Lovely Misadventures

by Caddy Finz

Rating: mature
Tags: Self Insert, Profanity, Non-consensual, Shining Armor, Violence, Slice of Life, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Other, Romance, Sex, Comedy
Length: 57291

I've been miserable for the longest time but it just so happens that I have a close friend in the Princess of Love. I'm also lucky enough to be the pawn in her latest game of matchmaker. Please help me.

Life is good. I've got a successful business, a nice home, lots of frie-er...loyal, hardworking employees. So, why am I so miserable? So bitter? Why am I so damn pissed off all the time, ready to lash out at anypony at anytime? I can slap a smile on my face for my customers and my employees but I can't help but feel completely alone in a whole town full of ponies. My first mistake? Venting to a certain friend of mine who has an obsession with turning single ponies into couples. The road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions but for her sake, I hope she knows what she's getting into. Grab some popcorn, because we're about to make a couple asses out of ourselves as she tries to set me up on dates with various mares.

Rated MATURE for strong language, some violence, explicit sexual content, and drug and alcohol use.

Cover made by my friend mix-up

Click the link below for my crappy, low budget youtube reading.

https://youtu.be/A7kxFZg7Sss

Published 2019-01-17 05:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-24 05:43:11 UTC

Me and my Big, Filthy Mouth

"See ya tomorrow, Caddy!" Derpy, one of my loyal employees beamed with a wave as I pulled my key out of the lock on the front door of my store.

"Hey, thanks for your help, as always!" I replied as I turned around, spread my wings and took off for home.

So, let me bring you up to speed here. My name is Caddy Finz and I've been living and running my Wagon and Cart parts business in Ponyville for a few years now. I do pretty well with it, the money's decent as I kinda hold a bit of a monopoly around here. I mean, I don't go around price gouging or anything, I just happen to be the first to open such a store around here. Before I opened The Caddy's Finz Parts Inc., ponies had to order their stuff from catalogs and wait weeks for it to be shipped to them. That's where I come in.

There's me, the store owner and manager and nine employees who work for me. I've got an assistant manager, my commercial parts specialist who is responsible for keeping tack of the accounts of our top customers. You know, keeps up on stuff they need for their own businesses, keeps them happy and ultimately, ensures they keep buying from us. I also have two part time shift supervisors, they've got keys to the place and open and close when my assistant and I aren't around. Aside from them, I also have two part time salesponies, three delivery ponies, two part time, one full. We're all more than just a store with its staff, I daresay we're almost a family.

I make it a point to be good to my workers. I pay them well, I don't work them to the bone, and I generally treat them well, all I ask them to do is their jobs. That's why I have very little turnover and haven't actually hired anypony in over a year. I lead by example and I have their backs when they need my support. The store runs smoothly, my employees are happy, my customers are happy and me? I'm actually downright miserable but of course I don't let them know that.

Though I make it a point to be good to them, I'm their boss, not their friend. They shouldn't know too much about my personal life and my own policy is to avoid fraternizing with them outside of work. I can't count how many invitations to go out for drinks and hang out with my work team that I've turned down and honestly, I kinda feel bad. They mean well by and and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like to drink. Oh, Celestia, do I love to fucking drink.

It was the same shit, different day, I closed up shop for the day at eight o'clock, fly or trot home and drink smoke until I passed out. Maybe masturbate if I was feeling more pent up than usual. Well, tonight, I remembered that I was out of those nice cigars I like so much so a quick stop at the shop was in order before going home. Just like I did every week, I filled a paper bag up with a couple dozen premium stogies, another with a couple bottles of whisky, paid the guy at the counter and flew out the door.

"See you next week, Caddy." The stallion behind the counter said with a friendly wave as I left in a hurry.

Even though I hang out with pretty much nopony, everypony in this town calls me by name and keeps on trying to get to know me personally. Though that's all well intended, I suppose, I really don't have the time, patience, nor desire to have somepony shoved up my ass every minute of every day...metaphorically speaking, of course. All I wanted to do now was to get home, get wasted, and make use of some of those porn mags I keep in various places in my house. Whoa, better wait until I get through my door to think about that, last thing I need is to be held up by getting a ticket for failure to conceal in public.

Call it fate, call it just my shitty fucking luck, call it whatever you want, for whatever cruel reason, I would indeed end up getting held back from my plans for tonight. With my saddlebags filled to the brim with my precious cargo, I flew a mere foot from the ground I was bogged down with the heavy load which was my first mistake. My second was hastily rounding a corner without any forethought that somepony could just be trotting around the other side of the building corner. Much to my dismay, there was.

"Guh!" Myself and another pony yelped as I slammed into them at full force, causing my glasses to fly off my face and my goodies out of my bags.

My heart sank as I heard the crashes of my bottles of liquor smashing against the cobblestone street right before me and the rustling of my packaged cigars hitting the ground in every direction was enough to send me into a fit. Without even thinking about what I was about to say, I sprang to my hooves, turned to the pony I bumped into and let my gatling gun of a foul mouth rip.

"What the fuck, you fucking dipshit moron, fucking inbred, hoof dragging, cum gargling asshole!!" I shouted at the pony whom was no more than a big, tall, pink blur to me in my blinded state.

Half expecting to get a hoof upside my face, if not from the pink one, then either, the slightly smaller purple one or the burley white one accompanying her, I pawed at the ground for my glasses as I spewed out even more venom.

"When I find my fucking glasses, you mouth breathing dickbag, fucking pussy pink looking, braindead bag of plums!" I continued. "I'll kick your ass you fucking white bread, white picket fence, fucking black and white tv show, golly gee saying, Howdy Doody fucking leave it to Beaver neighborhood soccer mom up a fucking mini van's ass!"

"No way!" The white stallion gasped as the three stood frozen to the spot and gawked at me. "That can't be him!"

"The Caddy I know would never say such things!" The purple mare gasped, nearly sounding as if on the verge of tears. Oh goodie, now look what I've done.

"Um, sir?" The tall, pink mare said meekly as she slowly stepped towards me. "Here."

If I wasn't already about to have a heart attack, my heart stopped in its tracks as the mare used her aura to slide my glasses back onto my snorting and fuming face thus revealing the identity of the trio. Standing before me were the ponies I had just said horrible, vile things to and were the only friends I ever had and the only ones who had spent much of their time to help me in my desperate time of need for friends. If any of my misdeeds would make me burn for all eternity when my own times comes, this was the big kahuna.

"It is him!" The white stallion who was my good friend Shining Armor gasped as he stared at me, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Caddy?" My friend Cadance, who was the pink mare all along said, the look on her face far from that of anger but more of deep concern. "That's not...you. What happened to you?"

"I...I..." Was the only thing I could squeeze out of my sorry mouth.

I was regretting this badly. First, I lose my shit when it was my fault in the first place and I ended up lashing out on good friends of mine, two of them I haven't seen in over a year. Twilight actually convinced me to ditch the old store in Canterlot and come start fresh in Ponyville, and I met Cadance through a radio show she hosted for a short time, the latter, I'll explain later. Shining Armor, I obviously met through Cadence shortly after, they're kind of a package deal. You know, being married and all.

"Caddy, um..." Twilight began once she could finally get over the shock. "Are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't get any words out, it was that bad.

"Of course he's not okay!" Shining Armor interjected, his eyes still wide. "He's not even himself! Dude, what's gotten into you?! I've never seen you act like this!"

Oh, then I guess you don't really know me then. Good. Sweet Celestia am I glad I didn't actually say that. Wow, I am a broken, sick fuck. I could do nothing but stand there as the three ponies I cursed at used their auras to gather up all the cigars that spilled out all over the streets and place them back into my bag for me. I don't get it. Shouldn't they be taking turns holding me down and beating my ass?

"Here are your...cigars." Cadance said after the last one was levitated back to me. "And wow, you uh...sure bought a lot of these."

"Guys, I...I'm so sorry about that." I finally managed to stutter. "I've just been stuck in a rut and I've just been all pissed off and..."

My first mistake was not turning tail and bolting away. My second was telling them about my problems. I never go around telling ponies about what's bugging me, they always stick around and try to do something about it. They mean well, but I don't have time for that shit.

"Why don't you trot with us and talk about it?" Twilight said as she held out a hoof.

Aw, shit.

"Look, guys, seriously, it's the least I can do." I reassured my friends whom I enjoyed a nice dinner with.

To call what happened back there "awkward" would be a grave understatement and of course I accepted their offer to take a trot with me which lead us to one of Ponyville's nicer restaurants. Obviously, I offered to pick up the tab too and after a bit of convincing, I was able to get them to accept. I owed it to them for what I said back there, I really did. I don't even get to see them often at all, so of course it hurts that much more, the more I think about those foul things that spewed from my throat. So far, the conversation was mostly full of "how are things" and "what have you been up to" but inevitably, those nasty curses I shouted for the whole town to hear would be brought up again. Once again, I owed them, at least an explanation.

"Well, let's just be glad Flurry Heart wasn't there to hear all that garbage." Shining Armor chuckled as he nudged me with an elbow to play off what happened. "Aside from that, it's good to see you again, Caddy."

"Likewise." I replied as I nervously fidgeted with my hooves. "I've really missed you guys, you know? How's the little princess doing anyway?"

