The Neighanderthal

Chapters

Pinkie Reads A Hearth Warming's Eve Story
Tarpan
Daisy Sandwiches
The Princesses Pay A Visit
Fight In The Everfree
Lost in Translation
Pinkie Attempts To Throw A Rave
A Change of Pace
A Bug in the System
Bananas, Bananas Everywhere
A Noteworthy Situation
An (Attempted) Interview With Edgar
The Wild-Stallion of Whitetail Wood

Pinkie Reads A Hearth Warming's Eve Story

Sugarcube Corners was looking positively ready for Hearth’s Warming Eve. Strings of blinking lights flashed from every possible edge, each one seemingly a different color. Peppermint stripes of red and white were wrapped around the railings, with holly leaves and berries hung from evenly spaced intervals. Wind chimes made of sleigh bells were strung about the whole building, the flashing of the lights reflecting off of their silver and gold surfaces. There was even a sleigh upholstered in red and green felt sitting out in the yard.

Unfortunately, such lavish décor had a limited effect, as it was currently 11:00 AM, July 14th, and the temperature was roughly ninety-six degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, rather than the merriment associated with the winter season, Twilight looked back at her friends with a mildly concerned frown on her face.

“Do you think she’s lost it this time?” she asked quietly, knowing that Pinkie Pie could very well be standing right behind her.

“If her hair is straight, run,” Rainbow Dash whispered.

“Well, I for one am impressed with her display,” said Rarity, her eyes running up and down every nook and cranny of the bakery, “This has to be one of the finest arrangements I’ve ever seen. Just look at that mistletoe!” Dash leaned back, giving the whole set up a cynical glance.

“Yeah, I’m lookin’ at it,” she mumbled, “And I’m pretty convinced she’s flipped her lid.”

“Well, this is Pinkie we’re talkin’ ’bout,” said Applejack, “This can’t be the craziest thing she’s ever done.”

“I, um, I think it looks nice…” Fluttershy said to nopony in particular. The moments following this comment were spent waiting for Pinkie to appear, as she tended to spring up out of nowhere when things became quiet. She didn’t fail to disappoint. A pink pony dressed as Canter Claus suddenly stepped out from behind Rainbow Dash.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Pinkie chortled from behind a fake beard, “Merry Hearth Warming’s Eve!” She vigorously rung a bell she clutched in her hoof in the ears of all her friends. When she stopped, Twilight raised a concerned eyebrow. The thick red jacket and cap Pinkie wore had to have been unbearable in the summer heat, yet the pink mare didn’t seem to notice.

“Uh, Sugarcube,” murmured Applejack as she put a foreleg around Pinkie’s shoulder, “You feelin’ alright today?” Pinkie merely grinned at the farmer, her smile not at all deterred by the snow-white facial hair.

“I’m feeling fantastic!” she shouted, “I had the greatest, most stupendous idea ever! Everypony loves Hearth’s Warming, but not all of them like the cold weather! So I figured, what if we had a second Hearth’s Warming in the middle of July, just for the warm-weather ponies?!” Though this idea was outlandish and rather ridiculous, her friends were not at all surprised, as most of Pinkie’s ideas tended to be this way.

“Come on in,” continued the baker, “I’ve got everything set up! Well, almost everything…Hold on.” Her friends watched as she pulled what looked like a walkie-talkie out of her belt. “Bring on the Snow!” she called into the speaker.

“Roger!” came a familiar voice from the other end. Everypony jumped as an enormous block of ice crashed on to the lawn behind Pinkie. The pink pony whirled around and gave the small glacier a hard glare before looking up at the sky, where a walleyed Pegasus fluttered in place.

“Ditzy!” called the Canter Claus impersonator, “This isn’t snow! It’s ice!” Ditzy Doo frowned sheepishly.

“Sorry!” she shouted, “I couldn’t get the snow back without it melting!” Twilight sighed and turned to Rainbow Dash.

“Why didn’t she just get a snow cloud?” she muttered. The cyan Pegasus gave the unicorn a cynical look in response.

“Because we only get snow clouds in winter,” she said, “They have to be flown in from Snow Fall’s factory up North. Ditzy probably got it from a mountaintop or something.” Twilight shrugged and turned back to Pinkie, who was already over the problem and was intent on leading them into Sugarcube Corners.

“Oh well. It’s just for outside anyway. Come on, let’s get this party started!” She bounded up to the wreathed door, her five friends in tow. When Pinkie flung open the door, they were immediately hit with an unendurable blast of hot air. It was quite evident what the source of the heat was, as Pinkie had built a massive fire in the fireplace. In winter it would have been tolerable, even cozy. But in the heat of summer it seemed as though Pinkie was trying to get the group into a furnace.

“Just wait, I’ll get the milk and cookies!” Pinkie said excitedly as she rushed in, “Make yourselves at home!” Unable to refuse the invitation, Twilight and the others journeyed into the roasting room, which like the outside of the building had been trimmed with Hearth Warming decorations.

“This is insanity…” moaned Applejack as she flopped down in a chair, “Somepony’s gotta say somethin’ to her.”

“You can be the one to do it, ’cause I’m sure not,” grumbled Dash.

“Well I still think it’s lovely,” Rarity said, trying her best to sound like she wasn’t dying of heatstroke. As the fashion diva said this, Twilight saw Fluttershy closing the door. The unicorn’s eyes widened in dread as she rushed over to the entrance.

“Don’t!” she cried, stopping it with her magic. Fluttershy looked back at her with her usual nervousness.

“But…” began the cream-colored Pegasus.

“Just leave it open,” sighed Twilight as she returned to her seat, “We’ll die in here if you don’t.” Fluttershy gave an anxious frowned as she joined her friends by the table. Moments later, Pinkie returned to the room, carrying a large platter of cookies in one hoof, and several glasses of milk in the other.

“Now we’re all set for the story!” she cried as she slid each pony a glass. Twilight immediately levitated the drink to her lips, hoping for some relief from the scorching heat. Instead she found that the milk had been preheated. It was not terribly hot, but the warmness seemed extremely disappointing. Hoping to cheer herself up, she took a bite from a cookie--and promptly screamed as she burned her tongue.

“Careful, Twilight,” Pinkie said cheerily as she took a seat in a nearby rocking chair, “They’re oven fresh!” Twilight took another sip of the warm milk to try and soothe her burnt mouth, glaring at the others as they giggled at her.

“Okay everypony,” Pinkie said as she opened up a massive, dusty tome, “You’re all gonna love this story! My great-grannie Pie read it to me every Hearth’s Warming Eve before we went to bed!”

“Oh, how charming,” said Rarity, “What’s it called?”

“The Foals Who Didn’t Believe In The Krampus and Regretted It.” The five ponies that made up the audience stared silently as the costumed mare held the book so that they could see the illustrations, which were old and appeared to be woodcuts. The first picture showed two foals, one a colt, the other a filly, outside a small house during the winter.

“Once upon a time there where two foals who didn’t believe in the Krampus,” began Pinkie Pie, “They always misbehaved. They never did their chores, they lied to their parents, and all sort of nasty things.” Pinkie turned the page, which showed the foals up in a hayloft dumping a bucked of water on a colt below them.

“They always played mean tricks on other foals, and were so sneaky that they thought that they’d never get caught. And for the most part, they didn’t. That is, until Hearth Warming’s Eve.” Again, Pinkie turned the page. This showed the foals standing next to a tree festooned with crude ornaments fashioned from wood.

“That night the foals couldn’t sleep, because they wanted their presents from Canter Claus so bad. They were so excited that they forgot to put out milk and cookies for him. But instead of the tinkling of sleigh bells, they heard the rattling of rusty chains.” Pinkie flipped the page. The audience, which had been watching up until this point with only mild interest, now gazed intently at the book.

The new picture showed something that resembled a hunched, demented Minotaur, but was part goat instead of part bull. It covered in shaggy fur, with several chains wrapped around its torso. Its jaws were open to reveal a frightful number of fangs, as well as a long, pointed tongue. But most frightening of all were the massive claws that adorned the ends of its hands, in which it clutched a bundle of birch branches.

“Before they knew it, the Krampus came down the chimney and found them. Both of them were really scared, because while Canter Claus brings presents to good foals, the Krampus comes to punish them.”

The next page showed the two foals being beaten with the birch rods the Krampus held, with terrified, agonized expressions adorning their tiny faces. They were somewhat similar to the faces of the audience as they heard the narrator continue.

“And boy did they get punished!” Pinkie said, turning the page, which showed the two foals weeping next to the tree. Thankfully, the hideous creature was gone.

“When he was done, The Krampus went to look for more foals to punish. The two foals were very sad and scared. Neither of them got anything for Hearth’s Warming, and they never did anything naughty again.” Pinkie closed the book, and gave the clearly traumatized audience a smile.

“Who’s up for some eggnog?”

“Y-…your grandmother read that to you every Hearth’s Warming?” breathed Rarity.

“Great-grandmother,” corrected Pinkie, “It was the highlight of the evening!”

“That’s…uh…That’s really nice, Pinkie,” said Dash, who was trying to keep a palled Fluttershy from falling out of her seat.

Before the situation could get any more awkward, Rarity let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“KRAMPUS!” she shrieked as she pointed a hoof at the window. Immediately, all members of the party turned to see a large, hairy beast dart away from the window, heading down Mane Street. Pinkie laughed as her mortified friends began to tremble.

“That can’t be the Krampus, silly,” she giggled, “He only comes around during Hearth’s Warming.” But as usual, she had missed the entire point. Something, be it the Krampus or not, had just been standing in the window looking at them.

“Come on!” cried Twilight, who in the moment had forgotten about the sweltering heat around her. Likewise the other ponies rose up to follow her as she dashed out of the bakery in pursuit of whatever had been outside the bakery. Their hooves squelched on the water soaked lawn as they raced past the feeble remains of what had been the massive ice block Pinkie substituted for snow.

“I see it!” shouted Rainbow Dash as she pointed to a powerful shape that lumbered past Bonbon’s sweetshop. She and her friends soon caught up with it, as it paused right in front of the store. Twilight’s eyes widened as she neared the figure.

It was a pony, but unlike any other she’d ever seen. He was short and stocky, but had huge muscles bulging beneath his skin. His fur was shaggy and unkempt, and was a peculiar dark grayish-brown. Everything about his head seemed bigger than her own; the ears, nostrils, and jaws. A wild, bristly mane ran down from his forehead to his withers. The creature was soaking wet, which seemed strange as they were nowhere near a body of water. His stone-gray eyes squinted and widened as he looked into the shop through the large glass window. Twilight heard several ponies inside scream as they spotted the beast.

“Hold up there!” Applejack barked as gave a hard glare to the unkempt pony, “What in Tarnation are you doin’ peekin’ in everypony’s windows?!” The strange pony turned his large head and snorted at her, and made a series of annoyed sounds in a voice that was deep and guttural. Though it sounded like gibberish, Twilight was quick to pick up on a pattern--almost as if he were speaking some kind of language. But before she could notice anything else, the creature turned and galloped off down the street.

Tarpan

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sat on a bench on the playground of Ponyville Elementary, thinking up new names to call their fellow students. As usual, Diamond Tiara would dictate, and Silver Spoon would write them down so that they could remember them for later.

“See that fat kid over there?” said Tiara as she pointed to a portly gray pony who was nibbling on a cookie. Spoon looked up and adjusted her glasses.

“You mean Truffle Shuffle?” she muttered.

“From now on we’re calling him Sir Eats-a-lot,” said the pink equine, “You got that?”

“Yes,” said Spoon, as she scribbled away in the notepad. Tiara scanned the crowd of foals to pick out a new target. She placed a thoughtful hoof to her chin as she squinted.

“Let’s see,” she murmured to herself, “Hmm…How about that dork with the glasses?” She looked over to see Spoon giving her a hurt frown. The filly sighed and rolled her eyes.

“I meant the dork with the buck teeth, not you.” Spoon flipped through the pages of the notepad for a moment.

“Twist? I thought we called her Lisp-Lips.”

“I got a better one,” continued Tiara, “Her new name is Candy-cane Creep.” Spoon raised a nervous eyebrow.

“That…um…I think Lisp-Lips sounds better…In my opinion, anyway.” Tiara narrowed her eyes at the grey filly, who shrank back, though it was not that threatening of a glare.

“I don’t care what your opinion is, we’re calling Candy-cane Creep.”

“Of course we are,” sputtered Spoon, “It’s just, well, I don’t get why we’d call her that.”

“Because I said so,” said Tiara. This was how she finished all her arguments with Spoon, so they now had time to notice that the playground had suddenly become as empty as an unguarded cookie jar in a cafeteria. All except for a large, unusual-looking stallion who was lumbering up to the bench. He snorted and growled, sounding more like a wild animal than an equine. Spoon was instantly terrified of him. Tiara, however, regarded him the same way that she regarded everypony else at school: with irritating contempt.

“What are you looking at?” she snapped. The stallion now stood only a foreleg’s length away, and looked at them with what seemed to be confusion. He began to let out a series of garbled sounds, as if he were trying to communicate.

“Shut up!” sneered Tiara, “If you can’t speak Equestrian, then you don’t belong here!” The shaggy-coated stallion then noticed the notepad in Spoon’s trembling hooves. He reached out with a pillar-like foreleg and plucked it out of her grasp.

“Hey!” cried the enraged Tiara, “Give that back, you woolly idiot!” The stallion looked at her and glared. Though he couldn’t understand her words, he was clearly able pick up on her insulting tone. He barked at her condescendingly in his mysterious language. Tiara did not take kindly to this, as she wasn’t used to being yelled at. She was about to embark on a tirade of nasty childish insults when a lasso suddenly appeared around the stallion’s outstretched forelimb. The creature dropped the notepad, reared up and let out a surprised whinny, kicking his massive forelegs in surprise and anger.

“Gotcha!” came a victorious southern drawl, “Get away from them young’uns!”

Tiara and Spoon saw six ponies over by the swings. An orange earth pony in a Stetson held the other end of the lasso in her mouth. The stallion whirled around to face them, and let out a menacing bellow.

Twilight Sparkle cringed as she saw the pony expose a mouthful of huge, square teeth in an angry grimace.

“Just gimme a second,” Applejack murmured, “I’ll have this--WHOA!” Twilight and the others gaped as Applejack was yanked forward. The stallion had pulled back on the rope, sending her tumbling to the ground. Before she could get back to her hooves, the stallion started running. Applejack yelped as she was dragged along the grass, narrowly avoiding a collision with the slide.

“Oh no you don’t!” came the tomboyish voice of Rainbow Dash as she took to her wings and soared towards the fleeing creature. Twilight watched in awe as the Pegasus dove to tackle the powerful beast. Both parties tumbled to the ground as she made impact, but were up in a moment, glaring at each other.

“Alright buddy, you wanna go?” Dash growled through clenched teeth, “Then let’s--” Her words were suddenly cut off as Twilight stepped in front of her. To her relief, the stallion didn’t try and run off again. Instead he seemed to be standing his ground, ready to attack if he had to. The purple unicorn tried her hardest to look as non-threatening as possible, though she was scared out of her mind as to what the creature could do if he grew angry at her. She slowly raised a foreleg and pointed at herself.

“Twilight Sparkle,” she said, loudly and eloquently. The stallion’s defensive stance relaxed a little, though he still seemed wary of his surroundings. Twilight smiled as he did the same as her, pointing a hoof to his brawny chest.

“Tarpan…” he grunted. Twilight looked back at her friends. They had gathered around behind her, looking just as cautious of the stallion as he was of them.

“Twilight,” whispered Rarity, “What do we do now?”

“I’m working on it,” the purple unicorn muttered through a grin. Very slowly she reached out for Tarpan’s hoof, which still had the rope wrapped around it. The stallion’s eyes narrowed as he backed away, murmuring something under his breath. Twilight paused and drew back, still giving the creature a smile. Tarpan raised the rope to his mouth and bit down on it with his teeth, sheering through it like a stalk of celery.

“That was mah good rope,” grumbled Applejack.

“Tarpan,” said Twilight, waving her hoof back towards the street, “Could you please follow us?” She knew he was unable to understand what she was saying, but hoped that he would at least get the gist of her gesticulations and tone. Tarpan seemed to comprehend what she meant, but seemed hesitant.

“Come on,” said Pinkie Pie, who somewhere in the chase had taken off her Canter Claus costume, “We got lotsa yummy food!” She paused as she rubbed her belly and licked her lips, “I bet you’re hungry!” As if by some subliminal messaging on Pinkie’s part, Tarpan’s stomach let out a thunderous growl.

“Yeah,” said Twilight, taking advantage of the situation, “If you’re hungry, I can make you something to eat.” The purple mare pantomimed eating a sandwich as she spoke.

But much to their dismay, Tarpan craned his neck down to the ground and began grazing. The six ponies frowned, as they had been taught as foals not to eat grass that grew wild. There wasn’t anything hazardous about it, it was just not considered proper etiquette, especially when eating it off of other pony’s property.

“Well, there goes that idea,” huffed Dash, “Got any more?”

“Just one,” sighed Twilight, sounding not at all enthused about it. “Meet me in the library within the next ten minutes. And please hurry, because I don’t know how he’s going to react to this.”

“Um…React to what?” whispered Fluttershy. Twilight answered her question with a bright flash of purple light. When it vanished, the unicorn, as well as the odd stallion, were nowhere to be seen.

