“Cal stood in the kitchen of the Ponyville castle, staring out at the sun peeking out from behind the distant cartoon hills,” Cal narrated.

“If you keep narrating like that, I’ll cut your tongue off,” said Twilight. Cal had been living in her castle for a week now, and no amount of positive thinking or telling herself he’d eventually get a job and/or leave could stop her insatiable bloodlust.

“Twilight, what is the meaning of life?” Cal asked.

“Boy, jumping right in the deep end today, huh?”

“My life used to be filled with quiet moments staring out of kitchen windows, wondering whether it was morning or night and coming up with new ways to describe liquid brown thing as I narrate my life in my underwear, dressing gown and slippers.” Cal flicked his hair for dramatic effect, though what he was trying to affect was unknown. Whatever reason he had, the effect was ineffective, as it had no affect.

“Look, a week ago, I would’ve been all aboard the sympathy train,” Twilight started, “but you haven’t paid me any rent, you’ve used up all my coffee, and you refuse to wash those clothes.”

“What would I wear in the meantime?” Cal asked. “Thanks to you, I have no other clothes to wear. And anyway, these are the only clothes I owned.”

“Then… Then you’re being redundant!”

“Twilight, no one is impressed by your magic.”

Twilight took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that my experiments led you being stuck in Equestria, but that’s no excuse to not get a job and pay me some rent.”

“I won the court case, Twilight,” Cal reminded her. “You owe me a place to live, so I’m gonna live in your kitchen until you either find a way to send me home or ask me to help save the world.”

“Uh… What? Where did that come from?”

“I’m a human in a weird, alien world. Clearly, I’m the chosen one and it’s down to me to save the world from whatever evil thing is around, preferably a coffee monster to be thematic, or something that needs opposable thumbs.”

“Y’know where you can stick your opposable thumbs?” Twilight growled. “You do realise any random unicorn can do more with magic-”

“”-Than I can,” said Twilight,” said Cal.

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, Twilight, look…” Cal picked up a coin lying on the counter and moved it behind her ear, then back out from behind her ear. “Look what I found behind your ear.”

“Wow! A coin!” Twilight rolled her eyes.

“No, it’s your dignity. Cal put the coin into his dressing gown pocket.” He did so. “And it’s all mine.”

Cal woke up outside of the Ponyville castle with a very swollen black eye.

“This must be a sign, he said,” said Cal. “It’s my call to adventure. I’ve gotta save the world.” Cal started walking towards town, looking for somewhere to fill his once again empty coffee mug. He spotted a child sitting on a bench, reading a book about mathematics. Like any half-naked thirty year old man would do, Cal ran up to the child and swatted the book out of his hooves. “Hey, child, wanna help me save the world?”

“Hecker yeah, gorilla thing!” Cheered Snails.

“We must find coffee, child. Coffee. We must not call it coffee.”

“What do we call it then?”

“Make some shit up. I like ‘cup of jack’.”

“‘Gorilla juice’?”

“Cal smiled,” Cal smiled. “That’s more like it.” He began running, and beckoned Snails to follow him. The two ran down to the end of the street, then suddenly stopped.

“Over there, gorilla thing!” Snails cried. “It’s a Gorillabucks!” He pointed, and Cal’s gaze did see it: A coffee shop.

Cal picked up a pair of sunglasses off the street, put them on, then took them off and put them into his pocket. “Hecker damn…”

The two approached the shop and peered inside the window. The mare at the till was worried by this, and was almost tempted to reach for her tin can to call the police.

“Alright, child, take this…” Cal pulled the coin from his pocket and gave it to him. “This is a dangerous operation, but your boundless loyalty has spoken for itself.”

“Ready for some hecker action, sir!” Snails salluted.

“I need you, said Cal, to take this coin, he continued, and go inside the store.” Cal paused for a moment and checked if anybody was watching. Many people were. “What you need to do, child, is buy the brown water. As much as you hecking can.”

Snails gasped. “So much profanity!”

“I know, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Can you do this, child?!” Cal shouted.

“Hecker yeah, gorilla thing!” Snails cheered again.

“Go get ‘em, champ,” Cal slapped him on the shoulder, “I’ll keep watch.”

As Snails ran into the store, Cal turned around and leaned on the glass like the coolest cucumber, donning his floor glasses for extra effect.

“Now this effect is affecting the effect of my personal effects! Cal declared,” said Cal. “He was only mildly disappointed when one of the lenses fell out of the glasses.” He kicked the lense aside. “In his own way, he looked even better.” A passing mare stared in confusion as she passed him. “Hey, baby,” he winked, “are you hot water? ‘Cause I’d like to dissolve in you.”

The mare showed her affection for Cal with a swift kick to his genitalia.

“Joke’s on you, I’m infertile,” said Cal, as he fell to the ground.

“Mr Gorilla! Mr Gorilla!” Cried Snails, running out of the store with a styrofoam cup of coffee. “I have the wet chocolate!”

“Fantastic job, you hecker child!” Cal mumbled somewhat thanks to the ground he had face planted into. He pulled his mug out from under himself. “Pour as much as you can into this!”

Snails carefully took off the lid of the styrofoam cup and began pouring the discount coffee into the mug. He was able to pour about half before running out of mug.

Cal climbed to his feet, spilling most of the coffee in the process. “Good job, child, now refill my jack mug with that icky sticky.” After he’d done so, Cal took a huge gulp of the coffee and sighed in joy. “As sweet as fresh goat piss. Thanks, child. Go away.”

Cal went back to the castle.

Author's Note

Surely, Cal is the greatest man in the world. Also, the only man in the world.