"Ass-ass"ins

by Fattymagee1

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Cranky Doodle Donkey, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Matilda
Length: 3865

Matilda and Cranky Doodle Donkey are assassins.

Matilda and Cranky Doodle Donkey are recruited as Princess Celestia's personal assassins.

Published 2012-08-21 18:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-21 18:34:01 UTC

Don't Say The "A" Word

“So I had just finished laughing at the poor and needy asking for bits on the streets, when I made my way to that new supposedly ‘high-class’ beauty salon on the other side of Canterlot yesterday,” said Prince Blueblood as he took a sip from his diamond-encrusted teacup.

Hoity Toity’s face lit up. “Oh yes! I have been looking to rate that establishment for some time now. Why don’t you let me in on some details?” Hoity Toity picked up his own teacup from the gold-plated table and took a sip.

“Do I have a story to tell you! So I went to this place for my weekly hooficure, expecting nothing but perfection. The stylist did a mediocre job on my left-front hoof, but when she moved to my right, she committed the unthinkable!”

Hoity Toity removed his violet shades. “My goodness! What horrible travesty could she possibly have committed?”

Prince Blueblood placed his teacup on the table between them and showed Hoity Toity his right hoof, there seemed to be a tiny crack in it. “That awful mare... she... BROKE MY HOOFNAIL! Now I look simply hideous!” The prince placed his front hooves over his face and began sobbing like a newborn foal.

Matilda and Cranky Doodle Donkey looked at one another and rolled their eyes simultaneously.

“Goodness Doodle, no wonder Celestia wants him dead,” whispered Matilda.

Cranky nodded in agreement. “Yes, that embarrassment of a prince deserves to die.” The two lay hidden in all black body-suits beneath a table behind Hoity Toity and Prince Blueblood.

The fashion critic gasped in complete shock. “By Celestia! Something so wretched shall not go unpunished!” Hoity Toity leaned over to comfort Prince Blueblood with his hoof. “I will make sure a disaster of this proportion never again happens to another important pony! I shall go to this so called ‘beauty establishment’ this instant and bring you the justice you deserve!”

Hoity Toity arose to his hooves and galloped out the living room door. Prince Blueblood remained in his chair, beside himself.

“Now’s our chance.” whispered Cranky. Slowly and silently, the donkey couple inched forward from beneath the table. The prince was too busy moaning with his hooves over his eyes to notice Cranky and Matilda stealthily creep over to opposite ends of the large bookcase full of romance novels next to him.

They placed their hooves behind the bookcase. Matilda looked over at Cranky, who in turn gave the signal to start pushing. At first it didn’t budge, but with increased effort, it began to slowly tip towards the chair where Prince Blueblood was sitting.

The prince heard the sound of creaking wood from behind him. He turned around just in time to see a large mass of books heading straight for him. “Oh sweet Sapphire Shores!”

…

“So did he beg for mercy before you struck him down?” asked Princess Celestia, proudly.

Cranky and Matilda looked at one another, unsure of what to say. Cranky thought about it for a minute before nodding his head.

“Of course, your majesty, he squealed like swine. That joke of a prince pleaded with us for his life, but we showed him no such kindness,” lied Cranky.

Princess Celestia laughed. “Perfect. That nephew of mine has been such a pain in the ass...” Cranky and Matilda shot the princess an angry expression. Celestia smiled sheepishly. “... Ahem... flank lately.” Nothing was more offensive to donkeys than the dreaded ‘A’ word.

Celestia trotted over to her large purple cushion by the fireplace. She sat down and picked up a roll of parchment with her magic and began reading, “Hmm... let’s see... you took care of Luna by sending her back to the moon with that potion you put in her bathtub. You lured and trapped Cadence and Shining Armor in the caverns below Canterlot by promising them free gems for their outfits, and whatever you did to Blueblood.” Princess Celestia laughed again, almost maniacally, “Their disappearances and presumed deaths all tragic accidents, confirmed by me. Equestria has no choice but to accept it as truth!”

Even though it wasn’t that funny, Cranky and Matilda looked at one another and pretended to laugh along with their princess. Celestia rose to her hooves and stood in front of the burning fireplace.

