Never Break a Pinkie Promise...
It started with a promise.
Everypony knows a Pinkie promise should never be broken.
Cheese Sandwich had traveled nearly all of Equestria spreading his love of parties to the mundane lives of the ponies he had met. With his faithful assistant Boneless #2 at his side, he journeyed along the less traveled road, following nothing but his instincts. It wasn’t too much of a surprise for Cheese when he found himself on the path to Ponyville. Since his encounter with Pinkie Pie at Rainbow Dash’s birth-a-versary, that little pink pony had stayed on his mind. It was uncanny how much she reminded him of himself, her very mannerisms echoed his own; it only made sense that he would be drawn to her. There was, however, one very distinct difference between them. A difference monumental enough that he was sure she could never truly understand.
When Cheese approached the bright and inviting bakery known as Sugarcube Corner, he heard the unmistakable sound of Pinkie Pie’s voice. He noted, however, that her intonation seemed different.
“That’s what happens…” Pinkie Pie said, followed by a squelching sound. “When you break….” More squelching sounds. “A PINKIE PROMISE!”
Cheese ignored the closed sign on the door and poked his head inside curiously. He saw Pinkie crouched behind the counter, struggling with something just out of sight. He also noticed the absence of curl in her mane and tail, along with the unmistakable splatter of blood on her fur. Pinkie’s head shot up at the sound of his entrance and he saw a flicker of something dark in her eyes. When she saw him, her entire demeanor changed. She gasped in delight, her mane and tail bouncing to life as a wide smile graced her adorable little cheeks.
“Cheese Sandwich!” she squealed, racing to see him with a hug tackle.
When she finally released him, she saw the curious expression on his face.. She looked down at herself and noted the splotches of crimson on her pink coat. She giggled apologetically.
“Oops! Looks like you caught me working… on RED velvet cupcakes. Juuuuuust give me a second and I’ll be right with you!” Pinkie hummed to herself as she bounced back across the room and behind the counter. She ducked out of sight and Cheese heard little grunts of frustration as she attempted to move something.
“Need help?” he asked.
“I-I got it!” Pinkie said, grunting as she spoke. Her back legs were digging into the ground furiously trying and failing to propel her forward. He heard her mutter something under her breath, something about ‘laying off the cupcakes once and awhile.’
Cheese smiled, undeterred by her insistence and approached.
“WAIT!” Pinkie screamed, jumping up and holding out her hooves. However, despite her efforts, Cheese could clearly see the unmistakable outline of a yellow pegasus pony drenched in its own blood, lifeless on the floor.
“Awww… but I really really liked you…” Pinkie said, her lip trembling. “I was hoping you wouldn’t have to see this and I could spare you from meeting your own fa--“
“You do this kind of stuff too?!” Cheese exclaimed happily. Cheese’s declaration caused Pinkie’s eyes to widen in both wonder and confusion. “I thought I was the only one! This is wonderful!” Cheese said, laughing as he joined her behind the counter.
“Uh….” Was all she could say as Cheese examined the now lifeless pony at their hooves.
“Hmm… where are we taking her?” He asked.
Pinkie beamed again, just as brightly as she had when he first arrived.
“And then I said ‘You told me you would come at EXACTLY 2:00, remember?’ and she was all like ‘but… but… I had to save these icky little mice from something or other and I couldn’t make it.’ Normally, I wouldn’t have minded one itsy bitsy teenie weenie bit buuuuut SHE was the one who used the words ‘Pinkie Promise’. I mean, I didn’t TELL her to say that, but she did. I’m not the one who makes the rules here. A Pinkie promise is the most ultimate of all promises ever!” Pinkie Pie said as she sipped her vanilla shake through a swizzle straw.
“Well, that makes sense!” Cheese Sandwich said with a smile. Pinkie blushed and hid her face in her mane. Cheese Sandwich returned the blush with one of his own and there was a small awkward silence between them.
“I am gonna miss her though. She was a great friend, sad to see her go. And you’re absolutely positively sure you’re sure that this doesn’t bother you?” Pinkie asked, looking for any signs of weakness in him. She certainly didn’t want to have to kill him, but she would if she needed to.
