Steady Hoof the Murderous Mare
Steady Hoof was anything but steady. She was also not a psychopathic killer who was going to start rampaging around Canterlot in the next few seconds. She was somewhere between, which to be honest, was quite a bit of distance to cover.
Although the psychopath in her was getting far too close to the surface the longer she waited.
Steady Hoof took in a deep, shaky breath while she repeatedly tapped her hoof on the chair she had been sitting on since she arrived. She glanced at the clock again for the third time in ten seconds. It still wasn't going any quicker than the last time she had checked. She grimaced and pressed down on her hoof with her free one. All that did was make her wings begin twitching.
The receptionist sitting behind a large wooden desk looked up at Steady over the top of her glasses. Her mouth creased in a slight frown. "Relax. You're starting to make me nervous. He's not going to bite. There's nothing to be afraid of."
"Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm totally relaxing." Steady Hoof let out a nervous chuckle. "Yeah. I'm... working on it. I've never really done this before. I mean... kind of. Not like this."
"He's a therapist, Miss Hoof, not an executioner."
"Eep! Oh... executioner..." Steady Hoof's giggle became more high pitched. "Right. No executioners here. Totally not. For sure. You're right." She nodded vigorously. "Yes."
The receptionist raised an eyebrow but didn't comment further. She leaned back in her chair and resumed reading the romance novel she'd been flipping through earlier. Steady Hoof took another deep breath and once more glanced at the clock. It still wasn't moving any faster.
"So, um, are other ponies this nervous before seeing a therapist? Because I can totally see why that might be. You know. Pouring your heart out to a stranger..." Steady Hoof spun her hoof in thought. "Like, have you ever done it? I think it's probably a requirement to be a receptionist for one. You know, you'd have to let ponies know what they're in for so the best way to do that is to have a few sessions your--"
"I'm just here to make appointments and keep the waiting room running," the receptionist said, peering at Steady Hoof over her glasses again. “I have never been to a therapist before, if you must know. I'm really just waiting for Doctor Thoughts to come see you so I can clock out and go home for the day."
"Oh, yeah! Totally! You should. I hope he gets here soon just for that. You've probably had a long day and you want to get home and take a bath and have some wine and go back to that novel you're reading."
The receptionist's frown deepened. "Yeah. I'm definitely looking forward to going back to my novel."
"Oh. Oh! Sorry!" Steady Hoof tapped the side of her head. "I'll just keep quiet now. And focus on relaxing. So you can too." Steady Hoof's wings twitched. "Relaxed. Totally relaxed. No nervousness from me." Steady Hoof nodded and turned her head to the side to prevent herself from looking at the clock again. "Totally serene. Yeah."
The side door to the room opened and a middle-aged gray stallion with a salt-and-pepper mane walked in. He smiled at Steady and beckoned to her. "Come on back. I'm ready for you."
Steady Hoof shot out of her seat, stumbling to the point where she would have fallen over if it weren't for using her wings. She stood still to reorient herself for a few moments, then nodded and walked over to Doctor Thoughts. He chuckled at her and extended a hoof to shake.
"A little clumsy today, are we?"
Steady Hoof blushed and looked down at the ground as Doctor Thoughts led her to a side room. She took one last glance back at the waiting room and saw the receptionist stand up, slide the book into her saddlebag, and walk out of the room. Steady Hoof quietly chucked to herself. She had been ready to leave.
Doctor Thoughts reached a doorway at the end of the hallway and opened it up, standing aside so Steady could go in. She nodded in thanks and walked into the room, standing in the middle and waiting as Doctor Thoughts followed her and shut the door.
"Please..." He motioned to a couch beside the door. "Sit."
"Oh, yeah." Steady Hoof rushed over to the couch and plopped down on it. Doctor Thoughts sat down on a slightly overstuffed but not uncomfortable looking armchair. He grabbed a clipboard and pen sitting on a small table beside him.
"Well now, I suppose introductions are in order before we begin. I'm Doctor Happy Thoughts and you, I'm told, are Steady Hoof."
Steady nodded. "Yep. That's me."
"Good. Now, what seems to be the problem, Miss Hoof? What can I help you with today?"
"Um... so, before we start... anything I say in here is confidential, right? I think I saw that in a movie once." Steady Hoof's ear twitched at the rhythmic sound of a ticking clock.
"Yes, I cannot divulge any information that is shared here, Miss Hoof. You did hear that right. However, that does change a little if I feel that you may be a danger to yourself or others. I want to make sure that ponies are safe, after all.”
“Oh yeah, of course.” Steady forced a smile on her face and shook her head. “That’s not me, though. No, no, that’s ridiculous.”
“I hope so. That doesn't answer my question, though." He motioned to her. "What's on your mind?"
"I dunno. My parents told me to come here. They were getting kind of concerned with everything going on with me.” She paused and shuffled in her seat. “Well, I guess the big thing I’ve been thinking about is my cutie mark." Steady Hoof grimaced and twisted her head to look down at it. "They agree that it's kind of been a little bit of a problem."
"Hmm. Ponies quite often have issues regarding what their marks mean and what they can do with them." Doctor Thoughts looked over to Steady Hoof's flank and frowned. "Er... what is it?"
"It's a bloody chef's knife leaning against a bloody rock," Steady Hoof said through gritted teeth. "I'm sure you can see why that might be an issue for me."
"Perhaps. Are you having trouble finding gainful employment with it?"
"Gah, no!" Steady Hoof began tapping the couch again. "No, no, I have a job! I can't really stop it!"
"Well what is it? Are you an undertaker, perhaps?"
"No, no." Steady Hoof groaned and put her head in her hooves. "I guess I should start with my cutie mark story. That should help you figure out why it's a bit of a problem. It all started when I was a filly..."
* * * *
"Tag, you're it!"
Steady Hoof giggled and flitted a few meters into the air. "No fair! I wasn't ready, Windy!"
Wind Chaser stuck out her tongue and took a few steps back. "You're just going to have to catch me!"
Steady Hoof swiped at Wind Chaser with a hoof, hitting nothing but air as the other filly landed and began running away. "I'm gonna getcha!" Steady cried, chasing after her with her hoof outstretched.
"No you're not! No you're not!"
Wind snatched a ball she passed by and threw it back at Steady Hoof. It collided with the side of her head, sending her flying back. She slid a few meters back and glared at Wind.
"Hey come on! That's not fair!"
Wind blew a raspberry back at Steady Hoof. "Says who?" She picked up the ball with a nasty grin. "In fact..." She threw it once more, clipping Steady's ear.
"Ow! That hurt!" Steady whined. "Stop that! That's not how to play tag!"
Wind Chaser shrugged and flew over Steady Hoof to grab the ball again. "Well it could be. Our moms said that I'm in charge 'cause I'm older so I get to decide how to play. So..." She hurled the ball as hard as she could toward Steady's head. Steady squeaked and swiped her hoof, batting the ball aside. Wind dove to grab it, but it went through her outstretched hooves and into the nearby woods where it bounced out of sight.
"Oops," Steady Hoof muttered.
Wind Chaser bared her teeth and whirled around. "Are you kidding me? Now look at what you did!"
"Sorry, sorry," Steady Hoof said, pushing herself to her hooves. "I'll go get it!"
Wind Chaser growled and began flying in the direction the ball had gone. "No, you'd probably mess that up too."
"How am I gonna mess up getting a ball?" Steady asked, running after Wind. "It just bounced over there!"
Steady flew after Wind, who looked back at her and rolled her eyes. "Stop! I’ll get it!" The two fillies landed next to the ball, which had bounced a few meters into the forest. Steady reached down to grab it, but was pushed out of the way by Wind Chaser, sending her stumbling back. "I told you I got it!"
Steady stood up and glared at Wind. "You're being really mean!"
Wind Chaser scoffed and rolled her eyes again. "Yeah, yeah. We have the ball again, so..." Wind Chaser's grin turned nasty once more, and she hurled the ball straight at Steady's head. "Tag!"
"Ow!" Steady whined. "Stoppit!"
"Make me," Wind Chaser said, catching the ball when it bounced back. "Ta--"
"I said stoppit!" Steady cried. She flared out her wings and pushed off, flying straight toward Wind as fast as she could. She collided with the other filly and they both went flying. Steady landed on Wind Chaser, and the force of the landing sent her bouncing off. She flared out her wings to try to slow her descent, and angled them so she merely slid on the ground instead of fully impacting on it.
Either way, her bell got rung pretty good.
"Grm. Ug. Buhhh," Steady Hoof groaned, slowly pushing herself up. She hissed at the pain coursing through her head, and she took a moment to rub the sore spot until the aching went away. "Ug. 'M sorry, Windy. Didn't mean to hit you that hard." Steady's legs shook as she stood up, and she even felt a trickle of blood slowly drip down the side of her head. "You okay, Windy?"
No answer.
"W-Windy?" Steady Hoof walked over to Wind Chaser, who wasn't moving. She just laid there, splayed out on the ground with one of her forelegs jutting out at an odd angle. Steady Hoof grimaced and slowly walked over to see Wind Chaser's face. "Are you okay?"
