A Hyu-miliating Heist

by Cobra Commander

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4533

Meet Heart Break and Beaty Brass: Equestria's most incompetent criminals.

Equestria is a place where crime is virtually unknown, and professional criminals even more so. Ponies can sleep at night knowing their homes and possessions are safe from unwanted intruders or covetous eyes.

Two ponies, however, didn't get the memo.

Meet Heart Break and Beaty Brass, Equestria's most incompetent criminals, in their debut adventure. Will they successfully pull off their latest heist? Will the identity of their mysterious Boss be revealed? Will Lyra finally prove the existence of the mythical Hyu-min race?!

...Probably not!

NOTE: This story was written very early on in Season 2 (just after Luna Eclipsed, if I recall), so some of the claims about Equestria's crime rate no longer hold up to scrutiny. Oh well!

(Inspired by this comic by NaterRang on Deviant Art, who also gets credit for the cover art. A shout out goes to saintbomber on DA as well, for additional ideas and suggestions for the story.)
(This story was originally posted on my DA page.)

Published 2012-08-03 23:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-03 23:14:03 UTC

A Hyu-miliating Heist

The Principality of Equestria boasted the second lowest crime rate of any civilized nation in the world, surpassed only by the Grand Duchy of Seatopia, the ancestral home of the Sea Ponies. Of course, since the majority of sentient beings thought Seatopia and its inhabitants were a myth, this led most criminologists to incorrectly claim that Equestria held the honor of the world's lowest crime rate.

Regardless, crime simply wasn't something most ponies were concerned about when they went to sleep at night. In fact, statistically speaking, most of them were far more likely to be digested by a dragon, mauled by a manticore, or clocked by a cockatrice than to ever be the victim of unlawful activity.

Given that crime was so rare in Equestria as a whole, it came as no surprise that it was entirely unheard of in the little town of Ponyville, the Equestrian settlement that boasted the lowest crime rate in the Principality. Specifically, a crime rate of absolute zero.

In all the centuries since its founding, Ponyville had not experienced a single recorded instance of unlawful activity within its borders. No vandalism, no robberies, and certainly no cannibalistic killing sprees perpetrated by a deranged confectioner. Given that simple fact, it wasn't particularly shocking that Ponyville didn't even have a standing police force.

All of these factors combined to ensure that on one particular evening, one particular door to one particular house was completely unlocked, untrapped, and unwarded against entry. On any other night, this would have been completely fine, as locks, traps, and magical wards were generally unnecessary for residents of Ponyville.

Unfortunately, as a certain mint green homeowner was about to discover, "generally unnecessary" was not the same thing as "completely unnecessary". The reason, as some have perhaps deduced, was that on that fateful evening, a pair of ponies were attempting the nigh-mythical activity of "burglary".

Fortunately for our aforementioned homeowner, these would-be robbers were really, really, really bad at their chosen profession.

***

"Did you feel something, Brass?"

Hearing his accomplice hiss out the question, Beaty Brass stopped fumbling with his lock-pick and turned around. Behind him stood a pale pink unicorn with green eyes, a dark magenta mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a black heart, torn in half across the middle. She was currently looking around with a nervous expression, seemingly searching for some unseen interloper.

"Hat are eu alkin ahou?"

Shifting her attention back to Beaty, Heart Break gave him an irritated look. The dark grey Earth Pony had a brown mane and tail, olive colored eyes, was wearing a black wool cap, and had a brass knuckle as his cutie mark. His mouth was currently clenched around a set of lock-picks, which was the reason for his muffled response.

"I said, did you just feel something? I got a feeling like we were being watched all of a sudden. Maybe...maybe we should split and come back tomorrow night?"

Beaty Brass frowned and spat out the lock-pick, taking a moment to examine their surroundings. He didn't see anypony out there, and unlike Heart, he didn't feel like they were being watched. Satisfied that they were, in fact, alone, he turned his attention back to Heart Break.

"Look, I don't see or feel anything. We trekked all the way out to this hick town 'cause the Boss wants this unicorn's artifact. You wanna be the one to tell the Boss we chickened out at the front door when we return to Canterlot empty-hoofed?"

