Chapters My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 1: My New Life Starts
Yes I confess, for all my countless sins, I am a pot-bellied, unemployed (possibly unemployable), bearded male twenty-something My Little Pony fan (only this generation, I ain't into those mutant 80's abominations).
A walking, talking obese stereotype, in other words. Pleased to meetcha, compadre. Now that we've got all the boring formal guff out of the way, let's continue on, shall we?
I've collected all the plushies (some of which I 'borrowed' from my young nieces, shh ) , the yearly annuals (with all the word searches completely filled in, I'm so proud) , and even the exclusive duvet cover (though, it's FAR too small for a biggish fella like moi).
I also proudly know the words to all the songs, and have been known to belt out a tenor-worthy refrain of "This Day Was Going To Be Perfect..." on a wet Wednesday morning whilst tying my shoes. As you can well imagine, my neighbours love me.
In other words, you could say I'm a 'bit of a fan'. Not that I've ever done anything totally wacko, like turn up at a con fully bedecked in horsie costume and face make-up with rainbow patterned string trailing from my arse, but you get the general idea.
Which is why, having just suffered through the season finale of season eight (yes, EIGHT... I can't quite believe it's been running that long either, where has my life gone) I was surprised to find a giant fresh head-shaped dent in my wall afterwards.
Why, you may ask? Well, lemme give you a hint, oh curious reader. My reasons are twofold, yet stem from the same source: and they happen to rhyme with DOZY and D'OH. Too difficult for you to figure out? Want another clue?
... Oh you already know. Clever clogs. Allow me to cut to the chase, then. This frequently infuriating filly did indeed tarnish my enjoyment of what was billed as an epic two-parter, and if you'll allow me I shall now count the ways I loathe this particular quadruped:
a) That cutesy-poo Shirley Temple-esque (Or Darla Dimple, for you Cats Don't Dance fans out there) voice made me want to grind my teeth to dust. Years of non-flossing are already taking care of that, thanks.
b) One teeny weeny child could never be that manipulatively cunning. I mean, come on... she'd even give that Moriarty geezer a run for his bits in terms of wicked scheming!
c) Her mane-style was really off-putting. Twirly curls like that do not belong in this show, only bad days at the salon in real life when you demand your money back from an inattentive hairdresser.
d) What a stupid name, 'Cozy Glow'. It doesn't even make any sense... my nickname for her was better, since her tedious antics certainly made me very 'Dozy' at times and the fact so many other ponies fell for her obvious act did indeed make me go 'D'oh' a lot ('D'oh' and 'Glow' totally rhyme, FYI).
e) Did I mention pink was my least favourite colour? Closely followed by pastel blue. The funny thing was, they weren't before I met CG in Marks For Effort, but now they are. What a coincidence, huh?
So basically, as far as I'm concerned, Miss Glow is nothing but a barrage of sucky suckiness, coated with a delicious topping of freshly laid mule droppings. And that's me being diplomatic about how much I abhor her unrealistic, unlikeable character.
Thank goodness she's safely locked away in Tartarus now, so she won't pollute the show I adore anymore with her pathetic delusions of grandeur. You might believe being stuck in Equestria's version of Hell might be too much punishment for any kid, but in her particular case, I'm willing to make a very big exception.
I can think of worse things that could be done to her after the stunt she almost pulled off, put it that way. Not a hint of genuine remorse, either. Tragic. The parents should be ashamed. Spare the rod, spoil the filly, that's what I say.
Regardless, life goes on. I have a hot date tonight (no, I'm not putting fruit in the microwave, hardy har har) with my new buxom girlfriend. Woo hoo.
I really think this could be the one, guys. She's blonde, she's beautiful, she has a really big... heart and she seems to have a 'thing' for slightly paunchy blokes. I might just be onto a winner here! Just got to change my XXL T-shirt, spray on a dab of Lynx, find my wallet full of strawberry flavoured condo...
SHAZAM! Huh ? What's going on?! Some sort of weird rift in space has just materialised in front of my laptop. Great... the insurance on it has just expired too, and me being the cheapskate I am, it slipped my mind to renew. Hey, exotically-tasting protection during intercourse costs a fortune! I might get lucky tonight, you never know! Stop laughing at the back!
But while I was debating whether to just leave the gaping hole for now, or contact the Microsoft hotline about the mysteriously floating void above my monitor, events took a turn for the worse. The fissure got larger and larger in size, until it was big enough for the most grotesque head you could ever hope not to ever see poke it's horrible visage out.
Freddy Krueger? Nah, he's Brad Pitt by comparison to this monster.
Jabba The Hut? Of course not. He's dead. Silly.
'Was the black hole a mirror, and I was just staring at a reflection'?! Why, you cheeky...
Enough. You should've figured out by now, based on the title of the story and it's picture alone that the terrifying creature now blithely staring back at me from this apparent space portal was none other than the junior psycho herself, Cozy Glow.
My first reaction upon seeing her narrow her eyes at me and growl was not quite what you'd expect. I didn't panic, dive for cover, reach for a concealed firearm or phone the glue factory.
No, I laughed. Like a drain. A rabid hyena. A chippy Sponge fry cook. I rolled on the floor too, until eventually the ugly mug that now resided unwelcomely in my room lost it's patience and decided to interrupt my hysterics with some thoughts of it's own.
"And what, may I ask is so amusing about my presence?" The foul illusion asked, staring down at my prostrate form with sheer hate. "That single-use dimension-hopping device I brilliantly stole from Twilight's lab before my undeserved incarceration has taken me here, to a primitive planet populated by pathetic primates. It is a distinct honour for your puny civilisation to be chosen for enslavement by me, the greatest filly felon of our generation. Strike up the band, roll out the red carpet, get ready to be fitted for chains... w-what ? Why do you still find this so funny?! Don't you get it? Your species' freedom is over! Gone! Kaput! Bow down to your new Empress, thou unworthy hairless chimp!"
"Wow, that doobie I smoked last night must've been some really good shit, for me to imagine this surreal trip!" Tears of merriment continued to run down my creased-up face, as I addressed the weird hallucination right in front of me. "But apologies 'Cozy Glow', I can't stay and partake in any more fun. I'm going to step out with my girl this evening and have no time to chew the fat with stupid, whining, idiotic Worst Pony! So, I'll say my goodbyes now... but hang on in there, 'kay? A word of advice though: don't drop the soap in the shower, whatever you do!"
My insulting words to Cozy Glow made her usual pink hue go redder and redder, and it looked like she was about to burst into a kazillion pieces (please do). But just before the air could turn blue with her distinctly child-unfriendly profanity, a sinister thought seemed to pop into that unwholesome brainbox of hers, and she smirked from ear to ear.
"So, I am led to believe by your otherwise incoherent ramblings and your general lack of fear that you think this to be... a dream ?" The megalomaniac youngster had once more reverted to her usual tooth-rottingly 'sweet voice, and bat her eyelids coyly. "In that case, you wouldn't mind doing me a little favour, would you? If you commit this minor service for little ol' me, I swear I'll never trouble your pitiful self ever again. Do we have an arrangement?"
I should've known that crafty filly was up to something. I might've read the signs there and then, called the whole thing off, grabbed my jacket and got ready for a night of disco, dancing and (hopefully) devilish debauchery.
But no , thinking this surreal scene was still part of a drug-infused experience I was going through, I took the bait. Hook, line and sinker."Whatever you say, O bizarre remnant of my subconscious hatred. Would you like me to feed you one bag of oats, or two? Maybe plait your tail into pretty little braids?"
"No, no, nothing like that..." It was now 'Cozy Glow's' turn to laugh, a curiously joyless affair. "All I want you to do is reach into this hole like so... that's right... and take my hoof like this... you're doing so well, friend!... and wait until I say the magic words..."
"My computer better be back to normal after this, or I'm suing Hasbro!" I joked, slightly surprised at how real the fur on her limb felt. "Can't a guy get a bit of privacy these days, without some pastel pony pipsqueak appearing in his room with futile threats of world dominatio..."
ZAP ! Aanndd just like that, with a flash and a bang, I was gone.
Well, I wasn't actually 'gone' per se, but I was certainly no longer where I was before.
Instead, I was in a dark, dimly lit cave, with the sound of unseen creatures howling all around me and the feeling of cold iron under my tush. What the ...?
The only thing familiar in my new barred surroundings was the moderately-sized void floating in front of me, but even that seemed to be rapidly diminishing in size with every passing second.
It lingered around just long enough however, for me to get a full view through it of a bipedal figure leering in my direction, a very familiar one at that, mainly because it just so happened to be me .
Or the person I used to be, anyway.
"I don't know what possessed me to steal that body-swapping potion from Twilight's study, along with the dimensional device..." D-Did I really ever sound like that evilly maniacal? "But it all turned out for the best, and I couldn't have wished for a more deserving big-mouthed target! You're a bit fat, and you have certain 'parts' that'll take a while to get used to, but this could work out very well indeed! After all, in this skin I can blend with the natives whilst plotting their downfall, something I never could've done in my former equine shell! Have fun in your new home, oh rude one, and try not to worry... your stupid world is in good hoov... I mean , hands with me around to guide it! Now, where's that ringing and knocking sound coming from? Ooh , so loud... let's see what it is..."
And as the mystic hole disappeared into nothingness whilst I yelled at an insane child taking my place for my big night out, a few more disturbing facts came to life.
First of all, my new voice was like a girl's. A very young one at that.
Secondly, judging by how I now shivered and the general feeling of lightness around my person, I was completely naked.
Thirdly... well let's just cram everything else that bothered me into one paragraph, shall we? Where did these feathery wings come from? Why do I have four legs, and no arms? Why am I so small? Where the f*** is my dic ...
"Hey, you there. What do you think you're playing at?! Can't an ancient being serving a life sentence get any decent sleep around here?! Keep the noise down, or you'll get us both punished again! Just because we were pen-pals for all of a few months, doesn't mean I'll tolerate any nonsense! So shut up, and let me get some rest!"
I stopped my self-examination long enough to tilt my head at the irate individual located in the cage next to the one I now inhabited, a withered old geriatric centaur wearing a sleeping mask who'd obviously seen better days. I recognised him instantly as a pre-powered up Tirek, which couldn't be right as he was a fictional character...
But then again, so was I. Or, I thought so anyway.
Yet no amount of punching or pinching could awaken me from this horrific nightmare though, in fact it all caused me plenty of physical pain as if... it were real .
Which led me to one unbelievably horrifying, inescapable conclusion.
It was .
I screamed shrilly like the tiny filly I had now become, whilst Tirek put his head in his hooves in despair.
"Great, she's at it again. Aanndd here come the guards. Super ."
Author's Note
Yes, another Cozy Glow fic by me... this one with a HIE twist. What can I tell you... she's tons of fun to write about, and I wouldn't be too shocked if this wasn't the last.
Just as warning: this is about a completely made-up character who's views and appearance have no resemblance to my own at all. Honest.
I will continue soon, so look out for future updates. Bye for now!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 2: Getting Settled In
If Tirek's dire warning that the 'guards' were rapidly approaching was meant to calm me down, it somehow failed to have the desired effect.
You see, when you're sucked into a new world that hitherto only existed on the inside of a television set, and cast into the body of a little brat who you happen to despise with every fibre of your being... well, let's just say you have bigger problems to concern yourself with, at least from my now much smaller perspective.
I'd advanced from pinching my new pink fur everywhere to pulling at the feathers on my wings, and even decided to bash my head against the bars to prove to my hysterical self that this awful experience was little more than an imaginary continuum of my earlier psychedelic trauma.
You know, the one where a garishly-coloured filly poked her head out of my computer screen, when I was preparing to 'pop my cherry' that evening with the love of my life? Oh, how I shook with laughter at the time! Not so much now, oddly enough.
Ouch-ie ! Alas, the resulting headache from the metallic impact didn't exactly dispel the growing notion this was all actually happening (incredible as it may seem) .
The only reward I got for my determination was a throbbing lump on my scalp, and as I instinctively went to rub it, the sensation of fuzzy pointed ears where human ones used to exist didn't exactly reduce the very real possibly of an imminent nervous breakdown.
"Um, Prisoner 2, are you quite finished? Giving yourself an injury is not going to get you transferred to a more cushy location, you know. We have fully trained medical personal on standby to treat any potential emergencies, from a common cold to a cardiac arrest. So if that is your game, you might as well quit now, because it's not going to work."
What was that ? I stopped cradling my aching forehead long enough to glance up at the six, no, three (damn that temporary double vision) soldiers on the scene who were now staring quizzically at me from just outside my cage. The central stallion, the tallest one who proudly presented the Equestrian coat of arms seemed to be their leader, not to mention the pony who'd just chided me for my self-harm antics.
Well, not actually me, but that body-snatching, magic-swiping stark-raving-bonkers filly who even now was probably endangering my chance of everlasting happiness with the future mother of my children in another reality. Based on canonical evidence alone, Cozy Glow didn't give a hoot about personal relationships: she'd most likely have split up with my lady love at the front door soon after arriving on Earth, and then proceed to begin concocting her sinister plan for conquering mankind unabated.
Wait a second, what if just dumping my girlfriend isn't good enough for that crazy brat? What if Cozy decides to 'dump' her off a tall cliff instead, to eliminate any loose ends with my old life? And what if she decides to go further, and 'deal' with the rest of my family the same way? I mean, I've never really seen eye to eye with my dad, the stingy bastard. Also, ever since I unwittingly made the moves on my brother's fiancee one drunken Christmas party, we haven't exactly been bosom buddies either. But even so...
"H-Help! Y-You have to help me!!" The thought of my nearest and dearest being in mortal peril had finally broken the log jam in my mind, and somehow I managed to push all the pent-up shock of entering a new dimension to speak to these armoured ponies in desperation. Well, yell obnoxiously at them, really. "C-Cozy Glow... s-stole body... m-materialised in bedroom... s-she had Twilight's magical artefact and potion... I-I'm from another universe... n-need to get back there... p-people I care about... i-in terrible danger... wow, is that what I sound like?! Aargh , wing cramp!"
As you can see, I wasn't exactly at my coherent best during that particular moment, but I thought my summation of recent events was reasonably accurate. So, taking in a deep breath, I waited patiently for the guards to let me go, so I could head off to see one of the Princesses or something, and return to whence I belonged ASAP to 'take care of business'.
Sadly, as was going to be the case for a lot of whats to follow, things didn't quite work out that way. The first clue to my abject failure to communicate should've been an eavesdropping Tirek visibly hoofpalming in the background, as if even he was embarrassed for my performance.
As for the mini troupe of guards, the two side ones looked more nonplussed than ever before, while their commander, who obviously had no time for such silly shenanigans, came closer to address me gruffly from his previous vantage point.
"Miss Cozy Glow, whilst we all deplore your recent activities in almost stripping everypony in Equestria of their unique powers, no one ever accused you of lacking in imagination. I do have to say though, that's your most fantastical story yet! Why you wasted your talent on a futile mission to rule the world instead of trying to be a top-selling author is beyond me, as every other creature who's read about your case would agree. Still, as they say...' don't do the crime, if you can't serve the time'. Now, as to why we came over to speak to you in the first place..."
The captain's instant dismissal of my emotional pleas hit me like a ton of bricks, and it wasn't too long before my new girlish hormones began responding to my downbeat mood. Against my express wishes, a few stray tears began leaking forth from my sodden eyes, and only by sheer force of will was I able to avoid having a shameful bawl-fest in front of these burly stallions.
Unlike my somewhat garbled explanation as to what I'd been through earlier though, my watery display genuinely seemed to surprise the soldiers. I could see them whispering frantically in each other's ears, and even Mr Stoic himself looked as if he was a little touched.
"Well, I must tell you Miss Glow, if I wasn't so sure you were a nearly irredeemable equine of pure malice, I'd be tempted to rush in there myself now to give you the biggest hug. I have two daughters around your age though, so I suppose that makes me a bit more susceptible than most. That spontaneous crying just there almost seemed real, much more convincing than your usual crocodile tears! I would give you some credit for practicing, but considering how my unicorn wife was left stranded in a Fillydelphia hospital when you took away her powers, so she gave birth to our third child without me being present, my sympathy is in somewhat short supply for you right now. Now get ready to move, you have visitors. I won't ask again."
"V-Visitors?" My inquisitiveness as to who'd want to willingly seek the company of the foul filly who's frame I now frequented confused me adequately to halt the waterfall of moisture pouring down my cherubic cheeks. "B-But w-who ?!"
"You know dam - apologies, darn well 'who' Miss Glow, as you've been given constant reminders of this special occasion since you arrived this month, when we bring you your daily gruel." The commander almost let his anger spill over enough to utter a mild profanity in front of a 'child', but he quickly corrected himself. "I will now unlock your cage door, so please move to the back of the cell, and raise your hooves where I can see them. Any funny business, such as tickling me like last time and trying to fly away, will be met with the most fierce of sanctions. You wouldn't like us to clip your wings, would you?!"
I was sure the frustrated stallion with a personal grudge was just making empty threats, as none of the friendly ponies I know on the show would ever sign off on something so barbaric (they still stuck a little girl in the equivalent of Hell though, so go figure) but with an almost broken spirit by now, I saw no other choice but to agree.
"Good, we're finally getting somewhere. While you're gone, your entire living area will be searched thoroughly by me for any possible contraband. If you haven't brought anything in you shouldn't have, you have nothing to worry about. During your stay here, I can either be your best friend... or your worst enemy. Just make sure you never forget that." The captain finally looked like he was beginning to relax a little, which must've been a rare thing in his current assignment. After all, having a demented filly as resourceful as Cozy Glow around must keep you on your toes (or hooves) pretty much 24/7. No wonder he seemed so cranky, with bags the size of suitcases under his eyes.
Something else he'd said struck me though, and it helped clear up at least one mystery inside my utterly bewildered head. Of course , Cozy had to know that her cell would be inspected today, that's why she made good her escape! The guards would in all likelihood have discovered that potion and portal device, and that would've been it for her chances of getting away! That clever little... grr .
As much as I hated singing the praises of the former occupant of this wretched body I now forcibly inhabit, and couldn't help but have a reluctant admiration for the way she seemed to have left no stone unturned in her cunning plan. She left nothing to chance in her bid to conquer another world, seeing as she'd failed so miserably in Equestria.
Still, it doesn't mean I have to like her. The sneaky, nasty, conscience-less b*tch.
My train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the feeling of two pairs of hooves on my back, as the dual companions of the big boss man guided me out of the now unlocked cage to accompany me to see Celestia-knows-who. Great, now I'm even starting to use pony phrases instead of human ones. This time tomorrow, I'll probably be chewing grass and shitting on the floor. Oops, I almost forgot, they have private cubicles here. How civilised. I guess it'll be my first time in the 'ladies' soon. Whoopee.
During my short walk (which seemed longer than it should, thanks to my little legs) to meet the ones who deemed it necessary to say 'hello' to a Grade A sociopath, a few stray sights caught my eye to blessedly distract me from the awful situation I now found myself in, at least temporarily.
Tirek watching me depart with interest... a snoring Cerebus in the corner (boy, he was loud)... and the various other not-so mythical creatures I'd heard upon arrival, always trying to break free of their restraints to create strife in the world outside. Obviously helping Twilight break out had no positive effect on their mindsets at all: they were all just as belligerently 'evil' as before, showing this truly was the best place for them.
Well, whatever the case, it certainly wasn't the best place for me , or for the family and friends I needed to protect from the wiles of that incorrigible menace. I needed to blow this joint, reclaim the form that was rightfully mine, and stop that devious child once and for all. With any luck, whoever had just turned up could help me towards that goal. I crossed my hooves, more in hope than expectation.
At long last, we finally arrived at a door chiselled out roughly in the rock, which had evidently never been shown in the show. In big, bold letters the carving on the front said 'WAITING ROOM', it's purpose revealed straight away.
As soon as I got in there (with the guards waiting outside, so there must be no escape routes in here, mores the pity) I heard three voices engaged in what sounded like quite a feisty discussion. One was very familiar, the other two... not so much.
"...I assure you, she's receiving the very best care here! You have my solemn vow!"
"We're not disputing that! What we're telling you, is that it's highly inappropriate to hold our daughter inside arguably the worst jail in the whole of Equestria! Whatever her crimes might be, no child of her tender years deserves to be kept prisoner in such a dangerous environment, surrounded by such awful creatures too! Can't you think about this again, Miss Glimmer?"
"S-Sorry madam, whether I agree with you or not, my hooves are tied on this matter. It was Celestia herself who sent her here, and as you should be aware there's no higher authority than hers in the entire realm. If you want to discuss it with her, I'm sure we can set up a meeting..."
"You're darn right I want to 'discuss it with her'! In fact, I'd go further... if my daughter is not relocated to a proper facility pertaining to her age and needs, I shall see to it that there are pickets and protests everywhere, until this wholly unjustified verdict is overturned! We all know she did wrong, and must be punished. B-But not like this, not like this ... please, Miss Glimmer, me and and my wife are begging you to help us..."
"P-Please sir, while I want nothing more than to take you and your lovely wife's pain away, you have to understand.... this is completely out of my jurisdiction. The only thing I can do is try and counsel you three to mend your broken bond, as is my normal day job. Now, why don't we all sit down in quiet while we wait for..."
"COUGH COUGH "!
