shrinkage up there."
Bulk looks up at his shrimpy little wings. "Worth it! YEEEEEEEAAAAH!!!"
He flexes his muscles before daintily flying away.
[Sheesh, he's intense.]
It's been a week and a half since you've initiated Operation: 'Get Smexy' (Smokin' Sexy for ya noobs) by getting fit everyday after work.
Gotta get rid of that ~~beer~~ cider-gut somehow...
So far, you have lost a substantial amount of weight and an even greater, painstakingly HUGE amount of willpower to turn down Pinkie's tastebud-titillating treats. You're not exactly buff, but you're not FLUFFY either. All you knew was Starlight wanted a beef cake, not a cheesecake. After a quick shower, you head to the Carousel Boutique to check on your snazzy suit from Rarity. Maybe then, she won't act so over the top when examining her work.
Later....
*sigh* Mother. Bucking. Rarity.
As you're standing there awkwardly on a 'designers stool', the elegant mare eyes your form, practically sniffing for small imperfections like a rabid bloodhound.
"Ooh! We'll go with a GREEN tie!" she squeaks excitedly.
"Green?" you question.
"It just really brings out the REAL you."
"I guess green is pretty good." you shrug. "As a famous actor once said: 'This is my swamp'."
The mare gives you a quizzical look before working her magic. Pun intended...
Fight me.
"Now, darling. Let's. Get. STYLING!"
[That sounds like the cue for a totally-not-forced music montage...HIT IT!]
"Soooo?" Rarity says. "What do you think of it?"
You look into a nearby mirror and examine your outfit: a lavender-colored tuxedo, black shoes, a yellow corsage to top it off, and the odd addition of the green tie...
[Shit. I look like Harley Quinn's pimp...I LOVE it.]
"I'd say you've created another masterpiece."
"I try, darling. Twas nothing."
As you admire her handiwork, a gleaming row of pony mannequins partially blocked by a velvet curtain catches your attention. "Hey, what are you working on over there?"
Her eyes widen.
"Oh! T-Those? Those are.....side projects of mine, nothing special. They're not ready."
"Mind if I take a loo-"
The frantic unicorn dashes to the curtain and yanks it over the dress, completely covering it from view.
"I SAID THEY'RE NOT READY YET!!!" she hisses.
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry."
For such a sophisticated and refined mare, she knows how to strike FEAR into anyone. "Well it's been fun, but I have important matters to attend to, things to sew, fabric to organize, you know the usual."
Almost like time sped up, the fashionista escorts you to the door and places a peppermint candy in your pocket.
"Until then, Anonymous. Ta ta!"
Next thing you knew, she slams the door in your face.
"Ooooookayyy.....?"
[Drama queen. Or princess, I don't know why this world refuses to have queens.]
Anyways, you knew this suit'll most definitely impress your date, you could feel it. Feeling it riding up your spine...
No wait, that's just the presence of Pinkazoid, who slinks out the back of your shirt collar.
"Hiya, Nonny! Whatcha up to?"
"Hey, Pinks." you sigh. "I'm heading to see if Rarity's finished my suit."
"Ooooh, and what are YOU getting fancy for?" she asks slyly.
"Well-"
"NO WAIT, let me guess! You're going to some biiig party? Why wasn't I invited?! Was I already invited? Casual or fancy? It's gotta be fancy, you look fancy! The only fancy party I know is the Grand Galloping gala. *GASP* ARE YOU GOING TO THE GALA?!?! Who are you going with? Is it-MMMH!"
You stuff the peppermint down Pinkie McBoingBoing's throat. The smell of jalapenos was unbearable.
"Yes, I'm going. That's all I'm gonna say."
"Okie dokie lokie!" she muffles as you turn to leave. "Might wanna let Twilight know, most janitors never go to parties as big as that.
"Say what, now?"
You turn back to see the psycho mare has vanished.
Your stomach churns.
At the School of Friendship
*KNOCK*
"Come in!"
You enter Headmare Egghead's office to see the alicorn organizing her USUAL nerdy work. To this day, you still pay MASSIVE respects to the fallen feathers used for her 'hyewmun' research writing.
"Hey there, Anon!" she greets happily.
"Heyyyy, Twilight." you cringe. "How's it going?"
"Oh, the usual."
See what I mean?!
"Anyways, what brings you here?"
"Well....I was wondering...if you....wouldn't mind if I took a break from work to go to the gala with you guys?" you rush to finish.
"About that, Anon-"
"Before you say anything, I just want you to know, I myself need a little freedom to do certain things-"
"Um, Anon?"
"And I'm gonna go in specific detail on why I should go because blah blah blah-"
"ANON?"
"For I am a peacock, Twi! YOU GOTTA LET ME FLY!!!"
"ANON!!!" she barks.
"Yes, Ms. Sparkle?"
[Sheesh, why so serious Bat-Mare?]
"I don't know what you're 'blah'-ing about. I was GOING to say of COURSE you can come, you're not the only janitor here ya know."
"T-Thank you Twi." you sigh in relief. "THANK you Twi! You're a good mare, you're a fine mare, you're an outstanding mare!"
"Well....I wouldn't go THAT far, but-"
"Ya know, it was on the fence for a while: good mare, bad mare, good mare, bad mare. NOW it's official, you are a good mare!"
"Oh stop it." Twilight giggles. "It was noth-" she pauses. "Wait, WHO said I'm a bad mare?"
"Anywho, I'm gonna go. Catch ya later, byeeeeee!"
"Ya know peacocks don't FLY as oft-"
You slam the door on the nerd. Always hated being corrected.
Ah, there's nothing more relaxing than a good ol' fashioned Guy's Night to rest the bones or....whatever batshit insane stuff Discord's got in him.
"5o, I hEarD StArLi8ht inV1ted u to tHe G4la." said draconequus asks slyly.
"Yes she did." you answer proudly.
"What's your game plan?" Spike asks.
"I dunno. Guess I'll just wing it or something."
"W1ng Β‘t?!" Y0u c4n't juzt 'w/ng 1T'. U g0ttA bE kool."
"Eeyup." Big Mac agrees.
"Just remember to stay calm and cool. You know, CHILL." Spike states.
"Got it. Stay CHILL."
"And remember that the night is darkest just before the dawn."
"Spike, that's the Dark Knight."
"What?" he asks.
"You're quoting Dark Knight, dude."
"Oh. Okay, how bout this: 'Do or do not'."
"Star Wars."
[That sneaky little buckwad!]
"Do unto others-"
"That's the Bible."
"Do wah diddy?"
"That's gibberish."
"Two plus two-"
"That's basic math. You have no original advice to give, eh Spike?"
"How about this one: two eggs, a cup of sugar, a half a cup of butter..."
"That's a recipe for cake!"
"Then yeah, I got nothing." Spike hangs his head. "Give me a break, I'm new to this whole 'preparing a fellow guy for a semi-date' thing. The Crusaders already took care of Big Mac-"
"Eeyup." the stallion chuckles sheepishly.
"And Discord's just...."
"D1sc0rd's ju5t wH4t?" the offended spirit of chaos asks expectantly.
"Discord's just........Discord."
".......we1l, c@n't arGuE w!th thaT." he shrugs.
"Just be yerself Anon." Mac adds. "Ah know it sounds like them sappy cat posters, but it's the truth."
"Will do, Sir McBiggun." you chuckle.
"4nd d0n,t sCr3w uP. Th@t's tHe M4IN Th|ng. La5t th1nG u wAn+ to d0 iz loβk eVen M0R3 of a fo0l."
"Hey, I resent that!"
"I'm jUzt kiDd1ng....s0rt oF. "
"I mean, you have BOATLOADS of charm, right Anon?"
"Y-Yeah. Tons of...charm."
"L1e5. Y0u c4n tel1 by h!s W/MPy v0iCe."
"Hey!"
"We'vE got T0 tr@iN oUr fel10w guY!"
"You sure about that, Discord?" Spike grunts. "Remember how teaching Big Mac how to be 'cool' for Sugar Belle ended up?"
"Eeyup."
"0f coUrSe! Th3y'rE st1ll to9etHer, ri8ht?"
"Ugh, he's got us there."
"Eeyup."
The demented deformed draconequus slinks around your body with a sinister smile. "DoN,t w0Rry @nβnyMous. We'Re gonNa te4ch u h0w to be c0o1."
"..."
"I'm gonna somehow regret this, aren't I?"
"With great power comes great responsibility, dude."
"Spike, bro......please stop."
Author's Note
Feel free to like, comment and follow. π/)
"nOw An0nymoUz, eVery cre4tuRe kn0ws coβlneSs iz kβ¬y."
"How do you know?"
"FoR I aM-" A snap of an eagle talon later, Discord poses with a red Hawaiian shirt jacket, skinny jeans and a pair of slim sunglasses. "tHe GuY GuRu! My meTh0ds neVer fail."
"Heh, yeah ri-MMMH!!!" Spike's cut off as a zipper slams his mouth shut.
"NoW, Let'S st4rt w1th the baSiks: ThE W4LK."
The draconequus snaps a fashion runway on the farm with posters of the crazy spirit strutting his stuff. Soon, you're poofed onstage with all the spotlights shining upon you.
"N*w...w0rK 1t!"
You walk down the platform, back hunched over, eyes fidgeting and constantly tripping over yourself. The worst 15 seconds of your life.
"H-How was that?"
"SwEet Cel3st1a, yoU lo0k liKe a tuRtLe,s bEen sh0veD dn yoUr-"
"AS fine as a confident walk is, I think we should focus on something more...important, right Guy Guru ?" Spike inserts.
"YoU'rE r18ht. We nEed to pr4ct!ce wiTh a R3AL m4re."
"Yeah, that seems like the bet mo- Wait, what?"
Before you could blink, you're all chaotically teleported to the center of Ponyville where everypony's minding their normal day and going about their normal lives.
Unlike you right now...
"Already putting me in the playing field? I'm not ready yet."
"TrUst m3, it'LL al1 m4ke senSe. I kn0w tHe P3RFEKT maRe t0 st4rt w!th."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Eenope." Big Mac says.
"Good to know..."
"Always remember to eat green gems." Spike states. "Keeps your breath nice and minty."
"I d0n't th1nK d4tiNg is ur th!ng, Sp/kE."
"Plus, you're a KID." you state. "You're not old enough to be giving ME advice."
"Ah, yeah that's a good point. Buck me, right?"
As the four of you continue on, Discord turns a corner only to frantically force you all back. "PeRfecT!" he whispers looking back.
Spike and Mac peer around the wall.
"Oh, that's a perfect start, bro."
"Eeyup."
"Who is it?"
You look around the corner...
"NO!" you yell.
"Fir5t stEp: f4ce ur feArz."
[That's as backwards as going down on a handicapped girl!]
"Naw, I'm good. I'm just gonna go and-"
Suddenly, you're lifted off the ground and dropped onto a nearby bench.
[This is what I get for being a pussy!]
Then, you feel something rub up against your arm.
"Hi there, Anon!"
"Heyyyyyyy Lyra, how's it going?" you cringe.
"I'm just doing a little writing, that's all." she states. The unicorn levitates the book eye-level to you.
[Diary of a HANDy Hyewmun, huh? This is.....MOST non-nonheinous.]
You flip through a few pages noticing the countless pictures of you and your hands with endless cringy hand puns. "That....t-that's cool. You have a very good.......EYE for certain things."
"Aww, thank you Anon." she giggles playfully bumping you.
[Bad touch, BAD TOUCH!!! I'M NOT YOUR HYEWMUN!!! ]
You look back towards the three who give you a reassuring nod, although the UNEASY expressions on their faces says otherwise.
"I was going to paint a nice portrait of them, but you started to wake up."
"That's nice....wait, WHAT?"
"Nothing, silly."
[If ya wanna end yourself, clap your hands...]
Lyra's hoof idly rubs up against your leg.
The sound of two claps echo in your mind.
"Abort dude. ABORT!!!" Spike hisses.
"Hey, look what I got."
You reach into your pocket and show the creepy mare a pair of gloves. She stares in awe as you wave them side to side, rocking along with it as you do so.
"You want it girl, ya want it?"
"Me wants it!"
"Then goooo GET it!"
"YES!"
Lyra dives for the gloves the MINUTE it hits the soil, crazily rubbing the poor things all over her face, crazily rolling on the ground, and crazily laughing.
Just all around CRAZY.
And you needed to get away from it.
You manage to utter a 'Run' to the guys as you turn the corner and take off down the street.
"Bro, why are you running?" Spike calls out.
"SHE CAN PICK UP YOUR SCENT!"
It wasn't too long before Discord swoops you into his grasp with the others and teleport you all back to Sweet Apple Acres. As you all settle down, you fall to the ground shaking in the fetal position.
"PhEw, I w0uld,nt w1sh @ll th4t on mY w0r5t enEmy."
"I thought you were just exaggerating!" Spike huffs.
"E-Eeyup."
"It's okay bud, it's alright. We'll try something else." Spike whispers, rubbing your back.
"I feel s-so......so UNCLEAN."
"NeXt stEp: Th⬠gr0ove!"
"Oh, I'll ace this one. I ALWAYS got the groove."
You kick into a breakdancing session comprised of moonwalks, the robot and the worm, with a side order of freestyling.
If only you could see yourself reenacting a seizure.
"Anon....what was that?" Spike asks in disbelief.
"What? It's just a little bit of me bein' me."
"No bro, that's you bein' alot of something you don't need to ever be again."
"Aw come on bro, don't ha-AUGH!!!"
Out of nowhere, Discord gives you a devastating left hook to the jaw with a red boxing glove.
"Augh! What was that for?!"
Suddenly, you notice two blue, puffy gloves clamped to your hands as you find yourself standing in a wrestling ring where Discord strips out of his skin into a bunch of boxing gear, shaggy Rocky hair and all. "StEp f0ur: THe p1ckUp l!ne$."
"W-Wait, wha?"
*SMACK*
"UGH, MY SCAPULA!!!"
"GiMme ur Be$t liNβ¬, 4nonΒ₯m0us!"
"U-Umm......I like your.......cutie mark?"
*SMACK*
"TrY ag@1n!"
You struggle to lift the heavy gloves, to no avail as you try to think of a good line. "Ugh, I-I...wanna come inside?"
*SMACK*
"Wr0nG!"
"I-Is that a rock in your pouch or are you just happy to see me?"
*SMACK*
"Dat flank THICC, tho!"
*SMACK*
"Wassup, buttercup!"
*SMACK*
"At night, I think of yooooooou!"
*SMACK*
"Granny Smith, I sure do love your pie!" you groan as your legs give out and you collapse to the ground. Your dragon bro rushes to your side and hovers over you.
"Bro. Guess what?" he asks.
"Ughhhhhh.......huh?"
"YOU GOT KNOCKED THE BUCK OUT, MAN!"
"PoSit1vely h0peleSs." Discord sighs.
Eventually, the sound of crunching opens your heavy eyes.
"That was EPIC! Do it again!" a shrill voice cheers.
You turn to see an excited Scootaloo on the edge of her seat, eagerly watching you and gobbling away at a large bag of popcorn with the other Crusaders.
"Girls.........what doing you here are?" you slur.
"Enjoying the show." the rowdy pegasus chuckles. "What are you guys up to, exactly?"
"Reshaping Anon's confidence." Spike states. "He's trying to impress Starlight."
[Just SHOUT out my sperm count to the world why don't ya?!]
"Now wait a sec," AppleBloom says. "You have a crush on Starlight?"
"Well, I wouldn't say THAT but-"
Suddenly, the three fillies jump with joy before skipping around your blushing and bruised body, squealing and chanting 'Nonny's gotta marefriend' .
"Can you three keep it down?!" you hiss.
"Ah HA, gotcha ~~green~~ red-handed Anon!" Sweetie Belle exclaims. "You know it's true if you're TRYING to keep it a secret."
[....damn.]
"S-So what if I do? I'm not that cool."
"Not with THAT attitude, you're not!" Scootaloo scoffs.
"Yea, that's hay feathers! There's definitely a better way 'round this."
"Like what, exactly?"
A huge smile slowly forms across the southern filly's face.
[Oh shit....]
Soon, the rest of the Crusaders have devilish grins.
[Please don't...]
"Ya know what ah'm thinkin', Crusaders?"
[No...]
"How 'bout-"
[DON'T SAY IT!!!]
"A MAKEOVER!!!" they yell.
"To Tartarus with that!" You turn and take off only to be tripped over and snatched back by a sly draconequus's tail.
"A m4ke0veR d()eS soUnd fe4sib1e."
His tail stretches around and ties you up before turning into rope.
"No! You can't do this! Spike?!"
"Sorry, dude. See ya on the other side."
"Big Mac?!"
The stallion shrugs and gives you a face that could be translated to: 'Godspeed, man' .
"HELP!
Back at the school...
*KNOCK KNOCK*
"Come in!"
"Hey, Star."
"Oh hi Anon, how's your day goi- SWEET CELESTIA!"
"Yeah, I know....."
"What HAPPENED to you?"
"A little quiz: three crusaders + one human Γ a makeup kit - SANE draconequus magic = what?"
"A living Ponecasso painting." she chuckles.
You frown and drop on the couch.
"Do I even WANT to know why?"
"Probably not. Long story short, I was just trying to look cool."
"Anon, you're already cool. You're kind, funny, you certainly know how to cut a rug."
[HA, SUCK IT GUYS!!!]
"Just be yourself, Anon." she says warmly.
"EEYUP!" a deep voice echoed.
"What was that?"
"Uh- *cough*- that was me. *cough cough* I think I swallowed a hair bow."
The unicorn bursts into laughter as she nestles up on your arm. "Never change, pal."
A miniscule Discord pops up on your shoulder, gives you a brief thumbs up and poofs out.
"Don't plan to."
"Anon?"
"Zzzzzzzzz."
"Hey, Anon. Wake up."
"Zzzzzzzz......get me the 2-piece special......zzzzzzzz......lots of hot sauce, a-and all the fries you can give me-"
"Red Robin's-"
"YUMMMMM!" you hum, snapping out of your deep slumber.
"Ha! It actually works." the voice chuckles.
"Where am I?"
Suddenly, something jerks the room forward, throwing your head into a bench and earning a low "Oof!" from you.
"We're here."
You see Starlight sitting beside you with a warm smile. Behind you, Twilight, Spike and the others are looking out their own windows in awe.
"Wait, we've JUST arrived?" you ask.
"Yeah, something wrong?"
"Duck."
"Say what now?"
You pull the unicorn down behind the seat with you as the sound of an obnoxious party cannon going off sends a wave of confetti and little balloon animals soaring overhead.
"WOOOOOOOOO, WE'RE HERE YOU GUYS!!!" Pinkie hollers.
After a while, you hear the Crusaders cheer along as well.
"Phew, dodged a balloon." Starlight chuckles.
Outside the station, the girls trot on ahead, gawking at all the sights of the elegant area. And who could blame them? With clean streets, impressive topiaries, 5-star resteraunts as far as the eye can see and overpriced shit, it's a rich mare's paradise.
Starting to wonder if Whooves'll ever improve those walkies cuz you would've run the storage ragged with sum sic pics.
"So what do you think of Canterlot, Anon?" Starlight asks approaching you.
"It looks pretty great. Very nice, very high class."
"Yep. Sometimes a little TOO high class."
"What do you mean by that?"
The unicorn points to a sophisticated group of ponies with their noses so high in the air, you could've sworn they were TRYING to shove their heads up their flanks.
"Oof, I see your point."
"Mmhmm."
Eventually you notice poor Spike struggling with a tall pile of luggage, bags, packs, you name it, all by himself. "Uhhh, give me a sec, Star. I'll catch up with ya." you call out as they move on.
Every once in a while, you witness the little scaly scamp getting the short end of the stick.
"Sheesh, does literally NO ONE help you with the luggage, Spike?"
"Urghhhh. Occasionally." he grunts, trying to push the mountain of stuff that you're pretty sure most likely 60% belongs to Rarity. You hop around the other side of the load and lift it with ease, leaving a few bags for the little guy to easily carry. "You get used to it. But that's what friends do, ya know?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
['Friendship is magic' my ASS.]
Well THIS was the most stressful semi-tour of your life so far.
Between high-priced stuff you want but can't have and Pinkie's off-the-wall erratic enthusiasm, you just couldn't do it anymore. Plus, these snobbish aristocrats are eyeballing your appearance with either a look of curiosity, confusion or a mixture of both. It's like they've never seen a human before......
Wait a minute.
NOTE TO SELF: Beg Twilight to buy you overpriced coffee.
Anyways, Princess ~~Sunbutt~~ Celestia's hooked you and the girls with a 5-star hotel with 5-star decor, 5-star food, 5-star folks and, the best part, 5-star TOWELS!!!
.......
Meh, WAAAY too 5-star for your tastes.
Might smuggle a towel or two though...
Finally, you all manage to find your rooms, but your arms give out and drop the bags of ~~bricks~~ clothes the minute you enter.
"Christ, what are IN these things, ROCKS?!" you huff.
Pinkie hops over, grabs a greyish-purple suitcase out of the pile and eagerly flips it open, revealing it's contents:
GODDAMNED ROCKS.
"Ha! Dwayne and Johnson made it in one piece, Maud!" she squeaks.
"Hooray."
You flinch as the odd grey pony suddenly pops up next to you.
"Oh, hey Maud." you say.
"Hey."
"..."
"..."
Crazy how this mare's silence STILL makes your scrotum shrivel up unlike her sister, who prances and dances around the room doing what you could only describe as 'Gangmane Style' .
Ya know, Pinkie's wacky excitement and quirky personality is slowly but surely starting to grow on you...
Like a cyst.
Later that evening...
"Hmmmm.....I'd say go with that one."
"You sure, Spike? I'm still not that crazy over the green tie. A red one, sure. But green?"
"Again and again, you keep doing this bro." the dragon sighs. "You ask me for my opinion, then you ignore it. Besides, it's the better tie."
You fold your arms. "It's cuz Rarity picked it out, isn't it?"
"N-No! Of course not....GET OFF MY BACK, ANON!"
"Okay, okay. Is this the one you wanted?"
Spike flies over and ties it around your neck. "Yep, THAT'S the mare magnet."
"I have to say it's kind of......BIG."
"The size doesn't matter, Anon. It's ATTITUDE that makes the guy." The kid then pulls out a large red carnation and clips it to his tuxedo. "Come on, let's go."
You roll your eyes before heading out.
Out in the hallways, the ladies chat it up wearing their fabulous dresses and gowns. Even Maud looks.....semi-fashionable? The Crusaders look adowable as ever, everypony's outfit matches their style, now you realize how Rarity 'outdoing herself' is an understatement.
"Oh, don't you two look dapper." said unicorn says warmly.
"It's that Joker guy, RUN!" Scootaloo shrieks, running down the hall with the other two following after.
"No girls it's me, i-it's....ugh!"
[Damn you, human 'history'!!!]
"It's fine, Anon." AJ nods. "They'll be back."
"Where's Starlight?"
"I think she's finishing up." Twilight says.
"I'll go check on her."
"Go get her, Casa-Neighva ." RD chuckles.
You give the cocky pegasus a devastating death glare. "So, tell me what's it like dressing in style, Dashie." you ask slyly. "Had fun playing dress up?"
Her smug grin fades away and forms into one of disdain.
"Thought so."
And with that, you walk in the room.
"Hey pal, are you almost rea-"
You pause.
Your bestie turns to you after checking herself out in the mirror.
"Hey, pal!"
[Whoa....]
"H-Hey Starlight."
"So. What do ya think?"
There the radiant unicorn stood, wearing a sparkling teal gown with yellow trimming, silver necklace and hoof shoes, the back of her mane is tied in a ponytail and topped with the same shiny gold crown you spotted at the boutique.
She's literally GLOWING .