"C-can't move," Wind whispered. Her jaw wobbled and she sniffled a little. "Can't feel anything."
"Oh." Steady looked at Wind's body and her eyes widened when she saw that a rock was jutting out of the ground right at Wind's neck. Steady gasped and plopped down, putting her hooves over her mouth. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! You're gonna be okay Windy, just..." She squeaked and stood back up. "Just..."
"You're gonna get in so much trouble," Wind growled before taking in a deep, shaky breath. "You're gonna get thrown in jail and your parents aren't gonna love you anymore and everypony's gonna hate you!"
"No!" Steady whimpered, her jaw wobbling. "It was an accident!"
"You tackled me on purpose." Tears began falling from the side of Wind's eyes. "Princess Celestia is probably gonna put you in jail herself."
"B-but I didn't mean to!"
"I wanna go home," Wind whimpered. She took another breath and glared at Steady again. "I'm gonna tell them everything."
“But you were the one who was really mean! You kept throwing the ball at me!”
“Nopony will believe that. You’re gonna be in so much trouble that you’re never gonna see ponies again! I’ll tell them that--”
A cracking noise echoed through the woods as Steady Hoof slammed a rock down on Wind's head. Steady whimpered and tears streamed down her face, but she raised the rock one more time and brought it down as hard as she could.
Then everything was silent.
Steady Hoof tossed the rock aside and put her head in her hooves. She sobbed once and wiped her eyes.
"Oh no. Oh no," she whimpered.
Before Steady could do anything else, she saw a flash of bright white light out of the corner of her eye. Her breath died in her throat, and she slowly turned her head to look at her flank. She flinched back when she saw her brand new cutie mark. A bloody chef's knife leaning against a bloody rock. She quietly gasped and put her hooves up to her mouth.
"Oh no."
* * * *
Steady sighed and looked over to Doctor Thoughts. His mouth flopped up and down like a fish, and his pen and notepad had long since fallen to the floor. Steady shook her head and draped her hoof over her eyes.
"So yeah. I kind of got in a little bit of trouble for that."
Doctor Thoughts gurgled for a few seconds before finally managing to clear his throat. "I... I see. Yes. I see." He leaned down to scoop up his pen and notepad. "What did that entail?"
"So obviously I got arrested. Wind's parents were devastated of course, and mine couldn't believe it." Steady took a moment to grab another pillow to put behind her head to lay more comfortably. "The problem was my cutie mark. That kind of complicated things a little bit. I mean, yeah, I murdered her and all, but it turned out to be my special talent and I couldn't really help that part of it. That plus me being a little filly meant that Princess Celestia herself got involved."
"I can imagine."
"Yeah, so even then I could kinda tell that she didn't know what to do either. Obviously what I did was wrong, but I got scared because Wind kept threatening me with getting in trouble and..." Steady grimaced. "I didn't think things through. At all."
"No, no, definitely not." Doctor Thoughts groaned and rubbed his temple. "No, you did not."
"Right," Steady muttered. "So Princess Celestia managed to keep it all out of the papers. I got put under house arrest and she sent a bunch of psychologists to come talk to me. I didn't say anything to them, though. I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing then they'd throw me in jail forever." Steady rolled over until she faced Doctor Thoughts. "I guess the question I've always thought about since then is if I'm a bad pony or not. I obviously shouldn't have killed her and all, but I panicked like I said and I didn't realize that she was wrong and that it was an accident and that I wouldn't have gone through what I did if I'd just left it at that.
“Here's the thing, though: ponies don't get cutie marks randomly. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't done that to Wind then something else would have happened. Either that, or I'm without a cutie mark for my whole life. Or would I have gotten something else? Woodworking, maybe. Was the timing what did it?"
"I'm not totally sure, if I'm being honest," Doctor Thoughts replied. "A cutie mark represents a pony's special talent. I haven't ever thought that timing played a part in what cutie mark a pony received."
"So I was destined for this," Steady muttered. "That's the thing, isn't it? My cutie mark doesn't represent, I dunno, cooking meat outdoors or being a soldier. It shows my talent for murder. I am good at murdering ponies. Really good." Steady took in a shaky breath and groaned. "So that begs the question again: am I a bad pony?"
Doctor Thoughts took a moment to jot a few things down on his notepad. "Well, answer me this first: did you, erm, enjoy it? Did you feel bad afterward?"
Steady's eyes widened and she shot up. "No! I didn't enjoy it!" She frowned and tapped her jaw. "I think. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't enjoy it. I didn't hate it either. It was just... easy. That's what it boils down to. It was just easy."
"Do you regret it?"
"I mean, yeah, I would rather not have spent as much time as I did isolated from society," Steady said. "That part definitely sucked."
"So you aren't regretful of the action so much as the fact that there were unpleasant consequences of those actions."
Steady Hoof shrugged. "I think? Like I said: the act itself was kind of just..." Steady paused and spun her hoof as she thought of the next words. "I dunno. A thing. A bad thing, but a thing."
"Oh dear," Doctor Thoughts muttered to himself. "Well, we'll come back to that. For the moment, I think it's time to end for the day.” Doctor Thoughts gave Steady a weak smile and tossed his notes onto the desk. “This has been ... interesting. If you'd like to schedule another appointment--"
"No!" Steady shot off of the couch and looked at the clock. "We still have time! A lot of time. I need help and you can give it to me." Steady walked to the side of the couch and began pushing it until it was in front of the door. She nodded in approval then sat back down on it. "Anyway, what should we talk about next?"
"Steady, listen to me," Doctor Thoughts said, standing up from his chair. "It's late, and--"
"I've paid for a full session and I'm going to get a full session if it kills me!" Steady stared at Doctor Thoughts with pleading eyes and reached a hoof out to him. "Please? Pleeeeease? I just need to talk to somepony and it's all gotten so much worse since then and I'm not really sure how I can cope with all of it and nopony will really help me because nopony wants to talk about it and..." Steady took a deep breath. "It's kind of your job as a therapist and please please please don't just leave me out in the cold like a bunch of other ponies!" She gave Doctor Thoughts a hopeful smile. "Please?"
"Um." Doctor Thoughts grimaced, but sat back down on his chair. "Very well, I suppose. We can talk a little while longer. So your special talent is murder. If I'm being honest, Steady, I'm kind of going back and forth on you. You chose to kill that other filly, but you didn't choose your cutie mark. Would you have gotten it anyway at some point, or is timing possibly a factor? Those are hard questions, Steady."
"I know, I know," Steady grumbled, lying back down on the couch. "But maybe it'll help if I tell you what my job is?"
"Perhaps. I suppose it's as good a place as any to continue."
Steady nodded and looked back at the clock. She followed the second hand with her gaze for a few moments, watching it tick by before continuing.
* * * *
Steady tossed aside the novel she had been reading and looked down at the small pile of books by her hooves. She shifted in her bed and grabbed a random one from the pile. She grimaced and tossed it aside as well when she saw that she'd already read it twice. She stuck out her tongue and pushed the pile away with her hind hooves.
"So bored," she groaned. "So. Bored."
A loud knocking caused her to jump up with a little yip. She slid out of bed, one of her legs getting caught in the bed sheets. She crashed on the floor while several books fell on top of her.
"Ugh. Not one of my better moments," she grumbled to herself.
The knocking brought her back to her senses, and with some effort, she untangled herself from the sheets and stumbled over to the front door. "Sorry sorry sorry! I kinda tripped a little bit and..." She opened the door and rubbed the side of her head. "I can be a little clumsy when... I..."
Her jaw dropped and one of her eyes twitched at the sight of Princess Luna herself standing outside, flanked by two bat ponies dressed in dark purple and black armor. Luna frowned and looked over Steady.
"Greetings, subject. Have I been told correctly that you are the one known as Steady Hoof?"
“Guhb... grbrlem,” Steady gurgled in response, but she managed a small nod.
"Good. May I come in? We have much to discuss."
"I don't... I just..."
With that, Steady's eyes rolled back and she fainted.
* * * *
Steady gasped and quickly sat up. It took her a moment to realize that she was back in bed with the covers pulled over her. She paused for a moment, then quietly chuckled to herself.
"Heh. That was a weird dream."
"It was not a dream, Miss Hoof."
"Yeep!" Steady grabbed her sheets and pulled them over her head, curling up in a ball underneath them. "Definitely a dream!"
"No, it is not, and now is not the time for games, Miss Hoof," Luna growled. Steady flinched at each hoofstep that Luna took toward her bed. "It is as I said: we have much to discuss."
"No Miss Hoof here," Steady said, curling into a tighter ball. "Just an innocuous lump in the--no no no!"
Steady grabbed at her sheets, but Luna's magic overpowered her feeble attempts and she tore them off the bed, leaving Steady completely exposed. Steady groaned and reached for the pillows, but with another burst of her horn, Luna tossed them away as well.
"Come on, what do you want with me?" Steady whimpered. "I haven't done anything! Well, I haven't done anything in a long time, and I paid for that. Mostly. I mean, as much as I could ha--"
"Silence, Steady Hoof!" Luna picked Steady up in her magic and plopped her down in a sitting position on the bed. "I am not here to punish you for that day."
