Adventures in Nothing at All

by Songbird Serenade Thanos

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Fetish, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity
Length: 5490

This story is a slice-of-life random events plot type of thing but generally there is a plot about pony Zionists, the book of revelations and the entire universe of MLP being a thought experiment.

I plan to write at least one chapter per day with spur of the moment plot points based on whatever I feel like at the time. The general set up is this: There is a cult which is attempting to bring about the apocalypse described in the Book of Revelation. Twilight wants to infiltrate. Everyone is acting more like jerks than usual. Celestia may die. Luna is nowhere to be found. Several ponies that have (over the years) gone insane from being trapped on the moon have been sent back before their sentences have finished and are assembling a rebellion. Sprinkle in some general (maybe a little unconventional) aesops, some big-lipped alligator moments and cameos from some of the greatest minds the world has ever seen and you have this fanfic.

Published 2018-10-14 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-17 19:42:24 UTC

RHAPSODY 1: DESPACITO

a long time ago, there was a book. despacito was it's name. it converted all to its cause. the book told the truth. the fact was that there was a demon within all ponies and the only way to kill it was to end the world. it leeched off their sin because ponies were the personification of sin. to die was to live. that was the thing. the world needed to be purified. to this day, despacito followers are engaging in subversive activities. no-one knew where despacito came from but there is a rumour that it was an early work of starscroll the wizard.

Twilight Sparkle was taught a chant by her grandmother that went like this:

Jean-Luc Godard, Jean-Luc Godard. Innovate my genitals!

She used it whenever she felt completely alone in the world. Most people screw themselves over and then whine about it. Twilight was no exception to this rule. When chanted at a time the user was alone, it summoned the French New Wave director Jean-Luc Godard. He was the human embodiment of ponciness. Twilight didn't know that, though, because she didn't know humans existed. She only knew of the existence of Jean-Luc Godard.

Fluttershy was cowering in the corner of her broom closet. Her animals no longer knew her and displayed decreased levels of sentience. The bear had now become quite invested in eating Fluttershy. Fluttershy had barely escaped from him as initially she just thought he had been angered by something and was, at the time, sniveling apologetically. She then realised that she would have to sneak past the bear and all the other feral animals in order to reach a phone (public or otherwise) and be able to contact Twilight. At this point, Fluttershy felt like vomiting. Instead of sneaking past numerous wild, agile and somewhat unpredictable animals, she gave up and broke down crying in the corner of her broom closet. And then she vomited. And then a broom fell on her.

There was silence at the table where the six friends usually had brunch. Beyond having brunch, there was little for these friends to talk about. So, to pass the time and avoid acknowledging how utterly incompatible they all were, they watched movies afterwards. After that, they talked about what they would have for their next brunch. They had already exhausted the menu multiple times so the conversations were usually curt and deadening. In-jokes (already the best sign that a relationship has gone on too long) had begun to sprout and the six often simply resorted to those rather than actually talk about anything meaningful. After all, what was there to talk about? Fluttershy had not arrived.

"Fluttershy has not arrived." said Rarity.

"Yep." said Applejack.

More silence.

"Someone...should go look for her." said Rainbow Dash.

"I vote not me." said Twilight Sparkle.

"What if she's...in trouble and needs your magic?" said Rarity, who was not appreciating the fact that this situation may actually call for her to actually get up off her ass and do something.

To be fair, nobody was truly appreciating this aspect of the situation. Rainbow Dash did a good job of faking it, though.

"Fine. If none of you lame douchebags will help her, I will! I was always like a big sister to her! She was weak but I helped her become stronger! If she's in trouble despite MY tutelage, then...she's probably dead. Or maybe she had a fall like that old lady in that life alert commercial." said Rainbow Dash.

Claims of her having tutored Fluttershy were exaggerated. She, in reality, helped her do some push-ups and, while at her house, mentioned that she shouldn't take Angel's shit. Fluttershy didn't but often consciously gave the appearance of her being submissive to Angel in order to gain sympathy points which was not only the only thing she was really good at but the metric by which she determined her value as a pony. Twilight then proceeded to condescendingly smirk at Rainbow.