Obviously, I hadn't meant to choke there, it'd just slipped out due to all the dust emanating from the much neglected room. A shame really, because it sounded like quite an interesting conversation... which I'm sure wouldn't be continued with me hanging around.
Still, now that all three faces had spun around in my general direction, I could finally identify... well, at least one of them.
Starlight Glimmer was first up, the character with the weak backstory but strong development. Over three seasons since her conversion from bad to good, she's quickly grown into one of my favourite characters. If anypony, I mean 'anyone' can get me out of this mess, surely it has to be the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria! Suddenly, things were starting to look up a bit.
As for the other two ponies... well, they weren't familiar to me at all . I've seen all the episodes multiple occasions, too. Yep, I'm a 'total nerd'. You wanna make something of it?
Now, lets see... both are pegasi, one is a female whose coat is pink with a queen piece from chess as a cutie mark, whilst the other one is male whose fur is almost as blue as the sky, and his special symbol is that of the king from the same game. Now, I'm quite sure I've never seen either of them before, even as background ponies. In that case, why do they seem so...?
Then in hit me. Pale pink, like my own coat. Light blue, like my current atrocious mane-style.
All the pieces were beginning to fit, and I needed to sit down.
T-These are Cozy Glow's parents, and for the time being, mine too.
Things just got a whole lot more complicated. Just what I need.
Author's Note
Wow! Almost 300 followers and over 100 likes for this fic in almost a single day! I was going to work on something else after this story for a bit, but due to the unprecedented success of the first chapter, have a VERY early release of Chapter 2! You're welcome!
And just as a heads-up: While they'll still be a lot of comedy in the story, I intend to focus on other things too, so expect a few dramatic moments to accompany the general craziness. So I'm adding an extra genre to the tags. Hope you don't mind. Anyway, on with the show!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 3: The First Session Begins
So, these are the proud-as-punch parents who were responsible for unleashing this horror into the world, and disciplining her so poorly she nearly destroyed all of Equestria in her endeavours. Well, as much as I'd like to publicly eviscerate them for the terrible job they did in raising her, this probably isn't the most opportune time or venue. As loathe as I am to continue masquerading as this awful creature, it might be tactically wise to let things settle down a bit before I announce that I'm not quite who they think I am. With any luck, they'll want their real daughter back and not want to keep me trapped inside this child's body. It might be less certain than I think... Celestia knows, I haven't exactly got the most winning personality ever, but compared to Cozy's, I'm Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela wrapped into one perfect package. Now, onto the subject of how to break the ice with these unknown equines...
Whilst a pensive Starlight stared at me blankly and my 'folks' seemed to be auditioning for the Mannequin Challenge (guys, move on... that is so last year), I had the opportunity to assess the tense situation with a degree of nervousness, not sure whether to play it cool or lay out all my cards on the table. In the end I decided a combination of the two approaches was my best chance of success, and to kick things off a nice, friendly handshake would do for starters.
But as I ventured forward, left forehoof extended out to greet these nameless individuals (side note: the fingerless hooves are going to take a lot of getting used to), it turned out that Mama Cozy Glow already had other plans.
"M-MY BABY !!" blasted like a foghorn in my ear, and suddenly she launched herself right at me: 'Queenie' (my nickname for the pink mare until I learn what she's actually called) sailed through the air at light speed to unceremoniously grab me with both hooves and embrace me in the tightest hug I'd ever experienced. I bet people who wrestle bears don't have as much pressure forced upon their ribcages as I have right now. If I see Fluttershy later on during my (hopefully) brief stay in Equestria, perhaps I'll ask her myself.
Her wings were fully cloistered around me too, which in itself made breathing a real chore, when you have itchy feathers blocking up both channels of your airways. But as I gasped and choked and begged for the tension on my chest to be relived just a tad, the hug seemed to get stronger and stronger, and in my new punified pony form I could do precisely nothing about her over-affectionate administrations. It looked like I was going to be squashed as flat as a pancake by my own 'mother', before I even had chance to take revenge on the filly who got me into this mess. Talk about an ignominious end.
But just as it seemed as though It would be Queenie that would lead to my untimely demise instead of her woebegone offspring (oh, irony of ironies) a firm male voice sounded from just behind the crushing mare, which obviously belonged to the blue stallion I'd seen before. I suppose I'll be calling him 'Kingie', then. (I like naming things!! Please don't take this simple joy away from me.)
"That's enough Cozy Nook, can't you see she's had enough? You don't want to squeeze the life out of our precious when we've just reconnected with her after so many months of estrangement, do you? Please sit down... don't you realise you're embarrassing Miss Glimmer with that over-the-top display, too? " Kingie spoke with an undertone of wry amusement, as though he was used to this kind of dramatic behaviour from his life partner.
"O-Oh, don't worry about me, I'm absolutely fine." Through the morass of pink plumage that now covered my eyes, I could just about spot a captivated Starlight frantically taking notes. I noticed she put on this facade of utmost professionalism, but the way she was recording it for posterity at such a speed suggested it was extremely interesting for her. "Seeing parents and children interact after long periods apart is a field I haven't fully explored yet, so this is all very educational! Please feel free to continue, though you might want to loosen your grip just a bit, Mrs Nook. My pony biology might not match my degree in psychology, but I don't think her cheeks are supposed to be that colour..."
"See, Sky Glow... Miss Glimmer doesn't mind at all! And while I'll take a seat now, I don't care what you say... my darling is staying in my arms for as long as I'm here! I never want to let her out of my sight ever again!" At last, the vice-like sensation on my new fragile body eased up, and instead of being smothered to death by an over-attentive parent, I found myself carried like a foal over to a nearby chair. One hoof on my back, one hoof on my butt, (obviously Cozy Nook had no comprehension of proper boundaries) I felt myself being gently rocked as a devoted mother figure carefully scanned my tiny form in the most painstaking detail. And I thought my last physical was mortifying...
"Hang on , what's this?!" The shriek-like shout from 'Mummy Dearest' had now returned with a vengeance, and this time she was stabbing her hoof directly at my cranial area. "She'll get 'the best of care here', you said! Well, what do you call this giant bump the size of a dragon's egg on her head, then?! Don't tell me some of the guards have been... how dare you roughhouse my daughter in this manner! However uncooperative she might've been, and I know she can be very difficult, there's no excuse for hitting her! I want a full investigation into who perpetuated this outrage and for them to be summarily dismissed as soon as you find the guilty party! If this truly is 'the best of care', I'd hate to see what the worst is!"
"I-I'm so sorry, Mrs Nook! It is completely against regulations for anypony to strike a prisoner, no matter how heinous their crimes might be! A-And, I'm sure that goes double for minors! As soon as we're finished here, I'll head straight down to speak to the head guard on duty to find out the origin of your daughter's injury!" Starlight struggled to quell the anger of my incensed 'mother', and I began to have some sympathy for the flustered unicorn. How was she to know it was a self-inflicted injury, by a man-turned-filly still trying to make some sense in the crazy world he now found himself in?
On the plus side, this would be a great opportunity to get payback on that stupid commander who wouldn't even listen to my pleas for help earlier. Put it this way: from what I've seen so far, triggering my new mum is more dangerous than breaking a Pinkie Promise, or withholding cake from Celestia. 'Hell hath no wrath than a pissed off mother', I suppose.
"...She's much quieter than normal, her mane and tail are tied all wrong, and what exactly are you feeding her on, air? This is the skinniest I've ever seen her, I do hope 'starvation' isn't another of your cruel and unusual punishments here...!" Cozy Nook continued to rail against the supposably harsh regime her daughter (i.e, me) was experiencing, all whilst prodding and poking the associated regions with great gusto.
In my world, you could get someone arrested for this kind of invasive conduct... but seeing as in Equestria, hugging total strangers voraciously seems to be the national pastime, I guess this is just accepted as normal behaviour. Unfortunately.
"U-Um, I have gruel bought to me daily... I-I think?" Fed up of feeling like a lifeless doll, I decided to actually contribute towards the conversation based on what I'd been told earlier in my cell. "Y-Yeah, love me some gruel!"
"Gruel ?!" Cozy Nook spat out that single word as if were poisonous, while I was almost dropped on the floor in shock. "Just how do you expect a growing filly to... no wonder it looks as if she's wasting away!! I suppose if she gets a glass of water with it, that's considered a luxury, hmm?! Right, that does it! We're taking her out of here this instant , whatever the consequences! From what I've seen so far, this place is worse than a death sentence! Don't worry darling, Mummy will soon have you back in your nice, warm bed in the clouds, mark my words! We'll get the best lawyer..."
"C-C-Cozy Nook!! Please try to control yourself! As much as we both share the same concerns for our daughter's welfare, aren't you forgetting what she did to end up here? Don't you remember the huge trial? She was considered to be an 'enemy of the state'! We can't just swoop her out of here, as tempting as it might be... we'd be hunted fugitives, and never be safe anywhere ever again! Let's deal with this sensibly, shall we? Who knows what Miss Glimmer is making of all this! I want to see her moved somewhere less draconian as much as you, but these things take time..." An increasingly agitated Sky Glow was apparently the more rational of the couple, contrary to initial impressions.
He had a point though... as much as I wanted to hightail it outta this shit-hole as soon as possible, maybe patience was the way to go. After all, if I was 'on the run', how the heck was I going to return to Earth? I was sure to need the help from one member of the royal family sometime in my quest, and it would be a bit difficult to approach them with as a wanted criminal. Best to clear my name (Not Cozy's) first, convince everypony I wasn't who I looked like and then move onto the tricky issue of hopping dimensions again to save my girlfriend and real family next. Piece of cake... yeah, right .
"Y-Your husband is right, Mrs Nook! Creating a big scene now would only end in complications later on, and might even lead to the suspension of your visitation rights!" Starlight spoke each word there with visible regret, for she must know that while the rules might sound harsh, that was the reality they were in. "I swear to you on my honour as a counsellor and the former student of a Princess, I will do everything within my power to improve conditions for your daughter for as long as she's here! I'm sure a lot of the current problems can be ascertained by the unsuitability of Tartarus's design to hold a filly so young, and if it isn't possible to have her relocated elsewhere, this will have to change. That's about all I can promise for now, given my lack of input during the decision portion of her confinement in the first place..."
I was caught in two minds regarding Starlight's point of view. On the one hoof, considering the outrageous acts of pure evil Cozy Glow had perpetrated on everypony on the show and now me, I would say: lock 'er up, swallow the key, and go off to live a long and bountiful life. Also, let the screeching in the ears as you leave her to rot be a soothing melody that would lull you to sleep every night. Bliss, wonderful bliss!
However, considering it was now me who happened to be 'squatting' inside the warped brain of this treacherous junior tyrant, all that well-deserved punishment currently would only affect yours truly... so let's have some leniency, shall we? As soon as my soul is sucked out of this misanthrope and replaced, they can do whatever they like to her, but for now I had to regrettably treat this filly's body like it was my own. In other words, no more head-butting iron bars.
"Oh, alright... but as long as you confer the full extent of my unhappiness regarding this completely unacceptable state of affairs to the very top, and give us regular updates as to her treatment and progress!" Cozy Nook eventually backed down with great reluctance, as any sane pony would in this no-win argument. "Also, as soon as Celestia sees sense and decides that my daughter is better off in another location that isn't full of doom, gloom, murderous monsters and unsatisfying meals, you notify me at once! Finally, I meant what I said... track down whichever stallion struck my baby in anger, and fire them at once! Or, I'll see the Crown in court! Did you get all that, Miss Glimmer?!"
"Y-Yes. D-Definitely. W-Whatever you say." I really felt even more for Starlight at that moment, having never seen her this out of depth in the show. After all, friendship problems and Trixie must seem like a breeze compared to dealing with pushy parents. "A-Anyway, shall we begin what we came here to do in the first place? After so many distractions at the start of the session, I'm not even sure how much time we have left. If you'd like to put Cozy Glow down now please, so all three of us can address her at once."
As my 'mother' reluctantly at last deposited me on terra firma again (though is it just me, or was I starting to miss the warmth... nah, it's all in my head) I wondered what 'fun and games' were due next for this bracing encounter. Perhaps I'd get the chance to say more than a few words, now? Yeah, that'll be nice. I just hope I can do 'the voice', so they don't get suspicious. Let's see, wasn't it kind of like Little Orphan Annie on steroids ...?
Sadly, I didn't have much more time to think, before a whole host of difficult questions began arriving thick and fast:
"Why did you run away to Twilight's school for all those months, without even so much as a letter?! You had us worried out of our minds!" A pleading Cozy Nook was desperate to know.
"Indeed! Instead, you chose to write to that heathen Tirek. Whatever possessed you to ask his help in conquering the world? Did we not give you everything you ever wanted?" An inquisitive Sky Glow raised an eyebrow.
"Apparently, you've had problems with forming proper relationships for years, long before I met you. Rather, manipulation and coercion have been your only friends, in getting what you think you deserve... which is very sad. Would you like to discuss it now, or wait until after your family's gone? I can arrange a private meeting with you later, if you want." Starlight Glimmer beamed at me optimistically.
I looked at each one of their staring faces petrified, not having the first clue as to what I should do next.
For you see, when good ol' Cozy Glow departed for pastures new, she took all her personal details and history with her, leaving me with something between bupkis and diddly squat of her old memories.
It looked like my improv skills were about to be well and truly put to the test....
Only problem is, the last time I tried to act, I flunked big time.
It was the end of term play at school, and I failed my audition miserably...
As a tree.
A F***ING TREE.
Help !!
Author's Note
Another update, you say?! Don't mind if I do.
This story is great fun to write, and hopefully enjoyable to read, too. Each chapter now will probably be between 2k to 3k words long, just to let you know. Bye for now!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 4: An Eventful Meeting
Should I just blurt out with the truth regarding my tragic situation? There's bound to be some way I can convince my fellow quadrupeds I'm not the most evil child since that possessed kid who spewed pea soup everywhere in The Exorcist. Nah, they'd probably just think I was insane, and I'd end up in behind bars in the nut house instead of Tartarus.
Hang on... does Ponyville even have a mental institution? And if it does, chances are it's better than being stuck in a cage next to a crusty old centaur. Maybe I have nothing to lose... but everything to gain... it's a real Catch-22 situation right here...
Alas, my cliche-ridden soliloquy was interrupted by cold, hard reality, as I felt a warmly smiling Starlight guide me over to a nearby chair. Considering the wicked soul that inhabited this body before me nearly reduced her to a magic-less husk, she was being far more cordial to Cozy Glow that I would've been.
I shan't go into great detail about how I would've taken sweet, sweet revenge, but here's a sneak peek. It involves chloroform, a reclining chair, a length of rope and lots of sharp, rusty dental implements. You do the math.
"Take your time, Cozy. I understand how all this must be a bit overwhelming, after everything you've already gone through." Starlight continued her friendly tone of voice, and she was absolutely right. Just not quite in the way she intended. "But I really think, if you try and open up a bit, and let us know what's been troubling you, we can make great strides to help you find the right path again. You may not believe me, but a few short years ago I was very much like you are now. Bitter against the world, desperate to shape it as I saw fit, no matter what the cost..."
"...Yeah, yeah. I know all this already. You were abandoned by your bestie Sunburst as a filly, but rather than try to make new friends, you decided to brainwash and enslave an entire village into discarding their Cutie Marks. Makes perfect sense to me... not . Then, after Twilight and co wrecked your alleged paradise, you stalked them for the rest of the season, before getting involved in some goofy time travel hi-jinx that nearly ended in the extinction of all known life. Long story short: you gave up your radical equalist views, changed your hairdo and became a certain alicorn's very own prize pupil. Whoopee for you, but you're not the one whose girlfriend is right now on a date with that mad filly Cozy Glow... oops ." So fed up was I at being pandered in such an infantile way, my stream of consciousness went unfiltered from my mouth, until I realised maybe I'd said a bit too much.
This nagging suspicion was somewhat confirmed by Starlight's aghast, ashen face pulling away from mine, whilst my pretend parents just looked very confused. "H-How did you... o-only me and my closest confidantes know... w-when did you find out..."
I have to give credit to the mollified unicorn at this juncture. As soon as her crestfallen expression appeared, it vanished in the blink of an eye. Obviously, keeping a scintilla of professionalism at all times was very important to her, as much as she probably wanted to smack this cheeky upstart right now around the chops. Hey Star, when I return to my old 'handsome' self, d'ya mind if I join you?
"Of course. You had the entire run of the School Of Friendship for at least twenty-four hours, before we took back control. Who knows what else you could've got up to in that time..." Starlight muttered, half to herself. What, you mean like stealing a dimension-hopping device and body-swapping potion from the supply closet? Never ! "Everything I went through in life was carefully documented in my personal journal, which I wrote as per Twilight's request as part of coming to terms with my turbulent past. To find out it's location though, read it without permission and reveal it's contents in front of your parents so brazenly though... that just proves one thing to me..."
Oh, great. I really screwed the pooch this time (sorry, Winona). Now I've probably lost the one influential ally I could feasibly say I had in this crazy world. In fact, now she thinks I perused her private diary. she'll no doubt recommend I stay locked up for an extra long stretch. By the time I'm released, even if I do manage to get back to Earth, everyone I know will be dead and the planet will be taken over by a freckled hoofbag... who everyone will think is me. So I'll be hated in the wonderful world of Equestria, and in my own universe too. Ain't life grand?
"... It means you need even more love and support than I thought before you came in!" Out of all the many variations of 'I hate u, u suck, go kill urself' I was expecting to emerge from Starlight's lips, this unprecedented display of magnanimity wasn't anywhere among them. "The fact you went to all that trouble, along with all your other convoluted schemes over the last few months, proves to me that you're desperately searching for validation, but are looking in all the wrong places. It's up to me to help you discover what your true purpose is, no matter how long it takes. To start with, I think we should have thrice weekly therapy sessions, then maybe it that goes well, we can begin more intensive attempts at rehabilitation..."
"...Come again?" I knew that Starlight was doing her best under very trying circumstances, bless her cotton socks. But it all sounded like incoherent psychobabble to me, and if this was some kind of well-meaning penance for failing to convert Chrysalis onto the side of all things cute and fluffy, then it was doomed to failure.
For one thing, judging by the disturbingly warped face Cozy Glow pulled at the end of School Raze, I have my reservations as to whether she could be reformed at all , despite her relatively tender years. And another reason, this one slightly more pertinent: she's lecturing a twenty-something bloke whose worse crime is forging sick notes to get out of gym practice, which isn't quite on the same level as magical genocide.
Unless your moral compass is extremely askew.
"Hang on Ms Starlight, I'm somewhat confused..." after hearing so much nonsensical drivel being spouted over the last few minutes, it was a genuine surprise that Cozy Nook hadn't jumped in earlier. "What was all that about enslaving villages and dystopian time-travel? Also, which 'season' did you follow other ponies around in? That seems quite an odd thing to say, even for my darling Cozy."
"...Not to mention our precious calling herself mad, speaking of herself in the third pony and having a 'girlfriend'." Sky Glow pointed out a few other peculiarities with my speech, before hastily clarifying his words. "I-I mean, I'm as open minded as the next stallion, and I'd love my daughter whatever her sexuality. But isn't nine years old a little too young to be thinking of dating, whatever the gender?"
"Please, settle down." Starlight waved away the pegasi's frantic questions, before things got totally out of control. "Like your daughter, there are some earlier parts of my life where I wasn't exactly a model citizen, but unlike her escapades they're not exactly very well-documented. I would ask you to keep the details of those incidents from a wider audience for now, and in return I promise to explain more why at a later date. All I'll say for now, is that I use them as a strong incentive to make sure that no other colt or filly makes the same mistakes, so rest assured Cozy Glow will get the very best counselling from somepony who's walked in her horseshoes. As for name-checking herself, well you ought to meet my close companion Trixie who does it all the time. It can sound a bit weird at first, but it's a perfectly natural way of expressing oneself, I-I think. Anyway, shall we 'crack on', as it were?"
There then began around an hour of some of the most intrusive grilling you're ever likely to hear from outside a police interview room. With Starlight taking the lead, I was asked repeatedly about my foalhood, my emotional state, my motives for doing what I did... and through it all, I kept my answers as short and sweet as possible, nodding my head at all the relevant parts and using a few speculative head-canons of the show I'd seen online to 'fill in the blanks'.
All things considered, I think it went rather well. I didn't faint, I didn't curse and at no point was I even tempted to run off screaming that I was an unfortunate victim of a new kind of equine identity theft.
...Well, maybe later. Let's see how this all pans out first.
.........................................
And so it was as I was led back to my 'luxury accommodation' afterwards, feeling tired, fed-up and with a very sore midriff where Mummy Dearest had taken it upon herself to squeeze me like a stubborn bottle of ketchup before she was forced to leave.
It took the combined strength of Starlight's powerful magic and Sky Glow's wings flapping at full pelt to remove her from my puny frame, and it was with some reluctance I left her behind sobbing as I was bundled away by the guards.
So what if we're not actually related? I hate to see anyone crying hysterically like that, pony or otherwise. Shoot me. But wait 'til I've returned to my original self, if you please.
In other words, the very last thing I needed right now was some chuckling half-breed in the cell opposite to mine making cryptic comments aimed at yours truly. "So, I hope it went well in there, 'Cozy Glow'. I trust they believed your completely unfabricated story?"
"What's it to you, mush?" I snapped, wondering when my daily gruel was due to arrive. Despite its unappetising sound, at that point I was so hungry I could've eaten a hors... actually, scratch that idea.