“Bother me? Why would this bother me?” He asked with a laugh. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“How so?” Pinkie asked.
“Well… you’ve seen my parties.”
“Your amazingly spectacular ones?”
“Don’t forget epic!”
“Of course not!”
“Not every pony appreciates all of my hard work.” Cheese said, his tone of voice changing.
Pinkie Pie gasped in astonishment.
“Who wouldn’t like a Cheese Sandwich party?”
“Some ponies claim my parties are too wild or too fun! Can you believe it? TOO fun? Then there are those who try to take the credit for the parties I planned! Or worse, they forget I’m even there.”
Pinkie reached out a hoof and smiled reassuringly.
“So then they really get what’s coming.” She said, finishing his thought.
“Well, no pony likes a party pooper, do they?” Cheese said, the familiar bright tone returning to his voice.
“Nope nope nope!” Pinkie said. The two of them made delighted little giggles of joy until the timer on the oven dinged.
“Oooo looks like the goodies are done!” Pinkie said.
“And no pony suspects the wonderfully unique flavor of your cupcakes?” Cheese asked.
“No, silly! And why would they? I’ve been making these cupcakes for quite some time now. The flavor might change a bit from pony to pony but the recipe stays the same.” Pinkie said. She brought the newly baked cupcakes out onto the counter and gingerly placed them on a cooling rack. Cheese smiled and inhaled their delicious scent.
“Want one?” Pinkie asked, offering him a goldeny warm bite.
Cheese gobbled the cupcake whole, delighting on the taste that Pinkie called meat.
“Mmm! You know, I sure would love to watch you work… I mean besides making these AMAZING cupcakes!” He said with a smile.
“Well….” Pinkie said, trailing off a bit as she headed for the frosting. “There are a few errands I have to run after I’m done here. Maybe I could show you my technique! As long as you show me yours, of course.”
“It’s a date!” Cheese exclaimed.
“But it can’t be just any pony.” Pinkie clarified.
“Of course not.” Cheese echoed. “We’ll have to find the right pony. Maybe somepony in town comes to mind?” he asked. While his killings hadn’t been random in the past, Cheese had the urge to show her his skills. After all, she was certainly the mare of his dreams… and his nightmares.
“I might have an idea or two.” Pinkie said, expertly lacing the frosting around one of the cupcakes.
“Here you are darling,” Rarity said. She had done as Pinkie had asked and filled her satchel with gems. “And you say this is for a new recipe?”
“Oh yes, it’s quite crucial to the preparation, you see.” Pinkie said with a smile. Cheese Sandwich was watching her curiously, trying to figure out just what she had in mind.
“If you say so…” Rarity said; making a mental note to inspect any future treats for remnants of rock.
“You’re so delightfully random, Pinkie Pie!” Cheese said as they left the boutique.
“Just you wait and see what I have planned!” Pinkie exclaimed with glee. “I’ll bet you’ve never seen a pony go out like THIS.” She said, bouncing at his side for a moment before he joined her.
“Betcha I can bounce higher!” Cheese challenged.
“Nuh uh!” Pinkie said laughing.
“I was bouncy house champion for three years running.”
“And who do you think took that title away from you, huh?”
“Awhhh I let you win.”
“Uh huhhhh.” Pinkie said with a wink.
“Oh, heyya Pinkie Pie.” Apple Bloom said. Pinkie and Cheese halted their bouncing to greet the little filly. Apple Bloom looked to Cheese Sandwich in confusion “And uh…”
“Cheese Sandwich!” Pinkie said, “You remember, he threw that awesomely terrific party for Rainbow Dash!”
“Oh… but… Ah thought you did that?” Apple Bloom said confused.
The lack of recognition caused Cheese Sandwich’s eye to twitch. His mane and tail made a soft deflating sound as they straightened, much the same way Pinkie’s did when she was sad or angry. Pinkie saw the hint of anger in him that might lead him into making Apple Bloom pie and carefully blocked his path.
