By the Pricking of My Thumb, Something Wicked This Way Comes
“Mephistopheline, I love you.”
“Meow.”
“But if you can’t even eat one corpse, what is the point?”
“Meow meow.”
I get up and I pat my skirt to get the dust off. Pat, pat, pat. Then I point at my cat. “Cathulhu says it tastes good!”
“Meow. Mrrrp.”
Mephistopheline and I both look at Cathulhu. He is chewing quite happily, he’s eating even the bones. The thing about Cathulhu is that he is a bit special; he’s lean and striped and not from here. He comes from the East.
“Miau.”
So he has an accent.
“See?” I poke Mephistopheline. “I told you, I need the body to be gone, so be a good cat and eat your share. Cathulhu is almost done with the legs.”
“Meow!”
“Miau.”
“You killed me!”
There is something weird in that third voice, in that it does not sound like a cat at all.
I am in my house, which is wooden, and ancient, and wonderful. It sits on top of a hill by the forest. The doors are all painted black and the walls are all grey. There’s always fire in the fireplace when I’m here, but it is green and doesn’t warm the room. There is a bubbling cauldron in my kitchen, and I have seventeen different brooms, each one a little more aerodynamic than the last.
I am pretty and lovely and my name is Chrysalis. I am a witch.
Somebody is yelling at me in my very own house, and I am fairly sure it is not one of my cats, because I know my cats, and that is not how they meow. So I ask:
“Who’s there?”
And a man appears in front of me, out of nowhere. His name is Flash Sentry, and I know this because just two hours ago we loved each other. He doesn’t look lovely now, though. He just looks angry. “You,” he says.
“Me?” I look down. Indeed. Me. “Well. I suppose that is a correct answer, but I meant to ask who else is here.”
“Miau.”
“Aside from you, Cathulhu.”
“Mrrrp.”
“Shut up, Mephistopheline. You’re on thin ice. I love you so much.” I look at Flash Sentry, and I show him a cute sexy smile, with just a little bit of fang showing. “Hi! I suppose you are that other person in here. How are you doing. What is up.”
“How could you do this to me?” Flash is both angry and sad, so he looks like he wants to cry a lot. “I thought we had something special. And you murdered me!”
That is true, yes. So I say: “That is true, yes.”
“Why?!”
“It’s what I do! I’m a witch. I prey on males.” I wink at him. “Rawr.”
“I loved you!”
“You did! And that is so sad.” I look behind Flash Sentry to take a peek at my cats. “So how come you can talk to me when my cats are eating you? Well, one of them is. Mephistopheline, does your tummy ache or something?”
“Meow.”
“I see. I’ll ask Fluttershy for help later!” That is good news, actually. I hate Mephistopheline being in pain, but I love talking to Fluttershy. She is as lovely as me. Then I look at Flash. “Are you a witch, too? Is that why you can talk to me?”
“I am not! I—your cats are eating me?!”
“Yes!” I nod. “You say you wanted it this morning.”
“No, I said I wanted to eat some—” He blinks, frowns, shows his teeth at me. “Shut up! I am not here for pillow talk!”
“Me neither!”
“I’m here for revenge!”
And he throws a punch at me.
Nothing much happens. I don’t even try to dodge, because I know better—but then his fist just goes through my head and it feels cold. Then Flash trips and his entire upper body goes through mine before he can catch his balance, and I gasp and cover my mouth. “Whoa! Chilly!”
“What the f—”
“You’re a ghost! That explains so much.” I clap my hands twice. Clap clap. “I am super bad with this kind of magic.” Behind me, Flash starts crying and screaming and trying to kick me, but I just look at my cats. “Cathulhu! Mephistopheline! You know what this means?”
“Mew.”
“Miau.”
“Indeed! This looks like a job for Twilight Sparkle!”
“You killed Flash Sentry?!” Sunset Shimmer screams, her right hand grasping at her chest like a claw. Her face is pale and overall she doesn’t look very pleased. “YOU KILLED FLASH SENTRY?!”
Flash Sentry is crying behind me. “She did!”
