HI ANON, I STOLE THE FEATURE BOX
Author's Note
Worthless Horse
“HI ANON!” Cadance gleefully cheers.
“Oh god, please not again,” you groan.
You know what’s shit? Being the fucking royal ‘experiment.’ Normally you get to spend time with Twilight, and she’s pretty cool. But when Twilight has to go do something cool, that means you have to get sent to your second guardian’s place, like you have divorced parents. Except, you don’t have divorced parents. You’re the only human in a world of technicolor ponies.
“I GOT ALL YOUR FAVORITE CANDY, ANON. I PUT THEM IN YOUR CLOTHES AS A SURPRISE AND THEN I WASHED ALL YOUR CLOTHES.”
“Cadance, please stop.”
And just like divorced parents, she’s doing her all to make you like her more.
“BUT WE GET TO HANG OUT AND DO AWESOME THINGS LIKE DO A PILLOW-FORTNITE AND DAB. DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!”
“Please stop shouting, Cadance. You aren’t cool. Your tail is small. Go find Shining.”
The pink alicorn seems to be jumping around you as you try to drag your roller bag of essentials into the Crystal Empire Castle. If you didn’t know better, you’d say this garbage horse was Pinkie Pie. Still garbage, but less garbage. At least she can cook.
“But Anon. Anon. Anon!”
“WHAT?!”
Cadance leaps in front of you holding a blue present in her magical grasp.
“I got you blue.”
You blink, glaring at the over enthusiastic princess.
“He doesn’t want blue,” she says sadly. “How about yellow.”
“You need to stop.”
“Blue and yellow?” she asks happily. “No.”
“Okay, Cadance. Let’s get one thing straight.”
The pink alicorn sits in front of you, like a dog excitedly waiting for a treat.
“I. Do not like you. You will not get me to like you. You are a trash princess. You are worst horse. The only way I could like you, is if you completely change all of who you are as a pony.”
Cadance nods slowly.
“So, you’re saying there’s still a chance.”
You groan, and walk past her. “I’m going to my room. Don’t bring me any more boxes and don’t come in unless it’s important.”
Cadance puts a hoof to her chin.
“No more boxes unless it’s important… I see. Then I must get to work.”
Cadance delves into her secret library, tossing aside bullshit books that do dumb things like changing your identity or create love potions. Instead, she began delving for a book. A book of boxes. A special box.
There it is.
She fishes the book out of the drawer and opens it wide.
“Featurius’s Box. Said to contain all of the evils of ponykind.”
This is it. This is how she could redeem her status of not the worst princess.
“It’s time to get wrecked, Flurry. Now you’ll be worst princess.”
Cadance grabs a nearby bag, leaps out the window, unfurls her wings and takes flight.
The alicorn touches down in Saddle Arabia. Hundreds of ponies dig deep into the sand, sweeping in debris and revealing deep underground structures. Cadance locates a pony wearing a large pink cloth across their face.
“We’ve found the secret chamber,” the masked pony informs Cadance.
“Show me,” Cadance responds. The alicorn follows the pony down into a deep sequence of tunnels.
“Be sure to stay out of the light,” she tells Cadance.
The alicorn takes a small pebble with her light blue aura, and tosses it into the light. Almost immediately, dozens of tiny darts shoot from the walls and lodge themselves in the stone.
“I see,” Cadance says. She moves past the beams of light that try to hinder her path through the heiroglyphed walls.
She follows the pony into a small door, completely hidden from the light. Cadance’s horn glew brightly, revealing a long tunnel, with a small box at the very end of it.
Cadance stepped forward, determined in her path.
“Wait!” the other pony said. They tore the cloth from their head, lit it aflame, and threw it on the ground. Hundreds of tiny scorpions swarm the fiery bandanna, extinguishing it quickly. “Let me.”
The pony leaps from side-wall to side-wall of the small tunnel. Her moves are quick, sleek, and delicate. Like a ballerina-ninja-parkour expert. Finally she steps down from the wall and stands directly in front of the box.
“There,” the pony says. “Now. Throw me the payment.”
Cadance smiled mischievously.
“Lesson One: Always ask for payment up front.”
Her horn glowed a brilliant light blue, envelops the box in front of her, and levitates across the hall.
“PRINCESS! YOU HAVE BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY.”
“Until next time, Doctor Pones.”
As Cadance left, she pulled a cloth over her face as the stone corridor slowly sealed behind her and was locked tight.
You’re laying in your bedroom, hand in your pants because your balls are warm. Not, like, because you’re playing with yourself or anything. It just feels nice. Like, you’ve got a little extra support. Is what a bra is like? This is great. You kind of wish you could be a girl.
Suddenly, three loud knocks slam on your bedroom door. The doors burst open as Cadance bursts into your room, smelling like rotting bugs and hot garbage.
“HI, ANON! I STOLE THE FEATURE BOX. OPEN IT,” Cadance screams.
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM IM PLAYING MINECRAFT, REEEEEEEE,” you yell back.
“NO YOU’RE PLAYING WITH YOUR BALLS,” she corrects you.
“GO AWAY I HATE YOU.”
You leap from your bed, pick her up by the face and punt her the fuck out of your room. You close the doors, but to your dismay the lock on the door is smashed to shit.
“Ugh. Well. I guess this got a lot shittier.”
Cadance looks down at the box in her hooves. A priceless sacred relic lost to time, stolen in an attempt to win favor of some random asshole.
“All of the evils of ponykind, huh?” Cadance says. “I suppose it’s better here than where somepony else could find it.
She pauses, then looks both ways down the hall.
“Well, It certainly wouldn’t hurt to sneak a peek… Nopony will know.”
Cadance takes a feature box and presses the two buttons on either side of the chest. The lid pops open. From the inside of the box comes a bright, golden glow. Cadance’s eyes grow wide.
“Flurry! There you are! I wondered where I left you.”
