Villian, Thy Name is Addiction!
Author's Note
This may or may not be badly written.
I don't care.
Now...excuse me. I'm in the sudden mood for cake.
The Intervention
"Sister, I really do not think this is wise."
Luna stood shaking her head as she watched the scene before her. Celestia huffed and gave her a baleful look.
"The nerve of that pony!" She whined, around a mouthful of chocolate cake. "Saying that I am addicted to cake!"
She grabbed a nearby cupcake and shoved it into her now empty mouth. Luna sighed.
"She did have a point, Tia."
"I am not addicted!!"
"Really?"
"Really!"
Luna gave her a look and pointed to the table in front of her. It was covered in cakes, cupcakes, and a few stray donuts and cookies...most of which had bites missing. Celestia blinked.
"I do not have an addiction to cake." She insisted, despite the current evidence to the contrary.
"Sister, this pony said you have a cake addiction, and you dealt with the insult by retiring here and eating as much cake as possible!!"
Celestia huffed. "Well...it's how I handle stress. I eat cake. Lots of cake. That does not mean I have an addiction."
"Really?" Luna arched an eyebrow. "Then you won't mind if I cast a simple spell to clear all this cake out of-"
"Don't you dare touch my cake!!" Celestia shouted, wrapping her forelegs around as much of it as she could and ignoring the frosting being mashed into her white fur. "You leave my cake alone! I'm warning you!"
"No addiction, you say?" Luna deadpanned.
"No, I don't!"
"Sister, you're hugging the cake so I cannot remove it from the room. I believe that qualifies as addiction."
Celestia glared at her, hugging her cake tighter.
"Leave my cake and me alone, Luna. I mean it."
Groaning, the younger sister turned and left the dining room.
It was time to do something about Celestia's excessive fondness for cake.
It was time for an intervention. But she would backup. And luckily, she knew just who to bring in.
**********************************
A Royal Gaurd escorted the Element Bearers to the throne room, as per Luna's orders. Luna was pacing back and forth in front of the thrones when the group entered.
"Princess Luna!" Twilight cried out. "You said this was an emergency! What is it? What happened? Is there another threat to Equestria?"
"Yeah, tell us what villian it is and we'll go buck them straight into Tartarus!" Dash supplied, punching at the air with such force she nearly fell over.
"Thank you for coming here with such haste." Luna said. "To answer your question, Twilight Sparkle, yes, there is another threat to Equestria. One that has sprung up right here in this castle. If it is not dealt with immediately, I am afraid of the outcome. Especially for my sister, as it has her locked in its vicious hold. It will take us all to vanquish it."
"Oh no!" Twilight gasped. "What is it?!"
"Follow me." Luna commanded.
They followed her determinedly as she led them to the dining room and flung open the door, leading them inside.
For a long moment everypony just stood there, staring at the sight in front of them.
"Where's the villian?" Dash finally asked.
"Ooh! Ooh! Is it in her mind??" Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing to Celestia and tapping lightly on her head. "Hellooooo! Mr. Villian?? You in there??"
Receiving nothing but a confused stare from Celestia, she shrugged and bounded back to her friends.
"Eh, the big mean meany pants villian must be out right now. There was no answer when I knocked!"
Dash facehoofed while the others rolled their eyes.
"Pinkie Pie has it about right." Luna said. "The villian is in her mind."
Pinkie gasped. "And he didn't answer my knock?? Well that mean meany pants doesn't have any manners at all! You should always answer a knock!"
Twikight, meantime, was observing her mentor. Celestia was busy shoveling in cupcakes while staring at a big chocolate cake that had yet to be touched.
"I may as well say it " luna stated. "Tia has an addiction."
"No I don't!" Celestia shouted around her cake. She grinned. "Yummy cake..."
"Ahem. Excuse me, Princess, but, ya brought us here to attack an addiction?" Applejack asked, somewhat incredulously.
"Yes, I did."
The others stared at Celestia. She was still eating cupcakes, and throwing wary glances at her sister.
"Who says she's addicted?" Dash asked. "Looks to me like she's just eating cake cause she likes it."
At that moment, Celestia gazed at the tall chocolate cake in front of her and smiled dreamily, stars momentarily replacing her normal pupils.
"Oh, my dear, dear chocolate cake. I love you so much!" She said. "I can't live without you!"
