“Emerald, huh?” you asked, looking to the mare next to you. “Figured you would have done something more, I dunno, inspired.”

“Anon! You asked me to create a new disguise in an alley. I didn’t exactly have time to meditate on the concept.”

“Fine, it’s…” you pause, looking over the newly minted form of Emerald Jewel, a vibrant green unicorn with rich yellow eyes and a darker green mane and tail. “It doesn’t matter what you look like, Em. Wait… shit, I can still call you Em like this! I take it all back. And uh… thanks for keeping the voice.”

“I know you like it,” she hinted, “you always perk up when I talk.”

“It’s almost like I like you or something,” you deadpan, bursting moments later into a wicked grin.

“You’re still an idiot.”

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot. And you’re not getting rid of me until you don’t want to anymore.”

“I still don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with me,” she admitted, starting a slow waltz down the avenue.

“Do you really want to know?”

“I'm not sure. Tell me anyway.”

“Way I see it there’s three reasons I like you. The first is that you’re a freaky sex maniac, and that kinda thing is right up my alley. The second is that you’ve been there for me this whole time, even if you keep saying it’s for selfish reasons. And the third reason,” you pause, “the third reason hits closer to home.”

“And what is that?”

“You remind me of me.”

“I remind you of yourself? I knew you were self-centered, but that’s a laugh.”

“No, Em. Not in a good way. We’re both broken, both outcasts. We both hurt.”

“Hive, you really know how to bring down the room, don’t you.”

“I uh…” you pause, “You told me you wanted me to tell you.”

“You’re right. But I’m not sure if that makes more or less sense than when I didn’t know.”

“It’s not supposed to make sense, Em. Love hardly ever does,” man you felt weird, you weren’t normally a romantic kinda guy, but there was something about this tiny bughorse that just kept eating at you. Maybe it was some deranged kind of hero complex, maybe it was your dick talking, maybe she was right and it was all fake. No, fuck that, you know what’s real and what’s not. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. You knew what you felt, and she would understand eventually.

“Oh, we’re almost here, Anon!” she called, focusing on an ornate stone-block building right on the corner of the next block.

“Where is here again?” you ask, having forgotten the name of the restaurant.

“This,” she waved with a hoof, “is Le Château du Cheval. One of the most prominent restaurants in all of Canterlot.”

“Jeez, I feel like I can barely afford to say the name of the place. It’s fucking perfect, Em. Let’s go,” you prodded, picking up your pace just a bit. You rounded the corner onto the busy street where the entrance was, and made your way up a few steps and through the towering wooden doors.

“Welcome to Le Château du Cheval, my name is Perchance and I would be happy to help you tonight,” came the voice of a beaming white unicorn stallion with a fiery red mane.

“Great, do you perchance have a table for two?” you snickered.

“Do you perchance have a reservation?” he derided, you could tell that joke was beyond old to him.

“Uh… Nope.”

“Well, sir. I’m afraid we’re all booked for the evening.”

“Dude, I can see behind you. The place is fucking empty.”

“Sir I’m afraid a reservation is required. You might consider a more appropriate venue. There is a fast-food shack not but three blocks from here.”

“Did you just?” you asked, a fury building inside of you, “Em, did he just? You know what, fuck this. This morning I ate breakfast with the fucking princesses, I don’t have to deal with this. And when I shit that out, it’ll still taste better than whatever shit you serve back there. C’mon Em, we’re leaving”

“Have a fine rest of your evening sir, madam.”

You stormed back down the steps and mindlessly headed in the direction of the hayburger joint, your date in tow.

“Anon, that was embarrassing!” Em called.

“He fucking turned us away! And I don’t think for a second it had anything to do with a reservation.”

“Even so, acting like that was-”

“Em, he insulted us. He decided we weren’t worthy to eat there because, I don’t know, the way I talk, the way we’re dressed,” you vent, “We deserve better than that… you deserve better than that. I just wanted to take you on a nice date, but I can’t take you on a date, I can’t get us into a restaurant, and now I’m fucking mad over some shitbag with an ego bigger than his dick.”

“Anon, you never had to take me on a date. This is all pointless anyway.”

“No, Em. It’s not fucking pointless,” you yell, “I fucking like you okay? I know you don’t get that, I know you’re only thinking the worst, but I know this is real. But evidently even here I can’t go on a fucking date without screwing shit up.”

“Does this really mean that much to you?”

“You!” you pause, turning to her, “You mean that much to me. Em, you’re all I’ve got here, my only real friend, the one thing I understand in this completely upside down world that baffles me at every turn. And now I have feelings for you and just like every other relationship in my life I manage to shit all over it.”

“You were right, you know.”

“Right? Right about what?”

“We are a lot alike. If what you said is true, it seems like we’re both disadvantaged when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“I don’t want to be,” you respond, “Do you?”

“I-” she stammered, looking down at her hooves, “That’s not my choice.”

“Of course it’s your choice!” you start, dropping to a whisper, “You’re a fucking Changeling! You can be whatever you want!”

“Not this. I can’t be what you want.”

“Who says, huh?” you ask, “Some angry ponies that just want to see you cease to exist? Your hive that, from your accounts, is clinging to life by a thread? Don’t let anyone define you, Em.”