“No no no, silly. It was all Cheesy’s idea, Apple Bloom! He is one of the best party ponies ever--“
“Oh yeah! I remember you! You had the goof off with Pinkie. Wait, YOU were the pony that threw the best party ever? I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun! The Crusaders and I won all kinds of prizes and we went on ALL the rides too!” Apple Bloom said, lighting up in her recollection of the event.
Hearing this caused Cheese’s demeanor to change. He smiled and his mane bounced back into life as if nothing had happened.
“I’m glad you liked it! It was a pretty good one, wasn’t it?”
“Yes indeedily!” Pinkie agreed.
“Well, Ah best be going, Granny needs me. See ya later Pinkie Pie! And see you later… uh…” Apple Bloom blushed, trying to recall his name.
“Cheese Sandwich!” Pinkie and Cheese exclaimed together.
“Right! Ah knew that.” Apple Bloom said before making a speedy exit. Cheese watched Apple Bloom scamper away with a glare.
“She’s not the right pony.” Pinkie said, following his thoughts.
“Why not?” Cheese asked, slightly disappointed.
“Well… She’s one of my best friend’s little sisters. And you don’t just go killing your friend’s little sisters. Unless she breaks a Pinkie promise.” Pinkie said.
Cheese bit his lip, the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint Pinkie. This was, how they say, “her party” after all.
“Alrighty then, where is this pony you had in mind?” He asked, finding it difficult to hold back his enthusiasm.
“You’ll see mister impatient pants. She should be juuuuust ahead.” Pinkie said, resuming her delightful little bounce along Ponyville’s dirt road.
“The schoolhouse?” Cheese Sandwich asked. “So it is a filly after all!”
“Not just any filly, she’s the meanie meaniest of all the little fillies. I’ve had my eye on her for a while now, but I never really had any reason to pay her a visit. At least not ‘til today!”
Cheese beamed and followed after Pinkie. He watched the satchel of gems bounce along with her, making little tinkling sounds as they collided into each other. Just what was this pony up to?
Pinkie Pie led Cheese up the small hill to the school house, but not to the front door. She held out a hoof to stop Cheese in his tracks and whispered a quiet “Shhhhhh.”
Following her lead, Cheese and Pinkie crept behind the building and peeked their heads up just enough to look inside. There was a little group of fillies inside fussing over what appeared to be a school newspaper, but there was one pony in particular that caught both of their attention.
“No no no!” Diamond Tiara screamed, stamping her hoof. “You’re missing the POINT! Ponies don’t want to read about THAT part of the Equestria Games, ‘we won this’ and ‘we won that’; BORING! They want to read about Princess Twilight’s dragon friend and his embarrassing display of--“
Diamond Tiara was interrupted by the sound of the schoolhouse bell, signaling the hour. The other fillies sighed in gratitude; elated that they could get away from Diamond Tiara and her oppressive nature.
“I want every pony back here by dawn tomorrow! This paper is not going ANYWHERE until we have a decent story.” Diamond Tiara said. She stuck her nose in the air and stomped her way towards the back door.
Pinkie and Cheese quickly lowered their heads, and Pinkie began to rummage in her pack. As she did so, a quiet but creepy little laugh escaped her lips and her mane began to deflate. She pulled out a plain burlap sack and a rolling pin from under the pile of jewels that Rarity had generously donated to her special recipe. Pinkie passed the rolling pin to Cheese, knowing that he didn’t need to be told what to do with it. When he took it in his mouth, his mane also deflated and he returned her sinister smile. His heart skipped a beat watching her creep into position, waiting on the other side of the door for their little prey to make her exit.
Diamond Tiara shoved open the door and stomped down the steps with her nose in the air. Cheese couldn’t contain his excitement any longer; he let out a delightfully wicked giggle as he bashed the pony’s head from behind, knocking her unconscious. Pinkie carefully dragged her off to the side and ducked out of sight.
“You do it!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“No, you do it!” Cheese answered.
