Bucking Peanut Butter

by Super Saiyan D

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Trixie, Comedy, Sunburst, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4854

Somepony left the lid off the peanut butter. And now, Starlight is about to blow her lid.

There's an old saying that all it takes is one bad day to drive the sanest guy around to lunacy. Or in this case, one happy, expectant, formerly villainous unicorn into a seething, barely-held-together dam of fury and death ready to burst. What happens when somepony leaves the peanut butter open for the umpteenth time? Somepony is gonna get it and get it good.

Proofread by Bok.

Featured: 11/11/18

Published 2018-11-11 12:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-11 12:10:02 UTC

The Only Chapter

Starlight Glimmer was not having a good day.

In retrospect, one would think just the opposite would be true. Sunburst had come to Ponyville for an extended visit last week. He’d happened across a new trove of old tombs that he’d been ecstatic to share with Twilight and her. His enthusiasm for old magical records and knowledge, if a bit excessive at times, was rather adorable. Even if he’d again spend a lot of time fawning over relics with Twilight. And, if they seemed to be spending more time in each other’s company than usual. ...And, maybe once or twice she’d seen Twilight snuggling just a little too close than she was okay with– but that was neither here nor there! Despite that, and a few other... mildly annoying habits she’d discovered, it was a joy to have him over. Really. Even if she had yet to catch a glimpse of how that tush looked underneath that cloak of his.

It would stand to reason that she would be in good spirits, what with her oldest-friend-slash-secret-crush living with her for a couple weeks. But, in the words of a madman, all it takes is one bad day to turn the brightest, most hopeful mare around into a jaded, incensed, unstable powder keg ready to burst.

Starlight’s bad day began with the sound of an explosion from somewhere in the castle that practically knocked her out of bed far earlier than she would have liked to have gotten up. After tending to her sore elbow and angrily lurching to the main hall, she found Spike, Discord, and Big Mac around the table. Deep in the throws of an impromptu session of Ogres & Oubliettes. An explanation about the supposed dire need to hasten a final battle with a five-headed dragon, and resolve the story arc of Garbunkle’s temptation to the allures of dark magic didn’t do much to quell her anger.

Figuring that going back to sleep during the guys’ game wasn’t an option, Starlight made the “brilliant” decision to just leave then and there. In her aggravation she didn’t even bother to make herself breakfast. She figured she’d just get something on the road during her errands.

She’d made a quick stop to the furniture store – the only major thing on her to do list. A letter from Sugar Belle had asked if she could pick out and ship a extra cabinet to the village, needing more space for utensils and ingredients to accommodate her extra display space. Starlight of course had happily agreed. Finding a suitable one with relative ease, she expected it to go off without a hitch.

Then came the post office.

What followed was a nearly thirty minute wait with a crowded lobby, a broken AC, and a foal that kept crying and wailing far beyond her ability to love and tolerate. Only when she finally reached the window did the office employee inform her that to deliver furniture, she needed a special label that was only supplied by the furniture store.

The growling of her empty stomach didn’t make the second trip across town any easier.

She arrived back at the furniture store, grumpily repeated what the office pony told her, and was outraged to hear that store didn’t carry those. The confused salespony said that all packaging labels and requirements were to be handled by the post office. A trek across Ponyville, for nothing.

Starlight was, shall we say, a tiny bit miffed.

She stormed back to the post office and demanded to see the manager when the hapless window pony proved to be of no help. When he got their and heard of her predicament, a frustrated glower at the employee was quickly followed by him reaching into a drawer just below the window and retrieving the exact label that she needed from within. The new associate could only offer a sheepish smile in response, doing his best not to wither under Starlight’s hateful stare.

So, problem solved, right? Now Starlight could go stuff her face to her heart’s content, right?

Wrong.

The line at the Hay Burger was hardly any better than the stupid post office. It was the lunchtime rush hour and the place was severely understaffed. Worsened by the fact that an obnoxious mare with a fat neck kept shouting at an apparently new member of the staff for screwing up her order, making him drop things and work even slower.

It took all of Starlight’s self control not to mentally maim the pernicious pony with a mind-crushing spell.