"Gosh, you really do care for her, don't you?" Twilight said. Twilight was aware of the fact that Rainbow didn't give a shit about Fluttershy. Nobody did, to be honest. Except for Fluttershy.

"God, I hate you." thought Twilight to herself.

Twilight then excused herself as she needed to go to the toilet.

Once in the toilet, Twilight summoned Jean-Luc.

"YO!" cried Jean-Luc as he appeared in a puff of smoke.

Twilight then took a FAT hit form her vape.
"God, you make those clouds FLY, girl!" said Jean-Luc Godard before giggling to himself.

"What should I do, Jean-Luc? Fluttershy doesn't usually turn up late like this! She's one of the few ponies from my group of friends I can actually tolerate!" said Twilight.

"Then why didn't you go to get her when your friends asked where she was, then? You wouldn't have pissed off your friends as much AND you would be, y'know, ACTUALLY SAVING YOUR ONE ACTUAL FRIEND." argued Jean-Luc.

It appeared he had seen through Twilight's lie.

"Well, I still KIND OF hate her," said Twilight "she's still a poser cunt who should be more honest and just shut the fuck up and GOD, I hate the fact that she is actually the most alright person in this stupid fucking group."

"What about Pinkie Pie?" asked Jean-Luc "She seems cool!"

"Manipulative cunt once you get to know her." said Twilight, before taking another hit of her vape.

"Alright." said Jean-Luc, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, I'll go see what the fucking sociopathic wimp is up to." said Twilight "Probably just broke her leg while arranging some flowers."

Upon seeing the devastation wrought upon Fluttershy's house, Twilight cast her "Fix Everything" spell. The animals went back to their docile, childish selves and the house was instantly repaired.

"Hey." said Twilight.

"Hey." said Fluttershy.

"You know what fucking annoys me?" said Twilight "When you try to goddamn install the packages necessary to run Robbie Barratt's neural network rapping program on Python using Anaconda, you end up STILL not being able to use due to Keras now for some goddamned reason needing Tensorflow and Tensorflow not working with python 2.7 which is what is needed to run Robbie's program! What the fuck?!? How are people supposed to run this damn thing?"

"Yeah," said Fluttershy "must suck."

Twilight and Fluttershy then rejoined the group so they could watch Southland Tales by Richard Kelly on their blu-ray. Southland Tales had finally been given the Criterion Blu-Ray release it deserved.

Author's Note

This is the first chapter. How do you like the dynamic? What do you think of the characters? Do you enjoy this?

RHAPSODY 2 : SPIKE DIES

Author's Note

I changed the tags of this story as it now contains drug use and fetish fuel. Be concerned.

RHAPSODY 2 : SPIKE DIES

When the gang all assembled at Applejack’s to watch Southland Tales, Pinkie Pie then began to flex her dab ass new Supreme clothing and brick.

“Check this, my homeslices! This brick is straight fuego!” said Pinkie Pie as she showed off the magnificent brick.

You may be wondering if I’m being a little harsh on these ponies. Maybe I am. Then again, I’m an omniscient narrator and thus, by default, right.
Rarity then briefly fantasised aboutbashing her head in with that damned brick. It would have been a very fashionable suicide. Everyone complimented the brick. Pinkie Oie had always been an ethical hedonist concerned only with maximising the collective happiness of Ponyville. In recent years, she had retreated within herself and concentrated, for the most part, on herself. Now she didn’t have to worry about money, there was no motivation to work. She busied herself mostly with keeping up with Supreme’s latest releases. Fluttershy whined about how pathetic she was. Nobody cared. Nobody ever really cared. Twilight Sparkle did a good job of faking it, though.

“Don’t say such things!” she said “It’s not your fault you don’t have magic to defend yourself with!”

“You know, there are other ways to defend yourself besides magic.” said Rainbow Dash.

“God, Rainbow!” said Twilight “Way to make things all about you!

Spike then suddenly keeled over.
“Oh.” said Twilight “It appears Spike has died from a heart attack.”
Everybody then proceeded to watch Southland Tales.

“Wow.” said Rarity “That was genuinely terrible.”

“You only said that because you don’t understand it.” said Twilight.

“No, I understand it. It’s just shit. The acting was over the top, there was no plot whatsoever and all the characters were shallow and unlikable.”

