Referential Humor Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
As Celestia's bright warm sun cheerfully shone down on the peaceful hamlet of Ponyville, so too did a bright warm smile cheerfully shine forth from the face of Ponyville's most eccentric resident.
Pinkie Pie, of course. While most ponies that strolled the quiet streets of the town wore a smile these days--an occurence mainly due to Pinkie's influence--Pinkie herself wore the godfather of all smiles. The judge, jury, and executioner of smiles. The smile that could cause a grown mare to break down entirely into desperate hysterical laughter as they fully realized the extent of infinite possibilities that smile portended.
One cannot grasp the width of the universe, and just so one cannot grasp the width of that smile.
What Pinkie's smile meant today, however, was a little less existential. Pinkie had extensive files on everyone in Ponyville, and someone was having a party today...even if they didn't know about it yet. She was going to get that someone a party if it was the last thing she did. It was her duty, her mission, her destiny.
"Hey Pinkie!" said Rainbow Dash, descending from the sky. "Have you seen Twilight anywhere?"
Pinkie nodded. "Of course I have!"
"Oh, phew!" said Rainbow Dash, visibly relieved. "Where is she?"
"Well of course I haven't seen her right now, silly! I have no idea!"
Rainbow Dash flew off in desperation, leaving Pinkie to her hopping along. If she was to throw the Eiffel Tower of celebrations, she had some last minute shopping to do.
But nopony was out today...that was strange. Normally the marketplace was really busy this time of day. Something was going on...
Pinkie shrugged it off. There were bigger things on her mind. She had to have complete focus if she was to throw the Fallingwater of birthday feasts.
Just a stop by the party supplies store for a noisemaker, three toothpicks, a rubber band, five jingle bells and an entirely unwholesome amount of colored streamers, and she'd be ready.
Would the counter be staffed? Nopony seemed around to do it...
Some time, but not an inordinately large amount, later,
Pinkie's shopping paid off, at least in the sense that she had to drop her pay off at the counter, as nopony was there after all. No worries however, she left money so it wasn't like she was stealing, that would be unacceptable.
Now with mane full to the reality-distorting brim with party supplies, Pinkie was finally ready to enter Discord's Dimensiontm.
Discord's Dimensiontm is one of the least accessible tourist attractions in Ponyville. Not only does it not have any entrances or exits, but the laws of physics are on permanent sick leave and color theory loses its jurisdiction there. The only way to enter the Dimensiontm from the outside world is to perform something so inexplicably nonsensical that probability gives up and banishes you there forcibly, restoring balance in the world and rounding out the bell curve. While you visit, main attractions include bloodthirsty monster attacks, antigravity pockets, and existential torment, not to mention the sole resident's abode. Discord, as creator and owner of the Dimensiontm, enjoys administrator access, including editing rights, backdoor access, and most nebulously, copyright claims and anti-pirating authority. When your stay is over (which for your own sake I recommend ends immediately after entering, or better yet, not at all), you can leave by performing an action so banally predictable that probability considers you redeemed and retracts your banishment.
Average customer rating: 1.5 stars, 175 reviews.
Here Pinkie ran into a predicament. To get into Discord's Dimensiontm, she had to do something inexplicably nonsensical. However, Pinkie already was inexplicable nonsensical. Probability had made a special exception in her case years ago and allowed her continued existence in the waking world.
So she couldn't just settle for inexplicably nonsensical.
She had to resort to complete and entire befuddling capricious misconduct.
Pinkie sighed, pulling a cupcake out of her mane, cradling it on her hoof the same way Hamlet held the skull of Yodrick. To break the laws of probability, she knew what she had to do.
"Cross my heart and hope to fly," she recited slowly and gravely, "Stick a cupcake in my eye."
The world around her seemed to get a little darker, her words echoing through the trees like the sudden wind that picked up.
She closed her eyes, steeling herself for the inevitable. It was a terrible act, but a necessary evil. Discord would never have his party if she couldn't force herself to do the one thing she would never do.
She had to break the Pinkie Promise.
Lifting the cupcake in her hand, she opened her eyes and drove the fated pastry home.
The pain faded away almost immediately, the telltale tug of teleportation pulling at her but leaving the cupcake behind.
It worked!
Just before that moment,
Discord was having a lovely day. Everypony in Ponyville was afraid of something, and it wasn't him!
