Tentacle Ponies: The Quest for the Delicious Sandwich
The Quest for the Delicious Sandwich
"Defeating a sandwich only makes it tastier." -Vegeta
Slug Master Elite took a few hesitant steps up the stairs while looking around. He couldn't see anything nearby that would cause him trouble, so he continued up the steps until he came to an opening. It was a somewhat large stone door that lay open to reveal a long stone hallway only lit by the single torch positioned by the entrance. By the cobwebs hanging around, it was safe to assume no creature had ventured here in a long time, but that hardly deterred him as he moved forward.
He continued down the long and always winding corridors for what seemed like hours with no clear destination or sense of direction until he finally came upon a larger room carved out from a great cavern. The first thing he noticed upon entering was a small pedestal at the far end of the room. Naturally, he walked towards that.
It wasn't until he was close that he saw the glorious treasure that awaited him upon that pedestal. It wasn't gold or jewels, but it looked to him like a thousand angel tears cooked to perfection and marinated in liquified bacon. In reality it was a baloney sandwich, but it seemed to sparkle in some unseen light. He instinctually took several steps towards it, unable to tear his eyes away from the prize that lay before him. It was all his and nothing would ever take it away.
Then there was a crashing noise behind him. It was loud enough to shock him from the trance he seemed to be in and he wheeled around in fear. Emerging from a previously unseen door on the side of the room was a sandwitaur- half man half sandwich- and it looked pissed. It held its bulging arm out and pointed one overly-muscular finger at him. "You will not defile our most ancient of treasures on my watch, vile cretin!"
'Oh no he di'int,' he thought to himself in a stereotypical angry black woman voice. Who does this sanwitaur think he is calling the always sexy Slug Master Elite a cretin? Instead of showing his irritation, he let a cocky grin stretch across his face before spewing a response that will haunt the dreams of grammar nazis for countless hours to come. "All your sandwich are mine now!"
The sanditaur did not seem pleased with this response, and it pulled a pair of waffles off of its belt. Slug Master gulped, now seeing the waffles for the first time. This sandwitaur clearly meant business. "Then you will die!" It shouted while charging him with the breakfast food held out, ready to strike.
Slug Master may be cocky, but he's no fool. He'd seen enough friends fall to waffles to know what they do to exposed flesh. Naturally, his only option was to run, but he wasn't just going to leave such an amazing sandwich behind. He turned to grab it off the pedestal, but it was missing! His eyes shot open and he began searching frantically for it. "No no no! Where did it go?! It can't be gone!!! It can't be!!!!" He was panicking now. This was literally the worst thing that could possibly happen. He searched all around the immediate area, completely forgetting about the sandwitaur that wanted him dead.
That didn't matter now. Without that sandwich was life even worth living? The answer is: no. His heart sank as he finally admitted to himself that the sandwich was gone. Tears were now streaming from his huge pony eyes. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" He called out, raising his forelegs to the heavens.
Slug Master Elite suddenly jumped up out of bed and landed face first on the floor. His heart was beating heavily in his ears and he was breathing frantically. After a few moments he was finally able to calm down as memories of his dream became more distant. He pushed his face up off the carpeted floor and looked around the place to see that he was still in his home and gave a sigh of relief. "It was just a bad dream..." He said to himself while crawling back onto the recently slaughtered slug beast that he was currently using as a bed. He isn't called Slug Master Elite for nothing, after all. Not to mention his cutie mark is a slug with a sword through its head. Sleeping on the butchered carcass of a huge slug is better than sleeping on the floor at least..
He pulled the sheets back over himself and closed his eyes, but all thoughts of sleep quickly escaped him as his head started to hurt. No doubt from the amazing battle his face had with the floor a few minutes ago. He pushed the sheets off and rolled around a bit hoping to get comfortable, but it soon became clear that he wasn't going back to sleep.
Getting out of bed again, albeit slightly more gracefully this time, he looked over at the clock on his wall. Apparently it was 32 o'clock. Seeing as though they live entirely underground they don't use the day and night cycle to keep track of time. If it's not obvious by the title, our protagonist is none other than a tentacle pony.
What, you don't know what a tentacle pony is? I guess they are pretty underground. Well then, allow me to explain. They're like normal ponies, only better. Better because they have tentacles coming from their sides where a pegasi's wings would be. They live deep underground in caverns below the surface ponies, biding their time until they can eventually emerge and retake the surface world in their death god's name.
Slug Master Elite absently rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with a hoof as he fumbled for the light switch on the wall with a tentacle. Although years of living underground had given the tentacle ponies the ability to see in the dark, they still found light aesthetically pleasing so they partook in its awe-inspiring ROYGBIV'ness whenever they could. After a few moments, Slug Master's tentacle came into contact with the switch and flipped it up, casting light throughout his meager home. His house consisted of a living room that doubled as his bedroom, a kitchen that was only separated from the living room by a counter, and a small bathroom. Unfortunately, since slaughtering huge slugs isn't a real job, he lacked the funds necessary to acquire a less-suckish house.