"Oh nothing, I was just wondering if those fools had figured out the truth about your real self by now. Fancy being abducted suddenly from your dimension like that, and ending up in the body of a feeble filly. You poor thing..." Tirek continued to eye me mirthfully, a sadistic gleam reflecting from his wrinkled eyes.
It was then I stopped worrying about din-dins and spun around anxiously to face the smug hybrid head on. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about, you crazy old geezer. It's a-me, Cozy Glow. Evil plot hatcher and curly-hair stylist extraordinaire. I don't know who you think I am, but maybe it's about time to get those cataracts looked at."
If it'll been my intention to intimidate Tirek in any way, shape or form, then my pathetic posturing would appear to have backfired spectacularly. He regarded me with an unimpressed glower, before matter-of-factly saying. "I suppose, if I didn't have cast-iron proof, your current switch in personality and tone could be put down to the after-effects of concussion. But as it is, it's just the final piece of a puzzle that's now been completed. Now, I have just one thing to tell you..."
Oh no. It really is fill-your-trousers time now, isn't it? If I was wearing any, that is. Out of all the creatures of Equestria who could've come round to believing me, why did it have to be this guy? And what is he going to do with this priceless knowledge? I braced myself for what he was about to say next...
"Hello. My name is Tirek, but you may call me 'Lord Tirek'. 'The Rightful Ruler Of This Wretched World' works for me, too. And who, if you'll pardon the question, might you be?"
Author's Note
Hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas! Well, our hero isn't, but that goes without saying. I hope to get another chapter out before New Year, so look out for it. Bye for now!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 5: Conversations With Tirek
"...And so that's how I found myself butt naked in Equestria, watching my former self dash off to steal my girl, and probably tie her up on some railway tracks later. The rest of my family and friends will I'm sure also be part of the bloody massacre, but in this feeble filly facade, there's little I can do to stop my muscular adonis body from destroying everything I hold dear. Well okay, I suppose I could do without my emaciated ninety-two year old Granny, she reeks of stale urine and whacks me with her walking stick whenever I try helping her into a wheelchair. She's also got this little rat of a terrier that always goes for my balls after I ring her doorbell, but I'll save that gripping tale for later. Everyone else though... I'm kinda shitting bricks round about now, dude."
If you'd told me this time yesterday that I'd be stuck in the accursed form of an equine child, substituting the dreaded Tirek for a psychiatrist and indiscriminately swearing every chance I got in a Hasbro tm owned franchise (aside from Monopoly, everyone drops the F bomb after becoming bankrupt), I'd have thought you were absolutely certifiable. And not let you drive home alone without being thoroughly breathalysed first.
But here I am, and there he is. The sensation of a cold iron floor under my clip-clopping feet doesn't lie, and neither does the growing headache from my, in hindsight, stupidly Close Encounter Of The Iron Bar Kind. I wonder if they sell aspirin here... well, of course not. Such a medication would undoubtedly prove toxic to a sweet lil horsie like me, but the way things were going south right now, suicide might almost be a plausible option.
Hey, don't entirely dismiss the notion out of hoof! I can just picture it now... the producers could devote 'A Very Special Episode' on the controversial subject, and offer numerous helplines at the end as the credits closed in meaningful silence. With my honourable sacrifice, I could save thousands of lives, and give the studio a plethora of Daytime Emmy awards... but on second thoughts, nah.
The real Cozy Glow, in all her loathsome glory, would still be out there traipsing around Earth in my repossessed carcass, and I'm not letting her get off that easy! By the time I've finished with her, she's going to wish she never set foot in the hallowed ground of my bedroom!
Speaking of which, I do hope she doesn't find that loose plank in the corner: that collection of 'artistic' magazines underneath took me literally years to build up. Ah, how I loved my misspent youth, with the curtains drawn and the hand cream out. Of course, in my current state, I'd have to find some other way to pleasure mysel... grr. Cozy Glow, whatever other depraved things you might do, you DON'T mess around with a man's basic rights!
"I see, I see..." Tirek seemed to be expending a great deal of effort in maintaining his current expression, after my heartrending tale of woe had finally ended. "That's a terrible thing to have happen to you! Awful . Truly tragic . But, and I hope you don't think me too upfront for doing this, might I respond by asking you one simple question?"
"Just the one?" I arced an eyebrow, somewhat confused. "I just told you about an alternate universe where bipedal simians generally think that your entire civilisation is just something to entertain their kiddies whilst they do the dishes, and you only have a single inquiry?! Well, fire away I guess. After all, it's not like I'm going anywhere... for now ."
"Well, it's kind of a complicated one, so listen close." The deadpan centaur leaned over with uncommon seriousness, and I too craned my neck as far within the confines of this cage as I could manage. "What I want, nay, need to know is... what kind of parents name their son 'Nigel'?! That's the cruelest thing I've ever heard! If I were you, I'd stick to being called 'Cozy Glow', even if you ever change back. You'll get much more respect and credibility that way, believe me!"
Tirek could contain his merriment no more, and he collapsed in a fit of coarse laughter which echoed around the spacious chamber. The monsters in the next room responded to the wretched centaur's amusement by similarly howling or growling in chorus, and soon the entire atmosphere seemed to drown within a cauldron of noise.
"W-Well... it's not like I had any choice in the matter. What sort of a stupid name is 'Tirek', anyway?! That sounds like a product I'd use to bleach around the u-bend of my toilet! 'Tirek... removes all stains and leaves a refreshing lemony scent behind for your behind'." Desperate to preserve some dignity, I lied through my teeth at how much cooler his birth name was than mine. "Come to think of it, what's your story? How were you so sure that I wasn't your cellmate a while back? I just gave you a full debriefing of everything that led me to be in this horrible situation, the very least you could do in return is inform me of this incontrovertible evidence you have that I'm an 'imposter'."
"What?! How dare you demand anything of Lord Tirek! If you value your wretched life one iota, you'll stand down now before I smite you with all my migh... oh, alright then." Like so many 'tough' guys I've known, Tirek talked a good game, but when it came to the crunch he predictably folded like a wet rag. "Remember those letters Cozy Glow sent me, over the last few months? Along with her plans to rule as Empress, she always professed a strong interest in multi-dimensional travel and body switching, and I thought with her mindset she'd find a way to try both someday. You see, despite what you see on the surface, she's always suffered from crippling self-esteem issues about how she looks and her place in Equestria. Probably something to do with her overbearing parents wanting to control every aspect of her life. I don't see what the problem is with that approach, myself. Many centuries ago, my folks were exactly the same... and look at how I turned out!"
"U-Uh, yeah. I was about to say the same thing! Kinda." Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, I let that last remark pass without further comment. "Well, if that's supposed to make me feel sympathetic towards her, then sorry Toots, no dice. My permanently pissed Dad used to spank me when I was knee high to a grasshopper, and he never gave me so much as a crust of bread. Mum didn't really do much to stop him, but her I can forgive since she was pretty much under his thumb. In any case, you don't see me trying to destroy every living being on Earth just because I had a rotten upbringing. That excuse won't wash now, and as far as I'm concerned it never will. However many heartstrings the hack writers shamelessly try to twang."
Tirek by now had ceased his obnoxious cackling, and now stared down piteously at me like I was unworthy of his attention. "You talk too much. I have no idea what you're saying half the time. And worst of all, you're boring . If you want a hug and a kiss for being such a brave filly/colt, I suggest you go and bother those pesky ponies instead. In the meantime, you should know that if I don't get my state mandated sixteen hours of sleep a day, I'm liable to get kind of cranky. So, while it was fun at first to hear about your perpetual suffering, the novelty has long since worn off. If you're going to stay, stay. If you're going to go, go. But whatever you do, please give this old fellow a few blissful moments of quiet. Once I've nodded off, you can complain as much as you like. Even a magic blast at point blank range wouldn't disturb me then."
Isn't it just typical. You confess all your deepest fears and private emotions to a murderous dictator, and all you get in return is the bum's rush. Whoever saw that one coming?
I was just about to turn away in a huff to leave the miserable ol' sack of bones to his long nap, when suddenly something he'd said sent alarm bells ringing in my head, and had me rushing back so quickly I nearly impacted the iron bars cranially at excess force once more.
"What do you mean 'if I'm going to stay, stay?' Are you telling me... I actually have a choice in the matter?!"
Tirek was already curled up on the floor in preparation for his shuteye (less like a cute cat, more like a grotesque lump) but he slowly turned his head at my question, sighing as he replied as though I was mentally deficient for even asking.
"You don't honestly think somepony as resourceful as Cozy Glow wouldn't have another escape route, if her plan went wrong? I always wondered why she so willingly returned the keys to that guard the day after he 'accidentally' dropped them. Or why she seemed so determined to borrow a bar of soap at the time. She only ever shampooed her mane when they turned the hose on us every evening, so why bother asking for an item you don't even intend on using?"
"I...see ." Humouring the senile geriatric seemed the best idea at this juncture, but this tiresome game was getting me nowhere fast. "As fascinating as it is to hear the aspects of prison life you'd never see on the show, how does hearing that help me abscond from this tick-ridden hellhole in any way, shape or form?"
"First of all, it's 'roaches', not 'ticks'. You'll know the difference when they start biting you each day, everyday. And, do you really want me to spell it out for you? Geez, where you come from they must really value the education of their young!" The weary centaur sarcastically remarked, deeply yawning to show row upon row of crooked, blackened teeth. Not a pretty sight. "What is it you can do with a bar of soap and an impression of a key? Please, do take your time figuring it out. It's not like I'm about to lapse into a coma any minute now."
I was about to say something quite profane to Tirek, involving the insertion of a certain metallic item up a very delicate part of his anatomy.
But then (very conveniently) I remembered one aimless day ages ago, I was flicking through the channels on cable, desperately searching for something to distract me from my depressing existence. That was when I stumbled across an old black and white prison movie, but before I got bored and switched it to Tom And Jerry I recalled the big getaway scene.
"You mean, you think she made a copy of the key?" I thought out loud, remembering how far-fetched I'd found the whole unlikely scenario to be. "B-But, I thought that was just a Hollywood fantasy! Even if it wasn't make-believe, don't you need specialist equipment to finish the job, or something? How can you possibly manufacture another duplicate with just a..."
"Don't ask me how it was done. Sounds like far too much effort to me, when it would just take a burst of my unsurpassed power to shatter these bars into millions of pieces. I'm just biding my time, that's all." Tirek said with an evil grin, neglecting to mention the fact that he was bone dry of magical energy right now. "Anyway, you might want to check that spot in your cage over there. I'd often see Cozy gloating and manically laughing whilst hunched in that position, and it looked like some kind of hatch was open from below. A secret trapdoor, perhaps?"
I didn't waste any more time in asking about the likelihood of all this happening. I first galloped then dived straight onto the place where Tirek indicated with a shaking hoof, and in no time at all found a suspiciously hollow area underneath. Upon discovering the catch and flinging it open, I discovered quite a roomy area... perfect for hiding contraband from any suspicious guards who might be snooping around (Like a time travel device and body swap potion , I thought somewhat aggrieved).
But still, what's done is done, and right now my first and only priority is stopping a deranged filly from ruining my entire life and, even worse, shagging my girl. I frantically fumbled around in the dark, hoping against hope that this wasn't a dead end and I didn't have to be permanent neighbours with an old geezer who probably snored like a drain and didn't even brush his fangs after every... got it !
I couldn't believe my eyes. There it was, as bold as brass (what with it being a brass object and all), the 'key' to my salvation. I had no idea how it was created, or why Cozy never got around to using it herself, but frankly none of that mattered right now.
I'd done it! I could get out of here! I could go home ! I could beat the living snot out of Cozy Glow! I could still pop my cherry by my next birthday! I could...
"Hey, is your memory as bad as your hairdo? I thought I told you to pipe down!" Tirek hissed in anger, for without realising it, I'd spent the last few second hooting and hollering like an obsessed football fan. (That's British soccer, for the uninitiated).
"S-Sorry, I'm just really excited, that's all." I said, managing to compose myself before inching towards the cage's lock. "I never thought I'd be saying this to you of all uh, creatures, but from the bottom of my heart I thank you, Tirek. You know what? A lot of my fellow bronies think you're this pathetic washed-up old relic who should've been put out to pasture years ago, but you're alright by me!"
"Charmed, I'm sure." Tirek muffled his reply, trying hard as he possibly could to drop off. "But why are you trying to leave right now? Wouldn't it be better idea to wait, until you're absolutely sure the coast is clear?"
"Not a chance, the sooner I get out of here, the quicker I can find Twilight or somepony of similar stature and put an end to this mess once and for all!" I said without hesitation, trying to display less anxiety than I currently felt. These sweaty pits were a dead giveaway, though. "Now, what's the fastest route out of here on foot, and how can I go through the magically protected main gate...?"
"Um, hello? Aren't you forgetting those feathery stubs sprouting from your sides? I believe the pegasi call them 'wings'?" Tirek commented with obvious irritation, showing once and for all he couldn't wait to see the back of me. Hmph. "As for the gate, well that's an obstacle you'll have to figure out for yourself, isn't it?"
"I guess so..." I pondered cluelessly, before another aimless thought popped into my already overburdened brain. "You know, I'm actually think I'm going to miss you. If I had the key to your cell too, I'd let you out and we could go 'on the lam' together. We could've made a great criminal partnership, like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Or Flim and Flam, if you want a more local comparison."
"Oh, don't concern yourself with me. I'd only slow you down, what with my constant need to sleep and moan about everything. There's also my innate hostility which makes me want to shamelessly betray and brutally slaughter everypony in sight, but that's much milder in the great scale of things. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Whatever you say, Tirek." By this point I wasn't really listening, for I was too focused on unlocking the cage, flinging it open before trying out my wings. "Hey, this is much easier than I thought! I can already hover, and flutter around in a semi-circle. Twilight, eat your heart out! No flight lessons required for me! With a little more practice, I think I could be a pro..."
Oops, no time for that . My attention is drawn to the sound of an approaching soldier, and from a distance I can see him carrying something in his arms. Hopefully not a weapon, but I wasn't about to wait and find out.
"Gottagobyeseeyouinyournextepisode!" Fear and determination seemed to give me 'wings' (ha ha), and with very little extra effort I soon found myself vaulting through the air at a speed that even Rainbow Dash would've be totes jealous of. Sensei, I'll make you proud !
Anyway, it wasn't too long before I zipped past the somewhat nonplussed guard in the corridor, as I inexorably made my way towards the front gate. With all my innate knowledge of the show, I was sure to find a solution to 'Open Sesaming' that sucker up without spending ages trying to acquire the right artefact.
I'll leave that kind of sneaky chicanery to the experts. Like, you know, the former occupant of this body, who I'm afraid will soon be D.O.A as soon as the Big Switcheroo has been reversed.
Best say goodbye to her whilst you still have the chance, folks.
......................................
"W-What in Equestria was that pink blur that just flew past me? And why was it saluting?! I swear, the molten fumes here are starting to affect my health. Time to cash in my vacation days, and have a well deserved break." Iron Clad stammered in shock as he staggered confused into the main prison area. He was so in need of reassurance, that even resorting to a conversation with Tirek seemed to sooth his nerves.
"Oh, that's nothing to worry about. It's just Cozy Glow escaping, you know... your whole reason for being here? If you go after her fast enough, you might just catch up and get a promotion! Or get torn to shreds by Celestia, if you let her get away. Either way, it's none of my business. Hey, is that warm gruel you're carrying? Mind if I try some, seeing as the pony you bought it for has 'flown the coop', so to speak?" Tirek asked innocently, wanting to see if the milky concoction might help his ongoing insomnia.
All at once, Iron Clad seemed to have roughly three simultaneous heart attacks, and despite his heavy, clanky clothing (as hinted at in his name) he turned tail and galloped swiftly through the halls shouting "Prisoner escaped, Prisoner escaped !"
"I'll show you who's a 'washed up old relic', Nigel from another galaxy..." Tirek spoke with a wicked guffaw, before noticing that in his haste to leave, Iron Clad had unceremoniously dropped the bowl onto the floor, and it's contents were currently being devoured by a number of foul miniature creatures who thrived in disgusting conditions such as these. What a shame.
"Oh, fiddlesticks!"
Author's Note
First of all, apologies to anyone out there called 'Nigel". I swear, it's only Tirek who finds that name funny, so if you want to take your anger out on someone, print a picture of him off the internet and lob rotten tomatoes at it, or something.
On a more topical note, Happy New Year everyone! And to celebrate my hangover, here we are with the biggest chapter so far! Hope you enjoyed it, and more soon I swear.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Bon voyage! Arrivederci! So long ponies, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!
...This was about all I'd mastered from numerous wasted years of foreign language , which I mostly ignored by destroying poorly-made structures by catapulting misshaped birds onto them. A cunning linguist, I was not.
I also apologise for my bafflingly inappropriate humour, at a time when I'm ~~running~~ flying for my very life. Well, not quite, but considering what being stuck in a cage for possibly all of eternity next to Mr 'Personality' Tirek feels like, I think it's an accurate enough comparison.
In any case, what with this apparently being Tartarus's first ever attempted breakout, the inept military goons stationed here are noticeably unprepared for my little outdoor excursion. In other words, Alcatraz this ain't.
I heard lots of stumbling and bumbling around me as I soared unstoppably towards the exit, a few muffled profanities ('gosh', 'darn', and 'heck'... wash your mouths out, ponies!) and the occasional snore from a slumbering triple-headed canine. Hey, at least Cerberus seems to have mastered the art of sleep! Sucks to be you, Tirek!
Basically, it was plain sailing all the way, aside from one minor facet I'd overlooked: My new wings.
Ya see, when I'd confidently predicted earlier that I was already a professional aeronaut, I'd forgotten a tiny wee thing. I'll save you the suspense... it was called 'landing'.
Oops ... I silently mouthed to myself, as it slowly dawned on me whilst recklessly speeding through the subterranean depths that the new additions to my anatomy weren't simply like learning to drive a new car.
Not that my unemployment cheques can even afford that luxury. Let's just say, when the bus timetable gets updated every morning, I'm there with bells on.
Unfortunate, at this specific moment in time I couldn't even get my brakes on. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated incident, a small suspicious pinkish individual with sausage rolls for hair was sighted impacting the rock face next to the exit at heightened velocity.
One chipped tooth and aggravated head injury later, she began to see the wisdom of having flight tuition after all.
Too little, too late. Yowchie .
..........................................................
"Hey, are you alright?" It was as I opened my eyes after my latest debilitating collision (how come other cartoon characters can get away with nary a scratch during their suicidal escapades? Looney Tunes, you lied to me!) that a most beauteous vision did greet my bloodshot eyes.
You might think I was referring to the regal form of Queen Novo, inexplicably here in the flesh and leaning sympathetically over my prostrate form. On four legs for a change and with a concerned expression upon her royal features, she seemed just as majestically enchanting as she did in the movie I kidnapped my only niece to see opening day about a year ago.
(What gave the game away was my endless cheering throughout and her look of utter boredom. She's more into a show which involves a ladybug trying to shag a cat, or something. I dunno, kids today.)
Anyway, if you think the widening grin slowly enveloping my face has anything to do with the newly arrived dignitary, you're somewhat mistaken. Sure, I could tick Novo off my potential list of 'things I've seen and done' in Equestria later, but the actual cause for my growing jubilation was more related to the large chasm of daylight seeping out behind her.
"Whoopee!" I shouted, unable to believe my outrageously good fortune. Departing through the magically protected double-doors was to have been my only real test before leaving this stinkin' place. And now, thanks to the convenient visit of a secondary supporting character, I wouldn't even have to try and 'wing' it at all!
(A little harmless pegasi humour there, folks. Now that I'm a member of the species temporarily, I might as well acclimatise myself to aspects of their culture. This includes bad gags, FYI. Deal with it.)
I did feel a bit guilty at taking advantage of Novo's kindness in such a cynical way, but the Tartarus guards' idiocy couldn't last forever, and soon they'd be out for my blood. Which would be fine, except it was currently also my blood, and until I'm back in my proper pre-equine body I'd like to keep it, thank-you-very-much.
So it was, against a backdrop of the underwater Queen's selfless benevolence and her accompanying entourage wandering in behind her, that I took my chance before the doors fully shut... probably giving her a sore muzzle in the process as I knocking her down en route.
"I'm fine! Ciao!!" were my only spoken words as I quickly gathered my wits, before shooting like a rat up a drainpipe just as the last of Novo's subjects stepped through the rapidly closing portal.
On account of my minuscule size, I still barely squeaked through, possibly losing a few feathers in the process. Never mind... there was plenty more plumage where they came from, and considering how bashed-up the rest of Cozy felt since my unexpected entry into this world, I'd say I got off pretty lightly.
I detected the grating sound of a strangely familiar child's scream behind me as the doors slammed with a satisfying thunk , but I didn't stay too long to ponder that.
After all, I was finally free! I could do whatever I wanted! The entirety of Equestria was there, laid out before me like a delicious banquet, ripe for the taking! This was truly every bronies dream come true!
But as my exhausted carcass scanned the vividly coloured landscape around me in earnest, there was only one clear thought in my head.
For once, it didn't involve me pummelling a not-so-sweet filly into various stages of pulp. That will come later, dear reader. Don't worry, I'll attach a 'graphic' tag for all of you faint-of-hearts out there.