Spike jumped out of his chair as a blinding flash of light appeared in the center of the kitchen. There stood Twilight, along with a bizarre-looking pony he’d never seen before. The stallion swiveled his head around, confused and frightened. Spike gave a questioning glance at Twilight, who immediately rushed over to his side. The dragon looked back and forth between the two equines.

“Uh…Twilight,” murmured the dragon as he raised an eyebrow, “Who’s that?” The purple mare smiled uneasily, pulling him aside.

“His name is Tarpan,” she whispered, “We have no idea what he is, or where he came from.” Spike was now more confused than he had been moments ago.

“Wait, we? Who’s we?” Twilight hushed him by putting a hoof to his mouth.

“Just wait a minute,” she said quickly, “You’ll find out.” She looked over her shoulder at Tarpan, who was still shaken from the teleportation. The unicorn was thankful that he hadn’t flown into a full-blown panic. However, her relief soon vanished when the stallion spotted Spike. Tarpan’s eyes became very wide, and a threatening sneer spread across his muzzle. Spike noticed this and was understandably nervous.

“Twilight,” he breathed, “I--” Before the dragon could finish, Tarpan charged across the room, knocking over the table and chairs as he went. Twilight barely had enough time to throw up a force field around her friend. Tarpan crashed into the glowing dome head on with such force that it made the whole kitchen rattle.

“What the heck?!” Spike cried as Tarpan collapsed to the floor in a heap, “He…I…What?!” The purple reptile stared in open mouthed shock at the now unconscious equine before turning to Twilight.

“I…don’t have any explanation for that…” Twilight said, unsure just how to react to the situation. Spike continued to stare at her, even when her friends came barging in with his not-so-secret crush in the lead.

“Twilight,” called Rarity, “You should have at least…oh my…” She raised a hoof to her mouth as she saw the unmoving form of Tarpan crumpled in front of Spike.

“Spike!” she gasped, sounding positively shocked, “Did you…?” The young dragon looked at her, back at Twilight, and finally, at Tarpan.

“… WOULD SOMEPONY TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON?!”

Daisy Sandwiches

“And then Twilight teleported back to the library,” said Rarity, “Though I do wish she would have given us better notice.” As she finished explaining their story to Spike, the unicorn looked over at Twilight. She had been listening just as intently as the dragon, silently analyzing every detail in an attempt to piece together the puzzle of Tarpan’s sudden appearance. The lavender mare looked over at the mysterious stallion, who had been laid on the couch.

“Well,” she finally said, “After going through the day’s events, I think I’m beginning to understand what happened.”

“So what’s yer analysis?” said Applejack, who had been keeping a wary eye on the sleeping creature.

“I think I know,” replied the purple unicorn as she stood up, “But I need to make sure of one thing first.” Twilight trotted over to one of the library’s many bookshelves and pulled out a particularly thick book, the spine of which bore the title ‘A Look At Equestria’s Prehistory’. Her friends crowded around her as she flipped through the pages before stopping at an illustration of a shaggy, powerfully muscled pony standing in a snowdrift. They all looked back at Tarpan as they realized how similar he and the pony looked.

“Everypony,” began Twilight, “This is a Neighanderthal. Scientifically, Equus Neighanderthalensis. Judging from his physique, I’d say it is likely that Tarpan is a member of this species.” They all silently agreed with a nod. There was no mistaking the strong resemblance Tarpan bore to the illustration.

“Okay, so we know what he is,” Rainbow Dash said impatiently, “But where did he come from?”

“I was getting to that,” continued the purple unicorn, “You see, Neighanderthals lived scattered across Equestria during the Paleolithic era, until they went extinct about twenty-five thousand years ago.”

“Ex-stinked?” echoed Pinkie, “Well, he does smell kinda funny.” Twilight sighed and shook her head.

“No, Pinkie, extinct means that they died out,” she explained, “There aren’t any more left today.” Fluttershy frowned, looking positively miserable.

“How awful…” she murmured, “Those poor things.”

“Well they obviously didn’t go extinct,” snorted Dash as she thrust a hoof back at Tarpan, “How else would he still be here?”

“The ice block,” Twilight said, “That’s the only explanation. He must have been frozen in there for millennia. Until now, that is.” Rainbow Dash let out a skeptical huff.

“That sounds ridiculous,” said the Pegasus, “How on earth could he survive that? He would have died of hypothermia or something.”

“Maybe he was dead,” suggested Pinkie Pie, “But the magic of our Hearth Warming’s party brought him back to life!” Twilight shrugged uncertainly.

“I have no idea how it worked myself,” she said sheepishly, “But I don’t think it matters anymore. What matters is helping him.” As if on cue, a groan sounded off from behind them. Their heads swiveled to look at Tarpan, who was rising from the couch with a groggy look on his face. His nostrils twitched, and he suddenly turned to look at Spike. The dragon immediately attached himself to Twilight’s side, latching on with trembling claws as the Neighanderthal leapt from the couch and growled aggressively.

“No!” Twilight shouted as she waved her forelegs over her head, “Tarpan! Stop!” The unicorn quickly grasped Spike in a hug, trying to make it as public as possible. “Spike is our friend!” Tarpan ceased his threatening stance and looked extremely confused. He pointed his hoof at Spike and rambled in his strange language, ending with a questioning sound.

“Come on, Spike,” Twilight muttered as she pulled the dragon toward the perplexed pony. Spike writhed uncomfortably as he was presented before the Neighanderthal. The stallion squinted as he leaned forward and sniffed the reptile with powerful nostrils.

“Twilight…” Spike breathed, clearly terrified of the relic. Tarpan drew back from the juvenile dragon and let out a grunt of bafflement. As Twilight had hoped, he no longer seemed threatened by Spike’s presence.

“Okay, he’s not killing Spike now,” said Dash as she raised an eyebrow at the Neighanderthal, “So now what?” Twilight looked at Tarpan thoughtfully. The stallion peered back at her and the others with understandable confusion.

“Well,” said Twilight, “I guess we could get some lunch now. Spike, do you want to help me make some sandwiches?”

“Sure,” said the dragon, eager to get away from the creature that was currently gazing at a globe in the middle of the room.

“Wait,” called Rarity, “What are we supposed to do?” She and the others glanced at the Neighanderthal nervously. He seemed rather passive at the moment, but given the shock and bewilderment he was experiencing they weren’t too sure if he would remain that way.

“Just keep an eye on him,” Twilight responded as she disappeared into the kitchen, “Let him look around, just don’t let him break anything.” Rarity and Applejack both turned to face Tarpan. He was gently turning the globe on its stand, feeling the ridges and bumps of the continents with his heavy hoof.

“Should we try talking to him?” the unicorn muttered out of the side of her mouth.

“Don’t see what good it’d do,” Applejack whispered back, “He can’t understand us, and we can’t understand him.” As they spoke, a nervous, trembling Fluttershy sidestepped her way towards the Neighanderthal. Though she found his brutish exterior to be very intimidating, she was also worried that he might think her impolite for not introducing herself. She froze in her advance as his ear turned towards her, followed by the rest of his head.

“Um…” she murmured in a barely audible whisper, “Um…Hello.” Tarpan raised a bushy eyebrow and cocked his head
to one side. Fluttershy hid behind her long mane, looking back at the stallion apprehensively.

“I-I’m Fluttershy,” mumbled the Pegasus, pointing to herself the way Twilight had done earlier. The cream-colored mare contorted her body in surprise as Tarpan lurched forward, touching the end his bristly nose to her own. He inhaled as he drew back, and then said something in his indiscernible language. Fluttershy was somewhat shaken by the action, but was afraid of offending the Neighanderthal by making a fuss about it.

“Hi there!” came the overly-enthusiastic voice of a certain pink mare, causing Fluttershy to jump. Both she and Tarpan looked to see Pinkie Pie trotting over. She stopped beside Fluttershy and gave him a keen smile.

“I’m Pinkie Pie!” she announced, “But my friends just call me Pinkie! I bet we’ll be great friends once I show you around a bit! I bet you’ll love Sugarcube Corner! We’ve got all kinds of yummy treats that you’ve probably never tasted before! Did they have donuts back in the Paleo-whatzit era?” Tarpan drew back from her with a flustered frown, his eyes wide in confusion. Dash quickly noticed this and rushed in beside her rambling friend to prevent an unwanted incident from occurring.

“Might want to keep it down a little bit,” she whispered, “We don’t want to freak him out.”

“Oh. Okay,” said Pinkie. She turned back to Tarpan with the same massive grin. “Hey, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile in the whole hour and a half we’ve known him.” Much to Dash’s dismay, the pink mare thrust her smiling face into Tarpan’s. “How about it? Can you smile?”

She pointed towards the gleaming crescent on her face. Tarpan let out a nervous snort, which in turn made everypony else in the room nervous. All except for the beaming Pinkie, who kept nudging a hoof toward her mouth. At last Tarpan seemed to halfway understand, and his lips slowly began to twitch and stretch. The resulting expression looked much more like a grimace, in which he exposed his gigantic, peg-like teeth. Though they were not at all rotten or crooked, they were covered in a thin layer of yellow plaque that made Rarity shudder. Pinkie’s own smile faded, becoming a mildly disappointed frown.

“We’ll work on it,” said the party-obsessed pony. Before she could do something that might’ve triggered a disaster, Rarity and Applejack stepped in. Tarpan’s forced smile vanished as he returned to the blank, curious expression he normally wore.

“Howdy,” said the farmer, “Name’s Applejack.” She instinctively extended a hoof out to the Neighanderthal, though moments later she realized the gesture would probably be lost on him. It was, as instead of shaking her hoof he stared at it with a furrowed brow. The earth pony gently set it back down, looking as sheepish as possible. She glanced over at Rarity, her green eyes silently asking for some kind of social assistance. The white unicorn obliged her and introduced herself to the relic.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Tarpan,” she said eloquently, “I am Rarity.” As he had with every other pony, Tarpan looked curiously at her, particularly at her horn. Rarity noticed this and smiled uncomfortably.

“Well, um…yes, that’s my horn. I am a unicorn. I understand that you might not be familiar with unicorns, seeing as you’ve probably never seen one before.”

“He might actually have,” rang Twilight as she and Spike returned with a tray of daisy sandwiches, “It depends on how old he is. Archeological evidence suggest that Neighanderthals probably had contact with Equus Sapiens at some point.” Spike rolled his eyes as she spoke.

“You’re just full of those, aren’t you?” he mumbled. Twilight must not have heard him, because she began passing out sandwiches via magic. Tarpan’s eyes widened as he saw the sandwiches float across the room toward the dinner guests, and he spouted off a series of words in a manner that made Twilight think he was swearing. He ended with a peculiar word that sounded like ‘Indrik’, which he put a special emphasis on. Everypony stared at him, backing away as if he might explode.

Twilight gently levitated the sandwich toward Tarpan. He stared at it, seemingly afraid. A bead of sweat rolled down Twilight’s forehead as she waited for him to react. Slowly, the Neighanderthal reached out with his foreleg and gently grasped the sandwich. Twilight let out a loud sigh as she released her magical hold on it. Tarpan hesitantly nibbled on the bread. He let out a noisy grunt of disgust, after which he spat it out. The relic grumbled to himself as he tore the two slices of bread away and shoved the daisies in his cavernous mouth. Everypony frowned simultaneously as they looked back at Twilight.

The unicorn frowned back. It was suddenly dawning on her that Tarpan would have to be taught how to act in an entirely new culture. He would need to learn everything, the language, the customs, and on top of that, find a place to live and work. And somepony would have to teach him.

The Princesses Pay A Visit

Celestia was sipping from her afternoon tea when a scroll suddenly landed in her lap. Guessing correctly that it was from her student, she unrolled the paper and began to read. Expecting a report on friendship, the alicorn was quite surprised to learn that Twilight had instead written to tell her that she and her friends had revived a prehistoric pony, and that they required her presence to determine what was to be done about it. The princess looked over at her sister, who had joined her for tea, but too busy to engage in conversation as she was trying to master a hoof-held gaming device.

“Luna,” Celestia said, “I’ve just received some amazing news.” Her indigo sister grunted in annoyance, as the statement distracted her and caused her character to fall into a pool of lava.

“Is it amazing enough that thou had to interrupt us whilst we play Death-Raider 2?” she grumbled.

“Something’s happened in Ponyville,” began the solar alicorn, only to be interrupted by her sister.

“Something’s always happening in Ponyville,” retorted Luna as she hit the restart button, “It seems that we can’t turn our backs without it being attacked by monsters or demolished by insects.” Celestia rolled her eyes and magicked the game out of her sister’s hooves. The lunar alicorn made a wild grab for the game, but her hooves fell upon empty air as Celestia teleported it to another part of the castle. Luna glared at her sister, pouting childishly.

“Thou are a cruel and merciless tyrant,” she growled, “We had yet to arrive at the fifth checkpoint.”

“Honestly, Luna, I wish I’d never even shown you these things” huffed Celestia, “They’re nothing but a distraction.” Luna sighed noisily and crossed her forelegs.

“Alright, alright. What is it?”

“They accidentally brought back a Neighanderthal,” said the solar princess, waiting for the look of amazement to show up on her sister’s face. When it failed to do so, Celestia sighed again. “You don’t know what a Neighanderthal is, do you?”

“We haven’t the foggiest,” replied Luna.

“It’s a prehistoric species of pony,” said Celestia, “They went extinct thousands of years ago. One, however, has recently been thawed out in Ponyville, and is alive.” Luna took on a look of puzzlement, cocking her head to one side.

“But why does this concern us?” she asked.

“Think about it, Luna,” Celestia said, “He’s been gone for far longer than you have. He’s the last of his kind, comes from a dead culture that we know nothing about, and only speaks a language that nopony understands.”

“Oh,” muttered Luna, “I see. So, what are we to do about it?”

“First we need to meet him and speak with Twilight and her friends. We’ll decide what needs to be done from there.” The alicorn magicked up a quill and paper to reply to her student.

Twilight nervously paced back and forth in her living room as she awaited the arrival of the princesses, breaking her strides as she looked over at Tarpan, who was opening and closing cabinets. Also watching him were the other five elements of Harmony, who made sure to keep him from getting into anything he wasn’t supposed to.

“So what do you think the Princesses are going to do?” asked Rarity. Twilight shrugged uncertainly in response.

“I’m not sure,” she said, “I know there were ponies who taught Luna about modern Equestria, but she was only gone for a thousand years.”

“So he was gone for a few more millennia,” said Dash, “What difference does that make?”

“Luna’s world only changed,” replied the unicorn, “Tarpan’s is gone entirely.” The cyan Pegasus became quiet as she processed this thought, and looked over at the placid relic with a trace of nervousness.

“He’s gonna be ticked when he figures that out,” she mumbled.

“Well, maybe he’ll like modern Equestria,” suggested Pinkie, “I mean, we got all kinds of new shiny things that he’s never seen before! And there aren’t as many scary critters running around like in the Paleo-whatzit era.”

“Thank goodness for that,” said Rarity, her eyes transfixed on an illustration of a monstrous draconic creature in Twilight’s copy of ‘A Look At Equestria’s Prehistory’, “I can’t imagine how ponies survived with such horrid beasts roaming about.” Spike, who as usual sat near Rarity whenever she was around, had to disagree with her opinion.

“I kind of think it looks awesome,” he said with ancestral pride, “Hey Twilight, do you think I’m related to this guy?” The dragon turned the book to his purple friend. She examined the picture for a moment before looking at Spike with sly amusement.

“I don’t think you’d want to be,” she replied, “That’s a Draconasaurus Rex. They ate other dragons.” Spike looked back at the picture, his eyes now wide and fearful.

“Oh,” was all he was able to say. Before anything else could happen, there was a knock at the door. Twilight dashed over and magicked it open, revealing the two regal alicorns.

“Good afternoon, Twilight,” Celestia said with a smile. Her student smiled back, stepping aside to let them in.

“Good afternoon,” replied the purple mare, “Thank you for coming. I’m sorry to bother you, it’s just that this situation seemed kind of important.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” said the solar alicorn, “It was actually kind of slow today in Canterlot, and Luna and I weren’t doing anything important.”

“We were,” quipped Luna, clearly still miffed about the confiscation of her game, “Until our sister so rudely interrupted us.” Twilight looked questioningly at her mentor, who responded by silently pantomiming the movements of a pony using a handheld gaming device. Twilight smiled understandingly, as she knew all too well of the indigo alicorn’s fascination with them.

“So then, where is ‘Tarpan’?” Celestia asked as she looked around the library. She quickly spotted him, as it would be hard to miss a distinctly shaggy stallion digging around in the cabinets. He suddenly lifted his massive head to look back at the princesses, his eyes growing wide as he noticed their graceful forms and shining regalia. Twilight trotted over to the relic and introduced them.

“Tarpan,” she began, pointing her hoof at the solar alicorn, “This is Princess Celestia.” She then pointed at the princess of the night. “And this is Princess Luna.” From the look on his face, it was clear that Tarpan understood them both to be of great importance. He approached them with an air of heavy respect, bowing his head as he neared. The Neighanderthal spoke to them in his language, saying something that sounded like a greeting.

“Um…Good afternoon,” said Celestia, somewhat unsure of how to address the strange stallion. Seconds after she had spoken, Luna stepped beside her and made an attempt.