"Oh, she's doing great!" Cadance beamed. "She's starting to use bigger words and she's really getting the hang of better controlling her magic. What have you been up to?"

"Uh, let's see, work, drinking, work, work, a little more work...uhh, yeah, that's about it."

Here it comes.

"Are you sleeping alright?"

"Sleep? What's that? Heheh, I can sleep when I'm dead."

"Any friends you've been hanging out with?"

"Ever get a chance to just trot around town and get to know the place?" Twilight asked. "Ever go out and meet your neighbors?"

"Nope, nein, and nyet." I replied after taking a sip of the beer I ordered. "I'm running my own business among a bunch of other stuff and time isn't exactly abundant for me."

"Pffft! Don't you think..." Shining Armor begen, clearly struggling to stifle laughter. "I mean, we're kinda running an empire up North, buddy. We still make time for friends."

I needed to get the hell out of there before I got roped into something I wanted no part of. I can't afford to have anything get in the way of my job which is pretty much a twenty-four/seven thing. Though I'm not making the mistake of opening my store with hours like that again, I'm always on the clock. I need to just pay the check and have us go our separate ways until next time. I know, I'm a horrible friend but I don't need ponies prying into my personal life, they always do that...especially fucking Pinkie Pie. After telling her to go fuck herself about a million times did she finally take the hint, but I digress.

"Can I get the check, please?" I called out to the nearest waitress with my hoof in the air.

After paying the tab and leaving a nice tip for the wait staff, myself and my three royal friends trotted out the door where I hoped to part ways with them from there. Hey, I may be a prick, but I work in customer service too and I always make it a point to be a good customer when I'm on the other side of the counter.

"Well hey, it's been real, you guys." I said with a yawn as I trotted towards home. "I'm glad we could all hang out. Sorry again about cussing you out and comparing you to the stereotypical middle aged, suburban housewife."

"Oh, I think we'll get over it eventually." Cadance said jokingly with a dismissive wave of a hoof. "And don't worry, I've already promised Shining that I will never be anything like that!"

"Thanks for buying us dinner, Caddy!" Twilight called over with a friendly wave.

"See you again soon, alright, pal?" Shining called over as what I like to call my "tailfinz" faded away from them in the distance.

Yeah yeah, I know I'm an asshole, but is it too much to ask to be left alone? I just wanna go home, get shitfaced, smoke some cigars, and pass out before before I go to work the next morning. I was relieved as I was finally on my way to do just that. I live on a rural route on the outskirts of town in a nice two bedroom, single story house, about a mile down past Sweet Apple Acres. Perfect for a single guy like myself who likes dealing with others only when I have to.

With a stomach full of food, a saddle bag full of my treasures strapped to my back, and a key in my teeth, I unlocked my door, heaved myself and my load of goodies through the door and wasted no time removing the bottles. With the bottle tipped back, I trotted into the living room and dropped a small hoof full of food flakes into my fish tank. It was when my attention went back to the bottle in my grasp that I started getting a bit confused, and I was still stone cold sober.

"Where the fuck'd my whiskey go!?" I squeaked in an embarrassingly high pitched squeal as I shook the now empty bottle blindly tossed it behind my back.

After cleaning up the shattered glass, I lit a cigarette as I wanted to save my cigars for later tonight and made a beeline for the fridge where I hastily grabbed one of the many beers within, cracked the can open and downed it. Thinking it odd that the contents of the can were gone so quickly, I reopened the door and reached in for another. It was when a sudden and unwelcome knock on my door nearly made me stomp a hole through my floor.

"Ugh, goddamnit!" I huffed as I downed another much needed beer and then made my way to the door, where I would promptly tell whomever was there to go fuck themselves.

I really wasn't in the mood for a visitor. Well, I never am, and I was about to make that known loud and clear. I had already dealt with over a hundred customers, my work staff and three friends, I think that's more than enough interacting with my own kind for one day...or lifetime for that matter. With a big scowl behind my glasses and my teeth barred and nearly severing the cigarette stuck between them, I yanked my door open, expecting to tell somepony they had three seconds to turn tail and run to instead be greeted by the last pony I should be cussing out.

"Cadance?" I gasped. "What are you doing here?...and what's all that shit?"

"Hi, Caddy!" My royal pink friend beamed with a big smile as she trotted in with about half a dozen suitcases in tow within her aura. This can't be good. "So, look, Twilight, Shining and I did some talking and we all agreed that you could use a friend around to help you."

"With what!?"

"Well, your depression, short temper, possible drinking problem, over all loneliness, chronic hatred towards your fellow equine...need I say more?"

She then began unpacking her suitcases and set up some bedding on my sofa like she thought she was going to stay here. This must have been some kind of gag, there's no way a Princess has the time to waste on a degenerate sleazeball like Cadillac Taille Finz. Yes, that is my full name.

"Pfft! Heheheh, yeah, bull shit!" I said with a laugh. "Good one, Cadance! You almost had me for a minute there!"

"What's really funny is how you think I'm joking!" Cadance giggled as she opened another case and began rummaging through a bunch of shampoos, bath bombs and other various bath products. "Caddy, you haven't been yourself and your good old self is a sweet, kindhearted, fun to be around guy whose well in touch with his feminine side. I've talked to others around Ponyville and not a one of them had a good word to say about your behavior over the past year or so."

"That so?"

Cadance's tone quickly changed for the worse and her brow furrowed before she began voicing her concerns.

"Last week, you told a mare that you hope her offspring end up stillborn." She deadpanned.

I lit up another cigarette and took a seat on the couch.

"She asked me how my day was going." I said with a shrug.

"Ohhh, how dare she." Cadance said, with sarcasm thick enough to cut with a knife and barely fit into a toaster before having to pull it back out and slice it again. "Caddy, seriously, that's not who you are! What happened to the sensitive guy who used to call that radio show I got fired from!?"

"He gave up and died."

I then cracked another beer and started to chug it, polished it off, grabbed another and cracked it open. Cadance then took a seat on the other side of my sofa next to me and gently placed a comforting hoof on my shoulder.

"Caddy, please hear me out." Cadance nearly pleaded. Wow, this must be serious for a Princess to sound like that. "You're our friend and we care about you. So whether you like it or not, I'm going to help you with your depression and help get you out mingling with your fellow equine like our species was meant to do! You'll be much happier after we spend some time and effort on that!"

"Not like I have a choice here, huh?"

"Nope."

"Well, fuck it. As long as I have you as a guest, you want a beer?"

It's customary to offer a guest a drink, right? I wouldn't know, I've never had one. Cadance raised her hoof as if she was about to wave off the offer until she paused for a moment.

"I...You know what? Yeah, I'll have one." Cadance accepted as she used her aura to open my fridge in the other room and levitated a few cans over to the both of us. "It's been a while. How many have you had already, by the way?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Since when do you swear so much?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Caddy!!"

"Ah, sorry, sorry, jeez!"

I was hoping that I could get her to leave but at that point, I knew it wasn't happening. I really gotta stop being a prick to her, she's one of my only friends. I haven't got the heart to keep trying to get her out of here, she only wants to help. Well, she's got an extended vacation and if she wants to waste it trying to make me less miserable, then Celestia bless her. She was here to figure out what my damage is and I may as well just tell her at this point. About another fifteen beers for me later and another two for my royal guest, my mild buzz started coming in and when that happens, I find it easier to share certain information that I normally wouldn't.

"See back when she finally ended it, I guess something just kinda...snapped." I sighed as I lay on my sofa while Cadence sat across from me in my easy chair. "She's the one I was talking about when I called your radio show before Twilight and I burned my first store down."

"You did that on purpose!?"

"We got away with it, didn't we? Now, I've been over her for like ever but I guess I never really got out of my funk, you know? I mean...I'm just so pissed off and I don't know why. I pass out at night, pissed off. I wake up in the morning, pissed off. I go throughout my day, pissed off."

My saying all of this stuff was turning out to be quite the wake up call. While Cadance played therapist and took notes on a clipboard, I got up from my sofa and started to pace back and forth as I puffed on a stogie. What was left of my heart began to sink as I looked back at the guy I once was and compared that to the scumbag I've become.

"What is wrong with me?" I asked, fully understanding that I indeed had some rather serious issues.

"I think I've got an idea, Caddy." Cadence said, her tone warm and assuring. "And I think I know what I can do to help you."

"So I'm not too far gone? I can actually be helped?"

"Of course, Caddy! You're my friend and I'm not going to abandon you!"

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"Dates!"

Oh no. The Princess of love is gonna start playing matchmaker again. Sure I could use the help but not this kinda help. I gave up on that years ago when my last relationship ended. Oh fuck, what have I gotten myself into? Well, like it or not, she's not somepony I can easily say no to. Maybe this won't be so shitty. I haven't dated in years, fuck it, what do I have to lose by just giving it a try?

"Okay, what'd you have in mind?" I sighed in defeat.

"Caddy, I promise you won't regret this!" Cadance Beamed as she sprang up from her seat and hugged me. "Getting out there and spending time with other ponies will do wonders for you!"

"If you say so. Okay, where do we start?"

Author's Note

Being my Ponysona, Caddy Finz is obviously based on me and the miserable bastard I once was. I know, I was a real asshole, right? Well, this first chapter accurately depicts me before I time where I finally realized that life is good and my fellow human beings are my friends. Judge me if you wish, but I am not the same person I once was and never will be again. I have achieved happiness.