"Oh." Steady breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, yeah, that's good, because I haven't had a lot of interactions with ponies because of what happened, and I think it's because Princess Celestia doesn't want me to kill anypony again, which would be okay with me and--"
"I said silence!" Luna roared, causing Steady to squeak and try to curl up in a ball again. Luna's magic held her down, forcing her to make eye contact with her. "As I was saying: I am not here to punish you for that. Quite the contrary, I am here to offer you an opportunity."
Steady frowned and tilted her head. "An opportunity?"
"Yes." Luna released Steady from her magical hold and stared down her muzzle at her. "I have not been back long, but it has been enough to see that much has changed, while other things have not."
"Um... yeah?"
"Tell me, Miss Hoof. How much do you know of my role before my ... leave of absence?"
"Not too much," Steady admitted. "I mean, everypony knows that you took care of the moon. I mean, now they do. That's pretty much it. Even if I hadn't been taken out of school because of everything and my tutor was only okay and I didn't get to learn a lot from him because I'm rambling again aren't I sorry I do that when I'm nervous and I'm--"
Luna clamped Steady's mouth shut with her magic. "You need not be afraid. It is correct that I was the warden of the moon before my departure. However, much like Celestia, I had roles outside the usual government. Every ruler has secrets, and Celestia and I were no different. She had her duties and I had mine, and one of those duties was, shall we say, getting my hooves a little dirty for the sake of Equestria's continued safety." Luna powered down her magic and began pacing. "Many ponies believe Equestria to be a land of peace and prosperity, and my sister and I would like to maintain that image with as much realism as possible. Sometimes that means performing unpleasant tasks that nonetheless must be done for the good of all. Of the two of us, I was always more suited to move in the shadows."
Steady gulped and glanced at the door. Maybe she could make it before Luna caught her. "Uh-huh."
"Much happens in the dark that threatens the light, which is where my side of things came into play. I ended threats and removed the truly vile dregs of society so that our ponies would feel safe and secure in their beds at night. Upon my return I saw it necessary to return to my old ways." Luna stopped pacing and stood in front of the door. "And that is where you come in."
"Oh come on, it was fifteen years ago!" Steady wailed, hopping off of the bed to hide behind the side furthest from Luna. "You don't hafta kill me! Princess Celestia said--"
"I have already told you that I am not here to kill you." Luna lit her horn and moved the entire bed aside, leaning it against the opposite wall. "I have found that the world has grown considerably since my departure, and my traditional task is now beyond my means. I require your unique talents to aid me in my work. Think of it as a chance for redemption, if you will."
Steady's eyes widened, and she stopped trying to move her nightstand between her and Luna. She looked to Luna, then her guards, then back to Luna, trying to find some trace of dishonesty. She found none.
"So … you want me ... to murder ponies for you."
"Not just ponies, but any who threaten our nation that the usual channels cannot deal with," Luna replied with a nod. "You will, of course, be well trained and compensated for your work. Besides that, you are not the only one I am recruiting to aid me. There will be others that you can interact with. You do not have to be alone."
Steady's ears perked up, and a hopeful smile crossed her face. "So there are other ponies whose special talent is murder? Oh, oh that is such a re--"
Luna grimaced and shook her head. "No. You are the only one I have been able to find with that particular skill. The others I have gathered have their own talents that society does not look upon fondly. They will understand your plight." Luna nudged the nightstand out of the way and walked closer to Steady. "I have been studying your case closely, Miss Hoof. I certainly cannot condone your actions, but your cutie mark complicates matters. Even beyond that, however, let us say that I have a certain sympathy for ponies who do not always have control of the darker side of themselves. Rest assured that I will never send you out against anyone who does not threaten the safety of Equestria. You have my word."
"Okay," Steady whispered.
"So..." Luna extended her hoof. "Will you join me?"
"I guess?"
Luna's eyes narrowed and she shook her head. "I am afraid that is not good enough. Once you go down this path, there is no return. I cannot have any doubts in your mind. Now, will you join me?"
"S-sure?"
"Do you have doubts, Miss Hoof?" Luna growled.
"I mean..." Steady looked down and rubbed her foreleg. "I don't think so."
"You do not think so or you know for certain?"
"I'm pretty sure."
"What are your concerns?"
"I don't have any that I can think of right now." Steady gave Luna a nervous smile and shrugged. "I'm okay."
Luna sighed and rolled her eyes. "That will have to do."
* * * *
"So you became Princess Luna's personal assassin?"
"Sounds like it." Steady Hoof sighed and poked at a loose thread on one of the pillows. "I mean, what would you have done? You haven't seen a lot of ponies or had any real meaningful interactions in a long time and now you have a princess tell you that you can use your special talent and it'll help ponies."
"I suppose that I can see your reasoning there. She did put you in an awkward position." Doctor Thoughts wrote down a few more things. "What do you think would have happened had you refused her?"
Steady shrugged. "I guess I would have spent the rest of my life as a loner who didn't get to be around ponies. I got enough money from the government to get by without really being able to afford any luxuries and stuff. I kinda got the feeling that Princess Celestia didn't want to have to deal with me, but she couldn't just throw me in jail and be done with it. I don't want to be a bad pony, I really don't! This cutie mark sucks!"
"Did you ever leave your house at all, or were you a complete hermit?"
"I wasn't a total shut-in," Steady replied. "I mean, I had to go out and get groceries and stuff like that."
"And did other ponies comment on your cutie mark?"
Steady scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Of course not. I always wore something that covered it up. On days that I couldn't I put on a fake cutie mark." Steady grimaced and flattened her ears. "A happy, smiling sun."
Despite himself, Doctor Thoughts managed a small smirk. "Odd imagery."
"Well, it deflected suspicion for sure," Steady said. "It's a fun, happy cutie mark! Nothing odd about that at all."
"And did you find success in those excursions?" Doctor Thoughts asked.
"Does it sound like it worked?" Steady grumbled. "I even tried finding a good job to put everything behind me. One where I could interact with ponies and get more income and just have a normal life. It's just really hard when things get... monotonous.”
* * * *
“Okay, I can do this.” Steady took a deep breath and adjusted the paper hat on her head. “Yeah. Good.” She looked down at the cash register in front of her. “This doesn’t look so complicated. Just hit this button here for the burger, this button for the fries, this one for the drink, and this one for the money. Easy as pie.”
“I know it can be a little intimidating at first honey,, but you’ll get the hang of it quick enough,” the middle-aged mare standing next to her said with a warm smile.
“If you say so,” Steady replied.
“I do say so.” The mare extended her hoof. “I’m Chipper Day. I’ve worked here for a few years.”
“Steady Hoof,” Steady said, shaking the mare’s hoof. “I hope I do well. It’s my first job.”
“It’s not so complicated, and if you need any help at all, I’m here to help.”
Steady gave Chipper a grateful smile. “Oh, thanks. I’ve never really had a job like this before, so it’s kind of intimidating.”
“It’s gonna be fine. Ponies here are generally pretty understanding, especially if you’re new. Just do your best and you’ll have it down like a pro in no time.”
“Gotcha.” Steady fluttered her wings and cracked her neck. “Let’s do this.”
The doors to the restaurant opened up, and a small group of ponies walked in. Steady’s smile turned into a small grimace when one of the stallions walked up to her register.
“Um... hi. Welcome to here, uh, Burger Princess. Yes, Burger Princess. What can I get for... take your order! Um, get for you...?
The stallion gave her a warm smile. “First day on the job?”
“First thirty seconds,” Steady muttered.
“Well, no worries. We all started somewhere once. I’ll try to make this easy for you. I want a number one with no onions, fries, and a drink.”
“Ah, yes, easy!” Steady pressed the buttons for his order. “Number one, fries, drink and... no onions.” Her hoof hovered over the buttons and she uneasily cleared her throat. “No... onions. That’s on here.” Steady gave the stallion an apologetic smile. “Heh, one second.”
“Take your time.”
“Thanks.” Steady turned to her co-worker. “Is there a button for no onions?”
“So sorry, darlin’ I’ll be with you in a second.” Steady noticed a rather irate looking stallion standing in front of Chipper’s register. “So you said you wanted two number sixes with no onions or ketchup, two number fives, one with no onions and extra pickles and the other with extra onions and no pickles, four orders of fries, four drinks, and one brownie, is that right?”
“Yes,” the stallion grumbled.
“Sure thing, sir,” Chipper said. “That’ll be fifteen bits.”
The stallion tossed twenty bits on the counter without saying anything. Chipper Day scooped it up, tossed it in the cash register, then gave the stallion his change and receipt. “Here you are. Your order number is twenty-six. Now...” Chipper turned to Steady. “What did you need?”
“No onions,” Steady said, motioning to the cash register.
“Oh, it’s this button here.”
Steady looked to where she was pointing and groaned, flattening her ears. “I swear I looked at that button ten times.”
“No worries. You’ll get it.”
“Uh-huh.” Steady forced a smile on her face and turned back to her customer. “Yep. No onions.” Okay, that will be four bits.”