“We welcome thee to our kingdom,” she announced, “And hope thou finds it pleasant.” She paused as she shot a look at her sister. “Unless of course, thou wishes to play Death-Raider 2. Then thou shall have a horrible time here.” Celestia glared flatly at her sister.

“What?” Luna shrugged, “’Tis a jest. Thou said he can’t understand our words anyway.” Celestia sighed and turned back to Tarpan.

“You’ll have to forgive my sister,” she said, “Sometimes she can be a petty and small-minded brat.”

“Hey!” the indigo alicorn cried indignantly, “We said it was a jest!” Tarpan stood blankly, his eyes swiveling to Twilight as if asking for some kind of explanation. The purple mare grinned sheepishly as she was unable to provide one.

“This isn’t a time for jests, Luna,” Celestia said, her voice serious and calm, “This fellow needs help. Please try and remember what it was like when you returned.” Luna’s eyes suddenly widened as she realized the depth of the situation. She also recalled the terror she’d felt when she encountered a flushing toilet for the first time.

“We…understand,” gulped the alicorn, the roar of the porcelain machine echoing in her mind, “We shall try and be more serious.”

“Thank you for cooperating,” the solar Alicorn said as she turned to the elements of Harmony, “Now then, let’s find the best course of action. Do any of you have ideas?” There was a short silence as the six ponies thought. Finally, Rainbow Dash raised her hoof.

“Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

“I was wondering earlier about how Luna got taught about living in modern times by some ponies,” said the Pegasus, “I mean, couldn’t they teach him?” Both Celestia and Luna thought about this option, but before they could give their input, Twilight spoke up.

“I don’t think we should rush into something like that,” she said, “Canterlot might be too much for him. Besides, he needs to learn more than just customary things.”

“Twilight is right,” said Celestia, “Chances are he needs to learn about how society works.”

“But first he should probably learn our language,” suggested Luna, “If we are to teach him, he must know what we are saying.”

“Don’t ya’ll have a spell fer that?” asked Applejack, “Some kinda communicatin’ magic or somethin’?” Twilight smiled, looking a little embarrassed.

“Well, actually yes,” she said, “But I’m a little reluctant to use it. Do you all remember the spell that gave Rarity wings?”

“The really, really super-duper hard one?” replied Pinkie Pie. Twilight nodded.

“It’s about ten times harder than that one,” she said, “Learning an entire language isn’t easy, even with magic.”

“Um, I have an idea…” Everypony looked over at Fluttershy, who had been silent the entire time.

“Would you please share it with us?” asked Luna, trying her best not to frighten the timid Pegasus.

“Oh, of course,” Fluttershy said, “I was just thinking, um, that maybe we could teach him how to live in Ponyville. I mean, if that’s okay with everyone else. I wouldn’t want it to be too much trouble because I know everypony has to work. But Twilight has a lot of books here in the library, and maybe we could borrow some and teach Tarpan with them.” Celestia smiled as the Pegasus grew quiet.

“That is a good idea,” she said, “A very good idea.” She turned to the others, who seemed to be mulling it over. “What do all think?”

“Well shoot, it won’t be a problem,” Applejack said with a smile, “I’m up fer it if everypony else is.”

“So am I,” said Dash, sounding eager as ever, “Challenge accepted!”

“Me too!” cried Pinkie as she jumped up and down, “Oh, this is going to be so exciting! I hope I get to teach him calculus!” It was quite evident by then that everypony wanted to help educate Tarpan on the ways of life. Fluttershy smiled, clearly delighted that her friends believed in her idea.

“Oh, thank you so much,” she said, “That’s really nice of you.” Celestia and Luna beamed at the six of them, proud as could be.

“Then it’s settled,” said Celestia, “Tarpan shall learn the ways of Equestria from the six of you.”

“There’s just one problem with that,” Spike said, his voice wavering with nervousness, “Tarpan’s gone!” Everypony turned to see that the Neighanderthal had indeed vanished from the room. Twilight’s eyes grew wide as she spotted the door, which she had left open after letting the princesses in.

Fight In The Everfree

Tarpan quickly trotted through the clearing towards the forest. He knew that he shouldn’t of left as he did, but he needed to be alone. He needed to think, to clear his head of the confusions that had bombarded him the very moment he had woken up in the middle of the strange pony settlement. Everything was different about this place, so much so that he thought he was in a different land altogether. The most noticeable difference was the heat. Tarpan had never recalled it being this warm, even in the summer months. He began to sweat beneath his thick fur, making him uncomfortable. This strengthened his resolve to get to the trees. He could rest beneath the shade, and contemplate his dilemma there.

The Neighanderthal had almost made it to the forest when a feminine voice rang out, saying something in the language he didn’t understand. He froze, then swung his angular head from side to side to look for its source. It called out again. Tarpan’s ears perked up as he heard the direction it had come from. He glanced upward to see a gray mare with a blond mane hovering above him, beating feathery wings. Tarpan raised a thick eyebrow as he noticed her yellow eyes, which did not seem to correctly match up. One of them looked down at the Neighanderthal.

The mare spoke again in her bubbly voice, her mouth in an innocent smile. Her words made no sense to Tarpan, but from her demeanor he took her to be greeting him. He bid her hello in his language, though he had little hope of her understanding him. Predictably, she did not. Tarpan sighed, and wiped a powerful hoof across his brow. The mare in the sky descended to the ground in front of him, and continued to talk. Tarpan suddenly heard a masculine voice cry out.

Both he and the mare turned to see a brown pony with a spiky mane running up to them. He seemed to be yelling something at the wall-eyed mare. He didn’t look angry, but seemed rather concerned, especially when he stopped in front of Tarpan. He cast a worried look at the winged equine, saying something in a very low, nervous tone. For a moment the mare just stared blankly at him. But slowly, Tarpan noticed that she too began to look worried. At that moment the stallion turned to the relic.

“I’m very sorry about all this,” he said in perfect Neighanderthal, “But, um, your being here seems to indicate that I made some kind of mistake. Be right back.” Tarpan’s jaw dropped as the stallion and the mare both took off sprinting. Before he could even think to chase after them, they had already jumped inside of a blue box at the edge of the meadow. Tarpan watched in awe as it began to fade, letting out a harsh grinding noise as it disappeared into thin air. He stood very still for a moment, trying to figure out what had happened. When he couldn’t, he decided to forget the whole thing and continued on to the forest.

Twilight raced through the streets of Ponyville, followed by both the Elements and the Princesses. The town’s inhabitants turned their heads as the eight ponies fled by, feeling somewhat strange to see Equestrian royalty running down the roads of their humble home.

“Where are we going, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash said as she flew above the unicorn.

“I don’t know yet,” replied the purple mare. She was currently wracking her brain in an attempt to figure out where a Neighanderthal would go if he was in Tarpan’s situation. Very little was known about their behavior in general, as they had been extinct for some twenty-five thousand years. Just as she was trying to remember an article she’d read on an archaeological dig, it suddenly occurred to Twilight that Tarpan might have been overwhelmed by the afternoon’s events. He would probably seek out somewhere he could collect himself, somewhere where he wouldn’t be bothered by anypony. Twilight could only think of one place in the area that would appeal to him. Unfortunately, this area was both quiet and devoid of ponies because it was incredibly dangerous.

“To the Everfree forest!” she cried.

Tarpan tread between the tree trunks, his mind engulfed in thought. So far he had figured out that he had somehow ended up in a gigantic tribe from the Southlands. He had absolutely no idea how they could sustain themselves in such large numbers, but they seemed to be full and thriving. Ponies from the Southlands always seemed to be doing better than his kind, but never as well as this. They must have been from somewhere else entirely. For one thing they seemed to be speaking an entirely different language. They also had the strangest chieftains Tarpan had ever seen.

A sudden noise made the Neighanderthal freeze in his tracks. It was a noise that could not have been heard by anypony else but him. Not only did he have the acute senses required to hear such a noise, he also knew what to listen for. Tarpan quietly inhaled, taking in a sample of the air. Once it hit his olfactory organs, it confirmed that he had indeed heard something. He continued to stand still, not moving a muscle. He could hear the something walking, padding across the forest floor with a stealth he respected and feared. Tarpan could tell by its movement that it did not know he was there. If he remained still, perhaps it would pass him by.

The Neighanderthal’s eyes went wide with horror as he heard a group of ponies loudly trampling into the forest a ways behind him.

“Come on,” said Twilight, “He couldn’t have gone--” She was suddenly cut off by a thunderous roar. The mare’s eyes turned into pinpricks as she spotted its source, which appeared before her in the form of a large and decidedly hungry feline.

“LYBBARDE!” screeched the unicorn as she leapt six feet up in the air. Her cry was followed by a procession of screams emanating from her accomplices. Even the Princesses were terrified by the monstrous cat, its tensed muscles showing beneath its black fur. A bristly tongue ran flickered between two huge saber teeth as it hungrily licked its chops, eyeing up its prey with two pale-green eyes.

“Everypony stand back!” Princess Celestia commanded as she was joined by her sister. The six ponies huddled behind the alicorns as their horns glowed with a magnificent light. The Lybbarde sneered angrily, unsheathing its claws. Before it could attack, a beam of the Alicorn’s combined magic flew through the air towards the snarling predator.

However, upon impacting the creature, the beam of magic burst into little bits of light, falling from the creature’s frightening form like bits of broken glass. The two sisters looked upon this unexpected feat with horrified awe. Out of all the ponies present, it was only Twilight who knew the terrible secret of the Lybbarde’s survival. They were ancient creatures, dating back to Tarpan’s time. Though thankfully scarce, they were one of a small number of Equestrian species that possessed an ability that terrified unicorns everywhere: They were immune to magic. When this became apparent to everypony else, there was only one other card to play.

“Do something, Fluttershy!” cried Rarity as the unicorn hid behind the cream-colored Pegasus. Fluttershy turned to see everypony looking at her. The pink-haired mare gulped and apprehensively trotted forward towards the salivating monster.

“Uh-um, hello Mr. Lybbarde,” she squeaked, “I-I was just…um…” She was cut off as the Lybbarde let out a series of terrifying snarls. She turned back to her friends and relayed the feline’s message.

“He says he’d like us to join him for dinner--AH!” She suddenly cried out as Dash flew forward and pulled her out of the way, narrowly missing the Lybbarde’s slashing claws. The very same moment, an unkempt pony came charging out of the undergrowth. The Lybbarde turned just in time to see it ram into its side, knocking it from its paws. The eight ponies flinched as it sprang back up, letting out a furious roar as it faced its attacker. The pony retaliated by letting out a bellow of his own. The Lybbarde snapped its jaws and swiped its paw at the equine.

Twilight watched openmouthed as Tarpan once again charged at what was considered one of the most dangerous creatures in all Equestria. Moments before he impacted, the Neighanderthal leapt into the air, landing awkwardly on the feline’s back. The sudden weight of the equine threw the monster off balance, and the Lybbarde tipped over on its side. The onlookers then watched as the two combatants proceeded to roll about on the ground, kicking up patches of earth as they fought. Though it was considered insanity to even consider engaging a Lybbarde in hoof to hoof combat, they would later state that Tarpan made it look relatively easy.

The short but furious battle was finally ended when Tarpan grabbed the animal in a headlock and shoved it downwards, stabbing the Lybbarde’s saber teeth into the earth. Though it could have easily drawn them back out, it was far too tired to continue the fight. So was Tarpan, apparently, as he suddenly passed out next to the creature. Very quickly and quietly, the eight mares crept up besides the exhausted Lybbarde, picked up their unconscious savior, and fled like mad out of the Everfree.

Lost in Translation

Tarpan awoke, and became aware of a chill in the air around him. Being partial to glacial temperatures, he found this pleasant. Slowly he opened his eyes, and found himself being watched by eight anxious mares. The apprehensive look on their faces faded somewhat as he looked into them. They began to talk quietly among each other in the language Tarpan didn’t know. He ignored it and instead focused on another noise he was hearing, which sounded like the rapid beats of an insect’s wings. His ears and eyes searched for its source, and he soon found it. The Neighanderthal found himself to be surrounded by strange objects, each one bearing a spinning part that produced a cool breeze. Tarpan was at the center of this arrangement, laying on one of the sitting-beds that he had been laid on earlier.

He looked around some more, and realized he was no longer in the forest. Memories of fighting the Horn-Teeth returned, though they were somewhat hazy due to feverous state he had been in at the time. Tarpan was feeling better now, as he was no longer in the unbearable heat that the Southern Folk were used to. The Neighanderthal watched as three of the mares separated themselves from the group. The one who called herself Twilight Sparkle and the two chieftains huddled together and spoke in whispers. From their hushed tone and the way they kept glancing back at him, Tarpan decided he must have been the object of their conversation.

His eyes widened as the three of their horns began to glow. They grew even wider as they moved toward him. Tarpan did not see malice on their faces, but it frightened him all the same when they pointed their horns at his forehead. The Neighanderthal voiced his displeasure, and for a moment they drew away. Then he heard the soft, gentle voice of the cream colored mare. He looked over to see her smiling warmly at him. Tarpan did not know why, but the sound of her speech projected a sense of security, as if she were a mother speaking to her child. She seemed to be assuring him that they meant no harm. Though he still felt it unwise to do so, the Neighanderthal laid back against the sitting-bed and allowed the mares to touch their horns to his forehead.

Tarpan’s view suddenly consisted of nothing but a hazy purple light that seemed to rush along the surface of his eyeballs like a waterfall. That was the only part of the experience he would ever comprehend clearly. The parts that came afterward made him feel like he had eaten some of the idiocy-inducing plants that grew on the other side of the mountain.

Twilight bit her lip as she waited for the spell to come into effect. She hoped that there was nothing in Tarpan’s biology that would cause his body to react badly to the spell. So far nothing indicated her concerns to be true, though Tarpan held his head groggily in his hooves as he began to sit up. Everypony backed away from the couch to give him room, sidestepping between the fans that circled the relic. Slowly, Tarpan looked up and around. Twilight stepped toward him, eager to see if it had worked.

“…Tarpan,” she breathed, breaking the heavy silence, “Can you understand me?” Tarpan’s gray eyes grew very wide, and his mouth fell open in shock. Everypony leaned in closer, waiting for the Neighanderthal to reply.

“Y-…yes…” he finally said. A relieved smile spread across Twilight’s face. The unicorn confidently trotted over and sat down beside him as the rest of her friends gathered around the couch.

“Tarpan,” said the lavender mare, slowly and carefully as if speaking to a child, “We used our magic so that we can understand each other. It’s called a spell.”

“Tha…Thankgh…Y-euww…” Tarpan’s mouth twisted oddly as he attempted to reply, as if he were speaking with great difficulty. Twilight’s relief gave way to concern. She looked back at everypony else with a nervous frown.

“Tarpan,” she asked quietly, “Are you okay? Does something feel wrong?” Tarpan frowned and looked away for a moment.

“-t’s…it’s…hard to Tawhlk…” He paused and grimaced as his throat and mouth moved awkwardly with effort, “Hard to Speghk…Th-…Hard to Tawhlk words…” Twilight’s eyes suddenly became wide, as if she were remembering something of great importance.

“Oh no…” she breathed as she put her head in her hooves.

“Twilight, what’s wrong with him?” asked the confounded Applejack, “Why can’t he talk?”

“He can’t speak our language…” muttered Twilight, her words muffled by her hooves. This drew a questioning look from her friends.

“But the spell,” cried Luna, “Was it not but a farce?”

“The spell worked,” Twilight moaned from her hooves, “He knows our language. But he can’t speak it.” She rose up from her miserable slouch and sighed, taking in a deep breath to steady herself before turning to Tarpan. Everypony grew quiet as they sensed an imminent explanation from the studious mare.

“Some archeologists think Neighanderthals had a different way of speaking than we do,” she sighed dejectedly, “There were a small number of anatomical differences found in the vocal tract.” She paused for a moment. “I think he’s physically incapable of coherently speaking our language.” Twilight looked over at Tarpan. From the unhappy look on his face, it was clear he understood.

“Well, he can still understand us, right?” said Dash, trying to make light of the situation, “That’s a start.” The cloud of seriousness that had been hovering over them seemed to have been lifted as they realized the truth in the Pegasus’s words.

“She’s right,” said Celestia, “He can understand us now.” She moved over to the Neighanderthal, smiling warmly. “Now that you know what we’re saying, I want to personally thank you for saving us from the Lybbarde. My sister and I, as well as our friends, are grateful.” A smile appeared on Tarpan’s face; the first smile he’d shown all day. Pinkie suddenly let out a shriek of joy.

“He can smile!” cried the happy pink mare as she began to bounce around the couch, “Do you know what this calls for?” Twilight frowned.

“Uh, Pinkie,” she said, “I don’t think he’s ready--”

“A party!” Pinkie said in sing-song, “And not just any party! A ceremonial Saving-Us-From-A-Lybbarde-And-Learning-A-New-Language-Party! To the Party Cave!” The baker suddenly raced out of Fluttershy’s cottage, leaving everypony silently staring after her. Tarpan glanced over at Twilight and pointed a hoof out the door in the ecstatic mare’s direction.

