A brown earth stallion trotted through the Ponyville market district with a wagon full of jewels, a confident smirk, and a hat that resembled the end of a green windsock over his blonde mane. He practically pranced down the road despite the weight pulling against his harness. The smirk grew to a genuine smile when he approached one of the market's store-homes, marked only by a wrapped sweet hanging over the door.
He unhitched himself in front of Bonbon's Bonbons, making no effort to conceal his load. He trusted the ponies of Ponyville, and trusted the anti-theft enchantments on the wagon even more. As he entered the empty shop, he waved and said, "Hey there!"
The proprietress turned around from the lollipop display she'd been adjusting and gasped with delight. "Brave Heart!" She raced out from behind the counter and hugged him. "I thought you were dead!"
Brave grinned. "Who, me?"
Sweetie Drops socked him in the jaw, then reached behind him to flip the open/closed sign in the front window.
"What was that for!?" Brave cried as he rubbed his jaw.
Sweetie scowled down at him. "Making me think you were dead!"
"It was a routine mission."
Sweetie raised her front leg again, then brought it back down with visible effort, settling for shouting "You went into an active volcano!"
Brave rolled his eyes. "I had my red hat."
"The heatproof one, yes. I thought it might fall off in an active volcano."
"That’s what bobby pins are for," said Brave, as though explaining a simple concept to a foal.
Sweetie's scowl didn't shift as she stomped back behind the counter. "And you were gone for months!"
"A lot of that was transportation time." Brave Heart chuckled. "Death Mountain isn’t exactly on any of the major rail lines, Sweetie."
"You went to Death Mountain, an active volcano, with zero agency support."
All the humor drained out of Brave's expression. "Yes. Yes I did. A Diamond Dog cult was trying to summon an avatar of Lavan the All-Smelter. What was I supposed to do, sit back and hope somepony else could take care of it?"
Sweetie's mouth worked silently for a moment before she cried, "Yes! Somepony else whose special forces unit hasn’t been shuttered!"
"Hey, what are we yelling about?" Lyra came downstairs, her face splitting into a delighted grin as she saw the stallion. "Brave Heart! I thought I heard you."
He smiled. "Hi, Lyra. Any new tunes?"
"Nothing compatible with that goofy potato flute of yours."
Brave pouted. "It’s an ocarina."
Lyra winked at him. "I know, but it’s a lot more fun to call it a goofy potato flute. Where’ve you been?"
"In an active volcano," Sweetie growled.
Brave's eyes widened. "Uh, Bonbon? Civilian."
Sweetie gave him a flat look. "We’re both civilians too, Brave. That’s what decommissioning means. Besides, Lyra found out a while ago." She sighed. "The bugbear found Ponyville."
"It..." Brave took a step back. "It did?"
"Yes. And you know who dealt with it? The Bearers of Harmony."
"Wait," said Lyra," you didn’t help at all?"
Sweetie shot her a sour look. "Okay, I may have distracted it by lurking in its peripheral vision a few times, but that was ninety-five percent Twilight Sparkle and company."
"With all due respect, Sweetie—"
"Stick with Bonbon, Brave. Unlike some of us, I've left the past behind me."
Brave nodded, though he noted the way Lyra raised an eyebrow at that. "My point is that these weren’t the sort of enemies you can beat with friendship."
"So? The Bearers could unleash the unbridled power of Harmony on the cultists. Problem solved! Or a Shadowbolt or three could’ve swooped in; I know Yearling’s always happy to get a plot that doesn’t involve Ahuizotl. For peat's sake, even the official Royal Guard might have been able to handle it!" Swee—Bonbon snorted. "It's been about a decade since their last moment of competence. They're due for another one soon." She took a deep breath. "The point is, you are not the only hero in Equestria. Stop acting like you are."
"It wasn’t even that bad! I got to them way before the avatar assumed its full mantle. Three bucks to the runestone holding it together and it collapsed into a puddle." Brave shifted his weight to his front legs and shadowbucked a little for emphasis. "The dodongos I fought along the way were more dangerous."
Brave had fought gorgons before. He knew some looks could kill, and Bonbon's was getting close. "More dangerous than a giant magma elemental."
Lyra cleared her throat. "Um, dodongos?"
"Volcanic quasidragons that dislike smoke," said Bonbon. "The alphas can grow to the size of a house."
"Should I be hearing any of this?"
"Technically speaking, you got Prince-level security clearance when you married me. As long as you keep it to yourself, you're fine." Bonbon turned her hardening gaze at Brave Heart. "Unlike some ponies."
"I was fine. I exercised the utmost caution."