“I did!” I say, and I show Sunset a cute sexy smile with a little bit of fang. “Also, hi, Fluttershy!” I up the sexy a bit towards her. “Mephistopheline says his tummy hurts, can you come later and help me? I want him to eat Flash Sentry’s corpse.” Then I look at Sunset again. “Also I’m making my cats eat Flash Sentry’s corpse.”
“WHAT?!”
“Uh.” Fluttershy’s eyes are wide as she looks at me. “W-what?”
“It’s true!” Flash Sentry whines. “Oh, sweet mercy! It’s all true! ”
“Yeah! Mephistopheline’s tummy hurts a lot. It is very sad.” I nod, because it is very sad indeed.
I have come to Sweet Apple Acres because I phoned Fluttershy, and she told me they were here. And they are! Most of them, at least. Rainbow Dash and Applejack, playing baseball, and Sunset and Twilight and Fluttershy, watching them play. Only now they aren’t, because they’re all looking at me like Sunset.
Except Fluttershy, who looks much better, but she always looks much better. Good old Fluttershy.
“But—but, what? What?” Twilight Sparkle approaches me with little steps. “Isn’t—Flash? I can see you here. You aren’t dead.” Pause. She squints. “…Are you?”
“I am!” Flash Sentry takes a step towards Twilight, and reaches to her—and his hand goes through hers. “See?!”
“Oh. Oh.” Twilight stops reaching for Flash, and takes a little step back. “Oh no.”
“YOU KILLED FLASH SENTRY?!” Sunset yells again.
“I did! I am a witch.” I point at my pointy hat. “See? My name is Chrysalis! I don’t know if Fluttershy ever told you about me.”
Rainbow Dash immediately hits my face with the baseball bat, breaking my skull.
There is a crunch that is not super pleasant and then blood comes out of my nose and mouth, and a little bit from my eyes and some little bit more from my ears, because Rainbow Dash is stronger than she thinks she is. I fall backwards and Dash staggers a little before taking a step back. Then there’s a plof and I hit the ground.
They all get very quiet.
“Uh. Okay.” Dash is looking at my corpse quite wide-eyed, and then she looks at the baseball bat—all bloody—and then at Applejack. “I was not expecting that.”
There’s another plof because Fluttershy just fainted.
Applejack looks like she’s not going to faint, though. She just looks very serious. “Dash,” she says. “Rainbow Dash.”
“No, for real, I was not expecting—”
“Did you just kill a person. In my house.”
“This was super not my plan!”
“You hit an innocent girl in the face with a baseball bat”
Flash Sentry blinks. “Wait. Innocent? She stabbed me through the neck with a—”
“I thought she was gonna dodge!” Dash says. “They always dodge the full swing!”
“Oh, I never do that,” I say, standing right next to Rainbow Dash and appreciating my own dead body. It is quite pretty and lovely, even with a crunched face. “It is just kind of silly.”
“ARGH!”
“OH MY GOSH!”
“WHAT THE F—”
I see everybody jumping—even Flash Sentry!—once they notice me. So I smile and I explain everything. “You didn’t hit me! I’m a witch.” I point at my hat again. “You can’t hit a witch! That was just my cat. See?”
They all look at my corpse, only it is not my corpse. It’s Mephistopheline’s. Poor kitty’s all mangled up, because cats are allergic to baseball bats.
“I hope Fluttershy helps me with this, too,” I say. Then I look at Twilight Sparkle, because she is the most normal one. “Do you think she will?”
Rainbow Dash immediately hits my face with the baseball bat, breaking my skull. Again.
“RAINBOW DASH.”
“I GOT STARTLED!”
“CAN YOU PLEASE STOP KILLIN’ INNOCENT PEOPLE.”
“I GOT VERY STARTLED.”
“WHY DO YOU KEEP REFERRING TO HER AS ‘INNOCENT’ WHEN SHE HAS ASSASSINATED ME IN COLD BLOOD.”
“Hmm. Please do not be startled anymore?” I say, politely, standing next to Dash again. “It is quite unpleasant for my cats.”
Everybody gets very quiet. They look at me, and I give them a thumbs up. By my side sits Mephistopheline.
“Mew.”
He looks okay.
So then they all look at my corpse, only it is not my corpse, because now it is Cathulhu’s.
“I told you!” I say. “You can’t hit a witch. Can you help me with the ghost now?”