Finally getting her first meal of the day twenty minutes later, she violently consumed her Bun Lovers in ten seconds flat and stomped to the market. Twilight had left her a list of groceries to pick up. She’d be out for the day, attending the Royal High Tea for at the Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns. Celestia had invited her to share her experience with the next generation of young magic learners; of course, Twilight was never one to turn her mentor down. So restocking the pantries following her and Spike’s most recent cook-off fell to Starlight.

After a blissfully uneventful shopping spree, she at last made it back to the castle. Stomach full, but nerves still wound tighter than a griffon’s pocketbook. She marched to the kitchen slammed the door behind her. Dropping her groceries down on the countertop, she was about to return to her room and curl up for a good three-to-four hour nap, when something in the middle of the kitchen table caught her eye. Made her stop dead in her tracks. Her gaze locked unflinchingly at the table. For several seconds, the only motion across her face the uncomfortable twitching of her left eye.

The peanut butter jar had been left out in the open. Uncovered. Again.

Starlight’s face twisted, abhorrent anger quivering in her jaw. This. Was the last. Straw. Filling her lungs with air, she raised her head and shouted with everything she could muster for the pony she knew to be responsible:

“SUUUUUUUUNBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRSSST!!!!”

Her cry echoed through the halls, reverberating of the pristine walls of the crystal castle. She didn’t have to wait long before there was a faint clopping of hoofsteps outside the door, drawing closer and closer. The door burst open to reveal her childhood friend, a panicked expression upon his face.

“S-Starlight?! What’s going on? Where’s the leak? What’s on fire? Who died?!!”

Starlight’s eyes burned on him. “Nowhere, nothing, and nopony.” She resisted the urge to add ‘yet’ to the end of that sentence.

Releasing a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, Sunburst sighed in relief. “Oh, thank Celestia... goodness Starlight don’t scare me like that! I thought we were under attack for a minute there. So then... what’s the problem?”

Starlight stepped right up to him, looking him straight in the face as her eyes narrowed. “What. Is. THAT?!” She whipped her hoof towards the counter top. Following to where she pointed, Sunburst slowly looked. Then he blinked, pushing up his glasses with a perplexed squint.

“Is that… peanut butter?”

Starlight frowned. “Why yes, Sunburst. That’s exactly what it is. A jar of peanut butter. An open jar of peanut butter. Could you have any idea what it is doing there?”

Sunburst looked back and forth between her face and the jar, baffled.

“Oh. You seem confused,” Starlight said sarcastically. “I figured. After all, you didn’t seem to notice any of the other times you left it on the counter either.”

“W-W-Wait just a minute! You think I left it there?” Sunburst stuttered.

“Well it didn’t just wander out of the cabinet by itself, did it?” Starlight replied sardonically, randomly grabbing a bag of flour from her groceries and pointing it into his face for emphasis. “It wasn’t some drawer-dwelling, peanut-butter-opening, stubby-spike-tail-having, dog-looking thing, was it?”

“As a matter of fact, there’s no ruling that out. Twilight was telling before me about this time in a mine–”

“Don’t change the subject!” Starlight interrupted, stomping her hoof. “Just admit that you did it and clean up after yourself.”

“But I’m telling you, I didn’t do it!” He insisted.

“Don’t give me excuses!” she scolded, poking him in the chest. “You have left this castle eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches three times this week. I know because I am the one that’s had to pick up after you each and every time!”

“H-Hold on, you can’t blame that on me! Every time I went in the kitchen for lunch it was already out! It’s the whole reason I ended up choosing PB&J in the first place!” said Sunburst, trying to defend himself from her accusations.

But Starlight wasn’t having it. “A likely story! Ugh, this is just like you.”

“...Hey, now what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh why should I even bother? It’ll probably just go right over your head, just like everything else,” she said, turning away from him, a hint of bitterness bleeding into her tone.

“Oh no, I demand an explanation! What exactly did you mean?” Sunburst said, becoming quite exasperated from her odd behavior.

Starlight turned back on him, her brows drawn together in a scowl. “I mean, you are totally oblivious to what goes on around you! Except when it’s those thousand-year old artifacts of yours! This whole time you’ve been here you’ve hardly paid attention to m–” She stopped herself just before that last word could slip out. “...To anything important. It’s always just you and your dusty old antiques!”