Thinking about the Boss' reaction if they didn't get the goods sent a chill down Heart Break's spine. Of the many, many things in the world that qualified as a "bad idea", displeasing the top crime lord in Equestria sat uncomfortably high on the list. Granted, he was also the only crime lord in Equestria, so he pretty much had the top spot by default, but mentioning that fact to him was yet another high-ranking bad idea.

Gulping, and now visibly shaken, Heart Break focused her attention back to Brass and noticed he was looking equally nervous. Apparently, she hadn't been the only one thinking about what their employer would do if they screwed up.

"O-okay, you have a point. Let's just get this over with. The sooner we get the Boss the ring he wanted, the better."

Nodding in agreement, Beaty Brass retrieved his lock-pick from the ground and once again began working at the keyhole, listening in vain for the tell-tale clicking sound of a lock disengaging. Watching her partner work, a nagging question suddenly popped back into Heart Break's mind.

"Hey, Brass. What the hay is a 'ring', anyway?"

Once again halting his clumsy attempts at lock-picking, Beaty Brass set down his tools and turned back to Heart Break, tilting his head pensively. Scrunching up his face, the stallion began sifting through his (exceedingly short) catalogue of knowledge. Surprisingly, this particular search actually netted a result: a passing mention in an old book Beaty had read not so long ago.

"Now that I think about it, I remember reading about 'em in that book I used to research my cutie mark, back when it first appeared. It's basically a brass knuckle that only covers one finger."

Heart Break pondered Beaty's response for a moment, surprised that he actually had an answer for once. However, when it became obvious that the variables of the situation just didn't add up, she followed-up with another question.

"But...if it goes on fingers...what does the Boss want it for? He doesn't have any fingers, and I don't think anypony in Canterlot does either."

"Heart, isn't it obvious? He's gonna pass it off as a horn hoop to one of them Canterlot nobles. Those rubes will buy anything if they think it'll help 'em flaunt their horns! You remember that crate of hoof wax we boosted? That Prince Blueberry guy bought it for ten times market price when the Boss told 'em it was imported Neighponese Horn Polish!"

Her eyes widening in realization, Heart Break couldn't help but be impressed at both the business acumen of their Boss and the profound gullibility of the Canterlot elite. Thinking about some numbskull noble paying top dollar for a "horn hoop" that was actually some bizarre finger-tool sent Heart into a fit of giggling.

"Oh man, you're right, Brass! Those hay-brained nobles gotta be the easiest marks this side of Stalliongrad!"

As Heart Break tried to suppress her giggling (to prevent rousing the target of their larceny), Beaty Brass couldn't help but join in the mirth, quite pleased with how quickly he had figured out the motivations behind their heist.

"I know, right? Unicorns may think they're Celestia's gift to Equestria, but really, they're all just a buncha gullible morooooohsweetLunapleasedon'tkillme."

Unfortunately for Brass, his plea went unheeded, as a spike of telekinetic force from the now livid Heart Break send him careening into the door of their mark's house. Said door offered little resistance, however, due to being both unlocked and slightly ajar (a fact that Brass, in his eagerness to try out his new set of lock-picks, had neglected to notice earlier).

Without the door to dampen his momentum, Beaty found himself flying clear through the foyer, hallway, kitchen, and finally through the open basement door. This was soon followed by gravity regaining its iron grip on the hapless Earth Pony, wasting no time teaching Beaty Brass that if he had been meant to fly, he would have been born a pegasus. The basement stairs and a conveniently placed suit of armor at their bottom served as spectacular learning aids.

***

Lyra Heartstrings had not been a resident of Ponyville for a terribly long time, but in that brief period she had felt happier than she had been in a very long time. In Ponyville, she could sit however she pleased and no-one would bat an eye. In Ponyville, she could practice balancing on two legs in broad daylight without eliciting gasps, screams, and a storm of popping monocles and fainting noblemares.