She placed her muzzle close to it, sniffing.
"Oh, chocolate cake. Will you marry me?!"
"Yeah, ok, she's addicted." Dash announced. "And also, she's as weird as Pinkie Pie."
"What do we do?" Twilight asked.
Luna rubbed her muzzle. "We talk to her."
***********************************
It had taken some doing, but Celestia had been separated from her cakes and was seated in the throne room. She had still not been convinced that she had a problem.
"I can stop eating cake anytime I want to!" She announced defiantly.
"No, you can't." Luna argued. "Which is why I have taken it upon myself to enlist these ponies to help me keep you away from it until such time as you learn to control yourself."
"How dare you!" Celestia cried.
Her gaze went to the six ponies...one in particular. She smiled.
"You will never succeed in turning my student against me, Luna! She will help me. Right, Twilight?"
"I'm sorry, Princess, but I agree with Princess Luna." Twilight replied. "You have a serious problem and we need to correct it before it causes massive harm."
Celestia's eyes narrowed. "And here I thought I could trust you to do the right thing."
"I am." Her student insisted. "This is a very dangerous addiction, Princess! It could lead to your ill health or worse! You could die!"
"I am immortal." Celestia said flatly. "I can't die. At least not permanently."
"Oh. Right." Twilight blushed in embarassment.
"Alright. So we will all work together on this and we will assist you in getting over this problem." Luna promised.
She rose and began to lead the others out.
"One of us will be keeping an eye out for you, sister, so do not try anything."
As the door closed, Celestia grinned wickedly.
'Oh, Lulu. You have forgotten who you are dealing with.'
**********************************
The first day was the easiest. Rarity kept Celestia occupied with fashion, then Dash took over and kept her busy watching her do tricks in her flying. Twilight asked incessant questions on various topics, Fluttershy personally introduced every single creature from the royal gardens to her, Applejack hauled in apples so they could give her applesauce rather than cake (which was not as successful as hoped). Pinkie Pie...well, Pinkie Pie was kept away from her as much as possible, due to her own love of cakes. And cupcakes. And pretty much anything sweet.
During the following day, though, Celestia made attempts to get cake...goid ones, too.
She tried bribing and threatening the castle chefs.
She tried sneaking out to get her own.
She tried making her own.
She tried creating one with magic.
Not a one of those things worked. After two days of trying, the cake depraved princess finally tried one last desperate plan.
She cornered Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, hey, Princess Celestia!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Or, at least, I would say that to you, if I was allowed to talk to you. But Twilight says I can't talk to you because you might convince me to help you, so here I am...not talking to you. Because Twilight told me not to. And I didn't say anything about anything."
"Pinkie," Celestia said, eyes wild, mane messy. "How would you like to play a game?"
"I can't!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "On account of how I'm not supposed to talk to you. Which I'm not doing right now."
Celestia blinked, and then an idea popped into her head.
"Would you like to not play a game?"
"Of course I would like to not play! Could we not play right now?! Ooh, what kind of game are we not playing?"
"Well, we're not playing How Many Cakes can You Smuggle into the Castle."
"Ooh!!! I can't wait to not play that! I'll just go and not start doing it!"
And Pinkie was gone. Celestia chuckled evilly.
'Keep me from cake? Hahaha!'
**********************************
"I am a little worried." Luna said. "I have heard nothing out of Tia all day."
The group was headed towards Celestia's room.
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Pinkie either." Dash stated.
Everpony froze and stared at each for a long moment. Then they proceeded to run the rest of the way to Celestia's chambers. Luna burst in ahead of the others, and they all pulled up short in astonishment.
Celestia and Pinkie were laughing and eating cakes and cupcakes and cookies. An abundance of those items were piled around the room, on the bed, on the tables, and on the desk.
"Celestia!" Luna burst out.
"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight shouted.
Both ponies froze and slowly looked their way, expressions resembling those of foals caught stealing cookies.
"Oh, hey, Twilight!" Pinkie finally spoke. "Cupcake?"
Luna rolled her eyes and lit her horn. In seconds not a trace of cake was to be seen anywhere.
"You return that cake immediately!" Celestia yelled.
"No! I will not!" Luna retorted. "This is for your own good, sister! And you should be ashamed of yourself for using Pinkie Pie to feed your addiction further!"
"Luna, you return my cake immediately or suffer the consequences!" Celestia shouted, horn lighting up.
