Author's Note

This is one of Celestia’s journal entries we will return to these every other chapter

Journal Entry One

6/03/08

I don’t know how much I can take at this point, I’ve been like this for years and my therapist, well my new therapist told me to write my thoughts down to help me I hope it can. Let me start my boyfriend Arron is a kind man he’s never lifted a hand at me unlike my last boyfriend he’d raise his fist at me every time I wouldn’t do as he said. I haven’t told Arron what he’s done to me but I can’t call it rape if I agreed right? Haha, Arron rarely gets angry the last time I saw him get angry was when my ex got pissed at him it was an interesting sight to see. We’ve been together since April he seemed surprised when I kissed him and honestly I was surprised too, I don’t know what came over me I was surprised he didn’t push me away and. I don’t know what I’m talking about, I told him I loved him several times and He recently said I love you too it felt amazing it felt like someone truly loved me. He’s a bit of a gun nut at least to me the only gun I have as a small handgun I think it’s called a derringer it holds two bullets but only shoots one at a time you have to open the chamber and put the second bullet inside yourself. I’m honestly surprised they even let me get the gun with my medical history listing that I had been brought to the emergency room for several attempts at suicide but I’m glad I have some better form of protection rather than just a kitchen knife. I

I sometimes laugh at the fun times I had when I was younger before the depression, before the abuse, before I started to cut before I tried to hang myself from the balcony of our house sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better if the rope hadn’t snapped I’d at least be dead and I wouldn’t have broken my arm it would’ve saved me several weeks in a cast and probably would’ve made my mom happy. I always tried to make her happy or proud of me and she just never could I was her oldest and she treated me like

CRAP

Sorry about that to anyone who’s reading, who cares if I kill myself and someone finds this they’d just throw it in the trash without a second thought to them it’s as worthless as I am. I don’t feel comfortable in my own home anymore my neighbor says he saw someone trying to break into my house, he says he looked like my ex and I don’t feel comfortable here, it was the fifth time he was seen I tried to call the cops but they couldn’t do anything about it. I think I’ll ask Arron if I can stay with him, at least for a couple of days or maybe more I don’t know yet I haven’t even spoken to him yet I don’t think I can bring it up to him yet. God this isn’t very long and I have so much I wanna write down but I hear Arron’s truck outside so I’m gonna have to continue later.