“…Crazy?…”

Pinkie Attempts To Throw A Rave

Tarpan thought about his predicament as he was led back through the settlement. With the use of their magic, Twilight and the Chieftains had given a whole new language to him. Granted, he was unable to speak it, but it would be a boon to finally understand what they were saying. Already he was listening in on his guides as they spoke to one another. Though he knew what they were saying, he didn’t exactly know what they were talking about. There were a great number of words that weren’t defined to him. The white one--Rarity, as she had called herself--spoke of things like dresses and earrings, as well as perfume and wardrobes. Tarpan had no idea what these things were.

But he had little time to ponder them, as he was now striding down the streets of the settlement. The Neighanderthal gazed at everything with wonder, his gray eyes taking in the quaintness of the town with much curiosity. In turn, the ponies that lived in the town looked at him oddly. Tarpan was well aware of this, as the Southern Folk had always found his appearance unusual. The feeling was entirely mutual.

“This place is called Ponyville.” Tarpan looked over to Twilight, who was noticing his examination of the houses and their owners. Tarpan nodded, as he had been recently taught to do when expressing agreement or showing that he understood. He suddenly caught sight of the curious place he had examined only hours earlier. Standing near its door were the two mares who had screamed at him; one, a mint-green unicorn, the other an earth pony with a pink and blue mane.

“Hey, look Bons!” called the unicorn as she pointed a hoof towards the Neighanderthal, “It’s the Big-Hoof! And he’s with the Princesses! Hey, maybe he’s like the King of the Big-Hoofs negotiating for his people!” Tarpan watched as the earth pony hid her face with a hoof. The unicorn stood up on her hind-legs and called out wildly.

“Rock on, King Big-Hoof Dude!” Tarpan was unsure as to how to respond to his. He turned to Twilight, who grinned sheepishly.

“It’s a little different here,” she said. Tarpan nodded.

Shortly afterwards they arrived at Surgarcube Corners, which had been completely de-Hearth-Warming-fied. It was a mystery to everypony as to how Pinkie managed to strip it of its decorations so quickly, but they weren’t about to question it as Pinkie was herself a mystery. The mare currently stood in front of the store with a variety of party items scattered about her person, the most prominent of which was a party-hat so tall that Twilight had to wonder how she could get through the doorway.

“Hey everypony!” the pink mare cried, “You’re here! Come on in, the party’s just about to start!” She suddenly disappeared into the bakery, her hat telescoping downward as she ran through the doorway. As she always did, Pinkie acted in such an unusual manner that it compelled the others to go along with her suggestions out of curiosity.

“Pinkie, what’s going on?” Rainbow Dash muttered as she and everypony else entered the bakery, which had become very dark due to all the windows being taped over with black paper. The only source of light came from a variety of glow-sticks that were held in the hooves of a dozen ponies that nopony present had ever seen before. Rarity thought she recognized one; a grey mare with long black hair who stood apart from the glow-stick ponies.

“Pray tell, sister,” Luna whispered to her elder sibling, “What kind of madness does the element of Laughter suffer from?” Celestia looked to Pinkie, who was bouncing about the lightless atmosphere without a single care.

“I’m not certain,” answered the solar alicorn, “But I don’t think she’s suffering.” The princess then noticed the grouping of gigantic speakers clustered in the corner surrounding a turntable, at which a white unicorn with a spiky blue mane sat sipping from a vividly green energy drink.

“Do you like it?!” Pinkie Pie blurted, simultaneously in everypony’s face, “You won’t believe the luck I had coming back here! I ran into my BFF Vinyl, and told her about the Saving-Us-From-A-Lybbarde-And-Learning-A-New-Language-Party! She thought it was totally awesome, and taught me about a new kind of party! It’s called a RAVE! She even said she’d help out with the music, and brought along her groupies to help set up! So what do you think? Do ya like it?! Huh?! Huh?!”

For a moment everypony remained silent.

“That’s…really nice, Pinkie,” Twilight said at last, “But I’m not sure if a rave is the best kind of party to throw Tarpan. I mean, he might find it a little strange…” Truthfully, there wasn’t a pony in Twilight’s group who didn’t think that raves were a little strange. Rainbow Dash felt that she might give them a chance if she figured out how to properly twirl some glow-sticks, but she too thought they were weird.

“Hey, Pinks!” called the white unicorn, “Are we gonna start this party or what?”

“Well of course we’re going to start the party!” Pinkie replied before turning back to the Elements, “C’mon guys, just give it a chance! I’ve been to one before, and they’re really fun!” Twilight looked hesitant.

“Well, I guess maybe we could--”

“HIT IT!”

Every inch of the bakery began to rhythmically shudder as Vinyl played one of her countless Dubstep Remixes.

Tarpan covered his ears as the world was suddenly filled with the most horrible, most tortuous sound he had ever known. The Neighanderthal grimaced in agony as he was bombarded by wave after wave of the mindless screeching. Never in his life had he heard such a terrible noise. The closest thing he could compare it to was the dying scream of a shriek-tooth being impaled, except that it never ended. Tarpan concluded that the source of the noise was either an animal in exceptional pain, or a predator far fiercer than anything he had ever encountered. Either way, he decided right then and there to end it. The Neighanderthal turned towards the great black boxes that emitted the noise and charged.

Twilight suddenly saw ponies flying through the air as a large shape plowed through them. She wasn’t able to think much of it as the blasting beat of the Dubstep was turning her brain into soup, but was vaguely aware of somepony screaming, and a series of large crashes. It was only after the largest of these crashes that her perception became clear again. The mare saw Tarpan breathing deeply amid a pile of demolished speakers and crackling wires. The DJ was angrily berating him, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“What the buck?!” screeched Vinyl, “Look what he did to my rig!” Pinkie suddenly appeared by her side and surveyed the damage, putting a thoughtful hoof to her chin. The speakers had been torn in half and pounded flat into the floor, while the turntable had been subjected to a kick so powerful that it shattered into pieces. In other words, Vinyl’s equipment had been totally and utterly destroyed.

“I guess he doesn’t like dubstep,” concluded Pinkie as she flipped on the lights.

“Who’s going to pay for this?!” ranted Vinyl, “That was entirely custom made!” She grabbed Tarpan by the neck and began to throttle him.

“You son of a nag! I’m going to sue you for every last…” Behind her purple shades, the unicorn’s eyes grew wide as her mouth fell open. She released the relic and jumped backwards.

“Buck!” she cried, “What the Tartarus?” This was the first instance that Vinyl looked upon Tarpan with clarity, as her vision was always somewhat obscured because she wore her sunglasses in the dark.

“Oh, that’s Tarpan!” said Pinkie, taking a seat next to the jittery DJ. Vinyl looked at the baker.

“You never told me he was a…a cave-pony thing!” sputtered the unicorn. Pinkie frowned, though only a little.

“I guess I should have been a little more specific when I said ‘old school’.”

“Old school?” cried Vinyl, “Pinks, cave-pony’s not old school. That’s the school they tore down to build the old school!”

While the two party animals were debating what was and what wasn’t old school, Twilight trotted over to Tarpan. She was trying to think of a way to convince Tarpan that what he had heard was a new kind of music and not a method of torture.

“Tarpan,” she said quietly, “Are you okay?” The Neighanderthal nodded, though he still appeared flustered by the whole situation.

“Do you want to go…?” Twilight was about suggest that they go home for the day, when she suddenly realized that Tarpan did not have a home. The mare turned and hid a nervous frown from the relic. Though it had been established that he would stay in the library’s guest room, the mentioning of ‘home’ might bring up memories of his life in the Paleozoic, which he could never return to. Twilight did not yet want to bring this up because she did not know how to tell him.

Her troubles were suddenly broken by Pinkie’s voice, which had an element of concern in it. Ponies typically paid attention to Pinkie when she was concerned, because she rarely was.

“Hey guys!” she said with a frown, “We don’t have music. We need music if we want the party to keep going!”

“Ah don’t think so, sugarcube,” Applejack said, “Ah’m pretty sure this party’s over.” Pinkie suddenly leapt in the air and gasped, something she did when she was surprised or distressed.

“Over?” she cried, “It can’t be over! It never even started!”

“Pinkie,” Celestia began softly, “As well intentioned as you may be, I think it’s best that Tarpan is allowed some time to rest now.” Though most ponies would have thought the monarch’s advice wise, Pinkie would have none of it. She began to pant heavily, and she rushed about the room opening cabinets and drawers.

“Music!” she shouted wildly, “We need music! Where did I stash my emergency supply of party music?!” Everypony in the room stared at the desperate mare sadly. They all knew of her addiction to partying, an addiction that refused to be cured. However, just as Twilight was about to administer a speech that she hoped would calm the party enthusiast down, the grey mare in the corner spoke up.

“Excuse me,” she said in a very sophisticated voice, “But I believe I may be of assistance.” A loud groan sounded off from Vinyl.

“Aw horse-apples,” muttered the sulky DJ, “Not that garbage.” The black-maned earth pony turned and shot her a look.

“I’m tired of you calling it that,” she said sternly, “And if you continue to do so, I’ll have no choice but to charge you with contempt for an officer.” Vinyl’s grudging sneer became a fearful grimace.

“You wouldn’t,” she said, her voice cracking.

“I would,” smirked the earth pony as she raised an eyebrow. The white unicorn sighed exasperatedly, but became quiet. Rarity, however, began to talk. She trotted over to the violet-eyed mare, her face donning a look of recognition.

“I remember you,” she said, “You’re first-chair cellist for the Canterlot Symphony. Octavia, wasn’t it?” The violet-eyed mare nodded.

“Precisely,” she confirmed.

“Cellist?” cried Pinkie Pie, sounding very relieved, “That’s wonderful! I didn’t know a parole officer could be a cellist! Could you play for our party? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top? Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeee---”

“I apologize, but I don’t have my instrument with me,” replied Octavia as she trotted back to the corner and retrieved a small phonograph, “I did, however, bring this.” The earth pony set it on a table and opened a drawer in the bottom of the machine, revealing several records. The mare pulled one out and placed it on the turntable. Moments later, a beautiful waltz began to fill the room. It was strong and loud, but at the same time held a graceful, almost dream-like quality to it. It was so powerful that everypony present became silent.

Twilight looked over at Tarpan, eager to see his reaction to some of the best music she’d ever heard. Upon seeing the Neighanderthal’s face, her mouth dropped open. The look he held was one of absolute astonishment, holding actual emotion as opposed to the usual stony indifference. The purple mare couldn’t imagine what he was experiencing, as he was hearing something unlike anything he’d ever heard before.

Tarpan didn’t know what to think. He was hearing something…beautiful. It was a song, for songs were not unknown to his kind. But it was a song that was not made by voices. He didn’t know what made such wondrous sounds. To him it were as though he were listening to a song sung by a sunrise or the clouds, something magnificent that never made any noise. It was so different from the sounds of the natural world, yet seemed to capture the same elements. Even in his own language, Tarpan doubted he would have been able to accurately describe the music, or its beauty. He closed his eyes as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

A Change of Pace

Twilight quietly peeked into the guestroom to gaze upon its lone occupant, as she had done once every hour since they had arrived back from Sugar Cube Corners. Music poured out of the crack of the doorway, emanating from the small phonograph she had dug out of the closet. Tarpan sat in the middle of the room listening to the works of some of Equestria’s greatest composers, staring diligently at the device as it played. His expressions changed as the music did, as if he were watching a story woven by the notes. The lavender mare watched, just as fascinated with him as he was with the music. She quietly began to scribble her thoughts down on her notepad, recording the name of the music, Tarpan’s reaction, and her own analysis. She was so engrossed in her study that she failed to notice Spike come up behind her, his eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“…Twilight,” he whispered, “What are you doing?” His eyes suddenly widened as Twilight tensed up in surprise. The dragon jumped to the floor just as she bucked her hind-legs in the air. She whirled around, shooting the reptile an annoyed glare.

“Spike!” she hissed, “How many times have I told you to never sneak up on me?”

“Apparently not enough,” Spike grumbled as he rose to his feet. He noticed the notepad and pencil nearby, and shot Twilight a wry look. The unicorn’s irritation melted into sheepishness.

“Really?” Spike said as he crossed his arms, “You’re studying him already?”

“Well…” replied the equine as she shifted uncomfortably, looking away. The dragon sighed and put a claw to his forehead.

“Twilight,” he groaned, “I thought we went over this. It’s not polite to study the guests. It creeps them out.”

“I know…” came the guilty reply, “It’s just, well, this is such a huge opportunity. Nopony has ever had the chance to study a live Neighanderthal before, and, well I…” Spike sighed and put his arm around her shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” he said as he began to lead her away from the guestroom, “You’ll learn more about him tomorrow. Just give him some privacy for now.”

********

For such a busy, bustling town during the day, Ponyville was surprisingly quiet at night. Not a single light shone from a window. The normally crowded town square was empty, the vendor’s stalls bare and silent. The bright, silvery moon overhead cast still shadows about the cobblestone streets, faintly reflecting off of the large, clear glass of the store windows that ran up and down the block.

A new shadow suddenly appeared. It was formed the moment the door of the library slowly opened, creating a warped, rectangular visage against the doorstep. From the darkness within Twilight’s home, a big, blockish shape emerged out into the moonlight, creeping along on thick, sturdy hooves. They padded out onto the doorstep, making little noise as they shuffled back around to face the library. The shadow of the door slowly eased back into the doorway, shutting with a faint click.

A low sigh of relief broke the silence of the night as Tarpan turned back to face the empty street. The stallion looked up at the moon. It was still high in the sky, telling him that the night was still far from over. He had plenty of time to explore the settlement and its surroundings. Tarpan’s blunt muzzle swung left and right as he peered down the street. His gray eyes finally found something of interest in the market square. The Neighanderthal started for the empty stalls.

The air was cool, something Tarpan greatly appreciated after experiencing the heat of the day. He looked into each of the stalls as he passed them by. It had been only hours ago that each one had been filled with yammering southland ponies who gave out food for bits of shiny, yellow rocks. The Neighanderthal shook his head at the memory. Only a fool would trade food for rocks. Granted, Tarpan noticed had that the ponies handing it out seemed to have more than enough, but even then, it was strange to think that they would willingly give it away.

The stallion kept wandering, peeking in and around the makeshift counters and flimsy, ply-board stands. The sweet scents of various fruits still lingered. There was one in particular that drew his attention. It was exotic and powerful, leaving a spicy aroma in his nostrils. He drew in deep breaths as he followed it through the maze of the marketplace, until he found its source. A small box that lay on its side, knocked from a table just after closing time. Tarpan stuck his head inside, his nostrils sucking up a fragrance that was unknown to him. It was strong and tangy, but was altogether pleasant, like a fruit or a berry.

Tarpan withdrew his muzzle from the box just in time to notice a shadow pass overhead. The stallion glanced up, his eyes zeroing in on a dark shape as it fluttered around the corner. For a moment he stood still, staring at where it had vanished. His eyes narrowed as he caught another strange scent in the air. It was musty, almost toxic, seeming to sting his nostrils. The closest Tarpan could compare it to was the musk of a stinkbug.

The Neighanderthal quietly crept forth out of the marketplace, trailing after the smell. It seemed the only sound to be heard was the soft clomp of his hooves as they fell against stone. All the same, he kept his ears up and alert as he pressed his body against the wall of the post office, sliding along until he came to the corner. He peeked over its edge, his cheek brushing against the brick. The stallion’s gray eyes widened at what he saw.

A shadow was hovering in the middle of the street, halfway between the ground and the rooftops. It gently bobbed up and down, occasionally drifting from side to side. Two glistening, ragged wings kept it aloft, perpetually beating with uncanny speed. Tarpan likened them to the wings of an insect, but the thought created a brief moment of dissonance within his mind. The form they were attached to was not an insect, but a pony. Or at least, from his vantage point, it appeared as a pony. The Neighanderthal continued to watch the shadow as it began inching toward a pony dwelling, a wary frown spreading across his face.

***********

Closer. Just a little closer. Edgar could see his reflection smiling back at him as he neared the window. The yellow crescent faltered for a moment as the changeling noted his teeth. He really had to get them fixed some time. He doubted it would do much to improve his overall appearance, but then, since when did changelings worry about cosmetics? Edgar and his brethren could take on the appearance of pony supermodels if they wanted to.

But for now, as per instruction by the queen, Edgar was to find and replace a citizen of Ponyville. He was about to do precisely that. For two days he had observed a stallion known as Noteworthy, taking mental notes on all of his attributes and memorizing his relationships with different ponies. Now came the simple part of assuming his identity. All he had to do was sneak into his house, take his form, and keep him hidden until his work was done.

Edgar reached out for the windowsill with porous hooves, his exoskeleton rustling softly against the wood. His palled blue eyes squinted as they peered inside at the bedroom, zeroing in on the bed. The changeling’s grin widened as he spotted the form of a sleeping stallion, his chest rising and falling beneath the blankets with each breath. Edgar gripped the corners of the window pane, preparing to slide it open. He paused for just a moment, casting one last glance at Noteworthy. He showed no signs of stirring. His eyes were closed, his mouth in a slight smile. Fast asleep. Edgar took a deep breath before tightening his grip.

His ragged ears suddenly stiffened up as he heard a sharp crack shatter the silence of the night. Panic suddenly raced through his brain at the thought that he wasn’t alone. The changeling whirled around in the direction of the noise. He had just enough time to see a stone soaring towards his face.