“Alrighty.”
As Steady took his money her smile became more confident. She could do this.
* * * *
“Would you like fries and a drink with that?”
“Would you like fries and a drink with that?”
“Would you like fries and a drink with that?”
“Fries and a drink?”
“Anything else?”
“Is that all?”
Steady groaned and leaned against the counter when she had a free moment. Chipper Day chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, I know this can be a little boring sometimes, but it’s gonna be okay. Just think about how you’re feeding these ponies and really helping them out.” She motioned to a group of fillies eating their meals and laughing with each other. “See? They’re happy.”
“I guess,” Steady muttered. “I just thought that things would be a little more interesting.” Steady glanced at the clock and groaned again. “And that all of this would make more than half an hour go by.”
“Yeah, we were kinda busy this morning. It’ll be okay. I’m going to get a drink. You want anything?”
Steady shook her head. “No thanks.”
Chipper went to the back, leaving Steady alone at the counter. She stared at the door and let out a quiet sigh of relief when she saw that nopony was coming in.
“HEY!"
Steady turned and saw the first stallion that Chipper had served stomping up to the counter, stopping at Steady’s register. He slammed his nearly empty food tray down in front of her, splashing her with soda.
“Is everything...?”
“If you recall, I ordered two number sixes with no onions or mustard, two number fives, one with no onions and extra pickles and the other with extra onions and no pickles.” The stallion tore the top off of one of the remaining burgers. “So why does this have mustard and no ketchup?”
“Uh, no, I think I remember that you ordered the number sixes with no ketchup,” Steady whispered, shrinking down to try to avoid the stallion’s wrath.
“I think I would remember what I like and don’t like,” the stallion growled. “Are you calling me a liar?”
“No, I’m just saying--”
“So are you the kind of moron that Burger Princess is hiring now? Maybe you’ll learn your lesson from this and actually get the order right next time?”
Steady’s eyes narrowed and she straightened back up. “Sorry?”
“I’ll maybe accept your apology when you get my bucking order right. Is that the--”
Without saying another word, Steady flew over the counter, grabbed the stallion by the head, and began repeatedly slamming it into the cash register. He struggled for a brief moment but by the third slam he was barely even putting up a fight. She growled and tore the cash register out of the counter and smashed him in the face, sending teeth and blood flying and cracking his skull.
“You! Are! Not! A! Very! Nice! Pony!” With one final cry, she threw the register onto his head as hard as she could.
“Whoo!” Steady cried, doing a hoof pump to the cheers of the other patrons. “Dang, at least something happened, right? Jeez, he went down pretty quick.” Steady leaned down and smirked at him. “Did I get your order right that time? Is that okay?”
The stallion glared up at her. “Well, are you going to say anything? I think I should get a refund!”
“Uh...” Steady blinked and shook her head, now seeing the stallion standing at the other side of the counter. She had not, unfortunately, beaten him to death with the register. “Uh. Right. I’m not in charge of that kind of thing. It’s more my boss who--”
“Oh, is everything alright, dearies?” Chipper Day walked up to the register, her happy smile not having faltered an inch.
“I should say not,” the stallion said stiffly. “My order...”
* * * *
“I just phased out after that. I did the rest of my shift without any problems and lasted about a week. I met half a dozen other ponies like him and eventually I knew I’d snap and break one of their necks if I didn’t leave.”
“I can see how ponies like that would be difficult, but murdering them is probably not the best way to go about that,” Doctor Thoughts pointed out.
“It would be better though, wouldn’t it?” Steady asked. “At least I’d be doing something related to my cutie mark.”
"Well, why do you feel the need to be beholden to it?" Doctor Thoughts put his pen and notepad back on the small table next to him. "I know it's a difficult thought, but what about trying your hoof at other things? Maybe channel some of your, ah, darker thoughts into murder mystery novels or something?"
"Because I suck at writing and I don't think any publisher would take it," Steady muttered. "Look, my cutie mark isn't about liking dark stuff. It isn't about horror. It's about murder. My cutie mark shows that I am really good at murdering things. Cutie marks aren't just a nice picture on a pony's flank, they're part of who they are. They represent what makes a pony special—what they're truly good at. I mean, what about you? What would you do if there weren't any psychiatrist positions available and you had to take a job digging ditches or something? You'd have to deny a key part of yourself for convenience, I guess."
"Well, I suppose that I wouldn't enjoy that as much, but I would try to make the best of my situation," Doctor Thoughts replied. "Maybe something would come up that I could, um, use and... erm..."
"Like a job as a government-sponsored murderer?" Steady said with a wry smile. "That one sure came out of nowhere. So I guess it's like you said: I did the best I could."
"How long have you been doing it?"
Steady shrugged. "About three or four years now. I was kind of surprised how much work I had."
"You've killed many ponies?"
Steady nodded. "Yeah. Not just ponies. Griffins, Diamond Dogs, a few minotaurs, there was that yak that one time, some Saddle Arabians, zebras, a couple of breezies of all things and—you know, whatever Princess Luna wants." She sighed and shook her head. "So I guess that brings me back to my original question: am I a bad pony? Murder is bad, I guess, but is murder that a princess tells you to do is okay... okay? I murder creatures so that other ponies can be safe. Bad creatures. If you had any idea of some of the creatures I've killed, you would go to sleep with the lights on and a knife in your hooves."
"I think that you do bad things, but I cannot say if it is for a good reason if I do not understand what exactly you do. I don't know who you've killed," Doctor Thoughts replied.
Steady actually managed a smirk and she chuckled with a shake of her head.
"Well, there was this one time..."
* * * *
The cork of a champagne bottle popped out and bounced across the room as the half-dozen ponies at the table cheered. A servant pony went around the table filling the champagne flutes as everypony began chanting the name of the upper-middle aged stallion at the head of the table. He smirked at them for a few moments before standing up and raising his hoof. Instantly the other ponies quieted down.
"Thank you for your warm reception, my friends. It is good to be out of that wretched place and back where I belong with my most valuable associates." A few of the other ponies whooped. "Yes. Now, then, I do have business to discuss with all of you in due time. I made several contacts while in prison that will be invaluable to our organization. With your help, and the help of my lawyer, Fast Talker..." The stallion raised his glass to a smaller pony dressed in a sharp business suit. The other stallion smirked and nodded back. "...we shall have our new associates freed."
"It is my pleasure, Big Money," Fast Talker replied. "I have already made great strides in their freedom."
"I am sure you have," Big Money said. "Once they are freed, they can help my son Plentiful Money and his associate Sly Business resume our drug operations, alongside our new profits in the forgery business. I'll leave Money Mover and Green Grower to handle that portion. On top of that, we have a shipment of mares ready to be delivered to our business partners in Griffonstone. I trust that Power Mover and Steel Crate will be able to come through for us once again." Big Money chuckled and waved his hoof. "But enough of that for the moment. For now, let us eat, drink, and be merry! I hated prison food! And..." Big Money chuckled and stepped aside. "I have some other entertainment for you all."
A curtain behind him opened up and two mares dressed in flank-high socks and skimpy saddles seductively walked into the room, sultry smiles on their faces and more than a little tail swishing. The gathered stallions cheered as the two mares began sliding up to the table. The earth pony mare began stroking the shoulders of the stallions she passed and blowing kisses to the ones on the opposite end of the table. The pegasus mare spread her wings to their full extent and hopped onto the table, careful to avoid the food.
She started swishing her tail but, in a moment of doubtless grace and dignity, she stepped on one of her hooves. With a yelp she began flapping her wings in a desperate attempt to avoid falling onto the table, managing to steady herself at the last moment.
"Boo!" Plentiful Money cried to the agreement of the rest. "Come on, you can do better than that!"
"Sorry, sorry," the pegasus mare said as she lowered her head and flattened her ears. "My bad. I'm new and this is actually my first job and I'm kind of nervous so I'm doing my best and--"
"No, no, do not worry, my dear," Big Money said, patting one of her forelegs. "We all started somewhere once." His eyes narrowed and he stood up from his seat. "However, I assume that we shall be receiving a refund from your employer? I cannot abide sub-par service." He glared at her and leaned forward slightly. "And if that is not enough motivation to do things correctly, then I'm sure I have room for one more in my shipment to Griffonstone."
"Eep!" The mare flinched back and almost knocked over a few plates. "Sorry sorry sorry! But, um... I don't think my employer is gonna give you a refund."
Big Money scoffed. "Oh? Why is that?"
In lieu of an answer, the mare planted her front hooves on the table, spun around, and bucked Big Money in the head as hard as she could. His head snapped back as his neck broke instantly, and he fell to the ground without a sound. The gathered stallions all froze at the sight of their dead leader, which gave the mare enough time to grab one of the knives next to Big Money's plate and throw it straight into one of Fast Talker's eyes. He fell face-first into the table, driving the knife in further.
The moment of distraction ended and each of the remaining stallions shot out of their seats. Steady snapped out a foreleg and drove it into Steel Crate's throat before grabbing his plate and hopping off of the table. She smashed the plate into two pieces and got into a combat stance, one plate piece in each wing.