Plof, goes Twilight Sparkle. Rainbow Dash raises the bat a third time, showing her teeth—
But Sunset grabs her before she can swing it. “Wait,” she says. She sounds very quiet now, and she’s glaring at me. “That isn’t gonna work, and she seems—friendly.”
“SHE’S HAVING HER PETS EAT MY CORPSE.”
“Relatively friendly.” Sunset takes a deep breath. “We’ll fix you somehow, Flash, don’t worry. But first, we need to—you’re a witch, you said?”
I don’t answer. I just point at my hat. Again.
“Right.” Sunset massages the space between her eyes. “Okay. Okay. We can work this out. I’m sure we can fix everything in a civil manner, with barely any more murder. You’re willing to collaborate?”
I give them a cute sexy smile, with a little bit of fang.
“Sure am!” I say.
“Okay, so let me get this straight.” Rainbow Dash is still carrying the baseball bat, and it is still pretty bloody. “Hitting her in the face? Bad. Right?”
Applejack is frowning at her. “Gotta love how you have to ask.”
“But.” Dash raises a finger in the air. “Burning her at the stake? Totally fine.”
Applejack nods. “Yes.”
“Yeah!” I say, yelling at them from the stake. They have tied me to it rather tightly, but at least they let me keep my hat. “Because I’m a witch! It’s traditional!”
Applejack looks at me, tips her stetson, and she looks back at Dash. “Straight from the horse’s mouth, sugarcube. Any more questions?”
“Yeah—are you aware your moral compass is kind of all over the place?”
“No clue what you’re talkin’ about.”
“I don’t know,” Flash Sentry says. He’s sitting by their side, on the only chair around, looking miserable. “I think she has a point. Do you think I’ll get to have a funeral?”
Applejack arches an eyebrow at him. “Dunno. Do you need one?”
Flash Sentry hides his face behind his hands.
We’re still in Sweet Apple Acres, but it’s a little bit later, and the sun is setting. Applejack’s family hasn’t burned witches in a very long time, but they kept the stake behind the barn because it is apparently really good for roasting pigs. So now I’m tied here, and Pinkie Pie is throwing gasoline at the pile of wood chipping and logs by my feet, and my cats are having fun roaming the farm.
“Hi!” Pinkie Pie says when I look at her. “I’m Pinkie Pie. Are you the murderer?”
“Hi! I am!”
“Hahah. Yikes.”
“My name is Chrysalis. I am also a witch!”
“Oooh.” Pinkie nods. “That explains the hat!”
“Right?”
I like Pinkie Pie almost as much as Fluttershy, because she gets it. Which makes me think of Fluttershy, so I ask: “Is Fluttershy okay?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie says. She’s done with the one container of gasoline, so she grabs a second one, and keeps pouring. “Kind of. She’s still unconscious! But she gets knocked out so often we’re not really concerned. For her this is an afternoon nap.”
“I like that! Can I see her?”
“Hmmm.” Pinkie Pie stops pouring gasoline to rub her chin. “I don’t know. I think we’re supposed to burn you, and also you are a terrible monster who killed Flash Sentry. Right?”
“I am!”
“Then I think you can’t see Fluttershy.”
“Oh.” I frown. I don’t like that. “Bummer.”
“I knooooow.” Pinkie stops, and looks at me. “I need to douse you now! Do you mind?”
“I don’t! Douse away.” I stay very still as Pinkie pours gasoline on me. It smells funny. “Do you think you can help me get rid of Flash Sentry? I don’t like being haunted.”
“Is that what he’s doing?” Pinkie Pie looks at Flash Sentry. He’s still talking to Dash and Applejack, only now he looks like he’s crying rather than holding a conversation. “He doesn’t look very haunty.”
“Well, it is the principle of the thing. I kinda want him to go away, but I am very bad at exorcisms.” I look at Pinkie Pie. “I think Twilight Sparkle might be better at that kind of magic, don’t you think?”
“Oh, she probably is! Twilight is super smart.” Pinkie goes back to dousing me. “I don’t know if we’ve ever tried to deal with ghosts, though. Then again, we’ve never dealt with witches either, so this is all being very new to us!” Then she throws away the second container. “Okay! That’s that. Girls!” She looks at me and gives me a thumbs up. “Be right back!”