“You leave the antiques out of this!” Sunset responded. “And that is unfair and untrue!”

“Please! The only thing you ever notice around here is those musty old books!” She turned her head, muttering under her breath: “Those dusty old books and Twilight...”

Sunburst blinked. “What was that last part?”

“N-Nothing!” Starlight uttered, shaking her head. “Bottom line, you can be so distracted from just about everything! You are so... so... inattentive!”

Sunburst gaped, starting to get just a bit overwhelmed by all the sudden accusations. Taking a breath to regain himself, he retorted, “Oh yeah, well... what about you?!”

Starlight crooked a eyebrow. “What about me?”

“You know! For a lot of the past few days you have been very... well... overbearing!”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me! For a lot of the time when Twilight and I would do things together, you would just be... sitting there. ...Menacingly. With this suspicious glare on your face.”

Starlight stiffened. Crap. He’d noticed. “I-I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said rather unconvincingly.

“Yes you do! You’d have this stiff, mean look every time we would be reviewing old pre-Equestrian literature, or comparing antiques, or anything like that. You’re acting just like–” Sunburst paused. His expression turned strained, like he was about to say something very, very dirty. But the fire in his belly spurred him on, and his words came out, “Just like my mother!”

Starlight gasped and touched her chest, looking as if she’d just been slapped. “You take that back!” she demanded, pointing her hoof at him.

“Why? It seems like the truth to me,” Sunburst insisted. “You’ve just been acting so weird, after I thought we’d gotten over this entire reconnecting friendship thing and–” In that moment Sunburst’s monologue suddenly stopped, clarity flashing across his expression. “...Waaaiiiit a minute. I know what’s going on. You’re jealous!”

Starlight cringed, her eyes widening. “Wha-buh... jealous? Me? That’s ridiculous,” she said, her words accompanied with nervous laughter and a wave of her hoof. “What would I have to be jealous about?”

“Well you did act the same way before. When I was getting along so well with your friends?” Sunburst continued to pressure her, pushing his newfound control of the situation. Starlight in response cast her eyes back and forth across the room for a moment.

“That was... n-now look, don’t try to turn this around on me! This has to do with you being absent minded and totally inconsiderate of others!”

While the two argued, Starlight in her stress had been unconsciously tightening her magical grip on the still levitating back of flour. So much so that it had ever so slowly begun to tear. But neither of the two were aware, and Sunburst carried on.

“Well that doesn’t make what you’ve been doing more appropriate!”

“This has nothing to do with me!”

“Yes it does!”

“No it doesn’t!”

“Yes it does!”

“No! It! DOESN’T!”

In her fervor, Starlight swung the still levitating bag of flour across the air. By now, she had accidentally torn a small hole in the bag. As she waved it, a trail of flour flew from the side and into Sunburst’s face, causing the amber stallion to stiffen.

Starlight softly gasped, pausing awkwardly as she dropped the bag on the table. Sunburst slowly removed his flour-covered glasses. Two neat circles of his orange fur contrasted against the white powder dashed across his face, his expression a mixture of disbelief and offense.

“Did you... just throw flour in my face?”

Having gotten over the initial surprise of her accident, Starlight started to squeak out an apology. But looking at his face, all her momentarily-forgotten frustrations coming back, she stopped herself. Suddenly she felt rather pleased with herself. Somewhat vindicated – convenient karma through her happy little accident. She pursed her lips in a snide expression.

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”

The sheer amount of cheek in her tone rankled Sunburst, his forehead puckering in displeasure. He picked up the bag of flour with his own yellow aura. “Well then maybe I flicked some back,” he said, swinging a streak of flour into Starlight’s face in retaliation. As she closed her eyes and her nose crinkled, Sunburst couldn’t help but smirk. Turns out Twilight was wrong before. Sometimes, revenge could feel pretty good. “And maybe I didn’t.”

A familiar vein in her neck throbbing in Starlight’s neck as she opened back hey eyes, the boiling pot of her anger bubbling once again. “Well, Sunburst... I know you didn’t... because if you ... then I would do THIS!” Activating her magic, Starlight opened the egg carton inside her bags and pulled two eggs from them, ready to pelt her past playmate with poultry.