He opened and closed his mouth a few times to try and get rid of the fowl taste that came from drooling in his sleep. Alas, that did little to help, so he ended up walking across the room to the small refrigerator to see what was inside. Opening it up revealed a motley assortment of mostly unedible 'food'. There were several eggs left out on the top tray that were tented a slight green color from being there for so long, half a stick of butter on a paper plate, and a half-carton of expired milk.
"I really need to go grocery shopping some time..." He muttered to himself as he pondered what looked appetizing. "I suppose the butter is probably still edible," he mused. Just then he remembered his dream. More specifically, he remembered the beautiful sandwich he beheld in said dream. He remembered the way the bread glistened in the torch light and the alluring smell the baloney emitted. Looking back at the half stick of butter he realized just how not-tasty it looked. All he could think about eating right now was a sandwich, unfortunately he didn't have the ingredients or know-how required to craft one.
Closing the fridge door he sighed as he thought of what he could possibly do next. He was interrupted from his deep and meaningful thoughts by a chirping sound coming from the other side of the room. Turning his head his eyes settled on a big, black cricket about the size of a small dog that was stirring on the pillow it used as a bed. No doubt it had been awoken from all the commotion.
"Heya Crunchy!" Said Slug Master in a cutesie voice. It took notice of its name being mentioned and turned towards Slug Master before crawling over to him. As it scampered, the tags on its collar jingled and he couldn't help but 'daw' at how cute the little thing was. He quickly rubbed a hoof across its head once it got close enough. "Awww, I hate you so much. Yes I do!" He said, knowing that it wasn't intelligent enough to understand his words. All that it recognized was the sounds, so he continued in his lovey-dovey voice. "The only reason I let you live is because you're so cute. I wish you were smart enough to recognize that you will eventually die and that you have done nothing with your life." (That's how I talk to my cats...)
He continued to pet its head with a hoof as he thought about what to do next. It wasn't hard to decide that he was hungry and that he clearly wanted a sandwich. The problem is, how does one acquire a sandwich? He had absolutely no ideas, prompting another sigh from him.
Deciding that it wasn't that important, he trotted back into the living room and flicked on his small TV, hoping to distract his mind with some mind-rotting televised entertainment. He clicked through a few channels before he stopped on a reality show about some surface ponies.
On the screen, several colorful mares were arguing about some unknown issue, each vying for the camera's attention like the massive whores that they are. Eventually, the two unicorns, one white with a glorious purple mane, and the other being several shades of purple and pink, started yelling at each other about something that wasn't at all important. Slug Master wasn't really paying that much attention.
Suddenly, the purple one yelled something about the other being 'a fat mule', and it was on like Donkey Kong. The white unicorn rushed forward and smacked her across the face with a hoof so fast, they had to show a slow-motion instant replay. She may have been fashionable, but clearly she wasn't one to be trifled with. Within a second all the other ponies had rushed in and grabbed the two bickering unicorns, holding them back from tearing each others' throats out.
After a moment, it switched to a private interview with ‘Rarity’, as the description at the bottom stated. “Bitch’ll think twice before calling me a mule again,” she said as she examined her ‘bitch-smacking-hoof’ for imperfections. “I’m not a mule.”
Next it showed the pissed looking purple unicorn, one miss 'Twilight Sparkle', with a black eye. “She won’t be so smug once I get the princess to banish her to the moon,” she stated with sadistic glee.
Switching that off, Slug Master sighed. Television had really gone downhill recently if that was the kind of shit they played. Who the hell would watch a show about a bunch of colorful surface pony mares being idiots all the time? He wasn't sure what to do now, but his stomach was sure to remind him just badly much he wanted a sandwich. The problem was, he didn't know the first thing about acquiring sandwiches...
Suddenly his eyes lit up as he came up with an idea. "I know," he said to himself. "I'll go visit my friend, Velocirapper. He'll know what to do!" Velocirapper is Slug Master's only friend and easily one of the most hip-hoppinist tentacle ponies in existence. He has enough #swag to fill a bag!
Without further adieu, Slug Master ran out the front door of his house intent on seeing his friend. Once outside, he was met by the slightly damp streets only illuminated by the few street lamps spread about. The air was thick and slightly chilly, same as it always was seeing as the city was built in a huge cavern deep underground. There weren't many other ponies out and about since this was a pretty bad neighborhood. You only walked around outside at this hour if you wanted to get shot.