A scream of terror echoed through the room as the other dancer tripped over herself in an attempt to flee the carnage. Steady's eyes widened.
"Oh, shoot! Sorry sorry! I forgot you were there! Just-- oof!"
Steady flew back as Green Grower tackled her. He landed on top of her and pinned her to the ground by her throat. Steady thrashed about in a vain attempt to get him off of her, but that made him press down harder. However, he was so focused on strangling her that he forgot about the pieces of plate in Steady's wings until she slid one of the jagged ends across his throat. He gurgled and grabbed at his throat, spraying blood all over the place, allowing Steady to push him off of her and flip onto her hooves.
"Alright you bastards," Steady growled. "I only-- whoop!" Steady stumbled for a moment as she slipped on the rapidly expanding pool of blood underneath her. She took to the air and landed away from it before resuming her combat stance. "Stupid freaking socks. Ahem. As I was saying: I only need one of you alive, so which one of you wants to be it?"
"Who are you?" Plentiful Money snarled. "Are you an assassin from the Protection family?"
Steady scoffed and waved her hoof, sending flecks of blood onto the table. "No. Nooooo. I'm going to deal with them, too. I just need one of you guys alive to tell me where the mares you're sending to Griffonstone is."
The remaining stallions all laughed as they advanced toward Steady. Power Mover lit his horn and grabbed a knife off of the table. "Oh, I think you'll see where they are soon enough," said Plentiful Money. "You'll be joining them. Death is too good for you. In fact, I should be thanking you, really. With my father out of the way, I'm in charge of the family now."
"That's probably not a good thing," Steady replied, slowly backing away from the group of burly stallions coming toward her. "You'll probably mess it all up. But, uh, if I rip your throat out, which of these bozos is going to replace you?"
The stallions all stopped advancing and exchanged glances behind his back. None of them said anything. Steady frowned and tilted her head. "Really? Nopony? If I kill him then the business just ends? Nopony takes over?"
Finally Sly Business raised his hoof. "Um... I guess I would."
"So you'd probably be okay if I killed him, right? So how about this." Steady lowered her wings and dropped the shards of plate. "If you let me do him in, I'll just be on my way and then you can do whatever. Sound like a plan?"
"Absolutely not!" Plentiful Money roared. "My associates are loyal to me and-- gah!"
Plentiful stumbled forward as Sly Business shoved him in the rear as hard as he could. Steady darted forward and grabbed his head as he fell, twisting it in her grasp and snapping his neck.
"Okay, you said that you'd leave so--"
Steady landed on Plentiful's back and used it as a launching point, allowing her to tackle Sly and send him flying into the other two. She used the brief moment of distraction to grab another knife off of the table and shove it straight into Sly's neck. She threw his body into the other two stallions and slapped at Power Mover's horn. The blow caused his magic to fizzle, and Steady used the opportunity to grab his knife and slash his throat.
"No, now wait!" Money Mover cried. "Just--" His words were cut off by his scream of pain as Steady grabbed one of his forelegs and slammed her hoof into the joint, bending it the wrong way. Money Mover screamed and twitched on the ground before Steady grabbed his head and smacked it on the ground, knocking him out cold.
Steady took a deep breath and shakily got to her hooves. She took a few steps before her legs gave out and she fell onto the floor with a groan. She rolled onto her stomach, wiped some blood off of her face, and looked up to the other dancer who was huddled in a corner with tears streaming down her face. Steady did her best to give her a comforting smile.
"Ugh. I'm gonna be sore in the morning. How about you?" The mare whimpered and covered her eyes. "Yeah. I'll bet. Really, though, this isn't so bad once you get used to it. I mean, it's just blood. No biggie."
"I w-wanna go h-home!" the mare wailed. "Pl-please don't h-hurt me!"
"I'm not gonna hurt you," Steady replied, slowly sitting up and leaning against the wall. "I mean, I dunno, are you a murder or a kidnapper or something?" The mare whimpered again and shook her head. "Yeah, then you're totally in the clear. I don't hurt ponies that aren't bad."
The door to the room opened and two stallions and a mare walked in. They closed the door behind them and examined the chaos before them. One of the stallions scoffed and glared at Steady.
"Jeez, dude. You could have been a little less messy."
Steady rolled her eyes and extended her middle feather in his direction. "Suck a dick, Cleaner. You already clean up their bodyguards?"
"What do I look like, an amateur?" Cleaner growled. "Yeah, I got them. You could have used a little more poison, though. They didn't die fast and it made for more cleanup."
"You try poisoning that many ponies and then we can talk about dosage!" Steady snarled as she began peeling off the bloody socks.
"She is good, you have to give her that," the mare said. "I'm actually pretty impressed." She walked up to Money Mover's body and grinned. "This the one you kept alive for me?"
"Yeah. He's not a brave one. He'll fold pretty quick."
The mare twisted her face into a pout. "Darn. I like it when they're a bit of a challenge."
"And this is the only witness?" the second stallion said, walking up to the mare who curled up into a ball and covered her ears.
"Yeah, she's it. Mobsters don't like having a lot of ponies around when they're discussing illegal stuff."
"Hmm. I suppose not," the second stallion said. He lit his horn and a ball of white light floated out of it which he gently sent into the mare's forehead. She tensed up for a brief moment, then completely relaxed with a contented groan. It wasn't more than a few seconds before Steady heard light snoring from her.
"Cool." Steady took the mare's offered hoof and pulled herself up. She hissed in pain and gingerly rubbed her neck. "Well, best of luck to you guys. I, uh, I think I'm going to go take a nap."
* * * *
"So did they actually find those mares being sent to Griffonstone?"
"Hm? Oh, yeah. Pressure Point is extremely good at what she does. Disturbingly so, actually. She can figure out just by looking at a pony if they have any info that she wants, and then it'll take her about ten minutes to actually get it." Steady scowled and crossed her hooves. "Do you know how hard it is to play Two Truths and a Lie with her? She is definitely the undisputed champ of our little group."
"I... see?"
Steady smiled and shook her head. "Yeah, it's pretty fun trying to think of ways to actually trip her up. There was this one time--"
"Steady, if I may point this out: you're casually talking about playing a silly foal's game with a pony who tortures others for her job. Does that not bother you?"
Steady shrugged. "Well, when you've beaten a pony to death with a baseball bat, listening to a pony talk about how they extract info isn't really that big a deal." A slight frown creased Steady's face. "And she prefers 'interrogator' for her job description. Hard to say what she would have become otherwise, though. A dentist, maybe? Acupuncturist?" Steady shrugged and waved her hoof. "In any case, yeah. She had that stallion singing like a canary in about three minutes, not like I didn't do half of the work for her, though. Luna led a strike team against the warehouse they were storing them in and... there you go."
"I see." Doctor Thoughts sighed and tapped his hoof on the armrest of his chair. "Now, Steady, tell me this: do you see your methods as the correct way to go about bringing justice?"
"Oh yeah, totally. We got those mares just in time." Steady sighed and shook her head. "And I say ‘mares’ loosely in some instances. There were a couple of fillies in there, one of whom didn't even have her cutie mark yet. Kinda made me wish I'd made them suffer a little more. At least I got to play with Money Mover. I had to once I saw what he was up to with those ponies."
Doctor Thoughts flinched. "Dare I ask what you did to him?"
"In your position, I would not dare to ask. He paid for what he did, though." Steady's expression turned dark. "I promise."
"Erm--"
"So now you know. Now you know what kind of beings Princess Luna sends me after. Does that change anything for you? I mean, Pressure and Mind and Cleaner all are part of my group and we've seen a lot of stuff together so nothing really bothers us." Steady took a deep breath and stood up to begin pacing. "But once you get in that world you look at it differently. You get used to it because it's for the good of Equestria and, I mean, it's my cutie mark. Murder is my special talent, so shouldn't I put my special talent to good use?"
"Perhaps. I definitely believe that those stallions should have been brought to justice, but I'm not so sure that, ah, slitting their throats with broken plate shards counts as justice. Wouldn't a sting operation have been better? Maybe have somepony spying on them?"
"That’s how we found out about it in the first place, but getting enough for a formal charge takes time and it has to be all legal, which takes even more time. Even then, a good lawyer can jam the process even more.” A wry smile crossed Steady’s face. “Unless you throw a knife into their eye. My way was bloody, but it got results right away.
“That aside, it’s not like Princess Luna sends me out against every single little bad guy in Equestria. I only go after the ones that she can’t quickly bring to justice through legal means. I can get the job done faster. I mean, it saved the lives of those mares. If we'd done it your way then maybe we would have possibly saved the next shipment of mares. If you were there you probably would have seen it my way."
"Maybe," Doctor Thoughts said.
"No, not 'maybe'. Definitely." Steady's eyes narrowed and she stopped pacing. "I was there when we rescued them. I saw the starving, beaten, half-dead, chained up mares ready to be shipped like objects to whatever Tartarus awaited them in Griffonstone. The fillies were sobbing and begging for their mommies. When I see stuff like that..." Steady shook her head. "It's not even a question of whether or not I'm doing the right thing."