Simply put, in Ponyville, Lyra could be herself, and nopony would judge her for it. Given that the town was situated within walking distance of the Everfree forest, and was home to one Pinkamena "Pinkie" Diane Pie, this wasn't really a surprise. Her quirks, viewed as examples of staggering impropriety in Canterlot, flew completely under the radar in Ponyville. Nopony was going to notice a unicorn sitting strangely while Pinkie was busy defying reality and Ursa Minors strolled into town on a bi-monthly basis.

But probably the single biggest reason Lyra preferred Ponyville to Canterlot was the lack of a criminal element. Lyra had checked before she moved, and as far as official records went, there wasn't a safer town in all of Equestria. Granted, Lyra suspected that making such a claim based solely on a low crime rate may have been oversimplifying things a bit. Trottingham may have had a few petty larcenies over the centuries, but she was fairly certain it had never been attacked by an Ursa Minor. Or parasprites. Or stampeding rabbits. Or a hateful, demon-possessed goddess that had escaped a millennium long imprisonment and was hell-bent on plunging the world into eternal darkness.

Such petty details mattered little to Lyra, however, because the one thing Ursas, manticores, hydras, dragons, cockatrices, Nightmare Moons, and rabbits all had in common was that they didn't want to steal her precious artifacts. Canterlot, with a staggering three misdemeanors a year, had clearly been a hive of scum and villainy. As the owner of the world's foremost collection of Hyu-min artifacts, Lyra had a responsibility to move the priceless collection to a safer city.

Sure, everypony had made fun of her collection when she started it. The bipedal armor, the bizarre, non-equine clothes, the jewelry that looked fine at first glance but somehow exuded a sense of physiological wrongness; other ponies may have called it junk, leftover theatre props, or "clever forgeries to entrap not-so-clever ponies", but Lyra knew the truth. All of her beloved artifacts were proof that somewhere out there, the mythical Hyu-mins roamed free, hiding from pony-kind.

Given how much she prized her precious collection, it came as little surprise that when she was rudely jolted awake by a series of screams and crashes from her basement, her first reaction was to leap out of bed, horn lowered, and charge blindly at the evil intruder in her bedroom. Actually, that probably had nothing to do with how much she prized her collection and everything to do with the fact that she had just been jolted awake in the middle of the night by an ungodly racket coming from her basement.

Whatever the cause of her rapid retaliation, once she was satisfied that the intruder (which had cleverly disguised itself as a coat rack) had been thoroughly impaled, trampled, and telekinetically slapped around a few times for good measure, Lyra was able to regain her composure and think through the situation rationally.

"Hm...that wasn't a pony; that was a coat rack. Logically, that can only mean one thing: coat racks are secretly Nightmare Moon sleeper agents that have infiltrated every aspect of pony society under the guise of harmless furniture. Tonight is the night they abandon their ruse and destroy us all!"

Quite proud that she had singlehandedly unraveled the greatest conspiracy to threaten Equestria since the Age of Discord, Lyra turned her attention to more pressing matters. Such as the continued ruckus coming from her basement (which mysteriously continued despite the vanquishing of Nightmare Coat Rack). Her basement. Where her collection was stored.
Someone was after the artifacts! The time for rational thought had ended and the time for irrational action had begun. Her collection was in danger and she had to protect it at all costs! Galloping down the stairs, her horn aglow in the darkness, Lyra was prepared to fight horn and hoof to defend her treasures from the nefarious intruders.

As she approached the stairs down to the basement at top speed, she was forced to skid to a halt to avoid bowling over a pink unicorn that had somehow beaten her there. Said pink pony had been looking down the basement stairs with trepidation, when Lyra's sudden arrival on the scene and subsequent demands for information redirected the interloper's attention.

"You! The intruders! Where are they!? Is it the coat racks again? Are there more in the basement? Is it Nightmare Moon? Discord? More parasprites!? Oh dear sweet Celestia, it's the parasprites again, isn't it? HURRY! We can't let them eat everything!"