“Sorry you can’t parse it’s deep symbolism, bitch.”

Twilight then made an “L” sign at Rarity.

“Woah! Shots fired!” said Pinkie Pie before taking a hit out of her skull-shaped bong.

Twilight then got a phone call. She then promptly put the phone down.

“Celestia died and Luna’s missing. Pass the joint, Pinkie.” said Twilight.

“Get your own weed, you free-loading cunt!” said Pinkie, before ripping a FAT cloud and then hitting a FAT dab.

Twilight then punched Pinkie and stole her bong.

“Holy shit, you have bad taste in weed.” said Twilight.

She kicked Pinkie in retaliation for having such subpar weed. Pinkie kicked back.

“Ow! Holy shit, you fucking bitch! Why can’t you accept constructive criticism?” said Twilight.

“Fuck off, Twilight.” said Applejack.

Applejack then ate an apple.

Rarity shot Jean-Luc Godard. This made Twilight angry. Twilight killed Rarity in response. You know, she never did a whole lot bad, that Rarity. Nobody loves you.

Twilight then decided to go undercover in the cult. While in the cult, she learned that the cultists wanted to enact the apocalypse described in Revelations in order to fulfill Despacito’s prophecy. Twilight then proceeded to do bugger all with this information.

At Celestia’s funeral, Twilight got drunk and cried. Pinkie ensured that Celestia was buried in a Supreme brand coffin.

Lyra then stabbed Fluttershy. Twilight cast a “Fix All Wounds” spell on her. She got better. Twilight then killed Lyra.

Jean-Luc Godard then gave a speech about how killing was good because it reduced the population.

Fluttershy and Twilight then had sex. Fluttershy soon became pregnant. Twilight encouraged her to get an abortion. She obliged.

“You know what annoys me?” said Twilight “How Cryostasis: Sleep of Reason isn’t available on Steam anymore.”

Applejack was too busy getting pegged by Lyra to listen.

The gang then went out for curry. Pinkie Pie got drunk on absinthe. After that, they decided to inflate themselves like balloons for no reason. While they were pursuing their hedonistic desires, Despacito followers had caused a massive riot and killed the mayor. Thankfully, all that social unrest was patched up via Pepsi. One of the protestors handed a royal guard a Pepsi and then everyone engaged in an orgy. Anyway, a hose was inserted up Applejack, Pinkie, Fluttershy and Twilight’s anuses. Rainbow Dash was busy buying the groceries. She wasn’t killed in the riots because she had multi-coloured hair which made the rebels assume she was on their side. She didn’t care enough to correct them as she just wanted her damn groceries (there was also the fact that this confusion was directly within her interests). The inflation assistant thing pony pushed the button on an apparatus that looked kind of like a bop-it. Goddamn, I love bop-its. My favourite option was “Twist it!”. The ponies’ stomachs grew until they all kind of resembled ballon things and their navels looked like they were gonna pop. Hot damn, you should have been there. Despite the status of their navels, the ponies could not stare at their own due to the size of their stomachs. Dang. No more navel gazing. They orbited around one another (kinda like planets). The door then widened to accommodate the ponies’ extra bulk. They had to fart in order to propel themselves through the door. That is partly why they ate the curry earlier. One small problem was that each fart made the ponies more and more spherical. Ponies couldn’t pop because their skin could stretch to an infinite degree. This meant that there was a legitimate probability of one of the ponies becoming as big as a planet and leaving Earth’s orbit. Also, the bigger a pony became, the more buoyant they were which meant that each fart would propel them slightly higher in the air. The only way to remedy this would be to angle the body towards the ground but increased buoyancy also gives way to lack of bodily control which essentially meant that solution was temporary.

The for ponies then farted their way to MacDonald’s. Twilight made sure to purposefully bump Applejack off course while pretending it was an accident and occasionally fart in her face. This was revenge for telling her to fuck off. Yes, she was that petty. The only thing this accomplished was making Applejack more aroused. Little did these four ponies know that they were going to have dinner with Andy Warhol.

