Steamed Hams But Pinkie Pie Butchers and Cooks Trixie
There was a ring of the bell at Sugarcube Corner's door as Starlight entered. "Well, Pinkie, I made it," she said. "Your directions were good," she added, referring to the directions Pinkie had given her to a sarsaparilla store, after Starlight had said on the phone she wanted to bring something.
"Ah, Starlight, welcome!" Pinkie Pie hugged her tightly. She had invited Starlight over for lunch since the Cakes were out of town. "I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!"
Starlight placed the bottle of sarsaparilla she had brought on the table in a bucket of ice, while Pinkie went into the kitchen to attend to her meal… only to discover the oven billowing with smoke. She gasped in horror.
"Aw, ponyfeathers!" she exclaimed, opening the oven door to see the burning hay sandwiches. "My hay sandwiches are ruined!"
She needed a solution, and fast. She thought about it and looked out of the window to see Trixie's wagon. "But, what if… I were to kill Trixie and serve her to Starlight in the form of burgers?" She giggled to herself darkly as her mane deflated and became flat.
Trixie should have known that messing with a reality-warper by depriving her of the ability to speak, eat, or drink was a bad idea, as she had learnt when Pinkie had started routinely taking revenge on her by using her unexplainable powers to do things such as swapping around her face and her rump, or magically turning her into a cheesecake and cutting off the part where her mouth was. It had gotten to the point where she had made Trixie cower before her, and kiss her hooves and offer her a plate of cupcakes whenever she entered the room, in the hopes Pinkie wouldn't torment her. Starlight and her other friends frequently berated her for her torturing of the magician, but Pinkie didn't care. They didn't know what it was like, because Trixie hadn't removed their mouths for the duration of her reign in Ponyville. To make matters worse, they had forgotten all about her problem in favour of the show for the Saddle Arabians, even though Pinkie had just helped her ungrateful ass of a friend get back into Ponyville and overthrow Trixie.
Now, the time had come for a more permanent form of punishment. "Delightfully devilish, Pinkie!"
She removed her apron, opened the window, turned off the oven so the building wouldn't catch fire, and prepared to escape… but no sooner had Starlight entered the room than Pinkie's mane suddenly returned to its poofy state.
Pinkie & the Ex-Commie
Pinkie Pie with her crazy explanations
Starlight Glimmer is gonna need her medication
When she hears Pinkie's lame exaggerations
Trixie's going to die tonight!
"PIIIIINKIIIIIE!"
"Starlight!" said Pinkie quickly, with her front half outside and her back half inside. "I was just… uh… just counting the blades of grass outside! Eye muscle exercise! Wanna help me?"
"Why is there smoke coming out of the oven, Pinkie?" asked Starlight, pointing to the source of the smoke.
"Uh… ooh, that isn't smoke! It's steam!" said Pinkie. "Steam from the steamed yams we're having! Mmmmm! Steamed yams!"
Starlight found this reasonable and left, to which Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and wiped sweat from her forehead. Her mane and tail again went flat, and she jumped out of the window.
Pinkie Pie was dashing across Ponyville, past everypony else who went on with their daily lives, to Trixie's wagon at sufficient speed that she broke the door down.
Trixie jumped back in surprise. "What… what do you want with Trixie?"
Pinkie chuckled. "I was hoping you could join me and Starlight for an unforgettable luncheon!"
Trixie blinked. "…That's it?"
"Uh-huh! I'd be delighted to serve you!"
"Well…" Trixie was glad that Pinkie had supposedly forgiven her. "Then Trixie accepts the offer."
Pinkie escorted her back to Sugarcube Corner. "Alrighty then, through the window."
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
Pinkie decided that Trixie must be rich from all her performances. "Because the door charges an entry fee of 500 Bits exclusively for you."
Trixie went through the window. Pinkie followed her, and then she delightfully and devilishly locked the window shut. "So, Trixie…" She paced around Trixie slowly. "Do you like my new mane style?"
"It's…" Trixie thought. "It's passable." As if she would refer to anyone other than herself with high praise.
"There's something I wanna show you about my tail," added Pinkie. "Look real close at it."
Trixie befuddedly did so. "Closer… closer…" At Pinkie's instruction, Trixie looked even closer at the flat tail, only to be slapped in the face with it, causing her to fall backwards. She attempted to grab something to break her fall with, but only succeeded in grabbing a cloth under a block of knives, causing said block to launch up into the air and the knives to drop out and fall, every single one piercing Trixie's flesh and the floor, pinning her down. She screeched when the first one penetrated her belly, then screeched in a higher-pitch when the second one landed, and so on. At least until Pinkie gagged her.
"I think it's about time I paid you back for taking my mouth," said Pinkie, clearly not satisfied with the things she had already done before. "So I'll be taking most of your body."