Slug Master paid no mind to the fact that he could get jumped at any moment, though, as he was too busy thinking all about sandwiches as he walked down the sidewalk. Velocirapper only lived a few blocks away so it wasn't a very long trip.
"Psssst! Hey!" Said a gravely voice from a side alley. Against his better judgement, Slug Master stopped and turned his head towards the voice. "That's right, you." He was about to question who it was when a tentacle pony emerged from behind a dumpster. He had a scraggly mane and a long scar below his right eye. "You wanna buy a sandwich?"
Slug Master's eyes widened and a huge smile spread across his face. "Do I?!"
The other tentacle pony seemed confused. "Do you?"
"Do I?!" He repeated.
"Do you?" Asked the vendor pony once again.
Slug Master decided that he was being too vague with his response, so he reiterated with more detail. "Gee mister, that sounds swell!"
The other pony smiled back, though in a slightly creepy manner. "Then you should check out-" he was interrupted by a coughing fit that lasted a few seconds. "You should check out my wares." He opened his jacket up revealing dozens of pockets stuffed full of sandwiches. The only problem is; they were ice cream sandwiches! "Whatcha buyin'?"
Slug Master instantly lost his smile. "Ice cream sandwiches? More like 'belongs in the trash'! I'm outa here!" He stated before stomping off.
"Wait! I also sell candy!" But Slug Master Elite wasn't havin' any of that nonsense and ignored him as he walked away.
"Pshh... Ice cream sandwiches? I'd rather eat deep fried cat poop..." Slug Master grumbled to himself. A little known fact: cat poop actually tastes pretty good if it's prepared correctly. After a few more minutes of walking he got to the house that belonged to his friend. It was slightly bigger than his own home, but a lot trashier as hundreds of parties had ravaged it and the owner of the house didn't care enough to fix the damage. He walked up and pushed the broken screen door out of the way as he rung the doorbell.
From inside the house he could hear a loud banging like something had been knocked over, followed by silence. Slug Master was pretty confused as to what that was and was about to ring again when someone yelled out from inside. "Yo yo I'm comin'!" He stood there awkwardly for a little over a minute, and was starting to consider ringing the doorbell for a second time, when the door finally opened up revealing none other than Velocirapper. His hair was done up in a short mohawk and he was wearing sunglasses even though it was really dark outside(as always). His cutie mark was a velociraptor holding a microphone. "Oh, hey Slug. It's you! I thought it was the cops again. Come on in."
The two of them entered a small living room with a pair of couches that smelled like smoke. The room was dark aside from a single lamp in the corner and a small TV that was playing that very same reality show about six female surface ponies that were the elements of harmony or something. Dirty, stupid surface ponies, being colorful and stuff... Velocirapper only watches it for the plot. Thankfully the TV was muted, so our protagonists could have their conversation uninterrupted.
After settling down on one of the couches Velocirapper spoke up. "So, what brings you here? Don't you know it's like 32 'o clock?" Hardly a second passed before his brain came up with what he thought was a perfectly good reason 'why'. "You came by to hear my new rhymes didn't you?"
"Uhm... No." Slug Master tried to answer, but was ignored.
"Of course you did," Velocirapper stated before clearing his throat and spittin' some sick rhymes. "My balls are so big I use them as chairs! They get a lot of bruises when I walk down the stairs! Sometimes I wear them on my head like a hat. When they dangle behind me they get scratched by my cat!" He rapped about his balls as he is wont to do. "Sorry, that's all your getting for now. If I tell you all my lines they won't be new anymore and I'm waiting for the big annual rap-off to reveal them. I'll beat Diahrremix this year for sure!" The 'big annual rap-off' is a local event where all the 'best' local rappers show their 'skills'. Of course, Velocirapper's biggest nemesis, Diahrremix, wins every year. Slug Master finds rap stupid, but he goes because Velocirapper is his only friend.
"Yes." Said Slug Master awkwardly. "That was very good. But actually I came here for something else."
"Well why didn't you just say so?" He asked.
"I just did," pointed out Mr. Elite. "Anyway, I really want a sandwich. Know where I can get one?" He asked hopefully, getting straight to the metaphorical point instead of beating around any metaphorical bushes.
"That's all you want?" He laughed. "There's a guy down the street that sells ice cream sandwiches. How do you not know that?"
"I don't want ice cream sandwiches. I want a real sandwich!" Complained Slug Master who was getting frustrated by this point.
"A real sandwich huh? Well I think I know where you can get one."
Slug Master's face was suddenly dominated by a huge smile and all of his frustration seemed to vanish in an instant "Really? Where?!" He asked excitedly.
"I know a place that usually sells them, I think they stay open all 62 hours." The tentacle ponies use 62 hour cycles to keep track of time because there's no sun and... Well... Why the hell not?
