Detective jakkid166 in everythingby jakkid166ChaptersDetective Jakkid166 in Story of the BlanksDetective jakkid166 in CupcakesDetective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 1Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 2Detective jakkid166 in Fallout EquestriaDetective Jakkid166 in A Canterlot Wedding both part 1 and 2Detective Jakkid166 in Rainbow FactoryDetective Jakkid166 in Story of the BlanksOne day I was doin some good mountain hiking on the othere side of the ENTIRE world of Equestria. It was a really cold and bigger mountain, so big that my legs got tired from walking up so much but it was fine cause I was wearing a jacket. But then I was schchocked to find that I got a phone cell on my cell call. I heard my ringtone so I opened my phone and said "Hello who is this?" "Detectives jakkid!" said Twilight and she waved at me. "I need you to come the heck over here to and go to the everfree forest and help me chop down trees so I can make juice from them." "What?" I said "But those trees is only leaves and wood." "Yes, I'm going to make leaf juice and wood juice." "But I'm on the other side of the world right now." "I don't care come back here or else I will demote you to a not detective." "Okay," I said and I hung up and walked back to Ponyville. I went to Twilights house and Knocked the door open and she opened the door and I climbed inside through the window. "Okay dokay" said Twilight and she had a axe but she only had 1 axe so she gave me a fork to help chop the trees with. "Now lets go chop it good" So Twilight and me went out of the everfree forest into the everfree forest to chop lots of trees. "Remember jakkid Don't chop too many or else you will be deforestation," said Twilight. And she used her magic to use the axe to chop a tree and it fell onto the gravity. "Yeah okay" I said and I stuck my fork in a tree to try and cut it but it was really hard cause it was a fork and the tree was big, and it made me look like I was trying to eat the tree. "Jakkid stop trying to eat the trees" said Twilight and she threw the axe at me and I caught it and I was better at chopping trees now cause of the axe made me about to be look like a lumperjack. I threw tha axe at a tree and it sliced it down the middle all the way and then it came back in the air like a boomerang and I caught it and chopped both halves off into Twilights wood wheelbarrow she brought with us. "Alright thats enough wood" said Twilight and we became walking back out of the forest. But for some reason we couldnt find our way out, because we were LOST! And it wasn't my fault because theres lots of trees and Twilight is a pony which means shes supposed to have a really good memory. "Its too bad I cant fly" I said cause I didnt have wings unlike alecorns and pegasus. I did have a can of red bull but that doesnt really give you wings not like it says on the can. Also it tastes bad and its expenseive and it doesent even make you really energy. One time I drinked 3 cans before bed because I had none other drinks, and it only made me stay up for like 3 days and I fell back sleep again. And so I tried to returne it at the store but then the guy was like "Youc ant return food you already drank" and so I had to not money. It was sucked the dick. "Wait," said Twilight because I was walking too fast and she wasn't could keep up with me. "I see a town over there!" "Hahaha," I laughed hahaha ha. "There's no towns in the everfree forest stupid." "Yeah there is," said Twilight and she pointed at the town we were now inside of. "Oh shit youre right," I said. "How the shit did we get here? I don't even map." "I don't know," said Twilight. "We better talk to the ponies and see if they can give us directions back to hell." We went in thetown and there was a town in the forest and it had lots of ponies in it. But for some reason the ponies wasn't had any cutie marks and also they were really sad about somethign cause something happened that made them sad. I dicked up to them and said "HEY idiots what are you so sad about? Dont worry I'll make you happy. I am stand up comedy" "But jakkid we're ponies we don't know how to stand up." said Twilight. "Oh right." But then one of the ponies walked to me and said "Hey everyone look its Detective Jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world!" and everyone was like "What are you doing here?" "Wow you know who I am?" I said "Yeah cause we saw you on TV and also that movie you was starred in, and also those fanfictiones you write. But we need your help, Jetective." "Perfect" said me "Give me money and ill help you." And so they paid me money and then they all said at once "Ok so this pony got murdered and we dont know who did it," they said and they did stuff. "What pony?" "In that house," a guy said and he point at a house and it wa s spookylooking. "You and also your friends have to go in now." "Ok sounds good to me" I said and we went in the house through the window cause the chimney was locked. "Wait a minute" said Twilight "Wheres the dead pony?" "Idk" said me "Wait a minute I smell something." "What" "It smell like bones." "What" So I went ova to the fireplace and looke in it and there was bones. PONY BONYS! "AHHH SHIT!" said Twilight "Why is THAT? You causa the fuck murder? ITs a pony." But then it all got all DARK and flash player so I was like "okay guys Something is wrong here we all gotta get outta the towna fast." So we went out the chimney and off the roof and back into town but for some reason it was got all dark and the trees was black and the red was ground. "Shit this is spooky" I said but then we got back at the town and everything was got all rundown and shit and the houses were dead and the ponies were black and looke like fried chicken. "youuuu must JOIN US" said one of the black zombie ponies. "Okay but only if you join the jakkid166 fan club" I said. "No" "Shit" I said and we all ran ofe. But then we was SURROUNDED by the ponies that had no blankie marks and were black and charr. "Dammit Twilight you idiot what do we do now?" "I dont know Jakkid i thought haloween was like a week ago." she said. "Yeah what the fuck" I said "Why are you guys still costumes?" "These are not costumes Dumb Ass" said a pony "We are going to make you a zombies like us." And then they closede in on us and but then I was like "STOP!" and I pulled out my detective badge. "What?" they all said. "I'm detective jakkid166 and you are all under arrest for being zombies." I said. "SHIT!" They said but it was too late. I handcuffed them all and arrested them and all of them ponies of the town got arrested and I put them in the middle of town and called the Pony Police so they could come take them to jail. "Another problem solved by Detective Jakkid166" said me. I swapped my hands and then said "Hey Twilight you wanna get something to eat? I realy want fried chicken now" "Sure" said Twilight and we left to go do that. I pulle out my wallet to get the money the zombie ponies give me but when I open it it was ZOMBIE MONEY! "AWWWWWW SHIT" THE END Detective jakkid166 in Cupcakes(this story is not canon) One of the days of daying, I was the detective who is jakkid166. It was a bright day, of the sun was not became the moon yet, where the wind was blowing through the breeze. “Ahhh,” I said, drinking the air into my lungs. “I love the smell of Ponyville. It smells like horses” I looked at a pony who was Walking Down The Sidewalk (which is the name of a good music album) and her hair looke dlike frosting so I was reminded by that that I was hungry. So I decided the best place to go was the Sucar Cube Gorner. I pulled my bike out of my pocket and rode it to the place that was Sugartube Corner and I rode in through the door and I sat in a chair. But to my own surprise, no one was THERE! “wtf the fuck?” I said and I looked around at my eyes. “How long does it take to get SERVICE AROUND HERE?” And I saw a bell on the counter and I took out my gun and shot it and it BIM a BANG And the very moment the bullet bounced off the bell and bounced off my glasses, the counter spitted up a Pony and it was Pinkie Pie. “WHEEEEEEEEE” SCREAMED PINKIE PIE “HELLO DETECTIVE JAKKID!^^ HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? YOU ARE THE FIRST MY CUSTOMER OF THE DAY TODAY SO THAT MEANS YOU GET FREE FOOD.” i took my figner off the shift key and said “oh sweet cool. i will take 3 cups of cake” “Alright” said Pinkie and she handed me 3 cups with cake in them. “Sweet” I said and I drink the cake. Now I was going to go do my Detective Job, but then I remembered im on Fall break so I didnt have to do it. Later on Rainbow Dash entered the place through my the front door of the my Pinkie Pie’s my house. Pinkie Pie’s house “Oh hey Rainbow” I said and I waved at her but I was holding the cupe cake when I did it and I accidentally threw the cupcake at her and it smashed on her head and gave her 3 concussions. “Thanks Jakkid” said Rainbow. And she went to go to buy a food desert. “Hey jakkid you should leave out now,” said Pinkie. “We are closed.” “Alright” I said. “Come on Rainbow lets go somewhere else now.” “NO!” said Pinkie. “Rainbow has to stay so she can buy her cupcake.” “But you said youre closed.” “No Rainbow is our last customer.” “Okay then I’ll wait until she leaves too” “No Jakkid LEAVE NOW!” And I pulled out my Badge and said “Don’t yell at me or I will arrest you for detective yelling!” “God fuck damn it” said Pinkie. “Fine” And she gave Rainbow a cupcake and she ate it. And I stared at Rainbow really intently, so hard intently that her fur started to burn. But then Rainbow CALLAPSED on the GROUND! “What you fuck?” said me. “What happened to Rainbow?” "She got really tired from being so full, she is a sugar comma," said Pinkie. "Im gonna go put her in bed so she can sleep out the cupcake." And she picked up Rainbow and took her downstrairs to the basement. "Im gonna put her in the hot room so she can sweat the cupcake out of her sweat holes" "Cool" I said and I ate some more of my cupcake because nothing was wrong. ~ LATER ~ I was still in the Sugarcube playing on my PS Playstation Vita V and playing Danganronpa on it because it sucks. But then I heard a SOUND! "Oh sweet my lunch is ready" I said and I went and opened the micorwave and took out my Trader Joes Chicken Curry microwave meal I brought with me from my world. I opened it and was bout to Chow Down but then I realized something. "What is that not curry smell I smell?" I smelled. So I went over to the basement staircase while eating my curry, but there was a Big Locked Door that was locked with 16 locks. "Wow that's a door," I said. "And it's locked with 16 locks." And I took a bite of my curry with some rice. "I wonder whats behind it" But then I heard a SCREEEEEAM! "WHAT" I said and I took another bite and got out my detective badge and showed it to the door. "Door, I am Detective Jakkid166 and I demand you let me in right now." But the door did not open, so instead I took m y detective lock pick out of m ypockets and started lockpicking the lockpick door. I kept lockpicking all the locks but it was taking forever. So instead I reached into my tool box and got my SUPER LOCK PICK which is just a big hammer. I smashed the locks a bunch and I kept hearing screams but I finally uncocked the door and OPENED IT AND DASHE DTHEFUCK INSIDE But when I got in there what I saw was the most sockening sight of my life. It was the sight of Pinkie Pie, she was covered in blood and also gross stuff that I cant say the name of cause I dont want the story to be rated M. "Pinkie Pie what are you doing? Who is screamin? Why is your hair fat" But then Pinkie pulled a gun and said "Get out Detective jakkid or else I will kill you." But then I pulled MY gun and shot her gun out of her hand hoof and said "No you cannot do that. Now why are you covered in blood?" But then I saw on the table, there was RAINBOW DASH! And she was becomed a DEAD! "Whooooooa" I said. "What heppened to Rainbow Dash?" "She tripped and fell on my chain saw and all her insides fell out," said Pinkie. "Damn that sucks" said me. "How did she get strapped to the chair?" "Uhhh thats my secret surgery chair I used to try and surgery save her life." "Damn that sucks that you couldnt save her. Its okay Pinkie you are a hero" and I gave her an honor airy detective badge of honor. "The last question of the mystery" I said "Is how did she fall unconsious onto your chainsaw?" "Oh right" said Pinkie "I think the cupcake she ate had somethi ng in it." "WHAT?" I said and I was angry. "What could that be?" "Maybe drugs?" "THAT" is not acceptable I pulled out my drug testing kit to make sure. I picked up some of Raindead Dash's blood off the floor and put it in the testing machine, and the machine tested it POSITIVE for SLEEPING DRUGS! "Rainbow what have you done???" I said and I was disapointed at her. "Winners dont do drugs! Except weed" "Well now what?" said Pinkie and she looked at the flies around Rainbows body. "Now I've gotta arretst her for doing drugs," I said and I got my handcuffs out. "What" said Pinkie "But im not done surgerying her yet!" "Sorry but it is the law." And so I pulledout my hand cuffs and handcuffed her and pulled her off the table and dragged her to the door. "Wait what jakkid where are you going?" said Pinkie "Youre on fall break remember?" "Yeah but she did drugs, I have to arrest her. Besides if I dont arrest enough people I might get fired" so I pulled the dead Rainbow out the door and took her to the police station and they put her body in a prison cell and she had to do ten years. THE END Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 1Author's Note This story is base off "background pony" by shortskirtsandexplosions. Its a good story I recomend it unless you get sad easy: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/19198/background-pony Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 1 One day I was doin my not daily detective walk through the town of Ponyville to make sure no crimes were happening. I was listening to Michael Jackson music on my Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge phone and I got so into it that I starte moonwalking downtown and doing michael Jackson moves. But then I accidentally did the move where he grab his crotch and everyone saw it. "Dont look at me like that youre being disrespectful to good music" I said and I took my earphones out and kept walking while everyone stare at me. But I was walking I heard there was a different music. It flewtered into my ears and made my heart beat so much it almost came out of my mouth. I listened to my ears and saw the direction it was coming from: There was a pony and she was playing some instrument I dont know what its called. I walked to the her and said "Hey that is some damn good fuckin music you playing." I saw she had a hat of money on the ground so I took out 50 detective dollars and put them in the hat. "Thanks" she said. "Wait what kind of money is this" "Detective dollars. For 500 of them you can have me arrest anyone you want" "Oh okay cool." she didnt really want it but she wanted to be nice anyway. "Anyway," I said and I pulled out my phone to look at a picture of my watch to see what time it is. "Nice to meet you, pony. WHat is your name?" "My name is Lyra Heartstings. You wont remember it though." "Pfft," I laughed in english. "Detective jakkid166 remembers every one he meets. My memory is like an elephant. Very big and gray" "No its true nobody ever remembers me." "Dont worry," said me. "I will remember, if I don't forget. Anyway I gotta go do detective stuff so bye." ~ THE NEXT DAY ~ I came back to the place again and Lyra was there again playing her instru ment. I walked up to her and said "Hey Lyra how you doing?" "WHAT THE FUCK?" said Lyra and she THREW the instrument at me and it bounced off my head and lande back in her hooves and she caught it and put it on the ground. "You REMEMBER ME?" "Yeah," I said. "They call me Memory Man for a reason" "What who calls you that?" "THEY do!" I said. "Anyway I told you id remember you. How cold I forget such amazing musical note creations?" "But no one ever remembers me" said Lyra. "Even when people remember me they forget me because they dont remember me. I dont know why" "Wait what?" I said and I put my chin on my knee to help me think beter. "You mean every one you meet forgets you?" "Yeah." "That is strange," I said and I thought REALLY hard. "HMMMMMM. Alright you know what" "What" "This is interesting to me. And we do not know why ponies dont remember you, which means this a MYSTERY! And because I am the detective, it is my job to solve the mystery. Come with me, pony with the name! I will figure out why nobody remember you." "Okay cool lets go!" said Lyra. "Where are we going?" "I need to test theory," I said "Lets to to Twilights house." So the two of us went to Twilights and knocked on the door. She opened it and said "Oh hello Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world how are you today?" "Im good," I said and I pointed at Lyra. "That is Lyra. Do you know who she is?" "No but it is nice to meet you Lyra." "Okay cool anyway we're leaving now." I said and we walked away from her house. "That was weird, you told me on the way here you met her." "Yes a bunch of times" said Lyra "But she doesnt remember me. And now if we go back she wont remember me again." "Really?" I said and we walked back to the house. I knocked on the dor again and Twilight was there. "Detective jakkid why did you leave? Oh you have somepony new with you now." "Uhhhhh." I said. "This is Lyra, I introduce you to her like 23 seconds ago." "Dont FUCKING LIE TO ME JAKKID!" screamed Twilight and she slam the door. "Shit!" I said. "Youre right! No one remember you!" "See I told you." "But," I said. "Why am I the only one who remember you? This is weird." but then I got a idea. "HEY! Detective idea! How about you write a note for her to read every time she meet you so she knows who you are again." "No that doesnt work." said Lyra. "Okay then send her a e-mail!" "Doesnt work either" "What about carve your name into her skin?" "Nope" "Fuck." I