Sunburst lightly jerked, eyes expanding. In a moment of pure flight-or-flight, he reacted instinctively, pointing his horn and casting a spell of his own. His yellow aura shone around the eggs and broke them, saving him from the imminent messy encounter.

And causing the slimy yolks to fall and splatter all over Starlight’s head and face. The slimy confines smooshed her mane flat, obscuring her eyes from view.

When the adrenaline lapsed, Sunburst’s pupils shrunk to pinpricks and he placed a hoof over his mouth. An awkward silence fell over the kitchen. The calm before the storm. Forget bubbling. The pot was about to boil over.

“S-Starlight...?” he murmured, extending a hoof. But the damage had already been done.

Starlight’s turquoise aura slowly and ominously wiped the egg out of her eyes and moved her mane to the side, and affixed the bearded stallion with a glare that could melt steel. Sunburst paled. For one infinitesimal moment, he saw death in Starlight’s eyes.

Before he could so much as utter another syllable, Starlight’s horn glowed brightly. The fridge, drawers, and cabinets around them were all enveloped in the light of her magic, and their doors flew open. Spices. Jams. Canned vegetables. Olive oil. Potatoes. All manner of food and culinary items were pulled from their places and lifted above her.

Sunbursts’s ears drooped fearfully against his head.

“...Mercy?”

His plea fell on ears deaf with rage. With an angry shriek, Starlight swept her head and sent a line of foodstuffs barreling towards her friend. Sunburst yelped, diving for cover behind the opposite end of the table. Two splattering eggs clipped the end of his cloak as the edible ammunition pelted over his head.

“Starlight! Stop it!”

“Words can't save you now, Sunburst! You made your bed! Now you’re gonna sleep in it!” Cans of food were opened and their contents fired intently at the stallion's hiding place. Sunburst could only cower behind the table, covering his head with his hooves.

“Get a hold of yourself! This is madness!”

For a second the food bombs stopped falling.

“...Madness?”

Her eye twitched, the vein in her neck pulsating.

“Madness?”

The power emanating around her horn amplified to a bright, shimmering corona.

“You haven’t seen madness yet!!”

With a motion of her head, Starlight gripped the table with her magic and jerked it to the side of the room against the wall, exposing Sunburst. With a shout of rage she descended an entire day’s worth of food down on him. Sunburst didn’t even have time to to scream, his voice voice drowned out by the barrage.

Desperately crawling for any kind of cover from the mad unicorn’s assault, his hoof found the handle of a cabinet beside him, throwing it open and grabbing the nearest object he could find – a nine-by-thirteen-inch pan. Whipping it in front of him and holding fast, he was able to use it to fend of his crazed friend’s. Starlight’s continued pelting of cooking items knocked against his makeshift shield.

“Come on, Starlight! Can’t we talk about this like reasonable ponies?” As he tried to take another shot at negotiating, he peeked his head out from behind the pan. Only to be hit right in the snout with a hoof-full of curry powder. He coughed and snorted, his eyes watering from the spice in his nose.

“Oh, that does it!”

Finally giving in to his frustrations, Sunburst picked up chunks of food alongside him with his magic and chucked them back in Starlight’s direction. Standing up to an upright defensive posture, he kept himself guarded behind his trusty pan and gathered more ammo from the floor and shelves on his side of the kitchen. Only coming out from behind his shield between Starlight’s throws for maximum accuracy.

Starlight ducked as chunks of green beans and olives flew over her head, returning fire with five small bags of rice. Sunburst deftly blocked each of them with his pan. Getting just a little ahead of himself, he poked his head out to point and laugh – which was quickly replaced by a yelp when the flat side of a cucumber hit him in the eye.

“Augh! Now that was just dirty!” he moaned, grasping his face.

“All’s fair in love and war, Sunny!” Starlight retorted, smiling wickedly.

Grumbling, Sunburst moved to his right across the kitchen, steadily sliding towards the sink. Starlight’s trail of ammunition followed as he went, continuing to patter against his rectangular shield. Once he was in position, he smiled.