"You went into an active volcano."
Brave rolled his eyes. "You’re going to run that into the ground, aren’t you?"
Bonbon gave a dismissive whicker. "I’m sure it’s not half as bad as what Gen said."
"Uh…" Brave paled and gulped.
Lyra and Bonbon both glared at him. "You did see your wife before coming here, didn’t you?" said Lyra.
"Well, I passed by the shop first, and—"
"Go," both mares said at once.
Brave started backing away towards the door. "Going."
Brave Heart had faced a lot of horrible things in his life: dragons, giant spiders, an immortal camel warlock with a habit of turning into a giant pig. But none made his heart quail quite like standing before the front door of his own house.
He swallowed and knocked.
A voice from within half-sang, "Just a minute!" The door opened, revealing a pale yellow mare with an auburn mane. "How can I—" She fell silent, her eyes widening as she beheld Brave.
He gave a desperate grin. "Hi, Princess. I’m home."
He didn’t see Next Generation’s punch, but it still came as no surprise.
The yelling began before he could even pick himself up off the ground. "How dare you! Do you know how worried I was? Do you even think about what you do to us every time you leave on one of these little adrenaline rushes of yours!?"
"Can I at least come inside?" Brave said as he pulled himself to his hooves.
Gen snorted angrily. "Not like the neighbors can think any less of us. This will be the third funeral I'll have to cancel. Mr. Waddle's coming by later to see if there's anything he'd need to change in the eulogy he prepared last time."
"Please, Princess."
"Don't call me that." Gen bit her lip, her eyes starting to water. "Not now."
"Please." Brave hugged her, feeling the tears run down his own cheeks.
They held each other for a time, neither caring how long. Finally, Gen said, "I'm still mad at you."
"I know."
"Come in."
"Thank you."
They were silent until they made it into the living room, each resting on a couch. "You missed Button's birthday again," said Gen.
"I know. Did you get the card in time?"
She nodded. "I saw the postmark on the envelope. You sent it a month ahead of time."
He offered a humorless smile. "Didn't want to make him think I forgot again."
"I guess you can learn." Gen gave one sad laugh, then shook her head. "You can't keep doing this, Brave. I can't stand not knowing whether or not I'm a widow for months on end."
"We've talked about this." Brave nodded towards the partially filled heart on his flank. "I'm no good at anything if I'm not on the edge of death."
Gen smiled. "Actually, that's something else you've missed." She sat up and cried "Button! Come and see who came home!"
"But Mom, I'm just about to—"
"Button." Brave's ears flattened at Gen's tone. That explained who she'd been practicing on.
Little hoofsteps approached. "Okay, who is—" Button stopped in his tracks. His jaw dropped. He rushed to Brave. "DAD!"
Brave opened his forelegs. Button plowed into him hard enough to shift the couch back a few inches. "Oof! I guess I don't have to ask if you missed me." Brave ruffled his son's mane.
"This is so awesome! How long are you staying?"
"Yes, Brave. How long are you staying?"
He opened his mouth to answer, then looked back at Button. His little guy wasn't that little anymore. The new scratch marks in the floor attested to that. But Button was still young enough to give puppy-dog eyes with the best of them.
Finally, Brave said, "I... think I'll be looking for work in town."
Button beamed. "You are!?"
"You think?" said Gen.
"I am. Definitely." Brave felt a pit form in his stomach. "Somehow."
"Button, why don't you tell your father your idea?"
Button nodded. "You know Sweetie Belle, right?"
After a moment, Brave nodded. "Unicorn filly, Miss Rarity's little sister. Are she and her friends still getting into as much trouble as I did at that age?"
As Button regaled Brave with the story of the Crusaders finding their marks, Gen said nothing. Her smile didn't shift, even as her eyes narrowed.
"Don't you worry, Mrs. Button's Mom!" said Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle nudged her. "Mrs. Generation."
"Right, that. The point is, we'll be happy to help your husband."
Gen beamed and nodded. "I'm sure you will, girls."
As she left, Brave Heart looked up at the clubhouse and smiled. "Heh. This is nostalgic. Had a place a lot like this back home."
"Ya did?" said Apple Bloom.
"Oh yeah. Kokirin was a logging town. Felt like every kid there had his own treehouse." Brave shook off the nostalgia. "Alright girls, let’s get started."
All three were examining his flanks. "Yer sure yer talent’s adventurin’?" said Apple Bloom. "We’ve seen plenty o’ ponies misread their marks."
"Very sure. I’ve been adventuring for more than ten years and I’m still here." Technically true, and that was as true as Brave could get. Last he had checked, none of the Crusaders had married former S.M.I.L.E. operatives.