Caddy-Jacked: Part One

Well, I reluctantly agreed to let Cadance help me pull my shit together by spending some time with me to ultimately find myself a date. It's been years since I've been on a date and even longer since I've been laid, and Celestia knows I sure wouldn't mind some flank now that I think about it. Hell, I've got the Princess of Love helping me along, what do I have to lose?

There are tons of cute, single mares around my age in Ponyville so I have to assume that it won't be difficult to set me up with one in the first place. Obviously though, if we want anything to work out worth a damn, it has to be the right one. One that can actually stand my very existence, let alone my mere presence...okay, that's pretty much everypony in town for whatever reason but I can't just throw myself at any chick and ask them to shag. I may be a sleazy bastard but I have standards.

First things first though. After spending the night better getting to know my royal friend, and getting a good three hours of sleep, I would get up the next morning and get ready for my typical day where I didn't have to stay long at my store but instead would run errands around town. It was still work as it involved my company. After chugging five pots of coffee to get me started, I fitted myself with a small saddlebag, grabbed my briefcase, locked the front door behind us and took flight. It felt different having somepony flying next to me. It wasn't terrible, I just wasn't used to that as anypony who has hovered next to me, whether intentional or not, would end up being quickly outpaced by me as a hint that I was having none of it. Most have taken the hint, but some have had to be told which orifice their wings would be shoved up if they didn't back off. I don't need somepony nicking my wallet and I wouldn't put it past anypony to try it.

In case you haven't already noticed a long time ago, I have my fair share of issues, one of them being that I trust anypony around me about as far as I could throw them. When approached by some random mook, I assume they must have bad intentions. I mean really, who the fuck just comes up and talks to somepony unless they want something? Ah, I digress, where was I? Oh yeah. One of the very few ponies I let anywhere near me were just gonna go through my average day and discuss our plan to help me open up to others while we were at it. Part of me thought she also just wanted to observe my behavior and find out what made me tick. I pity her.

Our first stop of the day was the hayburger stand that I grabbed breakfast at every morning. It was always quick, easy and the clerk and I even came up with a neat little system that had become routine at exactly ten after eight. Maintaining my steady pace, I reached into my saddlebag for five bits which I then simply dropped down to the stand below. No sooner, three neatly boxed hay burgers flew up into the air for me to catch and gulp down one by one. Hey, I'm in a hurry, okay? I've got shit to do and time is money.

After I had eaten my sandwiched blobs of fried cholesterol, I lit up a cigarette and made my way to my next stop, my pink Princess friend in tow. Through my peripheral vision, I could see her cocking an eyebrow at me, so yeah, I guess I could have been less of a slob about it. Somepony's always looking, whether I like it or not. Screw it, I've got a delivery to make and my destination was right below me. Ponyville's post office.

After grounding myself, I trotted inside and produced from my saddlebag a parcel that was ordered from my by a customer all the way over in Canterlot. A custom ordered box full of wheel spokes was needing to be shipped and my loyal employee Derpy was the one for the job. Yeah, she works two jobs, lots of ponies do. Now with that scratched off the list, Cadence and I flew the other way with Sweet Apple Acres as our next stop.

Like I mentioned earlier, I have a special department in my company that's responsible for my commercial customers. Ponies who run a business which involves a substantial amount of wagon and cart use, or ponies with a fleet and so on. Farms are a good example, and the Apple family's Sweet Apple Acres is my highest spending customer. As such, I cut them some good deals and special discounts on the parts and tools they purchase from me. Right now, I'm on my way to deliver to them my latest sales flier which I think they'll be particularly interested in as this week, tubes of bearing grease are half price and they go through a lot of it. It'll be an easy sell and rake in a nice profit.

Cadance and I made our way towards our next destination and what I consider my gold mine, a lit cigarette in my teeth leaving a smoke trail the whole way. She hasn't mentioned my smoking habit yet today but I can tell that she's really aching to do so. It's not often that I have somepony around who genuinely cares about me the way she does, so later, when she tries to bring it up, I'll refrain from being a dick to her about it.

"So, how many stops do you have on your list today, Caddy?" Cadance asked me as she flew by my side.

"Precisely seventeen." I replied. "I have several of my top customers to visit, some pick-ups and drop-offs to make, orders to take, gotta make a beer run, and a quick stop at my store to check on my staff and grab some parts for this project I'm working on in my garage."

"Wow. That's even busier than any of my days! Are you holding up okay while doing all of that?"

"Just fine, Cadance. We're almost there now. We can stay a few extra minutes if you wanna catch up with Applejack, but I'm just stopping by to drop off a sales flier and take some orders."

"I get that you're busy but it wouldn't hurt for you to stay and visit with her too. I think if you actually spent a minute getting to know her personally for more than just business reasons, you could make a friend that way!"

"What!? Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a minute!"

"What?"

"I can't be friends with my customers! Especially the ones who spend the most money with my business! That can compromise the strictly professional relationship between my business and theirs!"

I had a bad feeling about the look she was giving me. She glared daggers at me the rest of the way to Sweet Apple Acres and only changed her expression once we grounded ourselves and trotted over towards the mare herself. Applejack was always friendly and welcoming every time I showed up to deliver something, take an order or what have you and today was no different. Like always, I slapped the good old sleazy salespony grin on my face and trotted over to greet my best customer. She seemed especially pleasantly surprised by Cadance's presence too. Who knows, maybe that'll put her in even more of a buying mood. God, I'm such a fucking scumbag.

"Howdy, Caddy!" Applejack beamed as she and I both extended our hooves for a shake.

"Applejack, how's my favorite customer?" I asked as I laid the bullshit on as thick as bugs on a bumper.

"Yeah, how's our friend doing?" Cadance asked, making it clear that she wanted me to start something up with Applejack. Not fucking happening.

"Got nutin' to complain about." Applejack continued, her tone and expression as friendly and bubbly as ever. Not gonna lie, she's a cute girl but no more than a customer to me as long as I can help it. "There's plenty of rain this time of year, so ain't a tree on this farm without at least a bushel of fruit in it."

"Glad to hear that, Jackie!" I beamed. I came up with that nickname for her to build a good rapport with her and it kinda just stuck. "How's the equipment holding up?"

"Sheeoot, we're puttin' our carts to work somethin' fierce! Probably gonna need more of that bearing grease if'n ya could put me down fer some more."

"Well, it just so happens that it's half price this month!" I then hoofed over a small booklet full of special deals and pricing specials over to her. "Not only that, but tread bolts for wagon wheels are twenty percent off for a pack of forty, which is enough for all four wheels on a wagon! Installing them will keep them from slipping in the mud during this rainy season!"

"Ah like it! Put me down fer twenty cases of grease tubes and three wagons worth of them bolts!"

I nearly shit myself when she said that. This was the biggest sale I've made to the Apple family yet but I had to keep my composure. I need to hide the fact that I'm only excited about the money I'll be bringing in, quite honestly I don't give fuck all about Granny's operation or Applebloom's report card, or whatever else they feel like talking about. As long as their business does well, I do well and that's all that matters.

"Excellent!" I beamed with a shit eating grin on my face as I opened my briefcase to prepare the paper work. "I'll just have you fill out this form real quick and I can get your order ready and shipped to my store within the week!"

"Sounds good, pardner!" Applejack replied with a smile. "Oh! By the way, since yer here, Cadance, we gotta catch up! I ain't seen ya in ages!"

"We'd love to! We have plenty of time!" Cadance interjected before I had a chance to object.

"Ah'll be right back then! We can chat over coffee and fritters!"

Applejack then hastily retreated back to the farmhouse to retrieve drinks and snacks for all of us to share, leaving me to give Cadance the same look she gave me on our way over here. Look, I love her to no end but Cadance really pissed me off and that smug smirk on her face wasn't helping my blood pressure one bit. On another note, what kind of twenty-seven year old has blood pressure problems? I blame everypony else around me.

"I told you I had other places to be." I whispered through my teeth to Cadance who's smug smirk turned into a bemused frown.

"And I told you that you have friends to make." Cadance whispered as she leered at me.

"Why are you so dead set on me making friends? Can't I just do go throughout my day and just do my job?"

"Because you're miserable and you weren't always like this!"

"Hope ya'll like hazelnut!" Applejack beamed as she trotted over with a pot of coffee and a plate of fritters, and started setting them on a picnic table nearby.

"Can't you just let me live my life the way I want to?" I was about to start begging.

"Is this really how you want to live? As a miserable, drunken grouch who everypony around town only knows as that jerk who chases off anypony who tries to get close to him?"

"I don't like ponies!"

It took me a moment to realize it but by saying that, I had struck a nerve with Cadance. I haven't seen her this angry since her wedding got fucked up a few years back and had to be rescheduled. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen her so angry. I was genuinly worried now, the look she was giving me was the look of death. I could almost hear her teeth cracking as she clenched her jaw. Despite it being one hundred percent true, I was now really wishing I hadn't said that, and would really regretting it in just a moment.