With that, Lyra's horn lit up as she grabbed her new (very flabbergasted) acquaintance in a telekinetic aura and ran down the basement stairs, conscript in tow. Reaching the bottom, Lyra was expecting a swarm of parasprites, an insane moon goddess, or maybe a deranged spirit of chaos. All of those were contingencies she had anticipated and planned for. What Lyra saw instead, however, caused her to let out a gasp that would make Pinkie Pie proud, punctuated by a thud and a yelp as her unwitting tag-along was dropped unceremoniously to the ground.

There, standing before her (albeit in a very wobbly manner), clad in bipedal armor just like the kind in her collection (in fact, exactly like the kind in her collection), was a creature Lyra had hoped, dreamed, and prayed to one day encounter. However, she had long since come to terms with the fact that such an encounter would almost certainly never take place.
Yet, defying all expectation, against all odds, flying in the face of every scrap of common sense, logic, and scientific convention...standing before Lyra Heartstrings was a Hyu-min. A genuine, living, breathing, wobbling, groaning, staggering Hyu-min! As her brain struggled to regain traction, all Lyra could do was stare at her dream-come-true, drinking in every detail of the mythical biped.

The armor it wore fit quite awkwardly, despite clearly being designed with a biped in mind. Here and there, she could see large tufts of brown hair sticking out, far more hair than she thought Hyu-mins were supposed to have. However, Lyra remembered that Hyu-mins were able to grow beards far more easily than ponies, so she assumed that was the cause of this one's uncharacteristic hairiness.

Here and there, she could see patches of grey through the various gaps in the poorly donned armor. Lyra had read that Hyu-mins were usually a pale pinkish hue, but they also came in a wide range of colors, from almost pure white to nearly pitch black. Since grey was certainly in the range between white and black, she assumed this Hyu-min simply had an unusual skin color.

Finally, Lyra focused on the hands: those glorious, infamous, finger-having hands! This Hyu-min's hands hung limply from the ends of its arms, totally encased in the metal gauntlets of the armor. Lyra nodded sagely to herself; she knew that compared to hooves, hands were quite delicate. This Hyu-min clearly knew the value of its opposable extremities, and was going to extreme lengths to protect them. Lyra knew that if she had a pair of hands, she would probably do the same.

As the mint green unicorn slowly processed all of this, her attention was suddenly diverted by another series of moans from her guest. The revelation struck Lyra like a lightning bolt: the Hyu-min was trying to communicate with her! Wracking her brain, she tried to remember the samples of the Hyu-min language she had read about in her books.

"Um...oh, now I remember! *ahem* Suhp dood? El-oh-el, roh-fohl-mah-oh. Eye-em yuur bee-eff-eff. Oh-em-gee! Yuu ahr ma-ee wah-eye-fuu. El-em-ay-oh."

Beaming with pride over her fluency in the Hyu-min tongue, Lyra was suddenly startled by an unfamiliar voice.

"Um...what the hay did you just say?"

Turning to the question's source, Lyra noticed her assistant had apparently regained her composure, and was now giving her a look that clearly demonstrated her ignorance of Hyu-min communication. Grinning at the pink unicorn, Lyra happily elaborated.

"I was greeting the Hyu-min in his native language. Roughly translated, I told him that I was deeply honored to make his acquaintance, and wanted to extend my hoof in friendship on behalf of my people."

Blinking several times, Lyra's new friend looked from her to the Hyu-min several times, her brain clearly working hard to process the situation. Lyra couldn't blame her; meeting a Hyu-min was a once in a lifetime event that both of them would remember for the rest of their days. Lyra didn't recall ever having met this mare before, but the fact that they were here together, both experiencing what would doubtlessly be the greatest moment of their lives, meant that they now had a deep, unbreakable kinship. Overcome with emotion, Lyra felt obligated to try and express her feelings to the pink unicorn.

"I just wanted to say how happy I am to be able to share this moment with somepony. Meeting a Hyu-min, a real live Hyu-min, is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life, but I never thought it would come...but here it is!"

Lyra beamed at her new friend, her eyes watering as she gushed. Struggling to maintain her composure in the face of the sheer joy of seeing her heart's desire come true, Lyra continued.