“Okay! Have fun!”
“I will!” Then she jumps off the stake. “Giiirls! I’m done! We can burn her now! Also hi, Flash!”
“Hi, Pinkie Pie.”
“Is it true that you’re dead?”
“It is, Pinkie Pie.”
“Hahah. Yikes.”
“Well then.” Applejack uncrosses her arms and looks at me—and the stake—with a frown that’s so big I can see it even under the hat. “Ah suppose that means we can get started. Ah don’t think we need to call Sunset and the rest for this, you reckon?”
“Nah, they said we can start without them,” Dash says, waving a hand. She looks at Flash. “You wanna do the honors?”
Flash looks at her. “Huh?”
“Carry the torch, lit her on fire?”
“I… I can’t touch anything. I can’t carry a torch.”
“What?” Dash takes a step back, and looks at Flash. “Then how are you sitting on that chair? Or how do you walk on the ground?”
There’s a pause.
“…I have no idea.”
“Hahah. Yikes.” Pinkie Pie bunny-bounces on the spot a couple times, and then says: “I’ll go get the torch, I’ll go get the torch! But don’t start without me!”
She runs away, and Flash Sentry looks at Applejack, who is still staring at me with that frown. “Say,” he says. “Little question: why aren’t you alerting the authorities?”
“Sunset looked into it.” Applejack points at me with her thumb. “This is what you’re supposed to do with witches.”
“Right, but—my corpse is in her house.”
“Big shame, that, yeah.”
“Come on, don’t be a pansy.” Dash rolls her eyes as she kicks a pebble out of the way. “Sunset and Twilight said that they are working on that, right? Just trust them, I’m sure they can solve it.”
“But I’m already dead!”
“Didn’t I literally just ask you to stop being a pansy?”
“Girls!” Pinkie Pie returns, carrying a lit torch in her hands. “I’m here! You didn’t burn her without me, did you?”
Flash blinks. “How are we going to burn her without the—”
“No, we haven’t, Pinkie,” Dash says, stepping forward so she can help her friend carry the torch. “You mind if I do the honors? Might as well kill her for a third time.”
Pinkie shakes her head. “I don’t mind!”
Applejack shrugs. “Ah don’t really care. Just get on with it.” She looks at me. “She gives me the creeps.”
I smile at her. “I can hear you!” I say.
“Ah know.”
“Just making sure!”
Rainbow Dash throws the torch at the pyre, and soon enough, the flames are licking my feet.
But being a witch is not just about having a cat and a broom. It’s not even about the pointy hat you wear. Being a witch is about the little things, like the bubbly cauldron in your kitchen, or the green fire in your fireplace, that brings a lot of light to the room, but doesn’t really warm anything. Being a witch is being used to burning alive.
So the flames lick my feet, but they don’t hurt me. Because they’re also green, and they are cold, and I am standing right next to Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Pinkie Pie and Flash Sentry.
“They’re pretty, aren’t they?” I ask, and they all flinch but only Flash screams this time. “I hope Mephistopheline is having fun in there. I love him so much.”
“Miau.”
“Oh, don’t be silly. You know I love you too.”
Flash Sentry is crying again. He hasn’t gotten up from his chair, and the light from the green flames makes him look a little bit sick, which I guess is fair because he is dead. Everybody else is just looking at me, kind of like normal.
Pinkie Pie is the first one to talk. “I have to ask!” she says. “Why not Mewphistopheles?”
I smile at her. “That is a good question! Can I see Fluttershy now?”
I open the door that leads to Applejack’s room. It’s an odd place; it is old and wonderful, but the walls are painted brown instead of grey, and the door is not black. It reminds me of my house, only not really, but I like it anyway.
Applejack is not the one sitting on the bed, though, and that’s why I smile a lot. “Fluttershy!” I say, tip-toeing, showing her a cute sexy smile with a little bit of fang. “Your friends finally gave up. How are you doing! What is up.”
Fluttershy looks at me with eyes that say a lot of things but mostly that she is confused. “Chrysalis,” she says.
I look at myself. Indeed. I am up. “Ah-hah,” I say. “You are clever.”