Before I could even think of starting to sweat, Cadance's aura enveloped me and no sooner, the pissed off Princess started to carry me right over to Applejack whom was setting the snacks and drinks down on the picnic table. Once we reached an oblivious Applejack, Cadance rudely plopped me down on the ground behind the farm girl and did the unthinkable. Just when I thought things had gotten as worse as they could get, Cadance raised a hoof and firmly brought it down on Applejack's ass just before teleporting to the other side of the table. Now with the sneaky Princess standing in another spot, she made it look like it was me who smacked Applejack on the flank. And I thought I was a scumbag. Well, scumbag or not, Cadance just cost me my best customer and probably a restraining order to boot. Fucking bitch.

"What the...Caddy!" Applejack gasped as she turned around to see me, the only one standing behind her.

"Applejack!" I gasped in horror, my ears folded back and my mane standing on end. "I swear it wasn't me! I, I, I don't know why but Cadance just hmmff!"

Instead of a firm punch to the schnozz like I was expecting and probably still deserved anyway, Applejack did put her hoof my my face but only with enough force to keep my lips shut. My eyes were like saucers and I could feel my pupils shrink to pinpricks as she held a hoof on my lips and stared at me, her shocked expression turning into something else. To my surprise and most likely to the end of what little was left of my sanity, here eyelids shut halfway and her own lips curled into a smile. Not the kind of smile she graces me with when I show up to sell her something, far from it in fact. I could understand it myself even. The look she gave me was the same look I had on my own face when I opened a package I ordered from GoodGator, a sex toy catalogue. No, it wasn't something I stick into myself, I stick myself into it. Now back to that smile she was giving me. A devious smile is what it was.

Look, here's another thing about me. I have a mild form or autism and for most of my life, it's been a real bitch for me to read other ponies and pick up on social cues but even at my worst I could tell what she was trying to say with that look. Her half lidded eyes, one eyebrow cocked a little higher than the other, the sideways smirk, her hoof over my mouth and her slowly inching her face towards mine. The look she gave me screamed "I want to fuck you like an animal."

"Caddy?" Applejack said softly as she removed her hoof from my lips. "If'n ya wanted to have some fun, y'all shoulda just said so."

Caddy-Jacked: Part Two

"I thought you were the Princess of Love, not cheap one night stands!" I barked as the mare herself fixed my collar before spritzing me with my favorite cologne.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked, slightly offended that I would dare imply that she was simply about to get me laid. "Hold still, I need to get this straight."

"Did you not see the look in her eye? Didn't you hear her say how she was gonna 'fucking pound the ever loving shit' out of me? I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not going over there to wine and dine with her."

"Okay, point taken, but given how high strung and pissed off you are, you could stand to have sex with a trusted friend.
Hey, don't button it up all the way, you'll look like a tight wad!"

"For the last fucking time, she's a business client of mine!"

"Well she's about to be a lot more than that soon. Now come on, we're gonna be late and I'm sure you don't wanna disappoint her."

After the incident at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack talked me into meeting her back there after the workday was over. She and I agreed on seven o'clock so we could catch our breaths and get a chance to shower and clean ourselves up. I managed to get everything on my list done and out of the way with a little bit of help from Cadence, and within a few minutes from now, I'd be having sex for the first time in a very long time.

I've always ended up screwed over afterwards, which is why I gave up on it so long ago. I threw my virginity in the garbage when I was eighteen to some slut I met who kept promising me that we would become an item. After we fucked, I never heard from her again. Five years later, when I was twenty three, I started hanging out with this girl about my age. Single mom, wasn't really worried about that. Husband was in jail at the time. That didn't stop me either, the dude even thanked me for keeping her company when he got out. She kept telling me that she was leaving him but no such luck. I quit hearing from her pretty quick.

So that's me. Caddy Finz, the guy who was nothing more than a throbbing rod to a couple of sluts who wanted nothing to do with me afterwards. Fast forward to today, here I am flying back to Sweet Apple Acres with Cadence by my side to make sure I don't turn tail and run back home. I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous and, perhaps a little excited at the same time. Nervoucited, is what that insufferable Pinkie Pie calls it.

The closer we got to the orchard, the more nervous and anxious I became. Every possible bad scenario played through my mind. It's been years since I've done this and only twice in my life to boot. What if I'm no good? A mare wants a guy to get them off and both times, I sucked at it. I don't think I can go through with this! I can't do this! I just can't!

"Okay, Caddy, listen up!" Cadence spoke up as we grounded ourselves and trotted towards the farm house. "You've got this! You're a young buck in your prime! You're gonna go in there and satisfy a pent up farm girl and yourself! And after that, you'll have a new friend. Who knows? Maybe she'll love it so much, she'll want you to bang her more often. You could actually get yourself a steady stream of sex for the first time in your life!"

"I can't fucking believe I let you talk me into this."

"Okay look, I really don't want to be an enabler and support your concerning drinking habit but if it'll help you calm down, take this."

Before sending me to whore myself out, Cadence produced a bottle of whiskey into existence with her alicorn magic and proceeded to uncap it and shove it into my gob. With some much needed liquid encouragement sloshing down my gullet, I really did begin to feel much more relaxed. Wow, if this is the only thing that can calm me down, I really do have a problem. Fuck it, we can ignore it later. Right now, I've got some work to do. Who would have thought customer service could involve whipping out my dick?

"Alright, Cadence." I said as I puffed out and ruffled up the fluff on my chest. "I'm about to go make confidence my bitch."

"There you go! Here, one last thing. Take this condom. I've enchanted it so you'll be better able to get her off! I know you're a novice now, but she'll be begging for more later on! Now get in there!"

With a confident posture and some swag in my strut, I trotted over to the door and wasted no time giving it a firm knock. I didn't have to wait so much as ten seconds before I heard heavy set of hooves attached to some powerful legs thumping towards the door. She must be excited too but she's probably trying to hide it now because I know she's on the other side of the door but she's pausing. I couldn't hear anything beyond that but after about another thirty seconds, the door slowly creaked open.

I've never seen Applejack like this before, and to see her with her hair down was actually kinda cute. Oh, fuck it, she was smoking hot. Any other time I've seen her, she was working or just getting done with her work but she clearly just finished brushing her coat moments ago. Her tail was no longer tied up with that red ribbon it usually has on it and that had obviously been brushed too.

The sweet smell of her perfume was enough to put me even more at ease, not only because of how spellbindingly fragrant it was, but the fact that she was wearing it meant that she wanted to impress me as much as I her. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. To see her and smell her like this made me see her in a whole new light. A whole other side of her that meant just like me, she too was a fellow equine with a life outside of work and bodily urges that she and I would soon fulfill. I think this could end up being the start of something wonderful, the more I look at her.

"Come on in." Applejack said softly, her intentions clear as day in her tone. "Glad ya showed up, hon."

"Heheh, why wouldn't I?" I asked, with confidence and poise as I trotted through the door. Hey, this ought to be easy! I just gotta use the same confidence I use when I'm here to sell!

"Ya know, Ah always thought you were an alright guy but Ah figured ya didn't wanna get involved with anypony outside yer job." She takes me by the hoof and leads me up the stairs. "I was mighty surprised when ya smacked mah flank earlier. Ain't gonna say Ah didn't like it. Boy howdy did that give me a rush."

"Hoho, if that was enough to give you a rush, then just wait until we get to your bedroom."

If I can just maintain this relaxed confidence, I think I can make this work. Applejack finally lead me to her room and pushed the door open and stepped in ahead of my, her tail raised high and proud, giving me a nice view of what I was about to get. Ooohohoho, fuck me, I'm about to get in on some of that flank. That firm, toned flank chiseled by years of hard, back breaking labor on the farm. I can already feel myself slipping out of my sheath.

It doesn't take much to get me started and get the blood flowing into my stallionhood. It was when she laid down on the bed and looked over at me like I was the tastiest apple pie she'd ever laid eyes on that my dick started to come out. I hesitated for a moment until she patted the bed next to herself that I strutted on over and laid down next to her. What she did next was something entirely new to me and though it was something very simple, I really enjoyed it.

As soon as I laid down on the bed next to Applejack, she just grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me right up to her. It felt awkward at first and if anything, made me a bit anxious but as she and I looked at each other, our muzzles right up on each other's, I really began to assess my position. To feel the warmth of another body against mine felt incredible. It was something I've never felt before as both the other girls I got with just hopped out of bed and said "see ya" the second we were done.

This felt really nice. At this point, I don't care if we don't do anything more than cuddle like this, it was so nice. At first, it was making me nervous, but once I just kinda loosened up and got the feel for her body against mine, I felt so much more relaxed. Like she was supposed to be there and...being pushed away from me all of a sudden? What gives?

It wasn't she, nor I who was now pulling or rather pushing us apart as much as it was my own throbbing member coming between us and snaking its way upward as it became rock hard. She and I both let out a good, hearty laugh at the irony. Jeez, you'd think the last thing a part of my body that wants so badly to get inside this mare would want to increase the distance between us.

So here we are, just laying here. She can't seem to keep her eyes off my cock, which is kinda confusing. I'll let you on on a little secret. I'm not big, but I'm not tiny either. I am completely and totally, the very definition of the word average. Dicks like mine are a dime a dozen. It's nothing to brag about but at the same time, nothing to laugh at. It's nothing special but if I put it to good use, it'll get the job done.