Of course, he had no idea what exactly it was, as nopony stopped running to speak or even yell over their shoulder. Rainbow Dash had stopped by but even she only asked where Twilight might be, something that Discord neither knew nor cared about.
If only he could tell what was happening! Discord, the lord of chaos, the puppetmaster of pandemonium, not only not in charge of the chaos, but at a loss to what caused it? That simply could not stand.
He picked up the nearest pony he found and questioned it: "What in Equestria is going on?"
The pony, unable to decide whether Discord was the lesser of two evils, eventually caved in and said shakily, "T-there's a monster headed our way! I've never s-seen anything like it!"
Discord dropped the pony and stroked his goatee in thought. "A monster, you say?"
Cries of "Where's Princess Twilight!" and "Somepony find her! She's the only one who can get rid of it!" rang out from various corners of Ponyville.
A perfect opportunity presented itself to the draconequus. Since Twilight was nowhere to be found, he could be the one to save the townsfolk! He would be revered again, and perhaps he might be able to get away with creating a "chaos garden" somewhere as a thank-you...
His mind made up, he snapped his fingers and popped over to where the monster would be. "I've heard something about a monster here," he spoke theatrically, "and it is my intent to rid Ponyville of it once and for all!"
Screams rang out behind him. The world seemed to get darker, and the wind picked up.
He turned raising his now boxing gloved arms, "Well now, monster, put up your dukes, will you..." and stopped short.
There in front of him was a colossal eye, smaller eyes on stalks like crabs radiating out from its center.
"Don't fight it!" yelled a fleeing pony. "It's a Mag-Eye, it'll stop your magic!"
"Is that the name you have for it these days?" Discord mumbled shakily. Oh, he knew what it was. Legends from even back in his time told of these evil eyes, and in recent years they had become popular in the fantasy fiction realm, especially in that one game he liked to play with Spike and Big Macintosh.
And he knew that even he was no match for the powerful anti-magic gaze it was nearly directing at him.
Discord, at that moment, realized he was a coward. He regretfully accepted this, snapped his fingers, and teleported back to his home dimension.
How Do You Even Top That, I Mean In All Honesty
Twilight Sparkle was having something of a strange day.
After being summoned to Canterlot for an audience with Celestia, she had been understandably nervous.
However, the reason turned out to be slightly worse than even she expected.
She opened the doors to the throne room, galloping across the long hallway. "I came as quickly as I could! What's going on? Why do you need me here?"
Celestia, Luna, and Cadence stood there, all emanating an aura of anxiety and desperation.
"Twilight," Celesta said, "We have called upon you as our only hope. A terrible creature has escaped from Tartarus, somehow just after we renewed our defenses on it!"
"WHAT?" Twilight stared. "But those spells were unbreakable!"
"The spells were not the problem," Luna joined in. "However, the nature of our foe may have had something to do with it."
Luna walked towards a table set up to the side of the hallway. "As you know from your visits to Tartarus, there is a physical and a magical element to our defenses, both of which are incredibly strong and nearly impossible to break. However."
She glanced at Twilight. "I hope you are familiar with the legends of the great Eyes of the olden days?"
When she received a nod in reply, she continued. "Then you must know about their magic neutralization abilities. Although most of them disappeared to darker worlds more than a thousand years ago, one remained here in Equestria. Celestia and I were tasked with bringing it to justice."
Celestia stepped to Luna's side. "Luna and I were only just barely able to contain the beast in Tartarus, placing our strongest wards on its prison. However, we failed to take into account that its anti-magic powers could slowly erode enchantments. It took a thousand years, but the Eye managed to break the wards and, albeit inchingly, destroy its prison from the inside out." A look of extreme concern passed over her face. "This is the crisis we face, Twilight."
Twilight looked simply overwhelmed. "And...you want me to go lock it up again? You said it yourself: you and Luna were barely even able to do that in the first place! How do you expect me to..."
Cadance walked up and placed a hoof on Twilight's shoulder, cutting her off. "No, Twilight. We don't expect that from you. We're all going to do our part."
"With four against one, it matters not how many eyes this fiend may have," Luna spoke, nodding gravely. "Undoubtedly it will not fall for the same tricks my sister and I used the first time. With four, however, we may yet have the element of surprise."
