Smart Villain shorts! EP1
"Oh shit!" Smart Villain yelled as he hit the ground at 200 kmph. Rather then being damaged, he simply got up and took off the power armor, tossing it into his Hammerspace Storage Portal. Looking around, he was in- "What the fuck? Is this a German Sex Dungeon? Good thing I'm wearing my chastity belt." He heard a whip crack. Turning around, he saw Sombra whipping a pony who was in heavy bondage gear. What did it look like? Wel- "Yeah, no. We both no how repulsed you are by that shit." True to that. Have a cookie. A cookie appeared in Smart's hand. He began to munch on it, taking out a Forest Goose (Desert Eagle) .50 Cal pistol, and walking up to Sombr, who looked at him with disgust.
"Kneel, creature!" He told him.
"No." Smart responded, spitting crumbs everywhere. He raised the gun, shooting Sombra in the face with a satisfying 'CANG!!!'. Sombra was dead. How? The bullet was made of divine metal he got from killing a few angels. He kicked Sombra's corpse as it turned to ash. He Tossed the weapon back into Hammerspace, and took off the pony's bindings.
"T-thank you!" The pony cried. The pony was green with a green mane and eyes, which were faceted. The pony wrapped itself around his leg. Shrugging, he took off Sombra's cape, bundling it up into a ball and tossing it into Hammerspace. He began to walk normally despite the pony latched onto him. How? Mods. Don't ask. He walked out of the basement, and into the throne room. He sat upon the throne, and all the dark crystal instantly shattered. Suddenly, a bunch of ponies busted through the door, lead by a pissy pink alicorn.
"Yo." Smart stated, before a magic bolt slammed into his personal shield. He pulled out his Forest Goose, shooting the floor just in front of her feet. She jumped back. "One. Don't do that. Two, why are you here?" The pink alicorn got into an aggressive stance.
"It's over Sombra!" Smart tossed Sombra's corpse at her, and it landed at her hooves. She looked horrified.
"True. So, I'm guessing you want the throne? Lol bye." He tossed a portrait of his own family onto a random nail in the wal- "Oh shit that's a hydra dildo...Wait...holy shit! It's a real Hydra dick!" Everybody vomited except Smart. "Eh, seen worse."
Twilight, pale as hell, looked at him in absolute horror.
"W-what?" This was rhetorical, but Smart gaven't a shit.
"Oh yeah, I've seen worse. Like-"
"-There was cum everywhere! It took 7 weeks to clean the shit, and the literal shit. Also, nobody could, or would, touch the 'toys' due to how many juices there were on them, also, they were very slippery. And long. At least 7 fee-" Smart was rambling for an hour now, absentmindedly staring at the sky with a 'cool' look.
"WE GET IT!!!!" Twilight yelled.
"'Kay bye." Smart villain left, completely unconcerned with the PTSD they would have after that. Why? Because he had seen worse. "Like-"
"Wait...in that like I see 'Explicit'.....Eh, who gives a shit. Except suburban moms of course." He glanced at his watch, lifting his sunglasses with a surprised look on his face. "Oh shit! Barely over halfway through and without a lasting villain!!" He took off his red vest, throwing it into Hammerspace with the sunglasses. He jumped into the Flux Capacitor...wait, is it called that?
*On Google*
Search: [Name of car from Back To The Future]
Results: [Delorean Time Machine]
*Back to Fimfiction*
He jumped into the Delorean Time Machine, going a minute back in time.
*1 minute earlier*
Twilight burst into the throne room with Cadence leading them. She saw a bipedal creature sitting on the throne, but before they could say something, a car came out of nowhere trailing lines of ~~cocaine~~ fire. The same bipedal creature was in the car, and it opened it before shooting the one on the throne once. When the bullet ricocheted of an unseen shield. He shot 5 more times, the last shot breaking through and killing him. He shot a grappling hook at the corpse, dragging the into the car. "Tell Celestia she has a fat ass, and Luna's figure is hotter then quality clop." The car disappeared, and an old man who was suddenly beside them said 'Great Scott!' in total surprise. Before the ponies could react, the car returned the bipedal shooting the old man in the face, grappling him into the car, and taking off again, but not without saying something. "Oh! I'm the Smart Villain."
*1 minute-ish later*
The bipedal jumped out the car, wearing the red ranger armor. He struck a pose, the car and tons of other shit, including a red & black alicorn OC to explode. Looking around, he ripped off the armor, tossing it into Hammerspace. "Oh shit wrong movie." A black horn landed in front of him, and he looked at the readers. "You're welcome servers." He tossed the horn into hammer space.....
Chrysalis was hiding a bush, spying on the creature. If she could kidnap him, 'HIS LOVE WOULD MAKE ME INVINCIBLE- She died. Shot in the face. She her about-to-start internal monologue was going to be so long as so something the readers would just scroll over- "Like 7 metaphorical fucking paragraphs-long description of rooms, Kkat." His face turned to horror, and he jumped in the Delorean Time Machine, going to the future. He came back. "Now, I'm not telling what I saw. But, neither me or the author has ever read Fallout: Equestria..." Back to the....Nope, not saying that. He did it again, with the same face of horror, coming back and looking neutral. "Same thing. I'm not telling of what I saw." He began to walk, ponies frozen in utter confusion so high got said 'Wut?'. "Now, you see, my 'Superpower' is Foresight. Example?" He shot a pony in the face, its' head exploding. "Nothing bad will happen, he was an escaped criminal about to kill....her." He pointed at a pony who was having an 'ERROR 402: BRAIGHN KNAUGHT FOUGHNND'. "So there you go." He saw another red & black alicorn. "Yo, what's your name?"
"Why sir, it is: Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenberger-
dorffvoralternwarengewissenhaftschaferswessenschafewaren-
wohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifendurch-
ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvoran-
dieerscheinenwanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauch-
lichtalsseinursprungvonkraftgestartseinlangefahrthinzwischen-
sternartigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelchegehabtbewohn-
barplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonver-
standigmenschlichkeitkonntefortplanzenundsicherfreuenan-
lebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitnichteinfurchtvorangreifenvon-
andererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischensternartigraum-" He was shot in the face, dead.
"Yeah, fuck that. I'd like to go to sleep tonight in silence, not over you saying your name." He looked at the readers. "You're welcome, Servers." A pony imploded in confusion, followed by more and more ponies as they were getting confused as to how they were, exactly imploding. "Confusion. That's why they're imploding." The implosion chain stopped. "The answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42." It resumed. Smart looked at the readers, before beginning a trip to Canterlot. "Hi. I'm Smart Villain, and this is Jackass."
Author's Note
I'd rather be on top, but any smex is good if it's consensual and not an anti-fetish of mine. Always ask for consent!
*+40 EXP from lesson learning!*
So, there will be more, regardless of how much you downvote or shit-talk me. Also, time to be your slightly older sister at age about 5! Downvote=Upvote and Upvote=Upvote.
Sayonara, bitches!
Play Dwarf Fortress.
Link to download here: http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/
Not sponsored by Bay 12 Games, though that would be fucking awesome. Goodbye.