No, this was an even more disturbing feeling. A truly horrifying sensation which chilled me to my very soul, but there was no getting around it. I couldn't deny, ignore or put it off any longer.
I was going to have to empty my bladder.
"Uh, can anypony tell me where the nearest bathroom is, please? And... what the hell do I do then?!"
............................
"W-Who was that young pegasus that bruised my nose, when I was only showing worry for her well-being?" Queen Novo shook her head in bewilderment, as one of her personal servants tied a bandage securely around the injured royal schnoz.
"Don't you listen to anything I tell you, mother?" Now that Skystar had stopped screeching like a banshee, she narrowed her eyes in annoyance at the older sea pony's naive question. "That was Cozy Glow escaping! You know, the one who nearly sucked the magical energy dry from every creature? How could you not know this?! Don't you read the papers?"
"That was Cozy Glow?!" Novo ushered the attendant away now that her job was done, to stare at the princess in astonishment. "B-But she looked so innocent! In my defence dear, you do talk far more than anypony else I know. If I fully registered half of what you chatter about, my brain might just explode from all the pressure."
"What do you mea... you know what, it doesn't matter right now." Skystar bit her tongue, deciding that right now there were more pressing matters to concentrate on. "At least now you see how Cozy was able to fool everypony, with that cute, 'gee shucks' face all of they all fell in love with. Right now, we should alert the guards, and..."
"W-We're here, we're here. Just give us a minute." A tired Iron Clad at last poked his head around the corner, accompanied by nearly the whole soldier population stationed there. "We're awfully sorry for all this trouble today, Queen Novo. Your first royal tour of the dryland, and you arrive in the middle of a major incident. You didn't have to add Tartarus to your schedule of places to see, though. There's not much here, unless you like dastardly criminals, mystical monsters and stone-cold gruel for almost every meal..."
"When I said I wanted to see all of Equestria above the waves, I meant it." Queen Novo gave Iron Clad the same withering look as Twilight experienced when the alicorn had tried to steal her precious pearl, which shut him up almost immediately. "Now, I suppose you 'crack troops' will be wanting to know the location of a Miss Cozy Glow, who we happened to acquaint ourselves with upon entering using the magical jewel provided to us earlier."
"Y-Yes! Yes we do!!" Iron Clad suddenly started glancing around excitedly, as if the filly fugitive felon could actually be located nearby. "If you could help us recapture her, it would surely improve relations between sea ponies and land ponies even more than they are now!"
"Well, I recognised her straightaway of course as she flew on by, and we did our very best to detain her." Novo stated mournfully, fluttering her eyelids for maximum effect. "But she was far too shrewd and quick for us, and she got out through the doors just before we could stop her. She even seriously wounded me in my muzzle whilst violently resisting arrest, an atrocity which I'm sure is arguable grounds to add on a few more years to her already hefty sentence, when you inevitably track her down. At least, I presume that will be the case?"
"D-Definitely! Whatever you say, Queen Novo! Now if you'll excuse us, we have to roundup the runaway as soon as possible!" Iron Clad and his company of stallions nervously bowed as they reopened the exit using their own magical key, each one helplessly wondering if they'd be on potato-peeling duty for the remainder of their service when Celestia caught wind of their buffoonery.
At least, if they got to keep their testicles in a glass jar later, it shouldn't be too bad... right?
As the guards sped off after their tricky quarry and the room was clear of everypony besides the new arrivals, Skystar turned to the Queen in abject shock. "Mother ! It's not like you at all to flat-out lie like that! Besides you fibbing about how Cozy got away, you barely even have a scratch on your nose! Why didn't you tell him the truth?"
"My darling, as you are nurtured into the role of my successor, one thing you will learn is that if you wish to preserve peace, sometimes a little white lie now and then is a necessary evil." Novo said defiantly, with the ghost of a knowing smirk. "Also, did you really think I'd let that monster Cozy Glow get away with almost bleeding everypony dry of magic? A bit more time in prison will do that rapscallion the world of good, if she's so set in her ways she's making escape attempts already. Now Skystar, show we proceed?"
"Mother, what are you doing? Under these circumstances, don't you think it'd be a better idea if we came back later, and..."
"Nonsense, child! I didn't leave the comfort of the ocean bed and travel all this way for my plans to be halted by a dangerous criminal on the loose! I want to stroke the Manticore, stare at the Basilisk, and perhaps have a few words with this 'Tirek' fellow I've heard so much about. And if he's asleep when we get there, we can just wake him up. I'm sure he won't mind!"
Author's Note
Welp, here's the long-awaited(?) next chapter to this ongoing saga. Hopefully, February will prove to be less of a hectic month than January, so the next one will arrive in short order. Let's see, anyway. Bye for now!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 7: Time For Reflection
So here I am. Wherever this is. Alone yet again. Woe is me! What do I dddooo … just kidding. In all honesty, who cares?
Please don’t feel sorry for me folks, as that ‘tragic’ state of affairs neatly sums up the majority of my meaningless adult life. Not to mention my angsty, zit-popping teens. And my much-neglected childhood. Want me to draw you a diagram?
In fact, the most living, breathing people I’ve ever been around was probably on the ‘blessed’ day I was pooped out into this ‘wonderful’ world, in a room full of screaming, bawling bedwetters.
No, not the MLP fandom upon learning much-beloved unicorn Twilight Sparkle was about to sprout a pair of lavender wings during her ~~merchandise-inspired~~ story-driven induction into princesshood (far be it for me to mock them, I was one of those ‘overemotional idiots’ swearing and cursing at my widescreen as The Horrible Event unfolded. ”Everything will be just fine” my pale, hairy arse. In hindsight, a slight overreaction.)
I of course, mean that place at the hospital where they stick all the babies side-by-side so the gushing and gurning parents can admire their new droolers thru transparent glass. Just thinking back to those days… I-I…
Well, I don’t remember a thing. I’m not one of those freaks who claims to recall every aspect of his birth y’know? Because that would be disgusting .
The point is, that was my start in life. A clean slate. A new beginning. I was surrounded by potential friends I hadn’t even met yet, and the entire world was mine for the taking. And what did I do with this precious gift…?
Why, proceed to alienate nearly everyone around me, even before I learned to walk. Phrases like ‘Difficult Child’, ‘Needs Supervision’ and ‘Crash Diet’ were bandied around like catchy advertising slogans, but did I pay any attention?
The fact that I just got outsmarted by a 9 year old (hang on, was there a TV show called something like that?), find myself stuck in this insufferable form and have made pretty much the Worst. Possible. Decision at every single turn since entering the ‘utopia’ of Equestria should clue you into the answer there.
Hey, if I’ve already succeeded in pissing off everyone on my home planet, why not go for double or nothing, where the stakes get really high? It’ll be much tougher in this dayglo world, where Friendship rules supreme and any hint of negativity is quickly quashed like an overripe tomato… but if anyone can do it, I can!
Pull yourself together, Nigel. Just because things haven’t exactly gone according to plan so far, it doesn’t mean you l can’t turn them around right now! All you have to do is start thinking like someone who’s got half a brain cell, quit making references to old Pone episodes which’ll just confuse others and find someone who’ll be willing to listen to your tragic tale of sadness, regret and still being a pathetic virgin into your 20’s. Although, the last one is kinda unforgivable…
Okay okay, inner motivational monologue. I do appreciate what you’re trying to do… but maybe, quit while you’re ahead?
However, for the most part, you’re absolutely correct! All I have to do is track down an individual with gravitas who won’t think I’m completely nutso after a five minute conversation (a big ask, I know) and we can get this show back on the road!
I messed up my chance with Starlight, but that was because I was distracted by my annoying parents. It won’t happen again, I’d bet my last can of beer on it! (Well, Cozy’s parents, but an apt description for my real Ma and Pa too.)
First of all though, I have some unfinished business to take care of… and ‘business’ is indeed the operative word here. I dunno what my ol’ pal Cozy was eating before taking my beautiful body on a joyride into another dimension, but it’s enough for both a number 1 and 2.
Dear reader, how I wish I was talking about the selections on a Chinese takeaway menu, or tickets for the queue at the Post Office, but alas it is neither.
Could you maybe… avert your eyes a bit? I’m just going over to this hedge for a second. I see it’s a nice leafy shrub, which in no way factors into my decision.
Just… get lost, okay? If you want a detailed description of an equine child emptying their bowels, then sorry pal: you’re reading the wrong fic. I’m sure there are plenty of others out there willing to cater to your um, ‘specialist’ fetish. Whatever, I try not to judge!
For now, just leave me be. Hey, look over there! We can ‘touch base’ as soon as I’ve finished wiping my ar…gh !
Go! Go! Focus on the plot, not me! Wait, what did I just say…
………………………..
Meanwhile, not so far away, a pair of adult pegasi happened to be passing. They’d done a spot of sightseeing, had just enjoyed a homemade picnic and were now on their way to drop in on their rather famous daughter for a surprise visit.
Although, whether this could be classified as a ‘surprise’ or ‘shock’ depends on which generation of the family you speak to.
“I keep telling you Windy, as beautiful as Equestria at ground level looks from the sky, nothing compares to being here in pony.” Bow Hothoof commented to his wife, as he stared around at the greenery in awe. “There’s just something about seeing the flowers bloom and birds chirping in Spring, that you just don’t get in Cloudsdale... H-Huh? Are you listening to me, dear? It seems as though your mind is elsewhere.”
“Hmm? Sorry darling, you’re absolutely right. I was just wondering why every creature we’ve tried talking to since our arrival has rushed off really quickly. Even that homeless mule we offered to share our lunch with made a quick exit as soon as we began speaking. He didn’t even stay long enough to collect his doggy bag! Is there… something wrong with us, do you think?” Windy Whistles had been looking forward to conversing with some of the locals, but apparently the enthusiasm wasn’t mutual.
“My love, one thing you must’ve learned by now is that not everypony will ever realise how fabulous and perfect our Rainbow Dash truly is. It is our sworn duty as loving parents to inform all creatures great and small of her glorious achievements, and if they don’t ‘get it’ then that’s their problem not ours, don’t you agree?” Bow tried putting things in perspective for his agitated wife with a smile and a wink. “Now, let us continue our earthbound trek. Don’t forget: it’s all for a good cause!”
“Yet again Bow, you’ve completely set my mind at ease and reminded me of what’s really important, all in less than a minute! How do you do it?” Windy ruffled the multi-coloured mane of her beloved with appreciation. “That idea of Scootaloo’s to raise money for pegasi who can’t fly was so great, it could only come from the protege of our elite Wonderbolt. A thirty mile trot on a sunny day without using our wings, and nearly every one of our neighbours signed up! Amazing!”
“It’s for a worthy charity on a beautiful day and we get to exercise our hooves for a change… what’s not to like about it?” Bow remarked with pride, before saying in a somewhat sneakier voice. “And as an added bonus, we even got to pick our route! Isn’t it such a fortunate coincidence that it finishes just by the School Of Friendship, when Professor Rainbow is about to take her first class? Funny how things work out, isn’t it?!”
“I couldn’t pack the ‘BEST TEACHER EVER’ banners fast enough, and I just can’t wait to meet some of the lucky young minds she’ll be shaping into the future!” As if to illustrate her point, Windy almost took off in excitement then for an aerial loop-de-loop, but luckily just managed to control herself. “Whoever we see though will naturally pale in comparison to our little miracle. I do kind of miss Rainbow at that age, dear… sometimes now, I get the feeling that our cheering and encouraging her in whatever she does seems to annoy her a little.”
“Yes, I was there when she chewed us out in the Wonderbolts locker room. Even though she apologised later, I did still get the impression she was kind of embarrassed by all the attention we gave her back then.” Bow paused to think for a second about the recent past. “It’s such a shame we’ll never get to recapture those special memories again, but with both our careers keeping us busy we didn’t get the chance to have the second foal we really wanted. If only, there was some other way…”
Windy was about to respond sympathetically to her husband’s wish, when suddenly a rustling ahead in the bushes made her ears prick up.
“Bow, what’s that noise ?”
“I didn’t hear anything, Windy. Are you sure it wasn’t just a stray breeze?”
“Darling, I’ve spent 95% of my life in the air. I know what a breeze sounds like, and that was no breeze !”
“Well even if it wasn’t the wind, what else could it be that’s got you so on edge? A Breezie? A cute bunny, if we should be so lucky. I knew I should’ve taken my camera…”
“Well ‘dear’, I don’t know. Bandits, perhaps ?”
“B-Bandits, you say? Gee, I-I never thought of that. Hey, maybe we should go this way instead! There’s a lovely stream which seems ideal for filling up our water bottles …”
But it was already too late for the clearly nervous couple to change their plans. A tinyish figure emerged unassuming from the vegetation, humming merrily to themselves whilst doing so. They’d just finished dabbing a plucked leaf to a certain delicate part of their anatomy, and was just in the process of disposing of said soiled piece of foliage…
...When they happened to cross paths with Bow and Windy, and a few moments of serene calm then followed where you could clearly hear all the sounds of the forest at play.
Bow and Windy stared.
The filly blinked in return (for that is what she was).
Before suddenly, without warning, the lightly-coloured carefully-coiffured youngster seemed to randomly panic. She abruptly flapped her undeveloped wings (evidently, she was not part of the charity trot taking place that day) to get as much distance between her and the nonplussed pair staring at her in bemusement, glancing back the entire time…
So it wasn’t the biggest surprise ever when her travels took her straight into a nearby tree.
Oak maybe. Or redwood.
Either way, it was very tall, very old…
And very hard . Harder than iron bars and Tartarus rock combined, even.
Goodnight, everyone. It’s time for my nap now. Zzzzzz...
Author's Note
First update for over a year. So, whaddya think?
To be frank, I had no idea where I wanted to take this story, hence the long break. I knew after seeing it become my fifth most popular fic on here though, I wanted to add to it eventually. Then suddenly, in the shower this morning, I had this crazy idea and... wham , here it is.
The best part is I know now exactly where it's gonna head to next now, too. And no, it's not what you think. Guaranteed. See you again soon.
Maybe I'll try to brainstorm my ideas in the bath next time if the ideas vs water ratio works...
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 8: Where's Luna When You Need Her?
This was finally it. The big night! The culmination of all my pitiful hopes and dreams. The moment we’ve all been waiting for!
Well, me at least. Who cares about the rest of you? Shove off, if you’re jealous or something.
At long last, all those mind-numbingly tedious hours on the phone pretending to be interested in Billy Irish, or expensive dinners out at three star restaurants when she just had to order a dessert (unlike me, it never showed on her oh-so perfect figure… bad metabolism sucks don’t it) looked like paying off.
It’s about freakin’ time, is all I can say.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those shallow guys who just wants to ravish her every perfect curve like a melting popsicle then subtly hint we should ‘see other people’ the second it’s all over.
I’m in this stretch for the long run, dudes. This girl has a bangin’ brain to match her supermodel bod, and I fully intend to worship both.
She can take me out of my comfort zone. Help me explore the mysteries of life. Support me financially if this whole ‘job hunt’ thing doesn’t quite pan out…
Whatever. As you can probably tell by now, I’m not exactly the brightest, maturest or most attractive chap around. (Understatement of the year I know, hardy har-har)
But for whatever cosmic reason, she chose me. I didn’t have to bribe, beg or even jump in front of a moving car, she accepted on the first occasion I asked her out and it’s been pretty much nirvana ever since.
(As long as it doesn’t end in her having me ‘bumped off’ then framed as a suicide, that is. Yes, I’m a crazy conspiracy theorist alongside my other ‘attractive’ qualities.)
She hears me when I tell her about my various battles with weight and depression. She understands when I inform her of the toxic influence my dysfunctional family has had on my life. She even accepts my stanning of a children’s cartoon which features colourful talking horses as the main characters! Isn’t she just the greatest , guys?
Plus, as an added bonus, it’s saved me a fortune in therapy bills!
Okay, so however much I try to improve myself, I’ll probably always be kind of a jerk. But not to this goddess. I’m gonna treat her right, you’ll see. If anyone can redeem the sorry sack o’sh*t I’ve let myself become, it’s my girl…
And right now, she’s about to give it all to me. Literally.
I lay on top of the bed in my plain white boxers, like a beached whale waiting for the bait.
She has her back turned, but slowly strips off her cashmere sweater and peels off those tight chinos I love so much. Alert: she’s not wearing any form of brassiere. Oh my .
“That’s it baby, you know how I like it. Turned on, with the lights off.” (Said by yours truly like a total stud.)
“Close your eyes then, my mighty, bearded Viking conqueror.” (It’s her pet name for me. Shut up.)
“Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets. After a hard day’s pillaging and wenching, I can think of nothing I’d like more. (Pretty cringe, but it’s our ‘thing’ ya know?)
“Oh I see! So you value riches more than I, is that it? And those other girls you forced yourself on, how did they compare to me? (Yes it’s twisted, but this is a private fantasy remember? You’re lucky to be eavesdropping, so pipe down!)
“No precious gem sparkles as much as thy’s beauty, nor gold could ever buy yonder’s virtue. As for the totty, compared to you they were like, totally mingin’.” (Shakespeare, thou hath a new rival. And his name is Nigel Perkins.)
“Oh, darling! Never ever have I heard such poetic prose spoken from one so devilishly handsome! I shall now cement our blessed union by giving my womanhood to you with pleasure, but keep those peepers shut ‘til I’m ready…” (Easier said than done, missy. This would be a pretty inconvenient time for a heart attack, right?)
Now that the verbal foreplay is finally out of the way, we can at last enjoy the Main Event.
No popcorn vendors or elephants on unicycles here though folks, just sweet, sweet lovemaking and maybe a family-size pack of Tangy Cheese Doritos afterwards to seal the deal.
Last of the great romantics, that’s me.
I feel her lithe form slowly lower itself onto my much sturdier frame, and I can tell by the lack of coarse fabric on my skin she ain’t got a stitch on. Holy Guacamole .
“That’s it. You can look now. I’m all here, and I’m all yours. Come and get me, you irresistible studmuffin!”
I don’t need to be told twice. I’m already ‘standing to attention’ in one department, all I need to do now is open my eyes, titillate myself with the bountiful wonders on offer then put in the best damn performance of anything in my so far dead-end existence….
“Why howdy-doo to you again, friend!”
W W W W W-hhaatt?!
I stare in horror at the most revolting sight I’ve ever borne witness to. And for someone coerced to go on a school trip to see how sausages are made at the meat factory (twice ) this is undoubtedly some accomplishment.
The sexy, flawless figure of my darling sweetheart au naturale is completely ruined by the chuckling pinkish horsehead from the neck upwards. The curly blue hair and obnoxious freckles complete the horrifying image, and as I slowly back away making the sign of the cross the creature begins straddling me whilst communicating in those saccharine tones I’ve learned to despise so much.
“Oh dear, did I interrupt Little Nigey’s playtime with the nice lady? Don’t worry your pretty pegasus posterior about it, fatty. I’ll be sure to take good care of her and the rest of your family, while you’re away in Equestria having fun as lil ol’ moi! In fact, let’s make it a permanent arrangement! I always hated being treated like a kid… at least in this deficient form, as overweight and stupid as it is, everyone listens to you! Besides, by the time I’m finished with you, you’d barely even recognise yourself! You’re welcome!!”
I want to shout back at the top of my lungs, I really do.
I want to scream that as miserable as my life was, she had no right to just steal it like that, especially as it looked to be on an uphill swing before her wormhole-creating shenanigans.
I want to yell that if she touches one hair on my loved ones’ heads, I’d turn her into the ugliest plushie ever. And start spoon-feeding her with fluff while still alive .
I want to inform her that if she’s thinking of using my credit card, there’s precisely zero funds on there (as usual) so whatever grande scheme she has to enslave humanity, it’d better be for free! Arf arf.
But I do none of those things. I simply gaze at the horrifying spectre in terror, as a single loose teardrop runs lazily down my cheek. Meanwhile, the grotesque hybrid has more to enunciate.
“Aawww, baby gonna cry? Not so nice when everypony treats you like a filly is it, even when you’re so much smarter than them? Well get used to it, friend. I intend to stick around here for a good while yet, like let’s say… a lifetime’s worth. What have you got to complain about, anyway? I’ve given you a great gift for nothing: your youth back! You just have four legs, wings and are much shorter as a trade-off. Oh, and you’re a girl now. Hope that doesn’t inconvenience you a lot! Now, I have to bid you farewell, for I have many devious plans and schemes that won’t wait a millisecond longer. So anyway… aren’t you gonna kiss me goodbye? For old time’s sake? Come on big boy, pucker up! You know you want to…!”
I couldn’t think of anything I’d ‘want’ less . Then, as those terrifying pale lips descended on me from high, and my paralysed form desperately tried to dodge out of the way, I instinctively called out the single word I thought I’d never hear myself say in a kazillion years.
“Mummy !!”
………………………….
“Mummy’s here, darling! Don’t fret, we’ll look after you and make sure nothing bad happens to your sweet self from now on.”
“Windy, don’t confuse the filly while she’s resting! You’re not her mother, and while I agree we should help her out, I’m sure she has parents of her own who can fill that role.”
“B-But Bow, just look at her! Dirty plumage, skinny belly, head covered in lumps and bumps from even before her accident earlier… what kind of mum and dad would let their child get in this state?”