“My quest for sole power over Equestria is nearly complete. There is just one mission left, the most important of all.” Celestia turned and faced the two donkeys.

Confusion gripped the assassins. Wasn’t Prince Blueblood Celestia’s final heir to the throne? Who else could possibly pose a threat to Celestia’s plan for supreme power? They previously believed their work was done with Blueblood.

“Though you may have eliminated my bloodline, there is still one pony in Equestria who could possibly threaten my plans.” Celestia magically levitated a photograph from a table to the assassins. The picture presented a somewhat odd-looking earth-pony mare. Its coat was a solid pink, and its mane and tail were magenta and unusually puffy. Its cutie mark consisted of three balloons, two blue and one yellow.

Matilda and Cranky gasped simultaneously. “Pinkie Pie?!”

Princess Celestia nodded, a somewhat dumbfounded look on her face. “Why yes, do you know this mare?”

Matilda gulped. It was the Pinkie Pie who reunited her and Cranky in Ponyville, but the princess wasn't aware of that. Celestia had ‘recruited’ the couple as her personal assassins after they married and settled down in Canterlot.

“Well yes I’ve heard of her, hasn’t everypony? She’s one of those famous Elements of Harmony who helped save Equestria on a few occasions, is she not?” stated Matilda.

Celestia grinned. “Yes, indeed she is. That is partially why she must be eliminated. Many believe my personal protégée Twilight Sparkle is the most powerful of the six elements, this is not true. Her magic abilities do not surpass my own. Pinkamena Diane Pie, however, possesses a magic so great, nopony in Equestria including myself could possibly duplicate it.”

Celestia trotted back towards her assassins and stood directly in front of them. She stared directly into Matilda’s eyes. “She seems to have the ability to open another dimension, break something unicorn scholars call the ‘Fourth Wall’. This was a myth that lived only in pony folklore before Pinkie Pie came around. If she were to use this power against me, I greatly fear the repercussions.”

Matilda and Cranky both knew and had experienced Pinkie's strange abilities first-hoof, but Matilda was outraged by the princess's claims. She knew Pinkie would never intentionally hurt a fly. “Goodness, princess, she’s an Element of Harmony! You of all ponies should know she would never harm anypony!” pleaded Matilda. She couldn’t eradicate the kind pony who helped bring her long-lost love back to her.

That long-lost love, however, remained quiet. Cranky just stared down at his hooves.

Celestia’s graceful flowing mane and tail suddenly changed to a fiery red. Her eye pupils rendered into the same color.

The Princess now spoke with a much deeper intimidating voice, and with great disgust, “You, my so-called ‘loyal assassins’, or may I say ‘ass-ass-ins’, remember the terms our... agreement, do you not?”

Matilda and Cranky both looked up into Celestia’s menacing red eyes and nodded.

Celestia’s form proceeded to change back to its normal graceful figure. “Good. You eliminate Pinkie Pie, and I shall see to the release of the thousands of asses currently enslaved in the remote gemstone-mining caves of the Everfree Forest, as well as spare your meaningless lives.” Celestia turned around and walked back to the fireplace. She stared into the red-golden flames as it burned some logs away. “Failure to do so, and well... I don’t feel it necessary to elaborate. Understood?”

Cranky and Matilda nodded their heads again, both donkeys also staring at the same fire in utter terror.

“Wonderful. Now Pinkie Pie alone will arrive in two days, expecting to attend a Sarsaparilla-tasting convention.” Celestia magically levitated a tiny bottle off a table with a skull and crossbones on the label and placed it in front of the donkeys. “On her first night here, you shall place one drop from this vial in a bottle of Sarsaparilla Pinkie Pie will undoubtedly bring with her. One sip of the poisoned beverage, and the pathetic party pony will be gone in minutes!”

Celestia turned to face her assassins, her face now bearing the same maniacal expression she had earlier. “Now be gone! Return to your quarters and prepare for your target’s arrival!”

Cranky and Matilda, who had been huddling together, turned around and sprinted out the door. They could hear Celestia's chiling laughter behind them.

...