"Starlight.....y-you look amazing."
"Aw, thanks Anon. You're not too bad yourself."
"You're pretty......G-GOOD at....fashion..."
"It's nice. I was just finishing up. Do I look okay?"
"..."
"Anon?"
"'Okay' doesn't even begin to cover it." you say dreamily.
"Aw, Anon. You're the greatest friend ever." she chuckles, playfully bumping you.
"Yep.....that's me. Friends forever."
*awkward silence*
"Well......shall we, then?"
"Oh, sure. After you, Star."
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Heehee, maaaaaaybe." Pinkie giggles.
That sweet aroma, that oh so sweet aroma continues to rape your nostrils as you and your friends enter the extravagant castle.
"Pinkie, don't mess with me." you hiss, clutching the mare. "Do they actually have it?!"
"See for yourself, Nonny."
Eventually, as soon as you enter the throne room, you spot the source of that captivating scent:
[THEY HAVE A GIANT CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN?!?!]
You prepare to bum-rush after the nectar of the gods before the party pony stops you with a hoof. "Geez, and I thought I was crazy around sweets." she laughs.
"Might wanna keep that craziness on the low, Anon." AJ states.
[YOU SHALL NOT TAKE ME FROM XANADU!!!]
Now that you notice, she was right though. Judging by all the soft, sophisticated, jamless music, the snobby chatter, the snobby ponies, the snobby snorts and laughter COMING from said snobby ponies and the always bland hors d'oeuvres, you were in the center of the hornet's nest. These ponies are so filthy rich, you could almost SMELL it...
Ugh, it smells wealthy.
"Wouldn't want to attract...attention to yourself ." Flutters whispers.
"Fair enough," you sigh. "But no promises on that."
Then, you're yanked down, meeting the icy cold stare of the purple beast. "No. Shenanigans." she says with gritted teeth.
"Y-Yes ma'am."
"Great! Now let's have FUN."
Everypony spreads out to mingle, leaving you with your trembling legs. With an unsure step, you walk amongst the attending ~~predators~~ ponies. It's fine so far, everypony's minding their business, yucking it up with one another, everything's fi-
[Dear gawd they're staring at me, THEY'RE STARING AT ME!!!! Don't worry dude, just act casual. No, FORMAL. Act.....formal.....]
You 'formally' STAGGER your way through, giving formal hello's and brief waves, etc. to these folks. However, their stares and noticeable gossiping whispers are NOT helping in the slightest. But you manage to squeeze out of the crowd, a wall of sweat soaking your forehead. At least you can finally move on with-
"Oof."
Suddenly you back into something...
Something soft and...fluffy?
"Oh, nice to see you again, Anonymous."
You turn around and come face-to-face with Sunbutt herself.
"E-Evening, Princess Celestia." you squeak, with a quick bow.
"So, this is the chap Anonymous you were talking about?" a white stallion standing beside her asks.
"Anonymous, this is Fancypants. Fancypants, Anon."
"N-Nice to meet you."
"Oh, the pleasure's all mine my good..." the stallion pauses.
"Human." the alicorn whispers
"Yes, indeed. My good'hyewmun' ."
[This guy gets it. At least he-"]
"Are you a rare breed of ape?" a tall white unicorn mare constantly posing against Fancypants asks.
Your brain says 'screw you' and 'goodbye' to all the hope you had for ponykind.
"Not.....exactly."
The growing urge to snap necks is jacking up your cool level. These ponies are testing your gangsta.
With. Extreme. Prejudice.
"Anon, are you alright?" Twilight jumps in.
"Yeah....j-just need some fresh air. Back in a bit."
And with those rushed words, you scurry pass the group of pampered ponies and outside into the castle gardens. You crash on the bench near the entrance hyperventilating.
[Whew, I think Flutters was on to something with this 'EYES' thing.]
As you compose yourself, you hear a mare's voice declaring it is time for 'Insert Ballroom Dancing Time Here ____.
The violins and harps begin to kick in and you wished Vinyl was here to spice things up.
"Hey, Anon. What are ya doing out here?"
You look to see your date approaching you with a quizzical smile. "H-Hey Star, I just needed to get some air. What's up?"
"......do you wanna dance?"
That sentence ALONE struck you with the most fear you've ever felt in your life. You just don't know how to respond.
And you watched Son of the Mask!
"U-Ummm...I think I'm gonna take a rain check on that one, thanks."
"Come on, Anon. It'll be fun."
"I-I dunno. The way ponies ballroom dance looks kinda..."
You look back inside the throne room where most of the ponies do the waltz hoof in hoof with their partners, stepping back and forth in each other's arms.
"-uncomfortable to me."
"Well let's make it look MORE comfortable."
Suddenly, you're forced off the seat and to your feet by a light blue aura of magic. The manipulating unicorn staggers on her hind legs and rests her fore hooves atop your shoulders. "Dance with me." she says slyly.
"Are you sure about thi-"
"Hush! Dance with me." she barks.
"Okay." your voice cracks.
"Good. But first-"
Her magic pulls the player off your belt and places it in your hand. "What do you say we play the GOOD stuff?"
"Of course."
Starlight wraps her hooves around your neck and align her legs with yours.
Guess you're leading.
You hold on to your pal and immediately buck up already, constantly and clumsily bumping each other's legs.
"Ugh, I'm not so good at this."
"It's fine, Anon. Just relax ."
The way her eyes glistened in the pale moonlight as she stares into yours fixes your rhythm.
"See? Now you're gettin' it!" she squees.
Then, she came in with the big knockout punch: she rests her head on your chest.
[Clever girl...]
But you've got a backup plan...
"Hey pal, ever wanted to know what it's like to fly?"
"Well, I do levitation spells on occasion. Why-EEP!"
Without warning, you lift your giggling bestie in the air with ease, dress waving in the wind as she spreads her arms wide like a majestic eagle. Her childlike excitement proved contagious as you too find yourself laughing like a foal. You two dance and twirl around the tranquil gardens under the shimmering stars until the song finally comes to a close.
"Starlight?"
"Yes, Anon?"
"There's something I need to tell you."
"I have something to tell you too."
"..."
"..."
"Wanna raid the fudge fountain?"
"What was that, Anon?"
"I-I said 'I want that fudge'."
"Oh, let's go, then."
"Huh?"
"I-I said let's go, too."
[Seriously...? -_-]
"Well come along Sir Anonymous Unknown ." she says in an exaggerated British accent.
"Coming Madame Starlight Glimmer ." you chuckle in the same accent.
[DUDE! YOU TOTALLY JUST DANCED WITH HER!!!]
You mentally bro fist all of your emotions who give you MAD props.
Except for Dirty-Minded Anon.
But whatevs, you got to get funky with your bud. You'll get her next time.
Eventually...
Maybe...
Least likely...
Plus, it's bout time you made an appointment with Mr. Fountain...
Author's Note
Chocolate for all!!! π
It's been about three days after the gala and you and your bros are currently joining the Dude and his bros on their weekly bowling time.
"So you finally asked her out, amigo?"
"Not.....quite, Dude. But I did get to dance with her. At least I got there."
"That's my main Man!" Dude exclaims patting your back. "You'll get her next time, just gotta goooo with the flow."
"Taught him-URRGH, everything he knows!" Spike grunts trying to lift his bowling ball to his lane.
"Your back. Spike, lift with your back." you instruct.
"It's KINDA hard- URRH, to lift with your back while you're- GRRR, flapping your wings to DUST!!!"
"Come on bro, it's not THAT hard. Tell him Big Mac."
The country stallion chucks his ball down his lane with ease, showing those pins who's boss with a loud STRIKE . "EEYUP!!!" he bellows, triumphantly hoof pumping.
*THUD*
The poor dragon's ball rolls toward the pins at almost -5 mph as it SLOOOOOOWLY knocks three of 'em down. "Yes! THREE pins, that's a new record!!!"
[You know what....I'mma just let him have it.]
"Number 18, ready for pickup!" the intercom chimes.
"Oop, that's us. I got it, guys."
You head to the 'Chow Corner' as Dude calls it, and grab the 'eats' . For a group of buff stallions, minus Donny, they sure do EAT a buck ton of shit. Suddenly, as you head back to the guys, something rings.
Kinda like a phone...
It seems to be a banana on the tray's the source as it bounces and vibrates about to the ringing. You pick up the banana-phone thingy and hesitantly lean in. "H-Hello?"
"YeS, iz AniTa BAth tHerE?"
"Anita Bath?" you ask.
"Y0u sUre DO!"
The banana leaps out of your grip, its height rapidly overshadowing you, and rots as it splits open, revealing a peeved Discord.
"THat LITTLE peRforManCe of yoUrs trUly STuNK." he hisses.
"What the
"DoN't chAnGe tHe suBjecT. YoU aLmosT hAd it. WhAt ab0ut Ur tRaiNinG?!"
"Big Mac was right, I just needed to be myself. Isn't that right, bro?"
*STRIKE*
"EEYUP!!!"
"MuSt saY, y0u hUmanS haVe an....inTereStinG wAy oF DanCing, by tHe WaY."
At that moment, Spike visibly cringes.
"W-Whoa whoa whoa, wait." you stutter. "You guys were WATCHING us?!"
Your 'bros' trying and failing to hide guilty eyes confirms it.
"Who ELSE saw?!"
"WeLL leT's sEe: FluTtersHy, TwiLigHt, PinKie PiE......eVery0ne."
"Did the Crusaders see?"
"Every. Second." Spike says in defeat.
Your heart sinks faster than the Titanic. The thought of those adorable monsters smashing the 'I told you so' button full force makes your rectum clench in fear. And Big Mac's 'You're in trouble' face was NOT helping.
"Ugh, now I gotta go into hiding." you groan. "And I would've gone stress-free if it wasn't for you meddling 'bros' , and that crazy draconequus too!"
"Oh FiNe, i'LL jUst gO tHeN. I knOw wHen I,M nOt wAntEd." the spirit of chaos huffs with a frown. "By thE wAy, drAmaTic enTranCes aRe cOol AnD U kNow iT."
Discord's arms detach from his body, molds his body up into a chaotic ball with his goofy face on it and chucks it down a lane, earning a strike. His floating arms fist pump before poofing away.
Well then....
"It's been great hanging with ya Dude, guys. Really wish I could stay but I gotta go....lay low for awhile."
"Be safe out there, mi compadre." the chill stallion nods.
"Oh, Dude." you stop. "I've been meaning to ask but, what does your cutie mark mean? What's with the rug?"
"Hmm, it's a long story, Man." Dude chuckles. "Let's just say it involved some kook with lemonade."
"Hehe, might wanna watch out for your carpet, Anon." Donny snickers.
Walt trots over and smacks the skinny stallion in the back of the head. "Shut the buck up, Donny." he growls.
"Catch ya on the flip side, my Man."
You grab your things and dash out the door.
"Anon, what about Big Mac?!" Spike calls out trying to catch up with you.
*STRIKE*
"WOOHOOOOO!!!"
"He'll be fine, let's get outta here!"
And off you two left.
"The Don abides..."
"SHUT THE BUCK UP DONNY, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT!!!"
Stealth missions.
Gotta love to absolutely HATE them.
Who knew that they could be just as, if not MORE stressful in real life than in game form? And you're trying to hide from a group of little GIRLS!
Eh, maybe Button Mash would know...
*insert 'You got roasted' meme here*
Shade-throwing aside, you sneak around town to reach home base. With Spike, it's smooth sailing with his small stature. You on the other hand/hoof, are as sneaky and subtle as a buck to the face.
Curse you human height!
No matter, you just need to reach that barrel of apples HALF your size. Gathering ALL your agility and raw awesomeness, you leap....
And land sprawled out on the ground.
HE STICKS THE ~~LANDING~~ FLOP!!!
Well done, Anon. You've made it an entire FOOT towards the castle! Only 100-and-something feet left to go. You'll totally make it at this pace. Right now, you need to-
"There he is!"
Achievement unlocked π:
'Well, You're Screwed'.
I think you just sharted...
"Anon, RUN!"
Heeding your bro's words, you take off without a second thought, vowing NEVER to look back. The sound of tiny, running hooves slowly growing louder kicks you into high gear. But why worry, they're not getting anywhere with those wee little hooves.
"Just give up! You'll never catch thi-WOAH!"
There, something snags you by the ankles, tripping you...
It's a jump rope!
"Got 'em!" AppleBloom says.
Before you could tear away the jump rope tangled to your legs, the three pony predators tackle you back down giggling.
"Bro, help!"
The heroic dragon charges to your rescue, valiantly flying over the four of you and taking off down the ro-
DAFUQ?!?!
"Spike, come back!" you wail.
"Sorry, bro! I can't attack girls!" he hollers back, hauling tail toward the castle.
"COWAAAAAAARD!!!"
Using all your strength, you stagger to your feet as the three fillies freak out like a bunch of fangirls crawling all over your body. Sweetie Belle's glued to your arm squealing 'OMC' over and over, AppleBloom's clinging to your leg DEMANDING to be the flowerfilly for your wedding and Scootaloo's begging you to postpone it til she's been of flying age and perform a sonic rainboom during the ceremony, all the while the three pulling the whole 'sitting in a tree' chant shit.
[Okay, that's enough.]
You shake the flailing girls off of your limbs and drop them on their backs. "Look, we are not dating! It's totally-"
"Hayfeathers, Anon!" AB laughs.
"We're SURE this time you're a perfect match!" Scootaloo adds.
Sweetie Belle clings to your leg. "Would you prefer a vanilla or chocolate cake?"
"Ooh, chocolate sounds like the perfect choi- I-I MEAN, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!" you stutter. "You girls are reading too deeply into this. I just think Starlight is a good friend, nothing more despite her charming personality, fun nature and radiant beau-"
You pause as the three stare at you wide-eyed.
"-ty......"
"..."
"..."
[Crap...]
"Um...I-I can explain thi-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER WEDDING PLANNERS, WOOOOOO!!!"
Before you could utter another word, the Crusaders hop away down the road in a squeeing frenzy, babbling about how Starlight's dress'll look.
Shippers.
Still. The bucking. WORST.
Opportunity open, you skidaddle on to the base.
Stealth: 2.5/10
Don't worry, we'll get 'em next time...
No we won't.
"Now if I add a fourth bow to each string, that SHOULD keep 'em outta the bushes."
That evening, as Glimmy examines her 'precious' kites from every single angle imaginable in the castle library, you're looking on, knee DEEP in awkward thought.
"Okay, I think I worked out the kinks in the kite's drag and weight so if the wind is JUST right tomorrow, this baby will soar perfectly! Whataya think? Anon?"
"Huh? O-Oh, sounds great, Star. Looks.....soarable."
"Anon, is there something wrong?"
"N-No no, I'm good. Just.....think I'm still recovering from all that chocolate."
"Well, I TOLD ya not to mix fudge with mini cakes and whatever fancy sweets there." she laughs.
"You HAVE to admit, that grey stuff was delicious."
[Don't believe us, ask the snobby bitches.]
"Whatever you say, Anon. Just let Nurse Glimmer work her magic.
The unicorn's light blue aura carries you to a couch and lays you right beside her.
[Helloooooooo Nurse!]
"So, what's my prescription, doc?" you snicker.
"Hmmmm, maybe two of these every minute."
Glim Glam leans against your side and rubs your stomach tenderly.
"Umm, what are you doing?"
"Flutter Tip #541: 'Tummy rubs get rid of tummy stubs'. " she says matter of factly. "Huh, I can't believe I remember that."
"Fluttershy has her own tips, eh?"
"Yup. Like 'Open the door for friends and more', 'Teamwork makes the dream work' -"
"Lemme guess, 'Fish are friends, not food' ?"
"Tip #146. How'd you know?"
"Um......lucky guess? I'm just wondering who gives their friends 'tummy rubs' ?"
"Wellllll..."
"Other than YOU." you sigh.
"I don't know. I think most of 'em involve animals."
You turn to her with a quizzical look.
"Oop, n-not that I'm saying you're an animal or anything! I-I just thought that-"
You grab the sheepish mare and lay her back on your lap and scratch her soft, pink belly. "It's MY job to rub my animal friend."
"Who are you calling an anim- uhhhhh..."
"You were saying?"
The look of bliss in your pal's eyes gets a snicker out of you.
"A l........l-little higher."
"As you wish."
Star curls up on your legs and rests against your stomach. "Mmm, this is better than the ear scratches..." she moans.
"Is that so?"
"Y-Yes, it.....it-"
"Star?"
"Zzzzzzzzzz...."
[Augh, not AGAIN!!!]
Yup. She's out cold...
AGAIN.
Dude, you could make some SERIOUS money outta this. Some sort of 'affection therapy' if you will....
Nah. Sounds like it's been completely done before .
But. Must. Not. Disturb. So. Bucking. ADORABLE!!!
Despite your best efforts, the unconscious pony's peaceful slumber proves to be rather contagious as you began to feel drowsy. You figured 'what the hay', readjust the two of you on the couch and snuggle up with your pony pal. Starlight rests her hooves around you as you two drift off to dreamland, hopefully without Moonbutt stalking you both...
Creep.
Ah, such a extremely tranquil morning. Not like your typical, everyday mornings.
Something's different, though.
The sun's not pimp slapping you, Twilight's not bursting into the room like the living alarm clock that she is. Everything's just straight up peaceful right now. Although, the couch is a bit sturdier than usual. As you try to relax, you notice your unicorn pal snuggled up against you once more, sleeping soundly under your arm as she yawns. You smile before nuzzling into her soft, pink fur. The birds in the bright sky are chirping the morning away. They sound pretty close.
A little bit TOO close.
Soon, the feeling of something crawling on your arm snaps you out of the doze. Something small. Something humming...
Something fuzz- OH GAWD, it's a BUCKING BEE!!!
Before you can react, however, ol' Seinfeld decides to pierce your skin with it's dreaded stinger, causing you to leap out in pain, hollering and rolling around in the dirt. Your insane pain dance carries on as you swear every word under the sun.
"Totally NOT a dream! Jesus CHRIST, that hurts! For the love of Sunbutt!!! That's why I don't care that much about jazz, ya bucking parasite! Actually, wasps are far worse. But you SUCK AS WELL! Simulation TERMINATED!"
You pause and look up.
Clear, blue skies, an enormous field with amount of trees as far as the eye can see, annoying as hell bugs buzzing in your ears and the EXTREMELY high cliff your oblivious ass is an inch away from falling off of. Startled, you back away with a yelp.
"A-Anon? W-What's going on?"
You turn to a drowsy Star, who's slowly standing to her hooves. "What time is it?" she yawns.
"Glimmy Glam, we're not in Ponyville anymore."
"Huh?" she pauses. Like you, her face goes from groggy and confused to shocked and frantic. "What the HAY, where are we?! What's going on?!"
"I don't know!"
"Ah!"
"Ah!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
One scream fest later...
"Are......are you good, Star?"
"I....I think so." she huffs. "W-What about you?"
"Phew.....I'm fine."
"Good. Now all that's left is to figure out HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!!!"
"I still don't know!"
"There's gotta be SOME explanation for this!"
You look to your mind for some answers.
[DON'T LOOK AT ME, I-I'M TOTALLY LOST, MAN!!! I don't have whatever Hello-bucking-Kitty, big-eyed Chinese, anime cartoon girl solve-it magic at ALL!]
Coming from the mind that manipulated you into telling these ponies that twerking is some sorta mating ritual, that's no surprise.
[Wait.....]
"Anon?"
*CLOCK*
The rusty gears begin to click.
[DISCORD!!! 'GUY GURU' MY ASS! OOOH, WHEN I FIND THAT MOTHERBUCKER, HIS NECK IS GONNA BE THE THING I CHOKE THE HARDEST!!! RIGHT THERE ON TOP OF THE LIST NEXT TO MY-]
"Anon!"
"U-Uhhhhh.......I got nothing."
"Great. Juuuuust GREAT." the sour pony huffs, trotting off and plopping down on a nearby log.
"Um, Star? You alright?"
"No, Anon, I am NOT okay. I am LIVID about this! You know me and the wilderness do NOT mix well!"
[Livid? Sweet Celestia, that's two degrees past pissed!]
"Hold on, let me think for a sec."
You pace around a bit, pondering your next move.
*Click clock, click clock, click clock, click clock-*
"Get OFF my head! Damn woodpecker."
"Annoying little things." Star utters.
Back to thinking....
"BRAIN BLAST!"
"What do ya got?"
"I got it. How 'bout we.....walk around until we find some place?"
"Walk?"
"Eeyup."
"FURTHER into the forest?"
"Eeyup."
"Are you SURE about that, Anon?"
"Eenope."
"Ugh. Whatever it takes to get outta here, I guess."
"Hey, don't worry, I've hiked with Flutters before, I know the forest and its survival techniques like the back of my hand..."
[Has that mole always been there...?]
"W-Wait a sec. So, I'm wondering....if the coyote could afford to buy these crazy contraptions to catch a roadrunner, why can't he afford to buy something to eat?"
"Because......I don't know, you got a point. You never see the coyote eat anything else, you never really see him eat anything at all. Which could be why he's missing the dang bird all the time, ya know? The brain needs sugar."
It's been about a half hour since you and Starlight have aimlessly stroll through the dimly lit forest as you currently explain the basics of cartoon logic to this stick in the mud.
"No WAY can a coyote survive a gunpowder sandwich." she chuckles.
"Oh. Well, I guess that proves that the coyote's the Anti-Christ then, come on now. Not meant to be taken THAT seriously."
"These silly 'CAR-TOONS' , or whatever, of yours is way too wacky for me to understand."
"But Pinkie ISN'T?!"
"....touchΓ©."
Soon, your conversation is cut short by the horrible, yet inevitable sound of your stomachs begging for satisfaction.
I guess that's what happens when you try to bring logic into looney things...
"Oh no." you utter.
"Speaking of which, what's the 'Flutter's Guide' say about finding food?"
"Survey says..."
Your stomach growls, which translates to "Ah, HELL naw!"
"Absolutely NOTHING in mind."
"Something told me you couldn't remember your SPECIAL techniques."
"I'm sure we'll find SOMETHING around here, I know almost exactly what I'm doing."
"Uh huh, sure. But I'm not resorting to eating acorns."
"Yeah, I heard chasing after acorns'll make your life miserable."
"Where'd you hear that from?"
"Umm.....a little squirrel told me. "
Eventually, you're halted by what you'd call a rather repulsive stank. Covering your nostrils, you turn to the unicorn, who's got the same reaction.
"Ugh, was that YOU?!" you both gag out in unison. "Me?! It wasn't ME, it was YOU! I don't do that! I would've warned you! Stop copying me!"
A low growl bumps into your argument.
"Hush it, Anon's stomach! You don't have a say in this!"
"Star, that wasn't me..."
That putrid odor is so familiar. You just couldn't put your finger on it. Soon, you notice Starlight's eyes widen.
"We're not alone..." she whispers.
"What?"
The sound snapping and crunching of bushes and twigs grow louder and louder until a large, wooden paw sinks its claws into a thick tree and slashes a good chunk of its bark. Out of the shadows approaches one of your worst enemies....
GAS!
Yeah, that last one WAS you...
Also, four timberwolves.
"Timberwolves, WHY'D it have to be timberwolves?!" Star groans.
[Maaaaaaajor deja vu.]
"So. We meet again...Squirtle's offspring."
"You've dealt with them before?"
"Yeah."
"How'd that turn out?"
Flashback noises...
"HEEEEEEEELP!!!" you holler like a pussy.
Flash forward noises...
"A-Apparently, they still never learned their lesson."
The vicious creatures gnash their sap-covered, sharp teeth.
"Out here, Star, it's eat or be eaten."
"I am NOT eating timberwolf remains!"