"Uh oh." Twilight grabbed Pinkie and hurried her friends out before slamming the door and throwing up a protective shield around them. Behind the closed door came a roar like thunder and flashes of light. The door exploded from its hinges and slammed into Twilight's shield, bouncing harmlessly off. There was a final flash of light and smoke, and then Luna appeared, looking quite ruffled and ragged.
"Oh dear!" Rarity gasped out.
Luna shook herself and rubbed her head.
"Are you alright?" Twilight asked, dropping the shield.
"Oh, yes. Quite alright, I assure you." Luna replied. "My sister will sleep for a while now."
"Sleeping spell?" Twilight smirked.
"Indeed."
The group worked together to clean up the mess, then headed for the dining room for dinner.
*********************************
Celestia went crazy over the next few days, rampaging through the castle and turning it upside down in a fruitless quest to find cake.
When her frantic search yielded nothing, she began to hatch a daring plan. Late in the night on the fourth cakeless day, she snuch out of the castle and made her way swiftly and silently through the semi dark streets of Canterlot.
'Sister, you will never keep me from my cake!'
***********************************
"Princess Luna! Your Highness! Come quick!"
Luna and the Bearers all made appearances at the loud shouts of the guards assigned to Celestia.
"What is it?" Luna asked. "What has happened?"
"Princess." They bowed. "Your sister..."
"What happened?!" Twilight demanded.
"Princess Celestia...is...is in jail."
There was a long moment of stunned silence.
"Why in Equestria is she in jail?!" Luna finally questioned.
"Well, Your Highness...she robbed a bakery. Took every cake they had."
Dash burst into loud guffaws, Pinkie giggled, Rarity gasped in horror, Fluttershy eeped in shock, Twilight looked ready to faint, and Applejack shook her head. Luna groaned.
"Celestia." She growled.
She teleported out of the castle, leaving the others to wait.
***********************************
Upon her return, she had her sister with her. Celestia was grinning.
"I told you you can't separate me from cake!" She said triumphantly.
"You are lucky you did not eat all the cakes!" Luna growled. "And all you had to do was replace the ones you did eat. Honestly, Sister!"
"Let me have my cakes back, or I'll go rob another bakery." Celestia threatened.
"No, you will not!" Luna snapped. "You will march yourself to bed. Now! And your guards are going to be stationed directly by your bedside to make sure you stay there!"
"I'll stay in there too!" Dash said. "Nopony gets past me!"
"Very well!" Luna huffed. "Now excuse me while I return to my work!"
She disappeared while Dash and the two guards escorted Celestia to her room. Pinkie Pie started after them, but was stopped by Applejack.
"An' where do ya think you're goin'?"
"To ask her how she was so good at stealing cakes!" Pinkie said, giggling. "And see if she wants help on her next caper!"
"Yeah, Ah don't think so." Applejack said. "You're goin' to bed too. All of us are."
They all went their separate ways. Hopefully tomorrow would be better.
***********************************
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE IS GONE?!!!"
The guards and Dash cringed at the Canterlot Voice.
"THREE OF YOU! AND SHE ESCAPED THE ROOM?!"
"We don't know what happened!" Dash said nervously.
Luna rubbed her muzzle. It was at that moment that Applejack ran in.
"Pinkie is missin'!"
"Oh great!" Twilight growled. "First Princess Celestia, now Pinkie. Who's next, you?!"
Applejack blinked.
Another guard trotted in and whispered to Luna, who suddenly looked ready to murder somepony.
"They have both been found. In the castle basement."
They all wasted no time in going down to the basement, where they stopped short and stared.
Pinkie and Celestia were sound asleep amid a massive pile of baked goods...mainly cakes. Both had frosting on their muzzles and very plump bellies.
Luna stared at them for a long moment before turning and walking away.
"Princess?" Twilight questioned.
"I give up. Let her have her cake and eat it too. I am finished." Luna was gone.
Meantime, Celestia barely smirked. Once it was clear they were alone, the two ponies sat up.
"I think we did it." Celestia said, while Pinkie giggled. "I think we broke her."
"Yeah!" Pinkie said cheerily. "She thinks your hopelessly addicted to cake! Ha!"
"Why, whoever heard of too much cake!"
The two giggled as they dove into the cakes nearest to them and chowed down.