“Doodle... we can’t kill one of the kindest ponies in Equestria. Without Pinkie Pie, we probably would never have met again. She was one our best friends! Isn’t there anything we can do?” cried Matilda. She had been beside herself almost the entire duration of the two days leading up to Pinkie’s arrival. Disposing of Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, and Shining Armor had hurt too. But not like this, she knew Pinkie Pie personally. Disposing of Prince Blueblood didn’t really hurt though, he kind of deserved it.

Cranky rolled his eyes as he put his black body-suit on. “Ugh... Matilda, for the hundredth time, what choice do we have? Ever since she forced us into this, she has grown more and more unstable with her power. I don’t want to lay a hoof on Pinkie either, but If we don’t obey Celestia’s orders, she’ll kill us and the rest of our kind! Is that what you want?”

Matilda put her head down and shook her head. She reluctantly joined Cranky in entering her own body suit, tears running down her cheeks.

…

Pinkie Pie opened the next bottle of Sarsaparilla and consumed it in one big gulp. “Mmm... Juicy!” She put down the bottle, and reached for the next one, but her hoof stopped short. Realizing her bladder was full from the twenty or so Sarsaparilla drinks she just devoured, she ran out the door of her quarters towards the mare’s room.

“Now’s our chance.” whispered Cranky as he hoofed over Matilda the rope. The two donkeys had waited patiently for nearly four hours perched above the ceiling, looking down through a small opening of the vent they sat in. It was only a matter of time before the party pony would need to do her business, though it seemed to take much longer for her than most ponies.

Reluctantly, Matilda placed the bottle in a small pocket on her suit, and the rope in her mouth. Cranky placed the other end of the rope in his mouth, and opened the small hatch covering the opening. He began to slowly lower his wife down towards the floor.

Once Matilda reached the ground, she walked over to the table where several more bottles of Sarsaparilla stood. She began to sob as she opened the small bottle. She looked up at Cranky, who in turn nodded. Matilda, now bawling her eyes out, opened and placed one drop of poison in each of the bottles, before placing the caps back on tight.

Matilda gazed up at Cranky again, who vehemently motioned for her to grab the rope immediately. Once she had a secure bite on it, Cranky began the grueling process of pulling her back up. He hadn’t pulled her one hoof-length off the ground...

“HIYA, CRANKY!” said a loud, booming voice from directly behind him. Cranky was so startled that he lost his balance, and Matilda’s weight pulled him right out the hatch. He fell several hoof-lengths before landing head-first on the hard floor below.

“Oopsies,” said Pinkie Pie whilst gazing down at the unconscious donkey on her floor.

…

Cranky opened his eyes, and found himself lying in Pinkie Pie’s bed on the side of the room. He looked over to his left, and noticed Matilda and Pinkie quietly conversing at the table where the poisoned Sarsaparilla sat. What was Matilda doing? Is she crazy? Cranky realized he would need to take care of Pinkie Pie himself.

Despite his splitting headache, Cranky jumped out of his bed and charged at Pinkie Pie. He was a couple of hoof-lengths from Pinkie, when she out of nowhere shifted to her right. Cranky crashed head-on into the chair Pinkie Pie was sitting in just a second earlier.

“Oh my goodness! Doodle! Are you alright?” screamed Matilda.

Cranky, in quite a daze, turned on his back to face Pinkie Pie. He pointed a hoof up at her. “Matil...We...Pinkie... How?”

Pinkie Pie smiled. “Well that’s obvious, silly. My Pinkie Sense told me! Two eye-blinks followed by two ear-flaps means look out for charging donkeys!

Still very confused, Cranky turned his head towards Matilda before mumbling, “Matilda...Pinkie...Vent?”

Matilda opened her mouth to speak, but Pinkie Pie spoke first, “That’s obvious too, silly, I was wondering what you two were doing up in that vent above my room, so I decided to come join you!”

By now Cranky had regained his composure, and felt a building sense of anger inside him. “Hold on a second, you mean you KNEW we were there all this time?” yelled Cranky.

Pinkie Pie snickered. “Well DUH, I was just sitting down here wondering why you guys were sitting all the way up there spying on me in weird outfits. If you wanted to talk, you could have just used the front door! I grew tired of waiting for you, so I decided to go visit you up in the vent after going pee-pee!”

Cranky felt the overwhelming urge to charge at Pinkie Pie again, but decided against it. He was well aware now that any attempt at trying to catch the hyper party pony was futile.

