Crazy Taxi: Pony Edition

by The card holder

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3636

Ever play Crazy Taxi? It's pretty much that, but with ponies.

San Franciscolt. It's a large, bustling town on the coast, filled with ponies of all kinds. Watch as everyone's favorite ponies try to find their way in this large city. Of course, they'd be lost without the services of the local taxi drivers.

Hey, hey, that's right! It's time to get craaaazy! We got crazy cool music and crazy cool drivin' when you click those chapters, so let's see if those cabbies can make some craaaazy money! Are you ready?

Published 2012-08-04 03:34:04 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-14 21:16:18 UTC

Here we go!

Rarity was not having a good day.

She had been invited to the city of San Franciscolt to attend a formal event, where she would show off the dresses she made. She was hoping that it would be like the time she went to Canterlot, and that her boutique's reputation would skyrocket more.

So, naturally, fate saw fit to screw her over. For whatever reason, the hotel she was staying at forgot to give her a wake-up call at 7:00 A.M. The event was at noon. It was currently 11:50. Looking at her map of the city, she realized that, even if she ran as hard as she could, it would take about thirty minutes to get to the other side of town, where the event was being held.

Wearing her saddlebags, and holding all of her dresses with her magic, she sprints down the side of the street, hoping that she could somehow make it in time. When her strength gave out, she looked into the street as cars drove to wherever they were going. She didn't want to do it, if she didn't have to, but the white unicorn now sees that there's no other way she'll make it to the event in time. Swallowing her pride, she raises her hoof and calls out:

"Taxi!"

After a few seconds of waving, a cab pulled up to the sidewalk. But before Rarity could get in, there was a loud screeching of tires, followed by the taxi getting sent flying across the road. Rarity dove for cover, dropping her dresses in the process. When she got back up, she saw a different taxi sloppily parked on the sidewalk. This one was convertible, and looked a bit faster than the other one. The driver was an earth pony stallion wearing a tropical shirt. His coat was a light brown, and his mane was shortly cut and bright green.

Rarity composed herself and retrieved her dresses. "You nearly killed me!"

"You're okay, get in!" the cabbie responded in his slightly accented voice. Rarity thought over her options quickly. Between being late for the event and riding with this maniac, she saw the lesser of two bad things.

Setting her dresses in the back seat, she jumps inside. "Take me to the design studio across town!"

"Okay, but don't freak out on me!" The driver hits the radio with his hoof, then shifts the car into gear. Just as the car starts moving, a fast-paced song began blaring from the speakers. Rarity would have possibly recognized it as something that Rainbow Dash would listen to, but she was too busy screaming in terror to think. The driver didn't seem to care for any traffic laws of any kind. He would drive all over the road, passing as close as possible to other cars. He'd even drive on the sidewalk, causing ponies to scream while jumping out of the way. Rarity had to hold the dresses inside the car with her magic, due to the erratic driving. As they slid around a street corner, Rarity tried to look at her map.

"Go straight!" she directed the insane driver.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," he responded while barely missing oncoming traffic. Rarity had never been so terrified in all her life. A couple of times, the taxi would barely scrape against other cars, jostling both the driver and passenger. It took all of Rarity's concentration to not faint, while still holding onto her dresses. Soon, as the driver rounded another corner, knocking wooden boxes everywhere, Rarity saw that the drawbridge ahead was up. Even with the maniac in the driver's seat, she still felt that she wouldn't make it in time. She shouldn't have been surprised when they didn't slow down.

"What are you doing?! Don't you see the bridge is up!?"

"Just shut up, and let's roll!" He gunned the accelerator, heading straight for the raised bridge. Rarity's pupils shrank to pin pricks. Before she knew what was happening, they were in the air. Rarity screamed loudly on the whole way to the ground. As they hit the road again, Rarity nearly fell out of the car. Only her death grip on the door kept her from going flying. The cabbie drove straight through a park, causing more ponies to jump clear of the car. Rarity never stopped screaming, but the driver never seemed to pay her any mind. After what seemed like forever to the white unicorn, she spotted the studio where she would present her dresses to the ponies that hold the future of her career in their hooves. The cabbie spins the car almost completely around, stopping just in front of the building. The moment the car stops, she scrambles out, dresses in tow. She almost forgets to pay the cab driver, but she simply tosses a large amount of her bits into the back seat, not bothering to count. The stallion seems alright with this, as he immediately peels out, no doubt to find another customer. Now on solid, non-moving ground, Rarity started to calm down. Taking out a mirror, she looked at herself.

