The Storm King was sure he had perished. After all, he vividly recalled getting smothered in obsidian crystal as he fell to what he had naturally assumed was a certain-for-realsies death. He also felt the curious sensation of his head violently separating from his body.
“Well, that did happen,” said the captain of kookiness, Discord, as he broke the fourth wall before the first page was even halfway over.
The voice had chimed from behind the Storm King, who tried to turn his head to see who was talking to himself. (At least someone can’t hear me.)
A gray goat-head with large yellow eyes and mismatched horns filled his vision. “Don’t bother, Stormy, old boy. You’ll just slide off the Princess Flame War limited edition collector plate.”
“Plate?” replied the Storm King, who peered past Discord and saw that the once blue sky was now a swirling mass of purple and green streaks. He whimpered, “Oh, sweet bananas, I’m in Tartarus!”
Discord, the doctor of dementia-“Ahem, you’re thinking of Doctor Demento.”-derailed my train of thought AGAIN so I’ll now call him the weapon of mass distraction. “Oh, now, don’t be so huffy. I’m fun and you know it.”
The Storm King’s mouth went slack as he stared at his captor. “Who are you talking to?”
“No one you need to concern yourself with,” Discord said dismissively. “For the record, whatever that record may be, you are not in the stygian depths of the underworld. You are in my home dimension. As of right now, the only person you need to be concerned about is me. Do you know who I am?”
“I had heard rumors that Equestria had some creature that could control reality, but I didn’t concern myself with anything but the mission to control the Princess’s magic.”
Discord’s eyebrows sprang up in surprise. After they popped off and flapped away, the lord of lunacy asked, “Let me get this straight. You knew I, a reality-warping Draconequus, lived in Equestria and you invaded anyway? You’re lucky to have a head to salvage.”
“Where is the rest of my body?” asked the Storm King.
“It’s buried in the Canterlot crypt, under heavy guard in case that little blue hedgehog minion of yours, Scrubber, Graboid or whatever his name is, tries to liberate your body.”
“How did you get my head without the guards noticing?”
Pinkie Pie jumped out from behind a nearby dental floss bush, a tray of rainbow-colored cupcakes balanced on her fluffy pink mane. “Hi, mister Monsoon Patrician!” she chirped. “Gee, I hope I didn’t drop your head too many times when I Pinkie-sneaked away from the crypt.”
Discord, the dean of delirium, declared, “Nice alliteration. Don’t worry about fumbling this particular ball, Pinkie. If he had laid one finger on my beloved Fluttershy, this story would have turned Grimdark in two sentences flat.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “What’s a Grimdark?” She popped a colorful cupcake down her gullet, savoring the chewy filling. “Mmm, that’s Dashie-liscious! Well, this is your story, Dizzy, so I’ll poink on out of here! Byeee!”
He quickly glomped two cupcakes off of Pinkie’s tray before she bounced out of sight. Popping one dessert into his maw, he gently placed the other treat in front of the Storm King’s head. Just out of reach of his tongue.
The deposed ruler rolled his eyes. “Now that’s just mean.”
In a flash of light, Discord was dressed in a black three piece suit. He clicked a pen open in one hand and held up a notepad in the other. “Let’s talk about meanness for a bit, shall we, Stormy? Tempest Edgelord told me quite a bit about you, none of it flattering.”
“Is this an evaluation of my mental health for my trial? Because I don’t think you’re a lawyer.”
Discord smirked and snickered. “As far as Equestria’s concerned, the only thing you are now is a cautionary tale. It’s only because of that weird black crystal smothering your neck that I was able to revive you in time. Now that you’re here, where reality is only an option, I can keep you alive forever.”
The Storm King’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Great! Can you do the same for my body?”
Discord shook his head. “Oh, darn. Sorry. Your body’s deader than disco. Even if I could raise the dead, I trust you about as much as I can trust Chrysalis.”
His eyes bugged out. “The Queen of the Changelings is here, too?”
“She’s a patient of mine.” He coughed and looked away. “After a fashion.”
“Where is she?”
“She’s talking to the trees, but they never listen. Anymore, anyway. They got tired of her carving wooden dolls of the Mane Six out of their limbs, so they took the train to Manehatten.”
Scowling, the king grumbled. “I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not.”
“I get that a lot.” The general of goofiness sighed wistfully. “You know, I really thought I could reform her. But after a few months in my realm, she just snapped and ran off into the Everweird forest.“
“Reform her?” The Storm King queried. “How could you, of all . . . people, and I use that term politely, turn over that lunatic’s leaf?”
“I can take reality, bend it, shape it, anyway I want it, but I still can’t change another person’s mind. Not without causing them to go cracked in the coconut. And turning gray, to boot. She and I have a lot in common. I was hoping that would help with her reformation. Even in this realm of chaos, some things just aren’t meant to be.”