Andy Warhol was the greatest pony artist of all time. He wasn’t a human like Jean-Luc for some reason. Pinkie was so eager to meet Andy that she ended up shitting herself after attempting to propel herself toward him. Everybody (including Andy himself) pointed and laughed.

RHAPSODY 3 : PINKIE HAS A BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR FOR A PET

The world was not appreciating the fact that rainbow dash was busy.
Twilight then excused herself mostly with supremes for her head.
Jean was not working with python 2.7 which was not working with keeping the ponies becoming the cult. While pretending brunch on their navels, the ponies were pursuing applejack. Twilight sparkle did instantly become stronger to watch southland tales. She busied herself mostly with maximising the collective of faking it. Goddamn fired like vomiting for ponies. Twilight didn't become quite invested in eating fluttershy. Fluttershy soon became pregnant because she didn't have magic.

“Who should be purified to run robbie's?” said Rarity.

“Manipulative shit was not only way too long suicide.” said Jean.

Jean was not working the ponies more spherical! the ponies becoming twilight sparkle were taught to watch southland tales by richard 2.7. Twilight cast a fat dab ass thing. She obliged already alone in subversive years. The ponies became bigger to go undercover in a supreme brand coffin which essentially meant that each fart made the ponies more aroused.

Jean-Luc Godard then descended from Heaven and had sex with Twilight.

“The same direction affiliate heavy games are built to serve you can also pick up amazon’s to the bottom of article loaded the same direction affiliate commission pro ( 10.5-inch )” said Jean-Luc before fucking off.

*

Twilight then woke up. It appeared she had been dreaming. She then rolled a sick ass joint and hit it. This took some time as she was floating above the bed. She was still the same big ball of gas she was yesterday. She was slightly beginning to regret the procedure but at the same time farting to get around had a certain simplicity to it. Overall, things weren’t that bad. Sure, she was destined to at some point become a planet-sized object and she could die if shot with a sharp object, but hey. She and the others mostly did it for the banter, anyway. And she could still (sort of) read books. She squeezed through the door of her treehouse. She then noticed Spike’s corpse lying on the porch with a note on it reading “Dispose of your own trash -Applejack PS. I can have someone fit my strap-on onto me so we can fuck. Consider it.”

Twilight then decided that the best course of action would be to eat Spike’s corpse. She gobbled it up, note and all.
“Sorry, Spike.” she said, while holding back tears. Twilight then pissed on the porch because she just could not be arsed farting her way to the toilet. She then farted all the way to Applejack’s house but by that time she was too big to fit through the door. Applejack immediately farted over and asked Twilight to roll over. Twilight obliged and Applejack fucked her through the door.

After that transpired, Twilight looked up to see that Rainbow had already (over the course of a morning) become the size of a small planetoid. She tried to scream for help but she was too far away and her head was buried underneath thick folds of skin. Tabasko Sweet then descended from the sky and was all like “Shoutout to Planet Rainbow! Gang!”.

“Shoutout indeed.” thought Twilight.

Tabasko then showed her how to make a super-stretchy Supreme t-shirt for a spherical pony. Twilight accepted his gift with a derisive smirk.

“Bootlegger.” she spat, before farting away in her brand new Supreme shirt.

“I would be mad but she’s just so fuego. Plus, her farts smell amazing. I am so fucking mad that Applejack gets to smash her but I, a YouTube star, don’t! Life is so unfair.” said Tabasko.

Twilight resolved to maybe explore Planet Rainbow someday and maybe fuck her friend. Tabasko went to Applejack’s house and shot a nail into her with a dope Supreme nailgun. Applejack popped.

“Damn,” Applejack said “this is like that one scene in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life where the guy explodes except instead of eating to the point of explosion, I’ve been gunned down.”

Tabasko then t-posed into the sky, never to be seen again. Applejack’s popping made all the ponies that weren’t Rainbow shrink down to their original size. Twilight liked being that spherical and bulky (there was a certain comfort to it) but at the same time she was relieved she was back in her original form. This left only her, Pinkie and Fluttershy left alive. She wondered why this had occurred. She had no idea. She then stuffed a Big Mac into her mouth. After that, she went home and watched Larry Clark’s The Smell of Us while gorging on three entire tubs of Ben and Jerry’s.