"Well then, what are we waiting for?" Asked Slug Master excitedly. "Let's go!"
"Hold your tentacle horses! What's the hurry?"
Slug Master calmed down a bit and now felt slightly embarrassed that he had gotten so worked up over a simple sandwich. "Sorry, I got a little excited there. I just really want a sandwich," he admitted.
Velocirapper nodded in understanding. He knew what it was like to be excited about stuff. Believe it or not, but excitement is a normal human pony emotion. "Well alright, this place is a few miles away. If we wanna get there soon, we'd better get going," he explained as he hopped off the couch.
They left through the back door and hopped over the fence into a back alley. You know, just in case there were any police occifers staking out the front door. You can never be too careful about dem police occifers. The alley was pretty empty aside from a few trash cans and some cardboard boxes spread about. Thankfully it was devoid of any homeless ponies. Not that Slug Master was scared of them, he just felt awkward every time he walked past them. Always having to avert your gaze to act like you don't notice them there so you feel slightly less scummy for not putting money in their cups. Not to mention they stink. But I digress.
Slug Master was so focused on thinking about homeless ponies, that he accidently kicked one of the cardboard boxes sitting out. It flew a few feet away, revealing a litter of baby ruhcoons that were using the box as a home. Ruhcoons are much like raccoons, but they're about the size of mice. As you can imagine, they were fuffy-wuffy adorable, so Slug Master was completely justified when he squeed like a school filly.
"Awwww they're so cute!" He exclaimed excitedly as he observed the tiny little bundles of fur huddled together for warmth.
"Don't touch them or the mom one will eat them," replied Velocirapper who failed to understand why his friend liked animals so much. He found the little things annoying, especially since they were always scurrying around in his walls and ceiling when he tried to sleep.
"But they're so fluffy, and look at their little tails!" It was at that point that a huge, white moth swooped down and grabbed the ruhcoons with its appendages before flying off to its nest while letting out a victory screech. Slug Master stood there completely shocked for a few moments. Once he realized just what happened, a few tears started to form at the edge of his eyes, but he quickly sucked them back into his tear ducts and just sighed instead. "Okay.jpg" He said as he continued walking.
"Well I guess we don't have to worry about the mom ruhcoon eating them anymore," joked Velocirapper as he caught up.
"Too soon," replied a slightly disgruntled Slug Master.
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful and after about a forty minute walk they reached a small diner that had a few lights on inside.
"This is the place." Stated Velocirapper as they walked towards the entrance. Above the door was a neon sign saying 'DINERSAUR' in all capital letters. It was clearly the best diner pun that they(I) could come up with on a moments notice.
"They really have sandwiches here?" Asked Slug Master, who was slightly worried that they came all this way for nothing.
"They did last time I came here," answered Velocirapper as he looked over and noticed the crazed look in his friend's eyes. "Just play it cool. I'll handle the talking." He then entered through the front door as is customary in most societies.
'Play it cool, huh?' Thought Slug Master as he followed closely behind his friend. He'd seen enough movies to know how to 'play it cool'. As soon as he got inside he ran towards the front counter. "I WANT YOUR SANDWICHES OLD MAN AND I'M NOT TAKING 'NO' FOR AN ANSWER!"
The aged stallion behind the counter looked slightly shocked by the outburst, but quickly composed himself. After all, he got PATRONized by the patrons quite often (hehe, I'm so funny!). "No." He calmly stated.
Slug Master's eye twitched slightly after getting the response that he had made it abundantly clear he didn't want to receive. "What, do you have stupid in your ears or something?" He asked.
"Ummm, no." The other stallion replied again.
Slug Master had had enough this time. He grabbed the waiter by the back of the neck with his side tentacles and brought his head slightly closer to his own. "Say 'no' again! I dare you! I double dare you, mother fucker!" At this point he was promptly pulled away by Velocirapper.
"What the hell, man? I thought I was gonna do the talking."
"You said to 'play it cool'. What's cooler than being violent and intimidating?" Movies taught him well.
Velocirapper just rubbed his face with a tentacle in frustration. "The things I put up with..." He grumbled to himself before turning to the waiter who had a horrified look on his face. "Sorry sir, what's your name?" He asked in an attempt to calm down the frightened pony.
"Uhhh... My names Dinersaur. I own the place." Sure enough, his cutie mark was a T-rex rampaging through a diner, eating everybody.
"Alright, Dinersaur. My friend here really wants a sandwich."
"Ummmmm... We're all out."
"WHAT!" Yelled Slug Master who looked like he was about to smack a bitch. The waiter flinched and covered his head with his hoofs.
Thankfully, Velocirapper was there to be the calm one. "What do you mean, 'we're all out'?" He asked slowly.