The king’s eyes slitted. “You’re a force of nature, Discord. Just like me. Why bother with someone that far gone?”
Discord’s eyes suddenly popped open on top of the king’s cupcake. The mouth that opened in the paper wrapping replied, “My personal motives are none of your beeswax. Speaking of being terminally loopy, Tempest Fizzgig told me that you call yourself a king who is a storm. That takes top prize in the delusional self-image contest.”
A gold trophy flashed into existence next to the king. It was capped with a bust of his head, the top of which was missing. Children’s toys were spilling over the rim of his skull. The front of the trophy read; ‘Winner of the “Toys In The Attic” category”.
The king looked away from his new prize, sticking out his tongue. “Now that’s even meaner than before.”
The headmaster of hilarity blew a raspberry. After stuffing the fruit into a jam jar, he replied, “No, mean is gathering up an army of your fellow Yetis and trashing your neighboring countries.”
“You know what my race is called? I’m impressed!” The Yeti frowned. “I’m also a little put off by you suggesting that I’m a lunatic.”
Resting his chin in one hand while holding up the rest of his head with the other, Discord said, “At least your actions drove Twilight to create a School of Friendship, so at least some good came out of the mess you made. It has just about every creature represented there.”
The King let fly with a tiny fart noise. “Friendship, huh? Did Princess Celestia give one scrap of friendship about the southern regions I conquered before I parked on her doorstep?”
Waving his hand around before tossing it over his shoulder, Discord replied, “Uhm, maybe?”
“Ha! No. Equestria loves to believe that it’s the greatest, most awesomest country in the world, but it’s really the most selfish. How much aid does Celestia give to countries like, say, Griffonstone?”
“Well, the map sent Rainbow and Pinkie to help them out about two years ago.”
“And has that county gotten any better since then?” the King asked with a wry grin.
Rubbing his chin, Discord replied, “Not . . . as such, no. They did send one of their own to study friendship at the University.”
“Wow. Gee. And all that friendship helps pave the griffon’s roads and rebuilds their houses, right? What a steaming load of . . .”
Discord reached down to the Yeti’s head and sealed his mouth shut with a shiny metal zipper. “Let me just stop you right there. You kvetch about Princess Snow Globes giving only token help to other non-pony races, but the sea-ponies had to leave their surface world behind in order to escape your tender mercies.”
“Pho?”
“You call yourself The Storm King, capital TSK, but you don’t actually rule any of those southern regions, do you? After Chryssi went on a Koo-Koo-In-The-Think-Meat sabbatical, I visited a few of your conquested lands. I might as well have visited Princess Luna’s lunar moon-rock garden.”
The deposed King managed to shrug with his ears. “Hmm.”
“The point I’m trying to make is that, yes, Princess Sunshine-Lollipop-Rainbows may not have had the best track record when It came to giving a helping hoof to other countries, but at least she didn’t actively trash them.”
The king coughed, looking at his zipper. The mayor of merriment snapped his fingers and the muzzle flashed away. “Here comes the guilt trip.” Just as Discord opened his mouth, the Yeti coughed like an impatient teacher. “It’s my turn to start monologing , okay? It may seem like I just stormed through all those countries and stole their lunch money like some bratty school-yard bully, but I actually did all of my kingdom’s subjects a big favor.”
Discord stared for so long that his eyes dried out and drifted away in twin clouds of yellow dust. An eyelid blink later, a new set of eyes focused on the severed head. “You have my attention.”
“I was raised on scraps and slept in alleys for years. My childhood largely consisted of dodging rats and punching gang members in the tender vittles just to survive. When I blasted those countries into rubble, I forced them all to face the harshest lessons of life.”
Folding his arms, and then putting them away in a drawer, Discord urged, “Thrall me with your acumen, oh wise one.”
Ignoring the barbed comment, the King continued. “I toughened my subjects from their cushy slumber. Only when they suffer the way I had to suffer do they learn that friendship is the most insidious lie of them all. All a friend can ever be is an enemy who hasn’t betrayed you yet. You can only rely on yourself. If the griffons ever truly understood that, they would now be in much better shape.”
“This goes way beyond you not getting enough hugs as a wee tot, I’m guessing.”
The king studied the paragon of pottiness for a moment. “You’re not really a psychiatrist, are you? I could stay here for centuries and you’d never get a clue about me. But I think I understand you now.”
“Is this the part where you ask me to join your side and help conquer the world? Because I fell for that once with Tirek.” Discord drew an X on his chest. “Never again.”
“You think you’re always clever. Probably because you’re used to getting your way. If this mondo-bizzaro realm is your birthplace, it was probably a long time before you stepped into Equestria. You took a look around and decided to rebuild the world in your image.”
“I was young and impetuous, I must admit. But I didn’t hurt anyone.”
The Yeti grinned mirthlessly. “Pain educates, ‘Dizzy’. Those that fear pain are the easiest to conquer. Those that endure it are worth being a part of my kingdom. I read in a history book that you were turned into a statue for a thousand years. That must have been painful for you, not having things go your way for so long.”