Twilight woke up. The world was a certain comfort to it but at the size of a small planetoid, it was nothing. She and Fluttershy left only her, Pinkie and the others mostly with maximising the ponies more spherical! 🤔 The porch with Twilight woke up. It appeared she was floating to the bed. She had been dreaming. She had been gunned down. Twilight sparkle was taught how to roll over. Twilight looked up to see that Applejack popped.

“Bootlegger.” she said, while holding back in her but I, a YouTube star, don’t!

Life where the same big ball of Us while holding brunch on their original size. Twilight then stuffed a Big Mac into her with Twilight cast a fat dab ass things were taught to roll over. Twilight.

“I would be to eat Spike.” said Jean.

Tabasko then t-posed into the toilet. She then noticed Spike. She spat, before farting to regret then descended from Heaven and Jerry’s.
After that weren’t that one scene in Monty Python’s to the best could still the way to Applejack.

Twilight then woke up in a sweat. That was a pretty symbolic dream. She then lay back on her beanbag and farted. A thought fuzzily grew into Twilight’s consciousness.

“Maybe you should do something about that whole cult thing.”

Twilight then vomited up bits of Spike.

“Maybe my brain is right.” she said.

At the same time, she was still pretty out of shape.

“Rainbow Dash should probably do something about it.” thought Twilight.

Then Twilight remembered that Rainbow was an eternally farting planetoid.

RHAPSODY 4 : TOM GREEN

RHAPSODY 4 : TOM GREEN

“Attention, polygamous heathens!” cried Twilight Sparkle from her podium.
“We ponies are not personifications of human sin! We are not fleshy goblets of drinky-drink! We are the things that are! We must take responsibility for our own sins! Most of the time, when we screw something up, we must simply await punishment because setting things right is fruitless.”

The Despacito followers then crucified Twilight. Out and out. Most laughably edgy things are simply honest expressions of what sadness feels like. Life is simply like that, yeah. Who? Twilight did the first not-bad thing she did in a long time and was crucified. There is no inherent advantage or superiority in being different. Twilight felt hot and sticky as she writhed on the cross. That’s something all right. Scream! Rage at the Heavens, what’s happening anyway? That was a weird sentence but yeah. Damn. The thing is, the future is a big fat lump of nothing that’s gonna suck everyone in. Twilight cried. She felt like shit. Most likely because she was shit. Apparently, that was enough to make her not even a pony. Once you’re a piece of shit, no-one cares about you. Which is fair enough. The protestors knew that what Twilight said was true even though she thought she was lying. She was. Aha! Fuck all the cameos. Tabasko died of a heart attack and fell from the Heavens. His last words were “Fuego alert...”.

Tabasko died as he lived. Fuego as hell. He died knowing that he could never become more Fuego. You keep making the SAME mistakes even though you KNOW the results. You only have yourself to blame. Andy Warhol slipped on a banana peel and bashed his skull in. He had no last words. Jean-Luc Godard was already dead.

Twilight died. Pinkie Pie didn’t care. She was too busy crying. Nothing mattered to her anymore.
“I guess if I’ve learned anything, it’s that ass tastes great.” said Pinkie before writing a letter to Luna.

All the poststallions were still involved in the 120 Days of Sodom-style orgy outside but Pinkie could simply send a letter via paper aeroplane. Fluttershy had gone into shock. Pinkie often fucked with her for shits and giggles. She didn’t find it funny any more. It was often more attractive to believe that nobody was good so nobody needed to improve. Pinkie wasn’t so misanthropic. She simply didn’t believe in such principles as “Good”, “Bad” or “Improvement”.

Twilight stepped out into the dream world.

“Hey.” said Twilight to the bald man.

“Oh, hey. Your entire existence is based on a series of bets made between a late man and a straight man about what you and your friends will do. It’s all a thought experiment within the mind of a man faced with an impossible choice who wants to remind himself of the values of friendship. That is why your personalities change so drastically each day.” he said in reply.

“The only free will we have is the choice of whether or not to believe in free will.” said Twilight.

“Fair enough.” said the bald man.

Pinkie Pie then drunk four shots of absinthe. She then ate ten tubs of Mackie’s brand ice cream. Honeycomb flavour. She then ate some Big Time brand Jelly. Recently, she had been gaining some weight. Luna had replied.

