The Mind Is Software

by TundraStanza

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Other, Crossover
Length: 2853

The Red Illuminati has invaded the world of Equestria. The solution? Shoot some red guys while using the power to stop time. Don't think about it too hard.

Some pony wakes up in a realm where they're the only thing able to talk. Prompts appear in bold text to tell them what to do. It appears helpful enough, but what is the benefactor's true motive? In a world where time is dependent on the player moving, what is real?
---
Would this count as a crackfic even if I wasn't on drugs while writing this?
Superhot is property of SUPERHOT Team and Piotr Iwanicki.
Rated "Teen" for gun violence and pixelated bodies.
"Other" tag is for more characters that will appear than the maximum five main character limitation.
One-shot.

Published 2019-02-04 03:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-04 03:00:02 UTC

TIME. DOESN'T. MOVE. UNTIL. YOU. MOVE.

Button Mash yawned and smacked his lips. A bright white light blurred his vision. He groaned as he slowly lifted his head to look around. It was difficult to determine where he was. However, the hard floor and jagged surroundings made it apparent that he wasn't in his bedroom. He voiced a short syllable of confusion until his eyes were drawn to a red highlight in the center of the room.

This red shape was that of a taller stallion. But this stranger pony had no eyes, no mouth, no distinct mane or tail, and no horn or wings. What he did have convinced the colt to look at the defining object with wide eyes. The stallion had a pistol, propped in a way that could be triggered by a hoof motion. The loud end was pointed right at Button's head.

"Mom!" Button called out as he took two steps for a galloping start.

*Pfoo!*

...

Button fell sideways against the white floor. His vision went cloudy. Then, the world around him turned into a mockery of one of his older video games glitching up. This static continued for a few seconds before resetting the white room he had woken up inside. Giant, bold words zipped by in front of his eyes.

TIME. DOESN'T. MOVE. UNTIL. YOU. MOVE.

Once again, Button Mash found himself staring at the loud end of the dark pistol, held by the faceless red stallion. The colt hyperventilated, but didn't move his hooves. The stallion said nothing, holding his pose like a statue.

Button blinked. "Okay... okay... I guess this is a thing now." He could hear himself breathing loudly, but the small cloud of warm breath didn't seem to move in sync with what he was hearing.

Move hoof against enemy to stagger.

"Uh..." Button slowly reached his hoof out to the front leg of the faceless stallion. "Like this?"

There was a loud noise, like that from kicking a sandbag. The stallion froze in a new stance, like he was about to tumble backwards. Yet, he didn't fall. Meanwhile, Button's mouth fell open while his hoof was still where he originally tapped against his silent enemy. The dark pistol was suspended in the air out of the stallion's grip.

GRAB. THE. WEAPON.

Why were these words so bold and stagnated? They practically blocked the entire vision while they raced by. In contrast, the instruction to "stagger" the "enemy" had been a calm, complete sentence. It had been a small afterthought, a subtitle to gently nudge its one-pony audience. One second felt like an eternity, and the gun was already in Button's hoof before he had time to realize what he was doing.

Press trigger to shoot.

"Where did these words come from?" Button wondered as he aimed the gun at the stallion that barely moved.

*Pfoo!*

This time, Button remained upright. However, the stallion did not fall over sideways. Instead, the red chest area exploded into a bunch of small red polygons. Eventually, the rest of the enemy's body followed suit and scattered all over the floor before disappearing completely. Had that really just happened?

"SUPER."

"Waugh!" Button jumped at the loud, foreign voice. He instinctively tossed the weapon in the general direction that he saw the bold word briefly appear.

"HOT. SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT."

The last few seconds of Button's experience flashed in his eye. Except, it was much faster than he remembered. It looked more like a deliberate punch to the faceless stallion's foreleg, a quick retrieval of the gun, and pinpoint accuracy at the enemy's nonexistent heart. When he came back to the present, the colt held both of his front hooves against his head.

"Oh sweet Celestia, I don't think I'm on my JoyBoy anymore."

His vision and ears were quickly bombarded by new static.

THEY'RE. COMING. FOR. YOU.

"Wait, what?!" Silver Spoon cried out.

When the filly took a good look at her new surroundings there were at least four more faceless stallions. All of them were red. None of them had any defining features that separated them from the first one she had shot. She shook on her stance. What were these strange ponies? Why wouldn't they just leave her alone?

Silver Spoon swallowed empty air in her throat. Two enemies were closing in on her, but they only ran when she took a step one way or another. She decided if she had to fight them with some weird law affecting time here, then she might have been able to do this. The filly got into a back-leg-only stance and ran what little she recalled from self-defense lessons through her mind.

A left hook and right jab with her front hooves were quickly followed by a back-flip kick with her hind leg. The red stallion she hit disintegrated into polygons. When Silver repeated her motions, the second enemy followed his ally into the land of dead pixels. Her ear picked up the sound of a gunshot. She froze in place to look around with her eyes.