One of the fearsome beasts charges towards you two with murderous intent while the rest of its pack circle in. Dorky heroics kick into maximum overdrive and you charge as well, closing distance as the foolish wolf lunges at you.
"Only you can prevent forest FURRIES!"
You uppercut the hunk of firewood in the jaw, sending its head rolling into the bushes.
"Always wanted to do tha- AH! Got a splinter, UGH!" you wince. Out of nowhere, the headless monster tackles you to the dusty ground, crushing the life out of you under its massive weight. Before it goes to slash your throat, a blinding beam of light-blue magic obliterates it to bits. The remains of the creature tumble upon you as you see a cocky Starlight, horn sizzling.
"I feel like THIS is better target practice!" she says triumphantly.
"Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!"
Two timberwolves come running at you on both sides and decide to cheap shot you by pouncing all at once. They think they can corner you on a cliff.
You retaliate with a leap...
"Wax ON,-"
And deal a devastating split kick to their muzzles, making it rain lumber.
"-Wax OFF, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come on, Star! Gimme your best battle banter!"
The unicorn demolishes the last wolf. "U-Um, let me see......time to give you a BLAST.....from the past?"
"Eh, could use a little wor-"
Suddenly, an ominous, green glow flashes on the fallen beasts' shattered leftovers. On the spot, they slowly reform back into their towering selves.
"Come ON, that's not fair!"
"Anon, look out!"
A frantic Glimmy blasts a beam that narrowly grazes your head. You turn to see another headless timberwolf rocking side to side before it tumbles down the cliff.
"Wow. Nice shot, Sta- AH!!!"
What you failed to realize, however, is that the wolf's prickly tail has snagged your shirt and roughly takes you down with it.
"ANON!!!"
The rocky cliff wears you and the wooden creature out as it falls to pieces with every impact on the way down below. Eventually, you land HARD on your back atop a pile of jagged planks.
"Urghhhhhh, my SCAPULA!!!"
A few blasting sounds and flying tree bark later and your pal rushes to the edge to look over you. "Anon, are you alright?!" she calls worriedly.
"Yeah, yeah I'm good, this TOUGH and STURDY pile of wood here broke my fall!"
The unicorn poofs down to your side.
"Can you get up?"
"I'll- URGH, try."
You struggle to stand on your feet while Starlight loudly winces.
"What?! Is it my spine?!"
"No, no. Don't worry. You just have a few....splinters. Let me get that......3....2....1..."
"GAWD!!!" you cringe at the 'few' splinters being yanked off your back.
"SWEET CELESTIA!!!"
"Almost done..."
"SUGAR HONEY ICED TEA!!!"
"Just a few more..."
"THERE'S A BEACH!!!"
"Done."
"How many WERE there?!"
You turn to see hundreds of wooden shards piled up before you.
"Dear God..."
"Anon, look! A beach! And there's FOOD!"
"That's what I- seriously, THAT many?!"
You're plucked off the ground and carried by Glimmy's magic onto the peaceful beach. Cool waves gracefully sloshing about, soft sand crunching under the mare's hooves, seagulls are squawking and there's a vast ocean view that's a sight to behold. Star sits you down and examines a bulky, wooden crate with a withered fruit logo.
"We did it, Anon!"
"I gotta say, we are legen-, wait for it..."
"..."
".......-DARY!"
"Buck YEAH, we are!"
"Now, let's eat."
"Way ahead of y-"
Starlight pauses after she pulls the lid off with her magic, eyes bigger than the moon.
"What? What is it?"
You peek into the crate.
Inside is a little, light-yellow baby unicorn colt wrapped in a purple blanket sleeping soundly. He lets out a cute yawn and stretches before waking up babbling and smiling.
"Oh-"
"-boy."
Author's Note
Chapter 9: The Game Plant
"This isn't real, this CAN'T be real! It's TOTALLY real, HOW is this real?!" Starlight babbles, frantically pacing around trying to rationalize how this is, if you haven't caught it the first million times, NOT happening. All while you're watching the giddy baby roll around in the crate. "What is a little colt like him doing here?! There's another MOUTH to feed here and we still don't have any FOOD!"
"Yeah. No food at all..." you mutter, leaning into the crate, lightly licking the baby's horn.
"Anon!"
"Just kidding! Just kidding.....mostly."
"Bah!" the colt squeals happily.
"What's that?" you ask.
"Bah!"
"Hey, I am NOT silly!"
"Wait, you can UNDERSTAND him?" Starlight asks, shocked.
"A little. My Baby-ese is a little rusty. When you hang out with Pinkie and the Cake twins, you tend to pick up a thing or two."
"Does he know where his parents are?"
"No go. I've learned it the hard way that it's difficult to actually COMMUNICATE with these li'l rugrats. Short attention spans, ya know?"
"Can you at least TRY it?"
"Fine." you sigh. "Uhhh......boobah hub, I think it goes."
"Bawki!" he babbles, blowing spit bubbles.
"What'd he say?"
"He says.....'I like bubbles' ."
"Aw-gah."
"Agreed, NOT as good as the soap kind."
"Well, what are we gonna call him for the time being?"
You ponder on the name choices. "How 'bout Jack?"
The baby stares blankly at you.
"Horace?"
No response.
"Ta-"
"Anon, there is no way in TARTARUS you are gonna call this little one-"
"TASERFACE!!!"
"Bleh!" he gags.
"I've got nothing, then. But we'll find a good name for ya. Whataya say?"
The drooling colt blows a raspberry.
"THAT'S the spirit."
Suddenly, he rocks around in his crate, laughing and giddily clapping his hooves.
"What, you like that name? Spirit?"
"Sappa!"
"He says he likes it."
"Who knew babies were such name critics?" Star chuckles. "Spirit's a nice name."
Spirit's cute laughter is stopped by a wee grumble in his baby belly.
"You too, eh?" you huff.
"Nyah!" he whines.
"We don't have any milk or formula on us at the moment, afraid we're out of luck at the moment. Any ideas, Sta- Starlight?"
You notice your ~~cuddly~~ pal has vanished.
"Up here!"
High in the sky floats the unicorn mare, carrying herself in her magic.
"See anything?" you ask as she descends.
"I think I saw a hut not too far from here."
"Think it's legit?"
"It BETTER. If it's all a fluke, I am going to LOSE it."
"It's alright, Glim. Let's just take a moment to chill."
*CLICK*
"What is this?"
"Little River Band. Music's chill pill." you state matter of factly.
The stubborn mare turns off the player and tosses it aside. "Now's not the time for jamming, Anon. Now's the time for SUR-VIV-ING, got it?" she growls, magically placing the crate and baby in your arms.
"Roger, chief."
You then see the sneaky squirt holding your player in his juicy jaws. "Hey, give me THAT. Just know that I don't expect any dirty diapies from YOU, ya got it little mister?"
The slobbery infant crawls up and licks you across the nose.
"I guess I deserve that."
"Hee hee..."
"And your dear auntie Dashie likes to brag about how her below average rainbooms brought auntie Twily and the others together."
"Eeyah!" Spirit yaps.
"Gotta admit, they're still pretty impressive." Star states.
Soon, an evil smirk forms across your face.
"But before ALL that can happen, a time-travelling unicorn RIPS the fabric in ti-"
A rock colliding with the back of your head silences you. "A-And that's how Equestria was made, little one..."
"That's what I thought." Starlight huffs.
Eventually, the three of you find a tree-like hut located in a pretty serene part of the forest. Nice, sturdy wooden walls, roof made of grade-A hay, and an ENORMOUS garden in front of the quiet little home.
Kinda looks like Mother Nature's shed.
In the center of the extravagant garden is a plump, orange fruit dangling from a thin vine.
"FOOD!" Star exclaims.
"Woah, hold your horse.....I-I mean WAIT!" you stutter, stopping the galloping mare in her tracks. "This could belong to someone, ya know. Don't you think we should, like, ASK first?"
"Sorry, hunger makes ya do CRAZY stuff."
"Yeah, let me ask before you see me as food."
"Alright, Almond."
"Say huh?"
"I-I said alright, ANON."
Carrying Spirit, you approach the smooth, brown door and give a few light knocks.
Silence...
You knock again....still nothing.
"I don't think anyone's home, Gli- GLIMMY!"
"Calm down, I'm just....ADMIRING the look of this....irresistible fruit." she states, staring crazily close at the plant.
Suddenly, the shiny fruit violently jitters about in front of the unicorn before spewing thick, orange dust dead straight into her eyes. Your poor pal writhes in pain on the ground in her futile attempts to wipe off the stuff.
"Starlight!"
As you rush to your fallen friend's aid, a large, leafy-green vine bursts from the dirt, knocking the three of you back. You carry the crate in the woods and lay it out of the vine's reach. "Spirit, are you alright?!"
"Naga!" the baby whines, taking cover under his blanket.
Out of nowhere, the plant yanks you by the ankle and shakes you around the air like a rattle.
"H-Hey, you don't have to do this, planty...thing! Your wiggly appearance would be GREAT for hent-AH!"
The aggressive thing slams you against the ground.
[HOW CAN YOU COMMUNICATE WITH A PLANT?! Wait a sec....]
"Uhhhh, I am Groot?!"
The plant slams you down even HARDER and proceeds to STRANGLE you. "Was it something I SAAAID?!" you croak. "Augh, Star! A little HELP here?!?!"
"I- *cough* I'm TRY- *cough* -ING!!!" she gags, blindly blasting her magic willy nilly, miles away from the attacker with her red eyes closed shut.
Everything's growing dark as the vine's tough grip tightens around your throat. Spirit's helpless wails echo in the back of your mind while your eyelids grow heavy...
Growing....growing....growing...
"MR. JAMMERS, STOP!!!"
Your eyes shoot open and you notice a greenish-gray mare with a dark green mane and a striped beige sweater down below, charging into action. "BAD!!! BAD, YOU PUT HIM DOWN, NOW!!!"
The plant suddenly loosens his grip on your neck and eventually lays you on the ground. You cough and gag as you try desperately to catch your breath.
"Did I get it?!" Glim Glam grunts, continuing her aimless shots. "Anon, are you there?!"
"Starlight, you- *cough*, can stop now!"
"Huh, wha? Where are you? I can't see!"
"OMC OMC OMC, I am SO sorry!"
You're soon held down by the worried green mare, who dramatically examines your battered body.
"I'm good, I just need to- YOUCH!!!"
A sharp pain shows up on your arm until it immediately fades away in a snap. You raise your shoulder and see a long, skinny thorn laced with a purple liquid on it.
"W-Whaaat is this?" you slur.
"I-It's a muscle relaxer. I-I call it lazy lavender." the embarrassed mare stammers, pulling the thorn out.
[Whoa, I......I'm trippin' balls here!]
Your savior gallops over to the blind unicorn and dabs a soaked rag on her teary eyes, washing away the crust.
"Sweet relief, THANK you. What is that sprayer thingy?"
"T-That's a aureus pulvis, commonly called the 'Orange Duster' . It spews a pollen-like dust when they're threatened. Ponies tend to mistake it for f-fruit."
[Nature's pepper spray.....nice.]
"Again, I am REALLY sorry for all of this."
"It's totally fine, no need to APOLOGIZE." you grunt, struggling to stand on your heavy legs. "Name's Anon. This is Starlight and-"
Soon, you notice your hand feels moist and warm. "And the little goober snacking on me at the moment is Spirit.
"Eeyah!" the little one squees.
"He says it's nice to meet you, Miss...."
"O-Oh, I'm......Wahfurerbluh ." she mutters, failing to make eye contact.
"I'm sorry, what was that? I think I still have dirt in my ear....and in other places."
"W-Wallflower Blush."
"Augh, God I'm dying."
"Anon, you're not dying." Starlight sighs.
"This is it for me, Star."
"Well, if you were 'dying' , any regrets?"
"Only one."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, and it's been with me ever since I came to Equestria: why, oh, why didn't I take the BLUE pill?"
"Anon, you're lucky I like your goofiness."
"Ahyuck, that's me."
"Alright, the little one's been fed and I...made some extras if you want it."
Both of you see Wallflower carrying Spirit on her back and towing a wagon of three colorful jars in her mouth. You notice Spirit has small, red splotches on his face, which the little colt plays around with on his hooves.
"What is that stuff?" Starlight asks in bewilderment.
"Just a few jars of jam....t-that is, if you want-"
The ravenous unicorn greedily poofs a jar in her hooves and shoves her face in it without a second thought, slurping away at the treat.
"Yeaaaah, we'll take 'em." you sheepishly say. "Where'd you get this much?"
"From Mr. Jammers."
You flinch as the towering vine slinks beside you.
"And he has something he has to say, don't you?"
The large plant falls limp at your feet. Not knowing what to DO, you lift one of his leaves and shake it. "Um.....it's okay, I....forgive you...?" you utter in confusion. "Mr. Jammers?"
"He's a 'Vinea Baca' : the berry vine."
On the spot, the overgrown root grows an abnormally plump blueberry and plops it in your palm. Your taste buds are savagely beaten into submission as you take a huge bite outta the tangy fruit.
"I mostly make special jams from the fruit he produces, hence the name: 'Mr. Jammers' ."
"Cool. You really know your plants."
"Gotta give it to him," Starlight mutters, mouth full. "He sure can make some quality jam. Mmm...."
"T-Thank you. Do you maybe w-wanna come inside, or something? You two look like you've been through alot."
You look behind you and see a long rip in the back of your shirt. "Oh, you have NO idea."
Later that evening...
The whole atmosphere of Wallflower's humble little home has constantly made you feel like you've stumbled upon Tree Hugger's wet dream. Every single corner of the place was filled head to hoof with flowers, plants, bushes and all sorts of vines that make up most of her comfy furniture.
"So, what brings you all this far...here ?"
"We have no ide- UUUURRRP!!! " your pal belches. "Ooh, excuse me."
"We.....took an unexpected trip, to say the least, and we're trying to find a way back."
"That's ONE way of putting it- BURP! "
"Since then, we've had to deal with this little monster, isn't that right?"
"Taga bah!" Spirit babbles.
"Where do you live?"
"We live in- URRRP! Ponyville."
[Jesus, how much is left IN there?! That's her THIRD jar!]
The shy mare's eyes widen.
"P-Ponyville?" she stammers in a look of disbelief which immediately goes back to calm and collective. "Well, I hate to say that you three are going in the wrong direction."
Starlight stops her rabid inhaling and turns to you with a grape jam-covered look of annoyance.
"So my plan didn't go COMPLETELY as planned......don't judge me Glimmy, eat your jam!"
"Gladly- OM NOM NOM NOM!"
"Ooga eega!"
"Hm, what's that?"
"Ooga eega!"
"I'm SURE it's good, Spirit. But you're not gonna see me going crazy over-"
The little colt slings a dollop of jam onto your lips. "Mmm, is this cherry?"
"Haga!" he responds, sucking his red, sticky hooves once more.
"Nice."
"Ugh, Mr. Hex, what are you doing in the sunlight?" Wallflower says sternly, placing a potted honeysuckle plant into the sun's ray. "Do you WANT to end up like Mr. Wilton?"
"You.....talk to your plants?"
"These aren't just 'PLANTS' here, they're my friends. This is Mr. Hex, he's a honeysuckle. Over there's Mrs. Belle, she's a bellflower..."
[She's caraaaaaazaaaay.....]
"And you've already met Mr. Jammers."
Your back POPS as you turn to the thick vine tickling a giggling Spirit.
"I guess we should thank him for leading us to somepony who knows these woods like the back of her hoof." Starlight states. "
"What can I say, nature's my passion."
"With your knowledge, we'll be home in no time."
"W-Wait, you want M-ME to guide you?! I-I don't know if that's such a good idea, I don't do so well in crowd- I-I mean it's DANGEROUS OUT THERE!"
"We've dealt with MUCH worse." the unicorn states.
"Yeah, trust us." you wince looking at the battle scars on your back.
"I-I can't, I.......have to water my plants, y-yeah."
Before she gives you two the chance to speak, she trots over to the far corners of the room with a watering can, awkwardly feeding her 'friends' .
"Well, THERE goes our way out." Star huffs.
"Don't worry, I got this."
"There isn't a moment where you say 'Don't worry' and it DOESN'T follow with something bad happening." she whispers matter of factly. "And HOW are you gonna convince her?"
"Maybe a wink, a seductive nod...or maybe a glimpse of these taut, athletic buns. She'll have no CHOICE but to help us. Easy pray, I say."
"Heh, good luck with that."
You strut towards the reclusive mare and strike a 'I think I just sharted' pose, flaunting ALL of your.........assets.
"Hey, think you could help a guy ou- OUCH!"
"Got a splinter in your leg." Wallflower muffles, spitting out the little wooden prick and continues 'watering' her flowers.
You waddle back to the unicorn, who's on the verge of laughing her flank off.
"Don't say a word." you hiss.
"Your 'BUNS' could use a tune-up." she snickers. "Hey, you still have SOME amount of dignity left. And at least you've got your health."
"Wow, that's low."
"What is?"
"The 'health' crack."
"All I meant was-"
"I know what you meant, that was PITY talking. You don't tell somebody that they 'still have their health' unless what you mean is that's ALL they've got."
"Ugh, forget I said anything, Anon."
"No I'm not gonna forget what you said. You told me I had good health and I'm not gonna take that."
"Anon, you're a goof."
"Yeah, well it's too late to flatter me. Besides, I have a backup plan."
You stand back up, stretch out every joint in your body in preparation and lunge headfirst in front of the earth pony's hooves, hands clamped together and desperation in your eyes. "Please, oh PLEASE, can you help us?!"
"I-I don't think it's safe..."
"Aw, come on, Wally! L-Listen, I have NEVER begged this much for ANYTHING in my life!"
Starlight loudly clears her throat.
"Shush, you!"
"I'm sorry, I-I just can't..."
Nervous, Wally B. puts her can away, crawls in a cozy looking hammock made of vines and turns away from you all. You creep over to her side and face her.
"Come on, Wally. Do it for Spirit." you whine, holding the puppy eyed colt up to the timid mare. To up the pity meter, you open your eyes as wide as possible, looking like a drug-addicted Totoro.
"I......I don't......I can't.......UGH, fine, I'll help! Just stop looking at me like that, I don't like prolonged eye contact!"
[Check. And. Mate.]
You cockily look at your messy pal, metaphorically wiping the dust off your shoulders. She playfully rolls her eyes in response.
"I'll just pack a few things and we'll be on our way in the morning." Wally sighs. "But I'm telling you, sometimes, the wilderness never play around."
"Oh please, we can take on a pack of timberwolves with both arms tied behind our ba-"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes off into the dark and windy night.
"Hm, odd. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky." Star adds.
[Where'd THAT come from?! It's not even RAINING!]
Chapter 11: Lifting Spirits
"Sooooo why is it that Donald wears a top with no bottom whereas Mickey wears a bottom with no top?"
"Well, Wally...a duck's privates are hidden by the feathers and a mouse's is.....eh, need I say more?" you state.
"Through all the stuff you've been telling me, Anon, does he ever actually FLY? If he could sing karaoke, shouldn't he at LEAST have the ability of flight?"
"Starlight, I guess he lost his ability to fly while in the navy or something, I don't know. I told you it's nothing to really look deep into!"
It's been a while since the four of you have taken this 'treacherous' journey of average proportions at the crack of dawn. And at the moment, ToonTown, once again, cannot be comprehended by the oh, so ignorant unicorn pal of yours.
"I'm telling you, it's not rocket science."
"I think it's kinda silly....i-in a good way, I mean."
"See?! Wallflower here gets it!"
"Kaga!"
"Spirit, you are NOT a duck."
"Oh Anon, let him be a duck. Who's a cute little duck? YOU are, YOU are." Glimmy coos.
"Ack, ack!" the colt squawks loudly.
"Fine, you can be a duck."
[Just pray it's wabbit season.]
Soon, you stumble across an incredibly wide log blocking the dirt path ahead.
"Ah, would you look at that, a road block." Wally sighs in 'disappointment'. "Well, we better turn back and-"
You rush over to one side of the barricade. Spirit babbles cheerfully as you slowly lift the obstacle with all of your might, eventually flipping the log over to the other side and flexing your flabby muscles in triumph. "I have the POWAHHHHHHH- AUGH, my back!!!"
"H-How.....w-with the.....and t-the......"
"Long story short, Wally: a portal has something to do with it."
"Darn it."
"Hm, you seem to have gotten stronger, huh?" Starlight asks.
"Yup, Bulk hooked me up with a membership a few weeks back. I remember doing about 25 in the pool almost every day."
"Laps?"
"No, cannonballs."
"I shoulda known." the unicorn snickers. "I don't think that'll work for you if you keep stuffing your face on the daily."
"Now, that is not true."
"Anon, you order the 'Feeding Frenzy Special' for TWO every time we go to Windy's."
"At least he ordered two for-"
"Oh, those two were for HIM, Wallflower. I had to constantly swat him away each time he tries to swipe my dish as well."
"Those were terrible times, being swatted at like some sort of flea-bitten creature." you say, scratching your neck.
Suddenly, the sound of dirt crumbling grows louder and louder from behind. Apparently, someone must've taken that wrong turn at Albuquerque because a long mound of dirt is creeping closer towards you all. There, Wallflower turns around and stare daggers at the mound. "I thought I told you to stay home!" she barks.
The dirt stops in its tracks and out of the soil rose Mr. Jammers.
"No, I said it was too dangerous! I already said you can't come. Go back home, now."
The tall thing hangs in shame before sinking back into the ground.
"Wait." you stop him. "Maybe he can help us. You know, supply us with food or something."
Mr. Jammers' large leaves clap in excitement as he pats you on the head.
"He's a rare specimen, he's never been this far from home. H-He's-"
"A grown plant who can take care of himself. The flower must bloom eventually. Do it for your bud ."
The peeved mare drops her head and sighs. "Fine, he can come too. But we're having a serious conversation young vine."
".......that was pretty bad, Anon."
"Yeah, I know, Glim."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I just wanna tell you......where is my super sui- UGH, this is stupid!"
You and the others took a break in an open field so that Wallflower can berate the large plant. Right now, you're resting against a tree with Spirit, trying to come up with some witty pick-up lines in the dirt...
And you know how well THAT is turning out.
"Okay, let's try this again: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm dtf......what about yo- FART NUGGET!" you exclaim, burying your face into your hands. You look up and see your greedy pal in the distance gobbling away at her FOURTH jar under the shade of a tall tree. You sigh and lay beside the baby's crate, staring at the cloudy sky.
"Spirit, do you think I have a chance with Star?"
The little colt sticks his head out and spits up a little jam on the ground.
"Thanks for the encouragement. Though, why am I asking you? You don't understand a word I'm saying, do ya?"
"Tuga-ee." he coos, rocking his crate over to its side. Spirit crawls on top of you and playfully bounces on your stomach like a freshly made mattress.
"Hey, hey! What are you doing? My belly is NOT for bouncing."
"Ba-yah!"
"No, no, no. We're gonna have to set some ground rules. FIRSTLY, the only one who's getting their tummy messed with is YOURS."
You pick up the laughing baby and blow a BIG raspberry against his tummy, causing the little one to burst into hysterical giggles as he tries desperately to escape your grasp. Spirit claps his wee hooves.
"You think that's funny now, huh?"
"Gabaha!" he squeals in delight.
"Well, better brace yourself for THIS ."
Laying the baby on his back, you deal a devastating assault of perpetual tickles. Spirit bursts into absolutely adorable laughter, flailing around before breaking your hold of him and frantically crawling behind the tree.
"Hmmmm......where, oh where did that little pony go?"
You hear him snickering behind the tree.
"Could he be......HERE ?"
Behind the tree, there's nothing in sight.
"Oh.....well could he be right HERE ?"
Still nothing. There, you see a little shaking bump under Spirit's purple blanket.
