I am a pony. A pegasus pony, to be exact; I live in a house of clouds floating around a town called Ponyville. Three triangles appear on my flank, but I’m no hero in this world.
Not unless heroes deliver mail a day late.
That’s my job. Once it reaches my hooves, I have no difficulty getting it all to its intended recipients within the hour.
The thing is, they don’t actually give it to me until after Derpy Hooves, the town mailmare, fails to deliver it. Until it’s a day late.
I’m a good flier. I spend much of my leisure time cruising at high altitude, basking in the sunlight. Or moonlight, as the case may be; it’s just as fun to fly at night.
I wasn’t always a pegasus. No; this is just one of many lives I’ve had and, if I am to be honest with myself, probably the most relaxed one. I certainly feel more relaxed than I ever did in Hyrule.
I used to be a Hylian. That’s what I was for each and every one of my past lives. Only now, of course, I have left Hyrule behind. I rather hope I have left it for good.
The trip was interesting, to say the least. In most lives, Ganon attacked the Kingdom of Hyrule- or its remains, sometimes- and I fought him off, slaying the unstoppable wizard with nary but a sword. With an amazing track record, honestly; I don’t think I’ve ever been truly defeated.
In all the other timelines, some other foe has graced the tip of my sword. They lack the experience of one like Ganondorf, though, so that’s all they ever touched: The tip of my sword.
Or claw.
Or arrow.
Or… Whatever other odd munition the gods decided to send my way. I’ve pummelled my enemies from afar with seeds from a slingshot, or with nuts by spitting at them. I’ve thrown rocks at my enemy, or turned into a rock and punched them. I’ve used regular bombs, I’ve used underwater bombs. I’ve even used bombs that walk on walls, or stuck them on the end of an arrow.
I once even used a chicken to defeat my enemy, simply by carrying it over my head.
I’ve talked to fish, I’ve talked to boats. I’ve mind-controlled trees, Rito, and seagulls. I’ve remote-controlled statues to punch spiders. I’ve collected swimming musical notes for a water dragon in a tree. I’ve talked to lazy trees- even walked into one’s mouth to eliminate a parasite. I’ve fought an ancient robot and a kraken on an invisible ship intended to protect a flame. I’ve used magic by pointing my sword at the sun.
I’ve even used magic by playing music. I know a song that can heal any injury, and another one that can turn the night to day. I’ve even played a song to make it rain, waved a stick around to teleport- or change the direction of the wind. Played a dangerous minecart game to bypass a locked door.
Gathered as many cheap swords as I could find and slaughtered Ganon with them. That was an interesting timeline.
Basically, if you can name it, I’ve done it.
Well… Except turn into a pegasus and deliver the mail on time. That’s gonna be the day.
Except quite a lot of things, to be honest- but that’s probably why I haven’t skewered myself with the Blade of Evil’s Bane… or turned to evil and been rejected by the same. I was tempted, honestly- but thankfully, I managed to solve the problem.
Oh, I remember the day. Zelda was so surprised when, right in the middle of the ‘first conversation’ with her…
Oh, yes. That was a day to remember. I seem to be the only one to actually remember our past lives, and the timeline had technically just begun. According to that timeline, I only had the flimsy little Kokiri Sword and a fragile wooden shield. She was peeking through a window at Ganon, who was bowing to the forever nameless King of Hyrule.
Well, truth be told, he’s not really nameless. Every once in a while, he has a name and self-identifies with it; such as when he turned into a boat. The only problem is, it tends to be different each time. On the times when I’ve asked after it, he had no name, just a title.
But anyways. I had fairly quickly figured out how to keep my equipment between my lives; it’s fairly simple: I never put it down, even after I won. As such, even the equipment I lost the first time or two I’ve since replaced with far more useful versions- or identical versions.
At the time, I had something like a million Master Swords floating around in my pouch someplace. This timeline, of course, seemed to be yet another of the ones with the Ocarina of Time and all the problems thereof. I had already killed off the parasite inside the Great Deku Tree, watched the tree die, and received the pearl… Not in that order, of course.
Zelda motioned for me to come closer, looking at the window- and in her moment of inattention, I decided to have a little fun this time around. It took me but a moment to slip on the golden bracelets I found in that volcano each of those times Hyrule was flooded over- then my yell warned her to duck as a giant, spiked steel ball raced past her, crashing through the window to land in front of Ganon. The ball and chain, of which I had at least fifty, from those times with Midna. Pulling it back- through the wall, rather than the window- had been just as easy, and earned more than a few stares as I stuffed it back into my pouch- despite its being larger than me.
Zelda blinked a few times, while Ganon stepped into the gap, staring at me.
I drew two of my Master Swords- the useless ones from other Ocarina-involving loops, that is- and started “sharpening” the one with the other. It is rather nice that ALL the Master Swords are permanently sharp… Or dull, depending. These loops could really do with a sharper Master Sword.
“I was wondering,” I stated. “What would happen if we chose to work together?”
So now, here we are. We managed to teleport out of that entire universe- and Zelda was impressed by the veritable wall of Mirror Shields I produced to deflect the Gods’ attack, intended to stop us from escaping.
We did it- and in the process, we were turned into ponies… and my pouches disappeared. Oh well; perhaps I’ll amass a new set of equipment in this world.
Zelda and Ganon have both wandered off someplace; I’m not sure what they’re up to, but they’re basically doing their own thing. No biggie; perhaps I’ll get called up by Princess Celestia’s daughter to come save Equestria from some evil Queen of the Changlings that’s trying to usurp her throne?
Nah. This universe seems too peaceful for that kind of disaster- but I’m keeping my ears open anyways. And by that, I mean perked sharply upwards, angled slightly outwards, and moving in whatever manner I judge will serve my latest joke best. To be honest, I’m not all that good at them, so I get it wrong more often than not.