She seems oddly impressed for some reason. Surely a strong farm gal like her would need some heavy duty equipment to satisfy her. Maybe that's why Cadance gave me this magically charged condom, she knows way too much about me. Oh shit, what am I doing just laying here thinking about shit!? I need to get this started and get my body moving before I put Applejack to sleep! Well, I can't just stick my dick in her without working up to it first. Our muzzles are together right now, perfect time to start kissing.

Out of nowhere, I just went for it. I went for broke and brought my lips to hers and in no time, our tongues were wrestling one another. This was also new to me, the other mares I was with just laid there while I sucked their face, didn't even so much as move their lips. It was like making out with a corpse back then and now, I had a girl who I'd spent time getting to know putting in the same effort that I was. She was obviously a lot better than me as I had little to no experience but I quickly got the hang of it.

I like this! I like it a lot! We both let out soft moans as we went from sweet, gentle kisses to full on make outs with our tongues flying all over the place. Now that I've got her attention up here, I'll try to get a hold of some down there. As I gradually moved downward and planted kisses on her cheeks, chin, and down to her neck, my free hoof made its way down to her marehood. Both our eyes were closed but I knew I reached my target when she suddenly broke the kiss and let out a gasp. Yes. I've got her right where I want her and she's loving every second of it.

I continued planting kisses on her neck as I rubbed her nether regions with my forehoof. I must have been doing a good job, as she no longer seemed able to focus on kissing me, her moaning and gasping growing louder and more passionate with every stroke of my hoof. Yes, she likes it. She's getting wet and she's wrapping her arms around me and pulling me even tighter against her body. As far as I'm concerned, a mare's vagina is like the perfect internal combustion engine; self lubricating, changes its own oil and I'm able to get her started with just one hoof. I know engines, I built my first one when I was six.

Speaking of lubrication, I think I've got her warmed up. Now it's time for me to get to work. Not only is my performance bound to play a factor in our relationship, it could affect my reputation in this little town. Ponies occasionally talk to each other for whatever reason. Okay, steady now. Just gonna use my wing to push myself up off of my side and on top of her while I keep kissing her neck. Oh, gotta get that condom ready, we're not doing anything without that. Now if I could jus-woah!

Without any warning, she just wrapped her forelegs around me, flipped me over and landed on top of me! Ohh, she must wanna play cowgirl. Hey, I'm not complaining, she can ride me all she wants. Okay, I'll let her grind on me for a bit and show her why ladies call me the land yacht...okay, they totally don't call me that but I can dream, alright? Now let's just get back to me and Applejack, I'm really digging that sexy look in her eyes and I want in on it. Before she goes any further though, better slip this rubber on and...there we go.

"Ah'm mighty glad ya came back tonight, Caddy." Applejack said, the tone in her voice making me harder still. "Ah always thought ya were a swell fella, 'n it really got me goin' when ya gave mah butt a swattin' earlier. Heheh...Ah've been thinkin' 'bout this allllll day."

"Keep talking, sweetheart, that drawl of yours is putting me in a mood like you wouldn't fucking believe." I cooed with the best sultry tone I could muster as Applejack positioned herself over me and slowly sunk down on my dick.

Ooh, she's a heavy one. Well, what the fuck'd I expect, she's all muscle. Not gonna lie, kinda turns me on. I mean, I guess we're kinda past the point of plain superficial arousal, she's grinding on my dick as I speak. Ooh, hot damn, she's tight! Again, the muscular physique probably has something to do with it. Ahh yeah, I'm liking this. I'm just gonna lay back, fold my arms behind my head and relax while this sexy thing rides me like the pony I am.

"Come on, hon, you're not gonna hurt me, I can take it." I purred as my new friend continued to fuck me and steadily pick up the pace.

Oh my god, I can't believe I'm really doing this! I haven't been laid in years and I have my dick inside a mare right fucking now! Yes! Ohhohohoho, thank you Cadance! Oh man, if you and Shining Armor had an open relationship I'd-ow! What the-ooh! Jeez, girl, ease up a bit!

"Yeahhh, keep it up, girl." I said, knowing that she was getting a bit rough for my light, pegasus frame.

Shit, she's making me her bitch right now! I didn't think she'd be to rough. Gahh, I gotta quit being a pussy. I'm not about to let her know that she's actually inflicting some mild pain on me right now. She's got her rock hard forehooves firmly pressed into my chest and the marks she's leaving will probably be permanent. No, I can't give in. I'm her big strong stud, I can't let her know that it hurts.

"Is that all you've got!?" I blurted out with a crooked, sideways smile. "Huh? Is that all you've got, girl!? Come on, put your back into it!"

I would end up regretting that, big time.

Caddy-Jacked: Part Three

"You two horndogs best keep it down up there!" Granny smith hollered up at my partner and I after thumping the ceiling with a broomstick or something.

Granny Smith, Celestia bless her, if she of all ponies can hear all this racket Applejack and I are making, that's saying something. At this point, Jackie is pounding me senseless and I don't know if i can take much more. Pegasi have hollow bones, she's gonna snap every one in my body if she keeps this up. This is weird, part of me is loving every second of it, but on the other hoof, dreading her orgasm. Now that she's smacking my head against the headboard of the bed with every stroke though, I can't just lay here and take it. I've gotta say something before I get a concussion.

"Hey! Appleja-AAH!" I yelped as my head was repeatedly smacked against the headboard, my partner seeming to be completely oblivious. "Look, gorgeous, can you jus-GAAHH! Tone it do-OW! Jesus titty fucking Christ, App-OOH!"

Who the fuck is this Jesus Character? When I start blurting out weird names like that, I'm either drunk or my head is on the receiving end of some trauma. I need to get her attention. If blood is gonna start flowing to my head from the impending swelling, it'll compromise my boner and ruin this whole thing for the both of us.

"APPLEJAAAACK!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, finally grabbing my mate's attention.

"Wha? W-what'n the hay!?"

"The fuck are you trying to do, kill me!?"

"Aw shoot, buddy, Ah'm mighty sorry 'bout that, sugarcube!"

"No biggie, I'm just glad I got your attention. Just wanted to let you know that two can play at this game!"

I quickly forgave the injuries as she's the first mare who touched me in a very long time, but now that she's stopped fucking me senseless, I'm gonna turn the tables on her. Just like she did to me earlier, I grabbed her, flared my wings out and flipped the both of us over. Instead of proceeding to plow her while she lay on her back, I rudely pulled out, grabbed her again and flipped her over, leaving her on all fours with that sweet ass of hers in the air.

Judging by the gasping and moaning as I threw her around like she did to me, she seemed to like my display of dominance. No matter how strong a mare may be, sometimes they just like a stallion to be rough with them right back. Heh, look at me, acting like I know what I'm talking about. Doesn't matter, I've got her right where I want her now and this sweet piece of ass has my name written all over it.

With my forehooves firmly gripping her divine cheeks right on her cutie mark, I positioned myself and pushed my eager cock into her pussy and began to thrust. If I'm gonna hold true to all this talking myself up like that, I better find a good rhythm, and fast. Okay, Caddy, you can do it. Not too shallow, not too quick, just some nice, deep thrusts with my pelvis smacking against her sweet ass for good measure.

"Ca-Ca-Caddy!" Applejack screamed. "Hahh fuck! Yes! Aaahhhoooohhhuuhh!!"

"Yeah, you like that?" I cooed, my newfound confidence at a level I've never reached before. "Mmm yeahh, you're taking it like a champ, sweetheart. Ooh yeahhh."

If it felt good before she started bashing my head, the bumps to the noggin were completely forgotten about. I still have a hard time believing that I, Cadillac Taille Finz, have managed to make a friend whom I can stick my cock into. I think this could be the start of something truly great, and I'm starting to like Applejack in a whole new way, more than just a business client. I think I could even stand to cuddle with her when we're done. Shit, I like this girl! Yeah!

I can feel her body twitching now, and her pussy is starting to clamp down on my throbbing dick as I continue to pump and and out of her, like a piston in an engine. Ha, together, she and I make the perfect engine and I fucking love it! I think she might be getting close, and I can feel the familiar clench in my balls that I get when I wank off, except I have a mare on the other end. Whoo, this is gonna be good!

"AAAHHHHH! CADDY! AH'M GONNA...HAAHHH FUUUCK!" Applejack screamed as she and I both neared our peaks.

"OOHH YEAH!! FUCK YEAH!!" I shouted as I too teetered on the edge.

I'm not sure if I was actually good at it, the condom Cadence gave me, or both, but I managed to show this sexy country girl a good time. She's bound to let me bang her again sometime and who knows? Maybe she'll tell her friends "boy howdy, that Caddy Finz sure can satisfy a gal!" I like the idea of other mares knowing that about me, I could get used to that. Hoo yeah, almost there. Shit, this is gonna end up being one hell of a ride. It was about to be, but not exactly in the way I would have preferred.

"YEEEEHHAAAAWWWWW!!" Applejack screamed as fluids began gushing out of both of us and she suddenly raised her back legs as if she was about to buck a tree.

She was about to buck something alright. Much to my dismay, her orgasm must have triggered some sort of reflex in her lower body as before I could bask in the afterglow, she yanked my dick right out of her and sent her back hooves into my gut. That was just the end of my daydream and the beginning of a nightmare. Instead of just sending me to the floor into a twitching heap, I went flying back until I hit the wall of Applejack's bedroom. Everything after that seemed to happen in slow motion.

"OOOWAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed as I continued to sail through the air.