Sweetie hummed to herself. "Well, what else can you do?"
Brave mentally ran through his skill set for something safe to share with fillies. Then he realized that he barely knew how to work with Button, much less these three. "I am trained in demolitions."
"You are?" said Scootaloo, her eyes wide with glee.
Sweetie nudged her. "We’ll, um, put that on the list."
Apple Bloom nodded. "We ain’t allowed near construction or demolition areas fer another four years or so. Let’s try somethin’ else in th’ meantime."
"And that’s training, not talent," added Sweetie. "What I meant was, what besides adventuring do you love doing?"
Brave sat and thought for a good minute. What did he like doing? "Well…"
"Hmm. Even glaze, fine grain, expertly baked... " Brave nodded. "I have to say, Mr. Amphora, this is an exquisite piece of earthenware."
The other earth stallion puffed out his chest. "Why, thank you."
With a wordless cry and a devastating blow, Brave reduced the pot to shards. He sifted through the fragments with a hoof, giving a disappointed grunt. "Darn. Well, plenty more where that came from." He shifted his focus to the next pot in line.
"Out, out, out!" cried Mr. Amphora, his whole head cherry red as he shoved Brave out of his shop.
"Breezies hide gems in pots!" Brave shouted back. "I’ve seen them do it! This is scientific fact!"
The Crusaders stared at him, dumbfounded. "So this is what it’s like from the outside," said Sweetie Belle.
Mr. Amphora glared at them. "You three just got your ban extended for another year." He went back inside, grumbling to himself.
"Maybe we should focus on trained skills fer a bit." Apple Bloom turned to Brave, who was still glaring at the potter's shop. "Any ideas?"
He took a deep breath and said, "Well, I’m certainly good at bucking."
Bloom grinned. "AJ may say otherwise, but we could always use a helpin’ hoof at Sweet Apple Acres."
Brave’s screams resounded across the Acres, barely louder than the pursuing swarm’s enraged clucking.
"He ain’t even supposed t’ be feedin’ the chickens," Apple Bloom said distantly.
"Eeyup," said Big Macintosh.
"We ain't even got that many chickens."
"Eeyup."
"Was I ever that bad?"
He smirked. "Worse."
Applejack shook her head. "Well, at least he’s got a good turn o’ speed. Next time there’s a rodeo, he may gimme a run fer mah money, but I don’t think he’s a good fit fer the farm."
Apple Bloom sighed. "Yeah. Shouldn't be more'n a few minutes 'til Sweetie an' Scootaloo get back with Fluttershy, right?"
"Eeyup," chorused both older siblings.
"Guess we'll try somethin' he likes doin' again."
Strains of beautiful music wafted about the square, ponies gathering from all across the town to listen. A phantom orchestra seemed to accompany the two performers as the song swelled to its climax. The audience stomped their applause as the last echoes faded into memory. The duet bowed and the crowd dispersed, each of them stepping a little higher, their eyes a little brighter.
Brave Heart’s smile lasted until he looked in the lyre case.
Lyra beamed at it. "Wow! Twelve bits and a Quills and Sofas coupon! Nice haul."
"Seriously? Don’t these ponies know how hard it is to play an ocarina with hooves?"
Lyra scoffed, her accent working its way back to Canterlot. "You don’t do this for the money, Brave. You do it for the music."
He just groaned. So did the fillies sitting on the other side of the fountain.
The Crusaders beamed at their teacher. "Thanks again, Ms. Cheerilee," said Sweetie Belle.
"No problem at all girls. You know I'm happy to help my students in any way I can." After a moment, Cheerilee added, "Within reason. Now take your seats; class is about to begin."
Once the foals settled in, Cheerilee gave her customary wide smile and said, "I'm pleased to announce that we have a special guest teacher today. Everypony, please give a big round of applause for Mr. Brave Heart."
Brave entered the schoolhouse to middling applause, the loudest coming from the Crusaders and Button Mash. "Hello, colts and fillies! Some of your classmates told me you're learning about biology, and I thought I'd offer my own experiences on the subject." He moved to the chalkboard. Talking while holding a piece of chalk in his teeth was simple compared to some of the things he'd held in his jaws over the years. "Now, first we have the like-like," he said, drawing a pile of... something. The sketch almost seemed to quiver on the blackboard. "Don't panic when they swallow you whole; they feed on metal, not flesh, and they don't do it quickly. Climbing out of their gullet is easy enough, though you may end up a little bruised from the muscle contractions. Act quickly and you'll be able to pull your valuables out of their corpses with only a little discoloration for your troubles."