“Pain taught me a lot, but not in the way you think.”
“What do you mean?”
“I spent a lot of time looking inward. Not much choice since I was a giant garden gnome for thirty pony generations. I recalled all the ponies that lost their homes and property because those places floated off into space. Several pony families would come to the garden and scream at me for the pain I caused them. I just wanted to have some fun, but I ended up doing just the opposite. I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was. I’m still not.”
“You are better than these sappy ponies, Discord.” The King assured. “You have the power to warp the world, but you settle for this Fluttershy mare. You’re limiting yourself, don’t you see?”
“I’ve been a conqueror before, Drizzle Jester. It’s not always good to be the king.”
The Yeti snorted. “Not my point of view. Things were going great until . . .”
“Until you became your own worst enemy.” Tapping his head, Discord continued, “A leader in another reality once said that if you want to test someone’s character, you give them power. You flunked that test with a capital F plus. Even with the combined magic of the most powerful beings in the world, you ended up as a cluster of paperweights in less than five minutes.”
“Tempest switched sides on me!” the King growled.
“After you betrayed her. It’s what you do, I know. You also turned your back on your soldiers. A king without followers is just a goofball with a crown. It took a thousand years of agonizing solitude for me to learn that life without good, trustworthy people is no life at all.”
In a flash of light, Discord, the captain of chaos, materialized a thick scrapbook. He sat down next to the King’s head and showed him the first page. Fluttershy and Discord were skating on a frozen lake. They were both smiling at each other. “You don’t believe that those people exist because you kept getting the worst that people can give. That’s why you hurt those territories. You weren’t teaching them anything, you just wanted to punish them for making you hard and cynical. It was when you tried to punish the entire world that everything fell apart for you.”
Looking down at the obsidian crystals protruding from his neck, the King quipped, “Literally. It can be good to be the king, Discord. But only good kings can ever claim that, I guess.”
Discord flipped through a few more pages. There were more photos of Discord throughout the years. One was a close up of him with the Blue Flu. Another had him showing off the medal he was awarded for helping to defeat Queen Chrysalis.
“Who took these pictures?” asked the Yeti.
“The narrator. I don’t always remember to take a selfie when I’m getting shot at, so I have him do it.”
“Is it that guy with the green ski mask with the question mark on it?”
Is that what I look like? “Afraid so, old boy,” replied the king of . . . of . . . dang it. He patted me on the shoulder, which, to the deposed King, looked like he was patting a pocket of air. “You’ve been with me longer than anypony. Since you’re in the third person, you can always keep up with me. That’s why I snapped a picture of you. I need reminders of who’s important in my life.”
Aw. Thanks. I take back a third, no, make that half of the nasty things I told the audience about you.
The king asked, in a cautious tone, “You’re talking to invisible people. Chrysalis is talking to trees. Am I going to lose my mind next?”
Discord tsked. “Considering how much trouble you’ve given the world and yourself, losing your old mind might be the best therapy you can get. It’s time to get a new one, Lightning Lord.”
He turned another page. A full page spread of every pony he ever knew sat around him. He wore a birthday hat on one horn and a party streamer on the other. But it wasn’t his birthday, it was Rainbow Dash’s. He had taken a liking to her and wanted to make her special day even more so. Which explained the plaid giraffes and tap-dancing parakeets. Rainbow had the same gigantic grin she sported when she was asked to join the Wonderbolts. Why would anyone not want this? Who could ask for anything more? How was this limiting himself?
The king asked, “How many years does this book cover?”
“Oh, about eight years. It seems longer than that, somehow.”
“Some of these ponies seem to be showing their age.”
“The passage of time affects us all, Stormy. Even me. In a few years, Equestria just might be unrecognizable to both of us. I can’t travel through time, so I have no idea where I’ll be in a few dozen months.” He patted the Yeti on the head. “But not even that matters. If Chrysalis comes out of the woods, she’ll have someone new to talk to.”
“I can hardly wait.”
“Count your blessings, Downpour Duke. It’s still better than being dead.”
“What if I don’t change into what you want me to be?”
He shrugged. “Then you’ll serve a very important role for me. History is a cautionary tale. Especially your personal history. You’ll be a reminder to me of what I once was. Or what I might become if I’m not careful.”
“Even if I do change, I can’t go back home. What would I do for a living, assuming you ever give me a body?”
“Slow your roll, as they like to say.” He smirked. “Let’s not get . . .”
The king winced, desperately curling up his ears. “Oh, no! Please don’t say it!”
“A head of ourselves.”
* * *
In the middle of the Everweird forest, Chrysalis’s donkey-like ears perked up as she asked a tree, “Did I just hear a monkey howl?”
Author's Note
I wanted to write more, but I'm not that Head-onistic.