She caught sight of a bullet within a couple of inches of hitting her head. During the same duration as a bead of sweat rolling down her head, she lowered herself to the ground. Her heart raced as she watched the bullet crawl through the air above herself. What was she supposed to do? These next enemies had range on their side. It was so not fair!

STOP WHINING.

She wasn't whining. She was complaining inside her head, no less. What kind of weirdo pony sent messages by way of giant words that blocked vision? She sighed before taking to crawling a couple steps in the direction of the enemy.

Another gunshot rang out. She leaned to her left and inched her way past the streaming bullet. Her heart raced, even when watching the tiny force move at such a slow rate. She had accidentally touched what looked like one that was floating still in her last "restart". She had no interest in revisiting death anytime soon.

Slowly but surely, Silver Spoon made her way across the room. Every fiber told her to run, but she bit her lip to focus on keeping calm and careful. Luckily, the environment and the mean red stallion-shaped enemies stopped whenever she held in one spot to catch her breath. She was almost there.

After ducking underneath a close shot, she punched up at the stallion's faceless head. He stumbled backward, letting his gun fly. Just looking at the gun magically pulled it toward Silver Spoon's possession. She fired, but the stallion's backward stumbling actually left enough room for her shot to hit the wall behind him. She tried pressing the trigger again.

*Click. Click.*

It was empty! How was it empty? The enemy had fired at least seven shots before she took the gun away. In her panic and movement, the faceless stallion had recovered his balance. He was now hoofing the ground, preparing to charge.

OUT. OF. AMMO. Toss your weapon to stagger the enemy.

"Well, that sounds about as good a plan as any." Silver Spoon chucked the empty gun as hard as she could.

The gun fell apart into pixels upon contact. Once again, the stallion flinched backwards. Silver Spoon actually yelled as she galloped forth and kicked the stallion in the head. His body fell apart into red polygons and then into pixels.

"SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT."

"What does that even mean?" Silver Spoon looked up before groaning.

Her headache gave way to another screen of rectangular static.

JUMP.

"Oh darn it. What now?"

Rumble grumbled before pressing off the ground with his hooves. He used his wings to get a little extra air. As soon as he was a few feet up, a large white object sped forward underneath him. It kind of resembled a carriage, although the lack of visible passenger seats made that observation questionable. As soon as he started descending, the alien carriage crashed into the far wall.

This crash managed to kill two of the faceless stallions on the other side of the wall. It also left a wide opening after it rolled through. First the gunners and now vehicles to dodge? Couldn't a colt catch a break around here? Rumble shook his head before touching down and peeking around one side of the opening.

It's a trap!

"Well no spit, stupid giant words!" Rumble exclaimed.

At least five, red stallions turned from their positions. If they had eyes, they would be looking right where Rumble was taking cover.

"Oh shoot..." Rumble pulled his head back just in time for a few bullets to zip past.

He tried picking up some of the pieces of wall that were lying on the floor. However, they slid right off of his hooves no matter how much he tried to grip. But the guns and other objects in the previous rooms had been just fine. Why couldn't he pick up these pieces?

"What is this crud?" Rumble put his front hooves in front of his hips. "Are you saying I can only pick up black objects? That's discrimination!"

Gunpowder continued to explode in the next room. More bullets slowly traveled through the opening in the wall. Rumble tapped his hoof against the floor, trying to think of something. He sighed and spotted an opening between bullet sprays. With a slow, careful flap of his wings, he took a leap into the room.

He froze when he saw a bullet suspended, pointing directly at his head. Gritting his teeth, he leaned himself into a slow-motion spin to his right. For once, he was relieved that time worked so weird here. After slowly spinning his flight away from some more bullets, Rumble managed to pop a left hoof into one of the stallions' nonexistent eye sockets. Luck had it, as this had somehow driven this fake pony into red pixels. The rapid-fire weapon hung in the air until the colt lightly touched it.

Rumble's first thought was that combat rifles didn't usually come this small. His second thought was how much recoil he felt, even when the shots he made were all slowed down. It required a lot of tight squeezes and stalling mid-flight, but he managed to defeat every last faceless stallion.

"SUPER. HOT."

"Yeah, yeah, can we get on with it?" Rumble threw his temporary weapon over his shoulder.

Are you one of us?

"One what?" Fleetfoot tilted her head. "What are you even talking about?"

Or are you with them?

"Ugh... I hate riddle-speak." The mare briefly face-hoofed before looking onward.

She took to flying through the currently empty, white hallway. Without the weird mutes threatening her every move, it was a bit more stressful. There was no way to know for sure that she was really safe. Plus, the disembodied and voiceless words that kept asking her or telling her to do stuff weren't helping to ease that stress.

You need to escape.

