I'm not touching you... I'm not touching you!
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I'm not touching you... I'm not touching you!
After falling into Equestria through a portal that had formed in his breakfast porridge bowl, He still didn’t get how that was possible and neither do I so just go with it, he’d been here for nearly a year now. As is customary for any one-way ticket taking travelers through interdimensional boundaries, Anon cried like a little, baby filly that had lost its dolly. I swear he was so emo and edgy you could grate cheese on his skin, or maybe that was because he didn’t bathe for a full sdtwjevwe STOP IT aenaaqjwxcjiuwe ANON! Get your fingers off of that!
Now look what you did! You know that these dictaquills are delicate things and this is what’s going to be the only copy. I was not being mean I was simply stating facts, you were that edgy. Ugh, fine, I’ll try to be less salty with it. Sensitive prick.
Eh hem, now where was I, oh yes. After his mental break down in the beginning… Stop pouting Anon it makes you look like water starved fish… He came to except that this was going to be his new home and that he’d try to make the best of it. Luckily for him, he had some skills that helped him get him a cushy job that required almost no effort at all, unlike us hard working commoner ponies.
Anon my friend, you’re Celestia’s secretary, you’re a pencil pusher. I can’t think of a more cushy job other than royal masseuses and with a pair of royal cushions like that to mass... *Cough* Heh heh, moving right along.
He helps the Princesses keep track of their day to day dealings in court, helps with their schedule and makes sure to inform them of any and all appointments they have. As the months went by he slowly became accustomed to living here in Equestria and came to make quite a few friends here in his new hometown of Canterlot.
There he met his best friend the talented, handsome, rugged, suave, sexy, somepony the mares can’t resist… It was one time Anon and she only bit one of them. I still have the scar and you promised to never bring that up again.
*Huff* Without further interruptions from blue balls over there… Not my fault you can get any Anon. CRACK! OOOWWWW! Not the Finger Flick of DOOM!! Okay, okay, OKAAAAY I’ll do it right! Sheesh have a litter of kittens why don’t ya.
Anyway, things were looking up for our displaced human but sadly all good things must come to an end. Or perfectly fine buildings get flipped onto their roofs to be more accurate. Discord, the spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, had broken free of his prison, which was conveniently in the Canterlot royal gardens instead of buried deep, deep in Tartarus where no one would ever find it.
Anon, you can not tell me you didn’t question the intelligence of that choice so don’t even try. Never said you questioned it out loud *grin*. I wonder how the princess would feel if she knew you think her choices are stupid. Oh fine, I promise I won’t tell. I am not doing that! Those are still the most ridiculous set of motions for a promise ever. NO, I’m not doing it! CRACK! AH! ALRIGHT! Cross my heart and hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye, there you happy!?
Anyway, Discord broke free and started running rampant in Canterlot. The Princesses summoned the bearers of the Elements of Harmony to try and stop him. I was lucky, or unlucky depending on your viewpoint, to be visiting with Anon in the castle when Discord struck and stayed there till they arrived.
Anon and I were in the throne room when they burst in and Celestia started explaining what was going on. I won’t lie I was terrified of Discord, he freaked me out. Oh don’t look so smug Anon, you were scared too. Yes, you were! I saw your legs shaking.
So anyway, when Celestia brought out the chest containing the Elements and opened it to reveal...nothing… I can safely say everypony and our single human resident was extremely scared. Then Discord had to show up and bring the creepy along with him. Okay, Anon, you tell me how he can be a Reptile, a Mammal, a Fish and an Avian all in one despite them being completely different species that can’t mate between them. yeah, that look of horrific understanding on your face tells me all I need to know.
So Creeper Mc`Creepy shows up and starts making everybody uncomfortable. Yeah he’s an okay stallion now but Anon, he slid under me like a snake. It was not pleasant to have scales rub against my junk dude. Anyway, Discord says he’s hidden the Elements and that they have to play his game to get them back.
Everypony else was planning on going along with it until Smart guy over here decides that ain’t gonna fly.
