The Final Countdown

by Songbird Serenade Thanos

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Violence, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1065

Garfield is imprisoned, Existential Dread is creeping up and Pinkie Pie reconsiders the value of art as a whole.

The final story in the DabVerse canon.

Garfield rebels against the Equestrian Government, Spike and Twilight announce their new relationship and a battle between what is true and what is permitted to be true occurs.

Published 2018-11-16 11:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-16 11:40:02 UTC

The Four Humours

Four of the mane 6 had now become hermits after the release of Garfield from his imprisonment. Twilight had become phlegm. Mature beyond her meagre years (with a hint of pretension to go along with it), cynical, an old lady in both physical (shaking even when it wasn't cold) and mental (her memory was fleeting and nostalgia clouded her mind). Rarity had transformed into black bile. Even more of a dead weight than Twilight, she was drowning in a sea of what wasn't. Fluttershy, too, had been metaphysically liquefied. Blood was what coursed around her veins which turned her into The Fool. She was a child and a consistent irritant to Rarity. She whined and yet whined only because she had certain expectations or, rather, hope. Rainbow Dash had joined the party as well. The cold winds had caused her to cough up all the blood she had in her body. In its place grew yellow bile which was stored in her gallbladder and had a fiery feel to it. They had ran for they feared Garfield's wrath and knew he would break out and kill them. Applejack and Rarity, on the other hand, didn't really care.

"What is art but a dictator who causes his slaves to make bread and circuses according to his whims? Other than dreadful, miserable politics, there is only art. I hate art. I hate myself," said Pinkie Pie.

One day, Twilight woke up to find her ROLEX stolen! She suddenly sprang back into her usual marketable-for-children self. Rarity then accidentally got impaled on a sharp toothbrush. Everybody was super sad. They then rushed back to Ponyville TO GET TWILIGHT'S ROLEX. Unfortunately, someone stood in their way. Rob!

"It is I, Rob Weir! I will yeet on anybody who screams like a severe autist whenever anything doesn't go their way!" said Rob.

Things weren't going Twilight's way so she screamed like a severe autist. Rob ran up and kicked Twilight in the shin. All the other ponies couldn't help her because they were distracted by his incredibly buff body. Holy shit was he buff. You had to be there. From out of the blue, Daveed Diggs roundhouse kicked Rob's head and then bashed his face in before shooting him several times to make sure.

"He was a cool guy," said Daveed "but yeeting on autists is wrong."

Twilight then realised it was Daveed who stole her rollie AND her bootleg clouties!

"How could you?!" cried Twilight.

"I just wanted to boost my clout levels," said Daveed.

Twilight wore her clout goggles proudly and after emitting a quick "Yuh" and "ESKETIT", buried her friend Rarity.

"You were a true fashion icon," said Twilight "I followed your drops more closely than I followed Supreme's."

"Hey, why isn't the text saying Supreme red like usual?" said Rainbow Dash.

"We're done with that gimmick," said Twilight before dabbing mournfully.

Meanwhile, Garfield escaped from prison. He had to traverse the moon's surface as the dungeons were in a strange place. Garfield became Mercury but rejected those material connotations. Garfield jumped to Venus, where he met Stretch the Rubber Chicken. And lo, Stretch said to him: "O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!". Garfield had intercourse with him and then jumped to the Sun where he met Thomas Aquinas and said to him:

"To be honest, only Locke and Hume came close to properly deconstructing your arguments."

Aquinas only said in return:

"Love is too young to know what conscience is."

Garfield, hero that he was, bombed Mars. He stole Jupiter's sceptre in a quick motion. Garfield then introduced the inhabitants of Saturn to lean and DXM. Garfield flew past the fixed stars of Faith, Hope and Love like it was nothing and found the exit door within the Primum Mobile.

Garfield then flew his Delorean to where the hermit members of the mane 6 were which he knew because he embedded a tracking device in Twilight's rollie. If only she wasn't so concerned with flexing.

"Don't you get it?!" cried Garfield from his Delorean turned helicopter (the delorean was a transformer the whole time) "You were a clone this whole time! The real Twilight is up there!"

Garfield pointed to the sun and Twilight knew that what he said was true. A tear rolled down her cheek.

"A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age," was the only thing she could say in response.

Garfield then opened a dimensional portal and left Ponyville.

"WHO WANTS TO GO BOWLING?" cried Fluttershy.

And they all did.

After having bowled a perfect game and wrecking the other ex-hermits, Rainbow Dash then got really drunk and slipped on a banana peel.

"No legacy is so rich as honesty," said Twilight as she mourned her lost friend. Then her head exploded. Rainbow and Fluttershy prayed that the Goddess Twilight would unexplode clone Twilight's head. And she did.

"Life's meaningfulness isn't defined by whether you are real or not. A life lived in a simulation is just as valid as a life lived in the 'real' world," said Twilight.

Applejack was pierced by a spear and hung from an ash tree for nine days and nine nights. After that period, she went to Taco Bell.

Twilight then ran for mayor but Filthy Rich was also running against her but Filthy Rich was rich so he didn't stand a chance.

"We need to cut taxes to help the poor!" said Filthy.

"He that is giddy thinks the world turns round," said Twilight.

Everyone voted for Twilight. Twilight then quit being mayor because she just didn't care. She then got high and played Mario Kart 64 all day.

"Why did you want to become mayor anyway?" asked Pinkie Pie "You're already an alicorn princess!"

Twilight didn't answer.

Pinkie Pie then set up an exhibition. The main work of art was a blank canvas with the words "NO MORE ART" crudely spray-painted onto it. Everybody understood. Applejack ate all the little sandwich thingies. Suddenly, existential dread came and everybody just wanted to play some Mario Kart 64.

Author's Note

This was going to be more serious but it evolved into something else. This is also my final story. I may pop up to answer comments and post in forums every now and then but other than that, it's goodbye from me!