"Until the adrenaline and rage wears off and you're exhausted, I'll wager." Doctor Thoughts grimaced and crossed his forelegs. "Or am I mistaken in my guess?"
"No," Steady muttered. "I wish we could do it the legal way. Above ground. There just wasn't any time. And that example? It was just one of dozens, a lot of them a lot worse than what I've just told you about." Steady growled and rubbed at her temple. "You don't see my world. You don't have to see a lot of what I do. I protect Equestria thanks to my murder cutie mark. At the end of the day, though... maybe you could see me as a necessary evil? I'm not bad so much as a bad part of the world who has to do good things the bad way."
“Perhaps, though I have a difficult time believing that no innocent bystanders have been injured in your entire time doing this.” Doctor Thoughts said with a raise of his eyebrow. “Yes you were lucky that time in that there was only one bystander that you could take care of easily, but I’m sure that is not the case every time.”
“I mean...” Steady flattened her ears and poked at one of the pillows. “Yeah, sometimes there are a few more ponies around. Clear Mind is great at getting most ponies, but once or twice there have been a few ... complications.”
“I’m not surprised. You are, I assume, familiar with the quote that it is better that a hundred guilty ponies go free than one innocent pony is harmed?”
“I don’t like to think about that,” Steady said through gritted teeth. “It’s not like I’ve ever killed an innocent pony... I think. Isn’t it also true that it’s better that one innocent pony is harmed than a dozen? When we busted down that warehouse to save those mares, wouldn’t it have been okay that one bystander broke a leg than having all of those mares shipped off to Griffonstone?”
“Were any bystanders injured?”
Steady shook her head. “Not in that particular raid, no. I’d be lying if I said that it’s never happened, though. Princess Luna is the one who tells me what I should do. So I mean, you know, it’s not like I have a lot of choice in the matter.”
"Well, answer me this, then: what would happen if you stopped? If you quit? What do you think would happen if you told Princess Luna that you don't want to do this anymore?"
"I've always wondered about that," Steady muttered. "I've always been afraid of leaving because what would happen if Princess Luna decided that I was too dangerous if I wasn't under her control? I never want her to think that I'm not useful anymore. Even if that wasn't true, what would really come of it? The friendships I've made would be over, and I'd go back to being a recluse with no real purpose. What's the point then?"
“Nopony would be hurt by your actions, and I do not think that you’d feel this way about what you do,” Doctor Thoughts replied.
“I’m not sure about that,” Steady admitted. “I’ve been working for Princess Luna for several years now. I’m doing good things with my cutie mark; I don’t have to deny that part of myself. So what if I had to stop? I couldn’t feel fulfilled anymore.”
“You could—”
“I mean, come on, we’ve all felt that urge to kill that dick who bumps into you on the street and yells at you to watch where you’re going even though he was the one who knocked you over and it just makes you want to drive the nearest sharp object into his brain and watch as he twitches on the ground so you can say ‘no, YOU watch where you’re going.”
“I... er...” Doctor Thoughts cleared his throat. “I can’t say that I have ever had that feeling, no.”
Steady straightened up and blinked. “Oh. Oh, yeah, I’m not saying that I’ve ever had that feeling either. No, that would be kind of weird. And crazy. But would I get it if I stopped killing for Princess Luna? At that point I’m a liability, so I wonder if she’d feel that I was too dangerous and kill me herself.”
"I don't know if I can say," Doctor Thoughts said, glancing over at the clock. "But I think now is really the time—"
"No, it's not," Steady growled, taking a look at the clock for herself. "We have five minutes left and we're going to use those five minutes. I'm not asking for you to beat around the bush. I'm not asking for half-truths and avoiding the question. Am I a bad pony?"
Doctor Thoughts stared at Steady for a few moments before glancing down at his notes. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. "You're the most difficult case I've ever had, I'll grant you that. I am not privy to the experiences you go through on a day-to-day basis. I am not a pony who can make judgements on whether somepony else is good or bad. You've been stuck in an impossible situation and you're making the best of it. I cannot say that it makes you evil. I wouldn't call you good, either."
"I kind of expected that answer," Steady muttered. "Well, in any case, I guess we are out of time."
Happy Thoughts couldn't hold in his sigh of relief as he got to his hooves. "Yes, yes, quite right. If you'd like to set up another appointment, I have some colleagues that would be happy to help you. I, unfortunately, am not available for the next long while. Booked solid. I'm surprised you were able to see me, actually."
"Sure. Maybe. There is one tiny little thing I want to get your opinion on."
Doctor Thoughts quietly groaned. "Yes? What is it?"
"Princess Luna gave me another target. Do you think I should take it, or maybe I can make the best of my situation in another way? If so, what might that way be?"
Doctor Thoughts frowned and tilted his head. "Well, I would suggest trying to find another way. Do you wish to share who it is so that I can give my opinion?"
"Yeah." Steady Hoof closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking back to Doctor Thoughts. "You. My next target is you."
The room was dead silent for a few moments, with the only sound being the ticking of the clock on the wall. Happy Thoughts's mouth flopped up and down like a fish before he was able to take a deep breath and respond.
"I... I'm sorry?"
Steady Hoof quietly chuckled and shook her head. "If even half of what Princess Luna tells me about you is true, it's a liiiittle too late for that."
"I..." Happy Thoughts glared at Steady Hoof and took a step back. "Now... now you listen to me. I was acquitted of all of that! In the eyes of the law, I am innocent!"
"Yeah, double jeopardy is an excellent law for ponies like you," Steady said, taking a step forward. "Your lawyer got you off, but Princess Luna has been looking into your case a little more. You do a horrible job of cleaning up all of the evidence. We've been following your case for a while and trust me: we found a lot."
"Do you want me to answer truthfully, then? Fine! Yes, you are a bad pony!" Happy Thoughts snarled. "I hope you burn in Tartarus with the rest of the scum you feel so high and mighty about killing! They should have put you down the moment you got your cutie mark!"
"Possibly." Steady shrugged. "Maybe. Probably. I promise that I've done a lot of good for Equestria. More than you at any rate."
"Why bother with this silly session at all, then?" Happy Thoughts snapped. "Why did you drag it out like this?"
"I actually wanted the session," Steady admitted. "I haven't had a psychiatrist try to help me work out stuff since I was a filly, and I figured now would be as good a time as any." Steady took another step toward him. "And it had to come to this either way."
Steady and Happy Thoughts stared at each other, each daring the other to make the first move. Steady's wing twitched, and Happy's hoof moved. Steady chuckled and took a half step back. "You know we can't keep doing this forever. I have--"
Happy Thoughts let out a cry of rage and charged straight at Steady. She took to the air and flipped over him, and his momentum sent him crashing into the couch. Steady twisted in midair and shot down to Happy, putting him in a choke-hold as he tried to stand up. She squeezed her foreleg into his throat as hard as she could, causing him to thrash about as the air left him. He pawed at her foreleg, but Steady slammed his head into the couch.
"Shh," she said. "Just calm down. It'll all be over soon. You'll fall asleep and wake up... well, you'll probably wake up in Tartarus, but you won't have to see me again for a little while."
Happy Thoughts's thrashing slowly became weaker until he merely twitched in Steady's grasp. With one final squeeze, Steady snapped his neck. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding in and dropped him to the floor just as the clock struck the hour. She laid on the ground next to the body for a few moments. She closed her eyes and a contented smile crossed her face.
A knock on the door brought her out of her relaxation, and she grimaced. Oh. Right. She stood up and pulled the couch out of the way of the door, allowing it to open and the usual crew to walk in. Pressure Point shut the door and the four of them stared at the body on the ground.
"Well, at least you didn't make a mess this time," Cleaner said with an approving nod. "You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get blood stains of of a carpet like this.."
"Yeah, yeah," Steady said with a wave of her hoof. She turned to Pressure Point and frowned. "What are you doing here? We don't need you."
Pressure Point scoffed and waved her hoof. "I"m terribly hurt. What would you three be without my moral support?"
"I dunno, a little less conspicuous?" Steady replied. "In any case, does everything seem fine?"
"Yeah, we should be good," Clear Mind said. "I got to the secretary and wiped her memories of you a few minutes before we got here."
"On that note, though, did you actually have a session with this monster?" Pressure Point asked.
"Yeah. I arrived a little early and I guess I was just..." She scraped her hoof on the ground and looked away from them. "Curious."
"Ah, did he give you a lot of psycho mumbo-jumbo?" Cleaner asked as he laid the body flat on the floor.
"Something like that. It made me think more on if, you know, we're bad ponies."
The other three paused and frowned at Steady. "Um... yeah, I guess by any normal definition we are," Pressure said. "But sometimes you have to make do. Besides, we do good things with our badness, so that has to count for something, right?"
"I guess. At any rate." Steady yawned and stretched out her body. "I guess I'll write up the report for Princess Luna. See you three later."
* * * *
Steady Hoof pushed the door of her house open and walked inside, not even bothering to lock it behind her. She briefly thought about getting a drink from the fridge, but her body decided it would rather go to bed and she reversed course toward her bedroom.
"Greetings, Miss Hoof. You have done well today."
