An Epic Battle of Ultimate Destiny
One day, Garfield was playing squash with Rainbow Dash when Pinkie Pie walked in.
“Hello!” she said “Luna is now Nightmare Moon again!”
“Better kill her, then” said Garfield before growing giant and crushing Odie and John’s spaceship. He didn’t want to be returned home.
“I want Lasagna,” said Garfield after he returned to normal size.
He snapped his fingers and a trembling Fluttershy meekly brought him in his food. She was quite different from the hippie degenerate she once was. Government sanctioned torture will do that to you.
Nightmare Moon was terrorising the citizens of Ponyville by increasing taxes but Garfield simply ran her over in his time-travelling Delorean.
Unfortunately, Stalin had been resurrected and he was more powerful than Nightmare Moon thanks to his RED ARMY. They were impervious to physical damage because they were burnt by the sun (although at least they hadn’t been exposed that sequel known as the citadel). Twilight then just imploded them all with her magic.
“Dang,” said Stalin “my red army has been defeated”
Then he put Jesus in a headlock.
“That’ll teach you to sneak up on me!” said Stalin.
Jesus then kneed Josef in the groin and decapitated him.
“Wow, well that was over quickly,” said Garfield “time for some lasagna. Ay, Fluttershy! Where’s my FUCKIN’ lasagna?” Garfield asked.
“R-right here, sir,” she said while handing him a plate of delicious lasagna.
“This better not be that low-fat shit, bitch!” cried Garfield.
While Celestia cried over her dead sister, everyone else went to play volleyball.
Suddenly, while Garfield was wrecking some fillies at beach bowls while simultaneously destroying sandcastles, Bill Gates blocked his path.
“Had enough of abusing children, Garfield? Or need I remind everyone here that Garfield murdered his owner on top of everything else?” said Bill.
“Garfield is a war hero! How dare you besmirch his name!” cried Twilight.
“Prepare to die, evil-doer!” cried Garfield before switching into God-mode and launching a laser beam at Bill.
“Take a look at Fluttershy to see how Ponyville treats its REAL veterans!” said Bill, after having effortlessly blocked Garfield’s laser by smoking a cigarette.
“If you don’t make like Jodorowsky’s Dune and fade into nothing, I’ll wreck you so damn hard!” said Garfield.
“Ha!” said Bill “I’d like to see you try!”
Garfield unleashed his full power but Bill redirected it back at him. Rainbow tried to jump him but she was squished by Bill Gates’ force powers. Mike Woodroffe then sent an energy pulse Bill’s way but he died from exertion.
“And Jesus came and said to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.’” said Bill as he walked away, having proved his point.
“What a meanie!” said Applejack.
“I concur,” said the severely injured Rainbow Dash.
While watching Gnome Alone on Blu-Ray, Twilight was visited by the ghost of Spike, who had died from malnutrition.
"Why, Twilight?" cried Spike "How could you have allowed this to occur?"
"Shut up, Spike," said Twilight "I'm trying to watch Gnome Alone"
"If you resurrect me, I'll give you the criterion Blu-ray of Salò, or 120 Days of Sodom," said Spike.
"I'll consider it," said Twilight before then popping out to play some badminton with Garfield.
Garfield had lied. Instead, him and Twilight were to go go-karting together. And so, the epic race between Twilight Sparkle, Garfield and Daveed Diggs of the rap group clipping. began. Daveed screamed into the lead but Garfield whipped out an AK-47 and busted him.
"Not such an experimental and innovative artist now that you're DEAD, huh?" jived Garfield as he ran over Daveed's corpse.
Twilight then rammed Garfield from the side and overtook him. Garfield couldn't bust Twilight with his AK-47 because that may result in his privileged role assigned to him by Celestia being taken away. As such, he had to win through quasi-legitimate means. He went off-road and drove up a mountain so he could do a sick jump over the finish line. He then got out of the car, marched up to Twilight's go-kart and punched her out of the still moving vehicle.
"Don't you tell ANYBODY about this," he whispered into her ear.
That night, Twilight and company were attending a party with Lukas Cichos.
"I love these parties," said Cichos, before being immediately shot in the head by a sniper.
"Everybody get down!" screamed Pinkie Pie and everyone that could did but Rainbow Dash was paralyzed from the legs down and so had to be yanked from her wheelchair.
It turned out that the sniper was Garfield himself. He was still a hero, but he had become too much of a liability to be completely unrestricted anymore. He had to be imprisoned swiftly. Twilight used her magic to teleport him into the dungeons. She also used the leftover salted caramel ice cream to try to resurrect Lukas but it didn't work because his brain had exploded and you can't repair something that has been blown to smithereens to such a degree. That is, his brain had been reduced to such small chunks that there was no hope of the ice cream resurrecting him. He was given a respectful funeral.
"We know Lukas as many things," said Twilight while standing near Lukas' grave "goalkeeper, German, art critic and even friend. He was tragically shot to death by esteemed war hero Garfield. This is, by far, the worst thing Garfield has done. We tolerated Garfield's eccentricities for the most part, but shooting out dear friend Lukas was wrong. I still can't entirely process the fact that he's gone. I still look back on that night with guilt and fear. How could we have let Garfield get away with this? How?!"
Jon Arbuckle then stepped into the church.
"Jon!" cried Applejack and Twilight simultaneously.
"I thought you were dead!" sobbed Twilight, barely able to control herself after having already lost a dear friend and now seeing Jon for the first time in months.
"Hello, Twilight" said Jon, his t-shirt with the Indian mythological figure Bhadra on it with the words Pyynikki: Dixon Ryan Fox emblazoned below glimmering in the light shining down from the stained glass windows.
Twilight ran up to embrace him, her Dwarf Fortress onesie wet with tears of joy.
"How did you survive Garfield crushing your ship?" she said after a solid minute.
"Who said I did?" said Jon.
"Odie didn't make it," said Jon, clear anguish in his voice.
Pinkie Pie surveyed the scene in her Spec Ops: The Line pyjamas and Martin Burkert crocs.
"Damn, I sure do love these crocs based on Martin Burkert," she said "also I am sad"
Rainbow Dash watched silently on while wearing her William E. Robertson snuggie. Everyone prayed for Lukas' soul. He was dead for good. And the supply of salted caramel ice cream was running out.
If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you. -Proverbs 25:21-22
Twilight then resurrected Spike. Spike offered her the Blu-ray as promised, but she refused. Twilight hugged Spike and promised never to neglect him to the point of starvation again. They then had intercourse.