"He must've turned invisible or something. I have absolutely no ide-AH HA!!!"
You dive for the cover and nab the sneaky kid from under, toppling around on the ground as you capture the mini monster.
"GOTCHA!"
"Ahhhh-heehee!"
"Gooooing UP."
You toss the colt a little in the air and catch him.
"Ah, ah!"
"You wanna go again? Gooooing UP."
You toss Spirit a little higher and catch him again. "Gooooing UP!"
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......"
His cheerful cries fade away.
"Where'd you go?"
"Eeyah!" a voice echoes above you.
Up at the tip of the tall tree hangs the happy horse, diaper snagged on the highest branch.
"Enjoying yourself up there?"
"Ahahaha!"
"Ya know, you seem to think every small thing is entertaining, huh? Think me having to chase your crazy flank is downright hilarious, hm? And here I am, CLIMBING this tree, risking my life saving a sneaky rugrat like you."
"Heehee."
"You can be a real goofster sometimes. But you know what.....?"
The little one continues giggling at you.
"I like you, though. You're a brave little squirt, I'll give you that."
The little unicorn starts nibbling on your thumb as you pluck him off the branch. "Aw, come on. I JUST dried that, ya little goober."
There, you set him down on his blanket...
Wait a sec.....this is a pretty tall tree. You didn't even climb down yet. Looking back, however, you notice the skinny tree bent all the way down to the colt's level.
"Oooooh, buck-"
The seemingly weak hunk of wood suddenly swings back and body slams you onto the hard ground with great force, covering your white shirt jacket in even more dirt and leaves. Spirit scurries over you and grabs a hold of your shirt and starts gumming it to oblivion. "Mmmgah!"
"Y-Yeah, I like you t-too..."
Later that night...
The five of you set up camp for the night surrounding a small, yet brightly lit fire, courtesy of Wally and Mr. Jammers, who already decided to call it a night. At the moment, your little scamp is hanging from your arms with foalish glee and an endless dose of energy.
"Sweet CELESTIA, Spirit, are you still going?!"
"Try- UGH, shoo! Try a lullaby." Starlight grunts, swatting at bugs five feet away from her.
"I'm not the singing type, you know that, right?"
"Wouldn't hurt to try- AWAY WITH YOU!"
"I'll try."
You clear your throat and hold the hyped horse eye-level with you.
"Close your eyes, shut your mouth Dream a dream and get us ou-"
"Anon! Anything but THAT will do, thanks."
"Mr. Walkman, do your thing."
As the song plays, Spirit's shining eyelids start to collapse.
"Are you ready for nap nap this time?"
"Ah...nah." he coos drowsily.
"D-Did you just try to say 'Anon'?"
"Ah......mmm..." the cuddly colt yawns, warmly curling up on your lap and sucking his hoof as he begins to softly snore.
"Anon, are you crying?" Starlight asks.
"N-No, I'm fine, Glimmy. P-Pollen gets me teary eyed." you sniffle.
"There's no pollen around for miles here." Wally states, climbing in her vine hammock.
"W-Well I'm allergic to something, okay?!"
Starlight grabs the baby's blanket and sits beside you as she carefully wraps the tired thing up nice and snug and lays him back in your lap. "Well, you're stuck there." she adds.
"What do you mean?"
"When a little foal's on you, you're required by baby LAW not to move."
"Hey, if I'm going down..."
Spirit's head inches over and rests upon the unicorn's lap.
"So are you."
"Seriously?!" she whispers in anger. "Ugh, fine."
And so, you lay back and snuggle with your pal and your ~~son~~ little buddy huddled up together. All as one big, happy......group of odd individuals...
"Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee!"
"I don't wanna. Five more minutes....zzzzzz....damn alarm clock."
"AGAH!"
"I'm up! I. Am. UP!" you jolt awake, startling the drowsy unicorn snuggled up beside you.
"H-Huh, w-what time is it?" she slurs, blindly waving her hooves at the air.
Your eyes adjust to the blinding sun and you see a chipper Spirit hopping in between you and the mare.
"Alright. We're awake, ya goofy alarm clock."
"Ah-Nah!"
"Morning, you three."
Mr. Jammers slips over and carries the baby aside as you see Wallflower putting out the low fire. "If we move now, we'll be there by nightfall." she states.
"Good, I cannot WAIT to be back in Ponyville." Starlight sighs. "First thing I'm gonna do is take a nice, relaxing bath and get rid of these LEAVES in my hair."
"I kinda see this as a much needed, albeit ROUGH, vacay." you add.
"Yeah, nothing like nearly getting devoured by timberwolves, falling down cliffs and dealing with bothersome bugs."
"Hey, beats being stalked, Star."
"Anon, for the LAST time, you're being paranoid. There's no way Lyra is 'plotting to kidnap you' or anything."
"Say that to the missing tooth in the back of my mouth!"
"That was from when you called Rainbow a chicken."
"That creep came to the crime scene for the remains long after the fact."
"Mata!"
"Oh, don't you start too, little guy. You don't even have ANY yet. Pal, if I'm lying, may I be struck by lightning."
A jagged, red arrow grazes your head and pierces the tree behind you, slowly burning its bark to ash.
"Ha, I was right!"
"Um, Anon...?"
All of you are distracted by the creeping sound of metal clanging around you in the gloomy forest. Starlight trots over and yanks the arrow out to examine it.
"What is it?" you ask.
"Some sort of fire crystal thingy. I've never seen anything like this befo-"
Another arrow strikes, barely missing you both.
You two look deeper into the woods to find the source. There, emerges a brutish grey diamond dog wearing shiny, steel armor. Out of nowhere, the mangy mutt let's out a loud howl that echoes through the woods which soon follows by clanking marches in the distance. Soon, more and more armored dogs begin showing up around every direction, closing in on the five of you carrying spears, rope, bows, arrows and a tall, brown cage-like cart laced with metal.
[I'm not gonna say it...]
"Mr. Jammers, BURY!"
The alert vine follows his master's orders and quickly dives underground in a flash as the armored dogs continue their pursuit before bursting from the ground, sending the ruffians flying. Mr. Jammers dips and dodges their puny, fiery arrows and spears and starts flinging away any dog in sight.
"Be careful, Mr. Jammers!" Wally yells.
The moment of triumph is cut short when an arrow strikes the poor plant in the roots, followed by an onslaught of spears cutting his body.
"MR. JAMMERS!!!"
Wilting and flailing about, a helpless Mr. Jammers is caught in the dogs' ropes and forcibly held down.
"Anon, we have to do something!"
"Way ahead of ya, Star!"
Starlight poofs in front of the group of dogs surrounding the plant and repels them far with a powerful dome of magic as you ka-rah-tay any that dare face against you. The unicorn starts blasting her magic like a trigger happy sniper trying to shoot a fly, wiping the floor with any beast within ten feet of her as you finish the "leftovers".
As you give one of the dogs the harshest noogie in Equestria, you spot a devastated Wallflower frantically rushing over to the fallen plant where a metal collar is suddenly flung and tightly clings to the mare's neck.
"Wallflow- AUGH!" You drop the dog as one of the same collars chokes you as it clamps around your throat before the mysterious device sends a surge of electricity that shocks you into submission. Starlight gets knocked to the ground by the same shock collar before your eyes as you're mercilessly getting your ass fried. The shocking begins to cease as the dogs restrain your wrists with rusty handcuffs and dump you in their cart of doom. Soon, Spirit is dropped in your arms tied up to his neck in rope like a little cocoon.
"Waya!" he cries.
"Yeah, I know this sucks."
Your supposedly "OP" unicorn pal is suddenly tossed in beside you, forehooves cuffed together.
"Let us OUT of here!!!" She growls.
"Can't you use your magic?"
Starlight struggles to cast a spell, which seems to be blocked by the red mist surrounding her horn. Then, her collar beeps before violently shocking her.
"No go, huh?"
"Urgh, NOW what are we gonna do?!"
One of the dogs plops Wally in as well and slams the metal lid of the cart, sealing it down tight. "LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU MONSTERS!" She barks. "MR. JAMMERS! GET UP, PLEASE!!!"
The dying plant weakly waves at her before collapsing, lifeless. You could practically see the blind hatred in Wally's eyes as the cart begins rolling away from the scene. Before you could get a chance to comfort her, she dashes towards the wall, sticking her head out of the cart. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US, YOU BEASTS?!?!"
"RUFF!" a dog barks in her face before clearing his throat. "Sorry. Me had biscuits early. Too dry for tastes."
"You can talk?" you ask astounded.
"Of course."
"Occasionally."
"Time to time."
"Ruff!"
"Uh, except Ruffo. He not speak often."
"Well, may I ask why you wanted to cage us like wild dog.........I-I mean, animals?"
"It not what we want. It what Lead Dog want. Orders."
"Lead Dog?"
"You ask too many questions."
"Ruff!"
"Alright, alright. I'll zip my lip."
"BAH dah!"
"Yeah, BAD dogs."
Your rear is completely numb at this point. It felt like FOREVER since you four have been captured and taken away to Celestia knows where and it's really unpleasant. Frustrated, you lay back with a sigh as you're all carried through a dim, dank, stank cavern. Starlight's struggling to get out of her restraints, Spirit's trying to EAT his restraints and Wallflower's in the corner, too heartbroken to lift her head.
At the moment, you're just thinking about sled dogs, thinking that life is like a team of them. Because if you're not the lead dog, the only view is another dog's ass...
Is that what the universe had in store for you? Nothing but dog ass?
YOU used to be the lead dog.
Everybody looked at your ass. :'(
Eventually, your existential thoughts are halted as a frightened Spirit squeals and buries himself into your chest as a bat flies by.
"Hey, hey. It's fine." you say, rubbing his mane. "Nothing to be scared of, they're just the harmless chicken of the cave."
"Kee-paw-choo?"
"The what?" Starlight asks.
"Chicken of the cave."
"You mean the bats? NOPONY calls them 'chicken of the cave', Anon."
"Whatchu talkin' about, Glimmy? Of course they do."
"Most silly thing I hear from ears." one dog remarks.
"Ridiculous."
"Utterly backwards."
"Ruff!"
"Uncultured swines." you mutter.
"Whatever. Spirit, the mean BATS won't hurt you."
"Chicken of the cave."
Soon, you're all bathed in an eerie, red light as the cart rolls out of the cave and over a rocky bridge miles above a boiling lake of LAVA. There at the end lies a tall, spiky gate guarded by two diamond dogs who open the metal doors and revealing a vast yet dusty, smelly town that houses the shadiest folk you'll ever see. Nothing but your usual rat infestations, dark red skies, worn out buildings, weapon vendors and not a speck of vegetation in sight, unless the pungent smell of rotten rutabaga says otherwise.
"Where are we?"
"Bone City." one of the dogs state.
"Looks....cozy." asks a hesitant Star.
"Yeah. If you're Hannibal bucking Lecter!" you comment.
As you're paraded through town, a gruff dog in a black cloak scurries over to Wally and wraps a necklace of expertly cut bones around her quivering neck.
"T-This isn't stolen, is it?" she asks.
"Of course not." the dog hisses. "Listen, anydog asks, I no heard of Bruiser, can't find receipt and, if run into each other on street, call me 'Harry'."
The nervous pony throws off the necklace as the shady creature rushes to parts unknown.
"Nice place ya got here." you quip.
[Norman Bates WISHES he could be this off-putting...]
Soon, a loud gong echoes in a nearby tower and you all watch as every dog rushes past and swarms a gigantic, spike-covered building up ahead.
[I'm still not gonna say it...]
"What's all this ruckus about?"
"The Killiseum. Warrior Week."
"New challengers arrives."
"Take on Alpha."
"Ruff!"
"Who're the challengers?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Your prolonged silences is starting to trouble me deep down."
"Heh heh, ruff..."
Some time later, your 'escorts' take a secret passage through the Killiseum and through a dark corridor where the sounds of barks, cheers and stomping can heard from above. The dogs finally park the cage cart, drag the four of you out and remove the rope and cuffs.
"Spirit, where's YOUR rope?"
The baby unicorn lets out a little burp.
The aggressive brute smacks you in the back with his spear and forces you down a hallway towards a gate.
"Take pony too."
"WHY ME?!" Starlight exclaims.
"Magic powerful. Entertainment. Ape strong too." the dog says, forcing her to walk down the hall alongside you.
The mare sits there, head down and unresponsive.
"Ah Nah!"
"Everything'll be alright, li'l bit! Actually........you take care of Wally for me, bud!"
The ceiling gets progressively louder as you both are walked to a metal gate. There, the collars loosen and fall off your necks before you're booted into the light of the packed arena. Anticipating dogs are chanting 'fresh meat' while tossing around chewed up bones all over the place. The Killiseum's floor slightly wobbles beneath your feet as all of the bridges linked to the platform retract, leaving it dangling with thick chains over a dark pit.
"What is it we're supposed to do now?" asks your pal.
"The winner takes aaaaaall, It's the thrill of one more ki- OW!"
You angrily wipe the slob from the bone that collided with your forehead. "Ew, that usually works in places like this."
Everyone's cheers silences when a short, blonde coated dog in the highest stand in the stadium wielding a tall crystal scepter scurries over to a golden gong.
"Aww, he's so adorable." you coo.
"Let it BEGIN!" the deep-voiced critter barks with a swing of the scepter.
The crowd's roars of excitement returns as the metal gates clamp shut with the exception of one, where a buff, armored dog carrying a massive, jagged club emerges. Starlight frantically uses her magic to levitate herself out of the Killiseum but runs into an invisible dome and crash lands into your arms. "UGH, must be some kind of magic barrier." she groans.
"Any OTHER ideas, professor?!"
"Yes, THIS!" the unicorn blasts a beam at the barrier, which predictably bounces back and slaps the mare in the horn and out of your arms.
"Yeah, we're going with MY plan."
"W-What's that?"
"Running away like a pussy." you snatch up your pal and dash around the arena, ducking and dodging the behemoth's club.
The crowd starts booing and hissing at your act of cowardice while you're out here tripping and slipping under tossed bones. Alpha's guffawing at your retreat and starts mocking your puny size as he continues chasing you two, swinging his weapon around.
"Any MAGIC in there, pal!" you pant.
"I-I'm a bretty pallerina!" the unicorn slurs, giddly waving her hooves. That blast really did a number on her.
Suddenly, you trip over a large t-bone and hit the ground and dropping the blabbering pony, the monstrous dog catching up to you. "I don't think I can DO THIS, STAR!!!" you yelp out of breath.
"I believ-ies in you, Anonny, you are the strong-er-est." she grumbles.
You're filled to the brim with confidence and you slam your forehead HARD on the rugged floor, barely affecting it.
"You're not THAT strong-er-est, Anonny!"
"....ow." you whisper.
You duck under the dog's swing and cower to the other side of the arena with Silly Glimmy, shielding her from harm.
"Juuust do it yourrrrr waaaay, pally pal!"
The words 'your way' echo in your head. How WOULD you do it your way?
Confidence starting to return, you to reach by your side as the Alpha slowly approaches. "Let's dance, Muttley."
The overgrown brute watches in confusion while you twist around him doing the 'Malfunctioning Robot'. "Yeah, you're scared, aren't ya? Afraid you ain't got the moves?"
"URGH, Alpha SMASH gyrating fool!" the beast grunts.
"And Anon SERVES overgrown poodle!" you grunt back. "Kickin' it off with a little Mikey J. and little MC 'Hyewmun'. Am I over he- NOPE, over here. Now watch me bring it back with a-"
"ENOUGH!!!"
You put your years of jamming to the absolute test, break dancing circles around the annoyed dog as he struggles to squish you with his club.
Power to the puny people!
"Impressive. The dancing ape is on FIRE out there!" says the short dog's voice blaring through speakers. "What do you say we give the newcomers here a WARM Bone City welcome and-"
"TURN. UP. THE. HEAT!!!" the audience chants.
On cue, the dark, seemingly endless pit below suddenly lights up with LAVA, which slowly rises towards the surface. The cheers become more ravenous and the situation has become more DANGEROUS. You notice that the floor's starting to feel-
"Ah!" Starlight yelps, dancing around. "That is HOT!"
Seeing the now sane mare hopping around, you get an idea.
"Maybe we can use that to our advantage!" you say as you pick the pony up by the hooves, a smile forming on her face as she catches onto your intentions. You lead her into a hot tango-like performance before the entire arena as the song continues on.
"You're pretty quick on your feet, Anon!" Glimmy giggles.
"Well, when your escaping a huge mongrel on a rickety rock platform dangling over a rising lake of LAVA, sometimes you HAVE to be quick." you shrug.
Starlight laughs in your embrace as you dip and swing past the dog's sluggish assaults. You two notice he's losing steam as he starts staggering about.
"What's the matter, Alf? Did we throw off your groove?" you holler.
Exhausted, the dog falls to his fists. "Give.....Alpha.....minute..." he gasps.
Little did the mutt know that he was exactly where you want him to be and by the smirk on Glimmy's face, she had the same idea.
"Ready, Anon?"
"BORN ready, pal."
With swift, magical strength, Starlight spins and slings you across the arena like a living projectile. You soar through the air yelling a triumphant "HAY-DOOOOOOKEN!!!" before dealing a earth-shattering swipe kick to the brute's scarred nose. Alpha howls in pain as he hits the ground harder than a fallen tree...
And creates a large crack in the corner of the ground.
As quick as a flash, you dive for your helpless opponent and grab his large paw seconds before the portion of the ground crumbles and plummets, earning another round of boos and hisses with a side order of chewed up bones.
"Why save Alpha?" Alpha grunts in confusion.
Starlight cheers proudly and uses her magic to pull you both away from the cliff while the audience gags. Before things could get nastier, the tiny dog up in the stand scurries to the gong and whacks it with his staff, silencing the flabbergasted crowd.
There, a group of guards roughly drag you and your partner away.
"Did I do something wrong, Glim? I feel like I've done something wrong."
"I don't know," Starlight whispers. "but you were AWESOME out there.
"No, YOU were awesome." you chuckle, playfully shoving the mare who retaliates.
After a long walk through a damp corridor, you both are taken into a sleek, shockingly sophisticated room with soft, comfortable looking pillows, honestly skilled decor and ACTUAL clean, running water.
"Ah, there's my two main stars!"
You see the shrimpy pup from the stadium hop into a tall guard's paw and carried towards Starlight. "Apologies for the....rough welcome."
[That's an understatement.]
"A....POWERFUL lady such as yourself deserves the highest quality of........treatment." the dog pants, lightly licking the unicorn's hoof. "Call me Fang."
"S-Starlight. Starlight Glimmer." she hesitantly greets with a look of minor disgust.
"Better put some antiseptic on that before it festers." you hiss.
The slimy canine turns to you and towers over you with the large guard's support. "Oh ho, and let's not forget our BIG star......."
He's clearly waiting for an answer.
This city's ruler seems to be on the merciful side for the most part. You should just keep your cool, show some respect and make it outta here alive...
But then you stopped and thought to yourself:
YOU'RE the Lead Dog.
Arms crossed, you stomp towards the pooch who's eye-level with you.
"I am Anonymous," you state boisterously. "And if you don't let us go with your skin tone, milk bone, Google chrome, garden gnome, Sylvester Stallone, Flintstones, x and y chromosome, monochrome, friend zone, dimmadome, auto zone looking self, I will smack the shih tzu outta you!"
Judging by the pained look on Starlight's face, that might not have been your best move. Surprisingly, the pipsqueak bursts into laughter and pats you on the head. "The BAD boy type, I see." he snickers. "I LOVE it, love the attitude, that's good for the fans. Miss Glimmer, it would be a blast if I gave you a tour of my kingdom, if you wish."
"Well.....I guess it wouldn't hurt to look around a bit."
"B-But wait, you can't-"
Two spears suddenly block your path.
"Guards, escort Mr. Anonymous to our finest suite. Bring the other two down there as well." Fang dismisses with a paw.
"Suite, you say? That sounds nice right- I-I mean, LET ME GO!"
"E-Excuse me for a moment." the unicorn says, trotting up to you. "Anon, let me take this one, maybe we have potential students for the school here."
"B-But-"
"This place needs SERIOUS friendship here. I'll catch up with you later."
"This is bull dookie." you mutter, arms crossed.
But you'll manage. You can take situations like this with a grain......a HANDFUL of salt.
Chapter 14: Budding Friendship
"So WHY do you guys take orders from the chihuahua again?"
"Scepter. Full of magic." one dog says.
"Scepter make Lead Dog Smarter." the other adds. "Make Lead Dog more powerful."
[Yet he doesn't have enough magic to help HEIGHTEN his options a bit.]
Traveling through the vast halls of the enormous kingdom, the dog guards escort you to a large, expertly crafted metal door. One of them opens a countless amounts of needless locks and latches. You wait for about 3-5 minutes for them to unlock EVERY single one before the tall doors dramatically open.
Inside is a room unlike anything you've ever seen.
There are enough fluffy as buck pillows to make a SKYSCRAPER, there's fine dog-related artwork and a pretty sophisticated decΓ³r. Topped off with a fabulous view overlooking the tough and hardened city. As you step inside, mouth agape, you suddenly hear the faintest sound of water running. You run past a silky curtain and spot a waterfall gracefully rolling down into a large decorative pool. 100% fresh too.
"Make self-"
Before the dog could finish, you dive at the edge of the pool and greedily shove your head into it. Your mouth had never been so satisfied.
"-comfortable." the guard finishes.
"Mm, I-I can take it from here, fellas!" you pant, wiping the water off of your face. The guards shrug and take their leave while you continue drenching the dry, unforgiving desert that you call your tongue.
"Ah Nah!"
You lift your dripping head to see your little scamp happily waddling towards you. "Spirit!" you exclaim. "I thought I'd never see you again, squirt!"
The baby unicorn tackles and clings to your arm, giddly gumming your slightly wet sleeve to oblivion. "Wah yah!" he gurgles in excitement.
"Heh, I-I missed you too, little buddy."
"Ama!"
"What's that?"
"Ama!"
You look up and see a glum Wallflower shuffles inside as the guards pull the tall doors closed.
"I don't know, let me get her attention. Hey, Wallflower!" you call.
The sullen mare continues to ignore you, slouched over and head hanging WAY low. With a look of exhaustion and despair, she lays across a soft bench in front of the waterfall, facing away from the both of you.
Spirit let's out a little whine and starts pushing you. "What do you want me to do here?" you hiss.
"Yah!" the colt squeals, trying to push you with his wee little hooves.
"Ugh, fine."
You take a deep breath before shaking the water off your shirt and hesitantly approach the mare. The awkward silence in the room puts you a little on edge, not even the sloshing water made it any better.
Soon, you squeeze into the remaining 10% space left of bench and sheepishly look over the mare. "H-Hey." you clear your throat.
"Hey." she sighs, still staring at the waterfall.
"That, uh.........that was some crazy stuff back there, eh?"
"Yeah. Totally crazy."
[Okay, time to cut the crap.]
"Is there something wrong?"
"Why does it matter to you?" she huffs, snorting like a bull.
"I-I was just saying-"
"Oh, nothing's wrong, Anon. It's not like I just got coltnapped against my will, handled harshly or forced to leave the safety and comfort of my home to guide you all to an oblivious town or anything. Everything's. Just. PEACHY!"
[Wait, 'oblivious'?]
"You mean Ponyville? Why'd you say that? That doesn't sound like it at all."
"Because I used to LIVE there."
[What a TWIST!]
"How long ago was that?"
"Would it even matter if you knew? Nopony noticed when I came, and they never noticed when I LEFT. I lost count on how long that was."
"Strange. When I first arrived, everyone greeted me with open hooves."
"Great. At least YOU were acknowledged, I can barely keep anypony's attention."
"Do you TRY to get their attention?"
The grumpy pony looks away from you with a look of embarrassment, still silent.
