Rendering it Null

by AvariceArtifice

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Violence, Sex, Main 6, Profanity, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other
Length: 2202

Another former human in equestria, this time as a unicorn with slight time manipulation and a talent for alchemy. He's also horny as hell and is a smartass. M rating for sexual content.

Another former human in equestria, this time as a unicorn with slight time manipulation and a talent for alchemy. He's also horny as hell and is a smartass. M rating for sexual content. ON HIATUS UNTIL I CAN MAKE IT BETTER.

Published 2018-10-20 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-20 23:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Let the tomfuckery begin

An unknown unicorn darts through the city of Canterlot. He bears a pitch black coat, a teal mane and tail with golden tips, green eyes, and a strange, circular symbol for a mark. The strange unicorn yells out in a commanding tone.

"Stop!" As the word is uttered, he seems to simply blink past the guards in front of the castle, outrunning them with a ten second headstart and lack of armor weighing him down. He quickly bursts into the throne room.

"Celestia! It's an emergency, all of Equestria depends on this!" The strange pony yells out at the daytime diarch of Equestria.

"Oh, oh goodness, what's the matter my little pony?" Celestia asks, somewhat alarmed.

"You have to make out with me! Everything's on the line here!" The pony says.

Celestia just gives him an unamused look, the guards catching up and attempting to restrain the offender. "What should we do with this one, princess?" One of the guards asks as the pony struggles.

Celestia sighs."Just put him in the dungeon for right now, my sister and I will figure the rest out from there." She says in an uninterested tone.

"If I could resist without any repercussions, I would." The strange pony says.

"Tell somepony who cares." A guard responds, shoving the pony forward as they head off to the dungeon.

Later that evening, Celestia and Luna open the door to the small interrogation room where the pony is chained to a chair.

"Thank goodness you two got here, the voices in my head were getting pretty feisty during the wait." The pony says nonchalantly.

"So this is the one who broke in to the throne room today declaring you had to... make out, with him?" Luna asks in a cautionary tone.

"Indeed. Tell us, what is your name? If we are to interrogate you properly, we need to know." Celestia says, looking at the stranger.

"The name's Null Render, your majesty. Resident former alien and insane alchemist at your mercy. Let me tell you, I'm heavily into BDSM, and this is making me so hard right now." Null says, recieving looks of utter shock and disbelief from the royal sisters.

"How DARE YOU! WE SHALL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR!" Luna yells in the royal Canterlot voice.

"Quite a set of lungs you've got. Anyway, I actually had no idea how else I could get you to talk with me." Null says, looking at the sisters nervously.

"So, you wanted to speak with the both of us, and the only way you thought you could was to get yourself arrested on purpose?" Celestia asks, failing to see the logic in Null's actions.

"Can't argue with results. Back to the main point though. I actually wanted to let the both of you know that I find Luna extremely attractive. Oh, and that there's a changeling invasion coming tomorrow. So heads up!" Null says, being completely serious about both of his claims.

Luna gives Null a pissed look, while Celestia seems to think. "Do you have any proof of this changeling invasion claim?" Celestia asks.

"Well, I actually was sent here with a written letter from the queen of the changelings herself. And my god is she a bitch." Null says, levitating an envelope from seemingly out of nowhere up to Celestia. She opens it, and reads over it carefully.

"This is really unsettling. Thank you for bringing this to our attention mister Null. Even if it was... unconventional to say the least." Celestia says, heading out of the room. Luna quickly follows.

"Hey! Aren't you gonna release me!?" Null yells.

A lone guard walks in, undoing the restraints. "You have done us a great service. However, you are not permitted to stay. Please leave the premises." The guard says.

"With pleasure." Null says, before somehow appearing down the hall a ways as he leaves. The guard looks back and forth between Null's current and previous positions, flabbergasted. The guard quickly rushes up to the princesses.

"Hm? What's the matter?" Celestia asks the guard, concerned.

"T-that pony just... He just, appeared down the hall. But he didn't ignite his horn, and there was no light or noise like teleportation spells have! It's... it's unnatural!" The guard blabbers, struggling to talk through the whole ordeal.

Celestia turns her attention back, seeing Null walking at a moderate pace further down the hall than expected. She gives the letter to Luna. "You take the letter back with you, I will deal with this oddity myself. We may be dealing with another potential Discord if I don't act now." Celestia says, teleporting down the hall in front of Null.

Null is startled, stopping in his tracks and falling on his face. He quickly stands up. "Hi again, what do you need?" Null asks in a casual manner.

"It seems we have more to discuss Null. You-" Celestia is cut off as Null appears down the hall past her again.

"I think otherwise. Just teleporting the both of us in that manner was quite rude. Maybe if you ask nicely I'll cooperate this time." Null says, earning a shocked look from Celestia.

"How? What!?" Celestia says, her mind racing. How did he know I was going to do that? This pony is possibly dangerous. I will NOT let him endanger my subjects! Celestia thinks, grabbing Null in her magic and pulling him dangerously close. "WHAT ARE YOU!?" Celestia yells in her royal Canterlot voice.

Null is momentarily dazed. "And I thought your sister had some pipes on her, but damn. I'm a unicorn, can't you tell?" Null says, almost slurring his words.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO!?" Celestia yells, dazing Null again.

"Ooouuuugh. Oh, you were talking about THAT. Well, I knew what you were going to do because you did it. Then I just rewound time a few seconds, that's all." Null explains.

Celestia just looks at him, trying to process what he just said. "You... went back in time?" Celestia asks in disbelief.

"Yeah. Then I paused it and moved past you so you couldn't immediately teleport me. Speaking of which, you haven't asked nicely yet." Null replies.