said and I thought hard. "What is differnt about me from ponies? Coudl it be my human mind is just better at remembering?" "Thats racist jakkid," said Lyra. "Shit sorry. Okay well theres gotta be some reason for this. And like any mysterey theres got to be CLUES!" I said and I struck my detective pose. "Time to LOOK FOR CLUES!" "But where" said Lyra. "Uhhhh," I said. "I dont know. I guess we will have to find clues to figure out where to look for clues" SO we started walking and I interviewed her about what was goin on to find out more info mation. "Do you think if you murder a pony they just come back to life after? Or they just stay dead and the witnesses just dont remember seeing you so you get away with it?" "I dont know," said Lyra. "I dont think we should test that" "Yeah good point." I said. But then I got a idea. "I GOT IT" I said so loud it almost killed lyra from heart attack. "I think I know why I remember you!" "What is it?" "Im the author of the story so I have to remember you to write about you." "But that doesent explain why nopony else remembers me!" "ive got an explanation for that too because i'm fucking good." "What is it?" So I puled out my laptop and opened fimfiction.net. "I read this cool story on here called 'Background Pony' which is a lot like your thing that happening. But the important thing is the TITLE!" "Background Pony?" "Currect!" I said and I smashed the laptop on the ground out of exitement but then regreted doing that because it cost me like $600. "The reason no one remember you is because you are a BACKGROUND PONY!" "But how we fix that?" "Simple," I said. "We have to make you into a MAIN CHARACTER like me! Then ponies will rember you." "Okay, but how." "Lets see," I said. "The main charaters are the elemets of harmony because there is six of them and six elements. If you was an element too you could become a main character. But I dont know how we could make you an element." "Maybe it could be posible if I murder one of them and steal their element." "Yeah that could work," I said and I thought hard. "Thats probably ilegal though so I dont think we should do that." "Okay then what else?" "Ive GOT IT!" I said. "WE need to make a NEW ELEMENT OF HARMONY!" TO BE CONTINUED Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 2Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.Detective jakkid166 in Fallout Equestria"Prince Celestia!" said the guard as he bash the dors to Celestias throne room open with his axe. "What is it?" said Celestia. "I am busy not doing anything!" "I have bad as fuck news," said guard. "Equestria is going to WAR!" "WHAT?" said Celestia. "How could this be?!" "It turn out that Pony Russia's president got assasinate, and they blame us. And now were gonna get nuked by them. Kinda like in Hotline Miami 2." "Well shit, that sucks." said Celestia. ~ MEANWHILE ~ "Ahhh perfect," I said hanging up my picture of meself on the wall of the polece station. I was just awarded myself "employee of the month" for the 18th month in a row. "Detective jakkid!" said the intereviewer TV pony reporter who was recording an intervierw video of me. "You got employe of the month again! How do you do it?!" "Well thats what happen when youre the greatest detective in the world," said me. "And also im the only one who works here." "Amazing" he said and he went to go print my interview video in the newspaper. "What a good day," I said. "Now I can sit back and re lax and watch Netflix. Hell yeah boy" so I turned on the TV but something was weird. I had an episode of The Office on netflix but then it CHANGED to the NEWS and the reporter pony said "Special news report! Equestira has gone to war and is about to become nuked to death." "WHAT?!" I said. "What do you mean nuked?" "Well you see Detective jakkid166, Equestria has gone at war with Pony Russia. So we are all gonna die. Make sure to lock the doors to your house before you leave. By dying" "Aw hell!" I said and I ran ouside and saw all the nukes was falling from the sky towards my house. "SHIIIIIIIIIT!" I said so I ran to me car and open the door and jump inside and shut it and roll the windows up and turn off the A.C. Then the nukes HIT THE GROUND and they blew up so hard that my car got blown away, my car got blown so faraway that it actualy went around the entire world and then landed back where it was at the remain of my home. I kicked the door open and looked outside. "Fuck!" I said as I look arond at the desolate waste lands that was left of Equestira. "This is just like that time I went to Arizona. But how am I gonne solve crimes if everyone is dead now?" and so I wept tears out of my face because of tha real ization that I wold never see my old friends again, because they was now blown up in the Nuclear Fuck. I thought back to my friends... Twilight Sparkel, the one who can read. Pinkie Pie, top quality Party planer and Heroin Dealer. Fluttershy, the one who is a pegasus Applejack, the republican. and Rarity, who also existed. "Well crap," I said look around. "I gues I beter get used to living in blown up Equestria, gatherig resources and eating dirt and rocks." so I got in mine detective car and drove it around the waste land looking for stuff like food and water and bottle caps. I saw a gas station so I wet inside to see if I cold not find any bottle caps to use, but then I realized something. "OH NO,' I said. "There will be no bottle caps, because Equestira only used cans soda!" and I cursed the heevens and yelled really loudy. But then I was heard a sound! "WHO DOES THERE?" I grab my gun and point it at myself to take myself hostage incase someone want to shoot me. But then a PONY appeared out of nowhere, who was gray and alive. "Who the heck are you?" she said to me. She had a gun and was pointed it at me and was Very Menacing. "I could ask you same question," I said. "So I will. Who the fuck are you" "My name is Littlepip, but if you dont tell me your name then your name will be Dead." "Im Detective jakkid166, the greatest Detective in the world." "Wait a deetective?" said Littlepip "You ar just what I need!" "Detective jakkid is always what people need," said me and I lower my gun. "But why do you need me?" "For a long time the Waste Land has been suffer under the terror of Red Eyes and his minion, General Almond Leaf. We hav been trying to kill them for years but it doesnt work because they keep being alive." "Wow are they even that bad?" I said. "What kind of crimes do they even do?" "Asault, theft, i think murder a few times too. And they have taken hostage my friends, Calamity and Red Eyes." said Littlepip. "Its realy bad, but maybe since youre a detective you can sentece them to prison for a real long time." "Great idea!" I said "Okay Littlepit I will help you. But where wil we find Red Eyes and Almond Leaf?" "I dont know," said Littlepip. "They probably exist somewhere. We just gotta find them." so me and her went outside into the wastelands to look around for clues like I do because im a detective. Eventually while we was looking we got to a lake and I drank some of the water which made me thirsty. "Im thirsty," I said "Im gonna drink the lake." "Dont do that, it is radiation!" said Littlepip. "But I am THIRSTY!" I said. "Okay then pretend to drink the water so your body think you drank it and stops bein thirsty." "Wow good idea!" I said but when I try to do that, I drink the whole lake on accident "AH CRAP" I said and I was choking on all the radiations in my throat. "Gosh dangit!" said Littlepip and she shove a rad-away down my throat and the radiation stopped being real. "Phew thanks that wasa close one." We kept walkin and I said to her "So what is you tragic back story?" I said. "Well I grew up in the Vault Stable and now I left because to go look for my friend, Velvet Recipe." "Wow," I said. "That remind me a lot of that game, Fallout 3. Because its weird and New Vegas is better." But then someone APPEAR and attack up! FUCK "Shit!" I said and I dive behind a rock. There was a pony who also was had a gun and he was shooting at us like he was some kinda idiot who likes to murder people. Littelpip dove behind too and said "Get behind cover jakkid!" "Ok," I said and I dove behind the rock I was behind. "What ar we gonna do?" The pony was shooting guns at us and shoting rocket launchers and throwing grenades and molotovs and darts and knives and forks at us. "Dont worry," said Littelpip "I got this, I am a skilled marks pony." so she took her gun and aimed at the moon and shot it, and her bulet went up and hit the moon and bounce off the moon and hit the pony's gun and knock it outta his hands. Then littlepip shot her gun at him and his head came off and rolled into some bowling pins nearby and did a strike. "Yeeeah strike!" said Littlepip "WOAH!" I said because I was not prepared for what I saw. "Jesus crapping christ you killed him!" "Yeah thats how it works in the waste land," said Littlepip. "But what if we cold put him in jail? Detective jakkid does not condone the murder of killing." "So what? He was trying to kill us, he deserve it." "NO!" I said "There is no such thing as deserve to die!" "If you dont kill even in self defense then why you have a gun?" "Guns arent for self defense to me. I use guns for other gun things, like interogation or opening Beer Bottles." "Okay wel if we are gonna survive out here we need to kill lots of ponies." "Okay fine," I said "But only you do it. Detective jakkid166 may be loose cannon, but I do not kill yet." "Okay," said Littlepip "But walking sucks. We ned better transport tation." "Yeah well I have just the thing," I said "You see, in the year of February I people invented the best mode of moving around: the CAR!" and I got my keys out and me car drove over to us and got in us and we started driving around. "Sweet this is way faster" said Littlepip. Eventually we kept driving and we got to a place calld Emerald City. It was a town of ponies, but the houses were made of wood and metal and stuf instead of whatever they are normally made from. "Alright this city hasa lot of ponies, which means there is a good chance someone here know where Red Eyes is," I said. "So what we do?" "We interogat them all until we get answers." so then Littlepip punched me in the face and grabed me and shouted "WHERE IS RED EYES?" "Yeah like that," I said with my nose bleeding. "But next time do it to someone who is not me." so we got out of the car and went to the noodle soup shop, which was called Noodle Soup Shop. "HEY!" I said and I slam my fist on the counter and broke it. "What the hell do you want?" said the noodle pony. "Have you seen Red Eyes anywhere?" "Yeah I have but im not gonna tell you if I did or not." "Shit" I said and I look around. Then Littlepip saw next to me was sitting a guy with robot eyes who looked suspiscos. She walked to him and said "Hey you, guy with the red eyes. Have you seen the pony Red Eyes anywhere? He is a big idiot who does murder. He likes murdering ponies so much he even murdered himself once" "Uhhhhh" said the pony "Sorry I dont know who that is. He sound like a dick though." "Damn okay." said me. "Okay maybe this town doesent have anybody who knows about it." "I think I can help you," said a voice from the shadows (not the hedgehog just regular shadows) "Who am I talking to?" I said as a guy came outta the shadows and he was wearin a big black cloak and had a deep craspy voice and looked really evil which meant we did not trust him probably. "I know where Red Eyes is, I can take him to you," he said. "Ok I trust you," me and Littlepip said. So we followed him outta diamond city. "Okay," said him and he point to his van that says "Red Eyes" on it. "He is in there." "Aw sweet!" said Littlepip "Lets go get him!" "Hell yeah" I said and we went in the van. But then the DORS shut behind us and the van WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY exept for a bunch of ponies with weapons who beat us up and tied us up and fucked us up "Aw crap," said Littlepip. "I think the pony might have been lying." "No wait," I said "Lets see where this goes before we jump to conc clusions." ~ LATER TIME ~ The van stoped and the guy open the doors. He pulled me out and I was strugglin to get outta the ropes but he kept punching me in the face to stop me. He dump us on the floor and get in front of us and took off his cloak. "GASP!" I said "Not YOU!" IT WAS wait "Who is that" I asked Littlepip. "That is GENERAL ALMOND LEAF!" she shouted. IT WAS GENERAL ALMOND LEAF! and we were in Red Eyes's BASE! "Hahaha," said Almond "I knewed I could capture you. And now you will all get executed to death by Red Eyes, and the waste land will be ours forever!" "Dang it! How cold he trick us to us?!" Littlepip said in anguish. "I dont speak Anguish," I said "Can you say it in English instead?" "Okay," said Littlepip and she did that but then Almond Leaf understanded what she said and said "NO TALKING!" and shot her in the head. But it was a warning shot so it didnt hurt her. "Here coems Red Eyes!" said one of the guards. And then a pony walk in the room. And it was then I knew why he was called Red Eyes: Because of his robot eyes, which glow a very menacing blue. "Ahahahahah," Red eyes laughed backwards. "Well if it is Littlepip! You and your boyfriend will not solve the wasteland this time." "WHAT?" I said "I am not her boyfriend, for like 1 million reasons! and 999,999 of the reasons are "i do not date ponies"." "Also I'm gay," said Littlepip "Yeah that too." "WHAT?" said Red Eyes "You are both GAY? I HATE gay people because I'm evil. And also bi people and lesbians and straight people." "Well Red Eyes you wont spread you evil gay hating ways on the wasteland!" said Littlepip. "Uhh yeah I will. Youre tied up idiot" "Oh yeah darn." "Now then" said Red Eyes and he aim his gun at us. "This is called a gun, its what kills you." and he FIRED the gun at Littlepips face! "What do we do jakkid?" said Littlepip while the bulet was flying at her. "Dont wory I have a plan," I said. "What kind of plan?" "A DETECTIVE plan!" I said and I JUMP in front of the bullet and it went in ME instead of Littlepip. "Noooo jakkid166!" said Littlepip and she hold my dying body. "How cold you kill yourself on a bullet?!" "Are you fucking stupid?" said Red Eyes "Im killing both of you anyway you dumbass, why would you jump in front of her?" but I wispered to Littlepip and said "Littlepip you must listen to me." "HOLY CRAP JAKKID YOURE ALIVE?" said Littlepip "But the bullet shot you!" "Yes. You see every day I shoot myself to built up an imunity to bulets, so they dont kill me anymore. Now are you ready to escape?" "Heck yeah" said Littlepip and I chewd the bullet I caught in my mouth into the shape of a key and use it to unlock our ropes and we was FREE! "What the fuck?" said Red Eyes "Dammit I shoulda put more than one bullet in me gun! GUARDS shoot them!" so the guards pointed their guns at us and FIRED A BUNCH! I THREW littlepip behind cover and RAN at the bullets and then i JUMPED and the guards shooted upwards at me and the force from the bulets carried me REALLY high into the air and then I came back down REALLY hard and landed on some guards head and knocked him out and took his gun and pointed it at the guards. "HAHA!" I said. "You are outnumberd!" "But there is like 30 of us and 1 of you." said Almond Leaf. "Yeah but you are bad guys which make you negative numbers, and -30 is less than 1." "FUCK hes right!" said one of the guards "We surender!" "Detective jakkid does it again," I said. BUT THEN Red Eyes took onea the guards guns and SHOT and KILLED every signle one of the guards in the room! "Holy fucking shit!" I said "30 murders?! That is like a 8 on the evil scale!" "ENOUGH!" said Red Eyes and he grab Littelpip and point his gun at her. "If I cant shoot you then ill kill her. Unless you kill yoself first, then I will let her go!" "What?" I said "Why wold I kill myself? How stupid does you think I am?" "To save Littlepip so I dont kill her." "Yeah but I dont want to kill myself." "DONT DO IT JAKKID!" said Littlepip "What the fuck is wrong with you I already said Im not gonna do it" I said and I puleld out my Detective Gun and set it to tranquilize. "I have enough of this shit! Red Eyes you are under arrest." "Are you stupid? I still have Littlepip!" said Red Eyes. "Oh my god this the worst fight I ever seen," said Almond Leaf. "Detective Jakkid your life sucks ass." and he left away. so now it was just me in the room with Red Eyes and Littlepip. And the 30 dead guards "Okay you know what" I said and I toss my gun aside. "Red Eyes why dont you fight me like a man?" "Im not a man Im a pony." "Then fight me like a PONY!" "Ok" he said and he drop his gun and went to me. He hold out his hoof and said "May the best pony or whatever you are win." "Agreed" I said and I shake his hoof but it ACTUALY had one of those SHOCK buzzer things on it and it shocked me! "Haha idiot!" he said. "You jackass!" I said and I throw my punches at him but he dodged them then picked them up and threw them back at me. Then he shoot his LASER EYES at me but I hold up a mirror and they bounced off and hit him and took away 15 HP He picked up Littlepip and threw her at me as a weapon but she curved her body into shape of a boomerang and she flew back at him and hit HIM instead and knock him to the ground. He was bout to get back up but I set my fists to Tranquilize and punched him in the face and knock him out for 3 seconds. "Dammit" he said after 3 seconds "I would have win if I didn't lose!" "Yeah yeah okay." said Littlepip and she aim his gun at his head. "Hey jakkid do you wanna do it?" "What the fuck?" I said "No! Cant we just arrest him?" "No," she said "Theres no jail in the wasteland. Its okay though, when hes dead he will be a ghost then he can go do ghost stuff somewhere else." "Oh ok." Little pip aim the gun at Red Eyes. "You are dead now" "What no im not." said Red Eyes, but then littlepip FIRE the gun into his head and shot his head in the face "Oh okay I guess im dead now," said Red eyes and his head EXPLODED from the bullet into like 6 pieces. And then Littlepip shot the head pices and