“Chrysalis.” Fluttershy swallows, and inches away from me when I sit down next to her. “What… What is going on?”
“We are talking! It is very quite pleasant.” I snap my fingers, because I just remembered something. “Ah! Can you help me with Mephistopheline? He says his tummy hurts, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
“I…” I can see that Fluttershy is struggling, so I just let her talk. That’s what friends do. “I didn’t… mean that. I meant what is going on with, with Flash?”
“Oh!” I smile at her. A cute, sexy smile. My fangs are peeking out. “You mean that. I killed him!”
“…Why?”
“Because I’m a witch!” And I point at my hat, although I don’t mind doing it to Fluttershy. “And that is what we do!”
“You kill people?”
“Kind of!”
“Oh.” Fluttershy looks down, and then fiddles with her hands some. She used to do this a lot back when we first met, the first time she helped me with my cats. It’s been a while since I saw her do that. I don’t mind it a lot, I like everything Fluttershy does. “I—I have this friend. Her name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“I know!”
“No, not that one. It’s a different friend.”
I cock my head to the side. “And she’s also named Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes.”
“That sounds easy to remember!”
“It, uh. It is?” Fluttershy squints. “Kind of? Mostly it is confusing. Neither wants to be called ‘other-Twilight’ because they think it’s offensive, so we just try not to get them in the same room and—um.” She looks at me again, and cringes a little, and then she coughs to clear her throat before talking again. “I’ve told her about you, and about Flash Sentry, and, and she says she knows you. Only, not this you.” She frowns. “Another version of you, from… From another world.”
“Oooh.” I nod a lot. “I understand what you’re saying!” I say. “I’ve been in other worlds, too.”
“You… you have?”
“Yeah! On my broom. I went East, once.” I look up, remembering. The thought gives me a smile. “It is a weird place. They drive on the other side of the road. Their clocks go counter-clockwise.” I reach for my lap and pet Cathulhu. “It’s where I met this fine gentleman. Right?”
“Miau.”
“Oh, you are such a tease.”
Fluttershy’s eyes go wide. Cathulhu wasn’t there before, but now he is, and that seems to have startled her a bit. “How did you…?”
“It is easy! You just do it when nobody’s looking.” I wink at Fluttershy, and I hope that she may blush a little—but she does not. That is a shame, and to cheer myself up, I keep petting Cathulhu. Pet, pet, pet. “And use a little bit of magic,” I add, waving my hand. “But, just a little.”
“Right.” Fluttershy sighs. “Twilight—other Twilight—told me that the other you is… She’s not a good person. Pony.” She makes a weird face. “Uh, thing? She’s not good.”
“Ooh. That sounds bad.”
“Well. Yes. By, uh, by definition, that sounds bad.” Fluttershy nods. “Twilight says the other you feeds on love, and she’s a… bug? But…” Fluttershy looks at me, head to toe, and her eyes stop in Cathulhu a little more than needed, because Cathulhu is a really cute cat, and I am sure Fluttershy loves him as much as I do. “But you’re not like her. You’re not like her at all.”
“Mmm.” I scratch Cathulhu’s chin, and he purrs. “Worlds are strange. Not everything is the same in every world! In the East, I was hurt by fire, and I could not speak to men.” I smile at Fluttershy. “Everything goes the other way around. But here? Here, I am myself.”
“But you’re not a bug.”
“But I am a witch!” I say. I like Fluttershy, so I keep explaining. “I don’t feed on love, but I feed on males after mating.”
“O-oh. Like—like a mantis?”
“Yeah! Kinda.”
“So you’re a bug?”
“Yeah! Kinda.”
That makes Fluttershy cringe a little bit. She looks at me with something like expectation. “So that means that you and Flash…?”
“Yeah!” Then I show her, again, my smile. Cute and sexy, fangs showing a little. And I add: “Kinda.”
“Um. Yikes.”
“I know!”
“But your personality doesn’t—that other Chrysalis doesn’t have. Um.” Fluttershy points at Cathulhu. “Cats?”
“Oh, that is not nice. I love my cats.” I look at Cathulhu. “Isn’t that right?”
“Miau.”
“Meow. Mrrp.”
“Shut up, you.”