“Oh…”

Edgar somehow retained enough self-restraint not to scream as the stone impacted his forehead. A hairline fracture appeared in the chitin above his right eye as it bounced off, landing in a rain gutter across the street. By that time the changeling had fallen the fifteen feet to the ground, landing on his back with a muffled crunch.

**********

Tarpan’s eyes followed the shadow as it dropped to the street. The Neighanderthal stepped over the small pothole that had been filled by a cobblestone only moments ago, heading over toward the downed creature. He picked up his pace as he saw the limbs twitch. He could see now that it was black in color, as dark as burnt wood. The stallion came to a stop over the creature, looking upon it in disbelief.

It was a bizarre mix of pony and insect, partially covered in jagged plates of chitin. All four of its legs were pockmarked with gaping holes, looking as if they had been gnawed by maggots and worms. Along its segmented neck was a rigid, wrinkled membrane that mimicked a mane. The ears were long and thin, ending in uneven points. A horn projected from the creature’s forehead; curved, Tarpan noticed, like a stinger. The mouth was half open, revealing a set of long, crooked canine teeth.

Tarpan looked down upon the creature with a mixture of disgust and curiosity. In all his years, he had never seen anything like it. The Neighanderthal hesitantly raised his foreleg, reaching out to touch its shoulder.

************

Edgar’s eyes snapped open the moment he felt a hoof prodding at his side. The changeling’s brain was suddenly aware that that he was experiencing pain. It was not the worst pain he had ever felt, but it was rather trying all the same. Firstly it was his head, which throbbed dully where the cobblestone had struck him. Secondly, it was his left wing. A brief and involuntary shudder allowed him to hear a crisp snap from his shoulder--Edgar let out a wheezing sigh. His wing had come off…again.

The changeling heard a deep, guttural voice cry out in surprise as he moved. Almost immediately, Edgar leapt to his hooves, wincing as the pain of his injuries flared with each movement. His lips parted in a fierce snarl, flashing his teeth in the moonlight. The chitin-plated equine let out a menacing hiss at whoever stood over him, his body tensing into a defensive crouch.

Edgar’s narrowed eyes widened slightly as he saw the brutish stallion before him. He was stocky and broad shouldered, covered in thick, shaggy, grayish-brown fur. A wild mane grew from a large, ugly head, the muzzle thick and square. His gray eyes were set in an angry glare. The Changeling returned his own ferocious snarl at the stallion’s icy gaze. Though outwardly Edgar appeared fierce and bestial, on the inside, he was panicking. This stallion, whoever he was, would jeopardize his entire mission. If Ponyville was made aware of the mere sighting of a changeling, the resulting uproar would make it impossible to infiltrate.

Though he felt a powerful rage toward the stallion, Edgar did not let it hold sway over his thoughts. The changeling flashed a sharp-toothed grin as his body was enveloped in an emerald flash, the shadow within morphing from a slender insectoid to one that mirrored his opponent’s.

**********

Tarpan let out a startled yelp as the bug-pony suddenly glowed a bright green, changing into a pony that looked like…himself. Standing less than a foot away was his exact copy, a brawny Neighanderthal with a stony glare on his face. The stallion snorted in bafflement, taking a hurried step away from the doppelganger. His double’s face broke into a malicious smile, a gravelly laugh sounding off in its throat. Tarpan stood still for a moment, his mouth open in astonishment. It even sounded like him. But he knew that it couldn’t be him, because he was him…Wasn’t he?

He could only manage a confused grunt as the double rose up on its hind-legs, bringing down its fore-hooves onto his skull. The next thing Tarpan felt was his body dropping to the cold cobblestone beneath, his teeth clacking together as his chin thudded to the street. He lay stunned for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. He had just been assaulted by himself. But it wasn’t really himself; he was sure of that now. Though its appearance was that of a Neighanderthal, it still had that same awful stinkbug odor of the bug-pony.

*********

Edgar bit into his jaw as he tried to hold back a scream. A fiery pain was suddenly present in his hooves, quickly working its way up his forelegs and into his shoulders. The changeling-turned-pony backed away from his downed target, wincing as his forelimbs touched the ground. Striking the stallion’s head had been like punching a block of granite. Edgar let a muffled hiss escape from his lips as he turned back to look at his downed enemy. Much to his surprise, the stallion was no longer laying flat against the street. He was slowly rising to his hooves, a low growl in his throat.

The changeling took another step back as the stallion’s eyes focused on him, looking icy and unforgiving. A snarled tail angrily whipped back and forth behind him. Edgar had just moments to notice it before the pony wheeled around on his forelegs, firmly planting a kick to the impostor's muzzle.

The changeling’s face felt like it was on fire as he went sailing down the street, so dazed that he didn’t even notice his disguise had vanished at the moment of impact. In another instant he felt his shoulder brush against the ground, the street scratching and grating his carapace. He kept on sliding for quite some time, his body rattling over the cobblestones. At long last the Edgar finally came to a stop, his still body sprawled out chaotically like a fallen marionette. His chest sluggishly rose and fell as he stared up at the sky, his eyes wide and blank.

Edgar had fought before. He had trained with some of Chrysalis’s most brutal Generals. He had been present at the failed siege of Canterlot, and had been able to best two of Celestia’s personal guards on his own. He had even fought against the Elements of Harmony when they had attempted to retrieve their respective elements. But he had never before fought with a pony who could kick him halfway across a town, nor did he ever wish to fight one again.

With a weak, agonized groan, Edgar began to move. He shakily turned himself over and pulled his battered limbs from beneath his body. He heard his exoskeleton crack in several places as he unsteadily climbed to his hooves, looking as if he might tip over at any second. Every inch of his body seemed to ache, so much to the point where it felt less like pain and more like a physical force pulling him down. The changeling shuddered, trying to regain control of himself.

His loose, wobbly body suddenly froze as a noise reached his ragged ears. A heavy gallop echoed from somewhere behind him, growing louder and presumably closer with each passing second. Edgar’s eyes grew wide. The changeling slowly shuffled around, looking back down the street. A dreading grimace appeared on his muzzle as he saw a powerful pony running toward him, charging along with the force of an express train. In mere seconds he was close enough so that Edgar could see his expression. Gray eyes were narrowed in determination, the enormous teeth gritted in a furious scowl.

It were as if Edgar’s pain had vanished. Instantly he had turned around and broken into a sprint that would have awed judges of the Equestrian Games. The changeling became a dark blur as he fled down the shadowy road, his hole-filled hooves ringing hollowly with each step. He heard the hoof beats behind him grow distant, but they continued to remain within earshot even as neared the very edge of Ponyville. He never looked back, and in truth, did not want to.

***********

Tarpan’s nostrils flared with each breath as he galloped after the bug-pony, his eyes zeroed in on its one-winged form. The creature’s speed surpassed his own, but the Neighanderthal wouldn’t let that stop him from driving it away from the pony settlement. Already the houses were thinning, growing fewer the farther they ran. Soon Tarpan felt the cobblestone street become dirt road. He could see the bug-pony clearly now, as there were no shadows for it to duck behind out in the open country.

But it would only remain open country for a bit longer. Up ahead Tarpan saw the moonlight shining upon a multitude of towering trees. The bug-pony suddenly disappeared into the darkness between two enormous oaks. Tarpan’s hoof beats began grow softer as he slowed, staring at the quiet forest with wary eyes. He might have given up chase if not for a last-minute thought. The bug-pony could have been hiding just behind the tree-line, waiting for him to turn around. Maybe it would be best just to make sure it was gone, and if it wasn’t, scare it off.

The Neighanderthal raced to the forest, the world growing darker as he approached the trees. Leaves crunched between his hooves and the road as he neared. Branches swayed overhead, casting eerie shadows about the forest floor. The stallion glanced up at the boughs of the oaks as he passed beneath them. It was only for a brief moment. But it was long enough to keep him from noticing the pit before him.

Tarpan cried out as he fell face-forward into a dark hole in the ground.

************

A smile weakly formed along Edgar’s bruised muzzle as he watched his brutish opponent tumble into the pit. A thick, loud squelch sounded off, and the smile turned into a grin. The changeling’s head poked out of a crevice in the base of an oak, his face half-hidden in shadow. With an oily snicker the insectoid slithered out of the tree, heading towards the edge of the hole. A furious grunt reached his withered ears as he peered down into darkness. The rays of moonlight that peeked down through the branches shone against the slick surface of glistening muck.

In the center of the gelatinous soil was the thrashing form of a stallion, his teeth bared in frustration as he made a grab for one of the gnarled, twisting roots that poked through the sides of the pit. The pony kicked his back-legs wildly, thrusting himself upwards. Edgar cocked his head slightly as the equine fell back into the mud with a loud splat, letting out another snide giggle.

“Well,” he chuckled in a nasally, greasy tone, “How…convenient.”

Author's Note

I'm really, REALLY sorry that I haven't gotten back to this story in so long, it's just, well...I got stumped for a while...

A Bug in the System

Captain Spike sat relaxed on Cutler’s Point. The dread pirate took a deep breath, inhaling the strong salt air of the sea. He gazed out over the gleaming sapphire of the waves as they rhythmically lapped against the sparkling white sands of the shore. Closing his eyes for a just a moment, he listened to the gentle sound of water running over edge of the beach. The dragon sighed. It was good to be the pirate king.

“Captain?…”

A sweet, melodic voice washed over the captain’s ears. The dragon looked over to his right. His eyes fell upon the form of a beautiful mare sitting beside him. The calm breeze ran through her brilliant indigo mane, making it waver across her flawless, alabaster face. Her eyes were the same marvelous blue of the sea, and they gazed into the young dragon’s very soul.

“Yes, Madame Rarity?” crooned the chivalrous pirate. The mare batted her eyes at him, inching herself closer.

“I just wanted to thank you again for saving me from Admiral Blueblood,” she said, “I would have been at that scoundrel’s mercy had it not been for you…” Her eggshell white face reddened a little, and for a moment she averted her gaze.

“It was nothing, my dear,” replied the dragon as he gently placed his hand over her hoof, “I would give my life to keep you safe.” He felt the unicorn take his claw in her grasp.

“I’ve…never met anyone so kind,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. She slowly moved forward, until she was only inches away from the pirate’s fetching face. Spike gave a boyish smirk as she lifted a hoof to his cheek.

“What a handsome…mustache,” she murmured, her mouth drawn in a stunning smile.

“Thank you,” breathed Spike, “I hope it would not be too bold of me to say that you have the most beautiful mane I’ve ever seen...” They both grew quiet, just staring into one another’s eyes. The cool breeze whispered in the background, as if speaking to the gentle roar of the ocean. At last, Madame Rarity’s voice broke the silence.

“Spike?”

“Yes, my darling?” replied the pirate.

“Spike?”

“Um…yes?”

The lovely mare suddenly grabbed onto his shoulders with a surprising vise-like grip and began shaking him back and forth. The dragon flailed his arms in surprise and confusion.

“Spike! Spike!” called Madame Rarity, unceremoniously slapping the pirate king across the face, “Spike, wake up! SPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKE~”

******

Spike’s eyes suddenly snapped open to see a mare’s frowning face right in front of his own. It took a moment for his mind to register that it wasn’t the divine continence of Madame Rarity, but rather the comparatively mundane visage of Twilight Sparkle. The unicorn’s mouth was drawn in a worried frown, and there was a dangerously anxious look in her eyes. Spike recognized that look, and figured that he about fifty-eight seconds to intervene before the mare descended into total panic.

“Uh…Twilight?”

“Tarpan’s gone!” cried the unicorn as she gave Spike another shake, “Spike, he’s left the library!” Something clattered out of the dragon’s basket, landing at Twilight’s hooves. The mare’s look of desperation vanished as she glanced down, her eyes happening upon a paperback book. They narrowed suspiciously as she read the title aloud.

“…The Pirate King of Cutler’s Point?” She looked from the dog-eared novel to the dragon, who was suddenly not making eye contact. “Spike…”

“It’s not mine!” blurted the reptile.

“I know,” huffed Twilight as she snatched up the book in question, “That’s because it’s mine.” Spike’s eyes widened for a moment.

“…Really? Huh. Never woulda figured you liked romances…” His eyes grew even wider. “I mean, not that I’ve read it, it’s just I saw the cover and thought--”

“Just forget it,” sighed Twilight, “Come on, we’ve got to find Tarpan!” Spike’s body was suddenly enveloped in a pink aura as he was levitated onto the mare’s back. He barely had time to hold on before the unicorn bolted out of the bedroom.

“But what about breakfast?” cried the dragon as they descended down the stairwell.

******

“And in their gratitude, the entire tribe offered Trixie access to their most prized possessions. Of course, Trixie, being as noble and generous as she is, politely declined their offer.” Trixie glanced down again at the wild-stallion, who was still diligently looking up at her as she continued to work with the hopelessly tangled mess of rope. The azure mare had taken it upon herself to regale him with a bit of her history as undoing the knots was taking longer than she had hoped. Thankfully, after half an hour or so, her efforts were finally paying off. Although she had many more stories of her magnificence she could have shared with the mud-bound pony, Trixie was grateful that she was nearly finished.

******

Tarpan continued to listen to the pony as she talked, patiently waiting for her to rescue him. Though she was engaged in a time-consuming struggle with the cord, Tarpan could tell that she really was trying her hardest and appreciated her effort. He was also thankful that she, a mare who could apparently vanquish the most terrible of dangers, had stopped to help him when his plight seemed a mere inconvenience in comparison to her typical exploits. She spoke of defeating creatures that vaguely sounded like those he had seen before, one in particular sounding like a Star-Beast.

The Neighanderthal wondered if such a champion might have heard of the strange bug-pony that had tried forcing its way into a pony-dwelling last night. If she had, Tarpan would need to bring her back to Ponyville to help him dispose of it. No doubt it had snuck back into the town after leaving him trapped, and if it could change its shape…Well, the stallion hoped he could find its scent again.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted when a worn rope flopped down in the mud only inches away from his face. Tarpan’s normally somber gray eyes lit up with delight as he looked up to see the brilliant azure face of his rescuer.

“Grab on, wild-stallion!” she cried, “The Great and Powerful Trixie will have you out in a moment!” Tarpan eagerly locked his jaws around the cord, grasping it in his hooves for good measure.

******

Trixie grinned as the wild-stallion grabbed the rope. Her end of the cord glowed a bright magenta as she took a telekinetic hold of it. Having had trouble with mud before, Trixie knew that the hardest part would be getting the stallion free from the mud, which acted like a suction cup. However, such a task would be easy for a pony as strong and powerful as herself. The magician prepared to charge forward, which she figured would provide the needed force to pull the wild-stallion from his earthy prison.

Seconds later her plan became a reality. Trixie was rushing forward, the rope trailing behind her. She braced herself for the moment the rope would go taut, strengthening her grip of the cord. A triumphant smirk spread across her muzzle as she ran. A little hard work was all that stood between her and a new and improved show.

However, the work would turn out to be harder than she thought, as the very next second the rope went tight. Trixie let out a yelp as her hooves flew out from underneath her, sending her flat on her back.

******

It was early morning, and as per usual Cherrie Tomato was the first one setting up shop in the market. The mare carefully unloaded her goods onto the wooden counter, placing them in evenly spaced rows, just as she did every morning. The day ran as clockwork to her, and she knew that she’d be sold out by noon. Then she’d go home, tend to her plants, get her tomatoes ready for tomorrow morning, and end the day with a long, hot, relaxing bath.

A midnight-blue figure suddenly caught her eye as she was stocking her stand. Cherrie paused in her work to see a stallion stumble out from around the corner. The pale-coated mare would have ordinarily continued, as she saw this pony every day. Noteworthy the street musician always passed through the market on his way to his corner, but this morning something seemed a bit…different about him. He looked exhausted; his mouth was in a pained grimace, and he winced every time a hoof touched the ground. Cherrie raised an eyebrow. Yesterday the same pony had been dancing on top of tables at the Merry Weather Café.

The tomato vendor sighed, and returned to her work. She didn’t really care why Noteworthy was suddenly so tired. It wasn’t any of her business. But she hoped that whatever it was, it might keep him from playing today. She wasn’t a big fan of his music. She wasn’t a big fan of his upbeat attitude, either. Cherrie didn’t like to think of herself as an old grouch, but the carefree way that he lived his life got on her nerves. He frivolously attended parties almost every night, spending his meek earnings left and right, and never seemed to have any problems.

Cherrie’s nose wrinkled as she saw something that reminded her all too well of her own problems. A big, bandy-legged, brown and gray insect wiggled its antennae at her from atop one of her prized tomatoes. The mare narrowed her eyes and gritted her teeth. Stinkbugs. Only one of the many pests that plagued her garden. And where one appeared, more were sure to follow. In one swift motion, she swept it off the tomato and squashed it on the counter.

Cherrie didn’t notice that the exact moment her hoof crushed the insect’s exoskeleton, Noteworthy stopped dead in his tracks. His ears perked up and swiveled in her direction. He glanced over at her with a blank face before starting forward again.

Just as the tomato vendor wiped the stinkbug’s remains from the countertop, another crawled out from her display of red produce. Grunting in disgust, Cherrie disposed of it in the same fashion.

Noteworthy froze once more, his head painfully swiveling on his neck to look at the vendor. His golden eyes blazed fiercely at her as he turned, his broken gait beginning again as he headed toward her.