Steady Hoof grimaced, but she had changed it to a neutral expression by the time she'd turned around to see Princess Luna standing in her living room. Steady bowed, though her drowsiness meant that it took her a few more seconds than normal to rise.
"Thanks. It wasn't difficult."
"I expect nothing less from you. Your usual compensation has been deposited."
"Cool. Thanks."
Luna frowned and tilted her head. "Is something the matter? Were there unforeseen complications?"
"I dunno. Maybe. I got to talking with him a bit. Had a full session, actually. Kind of made me wonder a little more. Am I a bad pony?"
"Hm." Luna took a few steps toward Steady and put her hoof on her shoulder. "You are an invaluable asset to Equestria and to me. Your actions ensure that the fillies and colts can sleep safely in their beds. On top of all of that, you do not have to deny your cutie mark." Luna smiled down at Steady. "I must take my leave. You have done a great service to Equestria once again."
With one flash of her horn, Luna was gone. Steady stared at the spot where Luna had been standing.
"That doesn't really answer my question."
Steady Hoof the Murderous Mare
Steady knocked on the door of the unassuming single story house in the middle of an unassuming suburb on the edge of Baltimare. She waited for a few moments before she heard the sound of hoofsteps from the other side of the door. She straightened up and put a smile on her face as the door opened.
"Steady! You're here!" Pressure Point cried, stepping inside to let Steady in. "About time you showed up."
Steady shrugged and stepped inside. "Got a bit of a late start. Everypony else already here?"
Pressure Point nodded. "Yeah, Cleaner actually only got here about fifteen minutes before you did, so we haven't been waiting too long." Pressure grinned and threw her hooves around Steady, pulling her in for a hug. "Ooh, it's so good to see you!"
"Yeah, you too," Steady wheezed. She tried to shift so Pressure's hug wasn't quite as tight, but if anything Pressure's hug only became tighter. "Uh.. you're kinda..."
"Oh!" Pressure let go of Steady with such speed that she nearly fell to the floor as she took in deep breaths of air. "Sorry about that. I wouldn't want to actually hurt you." Pressure chuckled and lightly punched Steady's shoulder. "That's more your thing."
Steady rolled her eyes. "Uh, no. I just kill them. Hurting them is your thing. I tend to make it quick."
Pressure stuck her tongue out as she locked the front door. "You didn't make it quick for that mobster bastard, though." Pressure bumped against Steady. "Good work, by the way. Almost as good as some of my work."
Steady blushed and flattened her ears. "I mean... I dunno. I should be better than that, don't you think?"
Pressure shrugged. "I dunno. I've had years of training and it's my cutie mark so..." Pressure paused for a brief second. "Oh. Oh, you mean, like, you should be a little more moral than that, or something."
"Yeah," Steady muttered.
Pressure shrugged again and led Steady through her house. "In any case, you at least made him as scared as those mares he was gonna do whatever with. That should count--"
"Let's talk about something else," Steady interrupted. A confident smile spread across her face as she entered a room where two stallions were sitting at a table, conversing with each other. "Like how I'm gonna whip your flanks at poker tonight!"
"We were worried that you wouldn't show up," Cleaner replied. "I thought you were too scared after I won all of your money last week."
"I have never been scared of you and I never will be," Steady said smugly as she took her usual place at the table. "If anything, you should be scared of me."
Cleaner rolled his eyes and opened a can of soda sitting next to him. "You don't scare me with decapitations anymore, Steady. They're a little... boring."
"Fine then," Steady grumbled as she took a soda from Pressure. "I'll have to do something that'll make you beg to have Clear wipe your memories!"
Clear Mind rolled his eyes and began shuffling the cards.
"I've seen the same horror stories and, well, horror that you have, Steady," Cleaner retorted. "Only way you're going to shock me is if you do something that'll make you worse than the ponies we go after."
Steady's smile grew brittle and she didn't respond. She slid the cards that Clear had dealt to her closer and fanned them out. Pressure took a seat next to her and waved her hoof at Cleaner.
"Oh come on, Cleaner. She's not that bad. I'm sure Steady wouldn't do anything too awful, right?"
"Like what she did to that mobster? That took a little cleaning."
Pressure shrugged. "We all gotta--"
"Let's not talk about that," Steady grumbled, sliding three cards back to Clear. "It's just... it's fine. I got it. It happened. Probably won't happen again."
"Hey, it's okay," Pressure said, scooting her chair over so she could nuzzle Steady's shoulder. "We understand, right guys?"
"Uh-huh." Cleaner smirked and took two cards from Clear. "So I take it that your nuzzle was just a comforting measure and not, say, a good excuse to look at Steady's cards?"
"You did not!" Steady growled, glaring at Pressure.
Pressure Point giggled and waved her hoof. "No, no, you know I'm a touchy-feely kind of pony. Plus, looking at my cards, I'm prrrreeeety sure that I have better ones than you do. Just saying."
"I wouldn't be completely sure about that," Steady retorted, pushing a few bits into the pot.
"I fold," Clear grumbled. "You're all idiots."
"Oh come on, Cleary. We're just having fun, right?" Cleaner tossed a few more bits onto the table. "It's just that I'm going to have more fun taking all of your bits."
"I told you to stop calling me that."
Cleaner snorted. "Yeah? Or what?"
Clear paused for a moment to take a small sip of his soda. He carefully put it down on the coaster, then stared at Cleaner with harsh, unblinking eyes. "Or I'll inform the next bystanders that your mother used to call you Pookie Snoosums when you were a little colt." Clean allowed himself the barest of smirks. "And that's the thing I won't erase."
Cleaner frowned and tilted his head. "But my mom didn't call me Pookie Snoosums."
Clear's smirk widened ever so slightly. "But they won't know that. All they'll remember about you is that your mother called you Pookie Snoosums."
"Damn, dude." Pressure shook her head and leaned back in her chair. "I'm only that sadistic when I'm interrogating somepony. That's just, wow, kind of impressive, really."
"Yeah. I only kill them," Steady replied.
"That’s just mean, Cleeeee--" Clear glanced at Cleaner out of the corner of his eye. "...eeeaarrrr. Fine. I'll find something better to call you."
"Not sure why my name doesn't cut it," Clear grumbled.
"Hey, cutting is Steady's thing and sometimes Pressure's thing. Me, I just kind of let life take me wherever." Cleaner pushed a few more bits to the center of the table. "Like victory."
"Oh, is that so?" Pressure said with a smirk. "So you have really good cards, then?"
Cleaner's eyes narrowed as he put his cards down. "No. No, we talked about this. You don't get to use your freaky mind game, body language and facial expression reading powers!"
"I can't?" Pressure tapped her jaw and called Cleaner's bet. "I don't remember that. Maybe Clear got to me. In any case, if you don't want me to do that, you shouldn't be so easy to read. Gosh, I'd have you screaming like a little filly in two seconds, then we would find out if your mother really did call you Pookie Snookums."
"Pookie Snoosums," Clear corrected.
"I honestly wouldn't be surprised by either," Steady admitted.
"Screw you, Pressure," Cleaner growled, tossing in more bits. "You ready to go down?"
"Not on you," Pressure said with a grin as she put her cards on the table. "Two pair, nines and fives."
Cleaner's mouth twitched and his eyes narrowed. "It's not fair. You're using your stupid powers." Cleaner groaned and tossed his cards down. Pair of nines.
"Not a unicorn, but thanks for that," Pressure said, reaching out to scoop up the small pile of bits. Steady poked her shoulder with a frown.
"What are you doing with that?"
Pressure raised an eyebrow. "Um... two pair beats a pair, Steady. We've had enough of these that you should know that."
"Yeah, they do." Steady put her cards on the table. "But they don't beat a full house, tens and sixes."
Pressure groaned and thunked her head on the table. "Dammit."
"There are benefits to blending in a little bit," Steady said as she pulled the bits over to her. "You and Cleaner kept flapping your gums at each other. Wasn't that hard."
"Bite me, Steady," Cleaner groaned, flicking a bit at Steady's forehead.
"How juvenile," Pressure said with a roll of her eyes.
Steady glowered at Cleaner and picked up her soda. "I told you to stop doing that. You want me to kill you with this? I totally can."
"Oh, and who would clean me up?" Cleaner said smugly. "Do you know how to get blood out of carpet? Didn't think so, filly."
"I could get a new carpet and we could call it a business expense," Pressure said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, and I need to keep practicing if I'm not going to get rusty," Steady pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah, just deal, Pressure."
Pressure collected the cards and began shuffling them as Steady put her newly-won bits into a neat stack. The table was quiet for a few moments with the only sounds being the shuffling cards and Clear Mind flipping a few of his bits. After a few moments, Pressure began dealing the cards while Steady and Cleaner put in the blinds. Pressure finished dealing and everypony grabbed their cards to check them.
"Hey, speaking of getting blood out of carpets, good job with that wacko shrink the other day," Cleaner said. "I barely had anything to do with him at all."
"Oh, um..." Another forced smile crossed Steady's face. "Yeah, for sure. Easy. He didn't put up quite as much of a fight as I thought he was going to."