Ah, speak of the devil. It was obvious that she needed to leave whatever this place was. She had to find a way back home. At least there, she wouldn't have to rely on guns and could just out-fly the competition. As it was, the environment was getting eaten away by static before her vision was overtaken by black-and-white squares.

STOP. READING. THESE. WORDS.

Moondancer pressed her glasses against her face and looked around. She was trapped in what seemed to be a barren prison cell. She groaned. "And how exactly do you expect that to happen? Maybe you should stop shoving those words into my eyes in the first place, mystery pony."

"SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT."

"Again, that's the exact opposite of helping." Moondancer shot a small burst of magic at the cell door, to no effect. "For all I know, you brought me here in the first place. If you want me to leave so badly, take me home yourself!"

Her vision and ears were bombarded by static.

Here's a new power. Press [Z key] to snatch their body.

"I... beg your pardon?" Fancy Pants wiped his monocle on his collar before repositioning it. "What is a 'Z key'?"

An unarmed, red stallion was frozen in their running cycle. The red color gave way to what seemed to be an entire hide made of glitches. Blinking a couple times, Fancy Pants took a deep breath. He stared at where the other fellow should have had a pair of eyes. In a surreal passage of space, he felt himself pulled toward the enemy's position.

When Discord blinked again, he saw black pixels falling within the room he had just flown out of. Allowing himself a faint smile, he tried his focus on another faceless stallion.

That skill is not yet ready.

"Typical." The draconequus spat. "Someone adds one good thing to the experience only to take it away. That's my tactic!"

He sighed as he yanked a weapon out of the enemy's grip. He then shot some carefully placed bullets. A slow step forward was followed by him standing still. An enemy shot was coming too close. Using this world's time mechanic, he tiptoed and side-stepped this bullet barrage. He threw his pistol at the enemy only to grab theirs. Three more enemies fell to his shooting. He yawned.

"SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT."

"Kind of lukewarm, actually." Discord crossed his paw and talon before the static shifted his surroundings.

You have a problem.

"Are you sure you're not projecting a little?" asked Starlight Glimmer. Once more, she was trapped in a white prison cell. "You haven't exactly been nice to me so far."

You are shackled.

"And whose fault is that, Mr. Text-Spewing Creature?" For kicks, she activated her telekinesis on herself to rotate within the cell.

Your mind is software. The game will set you free.

"Excuse me?" She patted her mane. "Are you trying to brainwash me? I've already pulled most of the wordplay tricks in and out of the books. You can't break me."

Agree to upload, and you'll be set free.

Starlight put her front hooves over her ears as she kept levitating in place. "~La la la, not listening! That's not an epiphany. The visuals are lame; the ending's still the same. Now stop this game immediately.~"

"SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT."

The static released her into the uncaring, white-and-red world. Celestia gasped at the towering object. It appeared to be a pyramid as large as the entire mountain where Canterlot City resided. Additionally, it was emitting an aura akin to the most foul dark magic she had ever encountered.

Upload yourself to the pyramid.

Celestia shook her head. Hoof steps galloped from either side of the giant, white room. Dozens of faceless, red stallions were charging. The pyramid's aura was pulling her toward itself. It demanded that she enter and unite with it. In doing so, she felt some of her lost magic filling back up. She clenched her teeth as she focused on her horn.

"Enough!"

Her Royal Canterlot voice was coupled by a spell expanding outward. Golden magic surrounded and lifted a multitude of black weapons out of the stallions' grasps. Her eyes glowed white. All of the weapons turned to face the pyramid mountain. Various bricks glitched out when the golden magic flowed past them.

WHAT. ... ARE. ... YOU?

"Tired of your crap!" A single spark was released from her horn.

*Bang! Pow! Pfoo! Pfoo! Pfoo!*

Every pistol, every shotgun, and every battle rifle went off. Bricks from all over the pyramid turned into pixels before crashing onto the floor below. The faceless stallions fell to their knees. Celestia hovered while slowly flapping her wings. The entire world crashed into a sea of blue light.

Button Mash lifted his head with a start. He whipped his head around wildly before looking at the screen in front of him. He rubbed his face with a hoof. He pressed the escape button. With barely a sound, the game shut down and returned to the default desktop.

Why his friend thought he would enjoy this cross between a first-person shooter and a puzzle game was beyond him. It had a neat gimmick for the first few minutes, but that was about it. Come to think of it, his friend was saying some weird crud just before he unlocked the third level. There was something about how they should stop playing, followed by the title being typed up ad infinitum.

Button dragged the file to the digital recycle bin. He'd probably go back to playing Nightcraft before touching another new game. He yawned before turning around and trotting out of his room. In his rush, he failed to see a small black pyramid... floating silently above his bed.

Grab the pyramid to continue.

Author's Note

Hmph. That's not the first time I wrote a fic using nothing but the premise of an indie game for foundation. Perhaps it won't be the last. Time will be the determining factor.