“I don’t know, dear… but that’s what I intend to find out. As soon as we arrive at the School Of Friendship in about an hour, we’ll discuss this matter with Twilight and see what can be done. As well as get her a decent meal and those wounds bandaged, of course.”
“Now, that’s the stallion I married! And if she really is all on her own, or her parents are unable to fulfil their obligation of care, d’ya think…”
“Whoa , steady on there Windy! That’s another discussion for another time. Right now we should just make sure she’s safe and well, everything else is secondary. But I must admit, the thought did cross my mind briefly...”
H-Huh ? Consciousness returned to me in various phases, and the first thing I noticed upon fully awakening was being carried by something soft and feathery.
Still bleary-eyed like recovering from the worst hangover ever (that would be the third movie) I copped a snoop at the identity of my rescuers whilst still pretending to be asleep…
That’s when everything came flooding back.
Great. No sooner have I worked out the last of Tartarus’s gruel from my overactive digestive system and learned how to use my new ‘equipment’, now I get abducted and am forced to hitch a ride with arguably the most irritating members of the Main 6’s family. And yes, I do include Zephyr B. in that equation. The only silver lining here is they don’t seem to recognise me. They better not start acting all ‘supportive’ and start screeching my ears off with praise, or I’ll give them such a tongue-lashing that even Rainbow’s locker room lecture will look like a mild retort by comparison. As for adopting me, they can forget it. I already have two pairs of infuriating parents, another set would possibly tip me over the edge. Here’s the plan: I’ll wait ‘til I’m safely near Twilight’s school, then give ‘em the slip and go to her office alone. Then, after I’ve explained everything to her, I’m sure that as unlikely as my tale sounds she’ll come around to my way of thinking. Next, she can open a portal to Earth, from which she can drag Cozy’s scrawny neck back here, then I can return to explain to my girlfriend why I’ve been acting so weird lately… what could possibly go wron...
“Halt! !”
Suddenly, I felt my carrier come to an abrupt stop as an exhausted voice shouted in the distance. Still faking my being knocked out, I had no idea who it was… but the voice seemed oddly familiar.
“We’re looking for an escaped fugitive, and are asking anypony who passes: have you seen her?” The tired yet determined voice was still quite far away, but getting closer with every moment.
Ulp. That’s where I know it from. It was the Captain Of The Guard at Tartarus, the one who didn’t exactly take a shine to me upon first arrival (and looking like this, can you blame him?)
I thought at the time he was no more than an inept doo-doo head, the kind who only got to where he was through special ‘connections’ or lack of better candidates.
Turns out, I was completely wrong. To track me all the way down here, and to gallop so fast at his advanced age to find me… that takes some real endurance and guts.
Shame my appreciation of him isn’t going to cut any slack with the judge once I’m back behind bars (probably for good this time).
I’m well and truly busted.
Author's Note
I'm going back-and-forth a bit with this scenario, but essentially I'm just trying to frame the guy's old life with what he's going through now. He's still a bit of a klutz, but don't worry: he does get better! Slowly...
Anyway, thanks for all the support. And unlike with Bow and Windy, it can never become too much. Until next time then...
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 9: Tired And Feathered
Well, this was it. Time to say ‘adios' to my previous incarnation as um… a professional slacker (hey, it’s a thing ) and get used to my new life, as a mentally-disturbed equine sprog stuck in the world’s most secure playpen.
I must say, as much as my careers advisor despaired of me ever even reaching the dizzy heights of fast-food retailment, she must’ve thought I was capable of more than this .
Blame Cozy Glow for fooling me with that coquettish voice and those irresistible goo-goo eyes.
Blame me for forgetting an entire season finale’s worth of evidence to stupidly follow her lead.
Blame whatever sick entity created this pastelly alternate dimension previously thought to only exist as a TV show.
Basically, there was plenty of attribution to pass around for the sorry state of affairs I found myself in right now…
...None of which helped one iota in lifting me out of this current mess. Tomorrow’s headlines practically wrote themselves.
‘After a brief struggle, notorious magic-swiper Cozy Glow was today recaptured on the edge of the Everfree Forest by a heroic veteran guard who’ll soon be honoured by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself. The fiendish filly felon was caught hiding out with hero Rainbow Dash’s parents, both of whom had no comment to make (for once). As for Cozy Glow, she’ll now be forcibly escorted back to her deluxe suite at Tartarus for the rest of her miserable existence, which’ll be punctuated by regular helpings of lumpy gruel, constant mocking by Tirek and horrific torture utilising small pointy objects inserted underneath her eyelids…’
(Okay, so that last idea was all mine. As if they’d stick such a barbaric activity, as deserved as it might be, inside the show itself. What do you think this is… Adult Swim?)
In any case, the moment of reckoning was beckoning. I may not be able to actually see the guard (remember: still pretending to be unconscious sshh ) but I could hear him getting closer, his asthmatic breath wheezing nearer, his creaking joints approaching at a rapid rate…
(Didn’t you hear? Old people are just about the only demographic you can poke fun at these days without getting torn to shreds. Oldies, and Christians.)
Needless to say, I was a tad nervous. If I hadn’t just ‘gone’ I probably would’ve wet myself there and then. Or rather, drenched Windy Whistles, which would’ve been just plain rude .
Unable to do much of anything besides lay there, I resigned myself to fate…
But then something quite unexpected happened.
Clatter. Shove . Zip . Without warning, I heard a bunch of stuff being emptied onto the ground, before my still form was quickly pushed into some kind of fabric bag. Next, a zipper could be heard being swiftly pulled up, and the only conclusion I could draw from this surprise turn of events was…
They’re gonna cover for me. How selfless! How brave! Those poor saps.
Fortunately, whatever fastener they’d used to cover my pinkish self had been left open a touch, probably to aid my breathing but it also helped me hear exactly what was being said between Mr Wrinkles and my surprise benefactors…
“Sorry to disturb you folks, but I have to ask: Who are you and what is your business here today?”
“My name is Bow Hothoof, and this is my wife Windy Whistles. We are participating in the charity walk for disabled pegasi, and decided to make a day of it. After all, the weather is beautiful, and the picnic equipment you see scattered around your hooves wasn’t just brought along to weigh us down!”
“I... see . And if I cross that information with the campaign organisers, you can guarantee it’ll check out? As much as you ponies seem okay, we can’t take any chances with one of the most dangerous criminals Equestria has ever seen. I may need to check your bags too…”
“Hi, Windy Whistles here! You don’t have to go to the trouble of bothering Scootaloo and her friends, dearie. Just take a short walk to Ponyville and visit the School Of Friendship, then have a little chat with our daughter who’s in employment there as a professor. You might’ve heard of her? Top Wonderbolt in her class? Saved the world on numerous occasions? Is the cutest shade of cobalt you could ever…”
You could hear the jitter in the guard’s voice from here. I wish I could’ve seen his face. “Y-You m-mean R-Rainbow D-Dash?! Why didn’t you say so… wait, I can see the family resemblance now. I-I’m so sorry to spoil your day out, but I have orders to stop all ponies passing through here on account of the indescribable danger this filly poses to our very way of life. You might not think it to look at her freckled cheeks and butter-wouldn’t-melt face, but…”
“Well, I can personally vouch that my and my wife have seen no such child on our travels, and if we had, we’d have notified the proper authorities immediately. We’ve been much too busy enjoying the sun, exercising our hooves and thinking about all the good the bits we’ve raised will do for all the unfortunate young pegasi out there who’ll never know the pleasure of taking flight. After all, that’s what it’s all about... do you agree ?”
“Y-Yes of course sir, but please understand, I have a job to do, a-and…”
“If you really think me and my husband would ruin our lives and tarnish our beloved daughter’s reputation for a filly we don’t even know, then you might as well arrest us now. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t like to be the one who explained to Rainbow Dash later why her parents were imprisoned under dubious pretences, not to mention why foals in desperate need will be getting less money because we weren’t able to finish our charity walk. If you want to volunteer for the task though…”
The gulp which followed from the guard was so loud, it was more like a yelp. “N-No, ma’am, I do not! I’ve worked too hard and waited a long time to be made Captain Of The Guard at Tartarus, and I won’t give it up for anything… I-I mean , you can pass!! Ponies of fine repute and heritage such as yourselves should be free of any suspicion. J-Just promise me one thing, if it’s not too much trouble… please don’t tell Rainbow Dash we had this conversation, okay?”
“Of course we won’t! You were just doing your job, like you said.” Bow Hothoof generously told the anxious guard he’d keep schtum about their brief encounter.
“Hope you catch the little rascal! And have a glorious day!” Windy Whistled gushed in her usual effusive manner, probably waving him off.
“Good, ‘cos without my full pension, I’d have no idea how to feed my nine grandchildren, or put a deposit down on that luxury condo at Silver Shoals. The way things are going now, the quicker I move in there, the better... grumble ” The clearly peeved guard mumbled bitterly to himself as he hobbled his old bones off into the distance.
Guess he was pissed at having expanded all that essential energy to get to us for nothing. Hard cheese, dude. Don’t have a stroke on my account, please.
In the meantime, an obviously pleased Bow Hothoof could be heard breathing a sigh of relief. “Phew. Thank Celestia that’s over. I can’t believe we jeopardised our freedom and our daughter’s career over a complete stranger though, as cute and as injured as she is. Maybe we should’ve asked the guard her name before he stormed off, but it’s too late now. I wonder what made us act in such an impulsive, reckless way?”
“The two words you just used sum up our Rainbow to a tee my love, so at least we know where she gets it now.” A squelchy smooching noise could now be detected, and to be honest, I was glad my eyes were firmly shut for that. “I’m sure she’d understand the situation, and handle it exactly the same way as we just did. I mean, how could such a tiny filly be the hardened criminal that weird stallion painted her as? We’re looking at an abused child here, no doubt framed by the guilty party themselves…”
“Party !” Bow Hothoof interrupted his wife to audibly slap something, probably his forehead. “We need to get a move on if we’re gonna make it to that school on time to surprise Rainbow, otherwise all our secret planning with Miss Pinkie will be for nothing! Come darling, let’s pick all our stuff off the ground, put it in the spare rucksack and get going… those banners and balloons aren’t gonna hang themselves up, you know!”
“Oops , you’re right! But as much as our precious deserves her special moment, our first priority should be securing the safety of this little one.” At this point, I felt a gentle pat on the bag they’d unceremoniously shoved me into. “We’d better keep her in here for now, in case there are any more guards about. Then as soon as I’ve had a chance to speak to Headmare Twilight, we can straighten this whole silly mess out, and life can go back to normal…”
Not if I have a chance to talk to her first… I tuned out at this point, beginning to formulate a plan of action in my overstretched brain. Unless by ‘normal’ you mean me returning to my hairy, obese Adonis of a body. In which case, we have shared goals. I still won’t let you adopt me, but if it’s any consolation, you’re no longer my most hated Main 6 family members. Congratulations! Zephyr, my main man, your time has come. May you wear this well-earned badge with distinction and pride. Now, how do I get to see Twilight without these hippies, the students or any of her close friends spotting my rook-endowed flank? To flee or not to flee, that is the question.
I could fool myself as much as I wanted into thinking I was a genius by referencing Shakespeare during my inner monologues (up until last year, I thought the original Romeo was Leonardo Dicaprio) but the fact remained I had to think of a foolproof scheme before arriving in Ponyville…
...And I had around an hour to perform this minor miracle. The pressure was real.
Author's Note
Welp, here's another chapter. Things are definitely moving now, so look forward to more big surprises in the next part, including... well, just keep reading to find out.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Hi there, non-existent diary! How you doin’?
Well, it’s just a typical day for me as far as it goes. Sweating my balls off (if I had any that is) while being hefted around in a big ol’ sack. Listening to a couple of middle-age bores drone on about how their daughter is practically perfect in every way (I can think of at least one Weather Factory that’d disagree). And that’s not even going into the daring prison escapes, surviving an encounter with the dreaded Tirek, meeting my new parents for the first time, headbutting a tree…
Okay, so my bumbling escapades since arriving in Equestria aren’t quite as dramatic as I tried making them sound. But sh*t is definitely about to go down, as the next stage of my misadventures takes me to one of the new settings for season eight, the School Of Friendship.
When this educational hub for different species was announced soon after the movie, my initial reaction was skeptical. After all, we already have one classroom full of annoying brats… why do we require another, albeit one with different kinds of creature than your usual equine variety?
Well, it turns out I had nothing to worry about. They just virtually wrote out the Ponyville Schoolhouse from the show to concentrate on this new location, and gave the ‘Young Six’ as they came to be known more focus than the likes of Silver Spoon and Rumble ever received! Genius .
Not to say I didn’t like these fresh arrivals. They all had their own unique charms, from Yona’s broken English (Ponyish?) to Smoulder basically being the coolest dude (dudette?) ever. The problem was though, in this woebegone form I currently occupied they’d all be out to get me, so the fanboying and autographs would have to wait.
Darn that Cozy. As much as I hate those stupid fics where someone finds themselves stuck in Equestria as their alicorn OC with Twilight and co fighting over his affections the second he arrives, even that utter bilge would be better than… this! I could feel the feathers on my wings stand up in anger. Or maybe they just needed a good preen due to the oppressive heat inside this confined space. Great, something else Miss Glow forgot to demonstrate before fleeing the nest. Hopefully, I’ll be gone long before I have to ask other pegasi to help me lick my… wait, we’ve stopped!
It was true. Miles and miles of being bumped around whilst being slowly roasted like a cooked chicken (insert unoriginal Scootaloo joke here) had finally come to an end. Hopefully. Taking a bit of a risk, I peered through the tiny gap in my rucksack expectantly…
Wow, that is beautiful .I gazed in awe as the marvellous spectacle that was the School Of Friendship loomed over me, and when a born cynic like me thinks that without a trace of sarcasm, you know it’s something special. I wanna paddle in the water. I wanna sit on the highest spire. I wanna explore, nosy around, trespass with impunity!
Oops, no time for any of that. The muffled voices of my future adopters (they wish) made it clear their first stop with me in tow would be the clinic to get me ‘checked out’, and with my notoriety ‘round these parts capture would inevitably follow seconds later.
Not on my watch, Skippy . I waited for Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles to exchange a few pleasantries with a few creatures at the entrance, before entering the building. So far, no mention of their extra passenger… and I’ve successfully infiltrated the premises. Good .
I thought I might be able to slip out of the bag soon after that, but judging from the raucous noises emanating from the corridors there were just too many students around. And I’m sure they’d just love to be reacquainted with the filly who lied and manipulated them for weeks, almost leading to the permanent loss of their ability to fly/use magic/plough fields (please delete where applicable).
So I hung on like a guy dangling off a precipice, biting my hooves for all it was worth (probably chipping a few teeth in the process, but that’s okay… Cozy’s used to soft gruel by now). Any second now, the entry point to my hideaway could be thrust all the way open, and I would be forcibly tossed out to a chorus of voices: “What is she doing here?” “Quick, you pin her down and I’ll fetch help!” “You’ll never see the light of day again, O wicked filly!”
But this much-repeated scenario in my head never came to pass. Instead, I found myself in the unexpected position of giving thanks and praise, not to any religious entity (another facet of Equestrian life not really focused on) but to the infamous weakness of a woman’s bladder.
“Sorry, Bow! I really have to go! I’ve been holding it in for most of the trip, and now it feels like my insides are about to rip!” That was Windy Whistles doing her best Zecora impression. Probably unintentional, but still pretty funny.
“Okay Windy, I’ll wait for you out here. The medical centre is just around the corner according to the sign, so as soon as you’re finished we’ll make our way there!” Ulp . Looks like it’s now or never . Brace yourself, kiddo ..
“Should I take our special little patient inside the bathroom with me?” Not on your nelly. I’ve already been once, and it’s not an experience I intend to repeat in a hurry. In fact, I’ll probably need multiple therapy sessions upon my return just to cope with the trauma.
“Nah, it’s okay. She’ll be having a nice nap in there, and we shouldn’t wake her up just yet ‘til we’ve got her safely settled inside the clinic.” Bless you sir. Bless you. You’re on my Christmas Hearth’s Warming card list for life now, just wait and see.
“If you say so, dear. Well, I’ll only be a few minutes. Love you!!” Then Windy gave Bow the kind of extended sloppy smooch you’d expect if she was going on vacation for a month to Los Pegasus. Gag . The sooner I’m away from this sappy dappy couple, the better.
The chance came sooner than I thought. No sooner had Windy disappeared into the little mare’s room, my roving eye saw Bow turn his back on my bag to stare at something on the wall. No doubt some artistic endeavour by a bunch of sixth-graders, promoted way beyond its actual quality, Hoof-painting, or so forth.
It mattered not. All it took was a slight unzipping of the rucksack for me to squeeze out, and after tip-hoofing for a few steps I began galloping like the Dickens as soon as what I’d judged a safe distance had passed. Free at last. Free at last. Thank Celestia Almighty I’m free at last .
I’d love to have flown, to further my enviable aerial prowess from earlier(!) Alas, what with my tiny wings being absolutely drenched in perspiration, such a notion was fanciful to say the least. It felt like I’d been stuck in a sauna all day long, without the charming banter of Lotus Blossom and Aloe or the talented massaging ministrations of one Bulk Biceps, of course.
There was one bit of good news though: apparently, afternoon lessons had already begun so the hallways and passages were completely deserted, which allowed me full reign to explore this amazing structure to my giddy little heart’s content.
Not that I wanted to chance my luck too much, but when am I gonna get an opportunity like this again?
Must find Twilight… must find… wait, is that Starlight’s office? And look! That’s the closet where Spike hid just before he got his wings! Also, wow! A water fountain! Amazing!… Okay, stop now.
I was gushing like a kid (maybe because I was one), without actually getting anywhere. Despite my intimate knowledge of the show, I simply had no idea where Twilight might be, and all the distractions around were just putting me off my vital search.
Okay, Coz… I-I mean, Nigel, breathe. If you were a neurotic bookworm princess, where would you be on a balmy afternoon? Not at your desk, because I’ve already passed by there. Not taking a class, because the only voices I heard were Rarity’s and Rainbow’s when I listened in earlier. Better make your mind up, because you’re running out of… wait, what’s that room over there?
Judging by the shelves full of books, the answer was ‘the library’. It seemed as good a place as any to check… and my enthusiasm was multiplied a thousand-fold when I spotted a certain colour poking out between the gaps of the many publications available there.
Is that… a lavender figure I see sitting down? It’s the exact hue of Twilight’s coat, too. It has to be her! Now to play it cool, and calmly walk in there to explain the convoluted situation rationally so you don’t come across as a crazy pony...
That was the plan, anyway. And you know what they say about the best laid ones.
“H-Help! C-Cozy Glow, stole body! N-Now on Earth, while I’m stuck here! L-Left Tartarus to find you, but wanted fugitive! R-Rainbow’s parents took me here… S-So hungry and thirsty… F-Feel ready to collapse…”
Oops. Obviously when you’ve been running around a large building on pure adrenaline alone with barely any nutrients, it does tend to catch up with you. As informative and as concise as I tried being then, my weakened state must’ve shone through in my feeble attempts at explanation.
It would also help if I’d actually been talking to the right pony. Or indeed, the right species.
“U-Um, hi ?” Were all the words a stunned Smoulder could utter upon seeing her mortal pony enemy spring from nowhere, and she wore a purplish jacket for no other reason than to screw with my feverishly optimistic brain.
At least, that’s the way I saw it. I mean, aren’t dragons usually nekkid ?
Then, as if things couldn’t get any better, the bell rang to indicate next lessons were about to start.
It never rains but it pours, and it looks like I’m about to be caught in a tsunami.
Author's Note
Well, this was fun. Safe to say the plot will be moving a bit faster from this point on, so please stay tuned to tell me what you think. Have a good day!
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 11: A Smoulder To Cry On
Now, I feel I must’ve mentioned this at least once (read back if you don’t believe me) but Smoulder is by far my favourite member of the so-called ‘Young 6’.
Yona? Cute, but extremely loud. Ocellus? I like my changelings evil. Silverstream? Too ingratiatingly upbeat. Gallus? Griffons remind me of my mean ex (shiver ). Sandbar? He’s cool I guess, apart from the stupid name.
In fact, you could lay that claim against most of them. And they say ‘Nigel’ is lame. Anyway, back to Ms Smoulder...
She’s smart. Sassy. Cynical. Basically, everything I am (especially the first. Shut up) except for the thin midriff. Galloping into her like this would usually be a fanboy’s wet dream.
I could ask who her actual parents were. If there really is any sparks flyin’ between Spike and Ember. How long it would take to chargrill a petulant pipsqueak pegasi using a medium flame over a spiked skewer. (Something to think about for the future, once I’d hopped bodies again: can’t wait!).
But right this second was probably the most inopportune time for a meet & greet you can possibly imagine. Any moment now, random background characters would be pouring out of their respective classrooms, and the phrase ‘sitting duck’ couldn’t be more appropriate for this particular circumstance…
...That’s if my goose wasn’t already cooked enough from being spotted by a certain orange dragoness. Damn it, just because I have feathers now doesn’t mean I have to overuse tiresome bird analogies .
“Birds ? What are you talking about?! I didn’t think it was possible, but every time we talk I think you get a little more crazy.” Smoulder was on the verge of raising the alarm, but apparently the shock of seeing her hated adversary out of prison blathering nonsense was enough to shut her up temporarily.