"You never bothered to actually interact with anyone, did ya?" you ask. "Hey, if you're shy, I understand. But if Fluttershy could......mildly overcome her fears, surely you'll-"
"I CAN'T!!!"
A startled Spirit ducks behind your leg for protection. You notice Wally's heavy panting and grinding teeth as she continues fuming. "No matter HOW hard I try, I just can't make at least ONE friend without making it weird and awkward!"
"I'm your friend. And you didn't seem to have a hard time talking to or 'making it awkward' for me or Starlight before."
"Uh huh. You don't consider almost being strangled by one of my plants as 'awkward'?"
".........apparently?"
"URGH, why should I even try anyways?! They'll just turn their backs on me like always! Ponies look at my prized azaleas for ONE second, then move along to this 'Roseluck' girl and act like I don't exist from then on! With plants, they never judged me. They'd never abandon or forget about me. They love me for me and don't treat me like I'm...........invisible."
After a moment of silence, the heartbroken mare buries her face into hooves and starts sobbing hard like no other. Seeing a pony like her THIS hurt just tore you apart and crushed your heart to dust.
"I miss him so much." she squeals, voice cracked. "H-He was my best friend.........my only friend. I-I raised him since he was a seedling. We took care of each other and now he's......h-he's........oh, it's all my fault."
Wally ducks her head back into her hooves. Spirit slowly hops onto the bench and wraps his little hooves around the mare's sleeve. "Yahyah." he coos softly.
"W-What is he doing?" she sniffles.
You scoot closer to the confused mare and wrap her in a warm hug.
"W-What are YOU doing?"
"Hugging you." you state. "Is that a problem for you?"
"I-I.......I don't know..."
Soon, she lays her head on your shoulder and hesitantly pats your back. "I.....I-I kinda....i-it feels.....nice?"
"Of course, NO pony can resist my insanely powerful displays of affection!" you say cockily.
"I d-don't think I've ever had a hug before. I.....I like it." She chuckles, wholeheartedly returning the hug.
"I'm sorry." you say, patting her back. "He tried his best to protect you. He would've wanted you to move on. I kinda feel partially responsible here."
"I-It's okay." she stutters. "You're right."
"I'm sorry, again."
"For what?"
You kneel down and splash some water into Wally's face. She laughs, reaches down and splashes in your face with a hoof. Cackling with the pony, you both playfully shove each other around a bit.
Soon, Wallflower squeaks in surprise as you accidently push her into the pool with a big SPLASH.
"W-Wally?" you stutter sheepishly.
Nothing but bubbles hit the surface.
Suddenly, the soaked mare leaps out of the pool and roughly pulls you in with her. You kick and thrash around underwater before swimming back to the surface laughing your ass off.
The sneaky pony giggles uncontrollably as she wipes her waterlogged mane from her face.
"Well played, Wally." you gasp.
"I try."
Out of nowhere, Spirit leaps onto your head laughing. "Oh, I haven't forgotten YOU ."
You drop the squealing baby towards the pool and into your hands, shielding your face from his gleeful splashing. Eventually, your eyes widen as a thought occurs to you. You quickly reach down in the water and pull your soaked player out.
"Dang..." you groan.
"A-Anon, I am SO sorry!" Wally squeaks frantically. "I-I didn't mean to.......I-I was only trying to-"
"Gotcha!" you exclaim. "Starlight put a waterproof spell on this long ago."
You jump out of the pool and use your slippery shoes for maximum rug cutting. Spirit follows, gleefully using the floor as a slip 'n slide.
"What are you......doing?"
"Jamming out." you state.
"Is THAT what it's called nowadays?"
You pause the song and stare shocked at the jamless pony. "You got a better name?"
"I don't know. Never danced before."
Your heart stops. "You w-what?"
"I've never......danced before?"
"It's settled. One way or another, you shall DANCE!"
You try to break in some sweet moves only to throw your back out with a loud POP.
"A-A little help here?"
Wally trots over and kicks your spine. "Thanks, Anon." she sighs.
"Ugh. For what, exactly? Cheering you up?" you wince.
"For letting me buck you in the back, a real stress reliever. But thanks for that too, I guess. I needed that."
"Heh, anytime.........friend."
Author's Note
Bring it in!
Chapter 16: Monster's Inferiority
"'Not gonna get in trouble' she says..."
"YOU were the one who wanted to come in here!" Starlight hisses. "Let's just go back where we came and-"
SLAM!!!
The door slams shut, leaving very little light for you two.
"A little light, pal?" your voice echoes as you bump into something sturdy.
The unicorn's horn flickers like a cigarette lighter in the pitch black darkness and slightly lighting up the area.
There, you find yourself face-to-face with a timberwolf.
"AGAIN?! WHAT THE HAY?!?!" you two groan, backing away from the monster. Before you could face off against the creature, a trio of cockatrice waddle into the light beside it, forcing you both to shield your vision. Soon, a bugbear buzzes overhead and lands from behind, blocking the exit.
[That ain't good....]
And, why not, since the universe likes to screw you over, let's throw in a few cragadiles, a dragon, a maulwurf, flash bees and a freakin' MANTICORE that completely surround you on all sides.
"So, w-what's the plan?" Glimmy whimpers.
"I-I don't know, you have any ideas?"
"I've got nothing!"
"Wait, I got it. H-How about.....I cry uncontrollably and lose control of my bodily functions?"
"That's your PLAN?!"
"I-It's......more of a warning." you gulp.
The preying beast stalks his way towards you, lifting a paw alongside the other approaching fearsome monsters. Reacting on cartoon logic, you swiftly chop the wolf's nose clean off hollering 'THAT'S MY PURSE!!!' , stopping it in its tracks.
"I must say, that was rather RUDE." it responds. "Can some creature turn on the lights, please?"
You and Glim's jaws hit the ground hard as the wooden wolf delicately fashions a little monocle and straightens his nose out. Nearby, an orange dragon rolls his eyes and flies around every corner of the room lighting up a few lanterns with his breath, revealing the area to be a wide and vast mining area of some sort.
"Apologies if we might've startled you, I would've used the same strategy, albeit, less roughly." the timberwolf continues in a sophisticated voice, lifting up your hanging jaws. "Now, I know what you're gonna say-"
"You can TALK?!" you ask.
"HOW can you talk?!" Starlight exclaims.
"Ha, told you they'd wonder that. Carl, pay up."
A salty cockatrice screeches in anger as he tosses two flat stones into the wolf's paw.
"But, where are our manners. The name's Timothy." the polite creature shakes your quivering hand. "The moody dragon in the corner is Ash, that's the cockatrio, Carl, Claire and Cronk, there's Mortar the maulwurf-"
As the wolf continues introductions you fight to make a cohesive sentence under all the confusion.
"I-I....I'm-"
"Anonymous, was it? Miss Glimmer?"
"How did you-"
"Us former champions have heard how you beat Alpha. Bout time, I must say."
"Wait, 'FORMER' champions?"
Mortar coughs up a bunch of newspapers and spits them into your hands. On them are triumphant snapshots for each creature labeled 'Killiseum Champion' from the smallest to the largest creature.
"So you guys used to be big shots?" Starlight asks, looking over the soaked papers.
"I used to be the big shot 'round here." Ash states cockily. "That is until I lost to the twig and got dumped here."
"You're just envious of my skillful intellect." Tim boasts.
"What 'skillful intellect'? If it wasn't for Fang's brain magic, you'd be as dumb as a rock."
"Still, takes more brain than brawn."
"And yet, you're in here too."
".....touchΓ©."
"Wait, wait. 'BRAIN magic'?" you interrupt. "So you're telling me that that shrimp actually has magic up his furry sleeves?"
"Surprisingly, his BITE is worse than his bark." the wolf states.
"Well it can't be THAT bad, you can just escape from here. By using each of your abilities, you guys seem capable of busting outta this heck hole with ease."
There, a cragadile frantically crawls pass you towards the door. A few mere inches to freedom and the poor creature is electrocuted into submission.
Tim taps the collar on his neck.
Now that you really look at it, every creature in the mine is equipped with a shock collar. Even all those flash bees clumped up together to drive a pickaxe into the wall have their own tiny neckwear. Far off in the back, you spot Alpha furiously punching the wall with a bulky collar on.
"You too, Alpha?"
"Fang punish Alpha." he grunts, wiping the pebbles from his face. "Disappointed him."
"We've all been put in this dreadful place because of that pint sized tyrant." Timothy growls. "Hunts us down and have us battle in barbaric combat for those beasts' entertainment."
The wolf then picks up a lumpy, bronze ore and savagely gobbles it down. Under all that sophistication still lives a wild side. "Those who aren't so popular are thrown down here, forced to mine for this ghastly metal. It's the only thing to consume here."
"Why is he having you mining it for?"
"For-"
Suddenly, the tall doors in the back of the mine creak open and guard after guard come stomping in. Soon, Timothy scoops you and Star up and carries you towards the resting manticore. "Milton, open!"
The manticore's horrid breath nearly burns your eyebrows as he opens his massive maw.
"No, no, WAIT! You could've just hide us in one of the minecart-"
"THERE'S my favorite monsters! How's the mining coming along?"
"G-Going according to plan, sir." Tim stutters.
"Brilliant. I've already wasted enough of my magic keeping you creatures in line. Now I need that ore melted to PERFECTION by nightfall or I'm gonna make a fortune selling RUGS, you feel me?"
No response...
The dog slams the bottom tip of his staff onto the ground, electricuting every creature with their collars. The manticore narrowly tries to keep you hidden.
"YOU FEEL ME?!" the runt hisses.
Every creature whimpers in agreement.
"Great. I'm expecting a TOTAL upgrade with a little help from our star unicorn."
You notice Starlight's eyes widen.
Soon, after the douchey dog and his bodyguards leave the mine, the gentle beast releases you both from hiding.
"That must've been HORRIBLE." Timothy winces. "No offense, Manny."
The manticore shrugs.
"NO dog messes with MY pal." you mutter, bolting it towards the door.
"Anon, wait up!"
"Anon, where are you going?"
"To kill Thanos, what do you THINK I'm gonna do? I'm gonna settle this once and for all."
"You just can't WALK in there and expect to actually WIN!"
"You saying I'm weak?"
"T-That's not what I'm saying, I-"
"Then we're good, let's be awesome."
You turn corner after corner, traveling through the halls of the castle in search of Fang's lair while Glimmy tries and fails to reason with your stubborn ass. Soon, you come across a massive shiny, diamond studded door at the end of the hallway, guarded by little Kibbles.
"Hey, Kibbles." Star greets.
"Hello again, how may I help you two?"
"We've got some business to take care of in there, keeping it in the DMZ, gotta go ASAP, strictly BYOB. Gotta go." you state.
"'BYOB'?" the unicorn ponders.
"W-Wait, I can't let you go in there!" the pup whines, blocking your path. "I'll get in trouble and no treat!"
"Come on, Kibs! What's a shrimp like him gonna do, put you in the Cone of Shame?"
Her eyes widen. "We do not speak of that..."
"Buck it, we're going in."
"NO!"
Kibbles picks up a tall spear five times her size and struggles to keep her balance as she tries to aim the weapon at you. "Fang doesn't want ANY visitors at the moment. You'll have to get through ME first!"
"Kibbles, you're just a kid, I'm not gonna-"
The word 'kid' pops in your head. You turn to Starlight with a small grin. She too gets the idea and clears her throat.
π΅"Go to sleeeeep-"π΅
THUD
Just like that, the pup passes out and falls flat on her face, dropping the spear.
"We.......probably should've caught her."
"No time, pal. Let's go-"
"A-Anon, wait. Let me take care of this."
"W-What, why?"
"T-There must be a reasonable......logical explanation for all this, ya know?"
You give the mare a quizzical look.
"O-Okay, you're right. This doesn't seem right at all."
"Good, now let's go in there, kick some tail, grab Spirit and Wally, head to Twilight's place, have a nice, cold pint and wait for all of this to blow over."
"Wait for what to blow over?"
"Never mind, let's do this."
"Fine, just let me do the talking."
Inside the tall, dark and empty room covered with cringe-inducing self portraits of the egotistical mutt, you notice a spotlight shining upon a metal, cylinder-like podium in the center of the room. At close inspection, atop the stand lies a small stick sized hole in the middle.
"What's all this for?"
"Fang said he uses it to power his staff." Starlight states. "Whatever plans he has for me cannot be good."
"So, what's OUR plan?"
"I don't know. Guess we have to destroy it or someth- AUGH!!!
Suddenly, your pal has been struck down into your arms with a massive bolt of blood red lightning.
"STAR!" you holler.
"A shame. I thought I added enough the first time."
Out from the shadows dramatically emerges Fang, cockily carrying the crackling staff. "Maybe a DOUBLE dose shall do the trick!"
Starlight screams and twitches about in your embrace as the electricity engulfs her body until she abruptly passes out.
"Starlight? STAR! What are you doing to her?!"
"Ensuring that there's no DEAD WEIGHT."
You're suddenly bucked down to the floor where a pissed off Starlight stares you down, eyes glowing red.
"She had quite the willpower to resist annihilating you."
"So YOU'RE the reason why she went all cray cray earlier!"
An intense beam of the enraged mare's magic grazes your hip and creating a gaping hole in the wall.
"Finish the fight." the dog commands maliciously. The red-eyed pony nods and slowly approaches you, horn glowing.
[Crap.]
Chapter 17: Worse Than the Friend Zone
"Isn't she scary, Isn't she powerful? Wasn't she vicious, Less than one minute ago? I never thought, through all that grace, lives a beast in a mood to chase. But isn't she scary made from-"
[Bruh, why are you SINGING?!]
"It relaxes me! Can't you see I'm suffering a fate worse than the friend zone?!"
[And what's that?]
"Running from your waifu, who's trying to blow you to bits!" you pant.
[Have you tried REASONING with her?]
"Star, fight the anger, not your pal!" you pant, backflipping over a magical, transparent blue brick wall that has popped up before you. The unicorn bursts through the glowing obstacle, still galloping after you seething with intense blind rage.
[I don't think she wants to listen...]
"Ya THINK?! Why can't I shake her?! Damn player!"
[No one told you to leave it on, dummy!]
"But it's a catchy song!"
[Darn, that's true...]
You duck under the crazed mare's line of fire as you bathe in all the irony of the situation. Never would you have thought that the sound of fluffy hooves clopping after you would be so terrifying til now.
Star blasts a tall vase up ahead, splattering dirt in your face. The lumpy clumps trip you over and leave you on the ground at the mercy of the murderous mare. You clear your vision before you see a thick, jagged piece of the vase pierce the floor an INCH away from your crotch. All the other pieces levitate in the unicorn's enchanted grip and dart it for you.
Those years of over-elaborate break dances are put to good use, however, as you epically and swiftly zigzag away from the sharp projectiles til she depletes her ammunition.
"I know playing hard to get occasionally gets you the girl but this is ridiculous!" you sheepishly chuckle.
The glowing anger in the predator's eyes wipes the dorky smile right off your face.
"R-Right. Survive now, joke later."
The violent reenactment of a Bugs/Elmer Fudd routine continues on til you turn a corner and run right into an idle guard's breastplate.
"What ape doing here." he grunts skeptically.
Before you could respond, the horse demon comes in, screeching to a halt. Even the guard was paralyzed with fear when he spots the mare's sizzling and glowing horn.
"Star, don't shoot me, shoot HIM! He's a better target!"
"No shoot!" the guard growls. "Shoot him!"
"No, HIM!"
"HIM!!!"
"No, me."
"NO, ME!"
"Me."
"ME! I TAKE THE SHO- AGH!!!"
With an earth-shattering THUD , the guard is knocked down by the psycho's blinding blast. You hastily yank the guard's bow and arrows and take off down the hall before a confused Star realizes her blunder and angrily gallops after you. Despite the ridiculously LARGE amount of twists and turns you make, your pursuer remains unavoidable, grazing your body with every blast.
Unfortunately, the clichΓ© monster emerges from the shadows and attacks with a vengeance as you trip over absolutely NOTHING and get cornered on the kingdom's balcony overlooking the filthy town. As you frantically try to find an escape route, Glimmy stomps into view.
[Sugar honey iced SHIT!]
Another beam of magic slams into the rocky floor, the impact tossing you in the thick vines growing along the castle's walls. Starlight climbs the railing and looks down upon your tangled form.
"Pal, please. I-It's me, remember? While it is a great workout with you pursuing me with murderous intent, it's time to snap out of it!"
A glowing, dagger-shaped wad of magic poofs from the angered mare's horn near the vine holding you aloft.
"C-Come on, Glim. You're not that heartless..."
*SNAP*
"Okay, maybe you AAAAAAAAAGH!!!"
As you scream, you find yourself laying on the floor of your suite staring up at the snipped dangling vines above you. A pissed Starlight snorts before running off.
"Sweet Celestia, this is just TOO convenient, huh?" you mutter.
"Ah Nah!" Spirit squeals, waddling towards you.
"No time for leg clinging, squirt. We gots to GO!"
"W-Why the rush, what's wrong? Where'd you come from?" Wally asks.
"Star's- GAWD!" You clutch your side and collapse on the cushy sofa.
The concerned mare rushes to you, digs into her bushy mane and pulls out a towel and a small, brown bottle. "What happened, are you alright?!" she says, cleaning the wound.
"W-What else you got in there?" you wince.
"Anon, FOCUS!"
"Oh, Starlight's been brainwashed and she and the guards are out searching for us, like, RIGHT now!"
"What?! A-Are you sure?"
"Her lips said 'I'm gonna end you slowly', but her eyes said 'Read my lips'."
Outside the room's door, the sounds of armor rattling and dogs barking growing louder alert you. "But that can wait, we must FLEE!" you hastily plant Spirit in the overwhelmed pony's hooves and carry the both of them to the balcony's railing.
"A-Anon, WAIT!" Wally protests. "I'm not built for escaping like this!"
"It's all GOOD!" you grunt, leaping to a nearby rooftop. "Everyone knows that the best way to escaping is under INTENSE deadly pressure!"
"I-I don't like THIIIIIIIIIS!!!"
An array of spears and arrows rain down after you. Spirit on the other hand is having the time of his life, giggling away while Wallflower clings for dear life on your back as you narrowly avoid the falling projectiles. The shady residents look on at your daring escape when tons of guards start flooding out of the castle's gate.
If Twilight wasn't so generous from your arrival, you'd make a GREAT street rat. You put the two babies on a dizzying ride, tossing and catching them as you push your way through the rickety city while dodging flung weapons every second. Eventually, you duck into a dark alley, which the guards blindly walk past.
"T-This is crazy!" Wally pants.
"I know, right?" you mutter. "Are they REALLY that blind with those helmets over their eyes, I mean, they SAW me turn in here."
"Ah yah!"
"Oh, sorry. Is everypony alright?"
Spirit spits up and you see Wallflower face deep in a moldy barrel gagging hard.
"I.......stand corrected. But no time for hurling."
As you usher the two deeper into the filthy alley, you're suddenly grabbed and dragged into a dusty, old bar and slammed against a wobbling table with a cloaked dog looming over you. "Hold him down, boys." he snickers. "Fang'll pay us handsomely for you."
The scummy mongrels restrain you roughly as the cloaked dog aims a rusty dagger at your neck. Before it could cut your skin, Wallflower suddenly hops in and smacks every surrounding mutt in the snout with a thick, rolled up newspaper. You're released from their grip as they flee rubbing their noses.
"AUGH, SHE FOUND OUR WEAKNESS!!!" the barkeep yelps, ducking behind the bar. "WHY DO WE KEEP THOSE AROUND ANYWAYS?!?!"
The surprisingly aggressive pony helps you off the table with a caring smile. "I'm not losing another friend to an overgrown dog."
"This way!" a guard hollers outside.
The little squirt clings to your neck and you make your way out the bar doors and stop in your tracks when a burning red arrow zips past your head and turns the establishment's sign to ash. You then find yourself all boxed in by a wide wall of spear-wielding mutts that slowly closes in.
Wally shakily pulls out the wrinkled newspaper, pointing it every direction. "Stay back! I have a newspaper and I'm not afraid to-"
A dagger slices the paper in half before her and sticks to the wall. "T-To toss it." she gulps.
Soon, Fang emerges from the army waving his staff smugly. "Well, well. It seems like you're all outmatched here."
"Not quite, we're not." you state before noticing tons of dog archers on nearby rooftops ready to strike.
"What are you talking about, we're totally BUCKED!" Wally hisses.
"I've got.........MUSIC MOJO!"
The dog's flinch with their weapons when you unveil your righteous player. "Oh yes, with this device, I can control your minds with some SICK beats that can manipulate armies!"
"Ha, you'll have a difficult time trying against these dummies." Fang scoffs. "Each dog has a target in case of such emergency. Everything's planned out."
"Uh, Lead Dog Fang, sir?" a guard waves. "Am I supposed to shoot Biscuits, or Ruffski?"
"No, I shoot Ruffski!" another barks.
"No, no. You shoot Mange." the small king sighs.
"T-Then who shoots Ruffski?"
"I can shoot myself."
"That won't be necessary. Wishbone, you shoot Ruffski, Crusher, and graze T-Bone."
"Yes, sir!"
One of the dogs howls in pain as he gets shot in the foot.
"Not YET, you fools!"
In the blink of an eye, every guard aims their firearms at one another, demanding each other to surrender.
[That escalated quickly.]
"What do we do now?" Wally whispers.
"Only one thing TO do."
The midget king and his army watch on in confusion while you put your rhythmic spell upon them.
"Enough of this buffoonery. Sic 'em boys." Fang orders.
Spirit and Wally cower behind you as the wave of dogs charge on. As a dog lunges for you, you both find the guard moonwalking away and pole dances with his spear. With your groove spell now taking effect, you initiate the legendary arm wave that travels through every dog that stop dead in their pursuit. The army yelps helplessly now that they're under your control when the beat REALLY kicks in.
"Now, FREEZE!"
Everydog freezes in random dance poses, obeying your orders. You wave for the two ponies to make it for the gates as you up the ante and push the jam meter to ELEVEN.
"Jump on it!"
"FOOLS! Stop jumping and start smashing!" Fang roars, failing to resist the groove.
"Never underestimate the power of the 'hyewmun' jams!"
Arrows fly overhead in sync with the rhythmic clanging of rusty metal as you smoothly skip your way through the dancing dogs towards the metal doors, ducking under the futile swings of your struggling victims. Up ahead, Wallflower feebly tries to pull the gates open while more guards come crawling in on all sides. You push the volume to full blast and force the team flying into a backflip.
The three of you spot a staircase and make your way up to the castle's battlements. Everydog makes one last stand to take you out and send a wave of every weapon they have AVAILABLE. Their intense assault kept you on your toes as you search for a way to escape. Besides the long drop towards the deformed, rocky bridge beyond the drawbridge, every other direction seemed like the only way out is a seemingly bottomless pit covered in a murky fog. Down the walls are more flimsy vines that you help your friends climb down.
Before you could do the same, however, a beam of light shoves you to the ground and pops the batteries out of your player. Out from the smoke before you comes a vengeful Glimmy.
"Augh, STAR! You threw off my groove!" you cough trying to plug the batteries back in.
"Must. DESTROY!!!"
Another magic blast burns the side of your shirt and takes a small chunk of the wall's structure, tripping you and pulling you back. Your leg is caught by your OP BFF, who dangles you over the misty abyss.
"Go ahead. THROW me away, Star! Throw away your own powerless human pal and leave him for dead!"
Without a second thought, the unicorn flings you off the edge like trash, watching you plummet.
"I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN YOUR REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TIPS!!!"
Chapter 18: A Fruitful Reunion
Rock. Meet. Bottom.
