There is Blood Everywhere and You're Still Fixated on the Stuffed Crust!?

by TheDriderPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1794

But it's so cheesy... who has time to think of anything else?

Twilight's friends try to work out what to order to eat.
Meanwhile, Twilight seems... somewhat distracted by something.
If only she'd just say what it is.

Written after being given only the title as a prompt for inspiration.

Published 2018-10-23 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-23 16:30:01 UTC

Are we really just going to gloss right over that?

"Twilight, stop yelling and just hear me out for a sec. They put cheese... inside the crust."

"Yes Rainbow, I'm familiar with the concept. I just feel there's some more important things we should be focusing on first."

"Yeah, like how Ah'm not paying an extra ten bits just so you can get a bit more cheese."

"It's not just a bit more cheese," Rainbow Dash snorted indignantly, "They put it inside the crust so you can eat the crust and it's not just all bland and blah."

"And it's not just cheese either," Pinkie added from across the table, "You can get pretty much anything that you want put in it! Right?"

Their server, a teen colt with a greasy apron and greasier face, didn't change expression, but spoke with a voice as bland as unstuffed crust and as miserable as his three bits-per-hour paycheck. "For the Supremo Princess Pizza option, our chefs will put anything you want inside the stuffed crust from apples to Zebrican peppers."

An eyebrow rose as sudden interest colored the farm mare's voice. "Apples you say?"

"Oh, hay no! I am not going to let you put apples in it and ruin a perfectly good stuffed crust pizza!"

"An just what is wrong with apples?"

"It's a fruit! You can't put fruit on a pizza, let alone stuff the crust with it."

A heavy dollop of blood coalesced on the ceiling above them. With a meaty squelch, it parted ways with its compatriot fluids and started a very brief journey groundward. Said journey was interrupted by the brim of a stetson, of which its owner seemed to take no notice.

"Girls," Twilight interrupted, "I really think we need to get our priorities in order..."

"Cheese stuffed!"

"Apple stuffed!"

"Ah, excuse me," Fluttershy piped up beneath their bickering. "What kind of vegetarian options do you have?"

The pizza colt turned his attention to her at the speed of molasses. A distorted version of Fluttershy's face reflected in the still liquid sheen of blood on his apron. "...Pizza." He finally replied, "Without meat."

"What kind of meat would you even put on a pizza?" Pinkie mused. "Is there a secret menu for griffons?"

"Oh!" Rainbow Dash snapped out of her argument as a new idea hit her brain like brick of parmesan. "Anchovies! We gotta get an anchovy stuffed crust!"

Applejack scowled and made a disgusted sound. "Ugh, fish. Ah ain't having none of your freaky pegasus foods on my pizza."

"Wow AJ, way to bring tribalism into it."

"You know what Ah meant."

Meanwhile, Twilight was doing an excellent job of turning a mental breakdown into an art form. Blood dripped down her face as she made the unwise decision to try and massage away her rising headache. "Are we really doing this? Are we really just not going to acknowledge any of this?"

"Acknowledge what, darling?" Rarity finally put down the wine list to give her friend some attention.

"I- wha- The blood! Everywhere!" Drips of crimson lifeforce splattered across the table as she gesticulated wildly. "I'm up to my fetlocks in blood and nopony seems to care!"

"Oh, was that what you were worried about?" Rarity leaned in closely and whispered, not that she needed to under all the arguing from across the table, "Let me tell you a little secret that should take all your worries away."

Twilight perked up, elated that somepony was going to confirm that she was not the crazy mare in this scenario.

"Vinegar," Rarity whispered with a grin.

The unicorn leaned back in satisfaction while Twilight's elated expression shifted down the spectrum to 'more confused than ever'. "Huh?"

"Well that or white cooking sherry, in a pinch," Rarity continued, "It'll take bloodstains out of your coat like nothing else. Why, I can't count the number of times when I've had a client drop by unexpectedly and it saved me from greeting them colored like a Potluck painting "

Twilight paused a she felt the tickle of yet another drop hitting her head and beginning to make its way through her mane and down her back. "I have even more questions now, but my brain can only take so much at a time so I'm going to repress and compartmentalize all that away for later."

"It's stress darling, far too much stress on your shoulders." Rarity daintily patted Twilight's withers, unfortunately applying more bloody ooze to Twilight's oh-so-sensitive wings. "That's why we decided to have this little get-together after all. A nice, civil outing with friends to help dial down the stress." She ignored Applejack and Rainbow Dash as they argued their respective views in ever-increasing volume across the table. "Even then, I hate to think of what even a nice thin crust pizza will do to my diet."

Pinkie gave her a look. "Thin crust? Oh Rarity, you know we're getting deep dish."

"Oh I should think not! Far too many calories, for one thing, and too gummy to cut as well. No, a nice thin crust pizza, pleasantly crispy and easily cuttable into polite, civilized, bite-sized pieces."