She was a wreck. She looked like she was just scared witless (which she was), and her normally well-kept mane seemed to go all over the place. Looking at a nearby clock, she sees that it's about 11:52.

She blinked from surprise. Had that nightmare of a trip really been that short? Doing her best to make herself presentable, Rarity begins to head inside. Despite the... method of that stallion's driving, she was happy with the results. But the next time she saw that cab, she was going to scream and run the other way. Still, she had dresses to show off now.

Rarity couldn't be happier. They liked her dresses! She was going to be a famous name in San Franciscolt!

As she left the studio, she realized that she would need a ride back to the hotel. She was about to call for another taxi, but the one that brought her here suddenly came into view, carrying another passenger. This one seemed thrilled, of all things, by the reckless driving. As the cab zoomed by, Rarity thought to herself.

"On second thought, maybe I'll just take the bus."

It's party time, let's have some fun!

"What do you mean, Dashie? You were awesome!"

"Yeah, but that landing was sure to have hurt my chances."

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had just left a Wonderbolts tryout. All had gone well for the pegasus, until she tried to perform six consecutive mid-air flips while only a few yards off the ground. During the fourth flip, she landed wing-first, badly spraining her wings to where she couldn't fly for a bit. Pinkie was with her simply because she wanted to be. Now they walked the streets of San Franciscolt, trying to make heads or tails of where to go to get back to the hotel for the day. Rainbow wasn't that used to not being able to simply fly around, but Pinkie seemed comfortable enough.

"Pinkie, are we going the right way to the hotel?"

"I have no idea!" was the cheery reply.

Rainbow face-hooved. "That's it, we're calling a cab."

"Oooh, I hope we get a taxi like Rarity told us about, that sounded super-duper fun!"

"I doubt it was really like that, Pinks. Rarity can be a bit of a drama queen, you know?" She went ahead and hailed a cab. At first, none showed up. Then, out of nowhere, a convertible taxi comes flying down the road, another pony in the back. The car suddenly drifted onto the sidewalk, Pinkie and Rainbow barely dodging it. The passenger gets out while tossing a seemingly random amount of bits into the back seat.

"I didn't expect to get here so fast!" the passengers says before running off into a nearby building. The taxi start moving again, sliding into place right in front of Pinkie and Rainbow.

"I'm at your service!" the driver says. He had on a blue shirt with sleeves that fit over his dark brown coat, and was wearing a tropical hat and sunglasses. He was wearing a smile that could rival Pinkie's.

In a way that only Pinkie Pie could manage, she was already in the back seat. "Come on, Dashie! This will be fun!"

Rainbow was a bit skeptic, due to the taxi nearly killing her and Pinkie. Still, she couldn't fly, and this seemed to be the next best thing. She hopped in next to her pink-as-hell friend before turning to the driver.

"Hey, mister, could you take us to the hotel?"

"Yeah, we'll be on our way!" He put the car in gear and launched down the road, just as a song started blaring from the speakers. Rainbow Dash was surprised by both the speed and the excitement of the ride. They had near misses with other cars and ponies, and slid around all of the turns they came across. Pinkie Pie thoroughly enjoyed the ride.

"Wheeeeee!" While Pinkie voiced her approval, Rainbow simply held on. It was almost like when she flew, but a bit more... dangerous. It reminded her of some of the roller coasters she had been on in the past, except this had no rails and no safety measures whatsoever. Even when they slammed into other cars while drifting, Pinkie never stopped shouting.

Up ahead, a drawbridge was raised to the left, and Rainbow was sure that the driver would jump it. Instead, he veers left early, dropping into the water. The pegasus is so surprised that she swallows a mouthful of water. Somehow, Pinkie suddenly had a snorkel and mask on, and she was silently screaming in delight. The car ramped up back out of the water, and Rainbow started coughing violently, getting the water out of her lungs.

Rounding another corner, the road sloped up sharply. The driver only gunned the engine more, lifting into the air upon reaching the flat intersection. They kept flying forward, jumping off of two more hills before the street leveled out again. Suddenly, the cabbie slammed the steering wheel to the side, causing the taxi to go into a sliding u-turn. He stops on the curb, and Rainbow looks up and sees their hotel. She hops out, Pinkie joining her side. The earth pony reaches into... somewhere, and tosses some bits into the back seat.

"Thanks for the ride, mister cab driver person!" she calls out while waving.

"Nothing I can't handle!" he replies, before launching the cab off to other waiting customers. Once it's out of sight, Rainbow turns to her friend.

"Say, Pinkie, where did you get those bits?"

"Oh, I just robbed a bank!"

"Oh, okay.... Wait, what?"