Fluttershy stares again. Mephistopheline is sitting on her lap, now. She doesn’t seem really sure about herself, but eventually—she gives up, and starts petting him. Mephistopheline purrs in appreciation, and Fluttershy’s shoulders visibly relax.
Thinking that this is my moment, I inch closer to Fluttershy! But she inches away. Another shame, so I pet Cathulhu again. Pet, pet, pet. Now I’m happy again. “Worlds are very different,” I say. “Maybe that other me has a different character because she does not have cats. Maybe I do because I do! We may never know. I am me, and I am the way the world shaped me to be. And I have a pointy hat!”
Fluttershy shallows, and looks down. “I thought you were good.”
The way she says it feels like a whisper, so when I reply, I whisper, too. “I am queen of my own kingdom,” I say. “I rule, and males obey. I fly on a broom, and I cast green flames, and I feed after mating. It is what I do. I do not care for good.”
“I do. And, um. You kind of killed Flash Sentry.”
“I did! I was hungry.”
“That is not a good thing to do.”
I scrunch my face until it looks all weird. “Bleh,” I say, sticking out my tongue. “That doesn’t matter. He’s okay now!”
“But he’s dead!”
“He’s still okay! And haunting me.” Cathulhu wants to jump off my lap and wonder around a bit, so I just let him go. He’s a great cat. “We should work on that.” Then I see that Fluttershy is still looking troubled, so I make a really big effort, and ask: “Does it annoy you?”
She looks at me, surprised. “What?”
“That I feed after mating?”
“On humans? Uh.” Fluttershy’s hands stop petting Mephistopheline, and he is clearly offended by such a thing. So, he jumps off her lap, too, and joins Cathulhu in his aimless journey under the bed. “I mean. Yeah. A, uh, a little bit.”
“Oh.” I look down. Then, I look up. “Then I won’t do it again.”
This make Fluttershy tense up again, and she looks at me, not as much with surprise as with fear, now. “You… won’t?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
“Because I like you!”
“But—why?”
I frown. That is a silly question. “You helped me with my cats,” I say. “I like people who like my cats. You talked to them. You smell nice and you are not a male, so you don’t want to mate with me.” I inch closer. She doesn’t move away this time. “I am a witch, and I prey on males. But I am also Chrysalis,” I say. “And you feel like a butterfly. So I like you a lot.”
Fluttershy doesn’t reply at first. She seems to be thinking really hard about what I just said, which makes no sense, because it is very simple. She doesn’t move away, however, and I like that. I like that a lot.
Then she looks at me. “Chrysalis?” she says. “You are… not a human. Right?”
“No!” I say, smiling. I point at my pointy hat. “I am a witch.”
“Oh. I… I guess that explains why you are so fond of me.”
“It does?”
“Yeah.” Fluttershy looks down, and fiddles with her hands again, but she is slightly relaxed now. “I guess I always get along fine with animals.”
“Well.” Twilight Sparkle closes the book that she’s been reading and looks at me. I don’t mind; I’m just sitting right next to Fluttershy, enjoying her smell. “I guess it makes some sense. Equestria’s Chrysalis is biologically closer to a bug, so she had an entire hive and acted like an evil queen. But it’s not like a human-ish girl can give birth to a couple thousand foot soldiers to rule over. So.” She points at me. “I guess, she just got cats instead? And that’s what we ended up with?”
We’re all sitting outside, behind Applejack’s barn, next to the stake where they tried to burn me alive. It is nighttime now, and both my cats are asleep at my feet. I am sitting in a bench that Applejack brought from her shed because I wanted to be closer to Fluttershy, and the rest are either standing or sitting.
Rarity is here too, now. I wave at her. She doesn’t wave back.
Sunset Shimmer is standing in front of me with her arms crossed on top of her chest, and Flash Sentry is hiding behind her. “This is what we ended up with,” she repeats. “A witch?”
“Well, she is supposed to be the apex predator of men,” Twilight says, shrugging. “Like, some kind of master seductress, according to Princess Twilight. In Equestria that means she’s a shapeshifter, but this one…” She points at me. “Ask her, not me.”
Sunset arches an eyebrow. “Really? A quirky witch with a poofy skirt and a pointy hat? That’s what a master seductress looks like?”