"A few minutes before you guys came in, a big pumpkin burst in here and ate all my food before exiting. He didn't even pay for anything!"
(In case you don't get the reference...)
"A big pumpkin?" Asked Velocirapper who found that excuse highly unbelievable. Then again, he'd seen plenty of weird shit.
The waiter gulped. "Mmmhmm. I do have some butter left that you can have, though." He pulled a stick of butter up from under the counter and placed it in front of them.
Slug Master promptly smacked it away with a hoof. "NO! I don't want that!"
"Alright, where do you get your sandwiches from? We'll just go get one ourselves."
"What? I can't tell you that! It's a trade secret!"
Slug Master had had more than enough of the whole 'being calm' thing. It was time to take action. He grabbed the waiter by his neck with his tentacles and started strangling him. "Tell me where you get your sandwiches! TELL ME!" At this point the rest of the customers in the diner were watching with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. Of course no one did anything to help. After all, it's not like this kind of thing was unheard of... I mean, who hasn't strangled a waiter at one point or another?
The waiter gagged a little bit as he was throttled, but seemed adamant to keep his 'trade secret' a secret. Of course, his resolve died away with the air in his lungs and as his vision began fading out he finally gave in. "Okay." He croaked out. "I'll tell you, just put me down." He was unceremoniously dropped onto the tile floor where he panted for a few moments while rubbing his neck with a hoof.
"I'm listening."
He continued to rub the bruise that had formed around his neck for a while longer before responding in a slightly hoarse voice. "I buy my sandwiches from some food smugglers named 'Severus Grape' and 'Dumbledonut'. They're real shady guys, but they can get their hoofs on all kinds of food. I don't know where they get it from. They spend most of their time at some old warehouse on the other side of town."
"Thanks for the extremely vague directions." Said Velocirapper as sarcastically as he could manage.
"And you didn't hear this from me! All right! Now get out of my store!"
"Dang... More walking." Complained Slug Master Elite as they headed towards the front door, ready to depart for their next destination.
"And I'm calling the cops on you guys, by the way!" Shouted Dinersaur after them. That was enough to stop them both in their tracks. The last thing they needed right now was to get involved with the fuzz. There are no sandwiches in prison! They both swiveled their heads around and looked back at the waiter.
"What? Why?!" Asked Slug Master, who was genuinely confused.
"WHY?! You came in here, disturbed my customers, assaulted me, then interrogated me! Why do you think?!"
Slug Master just stared at him like he was stupid for a few moments. "You're seriously crying about that?"
"Yeah, really..." Agreed Velocirapper. "You're just making yourself sound childish right now..."
"My reasons for calling the cops are perfectly justifiable. You guys are the ones acting childish!" He countered.
"Shhh shhh. It's ok. Dry your tears, sir. We're all friends here, no need to get upset," coo'd Slug Master in a motherly tone.
This only served to piss the waiter off more. "I have plenty of reasons to be upset!" He shouted.
"Honestly, we've been nothing but polite to you since we've met. I feel as though you're venting your anger or frustration on us without reason. I thought we could communicate as adults, but clearly I was wrong."
"Yeah. Talk about #TrailOfTears," agreed Slug Master, combining his amazing knowledge of hash tags with a play on words about a horrible time in Cherokee history that implied that Dinersaur was crying a lot.
Their troll tactics didn't seem to work, however, as Dinersaur just glared at them. "I'm still calling the cops." He said in what, to them, was a butthurt tone, as he reached towards a phone that was hung up on the wall. Before he could reach it, though, a knife flew from across the room with perfect accuracy and pinned his arm to the wall. "GAAH!" He squeeled in pain.
Velocirapper and Slug Master were both slightly shocked by the new turn of events, and they turned to see a middle aged stallion with a gray cap walking towards them. Once he got close he pointed to the knife. "The enemy can't use a phone, if you disable his hoof."
(Thank internet god for youtube or no one would get any of my shitty references.)
"Well gee, thanks mister," said Slug Master.
"No problem son, I understand what it's like to really want a sandwich." After saying this he gazed up into space and seemed to be having some sort of flash back. The two of them waited awkwardly nearby for a few minutes but he just continued staring off, so they eventually left.
After a trip across town, they found themselves at some old abandoned warehouses. "Well, these are old warehouses across town. We must be in the right place," stated Velocirapper as he looked around for any sign of pony life.
They didn't have to look for long before a pony jumped out of seemingly nowhere with a knife held in one of his tentacles. "Where do you two think you're going?" He asked in a nasally voice. The offending pony had shoulder length hair that was parted in the front and a cutie mark of a bunch of grapes. It wasn't hard to guess who it was.
