Beating the Deadbeat

by BikerPon3

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Spike, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1122

You don’t just throw Starlight Glimmer out of the bathroom window and get away with it.

Spike’s long lost father has finally shown up to be there for his son, but it turns out he’s not a very pleasant individual at all.

This greatly displeases Starlight.

To my regular readers, fair warning—there is no romance, there is no human, there is only Starlight kicking the crap out of a dragon.

I have no idea why I wrote this. I watched the recent ‘Father Knows Beast’ episode. It triggered me, I guess? This is my take on how the episode should have went. Suffice to say, there are some pretty major spoilers.

Enjoy… Or maybe not. I wrote it in like two hours.

Preread by JimboTex. Cover art by davidsfire.

Published 2018-10-15 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-15 00:50:01 UTC

You Did Not Just Throw Me and My Bathtub Out of the Window

“Dragons like to sprawl when they get their claws done,” Sludge droned in that gravelly voice of his, loudly cracking his freshly filed claws. He slid off the Cutie Map table, defiling it with the act, for a noticeable smear of what looked liked bacon grease was left there in his wake. Rarity felt bile rise in the back of her throat. How could this awful cretin be related to Spike? It was simply not possible. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me—it’s time for my bath.”

“I think it was time for your bath three days ago,” Rarity quipped, the stench of unwashed dragon causing her nose to shrivel up like a raisin under the sun. If Sludge or Spike had any sort of retort to her moment of weakness, Rarity couldn’t hear it over the sound of the enraged growl that suddenly shook the castle walls.

“BATH? OH, NO. BY THE FIRES OF TARTARUS—YOU AIN’T HAVING NO BATH!”

Starlight Glimmer stomped into the throne room like sompony had just thrown her favourite kite into a woodchipper. One might’ve said that she was upset, but judging by her furrowed brows, ears that could carve out a new artex pattern in the ceiling, and a complete lack of any pupils or irises, Rarity would guess that one would be woefully understating. Despite this, she couldn’t quite suppress the urge to make a point. “Are you sure, darling? I think we would all benefit if Sludge took a bath. Preferably in bleach, if he’s open to suggestion-”

“No! This. Ends. Now.Vͨͥ͡͏̭̖̠̀e̬̞̜̍̈̂̎ͬ̓̎̿r̝̭̄̽ͅi̵̢̲̻͈͙͚̘̤̞̳̍t̷͖͙͑ͫ̂̑ͦ͗ͨ͊̕a̸̡̖͇̣̣̣̥͉͐̏͛͛ͥ̎ͤ͟ͅt̫̰͓̥͈̥̝̑ͥ̒̎̐͠e̴̹̯̥͋̏ͩ͊͑ͣͮ͜m͊̌͂͌ͬ͏͖͇͕̼̠̞ ͊ͦ̚͞҉͙̗͙̗͓͕͠d̢̩̣͉̜̬̼̼̦̘̍̈́ͦͮͨ̈ͬ̓ȉ̴͎̹͙̫̦̹̟̐̄̏͊͘c̼̩̲̈̿̎̔́̚͠e̴̠̙̜̲͎͈̿ͤͭ͘r̴̷̞̦̬̼̍ͧͬ͡e̦͓͚̮̤̬̥͛ͦ̆̎̾!"

The light of a thousand suns suddenly shone from Starlight’s blank, godless eyes. The demonic undertone of her incantation penetrated the innermost reaches of Rarity’s soul in a split second, but it was not her who was the intended recipient. No. The Cutie Map table ignited, throwing scorching black flames high, all the way up to the roots of the long dead Golden Oaks embedded into the ceiling. Spike’s supposed ‘father’ rose up, grasped in the dark, arcane grip of the spell, eyes unblinking at things Rarity could not see, ears twitching at things she could not hear.

“Starlight! What are you doing to m-my d-dad!” Spike yelled, newly grown wings failing to get him off the ground. The poor drake watched as the flames engulfed the larger dragon.