“Oh yeah? Well if that’s the case, let me show you a classic tactic – misdirection!”

In a quick motion Sunburst grabbed the entire pile of mashed food from the other side of the room where he’d just been standing and slung them at her. A look of surprised shock crossed Starlight’s face, her mouth dropping open slightly. By the time she registered the surprise attack, it was too late. With a heavy splat she was swamped by the mass of residue food items, knocked her flat onto her back and sliding a few feet over the now slippery floor, the pile of kitchen goods burying her underneath.

Sunburst stood triumphantly. “Aha! It worked! Just like it lays out in Pon Tzu's fifth chapter on direction of energy, efficient application of direct and indirect tactics gives almost an endless supply of options that–”

He was so distracted in his rambling that he never noticed the mashed paste shaking. A flash of turquoise, and Starlight exploded forth from the messy pile. Sloppy trails of food sludge splattered across the kitchen as she threw her head back with a roar. Her gaze locked on Sunburst with such fury that his confidence immediately melted away into fear. She grabbed gripped a kitchen drawer with her aura and pulled it out so hard she nearly ripped the gears off the slide. Discarding any self-preservation, discarding any remaining semblance of restraint, she charged.

Panicking, Sunburst frantically levitated more ammo from around him and launched them at her in an attempt to repel the raving mare. She never even slowed pace. What didn’t miss outright was skillfully blocked much like Sunburst had done minutes earlier. And with just a few strides, she was within range. With one big push, Starlight propelled herself into a harum-scarum leap through the air, launching at Sunburst like a rocket. Her stallion friend could only fall back onto his haunches, mouth open in a voiceless scream, foreleg raised in a feeble attempt to stave off the screaming mare.

“RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

The collision knocked Sunburst over. His vision went topsy-turvy as the two were sent both of them rolling in a heap of tangled limbs and mixed of squashed snacks and groceries.

At some point they finally came to a solid stop. Sunburst splayed out on his back, Starlight on top of him pinning his chest to floor with her hooves. His expression one of apprehension, hers brimming with intensity. He held his breath , she panted heavily. Their faces and their coats covered in the remnants of their brief, food-based war.

Sunburst wasn’t sure how long they sat there, just staring into each others eyes. All that registered to him for those long moments was his heart pounding in his ears like a drum, and the sight of her piercing blue eyes staring into his soul. Color rose in his cheeks as he realized just how close they were right now. Still fearing for his life, and that he needed to break the silence before Starlight broke more than a few things of his, he eventually stammered out:

“Um... so, uhh... why are you mad at me again?”

Starlight’s mouth parted a bit and her eyebrows crinkled, her face betraying the most visual sign of ‘are you kidding me?’ possible. So he could put it together that she had been acting jealous, but couldn’t see why? How dense was this stallion? Stupid, dorky, oblivious, cute, immature, lovable, bookhound of a stallion. She just couldn’t take anymore of this, sighing.

“Oh, for bucks sake...”

So, as she usually did in times of stress and tension, Starlight went with her gut.

She kissed him.

Pulled him by the skin of his chest and mashed her lips to his.

His eyes got huge in the first seconds. Even huger when Starlight suddenly forced her tongue into his mouth and started Prenching him. His first kiss, abruptly taken by his childhood friend. Unexpected. Although, not entirely unwelcome. All Starlight's anger, all her stress, all her pent up emotions were put into that kiss. Clinging to the stallion she pined for as if her life depended on it. For a moment Sunburst stayed frozen, staring shell-shocked. Then his eyes filled with a look even he couldn’t have described. Seconds after that, his eyes slowly drooped closed as he finally kissed her back. His hooves softly went to her sides as their tongues danced with each other.

After about thirty more seconds they finally had to come up for air, and their lips broke apart. Both of their breaths were haggard, faces stained red as they laid against one another, gazing into their partner’s eyes. Starlight’s blue pair twinkled with much needed satisfaction. Sunburst’s showed happiness, as well as confusion.

“Oh... um... wow, I..., so you aren’t mad at me?”

She scoffed. “Just shut up and kiss me again, you adorable goof.”

Sunburst blushed all the way up to his ears, gulping. But he complied. Slowly, carefully, he puckered and leaned into her soft lips again.