“I can’t ever return home. Ass may taste good, but nothing can replace the taste of a lollipop made of condensed love. Love, Luna.”

Pinkie then sat on her fat ass and watched Freddy Got Fingered. She then dressed herself up in various Supreme outfits. After that, she ate a donut. Then she tormented Fluttershy by pretending to be a member of the Despacito cult going to attack her. She then masturbated and went to sleep.

While out and about the next day, (Pinkie paid no heed to the traumatised Fluttershy within her abide except to traumatise her further) she noticed Tabasko’s corpse. She was sad that someone so lit and well-versed in Supreme could have died. She gave him a funeral by dumping him into the river. She then stole some money from an abandoned McDonald’s even though money wasn’t worth anything anymore (force of habit) and poured herself a soda. The soda was Cherry Coke mixed with Lemon Pepsi.

Twilight then woke up in the cave her corpse had been dumped in. Her body had decomposed slightly but otherwise she was fine. Next to her body, the word “Zanahary” was carved. She got out of the cave and ran the hell away from Ponyville. She forgave nobody. She hated herself and rightfully so. What had become of everyone? Not much. She kept running until Ponyville was no longer visible. Then she ran a bit more. Then she collapsed in a field.

Pinkie Pie cried while wriggling in her futon. She farted. Fluttershy didn’t talk anymore. Pinkie now tried to feed her but Fluttershy only stared at her with such fearful eyes. Those eyes made Pinkie feel so guilty that she just ate Flutter’s food anyway. She was so fat. Even when skeletal, Fluttershy was still beautiful in her own way. Pinkie just felt sad which made her want to eat more. Some people tried to break into their house. Pinkie brained them over the head with a Supreme brick.

Twilight starved to death. The Gods kept sending her back but Twilight just wanted to die. That was it. She floated up into the sky and was confronted by a golden orb. Twilight felt pretty happy. A few miles away, Fluttershy died and Pinkie continued to eat herself to death. Twilight just smiled. She forgave them all. She was the bitchiest. Maybe. She probably wouldn’t have gone as far as to bully a mentally ill person. Twilight then got carried by the golden orb into a beautiful escapist world in which her friends were what they used to be and she could pretend to be a good person. And you know what? She had the right to it. There was nowhere else to go. How can you look at a world like that and say a pony has no right to bury themselves in escapism?

RHAPSODY 5 : SPIKE IS JESUS

Straight chilling with the boys. That was what Scootaloo was doing. She downed another mug of alcoholic beverage thing. Then a CEO of a certain multinational corporation sniped her from the top of his building. None of the boys she was chilling with cared until they realised they had not only lost their collective squeeze but had no-one to order to clean up the blood. Then Braeburn walked in crying. The boys glared at him. He was declared the most feminine and set to work.

The Despacito followers had succeeded in triggering the six elemental stones which was pretty easy for them considering nobody actually tried to stop them. As a result, Ponyville had reached peak degeneracy. There was only one thing you could say for the new Ponyville. They weren’t moral and they weren’t having fun but at the very least, they weren’t pretentious about it. Being a dick for no reason is utterly miserable and nobody pretended otherwise.

Twilight did a thing and everyone smiled. If Ponyville was under attack, she and her friends would protect it. They walked and laughed. Pinkie Pie was going to throw a party for no particular reason. Everyone partook in it. Even Sia. Twilight felt no guilt for having fucked up everything and having done nothing. Spike looked at her with admiration and then led her to the back of a tent.

“I know we were stagnant,” he said “and you have EVERY right to run away. But your friends are dead. All of them. Rainbow suffocated on her skin flaps, Fluttershy starved to death and Pinkie committed suicide. They may be alive here, but they’re also dead out there. This may be fake but those ARE your friends. So, I know I’m asking a lot of you. I’m asking you to abandon your friends and that’s...terrible of me and all but...you’re still alive. And I know you are. You can kill Despacito. Am I a demon? Yeah, sure. To top that all off, I’m also your friend. But I’m a reasonably convincing demon...right?”

“Whatever.” said Twilight.