They all get really quiet, because I am looking at Flash Sentry, and they notice. So they all look at Flash Sentry now.
And Flash Sentry blushes, and looks down. “…I thought it was charming,” he mutters.
“Yikes.”
Everybody says that at the same time. Even me. Although I’m only doing it to join in the fun.
“Um. If I may, girls?” Rarity is resting her cheek on her hand, and she looks at me oddly. “Far from my intentions to point out the obvious, but—she murdered Flash Sentry, you all said?”
“Yes.”
“I have been dead for like, at least twenty-four hours. I think literally nobody cares.” Flash glances at Sunset. “Except maybe…?”
“Don’t get your hopes up, you’re my ex. I was just doing it on principle.”
“Oh.” He looks down. “Okay.”
“Right. Terribly tragic, that.” Rarity waves a hand. “But—has the thought of bringing Chrysalis to the pertinent authorities even remotely crossed your minds? At all?”
“We actually did that,” Sunset says, looking at Rarity. “Right after trying to burn her at the stake.”
“You tried to burn her at the stake.”
“Yes.” Sunset nods. “It didn’t work. So we called the police.”
“Right.” Rarity frowns. “You called the police. After trying to burn her alive.”
“Yes, that’s what I said. Did I stutter or…?”
“No, no, just—just wanted to check.” Rarity sighs, and looks at me. “So. If the police knows she’s a murderer… Why isn’t she at the police station, right now?”
“Oh, they brought her there!” Twilight says. “It’s just, when they got her out of the car, they realized they had only arrested her cat.”
Rarity blinks. “What?”
“Yeah, we don’t get it either. So we just gave up and let her see Fluttershy. Seemed like the only rational thing to do.” Twilight points at me. I’m still sitting happily beside Fluttershy, who just looks down at my cats and pets them without waking them up. “And hey, she’s under control now, so. All’s well that ends well. Right, Chrysalis?”
I nod at Twilight. “Yes! I will not mate and feed anymore.”
“Good, good.”
Rarity frowns. “You will not feed?”
“I will not! Fluttershy said she didn’t like me doing that.”
“Right, but—if you don’t feed, won’t you starve to death eventually?”
“Rares.” Applejack talks now, tipping her hat up so she can give Rarity a good look. “You’re a nice gal, but you do realize you’re kinda actively pushin’ her towards murderin some more, right.”
“Well, yes, but—”
“Like, you’re aware you’re doin’ it.”
“I just think it’s fair to take into consideration—”
“Rares. Ah love you, but shut up.”
And Rarity closes her mouth, and pouts a little. “Hmph,” she says. “You win this time.”
“Atta girl. So.” Applejack sweeps some dust off her shoulder. “That’s that. One problem taken care of.” Then she points at Flash. “What do we do with him?”
“I would like a proper burial,” Flash says, looking up again, hope in his eyes. “At least. Please?”
“There’s no need! My cats will eat it.” I look at Cathulhu and Mephistopheline, who are both still asleep. “Right, you guys?”
They don’t answer. They’re asleep.
So I just look at Applejack. “They will eat it. No need for a funeral. I would like to stop being haunted, though!”
“Yeah.” Flash looks down again. “So would I.”
“So if you could exorcise his ghost? Twilight Sparkle?” I look at Twilight, and I give her a cute sexy smile, with a little bit of fang. “Please?”
“Right. See, that’s the thing.” Twilight opens her book again and pages through it, seemingly at random. “That’s another thing I talked about with Princess Twilight, and—we’re both pretty sure ghosts just… don’t exist?”
We all go quiet. We all look at Flash.
Flash frowns. “What?”
“Yeah,” Twilight says. “Ghosts don’t exist. Don’t get me wrong—we all believe you got murdered, Chrysalis said so herself. But you’re not a ghost.” Again she looks at her book. “Sure, you can’t touch us, but you can touch other things. You can sit down, and you can walk on the ground, and…” She reaches for something in her pocket, and throws it to the ground. It’s a little chew toy for dogs. “Try kicking this, please?”
Flash doesn’t say anything. He just gets up, and kicks the chew toy.
The chew toy tumbles away after getting hit.
“Huh.” Flash looks at it, and kicks it again. He can do it just fine. So he reaches down to grab it—and his hand goes right through it. “Huh.”