Cherrie looked up as she heard the sound of uneven hoof-steps approaching. A confused frown formed on her face. It was Noteworthy. He glared at her with an uncharacteristically stern expression as he neared. He finally came to a stop right in front of her counter.

“Can I help you?” murmured Cherrie as she ran a skeptical gaze over the stallion. His coat seemed a little duller than usual, and he had large, drooping bags under his eyes.

“Don’t do that…”

Cherrie raised an eyebrow.

“Uh…do what?”

Noteworthy’s powerful stare unlocked with her own and looked down at the mangled stinkbug carcass near her hoof. Cherrie glanced down at it for a moment before rolling her eyes.

“Oh,” she muttered, “The bug.” Noteworthy nodded. Cherrie narrowed her eyes in an accusing glare.

“Look, Mister,” she sighed, “What I do is none of your business. So sorry for trying to keep bugs outta my goods. If you wanna eat pest-ridden vegetables, go somewhere else, because you’re not gonna find ’em here.” Noteworthy coolly leered at the mare, not looking away as he reached over and snatched a tomato from her stand.

“Hey, what do you think you’re do-” Cherrie was cut short by the cold, calm voice of the stallion. There was something in his voice she had never heard before. Something that sounded terribly threatening.

“You know, I’m not really one for tomatoes,” he said as he tossed the tomato and caught it in his hoof, “But I do think they’re good for something.” Cherrie’s mouth remained open, but she found herself speechless as Noteworthy bore into her with a frightening stare. She only looked away when he set the tomato in front of her.

“I find they’re effective when you want to demonstrate what could happen to a miserable, unsuspecting little tomato vendor if, say a giant hoof came out of the blue and ended her existence.”

In the next instant he slammed his hoof down onto the tomato, splattering its red innards all over Cherrie.

“Of course,” he continued as he shook the red mess from his fetlock, “It’s unlikely that a giant hoof would just come out of nowhere. But I mean, you could get the same result if a large fruit cart tipped over on said tomato vendor, or maybe something like a…piano.” Cherrie gulped, and nervously followed Noteworthy’s gaze as he looked up at the sky. “Lotsa klutzy pegasai up there, I imagine.” With that, the stallion turned away from the stand, glancing back at her one last time.

“By the way,” he said with an insidiously friendly smile, “A tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable.”

******

After about five attempts at loosening the wild-stallion from the mud, Trixie’s patience was beginning to wear thin. The bedraggled mare let out a sigh through her gritted teeth as she limped back to the edge of the hole for yet another try. She forced her mouth into a hopeful smile as she caught sight of the wild-stallion. Much to her dismay, he was displaying an uncertain frown his mud-covered muzzle.

“Alright, this time Trixie will get you out for sure!” she called, her voice overly enthusiastic. The magician’s near-manic grin faded as she turned away, becoming something that resembled the wild-stallion’s doubtful expression. She couldn’t understand it. Despite her strength, which often claimed was great as her magical abilities, the pony refused to budge. She’d pulled her cart free from the mud at least a dozen times last April, and that was certainly heavier than a single stallion.

Trixie shook her head for a moment, as if trying to loosen the creeping doubts from her mind. She could do this. She was the Great and Powerful Trixie. She wasn’t going to let something as trivial as physics or gravity stand in her way of rescuing the wild-stallion. The magician’s magenta eyes blazed with determination as they looked ahead. Her horn glowered as it levitated the rope into her mouth; locking her jaws onto it like a vice. The mare scraped her hoof in the dirt before her, preparing for a pull to end all pulls. By her combined magic and natural strength, she was going to get the stallion free.

Trixie shot forward like a bullet. She didn’t even slow down when the rope went taut and the wild-stallion was yanked out of the mud. Nor did she pause once he was dragged out of the pit. She was going to stop when she spotted the tree-trunk that seemed to spring up out of nowhere, but by then it was too late.

KA-THUNK!

******

Tarpan let out a tired sigh of relief as he felt grass instead of mud against his body. He was finally free. He could feel the warmth of the rising sun against his back. It felt infinitely better than the damp, cold confines of the pit. The Neighanderthal slowly stood up and shook himself, sending bits of earth and muck from his body. His barrel chest rose and fell as he took a deep breath and looked around for his savior, a gracious smile on his face.

The smile faltered as he spotted the figure of an azure mare a short distance away. From what he could see, she appeared to be in some kind of distress, as she was desperately kicking and pulling at a tree trunk.

“Hold on, wild-stallion!” she cried in-between frustrated grunts, “The Great and Powerful Trixie will be with you momentarily!” Curious and somewhat concerned as to why the mare was assaulting the tree, the Neighanderthal took several heavy-hoofed steps over to her side. The answer presented itself immediately--The mare’s horn was stuck fast in the tree trunk.

The blue pony’s strained grimace morphed into a sheepish grin as she noticed the stallion beside her, her cheeks turning a light pink.

“Ah…If you would please give Trixie a minute, she will--” Her words were cut short as Tarpan reached over and wrapped his foreleg around her shoulders. The stallion leaned backward, resulting in a loud pop as the mare’s horn was drawn from the tree. She stumbled back as he let go, giving her head a little shake before turning to him, looking even more sheepish than before.

“Um…Thank you, wild-stallion,” she said. Tarpan smiled and gave her a nod, gesturing over to the mud pit.

“Thankkh yew vurri mutch,” he replied, hoping the mare would understand his attempt at her language. She apparently did, as the sheepishness melted away and was replaced with an air of high respectability.

“You’re most welcome,” said the mare as she straightened her posture, donning a pleased little smile as she did so, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is glad that she could offer her services.” Her smile thinned out as her face went blank. “Did…did you just speak?”

Tarpan nodded.

“Oh…Well, that’s certainly interesting, a wild-stallion that can talk…” The Neighanderthal reached out and pointed with a hoof towards the edge of the forest.

“Kohm,” he cried, “Therr is bug-pony in Ponyville! Must Heghlp!” The mare’s eyes widened in confusion. Tarpan understood this, as he was not the best at pronouncing her words, nor did he actually know the name they used for the bug-pony.

“A what in where?” she asked as she raised an eyebrow. Tarpan nervously clenched his teeth for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain the problem.

“Big-blahck bug-pony,” he said, gesturing a foreleg in front of his mouth, “Long teeth, shighny wingks!” It was evident from the confused look on the mare’s face that his description wasn’t really helping. The relic gave another anxious glance over at the town in the distance.

“Foll-oguh me!” he said at last, turning and bolting out of the forest. The mare’s eyes widened.

“Wait!” she cried as she started after him, “Where are you going? Come back here! We don’t have time for this, Trixie needs to consult a publicist!”

Bananas, Bananas Everywhere

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Twilight said as she nervously paced back and forth in her living room, “We’ll all split up and search each a section of Ponyville.” She turned to the five ponies and the small dragon who were tiredly slouching in the sofa before her.

“How do we know he’s still in Ponyville?” yawned Rainbow Dash, running a hoof through her messy mane.

“We don’t,” Twilight replied, “Which is why we need someone to search in a circular pattern a ways outside the town limits. Fluttershy, Applejack, that will be your job.” As she spoke, the unicorn dragged an easel with a map of Ponyville into view. Various markings had been hastily scribbled onto it only moments before with colored pencils, dividing it up into different sectors.

“Applejack, Fluttershy, you’ll search here,” continued Twilight as she ran her hoof along a big red circle that
surrounded the town. “Both of you will move along this line in a clockwise direction. Rainbow Dash,” she moved to point at a blue-tinted portion of Ponyville, “You’ll look uptown. But you’ll only be searching on streets that face east and west, and you’ll be checking public buildings in an alphabetical order.”

The unicorn’s zealous gaze shifted over to the form of Rarity, whose mane was still in curlers.

“Rarity, You’ll also be looking uptown, but you’ll be patrolling streets that run north and south. Likewise, you’ll also be checking into public places in an alphabetical order.” Twilight left the confused face of the white mare and moved on to the smiling pink mare that sat next to her.

“That leaves Pinkie, Spike, and myself to search downtown. Pinkie, you’ll take the streets that run east and west, and Spike and myself will take the ones that go north to south.” The pink mare nodded vigorously and was about to comment when Twilight rushed back to the map.

“Now, in the event that we fail to find him before nine A.M., Everyone needs to switch with their respective partners and, if they haven’t fully finished their list of public places to check, finish checking. If we haven’t found him by eleven A.M., Applejack and Fluttershy will switch routes with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, while Pinkie, Spike, and I will take Applejack’s and Fluttershy’s place.” She paused for a moment and looked out at her companions.

“Did everyone get that?”

******

A pony stood on the corner of Sugar-Cube Street and Market Avenue, leaning against the brick wall of the post office. His eyes peered out from the shadows at the enormous tree in the center of the town square, glowering with determination as a crooked smile spread across his face. Despite one or two setbacks, things would go ahead as planned. All he had to do was wait a bit before taking action. Just stay in the background while everypony went about their business. Then, when the time was right, and the five other mares had left, he’d move in. His target would never suspect him. He’d be just like any other pony who came in looking for a book. And then…then…

His ears perked up as the library’s door opened. The mares’ visit with the librarian had been shorter than expected. That meant he could finish the job ahead of schedule and return home, possibly earning a record for shortest time taken in completing a mission. Even better, he might receive a promotion.

However, the corners of his grin began to buckle as he countered the number that left the building. One, two, three, four, five…and six…plus one dragon.

He bit his lip and let a sigh out the side of his mouth. Of course the librarian would leave with her friends, throwing yet another wrench into his designs. If she remained with her friends, it would be impossible to carry out his task. He wouldn’t dare approach the librarian when the other Elements were near. Not only would that go against his orders, but to do so would go against his common sense.

But just as disappointment took hold of him, something happened that reopened the window of opportunity. Rather than remaining together, the six mares parted ways, each one quickly vanishing down a separate street. All of them, except the librarian.

His golden gaze followed the purple unicorn as she rushed past him. His flustered frown eased out into a smile. Once again, things had changed, but this time they might have done so to his advantage. The pony could follow and get a better chance at observing her. Maybe she might venture somewhere where he could perform his job without any witnesses. A shortcut through an alley, perhaps…

A few moments after she had passed, he donned an innocent smile and started trotting after her.

******

Powerful hooves beat against cobblestone as Tarpan rushed into Ponyville. The Neighanderthal looked about the awakening town with wide, vigilant eyes, despite the fact he had spent the better part of the night exhausting himself in the mud pit. They scanned for one particular roof-line among the dozens of colorful structures. He was certain that the bug-pony had returned in the night to finish its invasion of the pony-dwelling. Tarpan didn’t know exactly what it was trying to accomplish, but its intentions couldn’t have been anything but malevolent.

Behind him he heard the concerned and somewhat indignant voice of the mare--Trixie, as she called herself--demanding to know where they were going. Tarpan technically knew, as he could remember the what the pony-dwelling looked like, but could not actually recall how to get there. Ponyville’s unusual and confusingly colored layout made it somewhat difficult for him to navigate, and he had not been paying attention to his surroundings during the chase the previous night. The only thing that he could remember was that it was somewhere near the large, open space in the middle of the town next to Twilight’s tree. And if he were to go there, he could alert Twilight of the bug-pony’s presence.

But before Tarpan could reach his destination, something happened. As he was galloping down the road, something found its way into his nostrils. Something familiar. It was pungent and odiferous, similar to the harsh stench of a…stinkbug. And its source was very, very close by. The Neighanderthal suddenly froze dead in his tracks, coming to a screeching halt in the middle of the street. The mare behind him barely managed to stop herself from running into him.

“Look, Mr. wild-stallion,” she sighed in-between her winded gasps, “I really don’t have time for this. We need to get back to Canterlot to…to…” Her eyes widened in disbelief as Tarpan suddenly started down an alleyway. She let out a tired sigh of frustration.

“Oh, come on!” she moaned as she once again took after him, “It’s too early for this!”

******

Edgar loitered in the darkness of an alleyway, watching the purple mare neurotically trot up and down Baker’s Street, talking to the small dragon on her back. He couldn’t hear quite hear what the topic of their conversation. But he could hear the heavy anxiety in the unicorn’s voice as she spoke with the reptile. Whatever they were discussing, it seemed to be of great importance. Edgar felt the need to get closer, but he didn’t want to be seen. Not yet. Maybe later when she was somewhere more public he could get away with idling next to her.

His disguised ear turned as a noise sounded off somewhere behind him. A heavy-hoofed gallop, slowly growing louder, echoing off the walls and trashcans. The changeling’s false face paled. If that noise wasn’t what he thought it was, then his name wasn’t Edgar Grubb.

The changeling’s aching body turned just in time to allow him to see a muddy blur plowing through the rusted garbage cans and old crates, heading directly towards him.

******

“Twilight, slow down!” cried Spike as he struggled to remain on the mare’s back.

“No time!” replied the unicorn as she zigzagged around the ponies who were just now emerging from their homes to begin the day, “We’ve got to find him before something happens to him!” The reptile clutching her mane rolled his eyes.

“Happen to him? What’s going to happen to him? The guy took down a Lybbarde; I don’t think anything’s going to bother him.”

“Spike, that’s not the point,” Twilight huffed anxiously as she dodged a street cart, “The point is that he’s only been thawed for twenty-four hours, he wandered out into a world he still doesn’t completely understand, and if we can’t find him I’ll have to explain to the princesses that I lost the only surviving member of a prehistoric race!”

“…Well, when you say it like that, I guess it does kinda sound bad,” Spike admitted, “But don’t get so worked up about it. We’ve only been out here for fifteen minutes. We’ll find him eventually--”

The words were barely out of his mouth before something exploded behind them in a flash of green light. Twilight and Spike whirled around to see two smoldering figures come tumbling out of the alleyway, scattering trash all over the street. A vendor selling bananas screamed and fled as the two figures crashed into her pushcart, sending bits of wood and yellow mush in every direction. The librarian and her assistant were suddenly coated in banana paste. This would normally have irritated Twilight to no end, as she knew that it would take forever to get it all out of her mane. However, her disdain for her predicament was quickly forgotten when she noticed the pony sitting in the wreckage of the cart.

It was none other than the Neighanderthal they were looking for.

Both Twilight and Spike gaped blankly at the relic for several minutes. Then, Twilight broke the silence by running up to the stallion, awkwardly slipping and sliding on the liquefied fruit that blanketed the street.

“Tarpan!” she cried, “Tarpan, where have you been?!” The muddy stallion turned to face her, looking just as surprised and relieved as she did. He opened his mouth to reply when a loud, irritated voice rang out from the smoking alleyway.

“What-what was that?” it coughed, “Mr. Wild-Stallion, did you--” The voice gave way to a yelp as an azure mare slid out into the open on a rogue banana peel. She just barely managed to stop herself inches away from what could have been an unfortunate collision with a lamppost. Letting out a sigh of relief, she carefully inched around to face Tarpan, eyes narrowed in annoyance.

“Don’t ever run off like that again!” she barked, “And what do you mean tackling ponies like that? Do you want to land yourself in jail before my--I mean, our career even begins?”

“…Trixie?”

The show-pony’s eyes went wide as she suddenly noticed the identity of the purple mare standing only a few feet away from her. There was a similar shocked expression on the unicorn’s face as she stared at the magician.

“Trixie?” she muttered, “What are you…uh…doing here?” It seemed to take a moment for the azure mare to reply.

“Why…Hello, Twilight,” she said at last, “I’m here because of a little, ah, misunderstanding with my new acquaintance here.” Twilight followed Trixie’s eyes to the Neighanderthal. The librarian gaped at the stallion.

“Tarpan, what have you been up to?”

“Wait,” asked Trixie, her eyes shifting back and forth between Twilight and the relic, “Who’s Tarpan?”

“That’s Tarpan,” said Spike as he thrust a thumb toward the stallion, “He vanished last night from the library.” Trixie frowned, now looking very confused.

“But…why would there be a wild-stallion in the library?” Both Spike and Twilight raised an eyebrow at the magician as she waited for an answer.

“Wild-stallion?” said the lavender unicorn, “Trixie, Tarpan’s not a wild-stallion. He’s a Neighanderthal.” The magician’s eyes widened in bewilderment, now looking more confused than ever.

“Neighanderthal?” she echoed, peering back at Tarpan. She leaned in closer, squinting at the relic. “You mean a…cave-pony?”

“Well, I suppose that’s one of the terms that could be applied to him,” answered Twilight, “But there are a number of early equines that could be labeled as ‘cave-ponies’--”

Everyone suddenly jumped as Tarpan, who had been trying to interject the whole time, let out a concerned bark.

“Bug-pony!” he blurted, “Twi-light, Therr is bahd bug-pony in Ponyvighlle!”

Twilight, Trixie, and Spike all looked on in amazement as the stallion stood up and pulled a limp, banana-caked form out from the ground beneath him. Several good shakes sent the yellow mush flying, revealing the bruised exoskeleton of a certain spy.

“A changeling!” came the simultaneous cry of the three onlookers. The creature in question let out a weary gurgle, its dull blue eyes fluttering open to give a weak, hateful glare at its attacker.