"I'm sorry, it's just...everypony always laughed. They all said Hyu-mins weren't real, were just a myth. Even though I don't get made fun of here in Ponyville like I was in Canterlot, that doesn't change the fact that nopony believes me. Even my best friend, Bon Bon, didn't think Hyu-mins existed. Recently, I had started to think...to think that maybe everypony was right...that I was just being foalish for thinking they were real..."

Oblivious to the mounting discomfort of her companion, Lyra continued to lay bare her soul, years of emotional turmoil finally vindicated.

"But now, right here in front of us...is proof. Absolute, undeniable proof that I was right. I was right all along...and because you're here with me, I know that it's real! We're both here, so it must be real, it must be! I just want to let you know how much that means to me."

Smiling warmly at the unicorn mare, Lyra waited for her to respond. After several long moments spent looking back and forth between Lyra and the Hyu-min, the pink pony finally spoke.

"So...this...um, creature. It being a...Hyu-min, was it? That's really important to you, yeah?"

"I can't even express how much it means to me to meet one face-to-face like this."

"I see. Well, I'm...very happy for you. But, what if, hypothetically...and this is entirely hypothetical, mind you...what if it turned out this creature wasn't a Hyu-min? What if it was...I dunno, say an Earth Pony. With an apparently severe concussion. Who was, hypothetically, flung down the stairs and into a suit of armor?"

"Oh, if that were the case, it would probably destroy my self-esteem, shatter the last vestiges of my precarious sanity, and drive me into a self-destructive downward spiral that would end with me as a broken, pathetic shell of a mare, lying forgotten in a gutter. Why do you ask?"

"Ah...just curious. Good thing this critter is a bona fide, real deal Hyu-min then, isn't it? My name's Heart Break by the way."

"Yes, that's certainly a good thing! Oh, and I'm Lyra Heartstrings, but you can just call me Lyra."

Smiling at each other, Lyra and Heart Break both felt the warm glow of a budding friendship in their hearts...only to have the moment rather rudely interrupted by the sound of an armor clad Hyu-min (that was definitely not a concussed pony) crumpling to the ground. The two mares looked over at the now motionless figure for a few moments, when Lyra flew into a panic.

"Oh no! Oh no, oh no, no, no, no! He must have gotten hurt when he fell down the stairs! We need to get that armor off of him and treat his injuries!"

As Lyra's horn lit up, and a matching glow began to envelop the armor clad figure, Heart Break felt the icy grip of pure terror grip her very soul. Leaping into action, her own horn blazed to life, countering Lyra's telekinesis as she cried out.

"NO!!! Don't take off the armor!"

Startled and confused, Lyra simply gaped back at Heart Break, her mind reeling from her friend's reaction. For her own part, Heart Break quickly regained her composure, and started to shakily elaborate.

"What I mean is...um...Hyu-mins are very, very shy creatures. They hide themselves in their armor because...uh...they're terrified of ponies! Yes, that's right, scared to death of us. I'm sure he isn't hurt, nope, not at all. He just...fainted from fright! Yeah! If he wakes up while his armor's off, it would traumatize him for life. Um, yup, he would never recover, the poor little guy. The risk of permanent psychological damage is just too great, we can't risk removing even a single piece of it. You understand...right?"

Lyra stared at Heart Break with awe. She had always thought that she was the only pony that bothered to learn about Hyu-mins, but her new friend seemed to know even more about them than she did! A realization dawned on Lyra that brought an enormous smile to her face.

"Of course, it all makes sense now. You're just like me, aren't you? You're a fellow Hyu-min Hunter! That's why you were in my house in the first place, you must have been tracking this guy through Ponyville. You saw him go into my house and followed him in to try and keep him from hurting himself or scaring whoever lived here. It must have been destiny that led you to me!"

Heart Break stared blankly at Lyra for a few seconds, then gave her a huge, relieved smile.