"You must be Severus Grape. We were looking for you," said Slug Master. He suddenly found a knife to his throat.
"More cops huh? Well then, I guess you'll just join your buddies at the bottom of a lake," he stated menacingly.
Seeing that his friend was about to get sliced in all the wrong places, Velocirapper spoke up. "Woah woah. We're not cops. In fact we hate cops. We're just here because we heard you could get us a certain kind of food."
Severus Grape looked between the two of them several times before pulling his knife away. "Yeah, I guess you two don't really look like cops. Besides, no police occifer would ever say they hated cops," he reasoned. "But if you're looking for food, you've come to the right place."
Suddenly another pony came out of the shadows. This one was older looking and had a long, scraggly hair and beard combo and a donut for a cutie mark. He was obviously Dumbledonut. "Well then, what do you need?" He asked in a tone that betrayed just how old he was.
"First off, who sent you? We don't take kindly to ponies giving out information on us."
"Oh just some diner owner named Dinersaur. He told us all about you," explained Slug Master with a naive smile.
"Did he now? Well then, we'll just have to visit him some time. But in the mean time, what was it exactly that you wanted?" Asked Severus Grape.
Slug Master beamed as he realized that he could finally get his hoofs(or tentacles) on a delicious sandwich. Their long quest was finally grinding to an end! "I want a sandwich!"
"A sandwich huh? That'll be difficult to get. Maybe impossible." Slug Master instantly lost his smile.
"WHAT! That guy said you could get us a sandwich!" He complained.
"We can. It's just not easy. You see, we usually raid the food trains heading to the palace." As he said this he motioned towards the huge palace in the middle of the city. A grand structure where the ruler of all tentacle ponies, queen Hentai, lived. It had massive towers that stretched up above even the tallest skyscrapers in the city. The tallest of which even touched the roof of the gargantuan cavern. "However, they've stepped up security recently."
Velocirapper decided to step into the conversation now as Slug Master didn't have the best 'people' skills. "We were under the impression you two were the best at what you do," he said in the hopes that it would hit them right in the ego. It seemed to have the desired affect as Severus Grape looked slightly offended.
"We ARE the best. We just said it would be difficult, we didn't say we couldn't do it!" Velocirapper decided not to bring up the fact that he had admitted that it might be impossible.
"Alright, then let's do it. If you two are really as good as you say you are, it shouldn't be a problem!"
--
After convincing the two food smugglers to help them, the group walked for several hours to the edge of the city. Their destination was an overpass that they said went over the railroad tracks. Once there, the two of them couldn't help but wonder what the plan was.
"So what exactly do we do now?" Asked Velocirapper who was starting to regret agreeing to help his friend find a sandwich.
"The rest is simple." Stated Dumbledonut. "The train comes by under us, we jump onto it, bypass any security, secure the food, then get the hell off of it before it reaches the palace."
Velocirapper couldn't help but stare at him like he was crazy for a few seconds. "That's it? That's the plan?"
"Yeah." He confirmed.
"Wait wait wait," started Slug Master as he easily saw a dozen things he didn't like about that plan. "Why do we need to come with anyway?"
Severus Grape answered this time. "We might need your help to bypass security. Oh yeah, here's this." He pulled out a crowbar and a tire iron from the secret compartment in his tail, and handed them to Slug Master and Velocirapper respectively.
"You want us to disable the security... With a crowbar?" Asked Slug Master.
"This whole plan sounds kind of... How do I put this politely? Not well-thought-out," stated Velocirapper.
"What do you mean? It's simple," questioned Severus Grape who seemed confused by their confusion.
"Alright, to start off, how do we jump onto-" His question was cut short by a deep whistling that announced the food train was getting close.
"No more time to chat! The train's almost here, get ready!" Severus Grape and Dumbledonut walked up and stood on the edge of the overpass as a small, four-car-long train was coming closer on the train tracks below. Slug Master and Velocirapper walked up and joined them, more than a little nervous about jumping onto a moving vehicle.
Unfortunately, they didn't have much time to reconsider their situation as the train was passing below them. "Jump!" Shouted Severus Grape as him and Dumbledonut grabbed onto the two of them with their tentacles and jumped off towards the vehicle below. Velocirapper could have sworn that time slowed down as they fell, even though he had his eyes shut tight the whole time. Perhaps just because that makes for a better story.
Despite how dramatic the jump seemed, the group landed perfectly fine on the second car to the back. Velocirapper wanted to question how they had landed so well, but Severus Grape beat him to the punch. "Told you we're the best," he bragged in a smug voice. There was no arguing the point as the group headed to the back-most cart and jumped down onto a balcony extending from the train's rear. Thankfully it had a guard rail, or this story would probably have a messy and anticlimactic ending.