“But you’re so super excited!” Pinkie said, nuzzling him gently and causing a gigantic blush to appear on his face.
“But it’s your brilliant plan, and I’ve got to see you execute it.” Cheese said.
“You mean execute HER!” Pinkie said, laughing at her own joke. Cheese joined in soon after.
“Where… am I?” Diamond Tiara asked; she went to put a hoof to her head but found she was unable to move. Her eyes widened when she saw the terrifying basement she was being held captive. She struggled against the old-looking chair that had restraints bound tightly to her hooves. “Pinkie Pie? What are you doing?! Let me go you insane pink pony!”
“Don’t you EVER call her that!” Cheese Sandwich roared angrily mere inches from the filly’s face.
“Who are you!?” Diamond Tiara asked, her voice cracked in fear although she tried to remain bold.
“Ooooo you shouldn’t have said thaaaaat.” Pinkie Pie giggled from behind them. “Cheese really doesn’t like it when ponies don’t recognize him.” She joined his side and lovingly nuzzled his cheek as he kept his unblinking glare on Diamond Tiara. He softened a little at her presence, but kept his wicked grin.
“And you’re sure you don’t wanna go first?” Pinkie asked.
“No no, mares first.” Cheese said, stepping out of her way.
“What do you want with me? Let me go! My father is going to hear about this! He’ll RUIN you, you hear me?! You’ll never work in this town again you’ll--“ Diamond Tiara was cut off when Pinkie suddenly produced an emerald and shoved it in the filly’s mouth. Diamond Tiara gasped in confusion and spat it out immediately, trying to get the taste off her tongue.
“I hear you have expensive taste Diamond Tiara…” Pinkie said, gently retrieving the emerald and playing with it in her hooves. “I ALSO hear you have quite a mouth. One that tends to make other ponies upset.” Pinkie grabbed a ruby from the little pile of gems on the table beside Diamond Tiara and pushed that one in her mouth. This time, however, she kept her hoof over Diamond Tiara’s mouth so that she couldn’t spit it out. Diamond Tiara thrashed around in confusion making it difficult for Pinkie to keep hold. Cheese Sandwich happily came to the aid, holding the filly’s head still.
“Thank you!” Pinkie said with a smile.
“Any time!” Cheese replied.
“As I was saying… I figured it was about time somepony washed that mouth out with soap for all those nasty little remarks you make about other ponies. But then I remembered you probably are too ‘high and mighty’ for something as common as soap. Maybe you’d prefer if we washed your mouth out with gems instead!” Pinkie said, grabbing a hoof-full of jewels. “There’s one jewel for eeeeevery pony you’ve ever teased. Gee… I hope you can handle them all!”
Diamond Tiara had a look of absolute confusion and terror imprinted on her face, she whimpered and thrashed against Cheese’s grip.
“You’ve already got one, we’ll say that one is Apple Bloom… then there’s Scootaloo…” Pinkie tried to force a second gem in the pony’s mouth but she clamped her mouth shut tighter. “Ah ah ah! That’s cheating, silly!” Pinkie said, plugging her nose until Diamond Tiara opened her mouth to gasp for air. “Aaaand then there’s Sweetie Belle…. And Featherweight…”
Cheese watched Pinkie in adoration. Not once did she lose that delightfully twisted happy attitude of hers.
“Snips… Snails…” Pinkie continued. Diamond Tiara screamed and cried in pain, though it was muffled by the gemstones blocking her windpipe. She gagged, desperately clinging to the small passage of air she had left. Pinkie Pie leaned in close and cocked her head to the side, examining the filly.
“I don’t think you can handle much more without swallowing; guess you shouldn’t have bullied so many ponies!” She said.
Diamond Tiara made a soft gurgle whimpering sound, thrashing her head in Cheese’s hooves. Tears soaked her cheeks as she looked up at Pinkie pleadingly.
“Oh don’t worry, you don’t have to say it; I think I already know!” Pinkie said, she rapidly moved away from her position in front of Diamond Tiara to stand beside her instead. Pinkie pushed her face up against the filly’s head and pretended to speak on her behalf.