“Anon, that’s-”

“No, Em. I don’t care what anyone thinks, what anyone says. I know that somewhere deep inside of you is the ability to love. I think you know that too. That’s why you’re trying to ward me off. You’re not scared that I’m falling for you, you’re scared that I might be right - that you might one day fall for me.”

“Stop!” she cried, a tear rolling down the jade fur of her cheek, “You’re wrong! There’s no love of my own inside me, Anon. I’m a container, a vessel. There’s no part of me that isn’t designed to consume the very feeling I’ve seeded in your mind.”

“I refuse to believe that you’re incapable of love, Em. There’s got to be some part of you that wants this, because the alternative hurts too much.”

“What’s the alternative?”

“That maybe I’m incapable of true love too.”

“Anon…” she hesitated, not really sure what to do with that. They never were.

“You know what, can we maybe just drop it for now. I don’t want to argue with you anymore.”

“Okay, Anon. I’m sorry.”

“No, Em. Don’t be. We shouldn’t ever apologize for being real with each other. Now let’s go grab that burger…”

Your short trip to the burger joint felt so much longer than it actually was. Despite what you said, you couldn’t drop it. You didn’t understand this world, these ponies, Em. The whole political landscape, a brewing war, a heart that couldn’t be won. What if she was right? You certainly didn’t understand how magic worked, but from what you could tell even the most magically advanced ponies couldn’t even detect that she was a Changeling; how then could you hope to know if what you were feeling was real or just a disguise. But that meant considering the other possibility, that it wasn’t her disguise that gave rise to your feelings. No, more probable yet was the chance that you were the author of your own false emotion, that your brewing love for this Changeling was just a ruse, and you were lying to her as much as yourself. Fuck.

“Sir, your order?” came a voice, “Sir can ya’ hear me?”

“Anon” Em nudged, shaking you finally from your thoughts.

“Uh… Shit, I’ll have whatever she got.”

“That’s two haystack fries, two Dodge Ranch burgers, and two vanilla milkshakes, coming right up. Go ahead and find a seat and we’ll bring it right out to ya’,” came the voice of the young stallion at the register, his accent both strange for this world and familiar to yours.

“Uh… Thanks,” you said as your date slipped a few bits over the counter to the cashier. You walked away, still a bit dazed, and grabbed a seat at the nearest table. Em followed closely behind, hopping into the seat across from you. “Sorry about that… Uh, got a lot on my mind.”

“Must be hard for you,” Em joked, “Thinking with something other than your dick for once.”

“Ouch!” you reply, quickly back in a better mood, “Your words wound me, Emerald Jewel!”

“…which is surprising, normally it’s hard for me. Pervert.”

“Em! There could be foals around!” you giggle, looking around to the completely empty restaurant, “Uh… guess not.”

A young unicorn mare caught your glance as she levitated over your food, simply nodding at you and your date as the trays softly landed on your table.

“Shit, this actually looks good!” you said, staring at the enormous pile of breaded and fried onions, something that actually resembled a real burger, and a tall milkshake. All of the sudden shit didn’t feel so serious anymore, “To say something completely uncharacteristic, maybe I don’t need to relentlessly gorge myself on meat after all.”

“I’m sure you’re going to get your meat some other way…”

You did a double-take, “Em, was that a gay joke? You’re learning so fast!”

“Don’t remind me. I already have enough of you inside me.”

“Fuck, you keep saying shit like that and I’ll bend you right over this table and put a little more of me inside of you.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You’re right,” you chuckle, “I doubt they’d let us go more than a minute before they called the cops. Or joined in… And, uh, I’m not sure that mare was of age.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before,” she quipped.

“Okay, come on. That was one time and it didn’t even count!” you whispered.

“Oh you know that’s not true. The only thing that couldn’t count after that was me.”

“I’m so conflicted right now! On one hand I’m so turned on right now, but on the other it’s because you’re taking the shit out on me.”

“I know which one wins out, pervert.”

“Then you better finish your burger quickly,” you suggest, biting off a large chunk of your own, “cause when it finally does win out, I’m going to take you right then and there. And I know you’d rather be choking on my meat cannon than that pile of disappointment anyday.”

“Teleport back to the castle?” she asked, fidgeting in her seat. Shit, she was as turned on as you were!

“Eh, on second thought,” you paused, stroking your chin, “I’m thinking I might just want to go straight to sleep.”

“Anon!” she squealed, her face beet red.

“Fine, Em… Let’s go.”

“I still think this is a futile exercise, but nonetheless,” Em looked away, blushing even more, “thank you for trying. It feels… different.”

Poof.

Author's Note

Still not sure how I feel about emotionally articulate Anon. But y'all motherfuckers wanted some motherfuckin' romance, so instead of Anon touching himself at night, you get Anon being in touch with himself ALL DAY LONG. That said, I don't mind the direction this has taken things. The second act was light for plot before I shuffled a few things around and rolled with this.

Also do you know how hard it is to write about someone's unrequited love for another without it sounding rapey? Cause fuck I wrote this like five different times and Anon sounded like a fucking psychopath every goddamn time. I mean more of a psychopath than usual.

I took a pretty significant chance that the last chapter and this one would pan out, but in the end I think I'm happy with it. I hope you all will be too.