"Probably lulled him into a false sense of security, what with doing a whole session with him and all," Pressure said. "Still surprised you did that, by the way. A psychological analysis from a monster like him probably wouldn't really be the healthiest thing, I'd bet. I dunno, did you get anything out of it?"
Steady shrugged and folded her cards. "I dunno. Gave him my whole story, if you can believe it. Not like he was making it out of that room alive to tell anypony, right? Freaked him out for sure."
"High bar," Clear said.
"I dunno. I don't think he saw himself as that evil. You know how they can be," Steady said. "Nopony is the villain of their own story, right?"
"I totally agree with that," Pressure said as she took two cards. "The way I've always seen it is that the baddies we go after think that other ponies are either the villains of their story or background no-name ponies so does it really matter in the end what they do to them? You should fight villains, and the no-name ponies don't matter anyway." She shrugged. "I dunno. I always figured that that was how they saw it, anyway."
"Isn't that, I mean, kind of the way we see it a little bit, too?" Steady muttered. "They're the bad guys, so it's fine if we torture and kill them."
"Interrogate," Pressure growled, glaring at Steady.
"Call it what you like."
"Holey shamoley, Steady." Cleaner shook his head and took three cards. "That shrink really did get into your head, didn't he? I mean, wow, do you ever think that he was saying that kind of stuff because he knew you were about to break his neck? Ponies will say all kinds of nasty stuff to make you feel bad when they know you're about to beat them to death."
"Yeah, but was he... wrong? I was the bad guy at the end of his story, for sure. Think about it: if you weren't a part of the story and you just heard it from, like, a narrator, you think you'd look at me, at us, as good guys or bad guys?"
Cleaner slammed his cards down on the table and shot up. "Why does it matter?!" he snarled. "Who cares? They probably wouldn't know the whole story anyway. Just forget it and do your job, alright?"
"Yeah, but--"
"You wanna go back to trying not to kill rude ponies at fast food jobs, is that it?" Cleaner's eyes narrowed and he flicked another bit at her. "Earning nothing and doing nothing of consequence? Well guess what: I don't want to go back to working in sewers. For the first time in my life I have a... a point, and if you want to have an existential crisis then that's your business, but I'm not going to get sucked into your moping, alright." He plopped back down in his chair and grabbed his cards again. "You're ruining poker night."
"Hey, I get it: I've had stuff like this too," Pressure said, putting her hoof on Steady's shoulder with a kind smile. "It's better than the alternative though, right? I can get how getting really violent might turn you off to doing this job and taking a toll on you. I know what it's like to hurt ponies. Maybe you could try to not be so violent? Sneak around and use poisons or something. Slip something into a few drinks, then head out and leave the rest to Cleaner."
"You make it sound so easy." Steady took a deep breath and forced a confident smile onto her face. "But I mean, that might not work because Cleaner would mess it up or something." She flicked the bit back to him. "Sounds like something he'd do."
Cleaner glared at Steady for another few moments before scoffing and shaking his head. "Bet you ten bits that you mess up before I do."
"You're on. You'd better hope that I don't take all of your bits tonight, then."
Pressure patted Steady's shoulder. "Let's not be too mean to him. If we are, he'll start suspecting that we went easy on him last week and that's why he won."
Cleaner's eyes narrowed. "Oh really?" He put his cards on the table. "Three sixes."
"Three sevens," Clear Mind replied, putting his cards on the table.
"Son of a--"
* * * *
Steady walked down the dark Baltimare streets on the way back to her house. The night had gone well enough. They didn't talk about anything negative for the rest of the night, unless one counted Cleaner's growing frustration at losing all of his bits. She chuckled at the memory of Pressure putting down the cards that completely sealed his fate and left him broke. Complaints of cheating and threats of graphic violence had followed.
Steady fluttered her wings to get a little warmth against the chilly night air. Her ears twitched when she heard the sound of hoofsteps behind her. She glanced over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow when she saw Clear Mind walking behind her. She stopped to let him catch up.
"Surprised to see you out here," she said. "Thought you were going to the train station."
"In a bit." He looked around the empty streets and peered down a dark alleyway that they passed. "Most young, attractive mares would be nervous walking the streets at night."
Steady scoffed. "Yeah, if anypony tried that with me, they'd be in for a bit of a surprise. Probably mean that we'd have to get Cleaner over here and he'd make a bunch of dumb, inappropriate jokes about the situation."
Clear waved a hoof. "Eh. He's barely a stallion and he has a hard job. Wouldn't worry too much."
"I know. He'll get it, right? I mean, you've been doing this for a long time, right?"
"First one Princess Luna hired."
"Yeah, so when he has time to mature then he'll get it and be a little less of a dummy."
"Hm."
The two walked in silence for a few blocks. Steady kept taking glances at Clear, but he didn't say anything to her, nor even look in her direction. She quietly sighed to herself, but figured that he would talk when he was ready. He didn't seem overly concerned about anything at the moment.
"You losing your nerve?"
Steady's eyes widened and she whirled around to face him. "No, no that's not it! I'm just a little stressed lately because it was pretty scary what happened to those mares we saved and I don't like what I did to that stallion."
"You've seen much worse than that in this job. Can't see why you'd be frustrated." Clear's mouth went thin for a moment. "Been doing this long enough to read ponies. Almost as good as Pressure."
"I'm not losing my nerve, Clear!" Steady insisted. "I've just been doing a little thinking, is all. I know I probably shouldn't because you shouldn't think too much about this job, but yeah, that therapist did kind of make me think about some stuff. I guess."
"Such as?"
"Such as if this is a good idea but what else can I do because it's my cutie mark and I really actually kind of like you guys even Cleaner but I don't know if we'd be friends if we didn't work together like this and I really want friends I don't have any outside of you three because why would I?" Steady groaned and bowed her head. "I can see the good in what we do. We're protecting Equestria and have protected it from a lot of awful stuff. It's not like Princess Luna sends us out against every mugger and scammer, right?"
"No."
Steady glared at him. "Loquacious as always. Anyway, then there's the question of if I did want to quit. Would Princess Luna see me as a liability and have to kill me to keep Equestria safe? I'm too dangerous to just be left alone at that point, right?"
"Princess Luna wouldn't kill you."
"But--"
Clear put his hoof on Steady's shoulder and looked her straight in the eye. "Princess Luna wouldn't kill you. Been doing this long enough to know that."
"Right, I'm sure." Steady pushed his hoof off and continued walking. "I guess what you and Cleaner do isn't that bad, all things considered, but Pressure and I... Pressure is such a chipper, huggy, fun pony. When I first met her and she told me what her job was, I thought that there was no way that she could be any good at it. She ran up to me, hugged me, nuzzled my shoulder and instantly declared that we'd be 'the bestest of friends'. Then I saw her at work and couldn't believe it. She was given two ponies, knew exactly which one had the info she wanted, then had that pony screaming and giving her everything in about thirty seconds. I mean, I'll bet that even you would tell her everything as quickly as you could after a few minutes."
"Probably."
"'Course it's not like Cleaner isn't weird, too. He's nineteen and his job is to clean up the bodies of ponies I kill. I think that most ponies would look at that and get a little uncomfortable, you know?"
Clear tilted his head. "Yeah."
"For goodness sake," Steady grumbled under her breath. "But anyway, yeah. I guess I've just been thinking about how wrong this all probably is. So I'm using my special talent for good, or so I'm told. But I'm afraid of not keeping it together, you know? What I did to that mob pony wasn't okay. Not at all. I should have just given him to Princess Luna so that he could have spent the rest of his life in prison. My cutie mark is murder, not sadistic torture. I guess when I saw what he had done to those mares, to those fillies, I couldn't just let him rot."
"Hm. Could make you forget."
Steady's jaw dropped and she took a few steps back from him. "Wh-what?"
"Could make you forget. You don't want to live with all of that. Makes sense. Could make you forget all of it."
Steady's eyes narrowed and she took another step back. "All of it like what I did to that mobster, or all of it period? Everything from the last few years."
"Technically both, but I was referring to the mobster."
"Right. No, I just..." Steady made a noise of disgust and waved her hoof at him. "No. That's just creepy, Clear. What, do you do that a lot? Was that your job before Princess Luna found you? Black market memory erasing of bad memories?"
Clear shrugged. "Not important."
"Uh-huh. I'm sure it's not. In any case, I don't want you to do that. If you did, then I might do it again, and I don't want that. I wanna learn from my mistakes, you know?"
"Guess."
"Yeah." Steady picked up a little speed and walked past Clear. A thought crossed her mind and she turned around to face him. "So out of curiosity, if I did quit, would you just erase my memories of all of this? Erase it and then, I dunno, make me start from square one or take enough to leave me as a blank, happy pony who believes her cutie mark is something different?"
Clear stared at Steady with his unblinking, unnerving eyes. Steady lifted a hoof as she considered running from him as fast as she could. She suddenly didn't feel as safe as she had before. They stared at each other for a few moments before Clear finally spoke.
"Up to you, I guess."
With that, he turned around and began walking to the train station, leaving Steady shivering in the chilly Baltimare night.