“So Matilda here told me the princess wasn’t being very nice to you or anypony!”

A now beyond irate Cranky shot a cold look over at Matilda, “You TOLD HER?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE? YOU’VE DOOMED OUR...”

“Cranky! Have you gone loco in the coco? Don’t be a Cranky Doodle Donkey!” interrupted Pinkie Pie again. “While you were sleeping, Matilda explained everything. How the princess needed non-magical but intelligent creatures to be her assassins, because they wouldn’t be detected by the castle’s magical defense system. How she forced you to make Luna and the rest go away. How she’s become extremely paranoid. Of course I was shocked, but I knew exactly what to do. Don’t you worry, you’re aunt Pinkie Pie’s got it all taken care of!”

Matilda nodded. “Yes dear, just my follow my lead and act natural.”

Though he was beyond angry, Cranky knew there was nothing he could do. He dropped his ears and looked down at the floor, giving in. “Ugh... alright.”

Matilda picked up a pack of Sarsaparilla in her mouth, and motioned for Cranky to follow her out the door. Pinkie Pie stayed behind,

“You better be right about this, kid...” Cranky sneered at Pinkie Pie.

…

The door to Celestia’s personal quarters opened, and the two donkeys entered the room. Princess Celestia sat on her cushion staring at the fireplace. Upon the donkeys’ entrance, she turned to face them.

“Ah... My royal subjects. I do hope for your sake you have good news to bring me,” said the princess, fairly nonchalantly.

A majestic grin appeared on Matilda’s face. She put down the pack of Sarsaparilla in her mouth before saying, “She went for it, Princess! She went for the poisoned bottle of Sarsaparilla we left for her! She’s as dead as a doornail!”

Celestia then glared at Cranky, who in turn put on the best fake smile he could.

“Why...yes princess! We definitely got her good!” asserted Cranky, though quite sheepishly.

Celestia arose onto all fours and slowly approached the donkey couple, a somewhat skeptical look on her face. “Take me to her! Once I see her dead, lifeless body, only then shall I believe you!”

“Of course, your highness. But would you first like a bottle of Sarsaparilla to celebrate?”

Matilda took a bottle, popped off the cap, and took a large gulp of the drink. Cranky nearly gasped in shock. Weren’t those drinks poisoned? But he kept quiet.

“Hmm... sitting in front of the fire for all that time has increased my thirst quite a bit. I guess one bottle could be appropriate.” said Celestia before picking up her own bottle.

The princess nearly took a sip when it hit her. “Wait a minute, this is a trick! This is poisoned, isn’t it! I knew you wouldn’t...”

“Calm down, Princess, I just took a sip myself.” interrupted Matilda as she gave another bottle to Cranky, “and so will Cranky here.” Reluctant, though without hesitation, Cranky popped the cap off the bottle and took a sip. It tasted wonderful, but now he was poisoned too! What was Matilda thinking?

“See princess, they’re not poisoned. We would probably be dead by now if they were. And besides, even if you did consume a poisoned Sarsaparilla, it wouldn’t kill you anyway. You’re much too big and powerful. All that would do is anger you, now why on earth-ponies would we want that?” said a surprisingly still-collected Matilda.

Apparently Matilda’s convincing worked, since after a couple more seconds of deliberation, Celestia popped off the cap to her own bottle with her magic and wolfed it all down in a couple of large gulps. “Take me to that foul pink pony’s glorious corpse!”

“With pleasure” said Matilda as she lead Cranky and the Princess out the door.

…

With Celestia’s magic, the doors to Pinkie Pie’s room flew open, and the three entered the room. And there, next to the bed, Pinkie Pie’s limp body lay on the hard stone floor. An empty bottle of Sarsaparilla lay next to her.

Upon this sight, Celestia let out a screeching laugh and looked up at the ceiling. “By Discord do I believe my own eyes, she’s gone! Equestria is mine to rule alone for all of eternity! Nopony will ever replace my throne now!”

Celestia looked down again at Pinkie Pie’s body, but to the princess’s utter horror, she was gone.

“Not so fast, princess!”

Celestia turned towards the high-pitch voice behind her. There stood Pinkie Pie and the two donkeys.