“I have a better Idea.” He says getting everypony's attention. Yes you did sound like that Anon. Not my fault you sound like a rasping cat underwater when you’re scared. Now that Discord was looking at us *Shiver* bad memory, He quirked an eyebrow in curiosity.
“Well if it isn’t everyone's most used human, Anon. I’m surprised you’re here, most writers don’t want to poke the sleeping beast that is Anon haters.” None of us got what the buck he was talking about so we just ignored it. Anon swallowed and stepped forward in challenge.
“I challenge you Discord!” he proclaimed, getting more than a few looks of ‘are you insane?’ from everypony in the room. Discord smiled widely, a picture that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days.
“A challenge you say, well this is interesting. And what makes you think I’ll accept this challenge? I’m holding all the cards here.” He pulled up the fur on left arm revealing bone and letting playing cards fall out. I was almost sick after that.
“You just said the reason, you have nothing to lose. So why would you not accept my challenge, too afraid to lay the cards on the table and see if yours beat mine?” I was stunned at the number of balls Anon had to even talk to Discord, let alone dis him. It’s a compliment dude take it and smile.
Discord frowned and floated over and staring Anon in the face.
“I’m Discord, the spirit of Chaos, I’m not afraid of anything.” He declared. Anon actually smirked at that. You did dude, and when you smirk shit hits the fan big time.
“I’m not convinced, what with you being part chicken and all,” Anon said gesturing to Discords left arm. You could’ve heard a pin drop with the silence that followed. The shock on Discord’s face quickly shifted to highly annoyed.
“It’s a griffin’s claw idiot.” He hissed as his lion's paw clenched in anger. Anon just smirked in return. huh, dude looking back on it now, I can totally say this without any doubt, the reason you don’t get any tail is that you get off from dancing with death. CRACK! OW!OW!OW!OW! NOT THE HORN! Damit Anon one of these days I’m gonna kick you in the balls till they break. Sheesh.
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s a chicken scratcher,” Anon said grinning like a lunatic. Discords anger lit an actual fire in his eyes and Anon just had to throw oil on the flames.
“Buck-buck-buck-ack!” He made chicken noises at Discords face. I was sure you were gonna die right then and there Anon. Discord sucked in a breath through clenched teeth.
“I accept your Challenge you insect, what are your terms?” he hissed and glared daggers at Anon who had to duck so he wasn’t skewered by the flying, sharp, pointy pieces of metal.
“If I win, you must return everything you’ve changed and messed with to their original states and agree to be resealed in stone never to antagonize Equestria again,” Anon stated sharply. Discord Scoffed and crossed his arms.
“And if I win?” He asked Anon who took a deep breath before replying.
“You will be free to cause as much chaos as you please without fear of being resealed or stopped.” You know Anon, I never thought white fur could get paler but princess Celestia proved me wrong on that belief. Yeah, it was that bad Anon, why do you think she put you in the dog house, collar with attached leash and all, for an entire month after that?
Discord gave a smug smile and before anypony could protest,
“Deal.” He said and stuck out his lion's paw. Anon grabbed it and shook it in agreement. But Anon wouldn’t be Anon if he didn’t go one step beyond crazy and into the realms of just plain broken. Stepping back with a grand sweeping gesture he said loudly.
“I Anonymous, inter-dimensional traveler and secretary of the Sun Weaver, Princess Celestia, do challenge you, Discord, Spirit of Chaos…” He paused to ham it up a bit as he always does. You do Anon, you’re a bit of an attention hog. The bearers and Princesses actually started leaning forward in anticipation and, much to my embarrassment so did I.
“To see who can be more annoying!” Anon declared loudly. Everypony, including me, face planted on the floor in shock and confusion. Even Discord looked confused before he started laughing his head off like a madman.
“You would challenge me, Discord, to a battle of annoyance?! PFFT-HAHAHA!” He fell to the ground, in pieces, as he laughed himself to bits. Anon just stood there waiting for Discord to stop laughing with a serious look on his face. Looking back I should have known you’d have had a fair chance of winning that kind of challenge. I had only known you for seven months and I knew how annoying you could be if you put your mind to it. You followed me around for a week while I worked asking me ‘are you free now?’ constantly after I’d lied about not being able to help you that one time. Don’t look so smug about that! It’s not a compliment Anon.