In a forest an unknown distance from the kingdom, you float down a calmly flowing river, clothes damaged and organs barely functioning. You weakly open your eyes as a light shower of rain drips upon your face. Every muscle in your body is aching excruciatingly, leaving you unable to move in your state. Left staring at puffy, grey skies, you get lightheaded and pass out once more as you feel something snake-like tug you by the leg.
A little later, you're awoken by the sound of a small fire crackling beside you. Your shivering body feels completely numb unlike last time, finding yourself resting on a comfy pile of leaves shielded from the gentle storm by a rustic, handmade roof made of long twigs. Using the little energy you have, you look down to find DOZENS of short, skinny green needles in almost every inch of your body. Almost looks like the kind Wallflower uses.
What also catches your attention is a copper tea pot steadily boiling a fresh batch over the small flame where your player, shoes and socks lay nearby to dry off. Dangling over the low flame rests your dirtied up white shirt with a large row of expertly crafted stitches across the torso.
Suddenly, the faint sound of a twig snapping outside alerts you.
"W-Wallflower...." you cough. "I-Is that you?"
The crunching leaves abruptly stops for a brief moment, raising your concern. The noise continues to creep closer towards the hut until, out from the dim woods emerges a disgruntled mongrel who howls for reinforcements that pop up from every direction.
"Buck me."
You hastily try to flop to freedom, but the millions of needles in your body numb you to no end, making you easy pickin's.
In the blink of an eye, the big brute is pulled deep into the ground, leaving you stunned. The others were just as shocked as, one by one they are dragged down under by an unseen force before they could retreat until the only thing you're surrounded by is deafening silence.
"Who's out there?"
A smooth wooden cup of warm, unidentified tea randomly pops up in your hand, the hot, steamy aroma tempting your tastebuds.
[Okay, I got this........FIRMLY grasp it.]
A thin, leafy green vine holds up a single sugar cube and pops it into your drink. "Ah, thank you."
As you excruciatingly try to sip the cozy liquid in your hand, your brain finally clicks. You turn to face the small plant that's staring back at you.
"It.........no no ,it can't be. Okay, what's in this tea?"
The little vine flings a few juicy blueberries into your palm. "M-Mr. Jammers?"
The happy little plant grows a plethora of extra vines, yanks out all the thorns in your body and pulls you into a big snake hug.
"It's good to see you TOO." you wince. "You look ALIVE and..........smaller. Am I dead?"
The plant shakes his tip.
"Near death experience?"
He slinks into the tall grass and returns with a stick, which he uses to draw a circle in the dirt.
"Oh, wait, I'm good at this. GO."
As you sip your tea, Jammers proceeds to draw a sketch of what appeared to be a large peach pit-like object moving from under a tall vine covered head to stem with pointy arrows. Jammers X's off the tall vine, erases all but the pit and adds a smaller vine on top of it.
"You sacrificed your body to save your heart seed thingy and used the time to grow back?"
The impressed plant grows two vines and clap them together.
"YES! Conveniently correct guessing, STILL got it! Now that's impressive, you almost had me for a while."
[God, I'm giving props to a damn plant...]
You slip the rest of your dry clothes on, equip your player and prepare to venture off into the wilderness. Mr. Jammers yanks your arm before you could walk off, shaking his head frantically. Ignoring his concern, you wiggle free and march out further.
"Come on, we've gotta go find Wally. Don't worry, I know almost EXACTLY what I'm doing here."
The plant grabs you by the collar and pulls you back a split second before you could tumble down a steep, rocky hill. "Keyword: 'almost' ."
"Oof, I think the coast is clear." a voice utters in the distance.
You two discreetly hurry back to the campsite and spot a light rustling in a group of bushes up ahead, followed by a low growl. Jammers quietly burrows his way towards the source while you wobble after through the muddy terrain. The stealthy vine pokes out of the ground and signals that the hidden creature is behind the bushes.
"Oh, we're READY for you this time..."
At precisely the right time, you charge in head first just as the furry creature simultaneously lunges at you, tackling you down. After a brief struggle, you eventually pin the beast down and slap it, making it smack you back with its robust.......paws?
You take a few more slaps at each other until a gleeful Spirit clings to your arm ecstatically.
"AH NAH!"
"Not now, squirt!" you and the creature grunt in unison.
Mr. Jammers cuts in and dangles the flailing 'beast' overhead. "Put 'em up, PUT 'EM UP ! I'm not going down without a fight!"
Your vision becomes clear and you see a filthy Wallflower blindly punching the air.
"Uh........Wally?"
The pathetically flailing mare comes to her senses and finally sees your face. "A-Anon?" she stutters as Mr. Jammers lowers her down.
"In the badly beaten flesh."
"A-Are you a ghost?"
"I don't know, wanna make sure?"
The stunned pony slowly inches towards you and hesitantly pokes your belly, forcing a big belch out of you. You and Spirit snicker as she fans away your tea breath in disgust.
"Ugh, it's you, alright." she groans before taking in the scent. "We thought you were GONE and.......wait a second. I-Is that a ginger peach herbal tea I'm smelling?"
"Um........I guess, why?"
"The ingredients for that aren't around here for MILES, where did you get that?"
"I had a little help..."
Mr. Jammers leans in, places a small, pink orchid in Wally's mane and delicately rubs up against her forehooves. She appears breathless as the nimble plant plucks the leaves and much from her messy mane.
Tears begin flooding out of her sockets as she pulls her companion into a tight hug. "I-I thought I'd lost you......I-I've missed you so much and.....HOW?"
Her botanical friend quickly lays out the exact same explanation in the dirt, leaving her dumbfounded.
"A Vinea baca defense mechanism, of COURSE!"
You sit back and watch the little plant happily juggle the giggling mare around while trying to pry Spirit's gummy jaws from your wrist. "I missed you TOO, buddy, but that does NOT require tasting."
"You used thorn acupuncture too?! I'm so PROUD of you!"
"Ouch!" you yelp, rubbing your thigh. "Could've WARNED me, ya know."
"Sorry, he missed a thorn." Wallflower states, thorn in mouth.
"So, how'd you two make it out of there?"
"It all happened so fast. After seeing you fall, the guards were on our tails, so Spirit and I ran through that cave and made it out here. How'd you manage?"
"Convenient river is convenient." you state.
"I assume you and Mr. Jammers took care of them?"
"Yeah, it was a piece of cake. My one question is what was with the growling?"
Spirit's stomach grumbles as Mr. Jammers flips him in his grasp and warmly feeds him mushed up grapes.
"You got a fearsome gut there, bud."
"Nom nom!" he mumbles.
"Well, we're gonna need alot more than that to free Star. We need to find a perfect strategy to-"
"Uh, what we NEED to find a way out of here, Anon."
"But what about Starlight? W-We can't just LEAVE her back there with Furquaad!"
"We barely made it out of there alive! You honestly think we're crazy enough to go BACK in there?! Starlight's powerful enough to escape on her own, she can just poof outta there, right?"
"Wally, friends don't straight up bail on each other like that and just hope for the best. Plus, that shrimp's probably plucked the magic outta her by now."
"Come on, Anon. Why are you THIS willing to risk your life like-"
"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!!!"
Everyone flinches at your echoed outburst.
"She's my best friend and....I couldn't live with myself if I left her in a situation like this. Capable of escaping or not, I'm going back for her."
"I-It's your funeral, then."
"It's called LOYALTY.....something you're too shy to understand."
You watch as the speechless mare try and fail to utter a single word, not even attempting to look you in the eye. Soon, Spirit waddles towards you and tugs at your pant leg.
"Hunah?"
"No, li'l bit, you should stay with them."
The colt tilts his head in confusion as he continues to stand close to you.
"No, Spirit. I said STAY."
Your stern tone causes the little one to back away, frightened. You sigh and cuddle the baby up in your arms.
"Little buddy, I appreciate the bravery, but I don't want to see you get hurt because of me. You're safer with them, okay?"
Spirit clings to your chest and hugs you back. You lightly pat his back and put him over in Mr. Jammers' care.
"Well.....be seeing you."
"Y-Yeah.......see ya." Wallflower murmurs.
The baby colt gives a melancholic wave goodbye as the three awkwardly depart. Before you turn to leave, the puckered spot on the ground where a guard used to stand sparks an idea.
Back in the mines....
"I'm all in Ash." Timothy chortles.
"It would be alot easier if we had actual CARDS, you know?" the dragon sighs.
"This could be the next best thing, though."
"How?! You just drew a few cards in the dirt. We can LITERALLY see each other's 'cards' right now. This sucks."
"I would go ahead and fold, gentlemen..."
You step out of the shadows in oversized dog armor, cockily spinning a rusty chain of keys.
"With THIS card, things are gonna get WILD ..."
Chapter 19: Monsters vs Canines
"Anonymous, lad, are you sure this'll work?"
"Timmy, we got this. Each of us got skills not to be reckoned with."
"True, but I'm sensing a low probability of success here."
"Hey, just leave the pessimism to me, 'kay bud?"
Around the corner, two guards approach from down the hall. The minute they get into place, the cockatrio roll in with a surprise attack and turns the two into stone. At the end of the hall, three more dogs spot the assault and gives chase, spears raised.
You quickly grab one of the chicken-headed beasts, glide over the cowering statues and deal a swift knockout kick to the center dog as the other two are petrified. Exhausted, the flapping cockatrice drops you and collapses. The angry creature screeches at you and flies off.
"Hey! For your information, I'm NOT fat, I'm pleasantly plump!"
You and Team Monstar move out, heroically fighting your way through the maze-like corridors of the kingdom. As far as you're concerned, TEAMWORK is more effective magic.
Eventually, you all reach the dangling arena of the Killiseum, where a small army of angry dogs block the exit. All of you take up the entire battlefield like a chess board. A group of guards line up in a wide row and chuck their jagged, rusty spears your way. All of a sudden, Alpha lunges in and swipes the sharp projectiles aside with his enormous paws, roaring and pounding his chest in triumph.
"Woah, Alpha join fight now?" you ask.
"Alpha owe 'hoo man' . Save life." he states.
"Oh. Well welcome aboard, then."
He fist bumps you and charges into the battle head on.
Alpha has joined the team.
"Let's go, squad! For GLORY!!!"
And so it began, an epic battle of will, of strength, of extreme AWESOMENESS ! The battle raged for years, for generations, for EONS !!!
For at least a good four minutes until it was finally done. But no time to bask in your collective badassery, another round of goons approach.
However, you get an idea. "Tim, I need you to tear off their armor!"
"WHAT?!" he gasps. "I-I can't do that, that's BARBARIC!"
"We're ALL barbarians deep down, Timmy, this is our freedom we're talking about! Find your inner beast! Plus, you've been pussing out the moment we started."
"No, no. I shouldn't. I can't. I SHANT !"
Ash steps in and pushes you aside. "I got this, guy. Hey, Tim, I heard one of those mutts make fun of your little monocle!"
"They did WHAT?!?!"
Gone from sophisticated to savage in a microsecond, the livid timberwolf gallops into wild mode and pounces upon guard after guard, slashing their rusty armor clean off with his splintery paws and bathing them in his slimy, sap-like saliva.
"MOST GLORIOUS!!!" Tim bellowed ecstatically, clawing away at his fearful victims.
Overhead, the flash bees swarm through the sea of guards to shock and amaze and STING their way to victory, leaving the cragadiles to tie up their dazed opponents.
"We've stripped them of their resources, men!" you exclaim. "Today, we feast on BISCUITS!!!""
"Ack, gross!" Ash gags. "These taste like burnt rubber!"
"No, my little dragon. It tastes like VICTORY !" you declare, taking a large bite out of the dusty confection, regretting your decision the minute you carry out the act. "Bleh, AND burnt rubber! Ugh, we probably shouldn't eat these."
"H-Hey! Is anyone out there?!" a coughing voice echoes nearby. Up ahead, you all rush towards the light tapping of a metal door leading to a small, dark cell. There, a little figure sways about with woeful moans.
"D-Don't worry, we'll get you out of there!" you holler. "Okay, there's a weak spot somewhere on this wall. If I can channel all my chi and raw awesomeness and merge them all together in one swift move, then my calculations would suggest that-"
Alpha cuts you off, stomps forward and punches a gaping hole into the wall with a loud BOOM .
"......t-that works too, thanks dawg."
As the dust clears, a weak Starlight crawls out of the gloomy cell coughing, to your shock and horror. Her once vibrant, pink coat has now been reduced to a tinted, pale mess.
"Star!"
"Anon!" the battered unicorn wheezes before collapsing in your arms.
"Star, what happened to-"
Tears begin to pour out of her eyes as she pulls you into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm so, SO sorry!" she sobs out loud. "I couldn't control myself and I saw what I had DONE to you and I-I thought I-"
"Hey, hey, it's okay." you motion the group to continue on as you console the guilt ridden mare, warmly rubbing her mane while she cries into your chest.
"W-When you fell into that abyss, I.....I thought I'd never see you again. And then, that MONSTER stole my magic and left me here to rot!"
"Pfffft. Pal, it'll take ALOT more than that to get rid of me, ya know." you scoff. "Look, that wasn't the real you roping me into a deadly game for my life, ultimately tossing me into a foggy, seemingly empty abyss that I unrealistically survived. That was ALL on spooky spells."
"'Spooky spells' that I wasn't strong enough to face on. We should've gotten out of here when we had the chance. I was a fool thinking I can convince DOGS to experience the magic of friendship."
"Starlight, you being 'foolish' is just you being YOU . You're the kindest, strongest, funniest, craziest pony I've ever met. You're my best friend. Never have I ever met somepony as smart, cunning and beautiful as you-"
"You.........y-you think I'm b-beautiful?"
"Of COURSE I do! I love yooooooooou're beautiful personality."
You sit there awkardly as the stunned mare stares at you not with tears of grief, but of joy. "T-Thank you." she sniffles. "Guess I know what it feels like to be mind controlled, I have a MAD headache."
"Sucks, doesn't it?"
"Extremely."
"Will kicking Fang's tail make you feel a bit better, huh?"
Starlight wipes away her tears with a little smile. "M-Maybe just a bit." she smiles.
"That's the OP unicorn I know dearly. Can you stand?"
"I........I-I think I can." Glimmy grunts, feebly wiggles out of your grasp. As she takes her first step, she flops to the side and immediately loses her intense battle with gravity. "Carry me?" she sighs in defeat.
Like a clingy child, the weak little pony wraps her hooves around your neck as you pull her close into your arms.
"Heh, my hero." she giggles.
"All in a day's work, m'lady."
"So, what's our next move?"
"Step 1: Save Star."
"And step 2?"
"Honestly, I thought we'd be creamed at this point, but, uh.......kick more tail?"
"Eh, works for me." Ash shrugs, flying off with a heavy battle axe.
Soon, an ear-splitting ring spreads throughout the land.
On cue, a pack of spiky metal carriages roll into the courtyard, blocking the entrance leading to the hall of the midget king's lair.
Before you could think of the next move, a large, lumpy mound of dirt slinks past your feet and dips under the barricade. Soon, Mortar the maulwurf bursts from the soil and angrily ripping the carriages to shreds, giving you a clear opening. Taking it that the gang has things completely OUT of control, you carry your damsel in distress through the carnage. Glimmy clings on tighter as you maneuver through the intense war going on throughout the enormous castle.
Approaching the lair's tall doors, you two find stumble upon a small pup confined to a thick chain wearing a big cone hiding the poor creature's face.
"Oh, Kibbles, he DIDN'T!" Starlight gasps.
She clumsily turns to face you with a sad whimper, displaying possibly the cutest, commercial worthy puppy pout in all of Equestria. Like, Academy Award winning sad.
"Awww, let's get this thing off for you." you coo, snapping the chain with mighty force. "Now, where's that pint sized tyrant at?"
The ground starts to vibrate the closer you approach the boss stage. You could here a low whirring sound behind the wall. Suddenly, a wide beam of blood red energy pierces a huge hole between the metal doors.
"Okay, maybe we should call it a day." you squeal.
"Oh, NO you don't!" Glimmy hisses, staring daggers at you. "The Anon I know doesn't just give up because it's the smart thing to do. We should buck up and GRAB life by the tail!"
"You're right, you're right.......we got this."
"Not literally , Anon." the unicorn sighs.
"Wait, what are you talking about?"
A guard yanks Starlight by the tail through the gaping hole, along with you, and tosses you both before the villainous Lead Dog, Fang. "Ah, my two BEST champions!" he cackles. "Didn't expect to see you two here so soon."
"Mmm, that's very delicious, more BULLSHIT please!" you grunt in the guard's tight grip.
"What do you WANT with my magic?!" Star growls.
"What everyone else wants in this miserable world," Fang hisses. "POWER , desires that I have been denied for TOO long now."
"But.....you have your own KINGDOM !" Starlight exclaims. "Isn't that enough power for you?"
"Is ruling a land full of morons worth being proud of?" Fang retorts. "This kingdom is the laughingstock of all kingdoms."
"He kinda has a point there, pal." you shrug.
"I've spent years entertaining these fools with violent matches to keep them at bay while searching this lifeless land for magic strong enough for me to take what's mine. Fangett T. Dog shall be a loser no longer."
"Heh, Fangett ..." you snicker.
"So, basically, you just wanna LOOK good." Star says.
"Indeed, correct." Fang nods.
[ OF COURSE! ]
"Ugh, you're weak and generic motivations are torturing me deeply!" you wince.
"A shame I have to destroy you." the dog sighs. "You would've made an decent, more COMPETENT soldier."
"I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than be on your scummy side!"
Fang's staff glows a bright red aura that surrounds itself with crackling electricity that courses through the pup's veins. His once tiny body now slowly towers over you as he approaches, menacingly aiming the staff directly at your rapidly beating chest.
"Someone get me a towel," the now tall Fang says with a sickening grin. "this is going to get MESSY !"
Just as you're about to be gutted by the discount lightsaber, a pebble bounces off the beast's nose, followed by another slightly larger one that pokes him in the eye. As Fang hunches over, you and Starlight spot a fearless Spirit stomping on the dog's fuzzy back. "BAH DAH!" he roars.
"SPIRIT!" you two exclaim.
Out of nowhere, a group of extremely thick vines burst forth from the rocky floor, the powerful impact tossing everyone in all directions. A dazed Fang crashes into a marble pillar and gets buried under the falling debris.
"Mr. Jammers?!" Starlight laughs in excitement. "You're ALIVE?"
"Alive and still kicking tail!" you cheer.
The valiant vine flings away guard after guard right off the lair's balcony. Soon, Wallflower leaps in, rolled up newspaper in hoof, shooing away the remaining dogs in the room before helping you two up.
"You guys need a hoof?" she pants.
Chapter 20: Down by the River
"Hope I'm not late for the party here." Wallflower says confidently.
"We're just getting started." Starlight huffs.
Mr. Jammers plops a giddy Spirit into your arms, who greets you with the usual arm gumming.
"So, what made you three change your minds?" you ask.
"The little one really missed you." Wallflower sighs, watching the silly baby giggle in your embrace. "Plus, Mr. Jammers INSISTED we come back here and help-"
The thick plant gives her a light shove. "Okay, okay, I kinda......sorta....felt bad." she mutters. "And I didn't wanna leave my friends hanging."
"Awwww, Wally." you coo. "You're gonna make me blush ."
"Oh, whatever, now can we PLEASE get out of here? I've gotta save whatever shred of dignity I have left."
"Hey, you're hanging with us now." Star scoffs. "Dignity's got nothing to do with it."
Mr. Jammers lunges out from the floor and gingerly slithers over, leaving a trail of dirt crumbling off of his kicking roots.
"Wait, when has Mr. J been all snake-like?" you ask.
"Cool, right?" Wally chimes. "I discovered he went through quite an evolution."
"Heh, cool."
As you all head for the balcony, you spot a damaged crystal shard from Fang's staff on the floor. The mysterious item violently hops around the crumbling room, blasting away at anything in it's path with red hot lightning. There, a furious Fang punches his way out of the wreckage and notices the same bouncing half.
Caught staring at each other, you leap into a dash as he quickly crawls after the glowing stone. "Time to nut up or SHUT UP!" you roar.
[Ugh, that is SO 2009, man...]
The intensity rises at a rapid rate, the concerned pleas of your companions fade in your mind as you fall further into the harsh heat emanating from the unstable piece. Moments before total destruction, Starlight leaps in and clings to you yelling "NO!!!" as you snatch the shard out of the air, the impact sends a sonic wave that forces Fang back and engulfs you and Star in light.
As the smoke clears, it seemed like you're really seeing everything in a whole new way. Senses appear to be heightened tenfold, your skin is tingling uncontrollably, your heart's beating at the speed of light, it's as if you've sampled the GOD of all drugs. What you first notice is a shaking Starlight, still holding onto your body, finally back to her bright, radiant coated self.
"St-Starlight." you moan. "H-How are you feeling there, huh?"
The rejuvenated unicorn releases you and rises to her hooves with a confident smirk. "Heh.......I feel AWESOME again." she chuckles, horn glowing brightly.
Glimmy has earned major SHWING! points.
"Pal, look out!"
Quick as ever, you lunge in front of Star as a beam of evil magic barrels toward your hands. To everyone's shock, including yours, a glowing green shield floats around at your fingertips deflecting the gruff dog's aggresive assault.
"How is this POSSIBLE?!?! " the beast growls, blasting your magical barrier repeatedly.
The angry villain charges up all his energy and expels you all out the room and off the edge of the balcony. Free-falling from the tall tower, you grab Spirit as Wally grabs you as Mr. Jammers wraps around her.
"I can flyyyyyyyyy!!!" you cheer. "No, I can't!"
All of you are then yanked mid-air in a familiar light-blue aura and safely lowered to the center of the kingdom, to every resident's awe.
"Sweet CELESTIA , it feels good to be magical again!" Starlight says in excitement. "Don't expect to ace magic in just a few seconds, Anon."
"Say what you will," you scoff. "I just Winter Soldier'd his butt!"
"Quick, let's get outta here." Wally says. "This way. Mr. Jammers and I planned our escape."
"You forgot already, pal?" you snicker.
Up ahead, you charge at the robust stone wall's gates and, with great force, punch the entire thing off it's hinges and into the lava moat below. "Magic UPGRADE !!!" you roar.
"I-I was gonna say the plan was Mr. Jammers could lift us over the gate." Wally mutters. "But, that works too, I guess..."
"Now, now, you can't leave Bone City without saying GOODBYE!" Fang's voice echoed.
From the bloody red horizon, a massive flock of vicious bats menacingly swarm around the castle before making a mad dash towards you.
"RUN, RUN, NOW!!!" Starlight yells.
The aerial infestation rain down upon you with blinding speed. Bats flap around everyone on all sides screeching at the top of their lungs. Starlight blasts every angle, turning scattered bats into harmless fruit bats as you and the team frantically make your escape across the rickety wooden bridge leading to sweet freedom.
"Whatever you do, don't look down!" you grunt.
[3.......2.......1.....]
"AH!" Wally squeaks, closing her eyes.
Your authoritah being disrespected long enough, you bitch slap the first bat that crosses your path, transforming it into a life sized butterfly.
"How do you control this mess, Star?!"
"Urgh, can't just use magic right on the first go, Anon!" Starlight grunts. "Takes ALOT more concentration!"
"What I'm concentrating for is some laser eyes!"
Through all the chaos, your giant, magically mutated creation scoops a bewildered Spirit out of the swarm and into the dark red sky. Glimmy disperses a good chunk of the swarm, allowing you to spring in and grab a hold of the insect's legs. The butterfly soars past the swaying bridge and throws you and Spirit off into a bush as it flys away.
"You.......you seriously think being an inch away from death is just downright hilarious, don't you, squirt?" you pant.
"Hee hee." the baby giggles.