The wall didn't stop me. I found myself crashing through it and as I flew backwards and whizzed right past an awestruck Applebloom as the poor little filly held a pillow over her ears as to muffle the sounds of me banging her sister in the next room over. The next wall didn't stop me either and I crashed through into an equally perplexed Big Mac's room as he sported a pair of headphones hooked to a small radio. Much like his little sister before him, he too made it apparent that he prefer not to endure the awkwardness that was the sound of me plowing Applejack.

As I sailed through the room in what seemed like slow motion, Big Mac and I made eye contact for a split second, his own eyes resembling saucers. Finally, I went flying through the last wall and found myself outside and at long last came to an abrupt stop on the front yard of the farm which I had grown acquainted to with a solid thud.

I lay on the hard ground, a broken, twitching, cum covered mess as I stared up at the bright moon above. It was quite the sight to behold as I slowly began to lose consciousness. Though I was in some of the worst pain of my life, I could rest assured that I would soon be receiving some much needed medical attention as I could hear a few concerned sets of hooves rushing towards me. Just before I finally allowed complete darkness to take over, I coughed out my own two bits as I passed out cold.

"Worth it..."

The Next Morning...

That repetitive beeping is getting annoying. How the fuck is somepony supposed to sleep with that going on? Maybe I should be getting up anyway. What time is it? Or better yet, what day is it? Ahh, why can't I move? Everything hurts. Shit, where the hell are my glasses?

I slowly opened my eyes to a dimly lit room, the ceilings and walls all white. It was a blur without my specs but looking to my left, I saw the source of the insufferable beeping in the form of a black screen atop a small cart. Ah, I must be in the hospital. To my right, I saw a clear bag of fluid hanging over my head with a clear tube leading down to an iv stuck into my right foreleg. Damn, girl, the fuck'd you do to me? Either way, I'm just glad I can remember it all, that was fun. I wonder where she is, anyway. I was about to find out.

"Miss Apple, he's awake!" A voice just outside the doorway beamed.

I could hear two sets of hooves rushing into the room, one of them unfamiliar, the other, the unmistakable thump of the powerful legs of whom's owner I had the pleasure of rutting recently. Now that these two figures were close, I could make them out as a doctor who proceeded to check my vitals and that sweet piece of flank Applejack, the latter nearly to the point of tears. I'll soon rectify that.

"Caddy!" Applejack cried out as she hugged me while I lay on that hospital bed. "Ah'm so sorry, Caddy!"

"Applejack?" I asked, confusing my new friend with the widest, goofiest smile I could ever muster.

"Uh...yeah, sugarcube?"

"Let's do that again."

Author's Note

The next few chapters may or may not end so well for my poor OC.

Getting Schooled: Part One

"That was the best fucking lay I've ever had." I said to Cadance as she pushed me out of the front entrance of the hospital in a wheelchair.

"I just find it funny that Applejack can now honestly say that she literally put a guy in a wheelchair." Cadance chuckled.

The doctor told me that I should be able to start trotting again in two days and flying within about a week. Even though she fucked me up pretty good, Applejack and I are cool. Better than we were before in fact. I definitely wanna fuck her again sometime but I think it's gonna be a while before I'm up for it again. Aside from my injuries, I'm feeling like a million bits simply because I got laid.

Am I taking time off work? Of course not! I mean, I'm taking the rest of the day off to get some rest because Cadance is going to physically make me and I can't fight her in this state. Come to think of it, she could kick my ass in her sleep. Nice to have her around to help me though. I don't deserve friends like her and Shining Armor.

"Caddy, now that we're back home, I wanted to talk to you about something." Cadance said as she pushed me through my front door.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I found another single mare that I think you could really hit it off with."

"Already? Don't you think I should take a break for a while after this?"

"You need more friends, Caddy. Besides, what you had with Applejack was casual sex. I'm talking about going on an actual date and getting to know somepony. Making a meaningful connection. Now that you've gotten some of your pent up, pissed off crap out of your system, you could stand to spend time with ponies and develop friendships. Maybe even more."

She just wasn't going to get off of this and as much as I don't like to admit it, she's right. Sure, I do feel better now that I got my dick wet, but I'm still no less an asshole than I was before. What do I have to lose? Who knows? Maybe I can bang this one too. Maybe I'll fall in love and it'll change my life. Not holding anything to that last one, but we'll see.

"Alright, Cadence." I sighed in defeat. "What's this girl like?"

"She's a cute one, Caddy, I think you'll like her."

"I like cute."

"She's smart, kind of a nerd."

"Twilight?"

"Heheheh, no Caddy, it isn't Twilight. This girl is thirty-three."

"A little older than me? Okay, nothing wrong with that. What else? What does she do?"

"She works with foals."

"Ah, somepony my nieces would get along with."

"Huh, I didn't think you liked kids for some reason."

I couldn't help but feel a bit insulted by that. Of course I like kids, my nieces are a very big, important part of my life and I'm proud to be heavily involved in raising them. Not to mention, I'm great with Flurry Heart whenever she's around. I get it, I'm a prick but I don't dislike foals. That's why I don't have any myself, I'd be a horrible father. Any youngsters that aren't mine should be considered lucky. It's not that I'd mistreat or resent my foals if I had any, I just know I'm not fit to nor do I have the time to raise any.

"Well, I can tell you that you were mistaken to think that." I said as a matter of factually as Cadance and I relaxed on the sofa with a beer. "I'm great with kids. You know Flurry Heart even calls me 'Uncle Caddy'. I can't believe you'd think that about me."

"You're right, my bad."

"M'kay. So, about this lady friend of ours..."

Three Days Later...

Turns out, I've met this girl before and I completely agree with Cadance, she's definitely a cute one. Cadence worked as the middle mare between us and set us up on a date in the park at four o'clock this afternoon. Just a casual meetup, I didn't have to wear my favorite cravat or anything fancy like that. All I had to do was work an opening shift at my store until half past three and trot on over to the park to see her. It worked out well for her too as she had just finished up at her own job for the day too. From having met her before, I know this young lady is really nice and could probably teach me a thing or two about not being a dick to others.

I was looking forward to this one. Only problem was that Cadance told me that this mare really doesn't like the smell of smoke so I made sure to go a few hours without a cigarette and chew a bunch of gum in between them. I made sure to only smoke outside too so I wouldn't stink like an ashtray. Well, I'm getting close to where we were supposed to meet up now and since I'm stone cold sober, I am a little bit nervous.

I find older mares a bit intimidating at times ever since I got into the retail biz since they're the worst complainers I've ever seen. I mean, this one's only six years older than me, it's not like I'm meeting up with some cougar who is completely indifferent to and never impressed by anything. Hell, even Rarity the owner of the local clothing boutique acts more like that and she's younger than I am. Anyway, this lady I'm about to go see is really sweet and bubbly so I think we'll hit it off just fine.

Oh, I see her now. She's over by the park's koi pond tossing food pellets in for the fish. I'll just slide up next to her and say hello. She's a maroon colored earth pony mare with a mane and tail of a couple different light shades of pink. She had a cutie mark of three cute little daisies with little faces on them. As I trotted closer with confidence in my posture and my stride, she turned turned her head around and looked over at me and her pretty green eyes met mine. What a pretty smile she has. All around good looking girl and I bet her personality is just as nice.

"Hi, Cheerilee!" I beamed as I trotted up and alongside my date.

"Hello there, Caddy!" She greeted with a diabetes inducing smile before hugging me all of a sudden.

Was I expecting a hug? No. Do I have a problem with it? Also no. That was actually kind of nice. It was like when Applejack pulled me in closer to her except a little less boner inducing. If things go well between us however, I certainly wouldn't mind getting intimate with this cutie.

"How are things going at the school?" I asked my date as she and I proceeded to trot down the path at the park.

"Oh, wonderful!" She replied. "I really enjoy what I do, I can't think of any other career I'd rather have!"

She's so bubbly and upbeat and the feeling is rubbing off on me! I like this girl and I'm really digging her vibes. We have a lot in common and I there's just something about smart girls that make me really want to be around them. When I was younger, the two sluts I got with were dumber than a box of rocks. I look back and feel glad that I never went anywhere with them, I can't stand stupid ponies. This one though; I've got a good feeling about her.

Getting Schooled: Part Two

My date with Cheerilee went swimmingly! She's so nice, and we talked for hours about engineering and popular mechanics. She's a real science wiz. She is a school teacher after all. She and I also know a lot about environmental science and marine biology, which we also could talk about for hours on end. Conversation flows so naturally between the two of us. Both of us are well aware of and don't give two shits about our six year age difference.

Though very minor and barely significant, there are a few cons to this one. She doesn't like it when I swear and I admit, I do it way too much. I also can't smoke around her and I'm going to find it safe to assume that she would be turned off if she knew how much I drink. She's the kind of girl I can wine and dine though, I know that much as she and I have made plans to see each other again over dinner at Snobby's Bistro. I like classy, upscale places like that and I think it'd be a good environment for the two of us to connect.

The day after the next was our next date at seven o'clock at the nice five star establishment. Sure, a bit overkill for a second date but I managed to talk her into it, which took almost no effort. I mean, we had such a great time the other day and you only live once. Well, right now, I'm putting on my favorite cravat and my best black collar in front of my bathroom mirror while I listen to to words of encouragement from my Princess friend.

