...No, I'm serious! Spies!
Author's Note
This is just a random, rather stupid one shot.
Its crazy, goofy, silly, nonsensical, absurd...and probably didn't need to be written.
But I regret nothing.
(And word to the wise: pay attention to your pets. How do you know they really aren't spies? Hmmm??)
...No, I'm serious! Spies!
It's just an average day in Ponyville. Blue sky. Sunshine. Ponies going about their daily lives, far too busy to notice me as I slip out of my home on a quest to find injustice. Although, come to think of it, why does nopony notice me? After all, it isn't every day that a small green alligator walks out of his home unaccompanied by his hyperactive pink assignment.
You heard me. Assignment.
You see, everypony believes that Pinkie Pie is my owner...which, in fact, is not the case at all. Oh, I play along, not correcting the mistake, and not even she knows the real truth. And it is quite difficult to shield her from it. That pony knows everything. It's uncanny. Luckily, I know how to keep my wits about me and not betray who and what I really am.
I am called Gummy, but in reality my name is Special Agent G. Gum...I belong to the LAS, or League of Animal Spies.
(Yes, I know...not the most glorious of names. It's a working title!)
Anyway, LAS has one goal in mind: assign an animal agent to each and every pony they can, for protection. That's right. What the ponies call 'pets' are, in reality, secret agents sent to protect them. And for the most part, it goes according to plan.
But there are agents who go rogue. Who, instead of protecting their assignments, turn against them and actively seek to cause grave annoyance and even harm. And those of us who are good and pure and true, we seek out those agents, those blights upon the name of LAS, and bring them to justice. Justice that typically was nothing more than a sound lecture and a few hours of going through basic field agent training again. Basically a slap on the hoof. Or paw. Or claw. Whatever. Not how I would have chosen to do things, but in all honesty, we can't really afford to lose any agents, so only the very worst of the worst rogues are ever truly punished. The rest we reform.
That is what I am up to today. I am going to meet with some of my fellow animal agents to discuss the newest threat: a certain white cat, reported to have gone rogue and become impossible to deal with and control.
I knew this cat. We all knew this cat, the agents I was about to meet. Truthfully, I am surprised she went this long without her bad behaviour being detected by our agency.
I make my way to our pre-determined meeting place behind the very familar Carosel Boutique, pleased to noticed my fellow agents already present.
'Agent G. You're late.'
This astute observation from the somewhat grumpy white rabbit who glares at me. Agent A. Bunny.
'My apologies, Agent A.' I reply, coolly.
'No worries, sugarcube!' This from Winona...or Agent W. Win.
Sounds just like the Element of Honesty, that one does. And to think, she didn't have that country accent when she was first assigned to the Apples.
'Whoo! Whoo! Quite true! No worries, you!' Agent O. Owl.
What? You thought he couldn't talk? Rest assured, he does. At least to us. And slot of the time in rhymes, just like Zecora the Zebra. And did you really believe he just showed up in the nick of time and became Twilight Sparkle's nighttime assistant?
No.
Like all of us, he was assigned. And he's done pretty well, too. I have especially been amused by his banter with Spike. The constant "whoo" may be redundant, but Spike's expression never fails to bring joy to my little reptilian heart.
'Ok, enough chatter.' Agent T. Turtle. 'I looked inside; she's in the front room.'
Armed with that info, we infiltrate the boutique, intent on justice. Agent Opal. Essence never sees us coming. Rather than act afraid or surprised, though, she merely glares at us icily and haughtily from her perch on Rarity's sewing table.
'Agent Opal. You have been causing no end of trouble for your assignment, and we are here to bring you to justice!' I say stoutly, glaring up at her.
'Oh how frightfully dull.' She replies, sarcastically. 'I am afraid, Agent G., that I will not be going anywhere.'
'You misunderstand, my friend.' This from Agent O. 'This is where your meanness ends.'
'How does that even make sense?!' Agent A grumbles.
'Ah think he means that we're not takin' her anyplace, but reformin' her right here an' now.' Agent W. chips in.
'Reforming?' Agent Opal suddenly starts to cackle. 'Good one, my fellow agents. But I do not reform. I conquer. First my assignment falls, then the rest of this town, then all of Equestria!'
'Oh, so now she has plans for world domination? Fantastic.' Agent T. huffs out.
'We will not allow that, Agent Opal.' I announce firmly. 'If we fail to reform you, then you will be removed and replaced. I hope you will not make that happen.'
'Oh, spare me the pleas!' Agent Opal scoffs. 'It doesn't become you, and I will not listen! Now, since you dare invade my territory...you will suffer the consequences!'
She lunges, taking us all by surprise, claws extended. Her wrathful eyes indicate a deep determination to exterminate those who oppose her. We barely avoid her attack as we jump out of her way.
'Alright! The hard way it is, then!' Agent A whoops, as he prepares to spring.
I roll my eyes. He always likes a good fight, that rabbit. A hiss is my only warning before the enraged rogue agent lands on my back. Lucky for me, her claws can't penetrate through my extremely tough scales. I throw her off, and Agent T. buzzes over, hovering in front of her as he swings his front legs in a genuine effort to fight her. Like everything else, though, his punches are too slow...and Agent Opal bats him away with both paws, sending him headlong into the wall. She then resumes her attack on us.
As we fight back, it becomes apparent that we are not going to be successful in this reformation attempt. That only leaves us one option. And, as painful as it may be, we know it has to be done.
Agents O., W., A., and myself converge on the smirking feline, pouncing before she can prepare for the attack. In seconds, it's all over, and the subdued rogue agent is carried out on the back of Agent W., to be taken to our agency's main headquarters elsewhere. The rest of us exchange glances.
Time to execute Plan B.
********************************
(Epilougue)
"And then we were all like 'chaaaarge!', and we did, and the fight was super duper, and we won!" My assignment shrieks in excitement.
The Bearers have returned from their excursion. Pinkie has been telling me all about it while I sit on the counter and focus my green stare on her, my trademark slow blinks the only sign I am listening.
Plan B has gone off without a hitch, thankfully...nopony any the wiser to the Agent Opal double now at the boutique. Well...almost.
The doorbell jingles and a white unicorn enters, looking flummoxed, a familiar being on her back.
"Pinkie Pie, darling," Rarity says, in confusion. "Have you seen Fluttershy? I need her to look at my dear Opalesence here. She has been behaving oddly since my return."
"How so?" Pinkie asks.
"She has insisted on being totally affectionate and loving and fetching things for me." The puzzled unicorn replies. "I do not know what to make of it. It is like it's not even the same Opalesence that I left at home three days ago!"
The white cat looks at me around the purple mane...a knowing and conspiratorial look, accompanied by a very sly grin.
My only response? A slow, barely noticeable wink.
I do not regret anything...unless it is the fact we could not reform the original Opalesence. But that is no matter now. It's been taken care of.
Another rogue agent brought to justice by the LAS.
I love my job.