Not far behind, Wallflower gallops into the gloomy forest with Mr. Jammers in tow. Starlight soon runs in horn smoking, finally vanquishing the swarm. "Is everyone alright?" she exhales.
"Nothing seriously broken, just muscles, and my bones." you utter. "Don't forget organs too."
TWANG!
Judging by the clumsily shot arrow that has just pierced the tree bark beside you, you deduce that now's the perfect time to haul ass. Spears fly over the tall trees the moment you take off deeper into the forest. Off in the background, you hear what sounded like a gun going off, trees collapsing with an earth-shattering BOOM and howls of aggression grow increasingly louder as everyone
"How are we even going get away from that psycho NOW?" Starlight groans. "We can't outrun them forever!"
"Don't worry." Wally wheezes. "I came prepared for that!"
The exhausted mare takes a sharp turn through the woods and leads you to a wide riverbank where a large and sturdy raft with sails made of leaves floats, tied to a mossy stump.
"A raft?" you mutter.
"We were putting this together before Spirit scurried off." Wally states.
"You really were gonna ditch us, weren't you?"
"Hey, I came back!"
"Less talky, more RAFTY !" Starlight says, hopping on the platform.
Wallflower cuts the rope, as you all board the rocking raft, sending it floating gently down the stream.
Slowly. Down. The stream.
"Can this river go any FASTER , Wally?!" you freak.
"Mr. Jammers!" Wally barked. "Full speed ahead!"
The slithering vine wraps his extended roots around the raft and plops his stem into the water, spinning faster than a boat motor and propelling the large hunk of wood at a brisk pace as Fang blasts his way out of the cluttered forest with his army in tow.
"Later, Furquaad !" you mock.
With a mighty roar and a wave of his staff, the mutated mongrel tears every surrounding tree from their roots, ripping them apart in a massive hurricane of magic.
"You might want to paddle faster." Starlight gulps.
"For what?" Wally utters.
Out in the horizon, you all spot a jagged, spiky, dreary looking ship floating after the raft, getting bigger...
And bigger...
And BIGGER until it seemed like a resurrected shipwreck was barreling down the river toward you with a magic trigger finger.
"PADDLE, JAMMY!!!" Wally screams.
Jammers frantically picks up the pace as spears begin to pierce through the sails. Despite the plant's incredible speed, the S.S. Death Ship continues to gain on the raft.
There, Starlight gives you a light shove. "Alright, Anon." she huffs. "It's about time I teach you magic, the STARLIGHT way."
You two share a small grin.
"Teach me of thy ridiculously powerful force, oh mighty Glim!" you bow.
"Lesson 1: teleportation !"
"Great......how do we do that?"
"First, clear your mind." the unicorn exhales. "Channel your energy, feel it flow through your-"
"UURRRP!!!"
"......ya know what, leave that up to me."
In a flash, Star teleports the both of you onto the ship's deck where a group of dogs charge head on.
"Lesson 2: offense !"
Charging all the magic within her, the unicorn manifests a small sphere of magic and sends a guard flying into the river. "Your turn." she nods.
You clear your mind and feel a warm sensation flowing from arm to hand as a guard charges for you. Forming a flashing ball of energy, just as you're about to fling it, it unfortunately slips out of your grasp and hits the floor with a sad and pathetic POOF.
"Fart nugget!" you cringe.
A beam of light strikes the guard lunging at you and turns him into a defenseless pup. "Don't worry, you'll get there, Anon!" your pal grunts, dodging and shooting through the horde of dogs.
"URGH, I'll NEVER get this right!" the floor suddenly shakes the moment you stomp in anger. "Magic is so FRUSTRATING !"
The second stomp trips the horde over.
"That's it !" Starlight gasps. "Anon, get mad!"WAY better than 2!"
You charge head-on into the confused horde, knocking dogs left and right off of the massive ship with magically enhanced punches as Star goes target practicing. Spears were flying, dogs were howling in defeat and magic was screaming through the air, narrowly missing the flimsy raft ahead. Soon, you two battle in perfect sync like an Iron Man/Hulk tag team, jettisoning the dead weight from the fearsome vessel in a kickass duet. Your ~~waifu~~ pal's epic agility and skill left you in awe.
The fun is cut short, however, as an enraged Fang slams his fists on deck and knocks you down. "I've gotta hand it to you." he growls. "You are incredibly tenacious!"
A ball of light violently shoves him aside. "We've evened the odds now." Star snickers, helping you up.
"Ah Nah!"
On the far side of the river, you see the frightened gang frantically waving around.
"Guys, what are you doing?!" you holler.
Their jumbled up signals, plus the amount of predictability in this trope-filled world, your only guess is a raging waterfall that the ship was JUST about to tip over...
That was a late prediction.
Before you and Star could abandon the tilting ship, the slippery deck sends you two down the high drop, roughly landing on a large branch protruding from the cliff's edge as the dog ship plummets and disappears into the mist down below.
"A little magic please?!" you grunt, clinging to Star's hooves as she dangles dangerously over the falls.
The unicorn hangs there, motionless. The landing got her.
"Pal, WAKE UP! "
Your efforts to awaken the unconcious pony end in failure. The branch supporting your combined weight snaps and begins to fall before getting abruptly caught in mid-air.
["THANK CELESTIA!!!]
Soon, a buff figure blocks out the sun catches your attention. Hovering over you was the Lead Douche Dog himself, cracking his neck with a devilish grin. "Any of you like to gamble?" he asks smugly.
"Oh, buck me." you groan.
"What are we betting on, you may ask? Nothing all that valuable, just your LIVES! "
Chapter 21: Romancing the Star
Things just went from bad to HOLY BUCK BALLS in a matter of seconds.
There you are, staring deep into the eyes of your vicious foe, who gives a bone-chilling grin knowing he's got you and your knocked out pony friend cornered. A large, toothy grin that sends your skin crawling for the hills.
"So here we are!" the dog cackles triumphantly. "The valiant, yet puny 'hyewmun' that threw my entire kingdom into disarray is at my mercy."
You frantically attempt to punch the gloating creature in the snout, only for him to hold you farther over the cliff.
"Hey, big whoop!" you scoff. "Kingdoms are ruled by kings, empires are ruled by emperors. That, my dog, is a COUNTRY you got there!"
"Ruled by what, exactly?"
"Figure it out!"
You poke the evil beast in the eye, which you quickly regret as Fang roars in pain and releases the flimsy branch, dropping you two down toward the misty river down below.
"DAH-DEEEEE!!!" Spirit's voice echoed loudly.
The thick hunk of wood zips right past you, crashing into Starlight and forcing her out of your grasp. The unicorn spins out of control and disappears deeper into the mist as you desperately attempt to take flight, chanting "I believe I can fly" repeatedly at lightning speed despite the fact that you're getting dangerously close to-
SPLASH!!! you hit the water harder than a boulder.
Eh, an "A" for effort, I guess.
Recovering from the incredibly harsh impact, you weakly swim to the surface of the deep, murky lake in search of your fallen companion through the thick mist that's obstructing your view. As you make it onto the shore, a chill runs up and down your spine like an elevator upon finding a soaked Star sprawled out at the edge of the water. Heart pounding, you sprint over towards her body
"Star..." you utter. "STAR! Don't you dare put me through this, I HATE this trope!"
Panicking, you quickly check for pulses. Your heart sinks when you didn't come across a single one. You press your ear against her soft, fuzzy barrel.
No beats. No pulse...
Nothing.
"T-This wasn't supposed to be this way." you sob softly. "So much I've wanted to say to you, so many things I wanted you to know. So many memories we could've had and I let my stupid fears get in the way of telling you that I......" you reach over and slide a strand of Star's wet hair off of her closed, enchanting eyes. "I love you." you sigh.
Tears fill your eyes as you hold your wet pal's limp body in a tight embrace. Your mourning is cut short, when you soon hear a loud THUD a few feet behind you.
"That was easy." Fang snickers. "Now there's only one more pest to take CARE of!"
In the lake, you see a reflection of a huge boulder hurtling towards you. At the speed of light, you twirl around and send a stream of magic piercing through the hunk of rock, reducing it to dust.
"Oh, things just got a little more interesting ." the dog snickers.
"We can keep doing this for as long as you like." you huff. "But this only ends one way."
"And what might that be?" Fang scoffs.
Energy flickers through your knuckles.
"I END you."
"We'll see about that."
Green flames engulf your fists as you charge head on. Fang flings a spear of magic your way but watches in shock as you halt it in a green aura and toss it aside far into the horizon. You dip past his enormous fist and deal a swift uppercut to his chin, knocking him back.
"I admit, you are a worthy foe." Fang chuckled, rubbing his jaw. "Almost makes me want to spare your life."
"Spare me the compliments." you huff, lunging at the beast's neck and backhand him in the snout. Fang tosses you to the ground and pins your head down with his foot and aims his staff a few inches away from your cheek.
"Don't worry, I'll make this hurt ALOT ."
Vines suddenly launch out of the ground surrounding the dog, yank the staff aside as the magic forming in it blasts through the clouds and restrains his bulky arms from all sides.
"Let's send 'em to the doghouse!" Wally hollers, chucking tiny bags that explode into a thick, dusty orange mist that blinds the roaring dog's vision.
Mr. Jammers lifts the confused mongrel and slams him around as Wally gallops to your aid.
"Miss me?" she pants.
"Saved my butt once again." you sigh. "I owe you one. Where's the squirt?"
"AAAAAAAH-NAAAAAAH!!!"
Past the action, little Spirit scurries through the waving vines towards you.
"Kid, get out of there!" you holler.
A pink sphere the size of a beach ball forms around the little one and pulls him away before Fang is slammed on the spot. You watch the small ball roll towards a frazzled Starlight, who's clearly struggling to stand.
"STARLIGHT!"
"Get the little one out of here!" she groans, rolling the sphere towards you.
Up above, Fang slices the tough vines down to size and ties them into a complex bundle.
"Your determination is starting to pester me." he sighs, easily deflecting Wally's numbing thorns and pinning her by the neck against a boulder with a ring of magic.
You rush over, Spirit in hand, and build a glowing green brick wall ahead of Star as the beast fires another power shot.
"Humans like me are born to pester!"
"You said it, not me!" your pal utters, combining her magic with yours to form a tall, strong shield.
"Just surrender your magic and I won't enslave all of you. You'll instead be.......unpaid interns."
[Aw HELL naw! That MONSTER!!!]
"You can NEVER truly take the magic away!" you state proudly, adding more force to the growing energy. "Because we.......we...."
"Anon, what are you doing here?" Star grunts.
"I........I got nothing. Isn't this the part where Twilight and the others would give some hokey speech about friendship being true magic before dealing the finishing blow?"
"Yeah, but why do you NEED to do that at this moment exactly?"
"For dramatic effect, duh."
"Let's just stop this psycho already."
Channeling the team attack, you two demolish Fang's line of fire and his grip on Wally, sending him crashing into a rocky wall with a colossal wave of.......unknown friendship magic, leaving him in the dust. Taking the advantage, you leap in and out of the dust punching the beast from all sides. Wally continues her barrage of blinding nature powder as Starlight practically turns into a living machine gun, blasting shot after shot and barely giving Fang an opportunity to defend himself.
Now THIS is Equestria's Endgame!
"Teamwork, BITCH!" you cheer.
"Tee tah, BISH!" Spirit squeaks.
"No, no, don't repeat that squirt. Nonny made a oopsie."
"Tee tah, BISH!"
"Ugh, I set myself up with that one."
Eventually, Mr. Jammers breaks out of the dreaded quadruple knot and pins the dazed dog to the ground and tightly wraps around his limbs like a neat Hearth's Warming gift and knocks the staff out of his grasp.
"Anon, grab my horn!" Starlight yells.
"U-Uh.....why do you want me to-"
"JUST DO IT!"
Following the scary unicorn's demand, you grab her horn.
"Now get the crystal!"
As soon as you extract the crystal from the staff, Fang tears off his restraints and aggressively charges toward you all.
"Star...?"
"Just a little closer..."
Tension rises when the aggravated villain closes distance between you as Star's horn begins to shine brightly.
"Give me back my STAFF!!!"
"And.........NOW!"
Suddenly, magic courses through your body when the unicorn sends an intense surge of magic from your twitching body to the crystal in your hand. The bulky shard crackles in a illuminated aura of pink energy. What seemed like a weird Equestrian way of crossing the streams turned out to be more effective than expected. A large, twisted beam of magic bursts from the tip of the crystal and strikes the lunging dog in mid-air.
"What.......are.......you DOING?!" he roars.
The strength of friendship ~~and possibly love~~ stretch across and engulfs the screaming monster as it strips every ounce of power from your devious foe while he futilely attempts to escape his fate. Fang's ripped muscles and tall figure is soon reduced to it's normal, nonthreatening self.
There, the slightly burned mini-sized overlord struggles to stand up, digging his nubby claws into the dirt.
"THAT!" he grunts. "Was NOT.......fair."
Poor thing couldn't make it ten inches before falling flat on his face.
[FATALITY!]
"I-Is......is everypony alright?" you sigh, feeling the buzz of the magic that flowed through you. "Squirt?"
Spirit slides out from under your shirt and lets out a cute little sneeze, causing a speck of light to poof at the tip of his horn.
"Oh, his first horn poof!" you gasp. "Guys, Spirit had his first-"
Out of nowhere, Fang leaps at you roaring with a sharp branch in his paw. "You will PAY for this!" he growls.
"STAY AWAY FROM MY HUMAN!!!"
Starlight suddenly leaps in and karate bucks the lunging dog to the ground. The peeved unicorn starts viciously whaling on the poor pup with her sudden skillful ka-rah-tay moves as you watch on in awe, disturbance and anticipation. You couldn't believe the MOUTH on Glimmy because she starts using words you've never heard her use since.......EVER, like threatening to smash Fang's head into a smoothie and drink his thoughts, stuff like that. Eventually, all the pent up rage inside her fades and you peek over to look at the battered fur rug groaning in agony.
"Uh, Star...........I-I think you got him."
"You THINK?!" she pants heavily, snatching the crystal from you and crushing it into oblivion under her hoof.
"Jesus, you kicked him in the eye with a Siberian flying tiger! That was AWE-"
You find your fuming pal staring deeply into your soul with a terrifying sneer before stomping towards you. "Now on to YOU!" she grunts, shaking you violently in the air like a ragdoll with her small dosage of magic.
"WHAT! ABOUT! ME!" you holler woozily in the pony's enchanted grip.
"You pick just NOW to say you LOVE ME?!"
"Oh......you heard me?"
"Every. Last. Word."
"I thought you were DEAD . I checked your heart."
"You were a few inches off with that one."
Your face becomes redder than a baboon's ass.
"Ok, m-maybe now wasn't such a good moment, but-"
"I've been waiting bucking MONTHS for this and it took you THIS LONG!"
"I said I'm sorry! I didn't mean to........say huh?"
"I'll just say it like this: I tend to be VERY impatient sometimes. Now is one of those times. If you don't kiss me RIGHT now, I'm gonna chain you down and make you listen to 'Happy Together' on REPEAT-"
As quick as a flash, you grab the radiant beauty by the shoulders and pull her into a deep, passionate kiss. Star wraps her hooves around your back and pulls you even deeper into the kiss, letting out a cute little moan. At that moment, it was like a dream come true. No doubt about it, hooves down, Star is best kisser. Now, it was always known that ol' Glimmy takes charge every once in a while. But when it comes to making out...
"Uh, Glimmy." you utter, trying to catch your breath.
"Hold still." she muffled, horn glowing.
There, the feeling of what seemed to be your energy flowing outta you...
NO, not that feeling, you desperate pervs.
Soon, the rapid beating of your heart slows down to it's normal pace, only to beat a little faster at the fact that you're at first base with the girl of your dreams. Finally, Starlight pulls back, breaking the kiss.
"Wow." you pant. "That was.......something......that......we did."
"Yeah, no kidding." Star giggles. "I've never transferred magic THAT way before."
"W-Was it.........good for you too?"
"Y-Yeah."
You two sit there, awkwardly facing each other, blushing to the max.
"..."
"..."
"Hey.....I-I think I may have a little more magic left in me." you state.
"Really now?" Star snickers. "Let me just go ahead and take..."
Before getting deep into the kiss again, the unicorn pushes you back. "You had zero magic in you, did ya?"
"........I don't know." you laugh.
"Hey, if you two just wanna kiss, just do it already." Wally sighs. "I'll just be disgusted over here."
Seconds away from another spit-swapping makeout match-
"Ughhhhhhh...." Fang whines.
"What do we do with him, pal?"
"I don't know, but his tears of despair fuel my inner GODDESS ." Star shutters in delight.
[Woah, DOWN girl, DOWN girl!]
Soon, Spirit waddles in and spits a few tiny pebbles at Fang's forehead and let's out a squeaky little roar, to your amusement. "That's right, squirt." you coo. "You beat him. Good job!"
The goofy child clings to your arm giggling and blows a raspberry at the groggy dog.
"Time to banish you into nonexistence, vile beast." you bellow, dramatically snapping your finger and watching as a tiny ball of light flies out of your palm and pops like a harmless mini firework. "I think I have a better idea."
Snapping a thick branch from a nearby tree, you head back toward the groaning fleabag and hand it to your loving pal.
"Care to do the honors, my dear?"
"Oh, I would be DELIGHTED." Star grunts, taking the branch with a malicious grin.
With a swift, strong swing, Starlight whacks the hollering dog far into the horizon, never to be seen again. Villainy finally vanquished, Star hops into your arms and holds you in a tight, warm embrace. In the corner of your eye, you see Wally cover Spirit's eyes as Mr. Jammers covers hers. Wally could gag all she wanted...
She's mad cuz she hasn't made it up to bat yet...
"Seriously, parents let their kids WATCH things that are THAT violent?"
"Yes, what is there to be confused about, Star?" you ask.
"With the anvils and the dynamite and the animals falling off high cliffs and stuff?"
"That is correct, yes."
"..."
"..."
"Humans are weird."
"Hey, I RESENT that.......I don't deny it. But I resent it."
Mr. Jammers cuts through a bundle of branches and bushes up ahead. You all step out from the gloomy Everfree Forest to see what you and your pal thought you'd never see again.
"Friends." Wally says cheerfully. "Welcome home."
Down below, still in its tranquil, easygoing state lies Ponyville. Ponies are still happy, going about their day as usual. The sun is shining, the foals are playing and everything seems to be doing alright.
"Well." you sigh. "There it is."
"Home." Starlight says. "We made it. Welcome to Ponyville, Spirit."
"Baba babaaaa!" the little one giggles, happily clapping his hooves.
"Hmm, something's.......different about this place?" Wally ponders.
"Oh, you mean the gigantic crystal castle over there." you point out.
"THAT'S what it was. Wasn't around to see that built."
"Yeah, owner's a real egghead."
What seems to catch your attention is the vast amount of flyers attached to almost every building in the little town.
"Is that-"
A lone piece of paper suddenly crashes into your face. Examining the flyer, you see a picture of your confused mug in the center of the sheet reading:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS HYEWMUN?!
- Goofy green face. - Film egghead. - Subtle as a buck to the face. - Dance 'Master'.
If found, please chant Pinkie three times.
"ME?" you gasp. "Dabuq?! You guys STILL can't spell my species' NAME right?!"
"Hey, mine's no better." Star groans, handing you another flyer blowing in the wind.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS UNICORN?!
- Pink fur. - OP magic (whatever that means). - May or may not have almost caused the destruction of Equestria as we know it. - Uses lavender-scented shampoo (according to Nonny).
"Dang it, Pinkie." you utter.
"Dang it, Pinkie." Star says, shaking her head.
"W-Who's Pinkie?" Wally asks.
"NONNY!!!"
Predictably, but not so predictably, the bubbly pink menace slams full force into your body, clinging onto you with her signature death grip as Spirit ducks back into the crate in your hands.
"I FOUND THEM, I FOUND THEM, I FOUND THEM, I FOUND THEM, I FOUND- MMM!!!"
To your surprise, Star clamps the pony's yapping trap shut with her magic.
"Yes, Pinkie." she sighs. "We're back. We've been through alot and we're very tired, so save your questions for later, 'kay?"
The party pone nods her head as her muzzle is released.
[3.....2.....1...]
"Awww, who's the little guy?" she squees.
"What did I just say?" Star grunts under her breath.
"Pinkie, this is Spirit." you state. "Spirit, Pinkie."
"Pee-kee?" Spirit babbles.
"Eeeeeeee, he said my name!" Pinkie cheers.
"Okay, not worth freaking out over it." you scoff.
Starlight gives you a quizzical look as you all make your way down towards town. It's almost like a weird form of dΓ©jΓ vu seeing everypony stare at you in awe like they've seen a ghost or something. Most looked on in awe, others looked in confusion upon seeing you all dirty and beaten. Pinkie, meanwhile, swiftly hops around tearing down every poster around. Soon, a familiar voice grabs your attention.
"Ugh, I told Pinkie not to go overboard with the posters." the voice groaned. "I know she's determined, but- SWEET CELESTIA!!!"
At the end of the street, jaws hanging low, is Twilight, Spike and the girls.
"Hey, friends." you wave.
"Miss us?" Star chuckles sheepishly.
Before you or Star could blink, the Mane 6 + Spike dive into a group hug, ecstatically blabbering on about searching for you two.
"Where have you two BEEN?!" Rainbow exclaims. "You just left everypony hanging!"
"What HAPPENED to you?!" Rarity gasps, staring at the many holes in your clothes.
"Woo doggy, y'all look a mess!" Applejack huffs.
"Tell us about it." you and Star slur in unison.
"Who's this little one?" Fluttershy asks.
"Girls, this is Spirit." Star states. "Spirit, girls."
"Spee-ray!" the baby squeaks.
Every mare squees and coos around the happy little foal. No matter what age, you still think ponies are cutest when they make the silliest faces and sounds.
"Where'd the youngin' come from?" AJ asks.
"A crate of fruit." you state. "We just found him on a beach and there was no one else around."
"WHAT?!?!" everymare gasped.
"It's true." Star adds. "He's a brave little guy, though."
After all the baby worshipping subsides, you notice Twilight turning her attention to Wally.
"Oh, and you are?" she asks.
"O-Oh, I'm Wallflower." Wally nods nervously. "Wallflower Blush. A-And this little vine here is Mr. Jammers. We........w-we helped them get back here."
"Hmm.......that name sounds super familiar to me." Twilight ponders. "Nevertheless, we are so glad these two are back and we thank you for that."
"Really? N-No problem."
"Don't be fooled." you chuckle. "She's a tough one. She saved our hides out there."
"What happened?"
"I don't know." Starlight huffs. "We just woke up one day in the middle of the forest..."
Then, as Star fills the gang in on your misadventure, it suddenly comes back to you:
[Discord...]
"WHO'S UP FOR ANOTHER FANTASTICAL ADVENTURE IN SPIKETOPIA?!" you bark.
In a flash, the dorky, disfigured spirit of chaos abruptly poofs before you all in his usual Lord of the Rings knockoff outfit, bow and arrow raised.
"0nWarD, gEntz!" he cheers. "V1ctoRy shaLL be OuRs!"
Discord's medieval banter is halted by the stern stares you and the others bestow upon him.
"Ah, AnOnyMoUs! StArLigHT! You'RE BAcK!"
"Don't get all chummy with us, you slimy JERK!" you yell.
"Uh, Anon?" Star utters. "What is going on?"
"Oh, y0u meAn tHe fakt tHat I'vE suCceSsfuLLy h0oked U 2 luvb1rdS UP?"
"Anon, what is he talking about?"
"SiLLy StArL!gHt. hE didN'T teLL y0u H0W YoU tw0 wErE oUt thEre?"
"What are you getting at-"
You take a few steps aside as you witness a huge frown forming on the unicorn's face. Ponies passing by quickly scurry past before stuff gets real. Even you can tell how screwed Discord felt as Star yanks him down by the beard with her magic.