Anyway, Discords laughter petered out and he put himself back together. His smile lessened slightly when he saw the look of total confidence on Anon’s face.
“You’re serious?” Discord asked and from what I could tell he was genuinely confused. Anon just smirk.
“No, my names Anon.” He replied. I still have no idea what you meant by that but I always get the feeling like I should smack you upside the head for even saying it. Discord understood it and just gave Anon a deadpan stare that screamed, no joke his face actually screamed, ‘moron’. Discord floated back into the air before he spoke.
“The rules?” He asked. I wasn’t aware at the time but this was a legitimate challenge and since Anon was the challenger he set the rules and boundaries of the challenge.
“Rule one: We are only allowed to target each other, no bystanders are to be intentionally drawn into this challenge. If they get caught up in it by accident that’s on them.” Anon said getting a nod from Discord.
“Rule two: Nothing physical is allowed against your opponent so no changing my form, tickling me with feathers or anything physical. This includes mental manipulation and possession so don’t even try those. Will you abide by these rules?” Anon asked and Discord huffed and waved dismissive claw at him.
“Yes yes, I will follow these pesky rules of yours.” Discord concede but Anon didn't buy it.
“Swear of Chaos itself that you will follow these rules.” Discords head snapped forward at that with a flash of shock before he schooled his features into a passing attempt at puppy dog eyes.
“Why Anon, don’t you trust me?” Discord said, tears starting to form in his eyes. Lucky anon has a heart of solid stone and doesn't feel anything like love and kindness at all. CRACK! ARRGH! Stop that!
All Discord got as a flat look from Anon.
“Tsk, fine you un-trusting, self-insert placeholder. I swear on Chaos that I will follow your *urp* your rules, blergh.” Discord turned an unhealthy shade of green. Anon nodded in acceptance and made a vow of his own.
“I promise I will follow these rules, Cross my heart and hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye.” He said and went through the motions. I still say those are the dumbest motions for a promise but nopony listens to what I say. Oh, go suck an egg you ass.
“The only way to win is for your opponent to ask you to stop and the one who holds out the longest is the winner,” Anon said.
“Since I challenged you, you have the privilege to go first,” Anon said before turning to the princesses and asked them to start this challenge off. They were very reluctant but Anon convinced them to. You only had to bribe them with two months worth of petting, belly rubs, and ear scratches when even they wanted them. I still say you were shortchanged Anon. They could have let you bang them at least once. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! ARRRGH! NO STOP! THAT DOESN’T GO THAT WAAHHH!!
Okay... I’m back and will continue with this tale *flinches at the glare he’s getting* and try not to add anything suggestive anymore. Dude, it’s me, you know I can’t promise to otherwise I wouldn’t be me. So, me trying not to is the best you’re gonna get.
“This challenge set forth by Anonymous shall now… Begin!” Celestia declared and we all waited with bated breath. It was dead quiet, nothing and nopony made a sound. Till Anon slapped himself on the side of the head… hard. Discord just smiled as Anon glared at him.
“I said nothing physical Discord,” Anon growled. The walking patchwork quilt just scoffed.
“I’m not doing anything Anon. I haven’t touched you in any shape or form... Those mosquitos that really loves the taste of your earwax, however, now that’s a different story altogether.” His smiled innocently but it didn’t reach his eyes. Discord had found a loophole. Stop grumbling Anon. He got one up on you at that time, big deal. You more than made up for it when it was your turn so quit complaining.
Anon put up with two and a half hours of Discord's tricks and a lot of them made use of the loophole in the rules he’d found. Like creating a monkey that would poke Anon in the cheek at random intervals, or the gnat’s that went up in his nose or in his eyes, or the sink that wouldn’t stop dripping and it went on and on.