"Alright, now we need you two to disable the security so that we can secure the food!" Said Severus Grape.
"Wait, what?" The two questioned at the same time, but Dumbledonut had already pulled the train's door wide open and was pushing them inside with his tentacles. Once they were inside, he slammed the door shut to prevent any escape.
Velocirapper was about to turn and try to get back out, when he noticed something tall standing on two legs on the other side of the cabin. He instantly recognized it as some type of android as not very many other things had a shiny metal hide like that. Its left arm ended in some kind of claw, but what caught his eye was the right arm. It ended in what he could only presume was a machine gun with a drum barrel.
The android's posture straightened out as the camera on its head that acted as its eye focused on them. Before he could even think to react, Slug Master rushed forward wielding his crowbar in one tentacle which he promptly smashed down into the 'face' of the robot. Gordon Freeman would be proud. Its 'eye' shattered under the impact and it staggered back a step to regain balance, but Slug Master wasn't finished yet.
He let out a battle cry as he continued bashing furiously at the android's head while avoiding random swipes from its clawed left hand. Eventually, the metal plating on its face was completely caved in from the constant blows, and it unceremoniously slumped to the floor.
"Securities disabled!" He called out. Almost immediately the back door opened up and in came the two food smugglers.
"Alright, time to do the hard part." Said Severus Grape as the pair brushed past Slug Master and entered the next room.
--
Osama bin Ladle was having a pleasant day. Working aboard the food train was always interesting. Especially for him, the head chef. Of course, that's partially because he's the only chef on the train. There is nothing like creating food while simultaneously traveling fast. He'd always wanted to be a chef, so naturally when he was asked to fill this position he had instantly agreed. It was quite an honor, making exotic food for the queen herself. They did have a kitchen in the castle that cooked most of the time, but the queen demanded only the best and most exotic of food, so they often imported food via trains from other cities.
The problem with this is, she would want the food right when the train arrived, but if they made it before the train left and shipped it there it wouldn't be fresh. They easily fixed this problem by simply making food trains. They would cook the food moments before they arrived at the castle, then queen Hentai would be happy, and by extension, everybody would be happy.
Osama bin Ladle hummed to himself as he started crafting his latest masterpiece. The queen was in the mood for a sandwich and he was happy to deliver the best darn sandwich he could make. You might think 'hey, it's just a sandwich, how hard can it be to make one?'. The answer, is 'very hard'. It takes a level of precision and finesse beyond that of most mortals to properly create a sandwich.
Sure you can just slop a bunch of ingredients together and call it a sandwich, but in the end, it's not a true sandwich unless it's made with the love and skill only found in master chefs(not master chiefs). Anything less is hardly worthy of being fed to pigs, let alone royalty.
But Osama bin Ladle isn't like most mortals. He studied in the harshest, most difficult culinary classes known to ponies and passed them all with flying colors. Not literally, colors don't have mass because they're wavelengths of light, so they can't fly in the usual sense. What I'm trying to say here, is he's really good, maybe even the best.
After selecting only the finest ingredients money can buy, he laid them out on the counter and inspected them each for imperfections. Of course, the exact ingredients are top secret so you'll just have to use your imagination.
After literally minutes of grueling work, Osama bin Ladle was finished. He poured his heart and soul into that sandwich and it paid off. Before him laid a culinary masterpiece fit for a god, or in this case, a queen. It radiated in its own light and a chorus of angels was born for the soul purpose of singing the background music to its greatness.
Mr. Ladle smiled to himself and looked to a picture of his wife and two children that he kept on the shelf above the counter. He always loved to be reminded of his family when he was away on business, they truly brought joy to his heart. He couldn't wait to get home and hold his little daughter in his forelegs. And the way his son looked to him with admiration when he would tell of how he made great foods for the queen made his heart swell with pride.
His thought of home were interrupted as he heard some very loud banging coming from the next car over. "What is that android up to in there?" He questioned to himself. He was happy with the newly increased security, but sometimes those robots were more annoying than they were worth. The banging continued for a short time before being accompanied by some very ferocious yelling and Osama bin Ladle couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on.
He was soon answered as the door slid open and two ponies ran in at him. "What?!" He called out in confusion before receiving a knife to the head from Severus Grape. The two ponies quickly bagged every food item of value on the train, including the recently finished sandwich, before motioning to the rest of their group with a hoof.
"Come on! We gotta exit before we reach the castle!"
Dumbledonut pushed open a side door and pointed at it. "We gotta jump!"
Velocirapper once again found himself questioning whether or not this was a good idea. I mean, when has jumping off a moving vehicle ever been smart? Unfortunately, he couldn't voice his concerns as him and Slug Master were soon grabbed and pulled out the door.