they became even more smaller pieces. Then she shotted those pieces and they became smaller pieces again. Then she did it again "Uhhh you can go wait outside if you want jakkid," said Littlepip "This might take a while" "Yeah okay." so I went outside and looked around at the blown up lands of Equestira I jsut saved from fascism. I breathed in the air. "Ahhh, fresh radioactivity air. My favorite" but THEN a plane came down and landed next to me! The doors opened and who was opened it I saw was I could not belive my EYES! It was Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy and Applejack! "WOAH!" I said and I cry tears of joy! "Holy shit you guys are alive?!" "Uhhh yeah," said Twilight. "Im surpised that YOU are alive!" "Yeah my car is nuclear proof. But how did you guys survive the nucrear blasts?!" "What" said Twilight. "Dident you hear Jakkid?" "No, what?" "Celesita managed to save Equestria by blaming the assasination of Russias president on you. So Russia only nuked your house, no where else." "Wait what in the shitting holy cocky fucky bucky sucky fuck?" I said "That doesent make sense! Look arounds you! Equestria is blown up!" "This isent Equestria, that nuclear explosion actually sent you flying all the way to Pony Australia." "Wait so Pony Australia got blown up then?" "No this is just what its like normally." "Shit" THE END Author's Note Fallout Equestria was writed by Kkat, who is also known for writing Fallout Equestria this story probably isnt canon Detective Jakkid166 in A Canterlot Wedding both part 1 and 2(this based off the MLP episode a canterlot wedding where all the charaters are idiots and twilight is the only smart one. except this is how it happen in my universe) One day during the best season of the year (season 2) I was with Twilight andfriends in the outside, doin really stupid stuff like playing in the grass. I was playing lawn darts with Pinkie Pie and Rain Bowdash, and Raritey and Fluttershy were eating picnic. Applejack had twilight tied up and they was kissing each other for some reason Spike rode his bike over to us and said "GUYS I have a letter!" and he came over and threw up a letter on the ground. "Thanks Spoke." said me the detective jakkid166 who is in this story. I pick up the letter and said "This is adresed to Twilight, but since im a detective I need to inspect it for drugs first." so I open it and tried to read for any words that said "drugs". "What does it say jakkid?" muffled Twilights voice through her ropes "Its from Celesita, and it says your bro is getting married to some french princess girl," I said. "Also she sent you a bag of cocaine." "WHAT?" said Twilight and she unfucked her ropes and grabbed the leter. "This cant be! We gotta get to canterlot fast or we will miss the premeire of this episode!" "You right," said Applejack. "But how we gonna get there? None of us can go on the train because we are poor." "Dont worry," I said. "I can get us there FAST." so we all got in my Detective Car and I drove it to the tran station. I hooked up my car to the train and the train drove up the tracks to Canterlot and dragged us up there. "Wow jakkid," said Twilight. "Its a good thing you are here. Otherwise if you wasnt with us right now we would have never made it." and she tipped me fifty bucks for the ride. "Glad to be service," I said and I put on a hat (not a fedora) and tipped it to her. "Okay guys go away and do other stuff so I can go find my borther," said Twilight. "Except you jakkid, you can come with me for some reason." "Sounds good" I said and we left away. "So Twilight who is you brother?" "He is a guard here at Canterlot and he is station here at the Grand Wall of Canterlot Where Guards Stand On. His name is Shin Ingarmor." "That's a good idea Twilight," I said and we reached the wall. "Wait a miute, there is no ladder here!" said Twilight. "How are we suposed to get on top?" "I got a plan," I said and I went into a outhouse and grabed the toilet plungers. I gave 2 to twilight and we used them to climb up the wall to the top. Once we got close to top there was a pony who point his spear at us and started stabbing my hand and her hooves a lot so we couldnt climb anymore. "HALT GOES THERE!" said the pony. "You ar trestpassing on our property!" "Shining you idiot shut up!" said Twilight. "Its me, Twilight Sparkle who is your sister!" "Oh ok." and he let us get on top and gave us a band aid for our hand wounds. "I guess you guys are come here to see the wedding." and when he said that all of a suden, the girl she was marrying came out and she was standing there. they werent getting married yet, just in the future. Not today. But just from how Twilight cold look at her, she could tell something was wrong! "This is Pirncess Cadence," said Shining Armor. "She is Princess Cadence." "I think you are suspicos," Twilight said to her. "I think you might be evil." "Thats rude Twilight!" said Shining Armor. "Why do you think she is evil?" "Because she is pink, and she wears a crown." "That makes sense, but still you cant say that!" "Okay okay fine!" Twilight said and she cross her arm legs like annoyed. "Hey jakkid do you think something is wrong with Cadence? She didnt even do the butt shaking dance." "Well times change Twilight," said me. "Maybe she dose not want to be a erotic dancer anymore." "Yeah I guess so." ~ LATER ~ I was helping set up the weeding with everyone where I was helping make baked bake with Applejack and Pinker Pie. Pinkie Pie was making good desserts while Applejack was making some german dessert with apples. "Im making Apple strudels partner," said Applejack even though no one asked her "Hey Pinkie I think this cake needs more layers," I said to her. "7 is not enough, we need 1 layer for every pony that is gonne be there." "Ok so you think I should add about 200 more layers?" "Yeah that sounds good." I said and I look at Applejack. "Hey jAcklejack, make sure to make some apple strudels with no apples or strudels in them for peopel with allergies." "You got it portner!" said Applejack. "Man I am good at this. I should get paid" I said. "Wait holy crap I really should get paid. Hold on guys Im gonna be right back I gotta go talk to Celestia." and I jumped out the window and ran to Canterlot Castle. In th meantime, Twilight arrived back at the baking place and said "Hey you idiots guess what? I think Princess Cadence is evil?" "Dumbass," said Rarity. "Princesses cant ever be evil, or queens or kings or princes or whatever. That would be illegal" "Dammit you guys dont believe me!" said Twilight. "Detective jakkid166 doesent believe me either. But I will get evidence! Then I will post it on Myspace for all you to see" and she ran out the door. "Aw hell no," said Fluttershy. "Twilight is going insane." but then they all heard a explosion sound and I crashed in throuhgh the roof and my clothes was all smoking and black. "Hey jakkid166 how did the talk with Celstia go?" said Rainbow. "Uhhhh," I said. "Never mind that. Someone get my clothes to quit smoking before they get lung cancer" ~ LATER TIME ~ "You the hell are we going?" I said to Twilight who I was following (in real life, not on myspace) "We're going go go spy on Candace and Shining so I can proove that they are evil," said Twilight and we got to the door. She pulld out her cell phone and set it to record with the carmera and we peek in through the door their room. "OHHH SHIT" said Twilight "What is happerning??!" cause we saw inside the house was Shining Armor and Pirncess Cadence, exept Cadence was using big MAGIC spells on Shining and punchng him in the face and kicking him and beating him up and throwing him into walls and stuff. "I knewed it!" said Twilight. "Cadence is evil!" "Twilight just because they are into weird kinky shit doesent mean they are evil," I said. "But jakkid are you sure?" said Twilight "Of course im sure," said me. "Im greatest detective, and very smart. I scored a 100 on all my tests, includeing the math test, english test, and IQ test." "Okay jakkid if you say so," said Twilight. ~ LATER AGAIN ~ I was in the canterlot wedding room hall thing while I was tuning mine guitar to prepare for the celbratory Jam Session where me and Celestia and Luna and the Rainbow Dash and friends were gonna perform "Talking Heads" by Burning Down the House. I was gona play Piano and Guitar and Drums and trumpets and saxolin and singing at the same time while the rest wold play whatever other intruments. But just as we was about to Rock On, we was interrupted by Twilight Sparkle who was tryin to get into the doors. But the doors was locked, so Twilight pulled out a key and used it to bash the doorsdown and then she went in. "Alright George im here!" said Twilight. "Cool," said George. "We are about to get started now." and then Cadence and Shining Armor walked up, but they dident want to be rude so they use magic to build new doors and then knocked on those. "Come in," said shining armor and they went in the room with us. But when Shining was walking to us Cadence sneaked behind him and pulled out a knife and stabbed him 51 times "AAAAAARGH" screamed Shining Armor whil he was making blood all over the ground. "OH NO!" said twilighte. "I KNEW it ! Cadence IS evil!" "Twilight how cold you say that?!" said Celesia. "I am ashame of you!" "Yeah!" I said. "I bet you are jealous and wanna marry him instead! No wait hes your brother thats gross. never mind" "But you gotta beleeve me guys!" said Twilight. "Nope," said Luna. "Thou art one dumb ass mother funker." "Yeah," said Shining Armor. "Just cause I got killed doesnt mean im dead." and so everyone was ashame of Twilight and left her alone in the hall and she had to practice her Talking Heads by herself. She pick up a guitar and but she didnt have fingers, so she cry on the guitar strings to make the music. And Cadence but then walked to her and said "Dont worry Twilight, I will play Talking Heads with you." "Aw sweet!" said Twilight and she ready her guitar. But when Cadence starte playing, Twilight realized something is wrong! "Aw shit!" said Twilight. "This is not Talking Heads, this is Death Metal!" "Hahaha" said Cadence. "The death metal will make you die!" "NOOOO" said Twilight but then a green appeared and she got melted into the sucked into the ground. meanwhile I stepped back into tha room and said "Oh sorry Twilight I forgot I left my house in here- WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?" and I saw Cadence death metalling Twilight into obilvion. "NOOOOOO!" I said and I plug my ears. "i HATE death metal!" and I ran at Cadence but she trip me and I fell into the green too. while i was unconscious, i had a dream about something. I dont remember what it was though I toke up in a big cave of crystal next to Twilight. Twilight said "What the fuck is going on" and stood up and then woke up. "I dont know," I said. "I know! Princess Cadence IS evil! I was right the entire time! Now she killed us and we are in hell." "SHIT!" said Twilight. "You right! Jakkid I am sorry we didnt believe you." "Its okay Twilight, but now we gotte escape from hell and tattle on her." so Twilight and me ran down the crystal halls. I found an Oubilette while we was walking, I dont know what a Oubilette is but it sounds cool and magic and useful. I skidded down the hall in my detective Heelys and stoped cause we were at a cliff. "Consarn it!" I said to Twilight. "How we suposed to get across? We cannot walk on air, and its not season 5 so you dont have your wings or horn yet." "Damn youre light," said Twiright. "Wait whats that sound?" and we turn around and saw there were a bunch of ponies going to us. "Oh crap" said Twilight. "It is the brides maids!" "Shit," I said. "I hate maids because they always clean stuff up and make me pay too much money for it. We gotta escape from them Twilight!" so I stood on Twilights back and she also stood on my back at the same time, and we jumped off each other a bunch of times until we went in the air and crosed the gap. We landed at the other side and I said "haHA Idiot bridesmaids! You smell like a bag of diapers that has been used by babies and old people!" and we ran through more the caves. "Wait!" said Twilight said because she saw something out of her eyes. "Whats in that cavern with nothing in it?" "Lets see," I said and we went in there. And sitting in the caverns was drum roll drrdrdrrfdrgfdbgrbfgrbf PRINCESS CADENCE "HEY!" I said "Its the EVIL princess cadence!" and I pulld out my hand cuffs. "Wot?" said Cadence. "I am not evil!" "Oh yeah?" said Twilight. "Then why ded you kill us?" "Because I didnt!" said Cadence. "The one who killed you is actually a evil imposter. I am the REAL cadence!" "Bull shit!" I said. "You ar just copying what happened in Detective jakkid166 Go Equestria Now when I was framed by a clone of myself. You ar under arrest" I said and I handcuff her horn to myself. "Now Twilight lets escape!" "Okey," said Twilight and we ran off. ~ MEAN WHILE ~ "Wedding is now in session for the trial of Princess Cadence and Shitting Armor" said Pricess Celestia. "Is the defense ready?" "Yes," said Shining Armor. "And is the prosecution ready?" "Yeah I think so" said Princess Cadence. "Exellent," said Celestia. "Then put on the wedding rings" so they tried to put on the rings, but they do not have fingers so Cadence put the ring on one of her teeth and Shining put his ring on some other pointy part of his body. "Exellent," said Luna. "I now pronounce you husband and Princess Cadence." "I am so happey," said Shining. "Now I will not be a virgin anymore!" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT" shouted a voice. Shining turned his head 138 degrees to the left and saw who is it? It was ME, along with Twilight and Cadence! "Twilight you idoit why are you still trying to fuck up everything?" said Celestia. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT" shouted me. "I have PROOF that cadence is evil bastard!" "WHAT?" said Cadence. "How is that posible?!" "Simple" I said. And then I look at the cadence I was handcuffe to. But then I look back at the other cadence. And then back to my handcuffed cadence. "Wait" I said "What the fuck. How are there two cadence?" "Thats a fake Cadence!" said my cadence. "She is evil!" "WHAT?" I shouted at her. "WHY DIDENT YOU TELL US THAT YOU IDIOT?" "I forgot" "HAHAHA!" Screamed the evil cadence. "Fools, it are too late! We are already married!" "Damn" said Armor. "Now im gonna have to get divorced." "Hahaha" said Cadence "Hahahahahaha hahaha aha ahhahaaha ha ha aha ha ha ah aha ahaha ha." "Wait!" said George. "If you are not the real Cadence, who are you?" "Haha haha ha", said Evil Cadence. "Hahah aha, I am not the real cadence, but instead, I am not the real cadence!" she said and she RIPPED HER FACE OFF "Oh no, not YOU!" I said. "Who are you" "My name is Queen Crystalis!" she said. "And I am the Queen of the Chonglongs!" "You look like a bug or some ugly thing that looks like a bug," I said. "So what are you gonna do now? You are surrounded on all 4 sides except for 3 of them." but then a whole ARMY of changelings busted in! there was Marine changelings and navy changelings and air force changelings. A changeling stepped out and said "My name is General Change Ling and I am here to lead the changling army to destruction!" "Hahaha ah ha ha," said Queen Chrysalis. "My Changeling army will set out and do super evil changeling stuff! Like whatever evil stuff it is that we do." "Hey idiot!" said Celestia and Chrysalis turned around and punched Chrysalis in the face. "OW" said Chrysalis. "What the fuck dude?" Celestia: You wil not take my kingdom of Cequestria! I will fight you and you will lose! "Fine," said Krisalis. "Lets do this shit!" so Celestia and Cadence both put Boxing Gloves on and stepp into the ring. I was the referee and also went in there and said "Alright you two this is the match for all tha money! The rules are no kicking, no biting, and no punching. Now FIGHT!" "Wait" said Celestia. "Can there be a rule where only I am allowed to win?" "Sure that too," I said. "Now ROUND ONE: FIGHT!" So Celestia threw a uppercut at Chrysalis but Chrysalis grabbed celestias hoof and put it bac on her own face and she punched herself. But then Chrysalis grabbed Celestia and suplex her into the ground. But Celestia was ready, so when Chrysalis did that she actually was upside down and landed on her hoofs. Then she grabbed a ladder and climbed up it and jumped off and kicked Chrysalis in the face and punched her in the wing and bit her on the ass. "Bitch!" said Chrysallis and she punched Celestia in the sholder. "HEY!" I said. "Puching is not allowed! Queen Chrisalis is diqualified from existing." "Hell!" said Chresalis. "I forgot about that." "Its a good thing only I am allowed to win," said Celestia. "Wait" I said and I looked at the rules paper I wrote on and I saw that instead of only Celestia being allowed to win, I was actually accidentally wrote Chrisalis instead! "Aw shit" "OH NOOOOOOO" said Celestia and she was knockout. "HAHAHAHA ha ha HA AH Aha!" said Chrosalis or whatever her name is. "Now with the magic of punching people in the face I can take over Canterquestria!" "Not so fast criminal scum," said I. "You arent gonna do this if I have anything to say about it." "What do you have to say about it" "You suck fucko!" and I took out my gun. "You are under arest!" and I shot vullets at her. But her body has holes in it, and so the bullets just went through the holes. "Dang it," said me. "My aim is so good its making me miss." "Hahaha ha ha ha ah ahahahhaha," said Chrysalis. "Now that I am princess, I can steal the royal budget and spend it all on evil things like hacks for Mine Craft." "NO!" Applejack shoute. "She will ruin my server! Someone do something!" "Shining Armoire!" said Twilight. "You gotta use your spell to blast the changelings to hell!" "I cannot Twilight," said Armor. "I am too weak because I have been doing too many reps at the gym. I am tired" "Dammit" said Twilight. "Why do you suck at everything? Now we gotte get the elements of harmony." but THEN General Change Ling sneaked up behind Twilight and hand cuffed her to