"You know, Caddy, Shining and I have an open relationship if that means anything to you." Cadence said as I was only partially listening.

"Uh huh...Wait, what?"

"I said you look very handsome."

"Aww, thanks, Cadance."

"You bet. Now get on over to her place and you trot with her to that restaurant!"

I did just that. The night with Applejack was still lingering along with me as was the confidence brought on by our intimate encounter. Applejack may not have been the first mare I had sex with but she was the first one I had managed to get off. If I can make a mare cum, I can do it again. However, Cheerilee doesn't seem like the type to screw after the first or even second date. I've got a condom just in case but I don't expect to be getting intimate tonight.

She looked absolutely stunning in that dress that matched her eyes and I made it a point to let her know that. Even the trot to the restaurant was wonderful, we never paused our conversation or needed to take a moment to come up with something to say. No awkward silence, conversation just flowed perfectly. She mentioned that she'd love to get to know my nieces once they're old enough to start going to school. One of them just turned five and the other is three, so they will be starting school before too long.

We spent two hours at the bistro and only left because the place was closing for the night. I had to talk her into letting me pay the bill, as she wanted to go half on it. Call me an asshole or whatever but I guess I'm just a bit too traditional. Not sorry. I also held doors open for her and stuff. I know, how dare I, right? We ended up trotting around town and purposely took the long way back to her place. Neither of us wanted to but we had to bid each other goodnight but before we parted ways, I figured I'd try something new.

As we stood on her doorstep, I slowly inched my face towards hers and she responded by doing the same. We both then closed our eyes and pressed our lips together. It was unlike the kisses I shared with Applejack, this one was much more gentle and less sloppy. I had so little experience with kissing but I seemed to pull it off just fine. After planting a few more on each other, we gently broke off and stood there smiling at each other until she finally broke the semi awkward silence.

"Goodnight, Caddy." Cheerilee said, her green eyes looking into mine.

"Goodnight, Cheerilee." I said with a smile as I spread my wings and took to the air...nearly a week sooner than the doctor said I should even attempt.

As I struggled to fly myself back home, my wings burned like a motherfucker but I didn't care. Something else started burning and it wasn't my store. There was a fire in my chest and I fucking loved it. Cheerilee and I made plans to have a picnic in a nearby meadow in a couple days and both of us could hardly wait. Now, I could go home to cadence and tell her the good news. Though my body and wings are still a bit sore, I was feeling pretty damn good for the first time in years.

"I knew you two would hit it off, Caddy!" Cadence beamed as she and I both prepared to retire for the night. "I can see you two really flourishing as a couple!"

"I really like her Cadance!" I beamed. "I really owe it to you for setting us up!"

"Heheh, I am the Princess of Love after all!"

Cadence has been sleeping on my sofa for the past week now and I just didn't have the heart to make her sleep there any longer. Problem is, I can't sleep on it and give her my bed as my back and my wings are still sore so she convinced me that there was nothing wrong with the two of us sharing the bed. It's not like we're gonna do anything we shouldn't, we're just a couple of close friends sleeping together. I trust her when she says Shining Armor has no problem with it, she wouldn't lie to me. I really need to quit taking the few friends I have for granted.

The day Cheerilee and I planned our next date arrived and she and I, as well as Cadance were really looking forward to it. I packed up a cooler with our lunch which included potato salad, cucumber sandwiches, a vase full of daisies, some sodas and a bottle of wine that I've been saving for a quite some time. I met her at her house and we proceeded to have ourselves a nice trot over to where she and I planned to set up our picnic, which much to our relief, we found to be completely void of any other couple with the same idea. We had the whole meadow all to ourselves.

That meant we could do whatever we wanted with nopony trotting by and telling suggesting that we get a room. No, we didn't have sex on our picnic blanket, but we did make out and cuddle like crazy. I haven't felt this good in years. All my life, I'd been pushing others away and shying away from physical contact and now I know what I've been missing. I've never felt like such a fool before. Why have I been depriving myself of such wonderful things all these years?

Cheerilee and I started our date at two o'clock on this Sunday afternoon and completely lost track of time until the sun began to set at quarter to eight. We just couldn't get enough of each other, and just as we packed up our things and made our way back to her place, she let me know just how much more of me she would be hoping to get later on tonight.

"Caddy? Can you do me a huge favor?" Cheerilee asked, nearly sounding like she was about to beg.

"Anything for you, m'lady." I cooed.

"Will you meet me at my school in one hour? Please? There's something I've always wanted to try and you're the guy I want to try it with."

"Of course."

It's all in her tone and clear as day in her eyes. She wants me to rut her but why would she want to do it at her school?
Is that legal? Aw, who the hell am I kidding, I committed arson and got away with it, I think we'll be fine. Ooh, maybe she wants to try some kinda role play! Of course! She's the sexy teacher and I'll be the rowdy young stud stuck with her in detention! I love that idea! Ohhohoho, I'm gonna be bringing my swag in full swing tonight! Yes!

As far as I was concerned, our date wasn't over, not by a long shot. All we had to do was go home, get cleaned up, maybe put on some of my more, what Cadance calls, my more "sexy" cologne. Don't judge us, we're best friends, we can call each other that if we want!

Again, after some more encouragement, Cadance sent me on my way with a packet of rubbers, this time not magically charged. I should be able to pull this off without the extra help. They're ribbed anyway, she'll fucking love it. I made my way back to the school where the beautiful teacher would be waiting for me and hot damn am I anxious. I mean, I really don't have any idea what she had in mind. For all I know, she could have invited me to help clap the blackboard erasers.

Nahh! That's silly! What the hell kinda crack have I been smoking? No sense in making myself anxious about this, there's only one way to find out. Finally, I made it to the school to find a note taped to the door. It read "Caddy, it's unlocked, just come in." Oh, I'll come in something all right! I reached for the handle, pushed the door open and stepped inside. Everything was dark.

After a moment of stumbling around, my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I could make my way around just fine. Weird, where the hell's she at? Here I am just trotting back and forth through the hallway, looking around for my sweetheart. She's not in any of the bathrooms, the maintenance closet...how about I quit being a dumb ass and check the classroom then?

I trotted into the classroom which was as dark as the rest of the little school house. I went up to Cheerilee's desk and figured I'd take a seat while I waited for her wherever she was. To sit there and look at all those little desks facing towards me got me imagining what it would actually be like teaching foals. Sure, I like foals but I don't have the patience to be a teacher. Just when I started to think I'd be waiting for a while, all of a sudden, the light flipped on which immediately drew my attention to the doorway. Who I saw standing there was a real sight for sore eyes.

"Oh, Mister Finz." Cheerilee, sporting an incredibly sexy cheerleader outfit with a very short skirt whined, a cute little pout on her face. "The rest of the cheerleaders said that you were going to kick me off the squad."

Ooohohohohhh fuck yeah.

"Is it because my grades are bad?" She continued as she slowly trotted towards me with her tail high in the air. "There's got to be something I can do to stay on the team." She began to bat her eyelashes. "Whatever I can do to make some extra credit, please, just name it and I'll do it. Anything."

"Anything, you say?" I asked as I licked my lips, playing along with her little game.

"Oh yes, anything, sir."

If my dick was already getting hard, it was just about ready to explode when trotted past me and brushed her tail under my chin. Ohhh yeah, this bad girl's asking for it. This is going to be the most fun I've had in years.

"Well, little missy, your grades are pretty bad this month." I said with the most devious of smirks on my face. "You'll have to make up a lot of extra credit if you want to stay on the cheerleader squad."

"I'll do anything, Mister Finz!" Cheerilee whined as she trotted up to me in my seated position and sat herself down on my lap. "You've always been my favorite teacher, Mister Finz. I just know you'll help me with thi-mmmff!"

As the sexy little cheerleader sat on my lap, I pressed my lips against hers and buried my tongue in her throat. As both our tongues danced around one another, my stallionhood was now standing at full mast, she could poll dance on it in the position she was sitting in. The moans and squeaks coming from her as she wrapped her forelegs around me were adorasexy, if that's a word. Screw it, I'll make it a real word, I'm the teacher.

"Mmm-aah! M-Mister Finz! I've always had such a huge crush on you!"

"Oh, I know, Cheery." I cooed as I held her close. "I could read you like a book, you know." I quickly slipped my rubber on and I then placed my forehooves under her sweet ass and lifted her up over my desperate, twitching cock. "Now let's start making up that extra credit now, shall we?"

She was already wet so I had no trouble letting her down on my dick. The blush on her face is just about the cutest thing I've ever laid eyes on. That squeak she let out as she sunk down on me made me throb even more, in turn earning another squeak. It was the best viscous cycle I've ever found myself in and I don't think I'll ever want to get out.

"Mmm, this oughtta bring up your gpa, little missy."

"Ooohh yesss...Ohh Mister Finz, yes, rut meee." She moaned as l repeatedly lifted her up and let her down. "Y-yes! You're my favorite teacher, Mister Finz!"

Did I mention that I really like this girl?

Getting Schooled: Part Three

"Yes! Yehehehehesss!" Cheerilee screamed as she bounced up and down on my rock hard stallionhood.

"Mmm yeahhh, how's my favorite student holding up?" I cooed. "I hope I'm not to much for you, little lady."