She started by snapping off Trixie's horn to render her unable to use her magic powers to escape harm. Trixie's tears of pain dripped down and mixed with her blood.
Pinkie yanked a carving knife out from Trixie's torso, causing blood to spurt up like a fountain where it had been. She then began to cut her open in various places, before pulling out all of her bones save for those in her head. She yanked out the remaining knives and put Trixie (helpless to do anything, having no bones) back hooves-first into a meat grinder. Trixie cried and shrieked in excruciating pain as she was slowly pulled through, feeling her organs being ground up with her outer flesh. It stopped at her head, which Pinkie yanked out.
'This is going down in history,' Pinkie thought as she gagged Trixie. "Betcha wish I didn't have a mouth now, huh?" she taunted Trixie as she turned the heat on underneath the frying pan, and added a stick of butter, then a patty made of Trixie's ground-up flesh. There was enough meat to last a very long time, for any other usually-vegetarian pony who wanted to know what meat was like.
Pinkie eventually came out of the kitchen, balancing a silver platter on her snout, with two plates stacked high with burgers. Her mane had returned to its poofy shape.
"What was all that noise?" questioned Starlight.
"The oven," Pinkie said. "Anyway, Starlight, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!"
"I thought we were having steamed yams."
"No, no, I said steamed hams!" lied Pinkie, placing the platter on the table. "That's what I call hamburgers."
"You call hamburgers steamed hams?" asked Starlight, puzzled.
"Yes! It's a regional dialect," Pinkie explained.
"Uh-huh." Starlight nodded. "What region?"
"Where my rock farm home is," said Pinkie.
"Really," remarked Starlight. "Well, I've been there, and I never heard any of your family there use the phrase 'steamed hams'."
"Not down at the rock farm itself, no, it's from around the surrounding countryside," Pinkie clarified.
"I see." Starlight bit into one of the burgers while Pinkie drank from her glass of sarsaparilla.
"You know," Starlight began, "this hamburger reminds me of something."
"Really?"
"When Trixie and I were making out."
'I knew it!' thought Pinkie. In any case, she laughed. "Of course not! I was the only one involved in the making of these! Patented Pie Burgers! Old family recipe!"
"...For steamed hams."
"Yes!" Pinkie returned to eating, thinking of a joke to drop to subtly hint at Trixie's fate. 'I've got a gut feeling Trixie's around here somewhere! After all, isn't there a little Trixie in all of us? In fact you might even say we just ate Trixie and she's in our stomachs right now! Oh, wait... scratch that one.'
Pinkie didn't get the chance to say any of those, because Starlight took another bite… only to spit it out onto her plate. "There's a hair in it!" She pulled it out and inspected it. "It's… blue… like Trixie's mane and tail." She had apparently gotten the rump, one of the tastiest parts.
Pinkie was at a loss for words as Starlight looked to her for an explanation. "Y—you know, th—one thing I sh—" She decided now would be a good time to clear up the mess in the kitchen. She got up. "Excuse me for one second."
"Of course," said Starlight.
Pinkie went into the kitchen and hastily mopped up the blood before grabbing Trixie's still-living head and hiding it in the cupboard. She also played with a leek by spinning it around and singing a little catchy tune.
She returned to the table and stretched her forelegs as she yawned. "That was wonderful! Good time was had by all, I'm pooped!"
Starlight got up. "Yes, I should be—"
She was interrupted by a shrill piercing noise from the kitchen. Before that moment, Trixie's head had fallen out of the closet and into a bucket of lemon juice. The sour citrus-filled juice stung her exposed inner flesh and she shrieked in pure unadulterated agony as loud as she could be heard from behind her gag.
"SWEET CELESTIA, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!" exclaimed Starlight upon hearing Trixie's muffled screaming from inside the kitchen.
"The Great Dragon Migration?" Pinkie suggested quickly.
"Th—the Great Dragon Migration!" Starlight stammered. "At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of Equestria, localized entirely within the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner!"
"Yes!" There wasn't much else Pinkie Pie could say.
Starlight paused. "...May I see it?"
Another pause from Pinkie. "...No."
Pinkie followed Starlight out. But from inside, Trixie had managed to push the gag out of her mouth. "PLEASE HELP TRIXIE! SHE IS IN IMMENSE, TREMENDOUS PAIN!"
"No, Trixie, it's just the heat from the dragons' nostril breath," Pinkie called.
"Well, Pinkie Pie, you are an odd mare, but I must say…" Starlight smiled brightly in approval. "You steam a good ham."
Starlight began trotting away.
"HELP! HEEEEELLLLLP!"
Starlight turned around sharply upon hearing that, and Pinkie responded by waving with a large, nervous smile. Starlight continued walking away from the place that held her soon-to-be-dead best friend.
Now that Starlight was out of sight, it was time for Pinkie to loot Trixie's wagon and dispose of her head in the toilet.