A Noteworthy Situation

One end of a small, flimsy branch hovered apprehensively over the banana-caked face of the unconscious changeling. The end was firmly grasped by the claws of a curious dragon. The small reptile slowly brought the stick forward, pushing it against the chitinous left cheek of the captive. The changeling’s head slowly turned, the fruity mush squelching beneath the right side of his face. The dragon carefully drew his arm back, pulling the stick away from the creature’s ugly continence. Moments later it once again made contact with the changeling, this time prodding at one of the long, thick eyebrows that snaked across the creature’s forehead.

While Spike monitored the captured changeling, Twilight Sparkle was talking to Trixie and Tarpan in an effort to understand the events leading up to the current situation.

“So, you found him in Whitetail Woods?” the librarian asked.

“That is correct,” Trixie replied with a vaguely prideful smile, “He was half dead, trapped at the bottom of a mud pit. Had Trixie not been there in time, he would surely have perished in the next minute or so.” Twilight raised a skeptical brow as she glanced over at the Neighanderthal. The relic met her gaze and nodded sheepishly.

“Well…Thank you,” the mare said, smiling as she turned back to the azure magician.

“You’re most welcome,” grinned Trixie, “Now then, Twilight, what’s this about Tarpan being a ‘Neighanderthal’?” The mare’s smile lessened when her question went unanswered.

“Hold on a moment,” said Twilight, “Tarpan, what were you doing last night?” The stallion took a few moments to respond, his brow furrowing as he searched for the right words.

“Ai… Cood nought sleep lahst night,” said the relic, stumbling over each syllable, “Ai…lepht to explohre…how yew say, markkit?” He grimaced, face wrought with uncertainty as he spoke. Just as it had taken him a few moments to speak, it took few moments for Twilight to decipher his sentence.

“Oh…You went out to the town square?” Tarpan nodded, bits of dried mud falling from his mane onto the street.

“Yus,” he replied, “Yus, I went to toughn squarr.” The stallion paused, pointing a hoof at their captive. “I saugh bug-pony fligh ohvar, try to git into pony-dwelling.” Twilight’s eyes widened with oncoming concern.

“The…changeling tried to get into somepony’s home?” she muttered, the words laced with a dreadful nervousness.

“Ai stohpped him,” said Tarpan, “Ai chased him ouht of Ponyville, but fell into mud-pit.” He looked over to the azure magician. “Trixie cahme and saved me at sunrhyse.”

Twilight’s tensed frown relaxed, but only a little. She bit her lip and glanced down at the street, the cogs of her mind hard at work as they sifted through the information supplied by the magician and the relic.

“Could you show us which home he tried to break into?” she said at last.

******

In the ten minutes time it took them to find the house, Trixie’s mind felt as if it had gone through a lifetime’s worth of thoughts. Granted, most of them were simply questions she had concerning the appearance of what she understood to be a prehistoric pony in modern day Equestria. The mare tried to hide her amazement as best she could, refraining from staring at what she had first taken for a wild-stallion. Now that she knew what he truly was, everything about his curious appearance made sense. His oddly robust physique, his thick fur, the broad, square muzzle… Now that she thought about it, she wondered how she had ever mistaken him for a modern stallion.

Despite her vast and resourceful knowledge that she often bragged about, the show-mare didn’t know much about ‘Neighanderthals’. All she really did know was that they had existed a very long time ago, gone extinct, and that when shown alongside that of a modern equine, their skeletons looked funny. These three facts she had learned when glancing through a dated science magazine article while in the waiting room of her last visit to the doctor’s office.

But as she watched him cantering alongside Twilight, the changeling slung over his back like a bruised bag of potatoes, the show-mare began to wonder more about ‘Tarpan’. Her most pressing question concerned how he had ended up in Ponyville, and why he and Twilight appeared to know each other. The possibility of spells dealing with time travel crossed her mind several times. While they seemed likely, Trixie dismissed them on the fact that not even Twilight Sparkle could master such speculative and unproven magic.

But whatever the cause, Trixie was more or less focused on the result. A living, breathing member of an extinct race was walking only a few feet in front of her. Just the fact that he was there was amazing. Sensational, even. The mare’s eyes glimmered with thoughtfulness as she contemplated all the attention he could draw if he were presented to the right crowd. Trixie supposed that Canterlot, which was home to many prominent intellectuals and dusty professors would likely be the preferred venue. She could already see the astounded look of the audience, the glint of monocles as they fell from the gaping faces of skeptical aristocrats and flabbergasted doctors.

Before she knew it, the Trixie was indulging in a grand fantasy borne of her ponderings. There she was, standing on the main stage of Cornegie Hall, the chairs filled with ponies dressed in their Sunday best. All would be looking on at her with their usual reserved stuffiness, not quite certain if the whole affair was worth their time. The lights would dim, save for a solid spotlight that was focused on the azure mare poised on center stage. All would remain quite for a minute while she absorbed their attention.

A collective gasp would sound throughout the auditorium as a brilliant explosion of white light and blue smoke detonated beside her. As the plumes thinned, everypony would be able to see a strangely-shaped stallion step out into the open. A Neighanderthal. The world’s only Neighanderthal. Assisting the world’s most amazing, most spectacular, most great and powerful magician before Canterlot’s elite. With such a scientific curiosity in her act, her floundering career could rebound to heights she had never known--

“YEAAGHH!”

Trixie’s glazed-over eyes became clear as a sharp screech exploded in her ears. She glanced around wildly looking for the source of the scream before finally spotted the displeased glare of a purple dragon only inches away from her face.

“Trixie…” the reptile muttered through gritted teeth.

“Yes?”

“You’re standing on my tail.”

The magician glanced down to see that she was indeed standing on his tail

“Oh…” she murmured as she lifted her hoof off of the dragon’s spinal extension. “My apologies, Spork.”

“It’s Spike.”

“Ah, well…” The magician found it hard to say more as he continued to leer at her, a stern frown stretching beneath his skeptical gaze. She was very relieved when Twilight Sparkle spoke, drawing Spike’s attention away from her.

******

“Is this it?”

Twilight’s question was answered via a nod on Tarpan’s part. The mare found herself looking upon a two-story house, its wooden siding painted a soft midnight blue. On the door hung a curious knocker. It was cast from brass, apparently meant to mimic the shape of a saxophone. This tipped her off right away as to who lived there, as there were only two ponies in town who could play saxophone. One was Pinkie Pie, and the other was a local street musician known as Noteworthy.

Twilight had some idea of what the changeling had done to the real Noteworthy--assuming he hadn’t always been the original Noteworthy. In either case, she needed to get to the bottom of the situation as soon as possible. The mare reached out with her telekinesis and grasped the doorknob. A sharp click emanated from its inner works as she tried turning it. Though she had expected it to be locked, the mare sighed all the same. She glanced downward to see if there was any place Noteworthy might have hidden a spare key when somepony nudged her to the side.

“Don’t trouble yourself,” came the complacent voice of a certain magician, “There hasn’t been a lock made that can stand against Trixie’s magic.” Twilight said nothing, and instead watched as the knob glowed a vivid magenta. Something rattled fiercely within the lock in a way that made the librarian cringe. Trixie, however, seemed not to notice the unhealthy effect her magic had on the doorknob, and looked quite pleased with herself as she finished her spell.

“Voila,” the magician said with a typical arrogant smirk as she stepped aside, “It’s all yours, Twilight.” The purple unicorn rolled her eyes and once again took hold of the knob with her magic. It refused to budge in either direction. Twilight turned and shot a halfhearted glare over her shoulder at the magician, who looked genuinely surprised that the door hadn’t opened. The librarian sighed, placing a hoof across her forehead. She was just about to suggest they head over to the locksmith when Tarpan reached over and clamped his jaws around the doorknob.

Several noises followed, but in such rapid succession that they seemed like one big crunch. The first was the screech of brass as Tarpan’s teeth sunk into the doorknob. The second was the shattering of wood as the prongs of the lock were yanked out through the trim. The third was the tearing of the screws as they were ripped out of the doorway. The fourth and final sound was the clunk of the door as it fell against the street.

These noises were subsequently followed by a stunned silence as Twilight, Trixie, and Spike gaped at the Neighanderthal. What so utterly amazed them about the feat wasn’t that he had torn a door with it’s hinges off of a wall with his teeth. It was that he had displayed almost no effort whatsoever while doing so. The door offered no resistance, snapping out of place like a twig. Even to Twilight, who had seen the stallion bring down a Lybbarde, the display of strength was still astounding, and even a little frightening.

“Uh…Thank you, Tarpan,” she muttered, slowly stepping through the now-open doorway.

There was a sickening squelch as the unicorn’s hoof touched the floor of Noteworthy’s home. She immediately drew back as she felt herself step in something as cold as ice, its consistency similar to a mixture of glue and old cottage cheese. The smell that came wafting into her nostrils was equally as unpleasant. Twilight wrinkled her nose in disgust as she peered into the poorly lit parlor that lay before her. Her eyes widened as they adjusted to the dimness, allowing her to see a crooked trail of glistening green slime stretching from the doorway to the stairwell.

******

“Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi! Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi!

Ho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho! Ho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho!

He-de-he-de-he-de-he! He-de-he-de-he-de-he!

Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho! Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho!”

Noteworthy finished the chorus and once again looked out from the cocoon. His room appeared distorted and green from within the fluid-filled membrane. Though most ponies in his position would normally have been panicking, or halfway to insanity by that point, Noteworthy was actually taking the situation pretty well. Sure, he found it strange to wake up floating inside a cocoon, but he knew for certain that there were worse things in the world. Though he’d tried to get out upon first coming to, he quickly discovered that escape was impossible, at least from the inside.

Noteworthy was curious as to how this predicament had befallen him. He did not recall falling asleep inside of the cocoon. In fact, he didn’t actually remember coming home last night. Arriving at the conclusion that he must have been partying really, really hard, Noteworthy had spent the first hour or so of the morning trying to remember what he had done the previous night. When he grew bored with this, he took to singing some of his favorite songs.

Having finished singing his twentieth consecutive song, the stallion took a break to rest his voice. While resting, he began to think which song to sing next. For someone as knowledgeable about music as he was, it wasn’t so much a problem of thinking of a song to sing, it was deciding upon one. Just as he was trying to determine whether or not to sing ‘Hit the Road Jack’ or ’Zoot Suit Riot’, something caught his attention. Through the warped shell of his cocoon, Noteworthy saw the door swing open. His eyes widened as he saw three ponies and a dragon standing in the doorway.

The stallion was both relieved and surprised that somepony had found him. He didn’t recall inviting anyone over. But he wasn’t one to turn away visitors.

“Hey! Nice of ya to drop by!” he called, even though he knew that they couldn’t hear him. They must have noticed something, however, as all four of them were staring at the cocoon. Noteworthy could see their mouths moving as they spoke to each other, stepping closer to his bed.

******

Trixie sneered in disgust as she looked at the pulsating, glistening cocoon that lay before her, anchored to the bed by the means of green, web-like tendrils. The magician could hardly bear to look at the pod, much less rescue the pony inside it. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of the cocoon was that the stallion’s face was still visible within the fluid-filled sac. He appeared to be conscious, as his eyes were moving as if looking at herself and the others.

“…Wut…iss that?”

Trixie looked over to see Tarpan pointing a hoof at the cocoon, his face in a nauseated grimace.

“That’s a cocoon,” said Twilight, not taking her eyes off the afore mentioned object, “The changeling trapped Noteworthy in it to…” She paused as the pod rustled. “…assume his shape without interference.”

“Well…How do we go about rescuing him?” Trixie muttered, hoping the answer did not require her to touch the shell.

“We bust it open,” Spike said as he pushed his way to the front of the group, “Like we did at the wedding.” Everypony watched with a horrified look as the dragon nonchalantly strode up to the bed, his index claw extended toward the cocoon. Moments before he could touch it, his hand was enveloped in a pinkish aura. The dragon rolled his eyes as Twilight appeared next to him.

“You never let me have any fun.”

“Sorry, it’s just I’d prefer not to get any more slime in my mane today,” replied the librarian. She turned her attention to the cocoon, levitating the dragon’s claw to one end of it, carefully piercing the membrane. With surgical precision, she guided Spike’s hand down the length of the pod. Green liquid seeped out of the aperture, sliding down the oily skin of the cocoon and dripping onto the floor. Spike and Twilight stepped back the moment there was movement from inside. More of the slime spilled out as the stallion within sat up, tearing his way out of the ruptured case. The liberated pony let out a relieved sigh as he turned to his rescuers.

“Aw man, I can’t thank ya guys enough,” he said, wiping away the sticky fluid from his eyes, “I thought I was gonna be stuck in there forever.” Noteworthy began crawling out of the cocoon, stumbling awkwardly as he did so. Twilight rushed forward and grabbed his shoulder as he stepped out on to the floor. Trixie reluctantly followed her example and halfheartedly held out a hoof to support his other side.

“Noteworthy,” Twilight said, brushing gunk away from his ear, “Are you alright? When did this happen? What was the last thing you remember?”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down a second,” replied the stallion, “I’m fine, I just…” He paused, raising an eyebrow.

“You just what?”

“I can’t feel my legs,” he shrugged, flopping down to the floor.

******

Nurse Redheart glanced up from her desk as the doors swung open, revealing two unicorn mares. Between them they carried an earth-pony stallion who was coated from head to hoof in a thick, goopy green slime, who stumbled about as if he were unsure how to work his legs. Next came something that looked like a wild-stallion carrying a crumpled changeling on his back, flanked by a young dragon. Everyone except the slimed stallion was splattered in what appeared to be banana paste.

Redheart stoically set down her clipboard and sighed. It must have been Wednesday.

Author's Note

EDIT: I almost forgot. I drew some pictures for this story.

Tarpan

Edgar The Changeling

Edgar's Toothy Grin

An (Attempted) Interview With Edgar

Tarpan sat rigidly in his seat as he looked about the cold, odorless chamber of what Twilight had called ‘The Hospital’. As Tarpan understood it, a hospital was a place where a medicine pony would look after sick or injured ponies. It sounded like a good idea, but the Neighanderthal wasn’t quite certain he liked the place. Ponies dressed in strange garb went from room to room, doing and saying things he didn’t understand. He was especially frightened when he had peeked into one room to find a pony attached to some beeping…thing, by the means of twisting cords. The stallion hoped Twilight would soon return from fetching her friends. He was certain that should would be able to clear up what was going on, as she seemed knowledgeable about these sort of things.

Until then, Tarpan was to wait in the first chamber of the Hospital with Trixie, awaiting word on Noteworthy’s condition. While they sat, Trixie had stuck up a long-winded and mostly one-sided conversation.

“And despite what the Fillydelphia Police Department might tell you, it was in fact I, Trixie, who managed to send those rogue cattle packing.” The unicorn’s contented smile beamed with pride.

Tarpan tried not to look skeptical. The mare sitting beside him claimed to have scared off a heard of cattle—and from what he remembered of cattle, this was not an easy feat. The Aurochs that lived in the valley below his tribe’s mountain were terribly steadfast, not to mention several times the size of of a southlander. For a single mare to drive away even a small herd of them was a considerable feat.

“…Hghow?”

“Oh, just by casting an illusion of a dragon the length of a city block,” Trixie replied, her voice overflowing with smugness, “Not that I couldn’t have beaten every last one of them in combat, but I was feeling particularly merciful that day.” Tarpan was silent for a moment. Illusion. His new understanding of the southland language told him that it meant something along the lines of ‘something that appeared to be there, but was not’. Tarpan only knew of one example that could possibly fit this description.

“Yew…mayke pictchore?”

“Come again?” said Trixie, raising an eyebrow.

“Pictchore,” repeated the relic, “Pictchore to scare Aurochs?” This was followed by a brief silence, during which the magician stared blankly at him.

“Trixie doesn’t follow in the slightest,” replied the mare. Tarpan furrowed his brow as he thought for an alternate way to explain. It took only a moment before he thought of an exceedingly simple way to demonstrate.

******

Trixie’s already perplexed expression grew even more befuddled as the stallion licked his hoof, wetting the dried mud caked upon it. She watched as he put the tip of his hoof to the white wall behind them, swiping it across to create some kind of image. After several moments of blotting, smudging, and smearing, the Neighanderthal drew back to let Trixie see the finished product.

Now on the wall was a crude picture of some kind of bizarre, serpentine creature that Trixie thought looked a bit like a dragon with uneven limbs. The unicorn squinted at it for a moment, taking in the slightly exaggerated feature of its forelegs, which were held out in a menacing manner.

“Pictchore,” grunted Tarpan as he pointed a hoof at it, “Like yew mahde to skarre ouff Cattell?”

Trixie’s face resumed its prideful smile as the relic’s message was finally driven home.

“Oh,” she chortled with a shake of her head, “No, no, no. Trixie didn’t draw a dragon. She made it appear as if one were there. It’s a complicated spell that few unicorns have mastered, though it was easy for one as magically gifted as Trixie. Observe.” The mare’s horn began to glow, and the air between herself and the relic shimmered and sparkled. Trixie grinned as she saw Tarpan’s eyes widen in amazement as the form of a white rabbit materialized, hovering in midair only inches away from his muzzle.

“Hgh…hghow?” stammered the stallion.

“Magic,” replied Trixie, “Magic and talent. Trixie is gifted with copious amounts of both.” The magician watched as the relic timidly reached a hoof out to touch the apparition. He let out a flustered grunt as it passed right through, his foreleg recoiling in surprise.