Celestia sighs. "Well then, would you be opposed to being teleported with me?" She asks, a hint of irritation in her voice.

"Nah, go ahead and teleport us." Null says, shrugging.

So he goes to the trouble of going back in time to resist the teleport, but then he's just OKAY with it!? Celestia thinks, teleporting them to the dining hall as she was going to do initially.

"Even on a second first time, it's still kinda meh." Null says as he looks over the dining hall.

"Now, you said you're an alien before. Care to explain?" Celestia asks.

"Oh gladly. Basically, I'm from another dimension and was sucked into a rift of sorts. Wound up here with magic, a transmutation circle tattooed on my ass and carved in my front hooves, and the ability to rewind and pause time for ten seconds at a time with a cooldown of thirty seconds. Though it seems more like my memories go back in time rather than myself, plus I already have my energy back when I do it since I never spent it in the first place." Null elaborates.

Celestia seems to take this all in stride. "Well, I guess that explains that... Stranger things have happened." Celestia says more or less to convince herself rather than really respond.

"Ah, I didn't know you had Stranger Things in this world. Is it a book series here?" Null asks, receiving another odd look from Celestia.

"I'll take that as a no... Well, I'd be happy to help fend off the changelings when the invasion happens." Null says.

"Well, at least you're willing to assist us in this time of crisis. Sadly, this may upset Shining and Cadence, their wedding is soon." Celestia says.

"Figures queen bug bitch would ruin a wedding with her invasion plot. I mean, I was just captured and given the letter to deliver to you after a while. Said I was unbearably annoying and a complete ass. The nerve." Null rambles.

Celestia teleports them up to her and Luna's shared planning room in the castle. "Good to have you back sister. But, why is HE here?" Luna asks, her tone laced with spite.

"And I see lack of manners runs in the family. But I also don't know why I'm here." Null says, staring at Luna's moons.

"You seem to know this changeling queen. Any information you have could assist us in our defense." Celestia says.

Null is slapped by a book in Luna's magic, snapping out of his trance. "Huh? Oh, um. Well, she's awfully bitchy, manipulative, and highly intelligent. It would be best to not underestimate her. And I have a little trick to finding changelings. If a unicorn ignites their horn, and their aura is green instead of their eye color, or a different shade from their eyes, they're a changeling in disguise. They also can't replicate how the pony they're disguised as acts perfectly. So if something's noticeably off or wrong with their usual behavior, changeling." Null elaborates, staring at Luna's butt again, and subsequently slapped again.

"Am I coming on too strong? I can dial it down if you want." Null says, ducking another book slap. "Use your words please." Null says.

"You are by far the most irritating pony we have ever had the displeasure of meeting." Luna says flatly with a matching expression.

"Queen cheeselegs said something similar." Null says, looking around the room now.

"Now that you've said what you needed to, you are no longer needed here. Should we throw you out the window, or are you capable of using a door?" Luna says.

"Hint taken. Bye." Null says, just disappearing.

Luna looks to Celestia. "He just does that I guess." Celestia says, looking to the now ajar door that clearly wasn't shut all the way.

Null walks down the dimly lit streets of Canterlot, arriving near the train station. "Stop." Null says, as the world around him goes grayscale. He walks past the ticket station and conducter, boarding the train and sitting right as color returns to the world. None of the ponies notice his sudden appearance on the train.

"All aboard! Next stop, Ponyville!" The loudspeaker rings out in the train car.

Null stares at his hooves, tracing the circle and symbols within out of boredom.

"Excuse me, but what are you doing?" A random pegasus mare seated near Null asks, looking up from her newspaper.

"I'm bored. Say... What's going on in the news?" Null asks, glancing at the newspaper.

"Not much. I just can't believe I wasted bits on this." The mare says, looking at the paper in regret before looking back to Null.

"Follow up question, wanna head to the caboose? I bet we could make it rock pretty hard." Null says, smiling. The mare rolls up her newspaper, setting it in her saddlebags.

"Beats a boring train ride I guess. Know any contraceptive spells?" The mare asks in a whisper.

Null smirks. "Even better, I'm infertile." He says, getting out of his seat and holding a foreleg knee out for the mare.

"Such a gentlecolt too." She says, accepting the gesture and following him through the train to the caboose.

When they reach the caboose, Null picks the mare up and sets her belly up on the bed gently. Wasting no time, the mare spreads her hind legs for Null, who dives in muzzle first, assaulting her canal with his tongue firmly and vigorously. Every motion is deliberate, feeling around for her better spots within. This continues for the next forty seconds, until the mare cums into Null's mouth, moving around in pleasure. Once she finishes, Null prepares to mount her, pushing his tip against her wet entrance, easily slipping inside. Null starts with a slow, steady pace of thrusting. He feels every ridge within the mare, grunting with every thrust as she moans out. Null loses himself in the feeling, barely able to think as he thrusts. The mare starts to shudder, clenching Null's dick hard as she releases for a second time.

"How, are you still, going?" The mare asks between pants.

"I think, you'll find I, last longer than, most stallions." Null says, keeping his pace up.

"Don't, stop." The mare says, letting Null ride her.

Null starts thrusting harder and faster, getting close to his own release. The mare starts spasming again, clenching Null harder than before. The dam breaks, as Null releases in unison with the mare. He lies on top of her, basking in his afterglow.

"We'll, need to clean this up..." The mare says as she lays there.

"Guess that newspaper will be useful for something sfter all..." Null says, nuzzling the mare.

Author's Note

So, trying to write another story alongside my main one. This one will be quite a different experience from my main work. Craziness shall rule this timeline. After all, those who don't accept their own insanity are truly insane. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!