I was more concerned with the rest of us as we had forgotten to take precautions that Anon had allowed us and had to deal with all Discord's annoyances along with anon. I had to deal with sand stuck in my plot crack. Stop laughing! It wasn’t funny Anon. You try accidentally walking into a swarm of gnats that crave snot, tears, and earwax like Twilight did and then you can tell me it’s funny. Celestia had it the worst though. Discord was crafty, he’d made you a cake to tempt you because you’d commented on being really hungry and she just dove into it. How was she to know it was ghost pepper and kerosene flavored. Blegh. Your rule was all about intent and he intends that cake for you, Princess Celestia’s cake addiction just got the better of her. Damn, he was tricky.
That was such a small sample of what Discord had done before Anon crumpled. Honestly, I was impressed he’d lasted so long. Still am. It still amazes me that you could sit through the show he played you… that ‘Brady Bunch Reunion’ and not go insane. Props to you dude. Discord laughed as Anon lay panting on the floor his clothes barely hanging on by threads from the screaming foals he’d picked on him not long ago.
“I must say I’m impressed Anon, you lasted far longer than I ever thought possible. I do hope you see that you have no chance to beat me at my own game.” Discord said smugly as he lounged in a squealing, pig-shaped ham-mock. *Snort* don’t give me that look, I may not like him that much but that was kind of clever.
Anon shakily got to his feet taking several deep breaths to steady himself. Casting a glare a Discord he turned and looked at Pinkie Pie, one of the other few ponies he’d befriended. I still don’t know how you deal with her. I can only take her in small doses and then only bi-weekly.
“Pinkie, I need you to distribute ear protection to you and the other ponies here. Discord wants to play rough, I’m gonna have to bring out the big guns.” Pinkie’s eyes widen in what I can only describe as pure fear.
“A-anon, you can’t use THAT… You know how dangerous it is?” She asked him and he just nodded in agreement. Discord actually slightly worried for a split second before dismissing it as a bluff.
“I have no choice Pinkie, please... Do as I ask.” Anon said. His voice determined and strong. Pinkie reluctantly nods her head and whips out heavy duty earmuffs and earplugs for all of us. There was one problem though and it was rainbow colored.
“Nothing can be as bad as what Discord just did and I’m not wearing those dorky earmuffs.” Rainbow groused as Pinkie tried to give her a pair of frilly, pink princess earmuffs. In Rainbow’s defense I wouldn’t be caught dead with those things on either but… Considering what happened after… Maybe. Stop looking so smug you bastard.
No matter what pinkie tried Rainbow would put them on so Anon told Pinkie to just let rainbow do what she please stating ‘it’s her choice and that maybe this will teach her how to listen’. Rainbow nearly blew a gasket after that but she was held down before she could kill him.
“Good luck Anon,” I told him as I placed my earplugs in. All outside sound was blocked off. All I could hear was my heart beating in my ear. Anon nodded to me and said something to Rainbow which she seemed to quickly get angry at, causing the spirit of disharmony to laugh. Anon sighed and took a deep breath and started… skipping? I couldn't hear what he was saying but I could see he was skipping, dancing, and just moving like an all-around goofball.
Anon you can’t dance. What you do isn’t even close to dancing’s fourth cousin from its mother’s third brother that was twice removed. Dude, you made epilepsy to music that Twilight does look like ballet. Walking around during an earthquake is closer to dancing than what you do. What you do is CRACK! AHHH! Okay, I get it, no more dancing comparisons. She still can't dance. CRACK!! AAAAHHHH!
I don’t know what he was saying but after ten minutes it was having a profound effect on Rainbow at the very least. She was trying to clamp her ears to the side of her head and screaming something but I couldn’t hear a damn thing. I was happy I couldn’t because after twenty minutes even Discord was doing whatever he could to block out what Anon was saying.
Discord stuffed his ears with cotton candy, clamped them in a vice, I think he even locked himself inside a sound deprivation chamber but Anon just started knocking on it and a few moments later Discord exploded out of the thing.
The rest of us just watched in awe as whatever the fuck Anon was doing was turning Discord, and Rainbow Dash by facsimile into a blubbering mess in record time.
“MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!” Even though I had earplugs I heard Discord's Screech of misery as he ran away from Anon who just skipped after him with a shit eating grin. Rainbow by this point was sitting at a table repeatedly slamming her head into the wooden piece of furniture. Her eyes were dead and drool was leaking out of the corner of her mouth. It was Gods. Damn. Terrifying.