“Oh, sorry. Was I monologuing again? Since arriving on this godforsaken other-realm-masquerading-as-a-TV-show, it’s gotten to be a bad habit.” I frowned at the unsatisfactory introduction I’d just provided, before remembering the gravity of my situation. “I-I mean, please don’t grass me up to the cops! Or, whatever they’re called here. The fact is, I may look like me, but the Cozy you think I am is not actually the person inside. You see, I was brought here under false pretences from another planet to wear her skin like a cloak of shame. Ask Tirek, he’ll vouch for me!”
“Hmm. It’s a bit hard for me to translate gibberish, even after listening to Yona all day. But what you’re saying is, even though you look just like Cozy Glow and sound like her, you’re not her…?”
“That’s right! Finally someone… I mean , somecreature gets it!”
“You actually come from another world, and Cozy took over your body and switched places? So, where is she now?”
“On Earth I would imagine, wrecking my life and ploughing my girlfriend. Oh, and perhaps trying to take it over, but that’s of secondary consequence to me. Wait till I get my hoove… hands on her: that little freckled freak isn’t gonna know what hit her.”
“ ‘Urth’? Rriigghhtt. And your entire basis for this claim rests on the reliability of your criminally-insane centaur cellmate. Well, I don’t know about you: but I’m convinced!”
“R-Really?”
“...No. Maybe you could’ve fooled my brother, who fell out of the nest and hit his head when we were still hatchlings, but not me. Time for you to go back to where you belong, Cozy Glow. Help, she’s here! It’s… ” bonk .
Nope, I hadn’t suddenly changed my name to ‘bonk’ (still better than ‘Sandbar’ though).
What I had actually done in a fit of blind panic, was pick up the biggest, heaviest book in that library within reach to chuck straight at Smoulder’s head.
Clonk . A direct hit. Why I didn’t bring that same kind of vigour to school sports day, I don’t know. The shot-putt would be a shoe-in every year.
Oh, that’s right… we all got ‘participation trophies’, with no special prizes for first, second or third. I tell you, this ‘everyone wins’ mentality is really stifling the competitive spirit in our public education.
Who cares if Little Johnny cries all the way home cos he didn’t win anything, it’s preparing kids for the ruthless Rat Race that awaits them as jaded grown-ups. We’re breeding a generation of softies, people… wake up before it’s too late!
Oops, I went off on another aimless tangent, didn’t I? Maybe I should save my expletive-laden rants for when I’m not running for my very life. And soul, come to think of it.
I couldn’t help but emit a slight chuckle however, when I saw the title of the large tome now lying upturned on the floor next to Smoulder’s motionless form.
‘The Sleeping Patterns Of Reptiles’ indeed. What are the chances?
…………………………
Dragging a dragon around the ground with my teeth was difficult, even when I had a lavender coat to cling onto (I still needed to ask her about that when she came to… that is, if she’s not too upset about the whole ‘knocked me unconscious with a massive encyclopedia’ incident).
Finding an impromptu hiding place, with a torrent of students about to head in my general direction was even harder. All I saw is shelves upon shelves of boring literature, with nary a nook or cranny within sight for me to squeeze my pinkened rump into, let alone the more scaly posterior of my unwilling ‘hostage’.
So I did what any truly composed genius would with such dire odds set against them.
I completely lost my nerve.
“It’s not fair! It’s just not fair !! I’ve come so far after escaping from Tartarus, only to be foiled at the last second by a meticulously-designed book depository!” I couldn’t help but begin headbutting one of the shelves in pure frustration. At this point, I didn’t care if I exacerbated any existing cranial injuries: I’d reached peak despair.
In fact, so downhearted with depression was I at this particular juncture, I failed to see the cause-and-effect of my impactful blows…
...That is, until an avalanche of books from the top and middle shelves decided to dislodge themselves to utterly envelop me and a slumbering Smoulder, until nothing could be seen but a huge heap of hardcovers where we once were…
...Just as the real actual Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash and her ‘lovely’ parents happened to turn the corner and emerge on the scene. Guess the party was cancelled, then.
Considering the perpetual bullshat I’ve dealt with of late though, I say I’ve deserved this kind of unlikely and outrageous good fortune.
Don’t argue, just accept it. Anyway… time to listen in. Shush .
…………………..
“I can’t believe you gave a known terrorist a free pass back to the scene of her crimes! Don’t you read the news? Didn’t your daughter tell you about Cozy Glow?” Twilight sounds mighty pissed off and it isn’t too hard to ascertain why .
“I think that might be my bad, Twi. Though I love my parents, sometimes they can be a bit… much, so maybe I don’t keep in touch with them as much as I could.” Wow Rainbow, way to tell it straight. Now don’t wuss out like you did in the episode by making out their overzealousness was somehow all your fault .
“T-That’s right, we haven’t seen her as much as we’d like, except briefly at the monthly Scootaloo Appreciation Society Meetings we attend.” Is that thing still ongoing? Top marks for continuity there, Bow Hothoof . “How were we supposed to know the adorable filly we found in such a bad way, was capable of such evil acts of villainy? It’s not like we had any warnings…”
“Well. come to think of it, there was that guard en route who mentioned her, even if he never gave us a proper description or spoke her name.” Oh dear. Way to implicate yourself and your husband, Windy Whistles. There’s a time for brutal honesty, and it ain’t now . “I-I guess you could say, we’re partly responsible for not taking him seriously…?”
“Grr. This debate is getting us nowhere. We can point hooves later, for now I have to organise a search party, place the school on lockdown and alert the other Princesses. I’m so stressed, I haven’t even got the energy to clean up that dreadful mess over there.” What? Twilight must mean the one I made. Thank goodness for useful distractions . “What a way to treat valuable books! Whoever left the library in this state is in big trouble. But not as much trouble as Cozy, when I find her. Now: Bow and Windy… where did you say you saw her last?”
……………………..
As a very hot and bothered Twilight passed by with her companions blissfully unaware of my presence, I pondered with a sinking feeling that getting her to aid me in my noble quest had just been made much trickier.
She probably thinks I manipulated that ‘nice’ couple into smuggling me on site, so I could deliver my sweet sweet revenge. Just like the other Cozy would. But how am I gonna persuade her it’s all a frame-job, a stitch-up, a… complete load of old bollocks? Maybe I need another plan...
My deep soliloquy was unexpectedly interrupted by the sudden stirring of a dozing dragoness, who’d been spared further book-related head trauma by my bouncily-curled mane. It had somehow acted as a makeshift shield for both of us from the cascade of novels which’d rained down earlier. Who says that ridiculous hairdos don’t have their uses?
“H-Huh? What happened?” were Smoulder’s first words on reentering the land of the living, and I realised I had a lot of explaining to do.
Better make a more convincing fist of it than my last attempt.
...I of course, mean ‘hoof’. Jeez, the sooner I leave this weird world and it’s confusing alternate vernacular, the better.
Author's Note
A reminder: this fic is set at the end of S8. This means the stuff that happened in S9 hasn’t occurred yet, and also our protagonist has no idea about things that’ll be future canon, like Garble being Smoulder’s brother, for instance.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the update. Let me know what you think, as usual. Bye for now!
P.S I have a problem with too many chapter fics to update. I should concentrate on one at a time from now on, hopefully starting with this story. The plan is, the next one will be much faster...
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 12: How To Tame Your Dragon
I always thought, even whilst digging my nails with anguish into the sofa at every painful scene in the show she shared with Crazy Cozy, that Smoulder seemed a cut above most dragons.
Less of a pushover than Spike. Not as much of a jerk as whatever-that-creep was claiming to be his dad. And just a little more open to exploring other cultures than Princess Ember.
With that being said, surely I could somehow persuade this currently groggy reptile laid out next to me under a stack of books that my unlikely story wasn’t quite as outlandish as it first appeared?
Lobbing heavy objects at her noggin probably wasn’t the best first impression, true. But I’m sure, with just a bit of persuasion and a whole lotta luck, I can make some progress…
“Ow! That stung ! What the heck do you think you’re playing at? Also, why am I still alive?”
She’s surprised I didn’t kill her whilst she napped? That’s good. Maybe I can build on that distinctly un-Cozy like behaviour to convince her that…
“Wait, I know. You’re going to keep me prisoner, until you can get Twilight alone in a room with you! Then, you’ll produce some weird magical artifact… and ZAP ! No more headmare! Nice try Cozy, but she’ll dishoof you with her power before you get within spellcasting distance. Gee, for such a ‘criminal mastermind’, you sure turned out to be a disappointment.”
Smoulder’s trying to get a rise out of me by attempting to puncture Cozy’s legendary ego, but it won’t work. I happen to agree that her stupid schemes could only work on the dimmest of lifeforms. S-She just caught me on a bad day when she sucked me through that portal, that’s all. Wait...
“That’s it !!” I nearly yelled out loud, the only thing stopping me from alerting other ponies probably hunting for Cozy nearby being a ‘Keep Quiet’ sign on the wall. “Thank goodness you just mentioned magical artefacts, and I thought of the wormhole I arrived here in. I know how to prove my innocence! Yahoo ! Happy Days are here again!!”
“Hang on: magical wormholes prove Happy Days are… where exactly?” Maybe it was the disorienting bump on the head, but apparently Smoulder was a little more willing to listen now.
“Look Smoulder, I’m sorry I threw that big massive thing at your temple, but I really need your help right now. I’m in such a pickle, I’m not even gonna waste time by cracking any obvious Fonz jokes either.” Seeing no other option, I put all my cards on the table right there and then. “Is there anywhere we can sit and chat for around half-an-hour, so I can explain how I got here, what I’ve done so far and what a hellish experience it’s been in the alleged ‘Wonderful World Of Friendship’?”
“Uh, I don’t know about that. I mean, you’re definitely not acting like any version of Cozy I know, and even your apology there sounded genuine. But even if I thought there was the slightest chance you were telling the truth, what happens if we’re caught? They’ll send me straight back to the Dragon Lands for hiding a fugitive, and I’ll never see my friends again!”
“...And they’ll toss me into prison for the rest of my life, where a steady diet of gruel, stale air and Tirek’s snoozing will make me want to kill myself within a week! And I didn’t even do anything wrong! Well, not here anyway. Still, shoplifting some ciggies from the local off-license hardly deserves the same punishment as trying to destroy Equestria…”
“Geez , pipe down Cozy: or whatever your real name is. If you promise to stop confusing me so much, I know just the place where we won’t be disturbed. Just stick to the facts when you tell your story, because all of these odd references you’re making are giving me a headache. An even bigger one than after you knocked me out, that is.”
“It’s a deal , Smoulder. I just wish I could take your migraine away. If only I’d packed some aspirin, or paracetamol before arriving here. But I wonder: are they toxic to dragons or not? I’m not sure if it’s the kind of thing they’d advertise on the back of the packet…”
“....What did we just agree on, ‘Cozy’?”
“Aargh ! Shutting up, shutting up! And you can call me ‘Nigel’!”
“ ‘Nigel’? Are you sure about that? I don’t want to be rude(!)”
“Oh, ha ha ! Not everyone’s parents can give them a cool name like Nicholas. That’s my brother, by the way. Nicky Nacky, Nickmeister, Tricky Nicky… what’s my nickname? ‘Nige’. I tell you, where’s the justice?!”
“ ‘Justice’ put Cozy behind bars, and if you’re too loud that group of guards over there will hear you and repeat the action, then you will have something to complain about.”
Oops. I quickly made a zipping motion with my mouth as Smoulder visibly rolled her eyes before getting up to guide us both ahead.
Hopefully, this rampant imbecility I displayed might have a silver lining in the end: why on Equestria would the ‘normal’ Cozy behave in such a bizarre manner with complete disregard for her own freedom?
Surely, the only possible answer was she’d been taken over by some numbskull from another universe, who possessed not even a fraction of her resourcefulness and unflappability?
Basically, the difference between Smoulder believing my tall tale or not rested on me proving without doubt that a dimension-hopping device and body-swapping potion had been half-inched from the school…
...And my own natural state of being a 100% certified nitwit: a ‘quality’ so deeply entrenched in my psyche that no amount of Oscar-calibre acting could pass it off as the genuine article.
Ouch. My self-confidence just took a major body blow. But if everycreature thinking I’m a moron helps me get back home, it’s a humiliation I’m willing to accept. Whoever thought a mixture of C’s, D’s and occasional truancies would prove to be so useful? Take that, careers advisor!
………………………
“I think I just saw the soldiers check in here already. In other words, we’ll be safe. Go on Nigel. You first.”
“Wait, I know this storeroom! It’s where you gave Spike valuable advice about puberty, isn’t it? You were so cool to him in that episode, Smoulder! Shame about Pinkie’s constant interruptions, but you know what she’s like.”
“Huh? How did you… you know what, it’s not important. I’m sure you’ll tell me in great deal about your spying methods, whether I like it or not. If there’s anything I know you love by now, it’s the sound of your own voice.”
“Hmm. I don’t know whether to be insulted, or pleased that you’re finally coming round to the idea I might not be Cozy Glow. It’d be good to finally make a friend here, everycreature else seems to be out for my blood. Which usually I’d be fine with, if I wasn’t forcibly occupying her wretched husk at the moment.”
“Who said anything about ‘friends’, Nigel? I only told you I’d hear you out, nothing more nothing less. Also, if you knew anything about Cozy’s previous activities, you wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that plenty of creatures would love to see her locked up again. Of course, then there’s that smaller section who think treating a filly that way, no matter how wicked, is immoral…”
“Now who’s a chatterbox, Smoulder? Anyway, in I go. I’m glad you’re wearing a coat and not a hat… because if you were, you’d eat it after hearing my tragic lament of treachery, debauchery and shattered headcanons. It’s the kind of schtick bad fanfiction is made for: But in my case, all this actually happened!”
“Yeah, yeah. Just move it.” Clearly Smoulder had already had it up to here with my irrelevant asides and constant buffoonery. Can’t say I blame her… I try being serious sometimes, but it just doesn’t come naturally.
Maybe playing the clown covers up for the rest of my glaring deficiencies? Who can say. Perhaps a trip to the psychiatrist is what’s called for. I’ll definitely need some form of therapy, if I can get through this.
Suddenly, a random thought snapped me out of my self-pitying, but by the time it’d popped into my head it was already too late.
What if letting me go out in front was all just part of a plan for Smoulder to shut me away in the storeroom, whilst she flew off to fetch Twilight and company?
Just because it seems like she’s beginning to believe me, it doesn’t mean she isn’t still a bit dubious. She might’ve decided this situation was too much for a child such as herself, and made a snap decision to summon the adults after all.
And where is it said ‘never trust a dragon’? The Hobbit? Game Of Thrones? (Oops, that was more ‘never trust a Dragon Queen’).
Maybe I’m just a prejudiced bigot who made those words up on my own. Either way, I was probably about to discover the price of betrayal for myself…
“What are you looking so worried about?” Smoulder frowned, as she closed the door behind her. “Oh I get it: you thought I was gonna lock you up while I made a dash for it. Contrary to what you might've heard, us dragons never welch on a promise. Well, some might… but they’re chased outta the Dragon Lands quicker than it takes a Timberwolf to burn to ashes. Anyway, spill. Remember, what you’re about to tell me might make the difference between a cage in Tartarus or a one-way ticket back to Urth. Better make it a doozie.”
No pressure, then. Gulp.
Author's Note
Focusing on one story at a time obviously has benefits, as this is the second update in four days. Huzzah.
He's finally found somecreature to talk to, but what happens next is anyone's guess. Well not mine since I'm the author, but anyway...
Thanks for reading, and I may be back sooner than you think.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 13: An Explanation And Expedition
“Hmm, so correct me if I’m wrong… but you’re telling me, Nigel is a boy’s name?”
“Yep. Got it in one, Smoulds.”
“...Please never call me that again. So anyway, back on this ‘Urth’ where you were born, you were…”
“Indeed. A man. A member of the male genus. Full of testosterone, covered with dense body hair and with rippling muscles vibrating in every bicep. Now it’s all gone, thanks to that scheming little brat. And I haven’t even mentioned the tragic loss of my…”
“A-Actually you did . Numerous times, in fact.” A slightly blushing Smoulder swiftly put a claw to my mouth, in order to keep the conversation G-rated. “We have anatomy lessons in class, you know. We just never covered primates, or hu-mans as you insist on calling yourself.”
Great. More good stuff that Hasbro chopped out of the show. I tell you, one of these days I’m gonna insist on an uncensored boxset. I mean, if we’re finally getting the Snyder cut of Justice League, surely it’s possible...
“Hello? Hi? Can you hear me?!” A short sharp nudge brought me back to depressing reality, and Smoulder staring wearily down at me, with the same jaded expression almost since we first met. “You know, as fun as it is hitting Cozy Glow without consequences, you really shouldn’t waste your time daydreaming. Remember, those guards could return any second, and I heard they’ve been promised promotions once you’re back in custody.”
Uh oh . “U-Um, sorry Smoulder. Bad habit of mine, probably because my own life sucks so much escaping into fantasy is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. And just when things were starting to look up with my girlfriend ‘n all, I found myself transported against my will to this living nightmare, in the body of a filly fugitive. Fate’s plaything, that’s all I am.”
“So, you think Equestria is a ‘living nightmare’, eh? Yet, if I’m to believe your story, you were a big fan of this supposedly horrible place? Which only exists in your dimension as a play in a squarish electrical box, for the mindless entertainment of other primates once a week?!” Smoulder seemed most put-out by the notion that her entire world was basically a cartoon designed to distract noisy kids before naptime, and I can’t honestly say I blamed her.
“Okay, so when you put it like that I guess it sounds kinda…” I attempted to clarify some of the details, but Smoulder wasn’t quite done yet.
“Another thing. This ‘Urth’ you seem so desperate to return to. This might be a stupid question, but what’s so great about it? Wars. Pollution. Prejudice. Disease. Slavery. I can’t believe they force ponies to carry other hu-mans around on their backs, and make them sleep in tiny huts not much bigger than outhouses! The final straw was when you told me…”
“Y-Yes. Dragons don’t exist where I come from. I mean, they're a big part of our culture, but they never lived for real. Just like King Arthur, James Bond and Harry Potter.” If that made her so upset, thank goodness I didn’t tell her about what Saint George allegedly did. Ouch.
“Yet, you want to return there? Geez, Nigel. After hearing all this, maybe I misjudged Cozy. Compared to what you’re saying, her rants are beginning to sound pretty sane.” Smoulder seemed to shake her head in pity at my plight, so I took the opportunity to make a few things clear before I completely lost her respect…
...and more importantly, my route home.
“First of all, I have family and friends on Earth. They might not be much, but they’re the only ones I’ve got. Secondly, if I was to make a ‘fresh start’ here, it certainly wouldn’t be in this bedeviled form. I’d rather be Matilda! Suri Polomare! Flash Sentry, even! At least I’d get to keep my original gender! Lastly, I know my world stinks! That’s not gonna stop me from trying to make it a better place. I mean, what would happen if we all just gave up? Nothing would ever get done! Which is why I need your help now to get back where I actually belong! Also, to put an end to Cozy Glow’s plan, whatever it is. We have enough grown-up megalomaniacs in charge on my planet, without adding a child one to the mix. So, are you gonna lend me a claw, or shall I have to take my chances with somecreature else? One thing’s for sure: I won’t be able to do it alone.”
Wow. Did I really just come up with all that cringeworthy guff on the spot? Me, the most lazy layabout to ever languish in all of perpetuity? I guess when properly cornered, anyone can surprise themselves with the copious amount of bullshizz they can spout. Or maybe I’ve been watching too many movies where the unlikely hero makes a ‘big speech’ which instantly rallies all the skeptical troops onto his side. Surely Smoulder is too smart to fall for this blatantly obvious ruse…
“Okay, I’ll do it.” My initial misgivings were swept aside by four simple words from the dragon, and that was apparently that. “Come on, then. We better get to Twilight’s study, before they close this entire area down. You did say that’s where Cozy told you the body-swapping potion and time-travel device were stolen from, right?”
“Y-Yeah, but…” I quickly sprung to my hooves, quite unable to believe how easy it was to convince my new ally. “In your shoes… or talons even, I probably would’ve been more suspicious, even after my half-arsed explanation. Tell me, what was it that won you over? Was it my touching love for my family? My undying hatred of the blue-haired freckled one? My selfless vow to improve the cesspit where I come from?”
“Not exactly.” Smoulder shrugged her shoulders, as she made a move to exit the tiny storage room. “I’ve just been through so much weird stuff since I started attending here, I figured: What’ve I got to lose with another wacky adventure? Best case scenario… I succeed in helping you get Cozy, become a national hero and finally get Gallus to publicly admit that dragons are way better than griffons. Whilst wearing a stupid hat, of course.”
“Hey! You’re one to talk, with that daft lavender jacket you have on!” I interrupted, finally able to bring up her odd choice of clothing.
“I-It was Headmare Twilight’s idea, alright? A reward for being ‘Student Of The Week’, in her colours. I get the privilege of wearing it for the next seven days, to show how smart I am. No matter how many futile protests I lodge. Oh, joy .” Smoulder seemed oddly uncomfortable for a second, and being a true gentleman I decided not to push the issue any further.
“I see. Makes total sense. Back to what we were discussing, what’s the ‘worse case’ that might happen?”