It’s a pleasant change, getting it wrong. I’ve lived each of the other timelines so many times I can- and actually have, in one case- covered one eye, turned my back, and slaughtered my enemy anyways.
Then there was that time I did all of the quests normally… but always walking backwards. I had a lot of odd looks pointed my way that time around.
But that’s enough of that. Ever since we reached Equestria, I was able to regain a regular sleep habit once again. I usually began each adventure, back in Hyrule, asleep; after all, I would often go weeks without sleep- and one must prepare for something like that.
At least the loops with Skyloft weren’t so bad. There was always a bed I could borrow- always in the sky, though, never on the ground. I’d often go days without sleep, but at least I could catch up on it regularly- and, interestingly enough, not have to worry about Zelda getting caught or Demise breaking free in the meantime. I even pushed the limits of that, once. Down on the surface, the ground shakes whenever Demise is just about to appear. That one time, I did what no one expected me to- rather than heading down into the pit to watch him break out just as I get there, I found my way back to Skyloft and napped for a few days. When I got back, the ground was still shaking, the seal still secure.
Until I walked down to the bottom of the pit… then used the Song of Time to jump back to the top of the pit and watch the emergence from there. Playing Skyward Sniper from the temple entrance- I always used the same sword with those loops, so it grew stronger and stronger as the flames stacked up- had been fun, though brief. The thing died too fast.
… Much like the final battle with Demise in that iteration- my sword was so sharp he died to a single blow. Right, I did end up using two swords in those loops; that’s when I left that one in my pocket and got the second, leveling it up. If I remember right, I’ve got them both to exactly the same level. But again, I’m getting ahead of myself. Ever since we reached Equestria, I’ve been able to maintain a normal sleep cycle.
This means I go to bed at night, and I get up in the morning. I usually beat Celestia’s sun up- not literally, though I probably could if I had my ocarina, or perhaps that harp I got in those Skyloft loops. Again, I always used the same one; Zelda never gave me another when I already had one.
But, just like I lost my pouch on the way here, I also lost my harp.
I am shaken out of my reverie by a sudden banging on my door. It sounds like Derpy- but it’s too late to be yesterday’s mail. Besides, we already took care of that this morning.
I drop my makeshift wooden sword back onto my cloud table, letting my carving tools land next to it, and trot towards the door. Yes, I’m making a wooden sword; I don’t have the bits to buy a blacksmithy, and I figured I might as well make sure I have at least one weapon I know how to use. Never know when Celestia’s daughter might call.
… Nevermind that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a daughter.
But that’s irrelevant. I trot over to the door, pulling it open with the tip of one wing- yes, it’s Derpy. “Something break?” I ask.
Just like she does every morning, she spills mail all over my doorstep. I expanded the front porch after the first few times, though, so nothing is in any danger of falling off. “I think there’s something in it for you,” she states.
I raise my eyebrow, and run my hoof over the pile… and, very quickly, I have it all neatly sorted. I may have lost my pouch, but I haven’t lost the odd abilities that came with it- and while I’m not wearing my saddlebags right now either, I still have that odd ability to instantly know exactly what something is just by touching it.
Of course, I only know it’s odd because people have told me that. Zelda, mostly. Then ponies told me that, but by then, I already knew. Pair that with lightning-fast reflexes honed through many years of repeated battles, and it takes me only a couple of seconds to sort a pile of mail and know exactly what’s in it. Don’t ask me how it works; the librarian, Twilight Sparkle, caught fire when I explained it. Then she declared it ‘worthy of the pinkie sense’ and has avoided the topic ever since.
Speaking of the pinkie sense, I’ve talked to the mare in question, Pinkie Pie. She didn’t seem to understand it either, saying that maybe Twilight could.
I had snorted at that, told her about Twilight’s reaction. So she’d told me about her Pinkie Sense… and it makes sense. It’s just- No, wait, if Twilight caught fire, any lesser mortal will either have no clue what I’m talking about or suffer from a nervous implosion. I can’t describe it to anyone. Except Pinkie… but even she doesn’t seem to get quite all of it.
But alas, that’s irrelevant. Again. I do that a lot.
Nothing in the pile is addressed to me. I shake my head. “Nope,” I state.
Derpy tilts her head. “Huh…? Oh, right.” She goes for the other bag she has- the one of express mail, that hangs around her neck. She usually ends up hoofing it off to me to perform the delivery- also a day late. She hoofs it to me now. “Musta been in here.”
I accept the bag, pull it open with the tips of my wings, and take only a furtive glance at the contents. “Yep. Funny how specific the address is, isn’t it?” I reach a hoof in, drawing out the identified letter.
She’s still amazed that I can do that.
There it is- my full address.
Link, The other cloud mansion, Ponyville, Equestria.
Or, what most ponies think is my full address. It’s actually got some numbers and character codes in it, and the numbers change regularly as my house drifts relative to Ponyville. As such, many a pony that uses the exact address of either of our homes- that is, mine or Rainbow’s- has had their mail go to the wrong house. Not a hard fix.
“Ahh, yes, um,” Derpy mutters, stuffing all the standard mail back into her sack in haphazard order. “What is it?”
I raise an eyebrow. Honestly, this is the first letter I’ve received in almost a whole year. I fumble with my hooves, ripping it open the traditional way. It was so much easier when I could open my mail by lopping off the top of the mailbox with the Master Sword.
… Mind, that was also when I already knew what it said. And when the said mailbox would put itself back together the moment I walked into the other room. Seriously, what was up with that world…?
But nevermind. Right now, I’m opening this letter.
Author's Note
Disclaimer: Do not try this at home.
... Or, go ahead, but don't expect to actually defeat the ingame monster.