Even to this day, I find it amazing how effortlessly I can read ponies like an open book. Their goals, motivations and convictions are like the notes of a song of which I am the composer. Let me wax a little on my latest masterpiece.
When I first moved to Ponyville, it didn't take long for me to hear about The Cutie Mark Crusaders. Those fillies seemed to dabble in everything from solving mysteries to helping outlaws find their place. And of course, they were always willing to help anyone in need without any benefit to themselves. I wonder if anycreature has taken that generosity and stabbed them in the back with it yet. Clearly not. I guess I'll have the honor of being first.
Soon after the School of Friendship opened and I began my studies, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom began telling anycreature who would listen that they wanted to join Twilight's school. It was kind of predictable really. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had been learning friendship from Twilight and the others for years. And like most fillies and colts, they would use any excuse to avoid having to do real schoolwork.
Then there is Headmare Twilight. I have had to be careful around her, always keeping up the act of a sweet and caring filly. While she is sanctimonious and preachy to the last, Twilight is also skeptical enough to know when somepony is trying to fool her.
Having the Crusaders intentionally fail a friendship test would be too obvious, so I acted as their proxy and made sure Twilight knew that they were responsible for the results. And now, just a few hours later, here I am, eavesdropping on a meeting in Twilight's office that will result in the School of Friendship having three new students admitted out of pity. Although all this is merely laying the foundation of my plans, I still allow myself a quiet giggle at how easily everything fell into place.
"I know we wanted to be invited inside, but it kinda went different in my head," Scootaloo says. I suppose she thought Twilight and her friends wouldn't see through their half-witted attempts to get admitted.
"I can't believe you'd do something like this!" Twilight shouts. I can't tell if she's angry or surprised. Maybe the Princess of Friendship just can't bring herself to admit that she isn't as good a teacher as she thought. If Twilight doubts herself, all the better for my plans. Let her rot in Tartarus and think about how she utterly failed her students. I savor that thought for a moment and continue to listen.
"Like what?" Apple Bloom asks. If these three geniuses managed to solve mysteries with anything more than dumb luck, I'll eat my curls.
"You are Cozy Glow's tutors, aren't you?" Twilight replies, not bothering to answer Apple Bloom's question. Yes, they were quite useful in teaching me the words and actions I could use to accumulate friends.
"We've been working with her for days!" Scootaloo actually seems to take pride in her work with me. Sheesh, I think she actually believes the drivel she's been drilling into me for the past few days. After I am Empress, I think it will be entertaining to lift the veil of deception from her eyes and see her whole world crumble.
"That's what she told me. So you've been setting her up to fail?!"
No. No no no no NO! All my plans for the future come crashing down like a stack of Ocellus' books (of which I have been an unfortunate victim). I didn't forsee this outcome. From my observations, Twilight isn't normally one to suspect her friends of wrongdoing. What error could I have made?
From their outbursts the Crusaders seem just as surprised as I am. All ears are on Twilight now.
"I know you're upset that I won't let you come to my school, but to teach Cozy all the wrong things out of spite... That's just cruel!"
I begin to see where I went wrong in my little scheme and consider my options. There are several ponies I could use to rectify this, but none I can think of that wouldn't raise a slight suspicion about me. I could go to the Crusaders' older sisters, but thanks to the trio's previous fumbling they might support Twilight's judgement. As I decide my next course of action, the rest of the meeting plays out.
"But we taught her all the right things!" the airheaded one, Sweetie Belle, splutters out in righteous protest.
"Then how do you explain these friendship test answers? What are the six Elements of Harmony? Five turtlenecks and a cheese grater? Who is the Princess of Friendship? Your mom?!" Twilight reads each response with growing incredulity. I think my idiotic answers actually offended her sensibilities. I admit I went a little overboard with failing my friendship test, but it isn't every day one gets to mock the Princess of Friendship.
"I... I don't understand," Apple Bloom mutters dumbly.
"Me neither. I never thought you three would pull such a mean prank. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to stay away from my school. And my students."
I marvel at Twilight's hypocrisy. She claims to be the Crusaders' friend and mentor, yet she's easily willing to believe they would do something so nasty after knowing them for years. Perhaps I have misjudged her.
Upon arriving at this school, my first impression was that Princess Twilight Sparkle was merely an autocrat surrounded by sycophants that pretended to believe her propaganda. Yet, over time it has become clear to me that Twilight and her followers truly believe that friendship is magic.
Ah yes it makes sense now. Twilight's pride in her school and by extension her ability to spread friendship blinds her to how badly she treated the Crusaders. The School of Friendship is the Princess' pride and joy. When it's threatened, she won't stop at anything to defend it. I take note of that and mentally file it away for future use.
As I once again ponder how to keep my plans on the rails, I remember Apple Bloom telling me how this school almost wasn't opened in the first place, thanks to one Chancellor Neighsay. That is, until Twilight received some much needed advice from one of her friends.
Inspiration strikes.