“But i’m good now, I don’t bully ponies anymore, just ask all the colts and fillies at school.” Pinkie said mockingly.
Pinkie switched places again, resuming her position in front of Diamond Tiara to ‘respond’.
“You know, just because somepony says they’re sorry, doesn’t mean it makes all the ouchy feelings go away. So now you’re just going to have to feel some ouchy feelings yourself. It’s only fair!”
Pinkie Pie took hold of Diamond Tiara’s snout and pulled it apart as much as she was able. Diamond Tiara screamed out, her tears cascading down her cheeks as Pinkie forced another gemstone past her lips. It turned out to be one too many gemstones for the filly’s cheeks to handle. With nowhere to go, the gems slipped slowly down her throat, and their sharp edges sliced open her flesh. The stream of blood it caused ultimately prevented air to Diamond Tiara’s lungs. She gurgled, her cheeks and neck protruding with the gems they held.
“Huh… you know what I just thought of Cheese Sandwich?” Pinkie said meeting his gaze.
“What’s that?” He asked.
“These little beauties will actually tenderize the meat as they go down!” Pinkie giggled.
Streaks of red filled Diamond Tiara’s watery eyes, and the fit of giggles that followed Pinkie’s joke were the last things Diamond Tiara heard before she slipped away.
Pinkie Pie hummed a little tune as she merrily cleaned up the remains of their fun with Diamond Tiara.
“Now it’s your turn!” She said happily, scrubbing the blood off the chair floor.
“My turn, huh? And do I get to pick the pony?” Cheese asked excitedly.
Pinkie took hold of one of her torture instruments, a pair of pliers, and bopped him on the head with them.
“No. No killing Apple Bloom.” She said.
“Aww but…”
“No.”
“Fine.” Cheese grumbled. Pinkie ascended the stairs with Cheese following close behind. “How am I supposed to know who I can, and can’t kill?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll show you!” Pinkie exclaimed happily. “It’ll be nice to clean Ponyville up of all the meanies.”
She carefully locked the door to the basement and pushed a shelf of cakes in the way to conceal it.
“What are we waiting for?” Cheese asked happily, already racing to the door.
“Don’t you need supplies?” Pinkie wondered.
“Oh, I always have my supplies with me.” Cheese said with a smirk.
The pair of ponies strolled into the Ponyville main square, singing a song of their conquests to come and the attraction they felt for one another. Cheese took a mental notes of the ponies they passed; he nodded his head in their direction, but Pinkie rejected him each time.
“Rose? No, she’s so sweet! Lyra? No… she’s obsessed with humans and it’s kinda fun to hear her crazy stories. Rainbow Dash? No she… okay maybe.” Pinkie said.
Cheese laughed for a moment then stopped in his tracks. His eyes grew wide then his face grew dark and his hair deflated.
“HIM!” he growled, pointing to a stallion buying tomatoes from a nearby cart.
“Pokey Pierce?” Pinkie asked. “But why…”
“Can I?” Cheese asked through clenched teeth.
“Um… okay!” Pinkie said, although she was indeed curious to know the origin of such unbridled anger. She followed Cheese to watch him work from what she considered a safe distance.
“Heya friend!” Cheese said as he poked his head up from behind him. Pokey gasped and took a few steps back in shock while Cheese maneuvered to stand in front of him.
“Do ya still like balloons?” Cheese asked, closing in on him.
“Uhh…” Pokey Pierce said. He backed into a crate of oranges. “Sure?”
“Good!” Cheese declared. “Because as I recall you have quite a history with balloons don’t ya big boy?”
“I uh… I do?” Pokey asked nervously..
“Sure you do! It wasn’t too long ago that you wandered into somepony’s party preparation. As I recall, you were all a quiver over my grand display of balloons. It’s too bad nopony else got to see them since your horn just so happened to POP THEM.” Cheese said, his voice growing more sinister and upset as he continued along. “How is it a unicorn like you can manage to pop so much of somepony else’s hard work, huh? That sure must take a lot of effort. Let’s see if you can do it again, my friend! You’d better pop them all, for your own sake.”.