herself, so she coulde not move away from herself to go find the elements. "Haho," said Change Ling. "Queen Chrysalis will win! Did you know she is called Queen Chrysalis because her favorite band is Queen?" "Wow I did not know that, it is cool trivia" I said and I pulledout my laptop and went on the MLP wiki to edit it in. "Alright anyway what were we doing? Oh yeah. You are a bad guy so fuck you." so I assume me fighting stance. "Aww yeah I love fighting," said Change Ling. "What fighting style you use?" "I use Street Fighter style and also a little bit of Tekken to spice it up. And also Injustice 2 and smash bros." "Yeah well I do MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE!" said Change Ling and he pulld out a knife. It was the kind of knife that was made of metal and has a handle and a blade on it, but also the kind of knife that can also shoot bullets if he uses a gun. "Shit," I said to him. "That is deadly weaponry. Detective jakkid166 does not fight lethal, so I will fight with honor." so I went to a suit of armor at the wall and grabbed the Non Lethal Battle Axe it was holding. "Alright lets do this" so Change Ling ran up to me and jam his knife down my throat, but I was actually practiced Sword Swallowing techniques so I didnt get hurt. So I instead pulled the knife out and threw it at him non lethally and it knocked one of his teeth out. "Aww YEAH!" said Change Ling. "I am gonna get a quarter from the tooth fairy tonight. Thanks jakkid" "No problem" I said and we kept fighting. This time I made sure to be super yeah. Change Ling ran at me and I used the axe like a baseball bat and shouted "FORE!" and hit him so hard he crashed through one of the realy expensive stain glass windows and got knock out. "Dammit," said Twilight "That was a cool fight, I wish I was part of it." I walke up behind twilight and open her handcuffs. "Dont worry. Remember Twilight, the important thing is you Trylight. But I may still have plan up my pants." and I pulld out my guitar, and the oubilette I found earlier. "What are we gonna use that for jakkid?" said Twilight. "Remember how we was gonna play music?" I said. And Twilight nodded because finaly she understood what I was saying at, jesus christ it took her long enough. LIke 2 seconds So I pointe at Chrysalis and said "HEY IDIOT!" "What the hell you want?" said Khrysalis. "You mayhav the power of magic, but I have something with even more power. The power of MUSIC!" and I pulld out my guitar sticks, and I also took out the Oubilette and shoved it into my guitar to make it more powerful. "Hahaha ha ah aha ah aha ha haa ha," said Chrysalis. "Idiot mortal, your music is not powerful enough to defeet us!" so I lookt to Twilight and nodded. I looked at Rainbow Dash who was on drums, and Applejack who was playing the Apple Accordion, and Rarity who played the piano man, Pinkie Pie who played Doom 3 on the switch, and Fluttershy who played the instrument that makes music. Twilight and I was lead vocals and I was guitar. I strummed some bars and said "HIT IT!" and rainbow dash started drumming "IM AN ORDINARY GUY BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE" and we JAMMED it so hard that it was like jelly. "oh NO!" said Christalis. "You dident tell me you had TALKING HEADS! The music is too GOOD!" and the sound waves was so pwoerful it started to blast her and her change dlings out of Canterlot. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Chrisalis as she was being blasted away over the forza horizon. "WAIT!" said Shining Armor. "What" said Chrysalis and she stopped being blasted away. "What do you want" "I need you to sign these divorce papers," said Shining Armor and he held them up into view. "Oh dammit fine" ~ LATER TIME ~ I was at the after wedding party where Shining Armor and the Probably Real Cadence were just got married. It was very profound event, because them getting married was actualy what symbolizes them getting married. I said that to Celestia and she give me 3 nobel prizes "Hey Bar Tender give me a drink" I said to the bartender whose name was Bar Tender. "What kind of drink?" he said. "Alcohol" "What he fuck is alcohol?" he said. "Alcohol is a drink that taste really bad and make you feel sick," I said. "Its very popular" "Yeah well we dont have that," said him. "We do have gasoline though" "Okay sure close enough" I said and I got a glass of that. And then Shining Armor went up to me and said "Hey jakkid thanks for saving Equestria again." "It was no problem" said me. "Using music magic to blast away evil shape shifting bugs is jsut part of every detectives job." "Well jakkid do you think you can give us some your music again tonight? This wedding is boring becaus everyones music taste sucks. We need someone who can tell us about music that is good, instead of crappy pony music" "I got you covered bro," I said at him. so I pulled my guitar out of me pocket and went on stage. "Hello Everyone, I am Detective jakkid166 and this is my band, "Detective jakkid166 and the people who are not Detective jakkid166". We are going to play romantic songs so romantic that it will make you want to all get married to each other. and me and Twilight and the rest of them started the chord of "Rock and Roll With Me" by David Bowie. we played the music as the camera look up and zoomed into the stars in the sky and then the stars moved to form these words THE END Detective Jakkid166 in Rainbow Factory(WARNING: This story is much darker than some others i wroted! its not enough to be rated M but it still might have sad stuff in it. if you cry on your keybord and ruin your keyboard or your laptop or flood your house of tears and drown in it do not complain to me please.) "Hahahaha!" laughed rainbowdash evilly. She was with her workers in the rainbow factory about to turn a bunch of ponies into rainbows for some reason. "Any last word Scootaloo?" "Yeah" "What is it then?" "That was it." "Oh okay cool" and she went to go push the lever to dorp scootaloo into the Rainbow Grinder but then she stopped. "Wait do you hear that Dr. Atmosphere?" "Yeah I do," said him. "My name is Dr. Atmosphere." But then the doorbell rang! "Wait what" said Rainbow "Dammit! We was almost going to blend up the ponies into rainbows! Who even is at the door?" and she went and open the door and standing there was ME, Detective jakkid166! "What the hell?" said Rainbow "Detective jakkid why are you here?" "Hi Rainbow" I said "I'm here to give the monthly suprise health inspector investigation." "Shit I forgot about that!" said Rainbow. "Okay well you cant come in right now." "Why not?" "Because we are closed." "But all the lights are on!" I said. "Yeah the off switch for the lights broke." "But the sign says its open!" "No it only looks like that, but its actually pony language for "closed"." "But there is a guy on the roof who keeps scraeming "THE RAINBOW FACTORY IS OPEN RIGHT NOW"." Rainbow pulle out a gun and shot him and he died, but she had a silencer on it so I dident notice it. "No there isnt." "Hmm" I said "Okay fine I will come back another day." But then as I was gonna walk away and jump off clouds dale, a red pony come up and whisper something to Rainbow Dash. I didnt hear it but he said "Wait Rainbow, if we let him investogate and dont let him see anything bad he will leave us alone!" "Oh yeah good point." said Rainbow "Okay jakkid come on, you can investigate. But first you have to put on this Hard Hat and murder-proof vest" she said and she put them on me. "Sonds good," I said and I got out my clip board. "Okay so first question: How do the rainbow factory operate?" "Uhhh," said Rainbow "Let me show you." and she press a lever and lights turned on to show a giant blender. And there was a pony on top of the lid all tied up and stuff "Wow thats a big blender," I said. "So how this work?" "First we need to put the pony in the blender," said Rainbow. so she hit a lever and the pony fall into the blender but it wasn't on so nothing happened to her. "Okay what next?" "In this next part you have to look behind you. The rainbow is dangerous for you eyes" "Alright cool" I said and I turned around. Once I turned around the pony was gone and there was rainbows pouring out of the blender! It was beatufil and amazing. "Wait," I said "Where did the pony go?" "Today is her retirement," said Rainbow. "She went to live in Nepal and never ever talk to anyone again so dont try to find her." "Oh cool I hope she has a happy life." I said. "So what do you do with the rainbow now?" "We use the rainbow to make rainbows." "Interesting!" I said "I never wold have thought of that. Well it looks like this Rainbow Factory is operate under full condition. I will be back until the next suprise inspection. But for now you guys get a A+." "Okay cool" said Rainbow "So you are going to leave now?" "Yep," I said "But one thing first. I had taco bell this morning, I gotta go Dump Ass. Where is your rest room?" "Oh its down the hall past the sign that says 'torture room'" said dash. "Thanks" I said and I went into the hall and into the bathroom. "Exellent," I said and I cracked my knucles. "Time to dump." But then i realized something was very not correct! The bathroom was DIRTY! "WHAT" I said and I took out my clip board "This is unappeptable! I cannot give this place pass anymore." so I went back out of the bathroom and back to Rainbow and hte other workers and said "Rainbow Dash your bathroom sucks ass. Unfortunately you plant does not pass, and I will have to call in a inspection either from Princess Celestia or Princess Luna or Princess Applejack" "WHAT?!" said Rainbow "No you cannot let them investigate this place!" "Sorry but it is the law" I said and I went to leave but then the doors LOCKED. "What on fuck?" I said and I looked back at Rainbow but she looked evil now and she had blood on her face and that wasn't good. "Detective jakkid I gave you chance to leave but now," she said "We will have to kill you and blend you up into rainbows!" "WHAT!" I said "But I dont have rainbows inside of me! Only blood" "Then they will be red rainbows. GUARDS arrest detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world!" But as the two guards came to grab me I jump on one of their heads and use it to launch myself off his head and kick the other guard in the face and I backflip onto a railing above! "Fuck!" said Rainbow "Someone who can fly go get him!" so Dr. Atmospere got onto the railing and faced me and said "You idiot if you destroy the factory cloudsdale will not have rainbows anymore!" "So fucking what? Why are rainbows so important" "Uhhhhhhh" he said "Shut up" and he tried to punch me but I jumped into a vent and climbed in the vents. "Dammit" he said and he could not get in because he was too fat. "Jeez" I said while walking through the vents. "I cant believe this place is about killing ponies to make rainbows. But I will put stop to it! I just gotta escape so I can go to Celestia and tell on them." so I went through the vents more and I found a part of the vents that was big like a room! It had a couch and a TV and a kitchen and bathroom. On the couch was a pony named I don't know "Who the hell are you?" said her. "Im detective jakkid166," I said. "Im trying to escape so I can tell Celestia about the TRUE intention behind this factory!" "Hey me too!" said her. "My name is Scootallo and all my friends are dead." "That sucks." I said. "Oh well. Anyway lets escape! Do you know how to get out?" "No," said Scootaloo "So Ive just been living in this vent with my TV and Nintendo Switch and stuff." "That is terrible!" I said "If you been stuck here this whole time thats like being in jail, which means its like she arrested you! And shes not a detective so she cant do that. That is ANOTHER law she is breaking! Dont worry Scoopaloo we will get you outta here." "Okay but how?" "We look for exit!" "But what if we get caught" I pulled out my gun "Dont worry I can protect us." ~ LATER ~ We were climbing thorough the vents and we got to a vent that was a bove a room. I looke through the vent and the room had Rainbow Dash in it! "Dammit you idiots" said Rainbow "You better find jakkid or else I will grind you into rainbows too!" "Yes sir" said the guards and they ran off. "I do not like Rainbow Dash anymore," said Scootaloo. "Okay well dont worry," I said "I can get the information on how to escape from her." "How?" "With sublimimal messaging!" I said and I made abig booming voice. "RAAAAINBOW DAAAASH! I am GOOOOOOD, AND i am telling you to SAY HOW TO GET OUT OF THE FAAAAAAACTORY" "Oh no it's God?!" said Rainbow "Okay I will say it. First you have to- WAIT A MINUTE!" she said, because Rainbow realized it could not be god, because Rainbow was an atheist! "DETECTIVE JAKKID!" Rainbow said and she started to fly up to the vents! "Fuck!" I said and I grab scootaloo and jump through the vent and land on Rainbows head and knock her unconsus and we all fell to the ground. "Haha," I said and I grabbed the key card off of Dash's neck. "We can use this to uncock the doors and escape!" "Sweet!" said Scoot So we ran outta the room we were in and into the halls of the place but there was lots of guards around and they saw us! "HEY ITS DETECTIVE JAKKID AND WHOEVER THE PONY IS!" said a guard "Quick KILL THEM" and they all pulledout machine guns and shot at us and we was runnign through the halls and I was matrix dodging the bullets while they flew through the airs. "Fuck you idiots!" I said and I grabbe a trash can lid and throw it at them and all of their bullets hit the trash can lid and bounce off and hit them instead and they all got shot! "HELL YEAH!" I said "Wait a minute did they die? Fuck I didnt wanna do that. Goddammit now i gonna have to arrest myself for murder!" "No its okay the bullets only hit our legs," one of the guard said. "Oh cool." "jakkid we need to escape!" said Scootaloo. "Oh right" I said and I ran to the end of the hall was the emergency exit. I scan the keycard and open the door and we run out of the factory, but there was the problem! THE RAINBOW FACTORY IS ON A FUCKING CLOUD "Shit!" I said looking off the edge at the ground "How arr we gonna get back to the ground without dying of fall?" "Shit I dont know" said Scootaloo "I cant even fly!" But then Rainbow Dash and Dr Atmosphere and guards ran up to us. "Detective jakkid there is nobody to run!" said Rainbow. "Thats what you think" I said and I pulledout my gun and aime it at them. "Stay away or I will shoot! Detective jakkid166 is a loose cannon" "Detective jakkid listen to me!" said Dr. Atmosphere "We are not bad guys! We just need to make rainbows, and we grind up ponies to go with the rules of naturel selection!" "What the hell?" I said "Thats not how natural selection works. How many fucking stupid are you?" "Zero stupid!" He said and he pulled out a gun and Rainbow did too and we was at a standoff. "You idiots is just murderers!" I said. "You kill ponies and also hurt them! And murder them! And kill them" "It is for the good of cloudsdale!" said Rainbow "No its not you are lying to yo self." I said. "NOOOOO!" said Atmosphere and he was having Conflict of Mind. "Wait Rainbow what if they are right?" She got mad and was like "You idiot dont listen to them!" she put the guns in his hoofs and said "Dr Atmosphere, shoot them on the count of 3!" "Okay." "ONE!" I looked at Scootyloo. "Are you thinking what im thinking?" "I dont know maybe. "TWO!" and we JUMPED OFF THE EDGE! "What the shit?!" said Rainbow "Why didnt you shoot them?!" "You said to wait until you count to 3." "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" Meanwhile me and Scootaloo were FALLING TO THE GROUND! "What were you thinking JAKKID?!" said Scoot "Quick!" I said "Grab my hand and try to fly up as much as you can!" "Okay" she said and she did that but I was so heavy. "Dammit jakkid you eat too many burgers today!" "Wait theres more!" I said and I took out my gun and shoot at the ground to slow us down but we was still falling too fast! "Shit what else can we do?" "Wait I have an idea!" said Scootaloo and she PUNCHED me in the stomach and made me throw up my lunch and it made me lighter! "SHIIIT WE ARE HITTING THE GROUND!" I said while we were hitting the ground. But we was just barely slowed down enough so we didnt get hurt very much! I slamme into the ground and scootaloo landed on top of me. "Goddamn!" I said and I got up "We did it!" But then the lunch I threw up landed on my head. "AAAAGH EWW!!" I said wiping it off my face. "Haha lol," said Scootaloo. "Alright lets go see Celestia!" "Yeah that sounds cool," I said "But first I gotta go take a shower." So we did that and then went to the train to Cnetloer We got off the train and went to Celestia's house and knocked on the door to her throne room. "CELESTIA i have bad news I need to tell you!" She opened the door "What is it jakkid? Im trying to make mac and cheese right now!" "You can do that later! I have important report from the Rainbow Factory inspection!" I said and I grabbed my clip board and gave it to her. She looked at the clipboard. "What the FUCK?" she screamed. "The BATHROOM IS DIRTY?" "Yeah, but also they have been murdering innocent children ponies to make rainbows!" "Oh yeah thats bad too." ~ THE NEXT DAY ~ I went back up to the Rainbow Factory (i used the cloud elevator) and saw that it was now being shud down. Princess Luna was arresting Dr Atmosphere and Rainbow Dash for their crimes, and all the impirsoned ponies was being set free. "You idiot!" said Rainbow "Now cloudsdale will die as fuck!" "So what?" I said "I dont care. Being in the air is stupid anyway, just live on the ground like normal people." They got put in the pony police car and was drove away. "Detective jakkid," said Celestia "You did a good job exposing the Rainbow Factory for its crimes." "Yes," I said "It is a happy ending!" "But wait," I said "How long was this place like this?" "For like 10 years aparently," said celestia. "I guess nobody noticed all those ponies went missing to death." "You guys suck at your job," I said. "Yeah well fuck you too," said Celestia and she went to go do other stuff. "Well" I said and I looked up directly at the sun. "Another mystery solved. Wait why can I not see anything anymore?" THE END Author's Note special thanks to Zaten the Changeling for give me the title for this story.