Pinkie's eyes seemed to flare and something dark entered her voice. "Rarity... have you ever even had deep dish?"

"Well I-"

"It's like cake!" Pinkie's hoof slammed into the table, making the utensils rattle in their puddles. "A pizza cake! So spongy and filling and full of flavor! You haven't lived until you've ordered a deep dish pizza, slipped the waiter a platinum bit, and told him to put on all the toppings!"

Twilight's eyes wandered the room idly, as she seemed to have reached a strange plateau of calmness in her ongoing climb up the Mount Canter of breakdowns. "Luna, I'd like to wake up now. I don't know if I'm supposed to learn a lesson or if this is just a nightmare from going to bed hungry, but I'd really like to end it now."

"Ma'am's, I need you to either tell me your order, or tell me you're not ready so I can get back behind the counter."

"Anchovy and mozzarella stuffed crust!"

"Apple-stuffed crust!"

"Deep dish with all the toppings!"

"Thin crust with white sauce."

"..maybe just some breadsticks..."

"This is Tartarus. It's Tartarus isn't it? I did something bad and this is my eternal punishment: Listening to my friends argue amongst themselves for all of time and being unable to make them see or even address the real problem."

Six faces turned to Twilight.

"That wasn't a pizza, Twilight." Pinkie said seriously. "We need a tiebreaker."

"This is a very important decision." Rainbow Dash continued. "So just tell the waiter that you want a nice stuffed crust pizza..."

"With apples."

"I really couldn't care less about the crust, but Twilight, I'm sure with your Canterlot upbringing you should be well aware of the subtle delicacy of a nice thin crust."

"Go deep or go home!"

Twilight looked from expectant face to expectant face. At the splatter and blowback which sprinkled those faces, and the pools which soaked the cushions of their booth and oozed like a sticky toffee pudding whenever somepony shifted their weight.

"...How can you all sit there and ask me that so normally?"

"Well 'What do you wanna eat?' is a pretty normal question."

Something snapped and shattered then. "Normal? Normal?! Nothing about this is normal! It's not normal for a family restaurant to look like the site where a death cult exsanguinates their victims in sacrifice to some dark god! It's not normal for ponies to ignore an ocean of blood and focus on pizza toppings!"

"We haven't even got to toppings yet..." Fluttershy commented, unheard.

"It's not normal! Not normal in the slightest and I have no idea what's going on or why or how or whose blood this even is and I am very possibly starting to ever so slightly lose it a bit!

Applejack shrugged. "If anything weren't normal, don't you think somepony would have said something?"

Twilight's eyelid started to twitch so rapidly that it outpaced the frame rate of the others' ability to see it properly. "Me! That would be me! I'm saying something. I've been saying something for five minutes but nopony's listening!"

The blood was everywhere. It ran down the walls in thick rivulets and pooled on the floor like thick slush after an early spring thaw. There was not a pony among them that didn't look like an extra from a slasher film. And nopony seemed to care! Pressure built in Twilight's head; fear, confusion, revulsion and horror all swirling together in a veritable maelstrom of wild energy and emotion with no port of sanity in sight. There was a final snap, and Twilight's eyes went white. She collapsed face first into the greasy paper of their appetizer, a tiny bit of foam leaving her mouth.

The others stared silently for a moment.

"Are you sure it was a good idea to not tell her?" Rarity asked. "It seems almost cruel."

The server nodded, slowly as ever, and spoke as though reciting from a prepared statement. "Though rare, a small subset of ponies suffer from a chemical imbalance which may result in an adverse reaction to our 'Hot n' Fiery!' pepper-stuffed mushroom popper appetizers. It is not recommended that these ponies consume more than the suggested serving size. Symptoms may include, but are not limited to, increased perspiration, fainting spells, and vivid hallucinations. For the customers' safety, please do not acknowledge or contradict their delusions. Mamma Mia's Pizzeria is not liable for any side effects of its cuisine."

"Eh, serves her right for eating the whole plate." Rainbow Dash commented idly, not a speck of blood to be seen about her person.

"We can always order another plate, you know." The equally pristine Applejack pointed out.

"I would have liked to try some." Fluttershy added quietly. "I think I could handle it. I have some... prior experience with perception-altering foods."

"Yeah!" Pinkie cheered. "Garçon! Another order of pepper-stuffed mushroom poppers for the table! No, make it two! Fun hallucinations all around!"

Rarity sighed. "Considering Pinkie is with us, I really should have consigned this to be a cheat day from the start. Ah well, c'est la vie. Still, I think I'll limit myself to tasting only one or two." She glanced at Twilight. "Though I doubt I will be susceptible, Twilight didn't seem to quite be having the most enjoyable experience."

"Oh!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed suddenly. "Even better idea! Let's take the poppers and use them as the stuffing for the stuffed crust!"

A rousing cheer rose up from five ponies, as well half-conscious mumbled ramblings about blood and cheese and friendship from the sixth.