“Yeah, whatever that is, it’s not you being a ghost,” Twilight says. “First, because ghosts don’t exist, and second, because if they did they wouldn’t work like that. So.” She looks at me. “Do you have any idea what is going on, or…?”
“Me?” I shake my head. “Not at all! I just killed him like normal, and then I asked my cats to get rid of the body, and—”
“Miau.”
That makes me stop talking. I look down, and I see that Cathulhu is looking at me, wide awake.
“Miau. Rrromrrom.”
And I gasp, and I cover my mouth with a hand. “Oh, broomsticks,” I say.
We’re in my wonderful house on the hill. Its walls are still grey, and its doors are still black, and the fire in the fireplace is green and cold. Flash Sentry’s corpse is in the ground, and Cathulhu is still eating it. He’s almost at the hips by now.
“Wow,” Dash says, poking the corpse with her baseball bat. “Not even the bones are left. This cat is thorough.”
“Dash,” AJ says. “Do you really need to carry that thing around.”
“Yes.”
“You silly cat, you!” I am laughing and petting Cathulhu a lot, even though he is still eating, because I just love him so much. “You and your little Eastern tricks! You should have told me!”
Rarity is looking at everything, grabbing Fluttershy’s arm. I notice, but I don’t mind. We can share Fluttershy if she wants, there’s more than enough for everybody. “I must admit,” Rarity says. “I have no idea what’s going on.”
“Um.” Fluttershy frowns. “I think the cat is bringing Flash Sentry back to life?”
“What.”
“Silly Cathulhu!” I repeat. Then I look at Fluttershy. “I told them to get rid of the corpse, and he thought that mean turning it into not a corpse! That is why Mephistopheline’s tummy hurt!” I point at the Flash on the ground. “Whatever this is, it is not safe for him to eat anymore! And poor Cathulhu only had time to eat the legs.”
Rarity is left speechless, so it’s Sunset the one who talks now. “The… the cat?”
“Yes!” I say.
“The cat is doing this.”
“Yes!”
“Why is the cat doing this?”
“He’s from the East,” Fluttershy says. When everybody looks at her, she shakes her head. “I don’t know what that means either. But, um, Chrysalis said that everything works the other way in that place. So instead of destroying the body when you eat it…”
“…You restore it?” Twilight is looking at Cathulhu. “That’s—that’s odd. To say the least.”
“Well. To be fair.” Fluttershy shrugs. “Chrysalis is a witch.”
“So I’m—I’m not dead?” Flash says. He’s looking at his corpse, and looks like he wants to cry. Again. “I’m going to get out of this alive?”
“Naaah. You are dead, silly!” Pinkie Pie says, giving him a huge grin. “You’re just going to get better!”
“Indeed!” I say. Then I get up, and grab Fluttershy’s other arm. This makes Rarity let her go, so now I have Fluttershy all for myself. “And that is that! Thank you very much!”
“You, uh.” Twilight stops looking at the corpse for a second, and looks at me. “You’re welcome. I guess. You promise you won’t eat any more humans after this?”
I look at Fluttershy.
“No,” Fluttershy says.
I nod, and look at Twilight. “I won’t!”
“Good girl.” Fluttershy pats my pointy hat, and I smile a lot. “There, there.”
“Okay. Then, yeah.” Twilight looks at her friends. “That’s that.”
“Right. Gotta say.” Applejack scratches the back of her neck. “Bit of an odd day.”
“I died,” Flash says.
“And I kinda killed a girl three times? Only not really.” Dash sucks air through her teeth, and looks at her baseball bat. “I got attached to this thing, though! It makes you feel powerful, kinda.”
“Sugarcube, please don’t go down that road.”
“But, well.” Rarity is looking at me, crossing her arms in front of her chest, and making a small pout again. “I suppose we all… learned a lesson today?”
Twilight looks at her. “Wanna share it with the class? Because I don’t see it.”
“We are all terrible at naming our pets.”
Author's Note
Yah this is just me having fun and writing every single thing I find cool or funny. Case you didn't pick that up.
Written in 4 hours just because it's Halloween and I wanted to rest a bit from the meatier projects. Have fun trick-o-treating!