Twilight thought for a moment. "Then I'm willing to do my part. Where should we st--"
The throne room doors had seen better days, but when Rainbow Dash burst through them, they finally detached from their hinges and fell to the floor with a depressingly soft slam.
"Twilight, I've been looking all over Equestria for you!" She gestured frantically. "We need you back in Ponyville, this eye monster is ripping up half the town!"
The four princesses looked at each other in dismay.
"It seems that the worst has already come to pass," said Luna.
"There is no time to lose." said Celestia.
"We have to help those poor ponies!" said Cadence.
Twilight just channeled her magic and prepared for a teleport.
A maximum of three seconds later,
Rainbow wasn't exaggerating when she said the monster was ripping up half the town, although she might have been when she said she had been "looking all over Equestria" for Twilight.
The gigantic eye had already carved innumerable furrows with laser blasts, and was continuing to do so at a frankly impressive rate.
"Why does this only happen to Ponyville?" Twilight wondered aloud.
The other Princesses shrugged and sighed, and then they were all after their target.
"Me and Luna will distract it, it knows us and most likely holds a grudge for our actions!" Celestia yelled as they flew towards it.
Luna appeared at Celestia's side. "Meanwhile, the two of you find any openings to disable its smaller eyes! We must not fail!"
The two elder princesses banked sharply, bringing themselves into the beast's main line of sight.
"Twilight, we should split up!" Cadence advised. "It will have to focus on more targets at once!"
And the battle began.
Only five minutes later,
Twilight couldn't believe the battle had been over so quickly. Never underestimate your opponent, she guessed.
The eye loomed massively, gazing directly at her and completely neutralizing her magic. Cadence was somewhere on the ground, knocked out cold, and Celestia and Luna were in the vice grip of two eye stalks like boa constrictors, each eye focused on their horns as well.
They really never had a chance. It saw them coming, both figuratively and literally.
Twilight lowered her eyes in shame. The eye began to glow brightly, and she knew her last moments were upon her.
But...if this was how she was going to go out, then she would make it a sight to remember.
Perhaps a magicless horn would be useless for magic...but it was a horn nonetheless.
Twilight ran at the eye full speed, angling her horn down and preparing to jump.
If she was going to die, she would at least give this eye a cataract for the ages.
With a desperate scream, Twilight launched herself, bracing for the laser...
And landed directly in a bowl of punch.
For a moment, she was too shocked to even register what had happened, but when she finally looked up, a strange sight met her eyes.
The eye was gone, in its place hung a massive floating pavilion, covered in colorful streamers and balloons. Sets of Escher-esque stairs led up to and around it, each stair a different shade of pink. An upside-down waterfall of lemonade spilled out from underneath the roof and disappeared into the sky.
It was undoubtedly the most bizzare thing Twilight had ever seen, and that was saying a lot.
Gradually, a crowd of ponies, really, the entire population of Ponyville, gathered around. What was it? Where did it come from? What did it mean?
Celestia, Luna, and Cadence walked over to Twilight. "I don't know what it is," said Celestia, "but my advice is to treat it with extreme caution."
They motioned for the crowd to stay back, and the four of them made their way up the gravity-defying stairs slowly. It felt perfectly natural to walk on the wall, even if it looked a little disorienting.
Entering the pavilion, they saw a stage with an elaborate set of incomprehensible machinery, an absolutely enormous pile of irregularly shaped presents, and the largest chocolate fountain any of them had ever seen. Of course, it flowed sideways counterclockwise around the fountain, but that didn't matter.
"Hello?" Twilight yelled. "If anypony's in here, show yourself!"
Silence fell for a few seconds, and Twilight was just about to repeat herself when...
"Twilight!" A...something came barrelling towards her at top speed, and before she had time to react, it had already picked her up and swung her around in a circle several times.
The other princesses narrowed their eyes and lit up their horns. "Put her down, fiend, or we shall not hesitate to destroy you!" yelled Luna.
The thing looked at them quizzically with its mismatched eyes. "Huh? Oh, right, how silly of me--you probably have no idea what's going on."
It put Twilight down and bowed theatrically to the four of them. "I am ever so excited and pleased to see you four again, Twilight, Celestia, Luna, Cadence. You have no idea how exciting this is for me! I don't believe I've ever been more excited in my life, I would say, but I guess I would say that."
The princesses simply looked at it in shock.