Please keep your Fluttershy inside the ride at all times

Fluttershy and Applejack wandered down the sidewalk, looking for somewhere to eat. They had visited San Franciscolt in order to meet up with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who went to a Wonderbolts tryout. Apparently, Dash had messed up the landing in one of her tricks, and sprained her wing badly. They were there both for emotional support and to take her back to Ponyville, if they had to.

"I can never find mah way in these dang cities..." Applejack muttered under her breath. Fluttershy stayed silent, as she usually did. Soon, they had come to a conclusion on their whereabouts.

"That's it, we're lost."

"Oh, I'm sure we can ask for directions..." the yellow pegasus spoke up.

"Or we could take one of them taxis that Rarity told us about."

"Oh, I don't know, the way she described it was quite... terrifying..." Fluttershy nearly cowered from the memory of Rarity telling about the taxi she rode in.

"Come on, 'Shy, it can't be that bad." Famous last words. Oh, sorry, I was supposed to be narrating.

Despite Fluttershy's protests, Applejack waved a hoof towards the street with the intention of hailing a cab. Everything seemed normal enough at first: a white and orange taxi pulled up to the curb, being driven by a red-haired mare. Applejack and Fluttershy got in the back, Applejack pointing in a rather general direction. "Just take us somewhere else, please."

"Okay, ready?" The driver's voice was somewhat sultry, but that was soon overlooked by the sudden increase in speed while heading down the street, with the radio blaring. Not even ten seconds after moving, Fluttershy became completely paralyzed with fear. Applejack noticed this, and had to tie a rope to the petrified pegasus to keep her in the car. Even with the rope, this was no easy feat, as the cab slid around every corner at breakneck speeds. Applejack loudly voiced her complaints over the sound of squealing tires, but the driver paid no attention to her.

After passing too close for comfort to countless cars, Applejack thought she saw a break up ahead; a road with no traffic at all. Her hopes of a brief intermission from near misses were dashed, however, when the cabbie drove off the road into the grass, heading towards a train tunnel. Inside, it was nearly pitch black, the only lights being from the car's headlights. At least, until a train began heading for them. Applejack's eyes widened. For first time in as long as she could remember, she screamed in pure terror.

Just before the taxi became a metallic stain on the landscape, the driver swerved onto a different set of tracks, narrowly avoiding the train. Applejack stopped screaming just as they left the tunnel. Hopping back onto the road, the cabbie kept up the dangerous driving, disregarding any pedestrians or other cars in her way. Applejack just closed her eyes and kept a death grip on the rope holding Fluttershy in the car, waiting for it to be over. Soon, she felt the car slide to a stop. Opening her eyes, Applejack saw that the car was, indeed, stopped. She wasted no time in jumping onto the sidewalk, nearly forgetting to bring her timid friend with her. When she remembers to pay the cab driver, she simply turns her saddlebags over in the back seat, dumping all the bits she had.

The car drove off, leaving a terrified cow-mare and a scared-stiff pegasus. Somehow, Applejack's hat stayed on her head for the whole trip. After a few minutes of just standing there, collecting herself, Fluttershy regained consciousness.

"What... happened?"

Before Applejack could answer, a door opened behind her. "Hey, guys, where ya been?"

They turned to see both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie standing in the doorway of some kind of restaurant. When neither of them answered, Rainbow became confused. "Uh... you two okay?"

"That... Taxi... Train..." Applejack stammered out. Rainbow just chuckled.

"Oh, you rode one of those taxis. Yeah, I felt the same way at first, too. But it was awesome!"

"Come on, you silly ponies!" Pinkie Pie said. "Come on inside! They got the best food!" Suddenly, her expression turned dark. "Seriously, get inside before the chapter ends."

Applejack finally regained her senses. "Wait, what the hay do you mean 'before the chapter e-"

Royally fast

Another day, another set of politics to work through. As the leader of all of Equestria, Celestia expects this, but it doesn't change the fact that it bores her after a while. At least this time it's in San Franciscolt, so she could enjoy her sun at its most pleasant; that is, if she found any free time.

"Princess Celestia? Are you okay?"

The princess snapped out of her internal reflection. Her prized student, Twilight Sparkle, had accompanied her on the trip, thankfully breaking up some of the monotony of the trip. "Yes, Twilight, I'm fine. I'm just thinking."

The purple unicorn didn't push the issue as she sat back in her seat. A few members of the Royal Guard were driving her and the princess there in her personal transport vehicle (Pinkie had said that it looked like the "Popemobile", whatever that was). Although Celestia hadn't said anything, she personally thought it was a bit too grandiose of a car. For once, she would like to arrive somewhere in the same kind of transportation that other ponies arrive in.