Just as Pinkie Pie managed to do on numerous occasions before, Cheese pulled from nowhere a hoof-full of uninflated balloons. He blew them up and tied them off so quickly that it was beginning to draw a crowd. In a manner of minutes, the entire street was covered with balloons that were stacked two ponies high. With so many around, it made it impossible for one pony to see another in the chaos. Pinkie pushed her way through the sea of balloons looking for Cheese, and when she found him, she smiled, thoroughly impressed with his work. In the confusion, Cheese had blown a balloon and tied it around Pokey Pierce’s neck. Additionally, dozens of unused balloons had been stretched around Pokey’s hooves, binding them together and rendering them useless to assist him. He was gasping for air, trying desperately to pop the balloon with the stifled magic from his unicorn horn.
“Oh there’s really no need for all that.” Cheese said as he admired his own work. “Kinda hard to do magic when you’re suffocating, isn’t it? It’s ALSO kinda hard to ruin somepony else’s work without that pesky horn of yours getting in the way. Clock’s ticking, you know. I’m willing to bet those little lungs of yours will ‘pop’ before that balloon does!”
Pinkie giggled in delight and joined Cheese.
“Wow! I never would have seen this coming!” she declared.
“In broad daylight too! Top that, cutie pie.” Cheese said with a wink. Pinkie let out a little squee as they watched the stallion plead for mercy. Only a few moments later, Pokey gasped his last breath.
“But I will have to deduct points because I already killed by suffocation. Not too creative, Cheesy!”
“Awww shoot. I’ll impress you yet!” Cheese said.
It took some doing, but the ponies in the town square popped or magicked the sea of balloons away. By the time they were gone; Pinkie, Cheese, and Pokey had vanished.
Pinkie and Cheese were nuzzled on a park bench watching the sun set on their perfect day of mayhem.
“Hey Cheese?” Pinkie asked looking up at him.
“Yeah?”
“This was the most splendorific of all first dates in the history of first dating!” She declared.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Cheese said with a blush.
“Buuuut maybe next time we should tone it down a bit… I mean, I love a good barbeque bonfire as much as the next pony, but I do have to live here, ya know.” Pinkie said. She looked over at the beautiful blaze coming from a green Pegasus pony who had been set alight. It was rather humorous to watch him fly around frantically until he didn’t have the strength, and instead would roll around on the ground in an effort to douse the flame.
“I figured this would save you a step, you won’t have to bake this one into a cupcake, just gotta get some frosting is all.” Cheese said with a smile.
“Oooo and he looks like he’ll be good with a cherry on top!” Pinkie declared.
Cheese smiled and surprised his little murdering fiend with a kiss. Pinkie closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment until she heard an unwelcome sound.
“MININ!?” A pink unicorn screamed, looking at the charred remains of the pegasus on the ground. “NO! MININ! OH MY GOD, PLEASE NO!”
Pinkie let out an exasperated sigh and pulled away from Cheese. She bounced towards the panicking mare, gracefully snapped her neck, then bounced back.
“Muuuuch better!” She sang before giving him a little peck on the cheek. Before Cheese had a chance to respond, Pinkie gasped and sat up quickly saying, “WE SHOULD THROW A PARTY!”
“Of course!” Cheese agreed.
“So we can…”
“...get rid of all the evidence and have a super great time with your friends?!” Cheese finished.
“YES!” Pinkie said. “How else will we get to use all these ingredients? You know, before they go bad. Oooo we can serve little miss fussy pants to her daddy, won’t that be fun?”
“You are delightful.” Cheese said blowing a tuft of hair from her eyes. “and I Pinkie Promise to make this party the best party ever.”
“You’d better, or you know the consequences!” Pinkie said. The pair of them snuggled and giggled into the night.
Author's Note
This was a really fun piece to write, I actually wrote the first draft YEARS ago and forgot about it! Hope you all enjoyed it, it's a silly little piece not to be taken TOO seriously ;)