"Oh no," I mutter as I walk away from the three downcast fillies leaving Twilight's office. This part will be rather annoying. Still, my next tool will be an excellent addition to the oeuvre.
The School of Friendship will be mine. Equestria and the worlds beyond will follow. There are no alternatives. Everything will go according to plan.
Author's Note
Cozy is one freaky filly. The next one will continue into Cozy's encounter with Counselor Starlight.
My saccharine persona lets me befriend all different kinds of creatures and manipulate them. I use the power of friendship for my own gain and don't bother with ideology. What's great about telling everypony what they want to hear is that there is no dogma to it.
Perhaps that's why I find myself disappointed in the School of Friendship's guidance counselor, Starlight Glimmer. She used to rule others with friendship as well, but she was still restricted by what she believed. All Twilight really had to do was deconstruct her worldview in order to convert her to team 'friendship is magic'. Starlight had the makings of a cunning conqueror at one point, however, I'm sad to say she's fallen quite far from the path.
But I don't live in the past. The time is fast approaching when the past will be quite irrelevant anyway. I arrive at the Guidance Counselor's office and push the door in.
"Yay," Starlight mutters dryly. She's too busy arranging her bookshelf notice me. "Now I'll alphabetize them in reverse order. Not much need for a guidance counselor at a school of friendship."
Interesting. Even though Starlight is one of Twilight's pitiful lackeys now, she isn't satisfied with her position. I decide to dig a little deeper into that in a few moments, but I'll have some fun with her first.
"Ahem."
"AAHH!" The stool Starlight was standing on topples over, spilling her onto the carpet. It's only through years of practice that I manage to avoid guffawing and fake a wince instead.
She looks up at me, wide eyed. "How much of that did you hear?! Uh, never mind!"
A second later Starlight teleports back to her desk and plasters on a fake smile. I note that her initial instinct is to cover up her vulnerabilities and that magic is her first resort in doing so. I'm even more intrigued now.
When I don't say anything, she laughs nervously. "Welcome! Can I get you a comfort pillow? Security blanket? Empathy cocoa?"
While she's talking she magically hurls the blanket and pillow at me. I restrain myself from calling her a litany of colorful words that come to mind and get to the matter at hoof.
"Uh, I just need some advice," I say, starting up my usual confused, innocent filly routine.
"Oh! Well, I have plenty of that! Anecdotes, insight, midnight confessions... I'm babbling. Go ahead. I'm listening." Starlight folds her hooves and adopts a 'concerned-counselor' pose. She's trying so hard to force herself into the role Twilight gave her. But I've already seen a few loose strands that I can tug at.
Now I adopt a babyish tone. "I think I got my friends in trouble. They helped me study for my friendship test, and I failed it... on purpose."
Almost immediately I get results. Her cool demeanor breaks into incredulity. "Why would you do that?! Uh, sorry. Listening."
Time for the masterstroke. "Well, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wanted to go to this school more than anything. So I thought if I showed Headmare Twilight they're bad at friendship, she'd let them come here with me."
A sly look spreads across Starlight's face. "That's devious! I-I mean, I see."
I grin inwardly. My little gambit has paid off quite nicely. Now that I've heard what I wanted, I add a touch of self blame to wrap things up.
"I guess I still have a lot to learn about friendship," I confess, hiding a smirk at the double meaning there. Part of the reason I came to this school is to hone my talent for manipulation. There are still alot of future friendship lessons to come that I need to twist to my purposes.
"Actually, I think you're doing all right. Sure, that was a really, really bad way to try to help your friends, but what matters is you wanted to."
This time I can't keep myself from smiling. Yes, the ends always justify the means. Anypony that says otherwise doesn't have the stomach to get what they want. There is still some of the old Starlight left after all.
Starlight continues, "The reason the Cutie Mark Crusaders don't go to this school is because they'd make better teachers than students."
I give her nudge in the direction I want this to go. "So you do have a place for them here?"
"Hmmm..." She thinks for a moment and grins at me. "Meet me at Twilight's office in an hour. I think I have something in mind."
"Wow, really?! Golly, thank you sooo much Ms. Glimmer!"
I skip out of the office and down the hall until I'm out of sight. Things went even better than I expected. Not only will the Crusaders be allowed in the school, but now they'll be teaching too. With their help I can easily become the best student in this school and earn Headmare Twilight's trust and respect.
And that isn't even the best part. I had only planned to tell Starlight that I didn't study hard enough for my test. But by revealing the smallest bit of my plans, I managed to learn that my initial assumptions about her were not quite accurate. Within that washed up counselor I still see hints of her dark potential. All I have to do is bring those traits to the surface and break her off from her friends. Then it will be a matter of a few well-placed words to get her to do my bidding.
Once my rule begins, Starlight Glimmer will be a useful instrument to control my subjects. If she refuses, I'll dump her in Tartarus with Twilight's gang.
Serve me or be forgotten. Those are the choices I'm giving her and everypony else. They'd better get used to it.