“Ahem…”

Both Tarpan and Trixie looked forward to see the stern glare of a white earth pony mare. Her icy blue eyes looked from the rabbit to the mud drawing like those of a cynical skeptic. She sighed, blowing a loose strand of hair out of her face before honing her gaze on the magician.

“Excuse me,” she muttered, “But small animals are not allowed in the waiting room. This is a hospital, not a veterinary office.” Trixie’s eyes narrowed conceitedly as she shot an annoyed frown at the nurse.

“Well, for your information,” she replied with an indignant huff, “There are, in fact, no small animals here.” The rabbit suddenly disappeared in a burst of glittering sparks. Trixie glanced over at her companion as he let out a surprised whinny, staring intently at where the illusion had been. The earth mare, however, displayed a noticeable lack of awe and wonderment, as her only reaction was the rolling of her eyes.

“Bravo,” sighed the nurse, “Now, if you don’t have any more tricks to show us, I thought that you might like to know that your friend is doing fine.

“Oh…” replied Trixie her expression softening for a moment, “That’s wonderful news. Well, it was fortunate we rescued him when we did. I suspect he would’ve been a goner had we arrived a few moments later.”

“Not really,” the nurse said with a shrug, “His legs fell asleep. He’s already fully recovered. The changeling, on the other hoof…Well, it’s safe to say he’s going to be in here for a while.”

“Thank goodness for that,” Trixie sneered, “Serves it right. Maybe now it’ll think twice before giving anypony trouble.” The nurse looked down at her forelock, where a bandage was wrapped around the inflamed imprint of a viscious, crooked set of teeth.

“I’m sure it will,” she muttered as she turned and left, limping as her foreleg touched the floor.

******

Tarpan’s ears perked up as he heard the sound of a good many hoof-beats nearby, growing closer with each passing second. He looked over to see six mares and a dragon enter the room. The Neighanderthal’s mouth formed a relieved smile.

“Hullow,” he said, his rough voice quickly catching their attention. They smiled in return as they saw him—but their smiles lessened somewhat when they heard the lofty voice of the mare that sat next to him.

“Hello everypony,” said Trixie as she rose from her seat, “How nice to see you all again.” Tarpan stood up and followed her over to the group, his pace slowing a bit as he noticed the awkward, uncertain expressions worn by most of Twilight’s friends.

“Hiya Trixie!” shreiked a bright pink mare as she bounded up to the magician from behind the small herd, “Nice to see you again too!” Trixie’s eyes widened in surprise as the ecstatic earth pony grasped her hoof and gave it a thorough shake.

“Ah…” she muttered, “Well, hello--”

Before Tarpan knew it, he felt someone wrap a foreleg around his shoulder. The Neighanderthal glanced over to see that somehow, Pinkie Pie was standing right beside him.

“Thanks a bunch for saving Tarpan!” she cried as she pulled him closer, “We were really worried about him. And I guess we were right to do so, with him being stuck in a mud pit and all, ya know what I mean? I don’t think anypony would’ve thought about looking in Whitetail Woods! Boy, was he lucky you found him!”

“Yes…I suppose it was lucky,” Twilight said, “Especially given the circumstances of how he got there.”

“Yeah,” added Rainbow Dash, “Dude was pretty brave to go tearin’ off after that changeling by himself.”

“Speaking of which,” said Rarity as she cast a nervous glance about the room, “Twilight, are you quite certain the changeling is going to be…successfully detained here?”

******

Edgar was not having a good day. He wasn’t having a bad one, either. Rather, the changeling was having an absolutely terrible day, and it wasn’t even noon yet. A broken leg, two cracked ribs, and a fractured horn would have simply made it a bad day. But being captured and detained in a pony hospital made it completely unacceptable. So it was entirely understandable that the chitinous equine was in an extremely foul mood as he lay propped up on the hospital bed, surrounded by the Elements of Harmony, a juvenile dragon, a big-mouthed magician, and worst of all, the beastly pony that had brought him into public view. Edgar’s intense glare shifted from pony to pony, meeting their gaze with cold, venomous eyes.

“Good morning, sir.”

The changeling looked ahead to the lavender mare who sat in a chair at the foot of his bed. He let out a bone-chilling hiss, exposing his crooked, yellowed teeth in a conceited sneer. The mare seemed unfazed by his aggressive display as she spoke again, her voice calm as if to spite him.

“I’m sorry if the current situation upsets you,” she said, “We’re doing everything we can to make you comfortable.”

“Killing me with kindness?” muttered Edgar, “How typically pony of you.” His comment was ignored by the unicorn.

“Some things have come to light…” she said, “Certain things that may involve yourself. Could you please tell us where you were last night?”

“You should already have some idea.” The changeling pointed a gnarled hoof at the brutish stallion, “That…thing there should’ve told you.” Edgar’s ragged ears twitched as he heard the pony give an aggravated growl.

“That ‘thing’ is Tarpan, and yes, he did tell us what he saw,” the mare replied sternly, “But we all know there’s more to it.”

“Of course you do,” spat the changeling, “After all, a Changeling can never do anything without an ulterior motive.” The purple unicorn narrowed her steely gaze at him.

“You broke into a pony’s house and trapped him in a cocoon,” she murmured. Edgar’s sneer widened.

“If you’re referring to that mediocre musician, you should be thanking me for sparing you at least a few hours of his tortuous racket.”

“Hey!” the pink earth pony angrily interjected as she suddenly appeared only inches away from Edgar’s muzzle, “Noteworthy’s music is some of the smoothest, most snazzy-jazzy stuff in Ponyville!”

“I believe it,” muttered the changeling, “This town’s standards for what passes as entertainment don’t seem terribly high.” The mare was about to reply when she caught a whiff of his breath, which reeked of soured milk and rotten onions. She suddenly covered her nose, her face turning an unsightly green.

“I think you could use one of these…” she choked, holding out what appeared to be a breath-mint to the changeling. Edgar’s foreleg shot out and swatted her hoof away, sending the mint across the room.

“Get out of my face!” he snarled, sending droplets of oily saliva all over her face. The pink mare was suddenly yanked back by a white unicorn, who immediately went to work wiping off the earth pony’s stained continence.

“Please, try and be civil,” came the purple mare’s voice, “You’re in enough trouble as it is.” Edgar looked back to her and snorted.

“I’m well aware of that, Twilight Sparkle.” The corners of his mouth lifted upwards as he saw the bewildered look in her eyes. Her stony expression remained, but the changeling could tell that mentioning her name had flustered her. “Yes, I know your name. I know everything about you and your little friends.” The chitinous creature’s eyes darkened with malevolence as he looked out at the Elements.

“Well…Right now, we’re here to learn a little bit more about you,” murmured Twilight.

“And you think I would tell you anything about myself?” scoffed Edgar, “Really, Twilight, I thought you were smarter than this.”

“She’s smarter than you, bug-face!” cried a Pegasus the changeling recognized as Rainbow Dash.

“Unlikely,” Edgar replied, “A bit more knowledgeable of useless and trivial facts, perhaps, but I have serious doubts that her intelligence surpasses my own.” Edgar merely smirked as the colorful mare grabbed him by the collar.

“Oh yeah?!” she roared, her furious eyes dead-set into the changeling’s own.

“Rainbow Dash…That’s enough.” The cyan Pegasus never stopped glaring at the changeling as she let go of him. Edgar snorted at her before turning back to Twilight.

“So…where were we, Miss Twilight?” The unicorn regarded him with a steely leer.

“We were trying to find out why you’ve been impersonating a citizen of Ponyville,” she muttered through her teeth. Edgar cocked one of his greasy eyebrows with infuriating nonchalance.

“You expect me to talk?”

“We’re interrogating you, so yes, we had some hopes that you would.” A horrifically wicked smile was suddenly present on the changeling’s face.

“Then I’m happily obliged to dash those hopes by refusing to discuss the matter.” The lavender mare sat silently for a moment as she was faced with Edgar’s snaggletoothed grin.

“…Would you at least consider trying to behave yourself while you’re here?”

“That depends on what your definition of ‘behaving’ is,” snickered Edgar, “It’s entirely acceptable behavior for a prisoner to attempt escape, is it not?” The changeling reveled in the faint but existent irritation that became visible on Twilight’s face.

“While technically so, it is not the preferred behavior, and it is also acceptable behavior for us to try and stop you.” Edgar’s smile broadened to the point where his interrogator could seen nearly every one of his hideous teeth.

“Keyword: try.”

Twilight didn’t reply. She instead stood up from her chair and sighed. The changeling’s sickening smile remained as he watched her exit the room, followed by the rest of her companions. It faded, however, when he realized the last pony to leave was the lumbering beast of a stallion. Edgar glared nervously at the pony, who leered at him with a menacing scowl. After what seemed to be an eternity, the brute turned and slowly skulked out of the room, casting one last glance over his shoulder as he disappeared.

The Wild-Stallion of Whitetail Wood

A lone unicorn walked along the long, crooked dirt road that ran through Whitetail Wood as the sun peeked over the treetops. She was unable to enjoy the serenity and stillness of the morning forest due to the perpetual clunking and rattling of the wagon behind her. The walls shook subtly with each turn of the wheels, producing a low clatter. Coupled with the faint squeak of the front axel, it made quite a racket when traveling alone in a quiet wood.

Though the noise became incredibly annoying at such times, the unicorn couldn’t complain. It had been built exactly to her design, right down to the placement of each nail and screw. She hadn’t built it herself of course, but had commissioned a carpenter in Hoofington to complete the project. Though he had concerns about several flaws in her plans, she refused to change a single thing. In the end she had gotten her way, as she always did.

Of course, because she had gotten her way, the cart was far more complex than it needed to be. The mechanisms that allowed it to unfold into a stage had a habit of springing back into place during shows, and reduced maneuverability of the front axel to the point where the unicorn could barely make a turn. Also, at her insistence, the walls, floor, and roof were constructed entirely out of solid oak. The resulting weight often caused the cart to sink into the muddy roads when it rained, making travel nearly impossible.

But she had still gotten her way, so despite having to lug around an expensive, faulty, and ludicrously heavy wagon, the Great and Powerful Trixie was satisfied.

However, there were other aspects of her life that she found unsatisfactory. She pondered them as she continued through the wood, searching for an answer that she was certain her brilliant intellect would eventually conjure. Her livelihood as a magician was the most pressing of these concerns. Trixie was still certain she was the greatest magician in all of Equestria, but for some reason her act wasn’t drawing quite so much attention as it used to. It was baffling to her. Even though the unicorn acknowledged she put a blemish on her reputation due to the Alicorn Amulet incident, Trixie thought that such a small misstep would have been forgotten by now.

The wagon suddenly gave a sharp shudder as it came to a halt. Trixie stood right before it, frozen in her harness. Her ears were thrust straight up as they caught the sound of the ruckus that lay only a short distance ahead. The mare’s eyes grew wide, her face donning a look of something halfway between curiosity and fear. The noise she heard was a mixture of several sounds--One being a deep, coarse voice that let out strained grunts and groans. There was a scuffling sound as well, as if the owner of the voice as struggling. Whatever it was fighting against smacked and sucked grotesquely.

It took only moments for Trixie to piece together what she was hearing, as it had happened to her cart several times. Someone was stuck in the mud.

******

Tarpan once again kicked his way to the overhanging roots, making a futile grab with his mud-caked hoof. It missed and fell back into the cold, black muck with a splat, sending gobs of soil into his face. The Neighanderthal gritted his muddied teeth and glared at the network of twisting tendrils. His frustration still burned strong, but was slowly giving way to fearful defeat. Tarpan knew and dreaded what would happen if he failed to escape. The muck around him suddenly seemed much colder as he remembered a pit of hot, sticky black stuff that lay at the foot of his tribe’s mountain. The bones of all sorts of creatures poked out of the sinister goop, pony skeletons among them.

The stallion impulsively tensed up for another attempt. He looked up to the roots and kicked, sending his body upwards. He felt the muck pull at his sides and drag him back down before he could even get a hold of the lowest one. With a suckering squelch the Neighanderthal fell forwards. Tarpan grimaced as he sunk up to his torso, shuddering as his hooves were sucked deep into the chilly earth.

“Hello?…”

Tarpan would have reared up in surprise if he had been able to. Instead he only managed to throw his head back, looking wildly around for the source of the voice. Even if he hadn’t known what it had said, the sound of another pony would have brought joy to him. It was close, he could tell, almost near the edge of the pit. The Neighanderthal began to cry out wildly. In his excitement he had forgotten the language of the Southlanders, and shouted in his own tongue.

Though in a dialect that hadn’t been heard in thousands of years, Tarpan’s words were enough to bring the pony running. A euphoric grin spread out across his muzzle as he heard hoof beats rushing over the ground to the pit. In another moment he saw an azure head poke out from the edge of the hole. It was the head of a horned mare, who stared down at him with a pair of wide magenta eyes.

******

Trixie blankly peered at the mud-covered pony at the bottom of the pit. The magician slowly cocked her head to one side as she saw him smile at her, her face scrunching up into a hesitant frown. There was something a little…off, about this pony but she wasn’t quite sure what it was.

“Um…Hello,” the mare said at last. The stallion below let out a sigh of relief, and then spouted off some of the unusual gibberish Trixie had heard moments before. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was a language, as to her it sounded like a series of rough grunts and whinnies. She came to the quick conclusion that it was not, because if it was she was certain that a pony as clever as she would at least be able to understand of the stallion’s garbling.

“Can you understand me?” she asked, slowly and carefully. The answer came surprisingly fast, with the stallion nodding vigorously. Trixie raised an eyebrow. The stallion, while apparently unable to speak Equestrian, could understand it. This seemed very unusual to Trixie, and for a few moments she just stared at the filthy pony. In those few moments, the unicorn reached another conclusion. She came upon it when she noticed the unusual features of the stallion; his wild, unkempt mane, his thick, shaggy coat, his inability to speak, and the fact that he was wallowing in a mud pit in a desolate forest…

Trixie realized that she had found a wild-stallion.

In her career as a traveling magician, Trixie had occasionally come across sideshows featuring wild-stallions, many of them from Borneigho. Their origins varied; some were abandoned as foals and raised by Timberwolves, others were once-normal ponies gone feral. They tended to attract a lot of attention, sometimes even more attention than her own marvelous show. What was even better was that with such attention, the exhibitors often accumulated a hefty sum of bits…

A smile slowly grew across Trixie’s muzzle as she looked down at the opportunity before her, her eyes lighting up with an eager twinkle.

“Excuse me,” she said, trying to contain the excitement in her voice, “But do you, ah…need some help getting out of there?” Again, the stallion nodded. Trixie’s smile turned into a beaming grin. “Alright, please hold on. I’ll be back shortly.”

The azure mare suddenly whirled around and giddily sprinted back to her cart. A gleeful giggle escaped her lips as she contemplated her future. Her own amazing abilities would still astound audiences for the most part, but the addition of the wild-stallion would give her something fresh to work with.

Of course Trixie knew that there would be necessary expenses in caring for the wild-stallion. He would need a proper cage--every wild-stallion Trixie had ever seen lived in a cage as they were generally unsafe, but until she had one she was confident that her own power would be enough to subdue him if he ever lifted a hoof against her. Besides, he’d seemed agreeable enough from what she’d seen, and as a bonus he understood Equestrian. That alone would make him even more amazing than the average wild-stallion.

The azure mare continued to ponder all the possibilities of her discovery as she reached her wagon, scrambling up the steps and throwing open the door.

“Rope,” she murmured under her breath as she dashed inside, “Rope, rope, rope…” Trixie began to dig through the cluttered mess of her cart, sorting through piles of silk handkerchiefs, trick cards, and other various props that were bunched up against the walls. The floorboards creaked beneath her hooves as she dashed back and forth. The mare left no compartment closed as she searched. She popped open trunks and pulled drawers out of her dresser, reaching inside and scouring for anything long and braided.

The mare yelped as she suddenly flopped face forward onto the floor, landing with a muffled thud atop the bundled curtain of her stage. Quite a few obscenities flew out of her mouth as she rose up to her hooves and turned to sneer at whatever had tripped her. Trixie’s ireful glare softened as she laid eyes upon a jumbled coil half-hidden beneath the curtain.

A gleeful cry of victory sounded off as a blue blur shot out of the wagon, a tangled rope dragging behind it.

******

Tarpan once again heard the sound of a pony approaching, its hoof beats drumming rapidly on the ground. In another moment he saw the face of the blue mare, her horn aglow with a soft, pinkish light the color of her eyes. Hovering next to her was a knotted mass of cord, enveloped in the same aura. The Neighanderthal watched as it began to writhe and wiggle as if it were alive, the countless twists and turns trying to undo themselves. The mare stared at it with a fierce concentration, occasionally giving quick glances down at him.

“Fear not, wild-stallion,” she announced, “The Great and Powerful Trixie shall soon have you out of there!” She turned her attention back to the rope, which seemed to be growing more unruly and tangled the longer she worked with it. “Yes,” she said, sweat forming on her brow as tried to undo a particularly troublesome knot, “In mere moments, she shall free you! Won’t that be wonderful?”

Tarpan could only nod his head again. Though he could again remember the words of the southlanders, his throat had grown dry in his nightlong struggle against the mud, and speaking the language was difficult to begin with. He would have to find some other way to thank his rescuer, as well as this ‘Trixie’ she spoke of. At least until he had something to drink.