"So YOU'RE the one responsible for this insanity?!" she hollers, displaying all of her bruises. "You were just WATCHING us like this was one big GAME ?!"
"Well, he IS Discord." Twi and the others say in unison.
"Do you have any IDEA what we've been through?! We almost fell down a WATERFALL !"
You all watch in shock as Glimmy rants on while you cover a confused Spirit's ears.
"We're wet." Star continues. "We're cold. We have nature in places nature shouldn't BE in! What do you have to SAY for yourself?!"
"A-At leAst y0u'RE bOtH toGeTheR NoW...?" Discord shrugs sheepishly.
"Wrong. Answer."
As an ominous blue glow appears at the tip of Star's horn, you finally cut in.
"Woah, cool off the horn, Star." you say, scratching behind her ears and easing her anger. "Let me handle this. Spike, what's the penalty for endangering others in O&O?"
The dragon picks up a twig nearby and clears his throat.
"As the Dungeon Dragon Master, I hereby banish thee from 'Ogres and Oubliettes' for a whole MONTH!" he states dramatically.
The draconequus' eyes literally POP out of his skull as he falls to his mismatched knees. "Y-YoU c@n'T DO tHat!" he exclaims. "
"Sorry, dude, you have betrayed the land of Spiketopia and must pay the price."
"N0 moRe wiLL i be p4rt of tHe buzZ, FoR th1s iz thE EnD of CaPt@in WuZz ."
With a heavy sigh, Discord woefully swoons and disappears into a puff of trippy looking smoke and leaving behind his attire, to everyone's confusion.
"It's a guy thing, you wouldn't understand." you nod. "Trust me, his obsession over it makes this the ultimate punishment."
"I say, talk about dramatic ." Rarity utters.
All of you turn to the hypocrite unicorn.
"What?"
[Ah, it's good to be home.]
Sweet Celestia, you haven't had a shower this great since........last week . This whole crazy adventure seemed to have lasted forever that a simple shower felt like heaven at the moment. You rarely went camping anywhere, but you can completely understand why Glimmy hates it. Even though it does jackshit for protecting you, you kinda sorta missed mosquito spray...
It passed.
Anyways, you dry off and get yourself dressed as you head out through the halls where you soon spot your bedroom door wide open. Checking it further, you find, much to your dismay, that everything in the room is gone, including the BED. There, Spike comes flying by.
"U-Uh, bro?" you say, pointing at the vacant space. "W-Where's my stuff?"
"In your room." Spike nods.
"What do you mean?"
"Follow me."
Downstairs in the foyer, you see Twilight, Starlight, Wally and the others watching a happy Spirit scurrying around the room. The little one spots you and comes waddling towards you squealing-
"Ah-Nah!"
"What's the matter, Anon?" Twilight asks. "You look a little flustered there."
"Did you guys sell my stuff?!"
"U-Uh, Applejack wanted to take it!" Rainbow stutters. "I-I tried to stop her!"
"ExCUSE me?" the farm pony snorts. "Who was the one who hollered 'Dibs on his music box thingy!' ?"
"Enough petty bickering!" you huff. "What's going on?!"
"Well, before you and Starlight's.......departure , me and the girls have been crafting a little surprise for you for quite some time."
"What's that?"
"NO PEEKING!!!" Pinkie shrieks, clinging to your body and covering your eyes. "You're gonna LOVE this, Nonny!"
Even with the furry gremlin's squishy hooves covering your face, you could tell with the familiar POOF that Twilight teleported you all somewhere outside.
"I don't know." you utter. "You sure it's something I'm gonna 'love' or what?"
"I hope so." Twilight chuckles. "Or else this would've been a total waste of materials."
"Wait, a total waste of what-"
Before you could process what the egghead stated, Pinkie releases her grip from your face to reveal a freshly made red mailbox.
"Ooh......a mailbox." you say unenthusiastically. "Thanks, I guess?"
"Look at the side." Star says.
Leaning over, you find something big written on the mailbox's side:
? ANON ?
"Girls, what's all this-"
Your throat begins to choke up as you gaze upon what's beyond the mailbox.
"......about?"
There, behind a nice and neat lawn is a house. A tall, well built, cozy looking house not too far from Twilight's castle or Ponyville. The roof was made of hay like every other home in town, the walls were made of sturdy wood and stone, all topped with a charming chimney.
"Welcome home, Anon." Twilight says. "It took alot of thinking, and ALOT of paperwork, but we feel like you deserve to have your own official home here in Equestria."
"T-That's for me?" you utter.
"Of course, silly." Pinkie giggles. "Are.......is that a TEAR I see there, Nonny?"
"I'm not crying! I-I'm gonna go punch a wall to assert my manliness!"
"So you keep saying." Rainbow sighs. "Go check out the place first."
Inside, you could tell they had a field day working on this place. It has what you'd normally see in a simple living room: a nice, long sofa, a few arm chairs, a few fancy vases and plants, a coffee table, stylish lamps, a cool fireplace in front of the sofa and decorative pillows.
Lots. And lots. Of decorative pillows...
[Thanks, Rarity...]
Like Pinkie hooked on a pack of powdered sugar, you practically bounce off the walls admiring every square inch of the house babbling like a psychotic fangirl.
"Is that a kitchen?"
"Obviously." Star giggles.
"Is that a bedroom?"
"Actually, that's the guest bedroom. Yours is upstairs." Spike says.
"There's an upstairs bedroom?" you gasp.
"We even had Doctor Whooves install that 'air conditioning' thing you keep mentioning humans having." Twilight states.
"Squirt, there are stairs, YES!!!"
"Yaaaaaay!" the baby squeals.
That inane outburst of yours suddenly sinks in...
"Sweet Celestia, there are STAIRS ! I have to childproof this place!"
"Hey, hey, relax." Star says softly, rubbing up against you. "We'll work on it later, 'kay, pal?"
"Okay, pal."
"Do you like it?" Rarity asks. "It's not too much?"
"This......this is perfect." you state warmly. "I love it. Thank you all so much."
Hug time has commenced as you pull the greatest friends of your life into a big group hug.
"You too, Wally." you laugh as the shy mare is magically pulled into the hug.
"I-I'm not used to hugs like this." Wally grunts.
"Come on, you know you like it." Star says slyly.
"Okay, okay.......just this once."
"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED !!!" Pinkie screams, setting off her party cannon.
Well, consider your first ever housewarming party a grand success. You have marked this territory as your dance den for you have performed the ritualistic dance of the 'Apache' and jumped the day away with your friends to witness. It is now getting closer to sundown and Twilight and friends have decided to call it a night. As you lay back on the sofa enjoying your air conditioned home, you see Wallflower heading for the door with Mr. Jammers wrapped around her.
"Hey, Wally." you say. "Where you going?"
"Me and Mr. Jammers are going to head out before it gets too dark." she states.
"Are you sure you wanna go back to living all alone in the woods again? Why don't you give Ponyville another chance?"
"I-I don't know, Anon. What if I'm still invisible to everypony again?"
"Hey, with all the craziness that we just endured, did we think you're invisible at any point?"
"W-Well, no, but-"
"Did we ever treat you bad in any way?"
"Well.....you did force me to dance and say your weird 'Dancer's Pledge of Allegiance' thing, so..."
"D-Don't change the subject."
"Would you at least keep it in mind?" Starlight asks, opening the door with her magic and stepping inside.
"I........I'll think about it, guys."
Glimmy gives Wally a quick hoof hug.
"Safe travels, Wallflower."
"Thank you, Starlight."
"Buh buh!" Spirit waves.
"Heh, bye bye to you too, Spirit." Wally giggles. "Let's go, Mr. Jammers."
Star holds the door open and closes it behind Wally and a waving Mr. Jammers before turning back to you with a seductive grin.
"So, what brings you back here?" you ask.
"I came to see you again." she giggles.
"For what reason, exactly?"
You scoot over as the cheeky unicorn trots over and leaps up next to you on the sofa. She pushes back as she climbs on your lap, wrapping her hooves around your neck.
"I think you know." she whispers in your ear.
[Dear Princess Celestia, give me STRENGTH...]
Before you could even blink, you two find yourselves passionately making out with each other. Star uses her weight to pull you over her, her lips still incredibly attached to yours. Your affection session is cut short as you look up to see little Spirit watching in bewilderment.
"Squirt, you goofball!" you chuckle, picking him up. "You know, I'm impressed with you, little britches. After everything we've been through, you didn't once have to-"
The happy colt's diaper suddenly droops down a few inches.
"Ugh, never mind."
"Hee hee."
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Chapter 1: Prancing with Myself
Wind.
All you hear is the wind blowing. All you SEE is a field. An empty, endless, silent field with the breeze being the only sound present. The sky is clear, not a single fluffy cloud in sight. The true embodiment of peace.
"Anooooon." a voice echoes.
There, you jump in surprise and look around for the source. Everything grew silent once more before another "Anooooon" echoes across the landscape. That all too familiar voice lures you towards an open field full of flowers. As you trudge through the patch, stray colorful kites flutter about the clear sky until you reach a steep hilltop.
And there she was.
Standing at the tip of the hill was none other than your best pal Starlight Glimmer, maneuvering a blue box-kite, with a plate of tea cakes beside her. Her eyes shined brighter than a radiant starry night as she turns to you, giving you an expectant smile. With your signature dopey grin, you sit beside the unicorn where she poofs a kite in your grasp. Although, despite the mare's 'knowledge' on these things, you still stand by the fact that kites are HARD to control and your arms tied up in kite strings was evident enough.
[Good grief.] you thought.
The unicorn giggles at your predicament while she untangles you. As you both work to wriggle you free, Starlight's hoof brushes against your hand, prompting you two to stare into each other's eyes. You looked at her. She looked at you. You looked back at her and she looked right back at you.
Those mesmerizing anime-sized pools of pure beauty melted your heart and every other organ in your body. The way she smiled and how gracefully her mane blew in the breeze has always left you speechless. But she did all the talking as she leans in, closing the distance between you both as her eyes become half-lidded; you follow her lead. It was just the two of you, no worries, no problems, no Pinkie. The whole Hakuna Matata. Just you, her and a plate of cakes. You loved it. It was a moment you'd wish would last forever, and it did...
For five seconds.
A centimeter away from scoring, your eyes jet open as you notice the sky growing darker with thunderous clouds blocking out the sun. Your pal turns your attention back to her with a reassuring smile as she moves closer. Before you could react, a bolt of lightning violently strikes your kite, electricuting you to oblivion.
"Anon! Anon, wake up!"
Jumping out of bed, you crane kick something small into the curtains. Eventually you come to and wake up.
"Huh, who-wazit?!" you mutter as you compose yourself.
You are Anon.
It's been almost a year since you've decided to live in Equestria with the ponies you have considered friends. Had some wacky adventures, partied till dawn, friendshipped really hard, the usual. No way you'd take them for granted or treat them badly...
Except one at the moment.
Suddenly, the curtains tossing and turning on the floor catches your attention.
"Well a good- ugh, morning to you too bro."
From the clutter emerges your dragon bro, Spike.
"Ah, I'm so sorry Spike. I had a...nightmare."
"You were a centimeter away, weren't ya?" he asks slyly.
You pause in your tracks.
"I-I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Aw come on Anon. Why haven't you asked her out already, huh?"
"Why haven't you asked Rarity out already, huh?"
Spike prepares to protest but hangs his head in defeat. "Point taken. But I'm working on it and so should you."
"I thought I told you it's INCREDIBLY weird for us humans to be in THOSE kinds of relationships with ponies."
"Yeah, you said humans get assistants if they do, right?" he asks.
"No, it's not THAT kind of aid-"
You sigh and remember that this is SPIKE you're talking to.
You'll tell him when he's older...
Probably.
"Nevermind, let's just get ready for work."
The little dragon heads out as you get yourself situated. "You two would make a cute couple."
"Hey, I said no shippers in this room!!!" you exclaim. "And even if I wanted to, I choke!"
The cheeky dragon snickers to himself as he closes the door behind him. You love the kid, but if he's gonna keep yanking your chain like that, there will be hell to pay. You finish getting dressed and head out, contemplating your bro's 'wisdom'.
[I don't know, should I ask her?] you thought. [Let's be rational about this. She's a pony, I'm a human. So different, and yet...so alike.]
You stop to reminisce the times you two have spent together. The way she smiled, her lavender-scented mane, those persian blue eyes...
[Nah, I'm not THAT desperate.]
That was a lie.
Whatever the case, you suit up, put on your headphones and make your way out the castle.
You jam out down the path to the school of friendship, getting a casual 'hello' or 'sup, bro' from the townsponies. You've been pretty well-known in Ponyville over the many months being here. Thankfully, you weren't known as 'Fluffy' there. What happens at the school of friendship STAYS at the school of friendship. Instead, everyone saw you as a great guy. You'd tell the epic "true" historical tales of Earth to Cheerilee's class on a weekly basis, like the time you mentioned the dark lord that is Michael Bay. You still get choked up thinking about that day all the colts started a...semi-fan club about you. But all fan clubs have at least one nut, and in your case, that was-
"OMC, hey there, Anon!"
You turn to see the aquamarine unicorn trotting towards you.
"Hey, Lyra." you sigh. "My day is fine, no I don't shave, and NO I'm not rubbing your belly."
"But can yooou...?" she hums expectantly. You groan in defeat, reach over and give her a quick scratch behind the ears.
"Eeeeeee! Bon Bon's gotta hear this!" she squees and gallops away.
[Like the other 58 times she told her that.] you thought.
Damn ponies. You knew this little mare meant well, but...
Jesus.
Eventually, you make it to the school, ready to battle all the grease and grime amassed by ~~Pinkie~~, ~~bad ass kids~~ students. It was like a dream come true. Everyone there knew you. And everyone there LIKED you. All those days of work you're surrounded by nothing but friends. You're one of those few people who actually love their job. But there's one thing that you would look forward to...
And you bumped into her.
"Oh hey, you."
There stood the unicorn mare Starlight, a bright smile on her face. "How is your day, Anon?"
"I-I'm doing great." you stutter. "H-How 'bout you?"
"Eh, just like any other day." she shrugs. "Shame we have to work. It's actually beautiful out there."
"Like yo-" you pause as she turns to you. "Y-yeah, that's a pity. Perfect weather for flying kites."
[Dude, don't even think about hitting on- hey, did she do something new with her hair?!]
"Hm, there's always a time for kites, I say."
"Heh, yep."
[Come on, dummy! Go for it!]
"Um, Glimmy?"
"Yes, Fluffy?"
You cringe at the nickname, but you knew how she felt about friendly name calling.
[Tell her something already! 'Are you doing anything later?', 'Wanna hang out later?', hell, ask her if she likes goddamn CHEESE!]
With eyes like hers, it's impossible to focus on anything.
"I...you...y-you have something in your mane." you sigh.
[Buck you and your fragile emotions.]
You reach over and pluck a barely noticeable speck from her hair.
"Oh, thank you pal." she says, giving you a friendly shove before trotting off. "Well, see ya after school."
"Y-Yeah...see ya."
The bell rings, signaling the socializing students to head to class. Everyone scatters about to their respective rooms, leaving you alone in the hallways.
"Damn it..."
You mentally castrate yourself as you get to work.
Author's Note
Welcome back my ponies.
Best B-Day evah!
Chapter 15: "Friendly" Training
"Ughhhh, I'm not sure if I can do this, Anon-"
"Less talky, more strutty!" you bark.
You and Spirit are chilling on the cushy couch observing a clumsy Wallflower flipping and flopping across the floor. The little colt is having the time of his life as you bark at the slightest mistake made, making the mare do move after move like it's a mashup of Just Prance, playing different songs that throw off what little rhythm she had.
Soon, a humming Starlight trots in, catching you and Wally's attention. "Starlight, HELP!" the mare squeals.
"Quiet, you! Now cha cha real smooth! And continue reciting the Dancer's Pledge of Allegiance!"
"O-One nation under a groove, getting down just for the f-funk of it. One nation and we're on the m-move, nothing can stop us now!"
The unicorn winces and looks at the twisted up Wally. "You said you weren't a dancer, didn't you?"
The pony pretzel falls on her side groaning.
"Don't worry, I made the same mistake."
[Hey, just be glad I didn't make you floss. That's the ultimate punishment!]
"Whatever, Star. What's the sitch?"
"So, Fang said he'll let us go on our way-"
"Oh, good news."
"If we.......bring in the crowds." she winces.
"WHAT?!" you and Wally exclaim.
"We worked out a deal: he'll let some of the children enroll into the school if we 'fill those seats' and all that."
"W-Why US though?"
"Apparently, we're very popular at the moment." Star claims, holding a wrinkly newspaper in her magic.
"Crap, my eyes were closed!"
"But I dunno, he sure must has a thing for HORNS, though. Kept staring at mine for a........slightly alarming amount of time." the unicorn ponders. "Anyways, no red flags there."
Suddenly, a short, grey-coated dog with adorkable glasses stumbles into the room. "H-Hi there, assistant toadie Kibbles, at your service!" she salutes proudly with a cute little lisp. "Fang requests that you two report to the training grounds."
"Seriously?" you groan. "My BACK is still recovering from me being used as a projectile. I need some time to chillax for a bi- OW!!!" You slap at the sharp pain in your spine as you turn to a sly Wally, who's carrying a skinny thorn in her teeth. "Lazy 'hyewmuns' need lazy lavender." she states smugly. "Got two more of these."
Before you could protest, that warm, numbing feeling spreads throughout your entire body. "N-No! I don't WANNA go!"
"Come on, Anon." Starlight sighs, magically dragging you out of the room. "Stop acting like a foal."
"Gah dah!"
"Oop, no offense, Spirit."
"That'll be it. Welcome to the Killiseum." Kibbles says warmly, letting Starlight through the gates before turning to you. "Name?"
"Anonymous Unknown." you state.
"Okay, sex?"
[Yes, please.]
"Male."
The dog scribbles down in her notepad. "Alrighty then, race?"
['Merica!]
"Human."
"Occupation?"
"Dance Master."
"ANON!!!" Starlight barks.
"Fine, fine. Janitor." you groan.
"Any special abilities?"
"Kar-ah-tay and music mojo!"
The little pup mutters, continuing her enthusiastic scribbling. "Okay, that'll be it, thank you. Welcome to the Killiseum."
You follow your unicorn pal into the crowdless arena where a few guard dogs are sparring and roughhousing with one another. There, you two find a large array of badass weaponry from axes to maces to clubs to swords and shields, none of which were covered in blood, surprisingly.
And yet, there was no oversized key...
Suddenly, you're alerted by a dog's yelp.
"Oh, dog." Kibbles scurries over towards an unconscious guard, who has a wooden club against his noggin, with a tiny first aid kit.
"Oof, thought their heads were a little........HARDER, if you know what I mean." Star winces.
"Yeah, I tried to have some protective helmets issued here but Mr. Fang turned it down." the li'l pup sighs. "Says it 'weakens the suspense' or something like that."
"I always keep someone in suspense." you state proudly.
"How, Anon?" your pal scoffs.
"..."
"H-How, Anon?"
"..."
"ANON?" the unicorn pauses and smacks her forehead.
"My point exactly."
A salty Star bats you in the head with a silver shield. "Just hush up and knuckle down, because that's where you're going!"
"Pfft, what, is that supposed to be, your trash tal-"
Soon, you duck behind the shield as the unicorn chucks an axe at it, slamming you down on your ass.
"Ugh, what was that for, you could've gave me a heart attack!" you gasp.
Actually, you should've been dead years ago, but your heart was WAY too lazy to attack you. Starlight aims the long weapon at your chest, a cocky grin on her face. "Ha ha, you are no match for me!"
But you weren't gonna just sit there and get beaten like eggs at IHOP.
Catching the mare off guard, you knock the sword aside and backflip into a karate stance, Captain America style. "Bring. It."
"Oh, I will."
The powerful equine soon surrounds herself with every weapon on the shelf, aiming every single one your way, all with the most devious smile that'll rival the Grinch.
[Time to nut up or shut up.]
There, you expose both of your special abilities in one epic combo. Using your music's rhythm and kung fu expertise, you spin kick a long sword out of Starlight's magic grasp, grab the weapon's handle and parry an incoming spear down. Despite your alert awesomeness, your pal wasn't giving up so easily. Her horn shines brightly as she flings sword after mace after axe after spear, each you narrowly deflect away. As far as you were concerned, this was better than 'Into the Dragon'.
"Heh, i-is that all you got, Glimmy? Afraid you can't take me head on?"
"Ha, it's your hospital bill, Anon."
Your pal drops all but a thick, shiny sword and charges in with an aggressive attack. Every strike she deals stings your hands and nearly grazes your chest as she begins to push you back toward the edge of the platform. Before you could react, Glimmy disarms you and holds you from both sides with both weapons, fire in her eyes. "W-Whoa, STAR! Aren't you getting just a LITTLE bit carried away here?"
"What? Afraid you're gonna lose?" she laughs maniacally. "Afraid that you're no match for me?"
"Sure, you may be more powerful than me, but-" You leap over the pony as she slashes at where you stood, land on her back and lightly scratch behind her ears. "Nopony is immune to THESE!"
Starlight was immediately putty in your hands, dropping everything in her grip, falling to the ground and sighing in delight as you work your own magic. "You feelin' alright, Star?" you ask, rubbing up and down the mare's back.
"Y-Yeah......I-I feel a little funny." she moans. "Why do you ask?"
"W-What do........but you........j-just tried to..............never mind." you sigh.
"Ugh, feel dirty too."
[GOOD.]
"BISCUIT BREAK!!!" Kibbles exclaims cheerfully. The other dogs roar in excitement as they shove their way towards the small pup, who's carrying a tray of dusty, bone-shaped biscuits. The quirky canine ducks through all the chaos towards you both. "Care for some?"
[Dude, you can't deny puppy eyes!]
You both figure 'what the hay' and take one. However, the crust dust that slides off the treat as you lift it to your mouth did deter you. It's made even worse, however, when you feel your teeth being filed down with every bite.
"What do you think?"
You shield your face and gag for a few seconds before composing yourself. "It's a'ight." you state nonchalantly.
"Word of advice: add baking powder." Star gags.
"Baking powder?"
You feel the rocky treat hit your gut like a bomb. "Yup, LOTS of baking powder." you groan.
The chipper puppy writes down a few notes as she escorts you, Star and the other rowdy mutts out of the arena and through the maze-like hallways. Amidst all the crowding dogs, Kibbles directs you both towards a dark, stony, unfamiliar hallway.
"Ugh, what is that SMELL?!" the unicorn coughs.
"Kibbles must've- COUGH pointed in the wrong direction."
"Y-Yeah, we should-"
Something shiny catches your eye.
[SHINAYYY!!!]
"I know THAT look!" your pal barks, magically restraining you. "We are NOT staying here, it literally stinks."
"Least it isn't Discord's cheese wheels. Now, let's get through this quickly.......and quietly ."
"Now, remind me WHY we are just mindlessly searching a dark and spooky cave? This isn't-"
"SHH!" you cut her off. "Star, it's the rugged adventurer way. You wouldn't understand."
"But that doesn't add-"
"SHH!"
"It's-"
"SHH!"
"I-"
"SHH!"
"Would-"
"SHH! Knock knock..."
"Who's there-"
"SHH!"
"Look-"
"Let me sing you a little song about a mare named- SHH! SHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Fine." she groans.
"..."
"..."
"SHH!"
"I didn't say anything!"
"Had to be sure."
"It's not like we're gonna get in TROUBLE, or anything!"
[You just HAD to say that...]
Soon, you're both surrounded by tons of glowing red eyes lurking in the darkness, followed by low, beastly growls.
".......oops." Star gulps.