“I get every creature to think you’re stark-raving mad and took me hostage. Considering the kind of nonsense you’ve spouted so far and the fact you’re just like Cozy in everything but personality, it wouldn’t be the most difficult of conversations.” Smoulder checked both sides to see if the coast was clear, before gesturing me forward. “Either way, it’s a win-win for me. No offense, if you thought I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Gee, thanks .” I sarcastically muttered, my previously swelled ego being punctured like a cheap party balloon. “There was me thinking that we were going to become the next big duo. You know, an unexpected pairing thrown together by chance who are polar opposites, but nevertheless capable of seeing through their myriad of differences to become the best of…”
“Look, I don’t know what you think this is, but this isn’t a fake ‘TV show’ now or however you described our existence on Equestria earlier.” Smoulder made her way outside, waiting impatiently for me to catch up. “It’s real . If they catch you, it’s curtains. So maybe a bit less self-gratification, and a little more movement would be nice. Hop to it, and let’s go.”
“Alright then.” I sighed in defeat, before attempting to flap my wings again. Apparently, that little rest had worked wonders, as I could hover in the air just as good as before. “Lead the way.. Of course I know where Twilight’s study is, but as they say ‘ladies first’.”
“You’re looking pretty female yourself from where I’m standing,” Smoulder gave me ‘the eye’ momentarily, as she turned around to venture on. “But enough of the pointless banter. Let’s just get there, and get this over with.”
“Sounds good to me, Smouldy.” I had to stifle a giggle as thoughts of a certain orange dragon dressed in the cutest of frocks underneath the School Of Friendship invaded my head. Oh, if only she knew that I knew her secret …
“Wait a second. Did you just call me ‘Mouldy’? And what’s so funny…?”
“O-Of course I didn’t. Also, nothing’s the matter at all.” I quickly put back my most serious expression. Which wasn’t all that credible, to be honest. “Come on, let’s not waste any more time here. Lets vamoose, compadre!”
“Uh, okay.” Smoulder had obviously long since tired of my foolishness, but to fulfil her earlier vow she apparently intended to stick with me until the bitter end.
I had to give her major props for that. There weren’t many others who’d give an irritating loudmouth like me that kind of leeway.
I just hope she’s right, and my crazy antics don’t land us both in trouble. It’d probably be much worse for me if we both get caught, but still…
…………………….
“So anyway, here we are: Headmare Twilight’s study. Impressive, isn’t it? A chair, a desk and a few assorted cabinets. Hope it was worth the trip, Nigel.”
“We’ll soon discover if it was, Smoulder. C‘mon, help me snoop around! There must be some kind of hidden stash of magical items inside the seemingly dull facade. Cozy may be a natural born liar, but I don’t think she’d fib whilst gloating to my face.“
“Interesting way of looking at it, I suppose. Very well then, anything for a quiet life.” Smoulder tried playing down her enthusiasm, but I could tell there was a slight glint of excitement in her slit eyes.
Either that, or being found trespassing here might be the excuse she needs to rid herself of that awful jacket. Whatever. As long as the fashion police are the only law authority who are alerted.
For the next half-an-hour or so we searched low. We searched high. On the worktops. Through the drawers. Behind the shelves. Each time, finding nothing but teaching supplements and student-related materials. Drat. And double drat.
I did find some intriguing non-canonical information relating to the rest of the Young 6, such as Yona’s blood type being the unbelievably rare AB (poor thing, hope she never needs a transfusion) and Sandbar having two dads as parents (him and Scootaloo really need to get together for a chat) but little else.
Nothing that would keep me out of the pokie, anyway. Or in the good graces of an increasingly frowning Smoulder, who despite her earlier promises was beginning to sound a mite tetchy.
“I thought you said they’d be some sign of the missing magical artefacts here, but so far we’ve found nothing.” The orange dragon turned around to address me, from beneath the table she was currently examining. “Are you sure this is where Cozy said she stole them from? Or maybe, she fooled you after all. Perhaps I’m the one that’s being fooled…”
“Arrgh ! Don’t worry! We’ll find something, I swear! Or my name isn’t Nigel Norris!” I made a brave proclamation there and then, before seeds of doubt truly began to sprout in Smoulder’s head.
“Hang on. You mean to tell me, your last name is… Norris ?!” All signs of suspicion suddenly faded from Smoulder’s face, to be replaced by the widest of smirks.
“Yeah, yeah. Do your worst. I've heard all the jokes. Auntie Doris. Uncle Horace. Born in a florist. Let’s just say, my old classmates were rubbish at lessons, but experts at poetry.” I tried hiding my shame from Smoulder, and my obvious embarrassment provoked an unexpected reaction from the dragon.
“N-No, I wasn’t gonna tease you. My brother gets enough of that for his hobby, so I know how bad it can be. I was just thinking: you know how earlier you were telling me you don’t have a ‘cool’ nickname?”
“What about it?”
“Well, how about ‘N.N’?” She winked at me in a genial way. “I mean, that is the letter both your names start with, right? And anything’s gotta be better than ‘Nigel’, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
“N.N. N.N. Hmm… I actually like it!” I exclaimed, conveniently ‘forgetting’ I also had a middle name. Which was Shirley, after my mum. Perhaps I’d bring it up later. Much later. “Okay, from now on you can call me N.N! As long as people don’t think it stands for Narcissistic Nincompoop, my street cred should improve by at least 20%! And I have you to thank for it! How can I ever repay…”
“Just, try talking a bit less. And when you do, make a bit more sense.” Smoulder seemed a little more relaxed now. Either we were beginning to bond a microscopic amount, or this was the start of a mild case of Stockholm Syndrome. “Now, let’s start looking again. I think you might’ve missed a spot in that alcove over there.”
Oops. The perceptive reptile is correct. I better get over there now and… oops.
As heartened as I was in this minor breakthrough we’d made in our relationship, I failed to notice the bump in the carpet until I’d tripped head-over-hooves-over-wings on it.
“Hey, you okay?” A concerned Smoulder had made her way over to check my health. After I beaned her with a giant-size book earlier for no other reason but to evade capture. Talk about benevolence.
“Well, I do ache all over from the consistent abuse I’ve tolerated since my arrival, and I’m so hungry I could eat a… well, you know. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I had a decent meal: I’d even stomach a soggy McDonald’s Happy Meal round about now! You know, the ones that never look as good as they do in the display photos, made from the tainted offal of sick… wait, what are you staring at? Can’t you see I am pouring my little heart out here?!”
Looks like my appraisal of Smoulder’s capacity for empathy was a bit premature, as now she wasn’t paying any attention to me at all. Instead, she seemed transfixed by something just under the carpet where I’d fallen, and she urged me over to have a look.
“N.N, come look at this ! A secret trapdoor, that I’ve never even seen before. If there is any hidden cache of magical stuff in here, it’s bound to be in there! Well done for ‘stumbling’ on it(!)”
Frowning at the jibe about my clumsiness yet pleased that we’d located a possible way to prove my innocence, I was about to deliver a curt yet positive riposte to my companion’s remark…
Then we heard them. Footsteps, coming this way.
Or rather, hoofsteps. But in this dire situation, who cares about semantics?
We’d taken too long to find anything, and now it appeared me and Smoulder’s budding friendship was about to stutter to an unsatisfactory end...
...And we hadn’t even got around to shooting our first buddy flick. Danggit.
Author's Note
Well, here you go. An extra long chapter for you guys. I hope you enjoyed it, and more of the same soon I swear. Bye for now.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
After all I’ve done in getting this far. The pain I’ve suffered. The sacrifices I’ve made. All for nothing. Soon, I’ll be in chains once more and Cozy Glow will be ruling Earth with an iron hoof. I can’t help but feel partially responsible. If only I’d picked an earlier time for my date, instead of getting sucked through that damn portal created by that evil equine Annie-lookalike…
“Uh, Nigel?” Smoulder glanced at me with that arched eyebrow which was kind of her trademark now when dealing with my nonsense. “You’re doing that thing again where you're thinking stuff, but it’s actually coming out of your mouth. What ‘pain’? What ‘sacrifices’? I know your entire story now, and I don’t think your journey here was that difficult. Also, thanks to the Equestrian Convention On Prisoner Rights a few years ago, we no longer keep inmates in chains…”
“Hey, it’s my job to nitpick the smallest details. Either this is a trait of yours they never displayed in the show, or I’m being a bad influence on you.” I said, wondering if my presence here opened a whole new can of worms. Is Smoulder going to be different now in season nine, as a result of her bizarro interactions with me? How can that be possible, when the show-writers decide literally every move she makes in advance…?
“Whoa! I don’t exactly know what you mean, but nocreature ‘decides’ my life for me. Also, what are you talking about with ‘season nine’? As far as I’m aware, there are only four seasons. Gosh, the weather on Urth must be pretty weird if you have many.” Oops. I did it again, in the words of the immortal Britney Spears.
The depressing similarities don’t end there between me and the blonde teenybopper, either. Right now, both of us have virtually no control over our own lives whilst being forced to perform just to survive. I’m starting to feel ya, gurl…
“Look, while it’s kinda amusing hearing you telegraph every random passing thought, maybe it can wait ‘til after we evade capture?” Smoulder’s hissed reminder sent me crashing back down to earth (I wish) so naturally we went and hid in the most original place you can think of…
...Behind the desk, where Twilipants spent half of her cloistered life indoors: setting Friendship exams, marking Friendship exams and generally being a great big nerd. Genius .
Unfortunately, it was way too late to change our minds. I could just picture the door creaking, the mess we’d left behind in our thorough search being surveyed and whoever it was calling me to come out and get measured for a nice new set of hoofcuffs. Clawcuffs for my companion, of course.
Steps approaching rapidly. Chances of being discovered: imminent. Bowel status: About to open. Explosively. Hheellpp...
“Miss Twilight?”
“Yes dear, what is it?”
“Yona think she spot bad pony in bathroom, just before big lockdown. She want to tell Headmare straightaway, but stopped by Professor Pinkie. Professor seem much less jolly than usual.”
“My dear, Pinkie Pie is right to be worried, for as you know Cozy Glow is no ordinary threat. And you shouldn’t have escaped lockdown, because even though it might seem harsh it’s for your and everycreature’s own safety.”
“...Yona sorry.”
“But thank you for coming to me directly with this information. I shall instruct the guards immediately to redouble their efforts around that general area. Hopefully, we can find Smoulder nearby too.”
“Y-You’re welcome, Miss Twilight.”
“Don’t mention it. We both want to track Cozy down so things can return to normal as soon as possible. Oh, and Yona…?”
“Yes, Miss Twilight?”
“I can trust you to return to the classroom by yourself, can’t I? If you’re scared or need some company, I could always…”
“No, Miss Twilight. Yona brave yak. If she spot Cozy Glow on way back, she bellow like stampede. Wait till you hear how loud she can be!”
“O-Okay, just this once I’ll let you shout in the corridor, considering the gravity of the situation. Take care, won’t you?”
“I will. Good luck, Miss Twilight!”
“You too, Yona. You too.”
What... What was that ? I mouthed those exact words to an equally mollified Smoulder, who could only shrug her shoulders in response.
Apparently, Twilight had decided to return to her office for some unknown reason, and just as she was about to catch us in the act of turning her perfect-organised working space upside-down…
...Along came a woolly saviour to pull our sorry butts out of the frying pan to nobly break-and-enter for another day. There wasn’t any sign of a fire within sight, either. Huzzah!
It just proves the ancient adage: Superheroes don’t always wear capes. Sometimes, they have horns, hooves and refer to themselves in the third yak.
Yes, I did say ‘yak’. Sorry Trixie, I wasn’t talking about you.
“I-Is okay for Yona to enter now?” A somewhat hesitant girlish voice could be heard from just behind the door. “She saw friend Smoulder with Cozy Glow getting along very nicely before lockdown, and she figured there be good reason for this. Smoulder smart and loyal dragon: she not just side with Cozy Glow unless something going on. Yona want to know, so save both from Headmare Twilight before discovery. Yona sad because she never tell lie before, but trust Smoulder to do right thing. Can Yona hear big secret, and maybe help out some?”
Well, this was unexpected. I turned back to Smoulder, and we nodded our heads in unison as to our next course of action.
It was the right thing to do, and besides if we said ‘no’ the resulting tantrum could shake the entire school down to its foundations.
I’d be caught for sure then, and liable for earthquake damages. I’m pretty sure this place didn’t have disaster insurance, either.
“Come in, Yona.” Smoulder elected to greet her first, as hearing me address her like an old friend would be just too strange in Cozy’s horseshoes.
After a few moments, the door swung all the way open and in stepped the not inconsiderable bulk of Yona. Sporting an apprehensive expression, she tentatively moved towards Smoulder’s gesturing claw behind the desk, whereas I tried to make myself look as un-Cozy as possible before making any presentation.
I don’t want to panic the poor girl, so maybe it’s best if I don’t even look straight at her. But wouldn’t that seem sort of suspicious? Also, if I try to smile I may just come across as creepy. At least, that’s what I thought of canon Cozy and her phony baloney saccharine grins. Huh, the irony. Yona’s probably terrified of me, yet she could crush this puny form under one of her giant hooves. Which is fine, once I'm out of here. Man, I can’t wait until I’m a man again…
Noticing my implicit unease, Smoulder looked down from her vantage point to gently tap me on the shoulder. “Hey, N.N. You good? If you like, I can do all the explaining to Yona, while you hang back here. If you think your sudden appearance is gonna cause any problems, I mean.”
“T-That might be for the best. Thanks, Smoulder.” I swallowed the gathering lump in my throat with relief.
Turns out this dragon is proving quite the asset. I knew I had impeccable taste in liking her on the show! I bet her brother she keeps mentioning is equally cool. I can’t wait to meet him!
Smoulder didn’t respond directly to my genuine gratitude, she simply acknowledged it with a wink before revealing all of herself to the approaching yak. “Yona, you and me have a lot to talk about. Let’s go over there to discuss things, shall we?”
“Sure, Smoulder! But where Cozy Glow now? And look! You rip nice new jacket. Headmare Twilight not be pleased.”
“Forget about them for now! You want to know what’s going on, don’t you?”
“Yes! Yona does. With all her heart!”
“Well, let’s take a seat over there. Afterwards, you can decide for yourself what you wanna do. We owe you that much, anyway.”
“Okay. Yona not usually like long stories, but she can tell this one gonna be good! Begin when ready.”
“Alright then. Well, let’s see. It all started when I was in the library cramming for the big test next week. Like most dragons, generosity isn’t exactly one of my strong points…”
I tuned out at that point, lost in my own thoughts about how this could go. Either she believes us, and this blockbuster buddy flick just got some much-needed comic relief, or the project will be canceled before it’s even had a chance to be shot. I hope you’re better at explaining complicated scenarios than I am, Smoulder…
That characteristic dose of optimism aside, I began dwelling once more on the loved ones I’d left behind to wander Equestria as a furry, feathery demonic brat.
When I return, things are gonna be different. I’ll lose some weight. Get a job. I might even clean under my bed! After all, some of those empty beer bottles have probably been around for centuries. But mostly, I’ll value the people in my life a lot more. Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you never know when you’re gonna be zapped to another dimension where TV shows are real. Oh, why couldn’t it have been something cool like Breaking Bad? Or Westworld. Even Orange Is The New Black. Imagine being stuck in jail with a bunch of sexy ladies desperate for the D. I mean, I’ve never actually watched it, but I assume that’s what it’s about… CRASH!
No, before you ask that deafening sound was not part of my fervent imagination.
But how I wish it was, reader.
Not really wanting to, but left with little other option, I shakingly lifted my tiny head above the desktop...
Author's Note
Another chapter, hot off the press. And another cliffhanger. Don't worry, I'll resolve it soon enough. Hope you're still enjoying the story, and much more to follow.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Have you ever heard the expression ‘Size matters’ before?
Well, I’m here today to tell you, based on first-hoof evidence: it does .
Particularly if one minute you’re a wee hellion of a pegasus hovering inches off the ground…
Suddenly transposed into a GIGANTIC shaggy monster whose every step shook the floor she walked on as if an earthquake was looming.
Yep, the pronoun there is accurate. I was still a ‘she’, even after escaping the loathsome form of that demented feather duster.
I hate my life, I really do. And that applies even before all this bullshizz happened, when I was in my original body. I wasn’t about to win Mr Universe anytime soon, but at least it was mine .
Now, I didn’t even have that. Yep, the cosmos must truly hate me. Oh Mars, Jupiter, Uranus… what did I ever do to you?!
I let out another huge sigh (probably my millionth since touchdown into Tartarus) and allowed my thoughts to wander back to the present.
Let’s see what we’re dealing with here. Two sharp horns, check. Legs like tree trunks, double check. Huge hairy gut, triple check. Well, at least that’s one facet I share with my former self. Whoopee.
Sarcasm aside, it still felt pretty good to longer be an active member of ‘Child Psychopaths Limited’. Sucks to be Yona right now, though. Speak of the devil (literally, when referring to Cozy Glow)...
I glanced to my left, where the former bovine was slowly adapting to her new digs inside Chez Cozy. Well, ‘adapting’ might be too strong a word: after having a near-meltdown inside Twilight’s office, the alicorn had been forced to take drastic measures and suspend the panicking pegasus with magic until she’d stopped bouncing off the walls.
Get it together, Yona. At least you’re still on your own planet. Also, from a purely selfish perspective, at least I wasn’t the screw up this time. For the culprit behind this latest outbreak of stupidity, look no further than good ol’ reliable Smoulder to our right here. There she is everybody, give her a big hand! Or a hoof. Or claw. Whatever, you know what I mean.
As usual, my unparalleled ability to shirk any responsibility whatever surpassed itself. The fact that none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t teased Cozy and fell for her obvious scheming back on Mother Earth somehow escaped my attention.
Gotta preserve that fragile ego at all costs, dude.
In any case, I couldn’t feel too sorry for the panic-stricken yak and-guilt-ridden dragon. I had to keep my focus on returning home at all costs, for who knows what evils Cozy had perpetrated in my absence. If that execrable equine has changed the carefully chosen puke-green colour scheme in my bedroom, I’ll, I’ll...
“Ahem ! ‘Nigel’, if that is your real name, can you hear me? I was just inquiring if everything you just told me is true.”
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Me, Yona and Smoulds are currently stationed in Starlight’s office facing the ire of one Twilight Sparkle, seeing as how the alicorn’s HQ is a little worse for wear right now.
A brief assessment: Papers everywhere, cracked walls, missing floorboards… phew . Some cowboy builder will have a field day ripping her off there.
“It just seems… so unbelievable. Normally I’d dismiss such a fanciful tale off-hoof, but based on the evidence you’ve presented, I have to at least consider…”
Speaking of Starlight, where is she? Probably getting Cozy Glow’s parents so they can have a ‘grand’ reunion. Yay! Won’t they be pleased when they discover a native Yakyakistanian has taken over their daughter? Also, won’t Prince Rutherford be simply ecstatic when he finds out a visitor from another world is now inhabiting one of his dear subjects? And she now talks in proper sentences? ...I predict another war is brewing. Maybe a two-parter?
“Nigel?! Nige l!!” Twilight’s impatience had deteriorated to the point she’d now strode from behind Starlight’s desk, and now stood muzzle-to-muzzle glaring at me. “I swear, if you were one of my students I would’ve failed you terms ago for blatant inattention! Now, you told me you came from a place where the dominant species walk on two legs instead of four, and have close ties to the primate kingdom. And that’s where Cozy Glow abducted you from? Is that right?”
“Y-Yeah. Kinda.” I scratched the back of my dense neck hair sheepishly. You’d think I’d be more excited to meet the Princess Of Friendship herself, but after everything that's happened I was more in a state of shock. Which might explain what I said next. “The closest thing I can compare it to is Equestria Girls, but with a few less garish skin tones. And we don’t spend our entire lives at school going on endless camping trips or having corny ‘Battle Of The Bands’, either. Which I’m quite thankful for, to be honest.”
“Wha… how did you…” Twilight’s eyes nearly popped out of her egghead skull upon hearing that, whilst Yona and Smoulder stopped their perpetual moping to stare at each other in confusion. Oops.
Did I say too much? Wouldn’t be the first time. Still, I’m so close to returning home at this point, what are a few careless words? If anything, that should convince Twilight even more that I am ‘on the level’ when I told her that the entire foundation of her cherished universe is naught but a popular fictional TV show. I mean, even Truman Burbank figured it out eventually! So a smart pony like her should have no trouble with this uncomfortable truth… I hope.
“No matter. Considering the oddness of everything else you’ve told me here today, I suppose knowing about my visits to Canterlot High isn’t the strangest part. Now, as to what I should do next…”
Twilight then put on her infamous ‘deep in thought’ face, as she returned to sit behind Starlight’s desk to brood at leisure. Meanwhile, I glanced back at my two new friends (hopefully, if Yona can forgive me for temporarily pulling an accidental bodysnatch on her) wondering what exactly would happen next.
“Do you think… she’s gonna help me?” I murmured, wanting some concrete reassurance to go along with my blind optimism.
“For your sake I hope so. I just wonder who’s gonna help me, when my parents find out…” Smoulder whispered back, looking just as agitated as when she literally ‘dropped’ us in it earlier.
“Y-Yona no like being bad pony! Small, puny, weak… she bring shame on yak’s good name! Y-Yona want to change back. Now !!” Yona must’ve missed the memo about keeping things quiet, as she ended her sincere plea with a watery yelp before rolling around on the floor bawling her eyes out.