Detective Jakkid166 in Story of the BlanksOne day I was doin some good mountain hiking on the othere side of the ENTIRE world of Equestria. It was a really cold and bigger mountain, so big that my legs got tired from walking up so much but it was fine cause I was wearing a jacket. But then I was schchocked to find that I got a phone cell on my cell call. I heard my ringtone so I opened my phone and said "Hello who is this?" "Detectives jakkid!" said Twilight and she waved at me. "I need you to come the heck over here to and go to the everfree forest and help me chop down trees so I can make juice from them." "What?" I said "But those trees is only leaves and wood." "Yes, I'm going to make leaf juice and wood juice." "But I'm on the other side of the world right now." "I don't care come back here or else I will demote you to a not detective." "Okay," I said and I hung up and walked back to Ponyville. I went to Twilights house and Knocked the door open and she opened the door and I climbed inside through the window. "Okay dokay" said Twilight and she had a axe but she only had 1 axe so she gave me a fork to help chop the trees with. "Now lets go chop it good" So Twilight and me went out of the everfree forest into the everfree forest to chop lots of trees. "Remember jakkid Don't chop too many or else you will be deforestation," said Twilight. And she used her magic to use the axe to chop a tree and it fell onto the gravity. "Yeah okay" I said and I stuck my fork in a tree to try and cut it but it was really hard cause it was a fork and the tree was big, and it made me look like I was trying to eat the tree. "Jakkid stop trying to eat the trees" said Twilight and she threw the axe at me and I caught it and I was better at chopping trees now cause of the axe made me about to be look like a lumperjack. I threw tha axe at a tree and it sliced it down the middle all the way and then it came back in the air like a boomerang and I caught it and chopped both halves off into Twilights wood wheelbarrow she brought with us. "Alright thats enough wood" said Twilight and we became walking back out of the forest. But for some reason we couldnt find our way out, because we were LOST! And it wasn't my fault because theres lots of trees and Twilight is a pony which means shes supposed to have a really good memory. "Its too bad I cant fly" I said cause I didnt have wings unlike alecorns and pegasus. I did have a can of red bull but that doesnt really give you wings not like it says on the can. Also it tastes bad and its expenseive and it doesent even make you really energy. One time I drinked 3 cans before bed because I had none other drinks, and it only made me stay up for like 3 days and I fell back sleep again. And so I tried to returne it at the store but then the guy was like "Youc ant return food you already drank" and so I had to not money. It was sucked the dick. "Wait," said Twilight because I was walking too fast and she wasn't could keep up with me. "I see a town over there!" "Hahaha," I laughed hahaha ha. "There's no towns in the everfree forest stupid." "Yeah there is," said Twilight and she pointed at the town we were now inside of. "Oh shit youre right," I said. "How the shit did we get here? I don't even map." "I don't know," said Twilight. "We better talk to the ponies and see if they can give us directions back to hell." We went in thetown and there was a town in the forest and it had lots of ponies in it. But for some reason the ponies wasn't had any cutie marks and also they were really sad about somethign cause something happened that made them sad. I dicked up to them and said "HEY idiots what are you so sad about? Dont worry I'll make you happy. I am stand up comedy" "But jakkid we're ponies we don't know how to stand up." said Twilight. "Oh right." But then one of the ponies walked to me and said "Hey everyone look its Detective Jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world!" and everyone was like "What are you doing here?" "Wow you know who I am?" I said "Yeah cause we saw you on TV and also that movie you was starred in, and also those fanfictiones you write. But we need your help, Jetective." "Perfect" said me "Give me money and ill help you." And so they paid me money and then they all said at once "Ok so this pony got murdered and we dont know who did it," they said and they did stuff. "What pony?" "In that house," a guy said and he point at a house and it wa s spookylooking. "You and also your friends have to go in now." "Ok sounds good to me" I said and we went in the house through the window cause the chimney was locked. "Wait a minute" said Twilight "Wheres the dead pony?" "Idk" said me "Wait a minute I smell something." "What" "It smell like bones." "What" So I went ova to the fireplace and looke in it and there was bones. PONY BONYS! "AHHH SHIT!" said Twilight "Why is THAT? You causa the fuck murder? ITs a pony." But then it all got all DARK and flash player so I was like "okay guys Something is wrong here we all gotta get outta the towna fast." So we went out the chimney and off the roof and back into town but for some reason it was got all dark and the trees was black and the red was ground. "Shit this is spooky" I said but then we got back at the town and everything was got all rundown and shit and the houses were dead and the ponies were black and looke like fried chicken. "youuuu must JOIN US" said one of the black zombie ponies. "Okay but only if you join the jakkid166 fan club" I said. "No" "Shit" I said and we all ran ofe. But then we was SURROUNDED by the ponies that had no blankie marks and were black and charr. "Dammit Twilight you idiot what do we do now?" "I dont know Jakkid i thought haloween was like a week ago." she said. "Yeah what the fuck" I said "Why are you guys still costumes?" "These are not costumes Dumb Ass" said a pony "We are going to make you a zombies like us." And then they closede in on us and but then I was like "STOP!" and I pulled out my detective badge. "What?" they all said. "I'm detective jakkid166 and you are all under arrest for being zombies." I said. "SHIT!" They said but it was too late. I handcuffed them all and arrested them and all of them ponies of the town got arrested and I put them in the middle of town and called the Pony Police so they could come take them to jail. "Another problem solved by Detective Jakkid166" said me. I swapped my hands and then said "Hey Twilight you wanna get something to eat? I realy want fried chicken now" "Sure" said Twilight and we left to go do that. I pulle out my wallet to get the money the zombie ponies give me but when I open it it was ZOMBIE MONEY! "AWWWWWW SHIT" THE END
Detective jakkid166 in Cupcakes(this story is not canon) One of the days of daying, I was the detective who is jakkid166. It was a bright day, of the sun was not became the moon yet, where the wind was blowing through the breeze. “Ahhh,” I said, drinking the air into my lungs. “I love the smell of Ponyville. It smells like horses” I looked at a pony who was Walking Down The Sidewalk (which is the name of a good music album) and her hair looke dlike frosting so I was reminded by that that I was hungry. So I decided the best place to go was the Sucar Cube Gorner. I pulled my bike out of my pocket and rode it to the place that was Sugartube Corner and I rode in through the door and I sat in a chair. But to my own surprise, no one was THERE! “wtf the fuck?” I said and I looked around at my eyes. “How long does it take to get SERVICE AROUND HERE?” And I saw a bell on the counter and I took out my gun and shot it and it BIM a BANG And the very moment the bullet bounced off the bell and bounced off my glasses, the counter spitted up a Pony and it was Pinkie Pie. “WHEEEEEEEEE” SCREAMED PINKIE PIE “HELLO DETECTIVE JAKKID!^^ HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? YOU ARE THE FIRST MY CUSTOMER OF THE DAY TODAY SO THAT MEANS YOU GET FREE FOOD.” i took my figner off the shift key and said “oh sweet cool. i will take 3 cups of cake” “Alright” said Pinkie and she handed me 3 cups with cake in them. “Sweet” I said and I drink the cake. Now I was going to go do my Detective Job, but then I remembered im on Fall break so I didnt have to do it. Later on Rainbow Dash entered the place through my the front door of the my Pinkie Pie’s my house. Pinkie Pie’s house “Oh hey Rainbow” I said and I waved at her but I was holding the cupe cake when I did it and I accidentally threw the cupcake at her and it smashed on her head and gave her 3 concussions. “Thanks Jakkid” said Rainbow. And she went to go to buy a food desert. “Hey jakkid you should leave out now,” said Pinkie. “We are closed.” “Alright” I said. “Come on Rainbow lets go somewhere else now.” “NO!” said Pinkie. “Rainbow has to stay so she can buy her cupcake.” “But you said youre closed.” “No Rainbow is our last customer.” “Okay then I’ll wait until she leaves too” “No Jakkid LEAVE NOW!” And I pulled out my Badge and said “Don’t yell at me or I will arrest you for detective yelling!” “God fuck damn it” said Pinkie. “Fine” And she gave Rainbow a cupcake and she ate it. And I stared at Rainbow really intently, so hard intently that her fur started to burn. But then Rainbow CALLAPSED on the GROUND! “What you fuck?” said me. “What happened to Rainbow?” "She got really tired from being so full, she is a sugar comma," said Pinkie. "Im gonna go put her in bed so she can sleep out the cupcake." And she picked up Rainbow and took her downstrairs to the basement. "Im gonna put her in the hot room so she can sweat the cupcake out of her sweat holes" "Cool" I said and I ate some more of my cupcake because nothing was wrong. ~ LATER ~ I was still in the Sugarcube playing on my PS Playstation Vita V and playing Danganronpa on it because it sucks. But then I heard a SOUND! "Oh sweet my lunch is ready" I said and I went and opened the micorwave and took out my Trader Joes Chicken Curry microwave meal I brought with me from my world. I opened it and was bout to Chow Down but then I realized something. "What is that not curry smell I smell?" I smelled. So I went over to the basement staircase while eating my curry, but there was a Big Locked Door that was locked with 16 locks. "Wow that's a door," I said. "And it's locked with 16 locks." And I took a bite of my curry with some rice. "I wonder whats behind it" But then I heard a SCREEEEEAM! "WHAT" I said and I took another bite and got out my detective badge and showed it to the door. "Door, I am Detective Jakkid166 and I demand you let me in right now." But the door did not open, so instead I took m y detective lock pick out of m ypockets and started lockpicking the lockpick door. I kept lockpicking all the locks but it was taking forever. So instead I reached into my tool box and got my SUPER LOCK PICK which is just a big hammer. I smashed the locks a bunch and I kept hearing screams but I finally uncocked the door and OPENED IT AND DASHE DTHEFUCK INSIDE But when I got in there what I saw was the most sockening sight of my life. It was the sight of Pinkie Pie, she was covered in blood and also gross stuff that I cant say the name of cause I dont want the story to be rated M. "Pinkie Pie what are you doing? Who is screamin? Why is your hair fat" But then Pinkie pulled a gun and said "Get out Detective jakkid or else I will kill you." But then I pulled MY gun and shot her gun out of her hand hoof and said "No you cannot do that. Now why are you covered in blood?" But then I saw on the table, there was RAINBOW DASH! And she was becomed a DEAD! "Whooooooa" I said. "What heppened to Rainbow Dash?" "She tripped and fell on my chain saw and all her insides fell out," said Pinkie. "Damn that sucks" said me. "How did she get strapped to the chair?" "Uhhh thats my secret surgery chair I used to try and surgery save her life." "Damn that sucks that you couldnt save her. Its okay Pinkie you are a hero" and I gave her an honor airy detective badge of honor. "The last question of the mystery" I said "Is how did she fall unconsious onto your chainsaw?" "Oh right" said Pinkie "I think the cupcake she ate had somethi ng in it." "WHAT?" I said and I was angry. "What could that be?" "Maybe drugs?" "THAT" is not acceptable I pulled out my drug testing kit to make sure. I picked up some of Raindead Dash's blood off the floor and put it in the testing machine, and the machine tested it POSITIVE for SLEEPING DRUGS! "Rainbow what have you done???" I said and I was disapointed at her. "Winners dont do drugs! Except weed" "Well now what?" said Pinkie and she looked at the flies around Rainbows body. "Now I've gotta arretst her for doing drugs," I said and I got my handcuffs out. "What" said Pinkie "But im not done surgerying her yet!" "Sorry but it is the law." And so I pulledout my hand cuffs and handcuffed her and pulled her off the table and dragged her to the door. "Wait what jakkid where are you going?" said Pinkie "Youre on fall break remember?" "Yeah but she did drugs, I have to arrest her. Besides if I dont arrest enough people I might get fired" so I pulled the dead Rainbow out the door and took her to the police station and they put her body in a prison cell and she had to do ten years. THE END
Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 1Author's Note This story is base off "background pony" by shortskirtsandexplosions. Its a good story I recomend it unless you get sad easy: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/19198/background-pony Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 1 One day I was doin my not daily detective walk through the town of Ponyville to make sure no crimes were happening. I was listening to Michael Jackson music on my Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge phone and I got so into it that I starte moonwalking downtown and doing michael Jackson moves. But then I accidentally did the move where he grab his crotch and everyone saw it. "Dont look at me like that youre being disrespectful to good music" I said and I took my earphones out and kept walking while everyone stare at me. But I was walking I heard there was a different music. It flewtered into my ears and made my heart beat so much it almost came out of my mouth. I listened to my ears and saw the direction it was coming from: There was a pony and she was playing some instrument I dont know what its called. I walked to the her and said "Hey that is some damn good fuckin music you playing." I saw she had a hat of money on the ground so I took out 50 detective dollars and put them in the hat. "Thanks" she said. "Wait what kind of money is this" "Detective dollars. For 500 of them you can have me arrest anyone you want" "Oh okay cool." she didnt really want it but she wanted to be nice anyway. "Anyway," I said and I pulled out my phone to look at a picture of my watch to see what time it is. "Nice to meet you, pony. WHat is your name?" "My name is Lyra Heartstings. You wont remember it though." "Pfft," I laughed in english. "Detective jakkid166 remembers every one he meets. My memory is like an elephant. Very big and gray" "No its true nobody ever remembers me." "Dont worry," said me. "I will remember, if I don't forget. Anyway I gotta go do detective stuff so bye." ~ THE NEXT DAY ~ I came back to the place again and Lyra was there again playing her instru ment. I walked up to her and said "Hey Lyra how you doing?" "WHAT THE FUCK?" said Lyra and she THREW the instrument at me and it bounced off my head and lande back in her hooves and she caught it and put it on the ground. "You REMEMBER ME?" "Yeah," I said. "They call me Memory Man for a reason" "What who calls you that?" "THEY do!" I said. "Anyway I told you id remember you. How cold I forget such amazing musical note creations?" "But no one ever remembers me" said Lyra. "Even when people remember me they forget me because they dont remember me. I dont know why" "Wait what?" I said and I put my chin on my knee to help me think beter. "You mean every one you meet forgets you?" "Yeah." "That is strange," I said and I thought REALLY hard. "HMMMMMM. Alright you know what" "What" "This is interesting to me. And we do not know why ponies dont remember you, which means this a MYSTERY! And because I am the detective, it is my job to solve the mystery. Come with me, pony with the name! I will figure out why nobody remember you." "Okay cool lets go!" said Lyra. "Where are we going?" "I need to test theory," I said "Lets to to Twilights house." So the two of us went to Twilights and knocked on the door. She opened it and said "Oh hello Detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world how are you today?" "Im good," I said and I pointed at Lyra. "That is Lyra. Do you know who she is?" "No but it is nice to meet you Lyra." "Okay cool anyway we're leaving now." I said and we walked away from her house. "That was weird, you told me on the way here you met her." "Yes a bunch of times" said Lyra "But she doesnt remember me. And now if we go back she wont remember me again." "Really?" I said and we walked back to the house. I knocked on the dor again and Twilight was there. "Detective jakkid why did you leave? Oh you have somepony new with you now." "Uhhhhh." I said. "This is Lyra, I introduce you to her like 23 seconds ago." "Dont FUCKING LIE TO ME JAKKID!" screamed Twilight and she slam the door. "Shit!" I said. "Youre right! No one remember you!" "See I told you." "But," I said. "Why am I the only one who remember you? This is weird." but then I got a idea. "HEY! Detective idea! How about you write a note for her to read every time she meet you so she knows who you are again." "No that doesnt work." said Lyra. "Okay then send her a e-mail!" "Doesnt work either" "What about carve your name into her skin?" "Nope" "Fuck." I said and I thought hard. "What is differnt about me from ponies? Coudl it be my human mind is just better at remembering?" "Thats racist jakkid," said Lyra. "Shit sorry. Okay well theres gotta be some reason for this. And like any mysterey theres got to be CLUES!" I said and I struck my detective pose. "Time to LOOK FOR CLUES!" "But where" said Lyra. "Uhhhh," I said. "I dont know. I guess we will have to find clues to figure out where to look for clues" SO we started walking and I interviewed her about what was goin on to find out more info mation. "Do you think if you murder a pony they just come back to life after? Or they just stay dead and the witnesses just dont remember seeing you so you get away with it?" "I dont know," said Lyra. "I dont think we should test that" "Yeah good point." I said. But then I got a idea. "I GOT IT" I said so loud it almost killed lyra from heart attack. "I think I know why I remember you!" "What is it?" "Im the author of the story so I have to remember you to write about you." "But that doesent explain why nopony else remembers me!" "ive got an explanation for that too because i'm fucking good." "What is it?" So I puled out my laptop and opened fimfiction.net. "I read this cool story on here called 'Background Pony' which is a lot like your thing that happening. But the important thing is the TITLE!" "Background Pony?" "Currect!" I said and I smashed the laptop on the ground out of exitement but then regreted doing that because it cost me like $600. "The reason no one remember you is because you are a BACKGROUND PONY!" "But how we fix that?" "Simple," I said. "We have to make you into a MAIN CHARACTER like me! Then ponies will rember you." "Okay, but how." "Lets see," I said. "The main charaters are the elemets of harmony because there is six of them and six elements. If you was an element too you could become a main character. But I dont know how we could make you an element." "Maybe it could be posible if I murder one of them and steal their element." "Yeah that could work," I said and I thought hard. "Thats probably ilegal though so I dont think we should do that." "Okay then what else?" "Ive GOT IT!" I said. "WE need to make a NEW ELEMENT OF HARMONY!" TO BE CONTINUED