Starlight sighed happily, wrapping her hooves around his neck, pressing belly to belly with him and melting into his warmth. As their lips intertwined her tongue licked across his teeth, asking permission for entry this time. A request that Sunburst happily obliged. He opened his mouth and again their tongues wrestled, the kiss deepening. It was slower, but no less passionate.

Sunburst, while still very new to this kind of thing, gradually allowed himself to ease more and more into it. He wasn't exactly well versed in how to kiss. Starlight seemed much more experienced; the way her tongue ran over his teeth and massaged the roof of his mouth made him grunt. It was essentially just trying for what felt natural; and for what his partner seemed to like. His initial hesitancy wearing off the more engrossed he became in their lip lock. He touched his hooves to her sides and stroked them up and down her body, issuing a moan from Starlight. He pushed back, sitting himself up against the wall and over her to further out wrestle her in their tongue war. Wrapping his hooves around her waist and pulling tight, as if he never wanted to let her go.

Starlight's groans only deepened. The heat between the two climbed with each passing second. Both their hearts hammered in their chest, their inner fire growing every moment they stayed locked together. Nothing mattered but this. And she wanted more. Her desire drowned out any small warnings from the back of her mind that this wasn't the best idea, the alarms that warned against what she was about to do. But, that was future Starlight's problem. She touched Sunburst's neck with her hoof, slowly slid it down his chest, belly, and–

CLUNK!

Both unicorns broke apart and snapped their heads in the direction of the sudden sound, where a familiar, blue, wizard hat and wizard cloak-wearing pony stood in the doorway, staring at them with pure shock. The three ponies stared at each other helplessly, each feeling more awkward than the other.

“...Did Trixie come at a bad time?”

Starlight's eyes went from her friend to the object she had dropped. A newly bought container of peanut butter. Realization clicked in her mind, and her anger returned in all its fury.

“IT WAS YOU!!”

Leaping off of Sunburst, she rushed the blue stage mare. Trixie ‘eeped’ before turning on her heels, her hooves carrying her as fast as they could go from her enraged pursuer.

Sunburst reached out feebly after her as he was left alone in the kitchen. He was still processing exactly what had happened, looking down at the floor. A million different thoughts ran through his mind in those moments. The sheer absurdity of everything that had just transpired. The argument. The food fight. The... kiss. Yeah, especially the kiss. Or, he guessed kissES would be more accurate. It had caught him completely off guard. He had no idea Starlight had been harboring those kind of desires for him at all. But then again... maybe everything she was saying about him being oblivious had some merit. Maybe he’d had his head just a little too deep in books to see what had been staring him in the face.

And he had to admit to himself... he’d liked it. A lot. More than a lot, actually. In fact, he was surprised with just how much he had liked it. And how he wished it didn’t have to end so abruptly. He puffed his lip and folded his hooves, looking distastefully at the rolling jar. “Stupid peanut butter...”

“Oh, Sunburst?”

A familiar voice made him look up towards the kitchen exit. Starlight’s head poked in from the side, smiling at him coquettishly.

“My room. Ten o’clock. And bring the peanut butter.” She winked, and then she was gone again. Sunburst, red in the face, looked at the container again.

“Thank you, peanut butter.”

Author's Note

Wanna hear my inspiration for this ball of randomness? Three things. Spit balling ideas in the Discord chat, an old joke from an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and racism.

Allow me to explain.

Of course throwing around ideas in the chat with all these misfits can lead to a whole host of weird conversations. It got around to shipping ideas, because of course it did. Someone mentioned food and the episode with the running gag of the peanut butter lid popped into my head.

Now, the racism? The other day my good ol' mother had to get some wood equipment shipped. That exact same situation happened to her, only the woman who wouldn't process her order said it couldn't be done without the original credit card used to buy it. No sooner did she step out of line again did a white lady behind her ask for the exact same thing and she did it no problem. She better be thankful that my immigrant mother has the patience of Job, or she would have faced Hell right then and there. Luckily it all worked out when the manager got involved and sent that obnoxious woman to the back. I hope she got fired.

Just goes to show, you never know where your inspiration will come from.

-SSD