I saw Anon pause at Discord’s scream for a few seconds. I can’t well enough describe the look of hope that flashed over his face before Anon crushed it like a bug beneath his shoe when he started whatever he was doing up again. Discord screamed and made a mad dash over to Princess Celestia. The princess flinched back until she noticed Discord was curled into a ball, clinging at her hooves and weeping his eyes out.
In a flash of light the Elements of Harmony all appeared in the chest they should have been in, startling us. The princesses and the bearers kept looking between the weeping Discord and the returned Elements with complete disbelief.
Wanting to know what was going on we all glanced at Anon and he motioned to take the earplugs and muffs off. Doing so we now could here what Discord was pleading.
“..a bird bath for the rest of eternity, no better yet make me the birds personal toilet it’s far better than this! Please, I’m begging you! If you have any mercy in your heart stone me right now and end my torment. Just please don’t make me have to listen to… to… HIM anymore.” Discord blubbered and pleaded. Celestia could only dumbly nod her head and levitate the Elements to their respective bearers. A few minutes later, giving Rainbow’s brain time to come back from wherever her it had fled to, there was a new stone statue of Discord.
A few days after the events Princess Celestia and Luna had held a celebration for Anon and praised him for defeating Discord and saving Equestria and then proceeded to shove you in the doghouse for being reckless *Snicker*. He was given quite a hefty sum of Bits, more than a small fortune, a medal and his own stained glass window in the Hall of History. Still think they should have at least given you a blowjob. CRACK! OOOOWWWW!
I let my magic drop the dictaquill and clutch my aching horn in my hooves as I glare at my grumpy best friend.
“Dude do you know how much that hurts?” I growl at him he just gives me a flat stare.
“No, and I don’t care. Stop implicating that the princesses should have sex with me. I’m in a relationship already and it’s not going to happen.” Anon’s look brokered no argument. I huffed in annoyance and crossed my forelegs.
“I still don’t see how you two got together. You couldn’t stand each other in the beginning. You complained about her asking so many questions.” I said. Anon just shrugged.
“She grew on me and she’s adorable.” I snort in amusement.
“I believe you mean a-dork-able.” I snigger but it dies young as I see Anon’s fingers curling into a recognizable configuration.
“O-or we could go with adorable, yeah that works too.” I hastily amend my sentence and the dreaded FINGER FLICK of DOOM, and it shall remain capitalized, goes back to its slumber. I sigh in relief and twist my had around and do a quick once-over of what had been written. I felt I shouldn’t but I was too curious.
“Hey, Anon?” He hummed his acknowledgment.
“What was it you did to Discord anyway?” I was met with silence so I felt I should explain my reasoning.
“I mean, I saw what it was capable of but I could never figure out what it was you did not matter how much I tried.” I was met with silence once again. Growing nervous I turned around in my swivel chair to see Anon staring at me with the most serious face I’d ever seen in my life.
“You’re my best friend so I’m not going to lie to you. I’ll just ask what I asked Rainbow that day…” He paused. The air around us seems to grow heavier and thicker like a soup. I felt my heart pound like a jackhammer turned up to eleven. Anon’s eyes bored into my very soul, trying to see if I was worthy.
“You really want to know?” He asked. I couldn’t speak so I just nodded.
“You really really want to know?” I nodded again.
“You sure you really want to know?” I was getting slightly annoyed now and it allowed me to speak.
“Yes.”
“You sure you really really want to know?” This was getting ridiculous.
“Yes, I’m reeeeally sure I want to know,” I said drawing out the real way more than needed.
“Are you really sure you’re really really sure about you wanting to know?” I just lost it.
“JUST BUCKING TELL ME ALREADY ANON!” I panted a bit in frustration. Anon simply nodded.
“Alright.”
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I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERY BODIES NERVES! EVERY BODIES NERVES! EVERY BODIES NERVES!
Author's Note
I was a bit drunk when I wrote this I will freely admit that. 
I hope you all enjoy my spark of insanity and don't forget,
Evil, always finds a way.