Detective jakkid166 in Background Pony: Part 2Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Detective jakkid166 in Fallout Equestria"Prince Celestia!" said the guard as he bash the dors to Celestias throne room open with his axe. "What is it?" said Celestia. "I am busy not doing anything!" "I have bad as fuck news," said guard. "Equestria is going to WAR!" "WHAT?" said Celestia. "How could this be?!" "It turn out that Pony Russia's president got assasinate, and they blame us. And now were gonna get nuked by them. Kinda like in Hotline Miami 2." "Well shit, that sucks." said Celestia. ~ MEANWHILE ~ "Ahhh perfect," I said hanging up my picture of meself on the wall of the polece station. I was just awarded myself "employee of the month" for the 18th month in a row. "Detective jakkid!" said the intereviewer TV pony reporter who was recording an intervierw video of me. "You got employe of the month again! How do you do it?!" "Well thats what happen when youre the greatest detective in the world," said me. "And also im the only one who works here." "Amazing" he said and he went to go print my interview video in the newspaper. "What a good day," I said. "Now I can sit back and re lax and watch Netflix. Hell yeah boy" so I turned on the TV but something was weird. I had an episode of The Office on netflix but then it CHANGED to the NEWS and the reporter pony said "Special news report! Equestira has gone to war and is about to become nuked to death." "WHAT?!" I said. "What do you mean nuked?" "Well you see Detective jakkid166, Equestria has gone at war with Pony Russia. So we are all gonna die. Make sure to lock the doors to your house before you leave. By dying" "Aw hell!" I said and I ran ouside and saw all the nukes was falling from the sky towards my house. "SHIIIIIIIIIT!" I said so I ran to me car and open the door and jump inside and shut it and roll the windows up and turn off the A.C. Then the nukes HIT THE GROUND and they blew up so hard that my car got blown away, my car got blown so faraway that it actualy went around the entire world and then landed back where it was at the remain of my home. I kicked the door open and looked outside. "Fuck!" I said as I look arond at the desolate waste lands that was left of Equestira. "This is just like that time I went to Arizona. But how am I gonne solve crimes if everyone is dead now?" and so I wept tears out of my face because of tha real ization that I wold never see my old friends again, because they was now blown up in the Nuclear Fuck. I thought back to my friends... Twilight Sparkel, the one who can read. Pinkie Pie, top quality Party planer and Heroin Dealer. Fluttershy, the one who is a pegasus Applejack, the republican. and Rarity, who also existed. "Well crap," I said look around. "I gues I beter get used to living in blown up Equestria, gatherig resources and eating dirt and rocks." so I got in mine detective car and drove it around the waste land looking for stuff like food and water and bottle caps. I saw a gas station so I wet inside to see if I cold not find any bottle caps to use, but then I realized something. "OH NO,' I said. "There will be no bottle caps, because Equestira only used cans soda!" and I cursed the heevens and yelled really loudy. But then I was heard a sound! "WHO DOES THERE?" I grab my gun and point it at myself to take myself hostage incase someone want to shoot me. But then a PONY appeared out of nowhere, who was gray and alive. "Who the heck are you?" she said to me. She had a gun and was pointed it at me and was Very Menacing. "I could ask you same question," I said. "So I will. Who the fuck are you" "My name is Littlepip, but if you dont tell me your name then your name will be Dead." "Im Detective jakkid166, the greatest Detective in the world." "Wait a deetective?" said Littlepip "You ar just what I need!" "Detective jakkid is always what people need," said me and I lower my gun. "But why do you need me?" "For a long time the Waste Land has been suffer under the terror of Red Eyes and his minion, General Almond Leaf. We hav been trying to kill them for years but it doesnt work because they keep being alive." "Wow are they even that bad?" I said. "What kind of crimes do they even do?" "Asault, theft, i think murder a few times too. And they have taken hostage my friends, Calamity and Red Eyes." said Littlepip. "Its realy bad, but maybe since youre a detective you can sentece them to prison for a real long time." "Great idea!" I said "Okay Littlepit I will help you. But where wil we find Red Eyes and Almond Leaf?" "I dont know," said Littlepip. "They probably exist somewhere. We just gotta find them." so me and her went outside into the wastelands to look around for clues like I do because im a detective. Eventually while we was looking we got to a lake and I drank some of the water which made me thirsty. "Im thirsty," I said "Im gonna drink the lake." "Dont do that, it is radiation!" said Littlepip. "But I am THIRSTY!" I said. "Okay then pretend to drink the water so your body think you drank it and stops bein thirsty." "Wow good idea!" I said but when I try to do that, I drink the whole lake on accident "AH CRAP" I said and I was choking on all the radiations in my throat. "Gosh dangit!" said Littlepip and she shove a rad-away down my throat and the radiation stopped being real. "Phew thanks that wasa close one." We kept walkin and I said to her "So what is you tragic back story?" I said. "Well I grew up in the Vault Stable and now I left because to go look for my friend, Velvet Recipe." "Wow," I said. "That remind me a lot of that game, Fallout 3. Because its weird and New Vegas is better." But then someone APPEAR and attack up! FUCK "Shit!" I said and I dive behind a rock. There was a pony who also was had a gun and he was shooting at us like he was some kinda idiot who likes to murder people. Littelpip dove behind too and said "Get behind cover jakkid!" "Ok," I said and I dove behind the rock I was behind. "What ar we gonna do?" The pony was shooting guns at us and shoting rocket launchers and throwing grenades and molotovs and darts and knives and forks at us. "Dont worry," said Littelpip "I got this, I am a skilled marks pony." so she took her gun and aimed at the moon and shot it, and her bulet went up and hit the moon and bounce off the moon and hit the pony's gun and knock it outta his hands. Then littlepip shot her gun at him and his head came off and rolled into some bowling pins nearby and did a strike. "Yeeeah strike!" said Littlepip "WOAH!" I said because I was not prepared for what I saw. "Jesus crapping christ you killed him!" "Yeah thats how it works in the waste land," said Littlepip. "But what if we cold put him in jail? Detective jakkid does not condone the murder of killing." "So what? He was trying to kill us, he deserve it." "NO!" I said "There is no such thing as deserve to die!" "If you dont kill even in self defense then why you have a gun?" "Guns arent for self defense to me. I use guns for other gun things, like interogation or opening Beer Bottles." "Okay wel if we are gonna survive out here we need to kill lots of ponies." "Okay fine," I said "But only you do it. Detective jakkid166 may be loose cannon, but I do not kill yet." "Okay," said Littlepip "But walking sucks. We ned better transport tation." "Yeah well I have just the thing," I said "You see, in the year of February I people invented the best mode of moving around: the CAR!" and I got my keys out and me car drove over to us and got in us and we started driving around. "Sweet this is way faster" said Littlepip. Eventually we kept driving and we got to a place calld Emerald City. It was a town of ponies, but the houses were made of wood and metal and stuf instead of whatever they are normally made from. "Alright this city hasa lot of ponies, which means there is a good chance someone here know where Red Eyes is," I said. "So what we do?" "We interogat them all until we get answers." so then Littlepip punched me in the face and grabed me and shouted "WHERE IS RED EYES?" "Yeah like that," I said with my nose bleeding. "But next time do it to someone who is not me." so we got out of the car and went to the noodle soup shop, which was called Noodle Soup Shop. "HEY!" I said and I slam my fist on the counter and broke it. "What the hell do you want?" said the noodle pony. "Have you seen Red Eyes anywhere?" "Yeah I have but im not gonna tell you if I did or not." "Shit" I said and I look around. Then Littlepip saw next to me was sitting a guy with robot eyes who looked suspiscos. She walked to him and said "Hey you, guy with the red eyes. Have you seen the pony Red Eyes anywhere? He is a big idiot who does murder. He likes murdering ponies so much he even murdered himself once" "Uhhhhh" said the pony "Sorry I dont know who that is. He sound like a dick though." "Damn okay." said me. "Okay maybe this town doesent have anybody who knows about it." "I think I can help you," said a voice from the shadows (not the hedgehog just regular shadows) "Who am I talking to?" I said as a guy came outta the shadows and he was wearin a big black cloak and had a deep craspy voice and looked really evil which meant we did not trust him probably. "I know where Red Eyes is, I can take him to you," he said. "Ok I trust you," me and Littlepip said. So we followed him outta diamond city. "Okay," said him and he point to his van that says "Red Eyes" on it. "He is in there." "Aw sweet!" said Littlepip "Lets go get him!" "Hell yeah" I said and we went in the van. But then the DORS shut behind us and the van WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY exept for a bunch of ponies with weapons who beat us up and tied us up and fucked us up "Aw crap," said Littlepip. "I think the pony might have been lying." "No wait," I said "Lets see where this goes before we jump to conc clusions." ~ LATER TIME ~ The van stoped and the guy open the doors. He pulled me out and I was strugglin to get outta the ropes but he kept punching me in the face to stop me. He dump us on the floor and get in front of us and took off his cloak. "GASP!" I said "Not YOU!" IT WAS wait "Who is that" I asked Littlepip. "That is GENERAL ALMOND LEAF!" she shouted. IT WAS GENERAL ALMOND LEAF! and we were in Red Eyes's BASE! "Hahaha," said Almond "I knewed I could capture you. And now you will all get executed to death by Red Eyes, and the waste land will be ours forever!" "Dang it! How cold he trick us to us?!" Littlepip said in anguish. "I dont speak Anguish," I said "Can you say it in English instead?" "Okay," said Littlepip and she did that but then Almond Leaf understanded what she said and said "NO TALKING!" and shot her in the head. But it was a warning shot so it didnt hurt her. "Here coems Red Eyes!" said one of the guards. And then a pony walk in the room. And it was then I knew why he was called Red Eyes: Because of his robot eyes, which glow a very menacing blue. "Ahahahahah," Red eyes laughed backwards. "Well if it is Littlepip! You and your boyfriend will not solve the wasteland this time." "WHAT?" I said "I am not her boyfriend, for like 1 million reasons! and 999,999 of the reasons are "i do not date ponies"." "Also I'm gay," said Littlepip "Yeah that too." "WHAT?" said Red Eyes "You are both GAY? I HATE gay people because I'm evil. And also bi people and lesbians and straight people." "Well Red Eyes you wont spread you evil gay hating ways on the wasteland!" said Littlepip. "Uhh yeah I will. Youre tied up idiot" "Oh yeah darn." "Now then" said Red Eyes and he aim his gun at us. "This is called a gun, its what kills you." and he FIRED the gun at Littlepips face! "What do we do jakkid?" said Littlepip while the bulet was flying at her. "Dont wory I have a plan," I said. "What kind of plan?" "A DETECTIVE plan!" I said and I JUMP in front of the bullet and it went in ME instead of Littlepip. "Noooo jakkid166!" said Littlepip and she hold my dying body. "How cold you kill yourself on a bullet?!" "Are you fucking stupid?" said Red Eyes "Im killing both of you anyway you dumbass, why would you jump in front of her?" but I wispered to Littlepip and said "Littlepip you must listen to me." "HOLY CRAP JAKKID YOURE ALIVE?" said Littlepip "But the bullet shot you!" "Yes. You see every day I shoot myself to built up an imunity to bulets, so they dont kill me anymore. Now are you ready to escape?" "Heck yeah" said Littlepip and I chewd the bullet I caught in my mouth into the shape of a key and use it to unlock our ropes and we was FREE! "What the fuck?" said Red Eyes "Dammit I shoulda put more than one bullet in me gun! GUARDS shoot them!" so the guards pointed their guns at us and FIRED A BUNCH! I THREW littlepip behind cover and RAN at the bullets and then i JUMPED and the guards shooted upwards at me and the force from the bulets carried me REALLY high into the air and then I came back down REALLY hard and landed on some guards head and knocked him out and took his gun and pointed it at the guards. "HAHA!" I said. "You are outnumberd!" "But there is like 30 of us and 1 of you." said Almond Leaf. "Yeah but you are bad guys which make you negative numbers, and -30 is less than 1." "FUCK hes right!" said one of the guards "We surender!" "Detective jakkid does it again," I said. BUT THEN Red Eyes took onea the guards guns and SHOT and KILLED every signle one of the guards in the room! "Holy fucking shit!" I said "30 murders?! That is like a 8 on the evil scale!" "ENOUGH!" said Red Eyes and he grab Littelpip and point his gun at her. "If I cant shoot you then ill kill her. Unless you kill yoself first, then I will let her go!" "What?" I said "Why wold I kill myself? How stupid does you think I am?" "To save Littlepip so I dont kill her." "Yeah but I dont want to kill myself." "DONT DO IT JAKKID!" said Littlepip "What the fuck is wrong with you I already said Im not gonna do it" I said and I puleld out my Detective Gun and set it to tranquilize. "I have enough of this shit! Red Eyes you are under arrest." "Are you stupid? I still have Littlepip!" said Red Eyes. "Oh my god this the worst fight I ever seen," said Almond Leaf. "Detective Jakkid your life sucks ass." and he left away. so now it was just me in the room with Red Eyes and Littlepip. And the 30 dead guards "Okay you know what" I said and I toss my gun aside. "Red Eyes why dont you fight me like a man?" "Im not a man Im a pony." "Then fight me like a PONY!" "Ok" he said and he drop his gun and went to me. He hold out his hoof and said "May the best pony or whatever you are win." "Agreed" I said and I shake his hoof but it ACTUALY had one of those SHOCK buzzer things on it and it shocked me! "Haha idiot!" he said. "You jackass!" I said and I throw my punches at him but he dodged them then picked them up and threw them back at me. Then he shoot his LASER EYES at me but I hold up a mirror and they bounced off and hit him and took away 15 HP He picked up Littlepip and threw her at me as a weapon but she curved her body into shape of a boomerang and she flew back at him and hit HIM instead and knock him to the ground. He was bout to get back up but I set my fists to Tranquilize and punched him in the face and knock him out for 3 seconds. "Dammit" he said after 3 seconds "I would have win if I didn't lose!" "Yeah yeah okay." said Littlepip and she aim his gun at his head. "Hey jakkid do you wanna do it?" "What the fuck?" I said "No! Cant we just arrest him?" "No," she said "Theres no jail in the wasteland. Its okay though, when hes dead he will be a ghost then he can go do ghost stuff somewhere else." "Oh ok." Little pip aim the gun at Red Eyes. "You are dead now" "What no im not." said Red Eyes, but then littlepip FIRE the gun into his head and shot his head in the face "Oh okay I guess im dead now," said Red eyes and his head EXPLODED from the bullet into like 6 pieces. And then Littlepip shot the head pices and they became even more smaller pieces. Then she shotted those pieces and they became smaller pieces again. Then she did it again "Uhhh you can go wait outside if you want jakkid," said Littlepip "This might take a while" "Yeah okay." so I went outside and looked around at the blown up lands of Equestira I jsut saved from fascism. I breathed in the air. "Ahhh, fresh radioactivity air. My favorite" but THEN a plane came down and landed next to me! The doors opened and who was opened it I saw was I could not belive my EYES! It was Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy and Applejack! "WOAH!" I said and I cry tears of joy! "Holy shit you guys are alive?!" "Uhhh yeah," said Twilight. "Im surpised that YOU are alive!" "Yeah my car is nuclear proof. But how did you guys survive the nucrear blasts?!" "What" said Twilight. "Dident you hear Jakkid?" "No, what?" "Celesita managed to save Equestria by blaming the assasination of Russias president on you. So Russia only nuked your house, no where else." "Wait what in the shitting holy cocky fucky bucky sucky fuck?" I said "That doesent make sense! Look arounds you! Equestria is blown up!" "This isent Equestria, that nuclear explosion actually sent you flying all the way to Pony Australia." "Wait so Pony Australia got blown up then?" "No this is just what its like normally." "Shit" THE END Author's Note Fallout Equestria was writed by Kkat, who is also known for writing Fallout Equestria this story probably isnt canon