As if fate itself (or perhaps an author with nothing better to do) was listening, the car suddenly ground to a stop with a sickening grinding noise, shaking both Celestia and Twilight out of their thinking. "Wait, what happened? Why are we stopped?" Twilight was already becoming nervous that they would be late. Celestia, however, was much more calm. She leaned out the window to speak with the driver about the sudden stop.

"Is there a problem?"

The driver looked back to the princess. "Uhh.... Well, y-your highness, we seem to have broken down. I-I'm no expert, but it could take a few days to fix this."

Wordlessly, Celestia gets out of the car. She wanted to see what was wrong with the car, as well as have a chance to stretch her legs. Twilight followed behind her, frantically checking her schedule to see how this delay could be fixed. Heading to the front of the car, Celestia raised the hood, getting a face full of steam. Coughing, she beats her wings once to clear the air around her. She looks into the engine, and, after much study and deduction, came to a rousing conclusion:

She had no clue as to what she was doing.

After figuring that out, the princess decided that her and Twilight would get to the capitol building through other means while the guards fixed the car. Naturally, Twilight was freaking out.

"What if we don't make it in time? What if we get lost?! What if-"

To save the sanity of both her student and herself, Celestia cut her off. "Relax, Twilight. I'm sure we can get there somehow."

The unicorn suddenly looked up. "Wait, couldn't you just teleport us there, Princess?"

"Well, I could, but the journey is half the fun!" In reality, Celestia just wanted to put off the politics for as long as possible. Still, there was some truth to her words. The two walked down the sidewalk, the alicorn receiving several stares, followed by several hasty bows. The princess ignored most of them, simply wishing that, for once, she could be treated like any other pony.

Looking towards the street, Celestia got an idea for getting to the capitol building. "Twilight, what do you say we hail a cab?"

"What?! But- But you're a princess! What would people think if you-"

"Oh, what's the harm in it, Twilight?" Ignoring her student's protests, the princess calls for a taxi. Shortly after, an old-fashioned cab drives up, being driven by a middle-aged stallion wearing a tropical shirt. His brown mane was balding, revealing his orange coat on top of his head. Celestia goes ahead and gets in, Twilight reluctantly following her.

"Take us to the capitol building, please," the princess asks.

"Okay," the driver responds, his voice deep and aged. "Better hold on."

Before either of the passengers could ask what he meant by that, the car took off just as the radio started playing a fast-paced song. The ride sends the passengers sliding across the back seat, surprising both of them. Twilight starts hyperventilating. How could somepony treat the princess like this, with such reckless driving?

Celestia, on the other hand, was having fun. Indeed, the driver didn't seem to care that royalty was in the back seat, and she loved it. She was being treated like any other pony would be; this was exactly what she wanted.

As the taxi drifted around street corners and had near misses with other traffic, Celestia started actually screaming with glee, while Twilight screamed in terror. The cab zoomed on at insane speeds, occasionally scraping buildings and other cars. This was the most fun that the immortal alicorn had in a long, long time. Twilight, meanwhile, had simply closed her eyes, waiting for the nightmare of a ride to end.

In the distance, Celestia could see the capitol building approaching. Her spirits fell a bit, because she knew that the ride was almost over. Still, she screamed with delight as the cab rocketed up steep hills and around sharp corners. All too soon, the ride stops, and Celestia gets out. When Twilight doesn't move, the princess lifts her out of the cab with her magic. She takes out a random amount of bits and put it into the backseat, and the cab drives off. Reluctantly, Celestia looks to the capitol, where all kinds of politics will take place. She's about to walk inside, but she almost trips over Twilight's cowering form. Chuckling, the princess picks up her student and brings her inside with her, ready to face the boredom of politics.

Later that evening, Luna had been brought in from Canterlot, as well. She stood next to Celestia as the two dealt with all kinds of political issues.

After all was said and done, Celestia went outside to get some fresh air. Once there, she saw Luna standing alone, looking sad about something.

"What's wrong, sister?"

"Oh, it's nothing, 'Tia..." Her face said otherwise.

"Luna..."

The younger sister sighed. "Fine... It's just that, even after I've been here for a few years, everypony still acts scared of me, like I'm going to throw the world into eternal night again at any moment..." A single tear dropped out of her eye.

Celestia was sad for her sister. If only there was a way to cheer her up...

Suddenly, an idea hit Celestia. "I know how to make her feel better..."

"...R-Really? How?"

Instead of answering her sister, Celestia turned to the street and raised a hoof.

"Taxi!"