"You...you totally figured it out! I'm glad you didn't think I was a thief or something. Heh...heh...aha. That would have been awkward. Anyway! I need to get this guy back to the, um...Everfree Forest, yeah! Need to get him back there before his family starts to worry. I would invite you to come along but...uh...the poor guy is already so stressed out already, the fewer ponies around when he wakes up, the better. You understand, right?"

Lyra considered pleading with Heart Break to let her come along, but deep down, she knew that was just her being selfish. The needs of the poor, frightened Hyu-man came first, after all. Lyra simply nodded and smiled, not trusting herself to speak. As she watched her new friend levitate the wonderful, mythical creature up the stairs and out of the basement, Lyra felt tears falling down her cheeks.

Turning away from the sounds of retreating hoofsteps, Lyra looked over at the disheveled condition of her collection. Ordinarily, she would have been in a frenzy over seeing her precious relics in such a state, but considering the creature responsible for it, she found it hard to mind. As her eyes drifted over the toppled display cases and pedestals, a golden glint caught her eye. When she walked over and saw the object that had caused it, she was suddenly filled with
determination. There was one more thing she had to do that night.

***

As she struggled with the extra weight of the armor that her incompetent accomplice had somehow entangled himself in, Heart Break couldn't quite believe how poorly the night had gone. Not only had she and Beaty Brass failed to get their hooves on the artifact the Boss had wanted, now Heart Break had to lug her unconscious partner to the edge of Ponyville with fifty pounds of metal plates hanging off of him. The probable brain damage was also a concern, but she figured that Beaty would be hard pressed to get any dumber than he already was.

As her horn strained with the weight of her unconscious partner in crime, Heart Break's mind strained at the thoughts of the Boss' reaction when he learned they had blown what should have been an easy job. Ponyville didn't even have any cops, for Luna's sake, but here she was, walking away from an entire village of Equestria's easiest marks, empty hoofed. Thinking back to her meeting with Lyra, though, Heart Break couldn't help but smile.

"Well...maybe not completely empty hoofed."

As if on cue, just as her thoughts had turned to her new friend, Heart Break heard Lyra's voice calling out from behind her. Turning around, she was surprised to see the mint green unicorn galloping after her, shouting for her to wait. As nice as it was to see Lyra again, Heart Break hoped she hadn't changed her mind about going with her to release the "Hyu-min" back into the Everfree. Knowing that her odds of outrunning the eager green unicorn were essentially zero given the deadweight she was burdened with, Heart Break decided to wait and allow her to catch up. Before long, Lyra was at her side, panting for breath as she spoke.

"Hah...hah...I'm glad...I'm glad I caught you, Heart Break. Phew. Sorry, gimme a sec...ok, anyway! Before you left, I wanted you to have this. I was going to give it to my friend Bon Bon for her birthday next week, but since you're a fellow Hyu-min Hunter...well, I figured you would appreciate it more."

Lyra's horn glowed as she levitated a small, circular, golden band from its tip. Smiling at her new friend, she used her telekinesis to settle the band down over Heart Break's own horn. Staring cross-eyed up at the ornament now perched on her foreheard, Heart Break couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Is...is that a ring? Like...the goes on fingers kind of ring?"

Lyra beamed at her friend's knowledge of Hyu-man artifacts; she knew giving the ring to Heart Break was a good idea.

"That's right! I knew you wouldn't just think it was a horn hoop, like Bon-bon would. Of course, now that I think about it, I'm not sure why I was going to give it to her in the first place; it's not like she has any way to wear it..."

Lyra seemed lost in thought for a moment, then shook her head and continued.

"Anyway! I just wanted to give you something to remember me by. I'm sure a professional Hunter like yourself travels all over the world looking for Hyu-mins, so I don't know when we'll see each other again. But the next time you're near Ponyville, stop by and visit, okay? I want to hear all about your adventures when you come back!"

Beaming at her fellow Hunter, Lyra waved farewell one last time, and began to trot back toward Ponyville. Heart Break stood watching her, until she could no longer make out the mint green unicorn in the darkness. Looking back up at the ring now resting on her horn, Heart smiled once more. Maybe tonight's heist had been a success after all.

"It's just a shame the Boss won't get that ring he wanted..."