Detective Jakkid166 in A Canterlot Wedding both part 1 and 2(this based off the MLP episode a canterlot wedding where all the charaters are idiots and twilight is the only smart one. except this is how it happen in my universe) One day during the best season of the year (season 2) I was with Twilight andfriends in the outside, doin really stupid stuff like playing in the grass. I was playing lawn darts with Pinkie Pie and Rain Bowdash, and Raritey and Fluttershy were eating picnic. Applejack had twilight tied up and they was kissing each other for some reason Spike rode his bike over to us and said "GUYS I have a letter!" and he came over and threw up a letter on the ground. "Thanks Spoke." said me the detective jakkid166 who is in this story. I pick up the letter and said "This is adresed to Twilight, but since im a detective I need to inspect it for drugs first." so I open it and tried to read for any words that said "drugs". "What does it say jakkid?" muffled Twilights voice through her ropes "Its from Celesita, and it says your bro is getting married to some french princess girl," I said. "Also she sent you a bag of cocaine." "WHAT?" said Twilight and she unfucked her ropes and grabbed the leter. "This cant be! We gotta get to canterlot fast or we will miss the premeire of this episode!" "You right," said Applejack. "But how we gonna get there? None of us can go on the train because we are poor." "Dont worry," I said. "I can get us there FAST." so we all got in my Detective Car and I drove it to the tran station. I hooked up my car to the train and the train drove up the tracks to Canterlot and dragged us up there. "Wow jakkid," said Twilight. "Its a good thing you are here. Otherwise if you wasnt with us right now we would have never made it." and she tipped me fifty bucks for the ride. "Glad to be service," I said and I put on a hat (not a fedora) and tipped it to her. "Okay guys go away and do other stuff so I can go find my borther," said Twilight. "Except you jakkid, you can come with me for some reason." "Sounds good" I said and we left away. "So Twilight who is you brother?" "He is a guard here at Canterlot and he is station here at the Grand Wall of Canterlot Where Guards Stand On. His name is Shin Ingarmor." "That's a good idea Twilight," I said and we reached the wall. "Wait a miute, there is no ladder here!" said Twilight. "How are we suposed to get on top?" "I got a plan," I said and I went into a outhouse and grabed the toilet plungers. I gave 2 to twilight and we used them to climb up the wall to the top. Once we got close to top there was a pony who point his spear at us and started stabbing my hand and her hooves a lot so we couldnt climb anymore. "HALT GOES THERE!" said the pony. "You ar trestpassing on our property!" "Shining you idiot shut up!" said Twilight. "Its me, Twilight Sparkle who is your sister!" "Oh ok." and he let us get on top and gave us a band aid for our hand wounds. "I guess you guys are come here to see the wedding." and when he said that all of a suden, the girl she was marrying came out and she was standing there. they werent getting married yet, just in the future. Not today. But just from how Twilight cold look at her, she could tell something was wrong! "This is Pirncess Cadence," said Shining Armor. "She is Princess Cadence." "I think you are suspicos," Twilight said to her. "I think you might be evil." "Thats rude Twilight!" said Shining Armor. "Why do you think she is evil?" "Because she is pink, and she wears a crown." "That makes sense, but still you cant say that!" "Okay okay fine!" Twilight said and she cross her arm legs like annoyed. "Hey jakkid do you think something is wrong with Cadence? She didnt even do the butt shaking dance." "Well times change Twilight," said me. "Maybe she dose not want to be a erotic dancer anymore." "Yeah I guess so." ~ LATER ~ I was helping set up the weeding with everyone where I was helping make baked bake with Applejack and Pinker Pie. Pinkie Pie was making good desserts while Applejack was making some german dessert with apples. "Im making Apple strudels partner," said Applejack even though no one asked her "Hey Pinkie I think this cake needs more layers," I said to her. "7 is not enough, we need 1 layer for every pony that is gonne be there." "Ok so you think I should add about 200 more layers?" "Yeah that sounds good." I said and I look at Applejack. "Hey jAcklejack, make sure to make some apple strudels with no apples or strudels in them for peopel with allergies." "You got it portner!" said Applejack. "Man I am good at this. I should get paid" I said. "Wait holy crap I really should get paid. Hold on guys Im gonna be right back I gotta go talk to Celestia." and I jumped out the window and ran to Canterlot Castle. In th meantime, Twilight arrived back at the baking place and said "Hey you idiots guess what? I think Princess Cadence is evil?" "Dumbass," said Rarity. "Princesses cant ever be evil, or queens or kings or princes or whatever. That would be illegal" "Dammit you guys dont believe me!" said Twilight. "Detective jakkid166 doesent believe me either. But I will get evidence! Then I will post it on Myspace for all you to see" and she ran out the door. "Aw hell no," said Fluttershy. "Twilight is going insane." but then they all heard a explosion sound and I crashed in throuhgh the roof and my clothes was all smoking and black. "Hey jakkid166 how did the talk with Celstia go?" said Rainbow. "Uhhhh," I said. "Never mind that. Someone get my clothes to quit smoking before they get lung cancer" ~ LATER TIME ~ "You the hell are we going?" I said to Twilight who I was following (in real life, not on myspace) "We're going go go spy on Candace and Shining so I can proove that they are evil," said Twilight and we got to the door. She pulld out her cell phone and set it to record with the carmera and we peek in through the door their room. "OHHH SHIT" said Twilight "What is happerning??!" cause we saw inside the house was Shining Armor and Pirncess Cadence, exept Cadence was using big MAGIC spells on Shining and punchng him in the face and kicking him and beating him up and throwing him into walls and stuff. "I knewed it!" said Twilight. "Cadence is evil!" "Twilight just because they are into weird kinky shit doesent mean they are evil," I said. "But jakkid are you sure?" said Twilight "Of course im sure," said me. "Im greatest detective, and very smart. I scored a 100 on all my tests, includeing the math test, english test, and IQ test." "Okay jakkid if you say so," said Twilight. ~ LATER AGAIN ~ I was in the canterlot wedding room hall thing while I was tuning mine guitar to prepare for the celbratory Jam Session where me and Celestia and Luna and the Rainbow Dash and friends were gonna perform "Talking Heads" by Burning Down the House. I was gona play Piano and Guitar and Drums and trumpets and saxolin and singing at the same time while the rest wold play whatever other intruments. But just as we was about to Rock On, we was interrupted by Twilight Sparkle who was tryin to get into the doors. But the doors was locked, so Twilight pulled out a key and used it to bash the doorsdown and then she went in. "Alright George im here!" said Twilight. "Cool," said George. "We are about to get started now." and then Cadence and Shining Armor walked up, but they dident want to be rude so they use magic to build new doors and then knocked on those. "Come in," said shining armor and they went in the room with us. But when Shining was walking to us Cadence sneaked behind him and pulled out a knife and stabbed him 51 times "AAAAAARGH" screamed Shining Armor whil he was making blood all over the ground. "OH NO!" said twilighte. "I KNEW it ! Cadence IS evil!" "Twilight how cold you say that?!" said Celesia. "I am ashame of you!" "Yeah!" I said. "I bet you are jealous and wanna marry him instead! No wait hes your brother thats gross. never mind" "But you gotta beleeve me guys!" said Twilight. "Nope," said Luna. "Thou art one dumb ass mother funker." "Yeah," said Shining Armor. "Just cause I got killed doesnt mean im dead." and so everyone was ashame of Twilight and left her alone in the hall and she had to practice her Talking Heads by herself. She pick up a guitar and but she didnt have fingers, so she cry on the guitar strings to make the music. And Cadence but then walked to her and said "Dont worry Twilight, I will play Talking Heads with you." "Aw sweet!" said Twilight and she ready her guitar. But when Cadence starte playing, Twilight realized something is wrong! "Aw shit!" said Twilight. "This is not Talking Heads, this is Death Metal!" "Hahaha" said Cadence. "The death metal will make you die!" "NOOOO" said Twilight but then a green appeared and she got melted into the sucked into the ground. meanwhile I stepped back into tha room and said "Oh sorry Twilight I forgot I left my house in here- WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?" and I saw Cadence death metalling Twilight into obilvion. "NOOOOOO!" I said and I plug my ears. "i HATE death metal!" and I ran at Cadence but she trip me and I fell into the green too. while i was unconscious, i had a dream about something. I dont remember what it was though I toke up in a big cave of crystal next to Twilight. Twilight said "What the fuck is going on" and stood up and then woke up. "I dont know," I said. "I know! Princess Cadence IS evil! I was right the entire time! Now she killed us and we are in hell." "SHIT!" said Twilight. "You right! Jakkid I am sorry we didnt believe you." "Its okay Twilight, but now we gotte escape from hell and tattle on her." so Twilight and me ran down the crystal halls. I found an Oubilette while we was walking, I dont know what a Oubilette is but it sounds cool and magic and useful. I skidded down the hall in my detective Heelys and stoped cause we were at a cliff. "Consarn it!" I said to Twilight. "How we suposed to get across? We cannot walk on air, and its not season 5 so you dont have your wings or horn yet." "Damn youre light," said Twiright. "Wait whats that sound?" and we turn around and saw there were a bunch of ponies going to us. "Oh crap" said Twilight. "It is the brides maids!" "Shit," I said. "I hate maids because they always clean stuff up and make me pay too much money for it. We gotta escape from them Twilight!" so I stood on Twilights back and she also stood on my back at the same time, and we jumped off each other a bunch of times until we went in the air and crosed the gap. We landed at the other side and I said "haHA Idiot bridesmaids! You smell like a bag of diapers that has been used by babies and old people!" and we ran through more the caves. "Wait!" said Twilight said because she saw something out of her eyes. "Whats in that cavern with nothing in it?" "Lets see," I said and we went in there. And sitting in the caverns was drum roll drrdrdrrfdrgfdbgrbfgrbf PRINCESS CADENCE "HEY!" I said "Its the EVIL princess cadence!" and I pulld out my hand cuffs. "Wot?" said Cadence. "I am not evil!" "Oh yeah?" said Twilight. "Then why ded you kill us?" "Because I didnt!" said Cadence. "The one who killed you is actually a evil imposter. I am the REAL cadence!" "Bull shit!" I said. "You ar just copying what happened in Detective jakkid166 Go Equestria Now when I was framed by a clone of myself. You ar under arrest" I said and I handcuff her horn to myself. "Now Twilight lets escape!" "Okey," said Twilight and we ran off. ~ MEAN WHILE ~ "Wedding is now in session for the trial of Princess Cadence and Shitting Armor" said Pricess Celestia. "Is the defense ready?" "Yes," said Shining Armor. "And is the prosecution ready?" "Yeah I think so" said Princess Cadence. "Exellent," said Celestia. "Then put on the wedding rings" so they tried to put on the rings, but they do not have fingers so Cadence put the ring on one of her teeth and Shining put his ring on some other pointy part of his body. "Exellent," said Luna. "I now pronounce you husband and Princess Cadence." "I am so happey," said Shining. "Now I will not be a virgin anymore!" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT" shouted a voice. Shining turned his head 138 degrees to the left and saw who is it? It was ME, along with Twilight and Cadence! "Twilight you idoit why are you still trying to fuck up everything?" said Celestia. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT" shouted me. "I have PROOF that cadence is evil bastard!" "WHAT?" said Cadence. "How is that posible?!" "Simple" I said. And then I look at the cadence I was handcuffe to. But then I look back at the other cadence. And then back to my handcuffed cadence. "Wait" I said "What the fuck. How are there two cadence?" "Thats a fake Cadence!" said my cadence. "She is evil!" "WHAT?" I shouted at her. "WHY DIDENT YOU TELL US THAT YOU IDIOT?" "I forgot" "HAHAHA!" Screamed the evil cadence. "Fools, it are too late! We are already married!" "Damn" said Armor. "Now im gonna have to get divorced." "Hahaha" said Cadence "Hahahahahaha hahaha aha ahhahaaha ha ha aha ha ha ah aha ahaha ha." "Wait!" said George. "If you are not the real Cadence, who are you?" "Haha haha ha", said Evil Cadence. "Hahah aha, I am not the real cadence, but instead, I am not the real cadence!" she said and she RIPPED HER FACE OFF "Oh no, not YOU!" I said. "Who are you" "My name is Queen Crystalis!" she said. "And I am the Queen of the Chonglongs!" "You look like a bug or some ugly thing that looks like a bug," I said. "So what are you gonna do now? You are surrounded on all 4 sides except for 3 of them." but then a whole ARMY of changelings busted in! there was Marine changelings and navy changelings and air force changelings. A changeling stepped out and said "My name is General Change Ling and I am here to lead the changling army to destruction!" "Hahaha ah ha ha," said Queen Chrysalis. "My Changeling army will set out and do super evil changeling stuff! Like whatever evil stuff it is that we do." "Hey idiot!" said Celestia and Chrysalis turned around and punched Chrysalis in the face. "OW" said Chrysalis. "What the fuck dude?" Celestia: You wil not take my kingdom of Cequestria! I will fight you and you will lose! "Fine," said Krisalis. "Lets do this shit!" so Celestia and Cadence both put Boxing Gloves on and stepp into the ring. I was the referee and also went in there and said "Alright you two this is the match for all tha money! The rules are no kicking, no biting, and no punching. Now FIGHT!" "Wait" said Celestia. "Can there be a rule where only I am allowed to win?" "Sure that too," I said. "Now ROUND ONE: FIGHT!" So Celestia threw a uppercut at Chrysalis but Chrysalis grabbed celestias hoof and put it bac on her own face and she punched herself. But then Chrysalis grabbed Celestia and suplex her into the ground. But Celestia was ready, so when Chrysalis did that she actually was upside down and landed on her hoofs. Then she grabbed a ladder and climbed up it and jumped off and kicked Chrysalis in the face and punched her in the wing and bit her on the ass. "Bitch!" said Chrysallis and she punched Celestia in the sholder. "HEY!" I said. "Puching is not allowed! Queen Chrisalis is diqualified from existing." "Hell!" said Chresalis. "I forgot about that." "Its a good thing only I am allowed to win," said Celestia. "Wait" I said and I looked at the rules paper I wrote on and I saw that instead of only Celestia being allowed to win, I was actually accidentally wrote Chrisalis instead! "Aw shit" "OH NOOOOOOO" said Celestia and she was knockout. "HAHAHAHA ha ha HA AH Aha!" said Chrosalis or whatever her name is. "Now with the magic of punching people in the face I can take over Canterquestria!" "Not so fast criminal scum," said I. "You arent gonna do this if I have anything to say about it." "What do you have to say about it" "You suck fucko!" and I took out my gun. "You are under arest!" and I shot vullets at her. But her body has holes in it, and so the bullets just went through the holes. "Dang it," said me. "My aim is so good its making me miss." "Hahaha ha ha ha ah ahahahhaha," said Chrysalis. "Now that I am princess, I can steal the royal budget and spend it all on evil things like hacks for Mine Craft." "NO!" Applejack shoute. "She will ruin my server! Someone do something!" "Shining Armoire!" said Twilight. "You gotta use your spell to blast the changelings to hell!" "I cannot Twilight," said Armor. "I am too weak because I have been doing too many reps at the gym. I am tired" "Dammit" said Twilight. "Why do you suck at everything? Now we gotte get the elements of harmony." but THEN General Change Ling sneaked up behind Twilight and hand cuffed her to herself, so she coulde not move away from herself to go find the elements. "Haho," said Change Ling. "Queen Chrysalis will win! Did you know she is called Queen Chrysalis because her favorite