"Oh come on now. Surely you can figure it out?" The creature scoffed, but seemed unable to wipe the smile off its face. "A creature with full control over the laws of physics but with a penchant for parties and an insatiable urge for optimism?"
Slowly, realization dawned on Twilight's face. "Wait...Pinkie?"
The creature's smile widened, and a second smile appeared rather creepily below that. "Well, you're only half right, Twilight. Keep guessing!"
"Half right?" Twilight muttered. Then her eyes widened. "Half Pinkie? Then--"
"You guessed it! Really, I am so proud of you." The creature flew into the air, separating into two forms: one of Pinkie Pie and one of Discord, speaking from both their mouths simultaneously. "I am both Pinkie Pie and Discord! I haven't come up with a name for myself yet, do you have any ideas, perchance?"
Celestia spoke up. "Excuse me for interrupting, but...how did the two of you become...the same being?" Luna, Cadence, and Twilight nodded assent.
The Discord-Pinkie hybrid coalesced back into its nebulous pink-grey form, scratching its chin thoughtfully. "An excellent question. I suppose it's easy to explain: Pinkie was on a mission to Discord's Dimension, and when she teleported there, she intersected with Discord's quantum strings as a byproduct of instantaneous particle entanglement and replication."
When that was met with blank stares from three princesses, Twilight cleared her throat. "What, uh, ...they're trying to say is that they crossed the streams, essentially, they teleported to the same spot."
"Oh..." they all said. "But how in heavens above did you manage to defeat the eye?" asked Luna.
"Well... Discord-Pinkie said thoughtfully, "my dedication to Ponyville's welfare combined with the honestly inordinately large power that befits a wielder of chaos, I suppose. I didn't really think about it."
Everypony nodded at that, and Cadance spoke up this time. "So what do you think you'll be doing no--"
Discord-Pinkie clapped their hands, cutting off Cadence's question, and danced around wildly. "Ah! Yes, I believe I have the perfect name!"
They threw their hands out wide. "I shall be called Despise!"
That was met with blank stares again. Discord-Pinkie shrugged sheepishly. "Or maybe not...that did sound better in my head. How about...instead of Discord, I can be Rhyme! That has a nice ring to it!"
While Rhyme was still happily rambling about their name, the princesses all hushedly had a conversation.
"Do you think they can be trusted?" asked Celestia.
"They certainly don't seem very harmful," said Cadence. "Besides, they're a combination of Discord and Pinkie. Pinkie would never do anything to hurt her friends and seems to be restraining the part of Discord that might."
"I agree with Cadence," said Luna. "But I think somehow Discord's power was only magnified by Pinkie's influence."
"That could be true," said Twilight. "She did get some magic back when Cozy Glow's plot was foiled. I never got around to asking her whether that was what accounted for her unexplained powers."
"Well then." concluded Celestia. "We should be able to trust them. Now, what about the, er, 'crossing the streams' situation, Twilight?"
"Well, I've never heard of anything like this happening before," Twilight frowned, "But I've read reports on some cases in which similar outcomes occur. I suppose we could undo the effects by reverse-analyzing the different magical energies in Rhyme and separating the two of them again, although I don't know what effect it will have on their psyche."
They were interrupted at this point, however, by Rhyme suddenly speaking up. "Oh! And Discord's still not got his party! But now that I'm Discord, I'll be able to throw myself the biggest party Equestria's ever seen!"
Rhyme and several dozen copies of them flew to the windows of the pavilion. "ATTENTION PONYVILLE! EVERY RESIDENT IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO "DISCORD-PINKIE'S RHYME-AND-DINE EXPOSITION BIRTHDAY BONANZA BARBECUE FESTIVITY FUNCTION CELEBRATION CIDERFEST INCLUDING SEVERAL CAST MEMBERS AND PRODUCERS OF THE POPULAR STAGE PLAY DRAMA 'KIRIN OF THE OPERA!'"
Twilight looked around at the princesses, who were all now wearing party hats over their horns.
"Everypony in favor of separating them?"
"Definitively." "Oh, absolutely." "Yes."
"Then, we'll just have to bear this storm as it comes," Twilight said with a resigned sigh. "Even if it means witnessing the birthday blowout to blow up Equestria."
She took off her party hat, only to notice another underneath it.
"Brace yourselves," she said. "This is going to be a long night."
Author's Note
It is finished.
what a dumb idea