--
It had been slightly less comfortable walking back to the abandoned warehouses where the group agreed they would distribute the loot at. This was mainly because they were covered in bruises from the rather hasty train exit. Velocirapper decided right then and there that he would never jump onto or off of another moving train ever again.
Slug Master was excited to see if they had gotten a sandwich, but Dumbledonut assured him multiple times that it would be best not to look at the food items before they reached their destination. Who knows who could be watching them even now?
As soon as they got back to the relative safety of the warehouses, Slug Master immediately started hopping up and down in excitement. "Can we open the bags now? Huh huh?" He was even more excited then he was on christmas morning. This is partially because ponies(including the tentacle variety) don't celebrate christmas.
"Calm your still un-dropped balls," replied Severus Grape who was getting frustrated with the other pony's behavior. "I'll open the bags."
Then the two of them opened up the bags, depositing countless delicious food stuffs that many a pony would kill to get their hoofs on onto an old wooden crate. Sure enough, there was a sandwich among the loot, and it was even more beautiful than Slug Master could have possibly imagined. It smelled of happiness and radiated the very essence of love from its perfectly cut crust. Slug Master salivated while examining the sandwich that could only be referred to as 'art', but it was quickly pulled away by Severus Grape.
Severus' eyes widened as he gazed onto its holy form. "Can it be? This is quite possibly the most exquisite food item I have ever seen." He was tempted to break into song right then and there about it, but he had too much dignity to do so.
Slug Master, on the other hand, didn't.
"What do I see? This magnificent piece of aaaart!" He sang out.
"Can it be? The sandwich that calls to my heeeart?"
"It's so beautiful! Perfect in every waaaay!"
"I kiss boys on the lips, but that doesn't mean that I'm gaaaaaaaaay!" He finished before realizing what he just said and blushing. "Ugh, ignore that last part."
The group looked at him in confusion for a few seconds before deciding that none of them really cared and moved on with the story. "Indeed." Severus Grape couldn't help but agree with Slug Master's song. "It is a fine sandwich. Too fine to be left in the hoofs of a simpleton such as you!"
Slug Master recoiled in shock. "What! That sandwich is mine and I will not be denied!"
Severus Grape scowled at him. "Ha! Do you really think I'm going to simply hand something like this over? I'll be able to sell a sandwich this grand for millions of moneys!"
"Stop, don't do this," pleaded Dumbledonut. "We food smugglers have a sacred code, remember? You swore an oath! We can not go back on our word, no matter how delicious the food looks! You can't start now!"
"Forget the oath! We've lived confined by its words for far too long! It's time we food smugglers are gifted the glory we so deserve," snarled Severus Grape. "Can't you see this is no ordinary food? I will not let this go to waste!"
"Then it has come to this..." Dumbledonut sighed. "I won't let you go through with this. If you see fit to deny the code, I see no other alternative that to stop your heretical ways myself! Have at ye!" He lunged at Severus Grape, but in his old age he had grown weak and slow. Severus Grape easily dodge back and slashed out with his knife in the blink of an eye.
Just like that it was all over, the old stallion's throat was rended and he fell to the floor as the life quite literally poured out of him. Severus Grape stood over his bleeding form and chuckled to himself.
Velocirapper stood there, looking at the display with a slack-jawed expression. Once again, it was Slug Master who reacted. His need for that sandwich spurred him into action. Like he said, he would not be denied. He lunged forward with inhuman speed(likely because he's a pony, and not a human) still clutching his crowbar in one tentacle and swung downward with all his might towards Severus Grape's head.
Severus Grape was quick, though, and he pulled back slightly at the last second causing the crowbar to narrowly miss and instead leave a sizable crack in the concrete floor. Slug Master wasn't done, however. He instantly swung upwards and to the side, one again missing Severus by millimeters. He continued this for several more swings until he finally scored a hit to the side of Mr. Grape's face. He couldn't dodge forever, after all.
In Slug Master's fury, he swung his crowbar with enough might to easily crack the other pony's skull. It all happened so quickly, but now two ponies were dead.
"Avarda Cadavra, bitch," spat Slug Master at the body before turning away and approaching the magnificent sandwich on the table. It was all his now. After all this time, he finally had his sandwich.
He couldn't think of a single point in his life where he had been this happy. His eyes welled up with barely restrained tears as he approached what was likely the most beautiful thing ever crafted by mortals anywhere. A heavenly light shone forth from the heavens allowing him to view every detail of the sandwich. It was perfection in sandwich form.
He carefully picked it up as though afraid he would somehow damage it before slowly moving it to his mouth.
He took a bite...
Slug Master Elite sat still for a few seconds as he tasted his prize for the first time. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Not a tear of happiness, but of disappointment. It had mayonnaise on it... He doesn't even like mayo...