“Ḥ͇̭̗̭͊̏ͩ́̅̚͡e̢̝̲̰̒̏͂̎ͮ ̰ͯ͟i̫ͨs͈̠̲̹͎ ̱̠̬͉̹͍̗ͩ͛͗̒̅n҉̜͓̩̣̤̙̦o̱̝͓̣t̛͖͍͉̦̬ ̌̓̊̆̎̐̚҉̹y̗̯̥͚͚̙̬̅̔͌o̩ͩ̃̔ͭ͛ͮ̉u͙̪̗̖̮̹̤̽ͭͭ̄́̒r̵̜͕ͬ̿̉ ͑̐͊ͧ̅fͣ̓̋̊ͨ̚͢a̧͇͉͕͖̘̝̥ͥ̑͛̉͂̇t̨͈̽̍͒̃͗̀̚h͈̺̞̯ͬ͆͊ͧ̉e̺͇̻͙̣̻͔̍̉͛͢r͏̺.̝͉̱̟͓̙̚ ͕̪̊ͧ͊ͬ̇͜Ĥ̜̝̓̎̏͘ẹ̟̙̦̩̥̣̋ͯ̔̓̐̕ ̡͊̐̄̔͒̏̽i̪̺̳̩̩͕͓̽ͦ̀̒̀s̷ͨ̒ͥ̑ ̙̼̭͙͉̫͚̍s̷̼ͥi̤̞̝̠̪͐r̊̓͏̩e͕̘̘ͪ͋̒̍ ̞̖̮̼̒͆͊ͧ͋̿̕t̬̤͚̺̼̲̳̃̅̒̂̈ͧ͑o͖̅ͩ͋ ̺̞̭̜ͭ́̅n͍͎̟̳̟̬ͣ͋ͦͭo͕͎̞̲ͥͥ̈͆̎ͤ͡ ̶͛ͨ̏͗̂o̘̖͈̺̤̭͂̅̔ͩ̉n͋̾ͨͫ͂̆͌ê̦͍̫̮̼̻̈́̄,” Starlight rasped, with the charming voice of an undead corpse.

Tears welled up in Spike’s eyes. Rarity was at his side in an instant, just as the black flames parted, revealing what appeared to be a magically generated hologram. The hologram depicted an empty cave, bereft of gems, bar a few tiny shards here and there. A pile of ashes lay in the centre, evidence of a fire that had long since burned out. And there sat Sludge the dragon, sulking right next to it. The sight gave Rarity chills from the tip of her horn to her hooves, seeing the ghostly visage hovering beneath the real-life Sludge, still hovering motionless beneath the tree roots.

“W-What is this?” Spike sobbed, holding onto Rarity’s fetlock and gazing up at the vision with wide eyes.

Darkness swirled, and the cave morphed into a distant image of Twilight’s Castle, in front of which Twilight could be seen attempting to teach Spike how to fly.

“Wait, that’s… that’s me!” Spike gasped, his brow furrowing.

The vision swirled in into inky blackness again, morphing into an image of Sludge reading a book… This time, it was Rarity’s turn to gasp. “That’s Twilight’s fillyhood diary! Where in Equestria did he get that?”

Starlight did not answer, and Sludge was still very much unconscious. The vision faded once more, this time being replaced with Sludge slumped upon a mountain of gems, cakes, pies, amongst all manner of other food and trinkets from the castle pantry and stores.

Spike simply stared, cruel comprehension dawning on his childlike features.

“I think we’ve seen enough,” Starlight said, thankfully, in her normal, demon-free voice.

The vision, the flames, the Cutie Map—all of it vanished as though it had never been, leaving the old roots of Golden Oaks completely intact and undamaged.

Sludge fell to the table with a dull thud, gasping in lungfuls of air as though he had just flown a Wonderbolts Derby. “What… What just happened?” he slurred, eyes still spinning in their sockets.

It took a few moments for Rarity to realise Spike was no longer clinging to her leg. The little dear stood before his unfamiliar brethren with a scowl that could cut granite. “You lied to me!”

Sludge blinked. “Oh… Figure that out, did ya’? Heh, you’re not as dumb as you look, after all.”

“Spike,” said a sickeningly sweet voice. Rarity had to do a double take upon realising it had come from Starlight. “Are you satisfied that this dragon is not your father?”

The young drake gave a steely nod. “Yeah.”

“Delightful.”

Instead of charging her horn for a spell, Starlight walked right up to the Sludge, span a one-eighty on her forehooves and fired an expertly aimed kick right at his family jewels.

She did not miss the mark.

“OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!” Sludge screamed, eyes rolling up into the back of his ugly head, claws curling in on themselves, tail whipping up between his legs and nearly slapping him in his stupid face.

“THAT WAS FOR THROWING ME OUT OF THE WINDOW!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!”

“And this-” Starlight growled, her horn conjuring a recently ripped-out bathtub into existence “-is for taking advantage of my friend!”

WHACK.

Sludge was sent barreling across the room like a bowling ball, hitting the crystal wall with a loud, oily splat that was both repulsive and hilarious.

“Now, get out of my sight before I turn you into Equestria’s ugliest wall bust!”

Sludge didn’t need to be told twice. He flopped out of the open window like a limp pancake, falling a good seventy feet before managing to catch himself with his wings. Starlight turned to Spike, who was looking a little lost, despite the revelation.

“Spike, you don’t need some dragon to tell you how to be a good dragon. You’re already a good dragon. In fact, I’d say you’re the best kind of dragon,” she said, wrapping the small drake in a one forelegged hug.

“Yes, a dragon who practices good personal hygiene,” Rarity was quick to add.

Author's Note

I was aiming for 1k words. I missed.

Anyway, let me know if you spotted any errors. There are bound to be a few. Both Tex and I are half blind when it comes to proofreading.