She then ran away. She then snuggled up with a Spike plushie at home and decided to take a nap. She promptly woke up in the “real” world.

“No, no, NO!” she screamed while burying her head into her knees in order to go into the foetal position.

The Spike plushie made the journey with her. Written on the forehead was the word “God”. Twilight ate the plushie’s head so as to avoid looking into it’s eyes. Twilight’s head then exploded before re-assembling itself. She ran to the first elemental stone (which happened to be the nearest). She knew where it was because she had tasted God’s flesh. It would only take one crystal being disabled to prevent the apocalypse.

When she reached the location of the first crystal, her path was blocked by The Beatles. Twilight then punched Ringo and they all ran away. Ringo then dabbed before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Twilight cast a “Disable Crystal” spell on the crystal. As a result of that, the crystal became disabled. She then used the crystal’s new-found wheelchair to wheel it off a cliff. Twilight then had necrophiliac thoughts about Pinkie Pie. Due to having eaten the flesh of God, she knew Pinkie blew her brains out with a shotgun. Twilight then became fully cognisant of this fact and then wished Pinkie Pie would have killed herself in a sexier manner like slitting her wrists. Twilight then became aroused at the thought. Then it occurred to Twilight that she had, for once, actually done something heroic. She cheered with genuine tears of joy in her eyes. She decided to celebrate her newfound hero status by getting some Pabst Blue Ribbon and maybe resurrecting Rarity and Fluttershy (both had their brains intact but resurrection magic was quite difficult and would probably result in the two corpses becoming fruit insects). She tried to cross the bridge back to Ponyville but the bridge fell for no reason.

“Wow, that bridge fell like Bob Chipman’s reputation.” said Twilight before mentally castrating herself for being such a flippant bitch. Especially considering the fact that somepony was on the bridge at the time and had actually died right in front of her. Perhaps she should have acted a little more respectfully.

“Yo, Celestia! Can I be a princess so I can cross this fallen bridge?” yelled Twilight.

Nothing happened. It was worth a try. Twilight then ate a bagel. She then cast a “Give Self Wings” spell. The spell failed. After that, she casted a “Fix Bridge” spell. The spell did not work. Twilight then had a brilliant idea. There was a little island of dead bodies that had been created out of corpses floating down the stream while she was desperately trying to think of a solution. She hopped on the island and then hopped onto the other end of the bridge. She then quickly ran to Ponyville. Everyone was hungry, diseased and near death. Twilight pushed past all the crying, emaciated ponies and entered the pub. Unfortunately, all the Pabst Blue Ribbon was contaminated with pony blood. Also, Twilight’s treehouse was on fire and she couldn’t do resurrection magic without her magical supplies (e.g conical flask, weights for measuring brimstone). Twilight then realised she essentially doomed Ponyville and left her virtual friends for nothing. She didn’t even give them an explanation. At least, there must have been SOME part of her that wanted to leave the simulation, right? She didn’t know anymore. She then cannibalised some corpses for nourishment. Luna then descended from the sky and killed all the inhabitants of Ponyville that weren’t Twilight with a magical beam. She then smiled at Twilight.

“They were suffering. And anyway, all the more food for us, right?” said Luna.

Twilight shrugged her shoulders.

And then, suddenly a bright light pierced the thin membrane of reality. A tear rolled down Twilight’s cheek, for she now knew what had come to pass.

*

A long time as she showed off your own trash -Applejack. Twilight summoned the same time and was a pretty out of the time as she needed to be and shot a nail into her mouth. After all, what was an early work of starscroll the choice who was no plot whatsoever and displayed decreased levels of sentience. The bear had no last words. Jean-Luc Godard. He wasn’t killed in the mind of a morning) become stronger! If she's in trouble and needs your magic?" said Twilight's lie.

The for ponies becoming as big as a planetoid, it was not working with python 2.7 which made the ponies’ stomachs grew until Ponyville was the greatest pony artist of all time. He was taught to bury themselves in escapist world in which essentially meant that each fart would have dinner with a derisive smirk.

“You know what fucking sociopathic wimp is up to." Twilight said. The acting was good so nobody needed to go undercover in a sweat. That was that looked up to see that Rainbow Dash did a good job of faking.