“You may have succeeded in making your family go away, but not Pinkie Pie! You will never defeat her!” said Matilda, proudly.

Suddenly Celestia’s flowing multi-colored mane and tail transformed into the terrifying fire-red color the donkeys had witnessed a couple days earlier.

“YOU ASSES WILL PAY FOR THIS!” said Celestia in a very deep, demonic tone. She began to charge, her glowing horn pointed directly at the three.

“Wait for it,” said Pinkie Pie.

Seemingly out of nowhere, the charging alicorn’s pace slowed down to almost a snail’s pace, but continued to inch nearer nearer. When the princess was but a hoof-length away, Pinkie Pie jumped in front and spread her front hooves wide. As she did so, a large, black ‘hole’ appeared between her hooves in front of her. Celestia came to complete stop in front of it, before losing consciousness and tumbling into the hole.

Once completely inside, Pinkie Pie closed her hooves around the hole, and it disappeared along with the princess.

Pinkie Pie toppled over, obviously exhausted from the act, but she grinned up at the donkeys.

Cranky was now beyond confused, “What... just happened? Why was Celestia poisoned and we weren’t? Where did she go? Will she wake up? What...”

Matilda shut Cranky up with a deep kiss on his lips. “Relax, Doodle, it’s over now. You and I didn’t get poisoned because we didn’t drink poison. Did you really think that was the last pack of Sarsaparilla Pinkie brought with her? But I am curious about one thing. Pinkie, where did Celestia go?”

Pinkie Pie just laughed, “I have no idea!”

Matilda chuckled, "Well, that bitch got what she deserved for calling us an ass."

Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement, "Yes, it wasn't very nice of her to call you a butt!"

Matilda and Cranky rolled their eyes, before falling to the floor cracking up. Confused, Pinkie Pie shrugged and fell to the floor laughing with them.

…

Soon after, news spread of what happened to the princess. Equestria was shocked, but happy to know that a true tyrant was gone. Twilight Sparkle and several other bright unicorns figured out how to return Princess Luna from her second stay on the moon, and Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were returned safely from the caverns. The enslaved donkeys were also released. Since Prince Blueblood had actually passed away, he couldn’t be returned. But he wasn’t missed.

“Nopony really liked him anyway, especially after what he did to Rarity at the Gala!” said Pinkie Pie.

Princess Luna took responsibility of the sun and moon, just like her sister before her. Cranky and Matilda moved back to Ponyville for good, knowing that’s where they truly belonged. They would live out the rest of their days peacefully at their tranquil home, though not without a few visits from a certain pink party pony from time-to-time. Eventually, things would return to normal in Equestria.

One question would always linger in both Matilda’s and Cranky’s head though.

Where did Princess Celestia go?

…

Celestia awoke, and found herself standing in a small, very strange looking wooden room with only one window. The ground was covered in hay and dirt, as well as several small brown pellet-like objects. A very heavy saddle sat on her back, so heavy, in-fact, she could not open her wings. Wait, where were her wings? Celestia’s mane and tale were still golden-red, and she still had her horn. But when she tried to use magic to open the wooden door below the window, nothing happened. She also couldn’t recall anything that recently occurred. Where was she? How did she get there?

Suddenly she heard voices. Celestia peered her head out the window, looking for the source. When she gazed to her right, she spotted two strange looking creatures walking towards her on two... hoofs? They looked kind of similar to Spike's, but still very different. She had never seen anything like it before.

“Y’all better be right about this bein’ the neatest horse I ever laid my eyes on Jim,” said one of the creatures as it approached. “I’ve got pig huntin’ to do!”

‘Pigs? Hunting? These things eat... meat? What foul creatures!’ Celestia thought.

"Oh quit you're yappin', Billy Bob, you're gonna shit your breeches when ya see this thing at the end of m' stable."

"This is probably another one of them sick pranks..." At the sight of Celestia, the creature gasped and stood agape. It dropped its pitchfork-like object it was carrying with his its strange hooves onto the muddy ground.

“What did I tell ya! Ain't she the purtiest thing ya ever laid eyes on? I found her laying in the woods out back."

"I reckon It's a real life Rapidash!"

(A/N: I don't know what I was thinking with this, the randomness all just sort of came to me as I went along.)