Obviously Twilight couldn’t concentrate with all this tomfoolery going on, so she suspended her soliloquy long enough to address us (well, mostly Yona) in a firm yet friendly voice.
“Yona, please calm down. I told you before… I can’t reverse the effects of magical objects by myself. You have to use the original item for it to work: but it just so happens there’s a nationwide shortage of body-swapping potions right now. I’ve sent instructions to all four corners of Equestria to notify me the second one is located, but for now you’ll have to stay as you are. I really need a moment of silence here. If you can’t settle, maybe you should wait outside? Yes, I think that would be for the best for all three of you. Guards ! Smoulder, please look after Yona, will you… and as for you Nigel...”
Uh oh. I don’t like that peeved glance she flashed at me just before I was led out … I thought anxiously, as I was frogmarched to the door alongside a sobbing Yona and a pensive Smoulder. Twilight didn’t look like a pony who was about to jump on board with my plan. And I thought I had such a charming personality, too. I would say it was ‘her loss’, but considering I can’t do anything without her assistance, the onus is on me to convince her I guess. Better hope it turns out okay… oh, hi every other member of the Mane Six.
Yep, the gang's all here. With classes being suspended, and the ‘threat’ being contained, a curious crowd had gathered in the corridor. Mostly made up of the resident students and teachers, they were being held back by a few guards and a thin cordon. Just.
I would’ve gone over to ask Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity for their ~~autographs~~ hoofprints, but they’d apparently been debriefed by Rainbow Dash as to my ‘shameful’ manipulation of her parents. Pissed doesn’t even begin to describe how angry they appeared, even cheerful Pinkie looked readier to mash me into cupcakes rather than throw me a delightful ‘Welcome To Equestria!’ party.
(By the way, if you’re planning to look up the meaning of that joke, don’t. You’ll save yourself thousands of pounds in therapy bills and many hours of sleepless nights. Believe me.)
The most awful part was the fact that they must’ve missed the bit where my soul had done a lil switcheroo with Yona’s, so it was her in Cozy’s pinkish shell that was the main target of their undeserved acrimony .
The poor former yak quickly caught onto their disdain, and was now crying so hard that the usually standoffish Smoulder had to step in as Twilight suggested to attempt to placate the innocent creature.
I would give Yona a hug myself, but I don't feel I’m fully in command of this gargantuan body yet. What would happen if I squeezed so hard, her head popped off her neck like a cork from a bottle of champagne? As much as the thought of that happening to Cozy’s grotesque features pleases me, I’ll have to restrain myself until the real Cozy is back where she belongs. Then, it’s a party.
It was just as I was thinking those pleasant thoughts that a cry sounded up from the surrounding throng, as four diminutive figures managed to break through the flimsy barrier, probably on account of their short stature.
That’s right, Yona and Smoulder’s other close acquaintances, the ones I hadn’t been formally introduced to yet, approached us… but wearing looks of concern rather than hostility. Sandbar was the first to speak, as he made his way over to ‘Yona’ (a.k.a me), probably to find out just what the heck is going on.
“What in Equestria is going on?!” See, I was nearly right. “One minute we’re in lessons like normal, next we’re told Cozy Glow has escaped, then the school was in lockdown, and now…”
“...We find you and Smoulder hanging out with her, as if you were bosom buddies!” Gallus was the next to step forward, as the grumpy griffon grimaced at a mollified Smoulder gently cradling a sniffling Yona-in-Cozy-Glow’s-skin within her scaly arms.
‘Um, guys. You know I hate it when we fight. I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this…” Gawd bless Silverstream, always trying to find the positive in the most difficult of circumstances.
“Well if there is, I’d like to hear it.” Ocellus seemed unusually forthright, but I guess for once her natural shyness was overcome by her burgeoning curiosity.
“W-Where do I start…” I mused, forgetting where and who I was momentarily under the intense pressure. “It all began when I was getting ready for a hot date back on Earth, when suddenly this face of unrivalled ugliness and hate came sneering at me from an interdimensional portal hanging over my outdated PC. I really need to get that thing upgraded, Windows XP my arse... what ? Why are you all staring at me? What I’m saying makes perfect sense… at least, I think it does.”
Sandbar’s jaw was quivering, and he put a worried hoof on my(?) haunches. “Y-Yona, w-what’s the matter with you?”
Huh?
“You don’t sound like yourself at all . And I bet it’s got something to do with Cozy over there.” Sandbar’s expression turned in a millisecond from worry to anger, and he quickly spun around to face the aforementioned pegasus. “I’m sure she messed up Smoulder’s brain, too. Come on everycreature, let’s ‘have a word’ with her, shall we?”
As even the more placid members of the party agreed with him out of fear for their two friends, and the real Yona seemed seconds away from being lynched by an assortment of her favourite classmates, someone needed to do something.
Someone with tact in reserve.
Someone with diplomacy skills.
Someone who doesn’t boob nearly every time they open their trap.
....
You see anyone like that hanging around here, be sure to let me know, ‘kay?
Author's Note
Reaching this point after such a long delay feels like climbing a mountain during winter without proper equipment, but I'm slowly getting there.
If there's one thing I've learned from this experience though, it's that I can't multitask to save my life: either all my attention has to be on finishing one story at a time, or I won't end up completing any at all.
So that's what I'm gonna try doing from now on: one project shall be my sole focus until completion, and they'll be no updates to anything else till I've finished with it. And yes, that includes one-shots.
Hopefully, this new outlook will help me in my goal of actually (gasp)
Let's see if it works, and thanks for your patience so far in sticking with this long-running saga.
My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 17: An Uncomfortable Reunion
At the risk of sounding like an old lady… ain't this a fine how-do-you-do!
Here’s Cozy Glow, by far my least favourite ungulate to ever clop their way onto the small screen…
About to be plucked, stuffed and turned into Christmas dinner... (sorry Yanks, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in merrie olde England)
And I was on the verge of actually jumping in the line of fire to defend her! Amazing.
Sure, stranger things have happened (just peruse the last sixteen chapters if you don’t believe me) but still, even I never saw this unexpected turn of events on the horizon.
This is coming from someone who’s been tested by at least half-a-dozen world-renowned child psychiatrists on account of his ‘febrile imagination’ (polite way of putting it), so you know it’s a major twist.
I had to spare a thought for poor Smoulder too, naturally. Standing there like a rabbit in the headlights, protecting her one-time enemy’s body from almost certain evisceration by her best buds… and not listening to a word the dragon said, because they thought she’d been brainwashed.
Does she regret our brief partnership now? I sincerely hope not. Usually, when my ‘real’ friends dump me, I can retreat into fantasyland to take the devastating feelings of rejection away...
But when said fandom responds by also giving me the ‘bum’s rush’... well, looks like it’s back to the booze I go. Glug glug . Sorry, liver.
What we really need right now is adult intervention , I reasoned, sneaking a peek at the static members of Twilight’s main crew. Well, they’re no help. They seem just as surprised and conflicted as me. And those guards are frickin’ useless, they’re just standing there following orders. I doubt they’d even blink if they weren’t given a command in advance. I guess it’s all up to me then, to belly-flop into the fray and break up proceedings. This shaggy bulk’s gotta be good for something, after all. Here goes nothing… and a-one! And a-two! And a-...
“Stop !!”
What the … to the accompaniment of a colourful flash, my countdown was interrupted by a single word echoing around the hallowed corridor of the school, silencing all conversation and ceasing all other activities immediately. All the stunned onlookers could do was stare in awe like slack-jawed yokels as Starlight Glimmer appeared on the scene via means of magical transportation.
Hey, have you tried getting a bus at this time? And the price of taxis these days! Outrageous .
Anyway, in the absence of any other responsible authority figure, she stood a thousand feet tall. Who’d have thought that at the start of season four? She’d even brought along some special guests, ponies that I knew well from just a day or so earlier, ones that I used to be very closely related to…
...Soon to be reclassified on the genus scale from ‘equine’ to ‘mincemeat’, as I hadn’t quite managed to fully halt my headlong rush before their arrival.
CRASH! BASH! WALLOP! “Ow…” “Ooh…”
“U-um, hi there Mr and Mrs Cozy Glow, sir and madam! Long time, no see!” I nervously greeted the moaning and groaning pair of pancaked pegasus parents underneath my folds of fat.
To be honest, it felt pretty comfy lying prostrate on them like that. If I had to spend another evening here, do you think they’d object awfully to being my makeshift mattress for the night?
Rolling her eyes in a very Twilight-esque manner, now it was Starlight’s turn to trot over and make introductions. “Nigel, I presume?”
What? How did she know? Especially as I don’t even look like mysel… wait. That’s been true ever since I washed up in these ‘parts. Touche.
“I can see by the look on your face that my assumption was correct. And by your actions, that everything I’ve heard about you is true, also.” Starlight said that last sentence in such a way that made me think that information wasn’t exactly complimentary. “Sandbar and the others, please leave Smoulder and Cozy Glow alone. More will be explained in a little while, but for now just know that if you hurt Cozy, you’ll be causing untold pain to one of your best friends. Finally, I have a private message for the ears of five other ponies in particular…”
Starlight then walked over to Applejack to whisper something in her ear, before Applejack told Rainbow Dash, who then repeated it to Fluttershy… before all of them were ‘up to speed’ on recent occurrences. The quintet seemed appropriately perplexed, but before I could get a stronger grasp of their demeanours they all made their way into Starlight’s room, with the unicorn counsellor herself being the last in to firmly shut the door behind her.
Obviously an impromptu meeting. About me. Which I won’t get to hear a word of. Grr, I hate it when people or ponies whisper about me behind my back… I stared at that closed office with annoyance, blissfully unaware of the poor creatures currently asphyxiating under my broad belly…
Or the gathering storm all around me.
“Er…” Ocellus kicked off the discussion in a very articulate manner.
“We….” Silver Stream followed on from where her changeling chum had left off.
“...Have questions.” The nominal leader Sandbar obviously had to have the last word, and if that left eyebrow was any higher it would be touching the stars by now.
“And we need to know the answers now .” Whoa, how did I forget about Gallus? Of course he’d have to be the one to cut through the crap and get to the point. Well played, Mr. Moody.
“W-Well.” I stuttered, wishing that Starlight hadn’t taken tips from her bestie Trixie to do a quick disappearing act. “Where do I start…”
“You can all ‘start’ by following me!” A path through the crowd was suddenly opened up by guards and other creatures making way, and who else could it be, but…
“Spike dude!!” Yes, those very words did just leave my lips. No, I am not ashamed of it. Spike has always been one of my favourite characters: the lovable little guy put upon by almost everyone who knows him, who never gets given proper credit for anything he does, abused, neglected, ignored…
Let’s just say I can relate, and leave it at that.
He didn’t seem too impressed by me, though. “Yes, I am ‘Spike’, but I don’t have a second name, let alone one as unique as ‘dude’. Anyway, Princess Twilight has just filled me in on what happened, and I am here to direct those most impacted to another room where everything will be explained…”
Bor-ing. I almost had to stifle a yawn there. I don’t need to be told what I know already. It’s action I need now to stop Cozy Glow’s tyranny, not more fine words! I hate exposition filler, dagnabbit…
“...And also inform you of news that some of you might not be aware of just yet.” As if in response to my audible disinterest, Spike pricked up my ears again with that tasty little titbit. “Now do hurry along, as time is short.”
...Not as short as you! I felt tempted to add, but this was neither the time nor the place for my usual brand of hilarity. Accompanied by the rest of the Young Six, (with Smoulder still clutching an out-of-sorts Yona/Cozy firmly to her chest) I began to follow them past everycreature else down the corridor…
Nearly leaving behind two very squashed pegasi in my wake.
“Oops, sorry ‘bout that whole ‘mashing you to a pulp’ thing. A-And pretending to be your daughter earlier, too. Tell you what… let’s let bygones be bygones. Fancy a ride?”
Author's Note
A pretty quick chapter, but one which will lead to much bigger things ahead I swear.
Anyway, isn't this great... two updates in two days? So unlike me. But don't worry, I haven't been taken over by any strange creatures from a fictional fantasy world!
...Or have I? Stares into the mirror anxiously ...
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My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly
Chapter 15: Close Encounters Of The Furred Kind
I’ve had so many close shaves since my touchdown in Tartarus, surely my luck has to run out at some point… and that pivotal moment could be now. My feverish brain dared me to open my eyes, but my frayed nerves refused to comply with the request. That thunderous racket must mean something bad. I can’t imagine a situation where an ominous noise like that could be positive, unless it’s a rogue spaceship smashing through the roof to take me back home. Help me Elon Musk, you’re my only hope.
Realising that as tempting as it might’ve been, kneeling there with my eyes closed forever was wholly impractical, I slowly opened them with the eager enthusiasm of someone about to undergo dangerous lab experiments…
All it took was the slightest chink of light for both peepers to fully unveil, not in shock but total surprise.
Smoulder was still there, seemingly about as stunned as I felt. So was a upright-sitting Yona, looking as sheepish (or ‘yakkish’) as I’ve ever seen her....
...And then there was the huge gaping hole in the ground, and multiple pieces of wood scattered everywhere. Pretty sure that was new, at least.
This somewhat destructive outcome was unexpected. Not to mention a major splinter hazard.
“Yona, what were you thinking?! Belly-flopping through the floorboards like that...” A clearly exasperated Smoulder put my feelings into words, indicating the fragmented remains of Twilight’s expensive paneling with a single claw. “Somecreature was bound to hear you! What was it I just said, about the importance of secrecy and most of all silence ?”
“Y-Yona sorry. S-She just heard Smoulder desperate to get into locked trapdoor and prove friend’s innocence, so she only want to help.” Yona looked about ready to burst into tears, and despite her glaring error I couldn’t help but feel like I’d just kicked a puppy. “Yona forget sometimes how loud she is. Other yaks never tell her ‘be quiet’ before coming here.”
“That may be so, but we have no more time to waste!” Smoulder moved with speed to clear away some of the loose debris lying about the area. “Come on you two, lend me your hooves so we can check around before the guards arrive. Which I would guess to be: any second now.”
Ulp . Smoulder’s stern warning there succeeded in breaking me from my temporary inertia, and without further hesitation I flew over to where the dragon frantically scrambled to shift the broken planks away…
...Coming face-to-face with a deadpan Yona whilst doing so.
“U-Um... Hi? How’s tricks?!” I greeted the staring yak with what I hoped was a genial expression, pairing it with a little wave which would hopefully break down the considerable barriers between us…
...Because if my peacemaking tactics didn’t work, and the yak was more convinced that this was an elaborate plot by Cozy to take over Equestria once more, she might just decide to break my face instead.
Holy shi… what the hay was I thinking? Did I have a death wish, suddenly popping up like that? Why didn’t I wait for Smoulder to properly introduce me? Now it’s probably gonna be an unplucked Mashed Cozy Glow for din-dins. My favourite. Not. “Aargh …”
As if to confirm my worst suspicions, Yona roughly grabbed me at that very moment in her strong hoofs, and it was with utmost certainty I expected to be pushing up daisies in the not-too-distant future.
I hadn’t even made out my last will and testament, either. Not that I actually have anything worth inheriting: when burglars broke into my shabby flat last year, nothing whatsoever was nicked and the cheeky sods even left behind a scrawled note saying ‘Is that it?’
Still, as penniless and destitute as I am, it’s the thought that counts, right?
But if my short time in this wacked-out world should’ve taught me anything, it’s that things aren’t always what they seem.
As I was about to find out, starting with what was supposedly a warm embrace. “Poor, poor Nigel. Stuck in nasty pony’s body. Yona will help anyway she can, and get other friends believing her too. You safe now, don’t worry about anything.”
Well, this is a turn-up for the books. Apparently, Smoulder has already handled the basic introductions, and done a much better job than I ever could. From beneath layers of thick yak fur I cast a rueful glance in the dragon’s direction, to which she only smirked before carrying on with her deconstruction duties. Only problem is, the biggest clear and present danger right now isn’t the cavalry arriving: it’s suffocation. “Gasp ! C-Can’t b-breathe...”
Finally clocking that her affectionate administrations were more harmful than helpful, the remorseful yak dropped me like a sack of spuds. “Yona apologise again. Same way she forget being quiet, she doesn’t know own strength either. ‘Must try harder to remember these things’, Counselor Starlight tell her. In fact, she make special list for Yona to follow…”
“Okay, enough messing around.” Not for the first time, Smoulder acted as the voice of urgency to the clownish antics surrounding her. “While you two were wrestling and not helping at all, I found something interesting. Tell me N.N, do you recognise these ?”
Attempting to make sure nothing was broken and straightening out my mussed plumage, I regarded Smoulder with a cynical eye, half-expecting to be disappointed yet again…
...Before my big mouth almost dropped to the floor. What was left of it, anyway.
“W-Wait. What you’re holding there. Could they be…?” I wanted to hope against hope, I really did. But after so many dead-ends and missed opportunities in my recent past, I planned to keep my exuberance in check for now.
“Yep. The very same things you told me got you stuck here in the first place. A long-dimensional wand, and a body-swap potion.” Smoulder held both artfacts up proudly, and my heart was just about to skip a beat.
“B-But, how do you know they’re the real thing?”
“Thank Headmare Twilight for that. She labels everything before putting it away, and always keeps valuable magical items in sets of two. In case she needs a spare for emergencies, I guess.” Smoulder shrugged her shoulders, whilst I began feeling as light as my feathers.
“Y-You mean, like the animals in Noah’s ark?!”
“What ? Don’t be weird again Nigel, please. The point is… there was only one left of each of these. And I’m pretty sure Twilight hasn’t used either recently herself. Which can only mean…”
“...We’ve got that freaky filly bang-to-rights! It’s a slam-dunk case! A complete acquittal! Now we can go straight to Twilight, show her the evidence, and get me on the next wormhole back to Earth! Oh, how can I ever thank you Smoulder? When nocreature else cared, you were there for me. While everypony else hunted me like a rabid dog, you stood loyally by my side. What can I do to repay the kindness…” I didn’t usually get this cringingly emotional (except whilst drunk-to-the-gills on cheap alcohol) but I’m sure you’ll agree, this was a special circumstance.
“Hey. What about Yona? She help too. She keep Headmare away from friends, and busted open trapdoor where Smoulder found important items.” Yona seemed most put out at being left out of my effusive praise, and she snorted indignantly to prove it.
“Yona!! You beautiful, beautiful bovine! I would kiss you, but a fine lady deserves better than the likes of Cozy. Maybe try Sandbar: I hear he might be interested. Wink wink .” In my jubilant state of mind, I couldn’t resist the obvious ship-tease. In more ways than one.
“Oh brother. Here we go again…” Smoulder rolled her eyes for about the umpteenth time I brought my particular brand of lunacy to Ponyville, as Yona blushed beet red and I began dancing with an invisible partner.
In fact, everything was so fine, dandy and gosh-darn perfect, the peril of our present predicament completely slipped all of our respective minds…
...Until it was far too late.
“Yona. Smoulder. Step away from the fugitive right now , and slowly walk over to me.”
Smoulder’s bemusement, Yona’s embarrassment and my wild celebrations were erased in an instant, as all three of us spun round as one to see a seething Twilight hovering over the ruins of her office with no less than ten… no, twenty… maybe, thirty guards backing her up.
Well, how was I supposed to count properly whilst shaking so much? Even without the troops, it would’ve been an impossible fight anyway.
“I don’t know what’s been going on here, but clearly it’s all Cozy’s doing.” Twilight carried on talking, even as me and my pair of ‘accomplices’ seemed frozen in time. “We’ll get to the bottom of everything eventually, for now though the prisoner will be returned to custody and your parents will have to be informed. Just look at the state of this place! I suppose you wrecked the library downstairs, too. Whatever could’ve possessed you to do something so… heartless ? My expertly-catalogued books, in complete disarray. Do you have any idea how long that took me?!”
I was paying attention to Twilight’s OCD-driven rant there, really I was.
But then, something amazing happened that opened up a whole new chapter in my zany misadventures.
You see, whilst Yona was filled with a deep sense of dishonour and shame at the thought of her folks back in Yakyakistan discovering her misbehaviour, Smoulder’s reaction was more one of outright terror.
Like, the sort of chills you’d get if someone dropped an ice lolly down your back. Whilst spending the night in a haunted house. With Shaggy nowhere to be found.
Did I mention you were Scooby-Doo in this random analogy? Probably not.
Anyway, who knows what horrors Mama and Papa Smoulder subjected her to reduce the usually self-assured dragon into a wobbly orange jelly?
I couldn’t tell you, but the intense fear was enough to make her drop something she held…
A puff of smoke and a blinding flash of light later, it was all over.
Suddenly, the room seemed that much smaller. “Huh? What happened now? Don’t tell me: more kooky stuff. Great . Do I win the jackpot yet?” I said these words in a different voice, but one that seemed oddly familiar.
“Yona. What’s the matter with you? You sound… different .” Twilight seemed to agree as she halted her lecture abruptly to show genuine concern for her hirsute student. But why was the alicorn looking... at me ?
Meanwhile, as a panicking pink filly began galloping around the room bumping into things, a mortified Smoulder stood closer, a smashed vial near her feet and guilt written all over her face.
“Whoops. My bad.”
Author's Note
So there you have it. A slight change in the dynamics of the story, and things really will never be the same again. Bwhaha.
Hope you enjoyed the latest update, and feel free to follow for a lot more crazy horseplay to come…