band is Queen?" "Wow I did not know that, it is cool trivia" I said and I pulledout my laptop and went on the MLP wiki to edit it in. "Alright anyway what were we doing? Oh yeah. You are a bad guy so fuck you." so I assume me fighting stance. "Aww yeah I love fighting," said Change Ling. "What fighting style you use?" "I use Street Fighter style and also a little bit of Tekken to spice it up. And also Injustice 2 and smash bros." "Yeah well I do MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE!" said Change Ling and he pulld out a knife. It was the kind of knife that was made of metal and has a handle and a blade on it, but also the kind of knife that can also shoot bullets if he uses a gun. "Shit," I said to him. "That is deadly weaponry. Detective jakkid166 does not fight lethal, so I will fight with honor." so I went to a suit of armor at the wall and grabbed the Non Lethal Battle Axe it was holding. "Alright lets do this" so Change Ling ran up to me and jam his knife down my throat, but I was actually practiced Sword Swallowing techniques so I didnt get hurt. So I instead pulled the knife out and threw it at him non lethally and it knocked one of his teeth out. "Aww YEAH!" said Change Ling. "I am gonna get a quarter from the tooth fairy tonight. Thanks jakkid" "No problem" I said and we kept fighting. This time I made sure to be super yeah. Change Ling ran at me and I used the axe like a baseball bat and shouted "FORE!" and hit him so hard he crashed through one of the realy expensive stain glass windows and got knock out. "Dammit," said Twilight "That was a cool fight, I wish I was part of it." I walke up behind twilight and open her handcuffs. "Dont worry. Remember Twilight, the important thing is you Trylight. But I may still have plan up my pants." and I pulld out my guitar, and the oubilette I found earlier. "What are we gonna use that for jakkid?" said Twilight. "Remember how we was gonna play music?" I said. And Twilight nodded because finaly she understood what I was saying at, jesus christ it took her long enough. LIke 2 seconds So I pointe at Chrysalis and said "HEY IDIOT!" "What the hell you want?" said Khrysalis. "You mayhav the power of magic, but I have something with even more power. The power of MUSIC!" and I pulld out my guitar sticks, and I also took out the Oubilette and shoved it into my guitar to make it more powerful. "Hahaha ha ah aha ah aha ha haa ha," said Chrysalis. "Idiot mortal, your music is not powerful enough to defeet us!" so I lookt to Twilight and nodded. I looked at Rainbow Dash who was on drums, and Applejack who was playing the Apple Accordion, and Rarity who played the piano man, Pinkie Pie who played Doom 3 on the switch, and Fluttershy who played the instrument that makes music. Twilight and I was lead vocals and I was guitar. I strummed some bars and said "HIT IT!" and rainbow dash started drumming "IM AN ORDINARY GUY BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE" and we JAMMED it so hard that it was like jelly. "oh NO!" said Christalis. "You dident tell me you had TALKING HEADS! The music is too GOOD!" and the sound waves was so pwoerful it started to blast her and her change dlings out of Canterlot. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Chrisalis as she was being blasted away over the forza horizon. "WAIT!" said Shining Armor. "What" said Chrysalis and she stopped being blasted away. "What do you want" "I need you to sign these divorce papers," said Shining Armor and he held them up into view. "Oh dammit fine" ~ LATER TIME ~ I was at the after wedding party where Shining Armor and the Probably Real Cadence were just got married. It was very profound event, because them getting married was actualy what symbolizes them getting married. I said that to Celestia and she give me 3 nobel prizes "Hey Bar Tender give me a drink" I said to the bartender whose name was Bar Tender. "What kind of drink?" he said. "Alcohol" "What he fuck is alcohol?" he said. "Alcohol is a drink that taste really bad and make you feel sick," I said. "Its very popular" "Yeah well we dont have that," said him. "We do have gasoline though" "Okay sure close enough" I said and I got a glass of that. And then Shining Armor went up to me and said "Hey jakkid thanks for saving Equestria again." "It was no problem" said me. "Using music magic to blast away evil shape shifting bugs is jsut part of every detectives job." "Well jakkid do you think you can give us some your music again tonight? This wedding is boring becaus everyones music taste sucks. We need someone who can tell us about music that is good, instead of crappy pony music" "I got you covered bro," I said at him. so I pulled my guitar out of me pocket and went on stage. "Hello Everyone, I am Detective jakkid166 and this is my band, "Detective jakkid166 and the people who are not Detective jakkid166". We are going to play romantic songs so romantic that it will make you want to all get married to each other. and me and Twilight and the rest of them started the chord of "Rock and Roll With Me" by David Bowie. we played the music as the camera look up and zoomed into the stars in the sky and then the stars moved to form these words THE END
Detective Jakkid166 in Rainbow Factory(WARNING: This story is much darker than some others i wroted! its not enough to be rated M but it still might have sad stuff in it. if you cry on your keybord and ruin your keyboard or your laptop or flood your house of tears and drown in it do not complain to me please.) "Hahahaha!" laughed rainbowdash evilly. She was with her workers in the rainbow factory about to turn a bunch of ponies into rainbows for some reason. "Any last word Scootaloo?" "Yeah" "What is it then?" "That was it." "Oh okay cool" and she went to go push the lever to dorp scootaloo into the Rainbow Grinder but then she stopped. "Wait do you hear that Dr. Atmosphere?" "Yeah I do," said him. "My name is Dr. Atmosphere." But then the doorbell rang! "Wait what" said Rainbow "Dammit! We was almost going to blend up the ponies into rainbows! Who even is at the door?" and she went and open the door and standing there was ME, Detective jakkid166! "What the hell?" said Rainbow "Detective jakkid why are you here?" "Hi Rainbow" I said "I'm here to give the monthly suprise health inspector investigation." "Shit I forgot about that!" said Rainbow. "Okay well you cant come in right now." "Why not?" "Because we are closed." "But all the lights are on!" I said. "Yeah the off switch for the lights broke." "But the sign says its open!" "No it only looks like that, but its actually pony language for "closed"." "But there is a guy on the roof who keeps scraeming "THE RAINBOW FACTORY IS OPEN RIGHT NOW"." Rainbow pulle out a gun and shot him and he died, but she had a silencer on it so I dident notice it. "No there isnt." "Hmm" I said "Okay fine I will come back another day." But then as I was gonna walk away and jump off clouds dale, a red pony come up and whisper something to Rainbow Dash. I didnt hear it but he said "Wait Rainbow, if we let him investogate and dont let him see anything bad he will leave us alone!" "Oh yeah good point." said Rainbow "Okay jakkid come on, you can investigate. But first you have to put on this Hard Hat and murder-proof vest" she said and she put them on me. "Sonds good," I said and I got out my clip board. "Okay so first question: How do the rainbow factory operate?" "Uhhh," said Rainbow "Let me show you." and she press a lever and lights turned on to show a giant blender. And there was a pony on top of the lid all tied up and stuff "Wow thats a big blender," I said. "So how this work?" "First we need to put the pony in the blender," said Rainbow. so she hit a lever and the pony fall into the blender but it wasn't on so nothing happened to her. "Okay what next?" "In this next part you have to look behind you. The rainbow is dangerous for you eyes" "Alright cool" I said and I turned around. Once I turned around the pony was gone and there was rainbows pouring out of the blender! It was beatufil and amazing. "Wait," I said "Where did the pony go?" "Today is her retirement," said Rainbow. "She went to live in Nepal and never ever talk to anyone again so dont try to find her." "Oh cool I hope she has a happy life." I said. "So what do you do with the rainbow now?" "We use the rainbow to make rainbows." "Interesting!" I said "I never wold have thought of that. Well it looks like this Rainbow Factory is operate under full condition. I will be back until the next suprise inspection. But for now you guys get a A+." "Okay cool" said Rainbow "So you are going to leave now?" "Yep," I said "But one thing first. I had taco bell this morning, I gotta go Dump Ass. Where is your rest room?" "Oh its down the hall past the sign that says 'torture room'" said dash. "Thanks" I said and I went into the hall and into the bathroom. "Exellent," I said and I cracked my knucles. "Time to dump." But then i realized something was very not correct! The bathroom was DIRTY! "WHAT" I said and I took out my clip board "This is unappeptable! I cannot give this place pass anymore." so I went back out of the bathroom and back to Rainbow and hte other workers and said "Rainbow Dash your bathroom sucks ass. Unfortunately you plant does not pass, and I will have to call in a inspection either from Princess Celestia or Princess Luna or Princess Applejack" "WHAT?!" said Rainbow "No you cannot let them investigate this place!" "Sorry but it is the law" I said and I went to leave but then the doors LOCKED. "What on fuck?" I said and I looked back at Rainbow but she looked evil now and she had blood on her face and that wasn't good. "Detective jakkid I gave you chance to leave but now," she said "We will have to kill you and blend you up into rainbows!" "WHAT!" I said "But I dont have rainbows inside of me! Only blood" "Then they will be red rainbows. GUARDS arrest detective jakkid166 the greatest detective in the world!" But as the two guards came to grab me I jump on one of their heads and use it to launch myself off his head and kick the other guard in the face and I backflip onto a railing above! "Fuck!" said Rainbow "Someone who can fly go get him!" so Dr. Atmospere got onto the railing and faced me and said "You idiot if you destroy the factory cloudsdale will not have rainbows anymore!" "So fucking what? Why are rainbows so important" "Uhhhhhhh" he said "Shut up" and he tried to punch me but I jumped into a vent and climbed in the vents. "Dammit" he said and he could not get in because he was too fat. "Jeez" I said while walking through the vents. "I cant believe this place is about killing ponies to make rainbows. But I will put stop to it! I just gotta escape so I can go to Celestia and tell on them." so I went through the vents more and I found a part of the vents that was big like a room! It had a couch and a TV and a kitchen and bathroom. On the couch was a pony named I don't know "Who the hell are you?" said her. "Im detective jakkid166," I said. "Im trying to escape so I can tell Celestia about the TRUE intention behind this factory!" "Hey me too!" said her. "My name is Scootallo and all my friends are dead." "That sucks." I said. "Oh well. Anyway lets escape! Do you know how to get out?" "No," said Scootaloo "So Ive just been living in this vent with my TV and Nintendo Switch and stuff." "That is terrible!" I said "If you been stuck here this whole time thats like being in jail, which means its like she arrested you! And shes not a detective so she cant do that. That is ANOTHER law she is breaking! Dont worry Scoopaloo we will get you outta here." "Okay but how?" "We look for exit!" "But what if we get caught" I pulled out my gun "Dont worry I can protect us." ~ LATER ~ We were climbing thorough the vents and we got to a vent that was a bove a room. I looke through the vent and the room had Rainbow Dash in it! "Dammit you idiots" said Rainbow "You better find jakkid or else I will grind you into rainbows too!" "Yes sir" said the guards and they ran off. "I do not like Rainbow Dash anymore," said Scootaloo. "Okay well dont worry," I said "I can get the information on how to escape from her." "How?" "With sublimimal messaging!" I said and I made abig booming voice. "RAAAAINBOW DAAAASH! I am GOOOOOOD, AND i am telling you to SAY HOW TO GET OUT OF THE FAAAAAAACTORY" "Oh no it's God?!" said Rainbow "Okay I will say it. First you have to- WAIT A MINUTE!" she said, because Rainbow realized it could not be god, because Rainbow was an atheist! "DETECTIVE JAKKID!" Rainbow said and she started to fly up to the vents! "Fuck!" I said and I grab scootaloo and jump through the vent and land on Rainbows head and knock her unconsus and we all fell to the ground. "Haha," I said and I grabbed the key card off of Dash's neck. "We can use this to uncock the doors and escape!" "Sweet!" said Scoot So we ran outta the room we were in and into the halls of the place but there was lots of guards around and they saw us! "HEY ITS DETECTIVE JAKKID AND WHOEVER THE PONY IS!" said a guard "Quick KILL THEM" and they all pulledout machine guns and shot at us and we was runnign through the halls and I was matrix dodging the bullets while they flew through the airs. "Fuck you idiots!" I said and I grabbe a trash can lid and throw it at them and all of their bullets hit the trash can lid and bounce off and hit them instead and they all got shot! "HELL YEAH!" I said "Wait a minute did they die? Fuck I didnt wanna do that. Goddammit now i gonna have to arrest myself for murder!" "No its okay the bullets only hit our legs," one of the guard said. "Oh cool." "jakkid we need to escape!" said Scootaloo. "Oh right" I said and I ran to the end of the hall was the emergency exit. I scan the keycard and open the door and we run out of the factory, but there was the problem! THE RAINBOW FACTORY IS ON A FUCKING CLOUD "Shit!" I said looking off the edge at the ground "How arr we gonna get back to the ground without dying of fall?" "Shit I dont know" said Scootaloo "I cant even fly!" But then Rainbow Dash and Dr Atmosphere and guards ran up to us. "Detective jakkid there is nobody to run!" said Rainbow. "Thats what you think" I said and I pulledout my gun and aime it at them. "Stay away or I will shoot! Detective jakkid166 is a loose cannon" "Detective jakkid listen to me!" said Dr. Atmosphere "We are not bad guys! We just need to make rainbows, and we grind up ponies to go with the rules of naturel selection!" "What the hell?" I said "Thats not how natural selection works. How many fucking stupid are you?" "Zero stupid!" He said and he pulled out a gun and Rainbow did too and we was at a standoff. "You idiots is just murderers!" I said. "You kill ponies and also hurt them! And murder them! And kill them" "It is for the good of cloudsdale!" said Rainbow "No its not you are lying to yo self." I said. "NOOOOO!" said Atmosphere and he was having Conflict of Mind. "Wait Rainbow what if they are right?" She got mad and was like "You idiot dont listen to them!" she put the guns in his hoofs and said "Dr Atmosphere, shoot them on the count of 3!" "Okay." "ONE!" I looked at Scootyloo. "Are you thinking what im thinking?" "I dont know maybe. "TWO!" and we JUMPED OFF THE EDGE! "What the shit?!" said Rainbow "Why didnt you shoot them?!" "You said to wait until you count to 3." "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" Meanwhile me and Scootaloo were FALLING TO THE GROUND! "What were you thinking JAKKID?!" said Scoot "Quick!" I said "Grab my hand and try to fly up as much as you can!" "Okay" she said and she did that but I was so heavy. "Dammit jakkid you eat too many burgers today!" "Wait theres more!" I said and I took out my gun and shoot at the ground to slow us down but we was still falling too fast! "Shit what else can we do?" "Wait I have an idea!" said Scootaloo and she PUNCHED me in the stomach and made me throw up my lunch and it made me lighter! "SHIIIT WE ARE HITTING THE GROUND!" I said while we were hitting the ground. But we was just barely slowed down enough so we didnt get hurt very much! I slamme into the ground and scootaloo landed on top of me. "Goddamn!" I said and I got up "We did it!" But then the lunch I threw up landed on my head. "AAAAGH EWW!!" I said wiping it off my face. "Haha lol," said Scootaloo. "Alright lets go see Celestia!" "Yeah that sounds cool," I said "But first I gotta go take a shower." So we did that and then went to the train to Cnetloer We got off the train and went to Celestia's house and knocked on the door to her throne room. "CELESTIA i have bad news I need to tell you!" She opened the door "What is it jakkid? Im trying to make mac and cheese right now!" "You can do that later! I have important report from the Rainbow Factory inspection!" I said and I grabbed my clip board and gave it to her. She looked at the clipboard. "What the FUCK?" she screamed. "The BATHROOM IS DIRTY?" "Yeah, but also they have been murdering innocent children ponies to make rainbows!" "Oh yeah thats bad too." ~ THE NEXT DAY ~ I went back up to the Rainbow Factory (i used the cloud elevator) and saw that it was now being shud down. Princess Luna was arresting Dr Atmosphere and Rainbow Dash for their crimes, and all the impirsoned ponies was being set free. "You idiot!" said Rainbow "Now cloudsdale will die as fuck!" "So what?" I said "I dont care. Being in the air is stupid anyway, just live on the ground like normal people." They got put in the pony police car and was drove away. "Detective jakkid," said Celestia "You did a good job exposing the Rainbow Factory for its crimes." "Yes," I said "It is a happy ending!" "But wait," I said "How long was this place like this?" "For like 10 years aparently," said celestia. "I guess nobody noticed all those ponies went missing to death." "You guys suck at your job," I said. "Yeah well fuck you too," said Celestia and she went to go do other stuff. "Well" I said and I looked up directly at the sun. "Another mystery solved. Wait why can I not see anything anymore?" THE END Author's Note special thanks to Zaten the Changeling for give me the title for this story.