"Uh, Mr. Heart..." said Cheerilee.
"Oh, right, most of you probably won't be going anywhere near like-like habitats any time soon. Let's move on to something more relevant." He began drawing something out of an arachnophobe's worst nightmares. "Gohmas come in a variety of shapes and sizes; the Everfree Forest has five different recorded species and who knows how many we haven't heard about yet. All have extremely thick exoskeletons, but their eyes are critical weak spots. They're going to have to look at you eventually. When they do, use whatever projectile weapon you found on your way to their lair. Even a slingshot can be deadly when aimed correctly."
"Mr. Heart, this isn't exactly age-appropriate."
"Oh!" Brave nodded. "Right, right, very true, Ms. Cheerilee."
Cheerilee breathed a sigh of relief.
"At their age, it's much more important that your students know how to ward off Skull Foals."
"It’s okay, dear. Really."
Brave Heart just grunted, slumped as he was on the new sofa.
"The hospital did say I was always welcome back at the maternity ward, and you still have a pension coming in."
"I get to sit around. Yay."
"Besides, now you can spend more time with Button."
He sighed and nodded. "There is that."
A knock made both look at the front door. "I'll get it," said Gen.
"Fine." Brave let his head plop back down and shut his eyes. He had to admit, it was a nice sofa.
"Mr. Heart?"
He cracked an eye open and saw the Crusaders, along with Button. "Oh. Hello, Button, girls."
Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves. "We came to apologize."
"We may have exaggerated our experience," said Sweetie Belle.
"We’ve helped ponies with cutie mark problems, just…" Scootaloo bit her lip. "Well, not all that many of them. Not yet, anyway."
"An’ at recess, after Ms. Cheerilee chased ya outta th' schoolhouse, Button helped us see that this time around, we were askin’ th’ wrong questions."
Button nodded. "You're a hero, Dad. It doesn't matter what a hero does. What matters is why he does it."
Brave quirked an eyebrow. "How much did your mother tell you about what I used to do?"
"You saved the world. But now Princess Twilight is hogging all the world-saving, so you have to find something else."
"Not quite all of it, but..." Brave thought for a fair stretch of time, enough to make the Crusaders start to squirm. Finally, he brought himself up to a sitting position and said, "I did what I did to keep ponies safe without them ever knowing they were in danger. I did it because somepony has to, and few can. And…" He took a deep breath. "Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, a little bit because of the thrill."
Button and the Crusaders huddled up for a few moments. Sweetie Belle looked up from it and said, "This time, we have the perfect job for you."
Twilight Sparkle fluffed her wings a bit before saying, "I appreciate the thought, everypony, but I don’t think this is strictly necessary."
"Come on, Twilight, the other princesses have all been on your case to have some kind of guard. Especially Luna." Spike shuddered. "I really don’t want to burp out another epic poem on the subject."
"But I want to be approachable. Just because I have wings and a crystal castle doesn’t make me special."
Spike, the Crusaders, Button, and Brave Heart gave her a flat look. Every eye looked around the room, lingered on the magical map that dispatched the Bearers wherever they were most needed, and settled on the crystal throne emblazoned with Twilight's cutie mark.
Twilight blushed. "That sounded a lot better in my head."
"For what it’s worth, Twilight," said Brave, "just think of me as a helping hoof. Shooing away solicitors, keeping ponies out when you’re busy, fighting off any experiments gone awry, that kind of thing."
"I barely have time for experiments the way my schedule is."
"Do you have to do everything on it?" said Sweetie Belle.
"No, she doesn’t." Spike gave Twilight a knowing look. "I should know, I write the thing."
"All right, I suppose you have a point." Twilight nodded at Brave. "You’re hired, Brave Heart. Welcome to the... well, we'll figure out a name for my branch of the guard soon. Technically, you’re a captain by default, but I don’t plan on expanding it any time soon."
He nodded back. "I’m fine with that." He turned to the foals and smiled. "Thank you. All of you."
"Does this feel right?" said Button.
Brave thought about it. "Serving Princess Twilight? Yeah, I’d say it does."
Author's Note
For those wondering about the story title:
Yes, Link pony showed up in the background in "Flutter Brutter," but it's one of those Season 6 episodes where Starlight is conspicuously absent. Thus, it could easily fit in before her revenge scheme.
Since writing this story, I've learned that Jan did in fact have a name in mind for Button Mash's mother—namely, Cream Heart—but I still like mine.
And I'd apologize for that last line, but that would imply that I regretted it. 