Oh fuck that feels good! She's not quite as tight as Applejack and she's much lighter and softer. I can actually squeeze and squish this cute little ass, she's so soft. Probably because her line of work is more on the white collar side. I imagine that teaching kids isn't as strenuous labor as bucking apple trees and toting fully loaded carts around. Not that I'm complaining, she's easy to lift up. In fact...

"Whaa!" Cheerilee gasped as I stood up from the chair and plopped her down on the desk.

"Shh shh shh, don't you worry, Mister Finz will be gentle." I whispered in her ear before I proceeded to push in and out of her sopping wet marehood. I want to look into her eyes when we cum and her lying on her back is the perfect position for that. Holy shit have I wanted to bang a mare over a desk in the worst goddamn way. Maybe I can bring her to my store and I can make love to her in my office. Make love...I think I love her.

"Daddy, yes!!" Cheerilee screamed.

She said "Caddy", right? Ohh, she better have.

"Yes, give it to me, Daddy!!"

I don't like that. Stop it.

"Make me your girl, Daddy!"

"Okay, that's enou-OOOOHHH!!" I yelled as I started to cum.

I decided to express my discomfort with what she was calling me through actual dialog rather than narrative. This story's in first pony, my point of view, nopony can read minds here. Problem is when I pulled out of her snatch, my condom slipped off while my dick became a fire hose. This could become a really big issue to the point of putting both of our careers on the line.

I was getting jizz everywhere. On the desk, the blackboard, the ceiling, the floor, even all the way to some of the kiddie's desks on every side of the classroom. In this state, it's pretty difficult to control my body and even more so when the floors I struggle to stand on become slippery. Even more still when the mare I just got done making love to tried to stand up and ended slipping and falling on me.

I'm in a really fucked up situation right now. I'm in a goddamn schoolhouse lying in a puddle of my own cum with the teacher laying on top of me. I really wish she hadn't called me that, calling me "Daddy" during sex is a huge no no. I don't get why so many guys like it so fucking much, I just think it's creepy. That's just a crying shame. I really liked this girl. This isn't gonna be easy for either of us.

I feel bad though, the whole time she and I struggled to return to our hooves, I've gotten her all worked up and worried about it. I need to just get it over with and tell her that was a deal breaker. More importantly however, we need to get this mess taken care of immediately. What are ponies supposed to think if they find out their kids' school is covered in spunk? Best that they don't find out at all.

"Cheerilee..." I said firmly to my now anxious and equally and sticky marefriend as I helped her get back on her hooves. "Go home, take a shower and come meet me back here. Got it?"

"O-okay, Caddy." Cheerilee said quietly.

I know it's late at night but with the kind of luck I have, somepony will see me stumbling home all covered in my own seed. At least my dick isn't still out, I guess it could be worse. It could easily get much, much worse if Cheerilee and I don't get cleaned up and get that school taken care of. As quickly as my tired body would allow, I made my way back into my house and stumbled through the door to see my royal friend sitting on my sofa, reading a book.

"Don't ask." I deadpanned before Cadance could even think to say anything.

After a shower that took much longer than it should have, I finally raced back out my door and back to the school where I was to meet my soon to be ex. I didn't have to wait long for her to show up and we wasted no time getting back inside where I made a beeline for the maintenance closet. With much haste, I gathered up mops, buckets, floor brushes and other such cleaning supplies and hoofed one of the mops over to Cheerilee.

"Here." I said. "Neither of us are leaving until we've cleaned this entire school from top to bottom. I don't need some foal stepping in that and ponies starting to wonder how it got there. I assume you don't either. "

Without another word, Cheerilee and I mopped, washed and scrubbed every inch of the classroom whether it was covered in seed or not. Just when she thought we were done, I so graciously informed her that we were to clean the whole facility in its entirety. I don't want a single sperm cell that can be traced to me lingering around here. I don't care how stupid that sounds, we're cleaning this whole place.

After hours of both of us silently cleaning the entire building, we finally finished wringing out the mops for the last time, Celestia's morning sun just peeking up over the mountains to the East. It was when the front door opened and little colts and fillies began filing in that I realized that I'd be taking the day off to get some sleep. Before I leave though, there's one last thing I've got to take care of.

"Cheerilee, can we talk?" I asked, my tone and expression much softer than before.

She just nodded as she and I stepped outside. I feel like shit, I must have made her feel terrible, and now look, I'm about to break the poor girl's heart. I just need to be straight with her and say what needs to be said.

"Cheerilee?" I sighed.

"Yes, Caddy?" She answered, nearly to the point of tears.

"You are without a doubt...the sweetest, kindest, most caring and wonderful girl I've ever had the pleasure of dating."

"I...I..."

"And I don't deserve you. Cheerilee, I'm not trotting back home and leaving you here to think that you're the one with the problem. The one with the problem...is me. If I can't get over something as silly as you calling me 'daddy' during sex, then you need to find a better guy than me. It's my fault, not yours. I'm sorry, Cheerilee."

Before I could turn around and trot back home, Cheerilee wished to make one last request.

"C-Caddy?" Cheerilee sobbed. "Can we just have...one last kiss?"

I was more than happy to oblige. I just took this poor girl's heart and smashed it to pieces over something so ridiculous, I wasn't about to deny her one last kiss. We made it a kiss to remember and finally, I left her to resume her duties as an educator and made my way back home. I wasn't feeling good at all, sick almost. Tears of my own began rolling down my cheeks as I quickened my pace and finally broke out into the galloping, sobbing loser I was. I may never forgive myself.

Feeding the Habit: Part One

I'm not feeling good, not one bit. I feel like such a fool, I'm heartbroken, and so confused and don't even know what the fuck I want in life and it's all my fault. Poor Cheerilee, wasting her time with a degenerate like me. I really liked her a lot, not just as a piece of ass but as the lovely, wonderful, amazing mare she is. She will find a guy who makes her very happy one day and that guy won't be me.

After being awake all night, I reluctantly decided to take the day off from work with some encouragement from Cadence. I didn't need to tell her that I needed a friend to comfort me through the shitty day this was turning out to be, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like cuddling with her. She keeps telling me Shining Armor has no problem with it so I'm not arguing with her about it anymore.

I was able to catch up on sleep and ended up getting my solid three hours I need to get me back into the swing of things at work. After a few more days, I was able to take my mind off Cheerilee and discuss with Cadence ways that I can de-stress. She and I went shopping and picked up some bath bombs, a bunch of incense, all kinds of tea, and other nice stress relieving stuff.

Once I had some alone time after a shift at my store, I drew myself a nice bubble bath, plopped a bath bomb in there, and laid myself in the tub with a cold cloth over my forehead. With a smoldering cigar and a cup of green tea by my side, I did my absolute best to relax. At first it worked until I realized that I wasn't alone. To my surprise and the elevation of my heart rate, a long, pink horn jutted out from the mountain of bubbles and nearly expedited my next trip to the toilet.

"Gah!" I yelped as my pink Princess friend rose out of the depths of my bathtub. "Cadence, what the fuck are you doing in here!?"

"The same thing you're doing!" She retorted, seeming to not understand why I was uncomfortable all of a sudden. "Caddy, please calm down before you have another heart attack."

"This is getting too damn weird, Cadence!"

I then got up to my hooves and proceeded to attempt to jump out of the tub until her aura caught me and dragged me back in. She wasn't pulling any punches.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Cadence asked.

"For real, Cadence, I can't have us both in the tub at the same time." I retorted. "One of us has to get out."

"Says the guy who wrote a story about my husband blowing other guys."

"Huh?!"

"What?"

"I'm not even done with that one yet!"

"Look, Caddy, we've been sleeping in the same bed, and this kind of intimacy with close friends can be good for you!"

"I mean, I'd be lying if I said cuddling didn't make me feel better."

"Okay, look, I'll let go of you. I'm not going to force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. You're free to either leave the room or ask me to leave it."

She had me there. It really felt nice to hug and cuddle with a friend, even ones I don't plan on having sex with. I'm not hurting Shining Armor by doing this so I guess I'd be a fool to push her away. I mean, we're just taking a bath together, we're naked all the time, only difference is that we're in water. After pausing for thought for a moment, I sunk myself back into the tub with a sigh of defeat. I could hear Cadence give a sigh of relief as well. She only wants to help, the least I can do is let her.

Having agreed to allow Cadence to stay in the tub with me, we could both finally relax and Celestia knows that we both deserve it. Well, she does anyway. As we both lay right next to each other in the nice warm water, we just let ourselves drift off into dream land, occasionally taking turns sharing our thoughts.

"Caddy?" Cadence quietly asked.

"Hm?" I asked, just as softly.

"When are you going to work on that other story?"

"Which one?"

"The one about Shining Armor getting his ass plugged."

"As soon as Ben moves into his new house and gets settled."

"Who the hell is Ben?"

"That big, fat, hairless primate counterpart of mine."

"Leave me out of this!" A male voice identical to mine shouted from outside.

"Ah. Oh, by the way."

"Hm?"

"I set you up on another date."

Again, Cadence is very well meaning and simply trying to help me but I think it's just too damn soon. Fuck it, can't be helped now, she already set it up. Upon hearing the news, I paused for a moment to give some thought as to just how I would thank her for her efforts.

"You suck." I said.

"I'm warning you, I'm good at it." Cadence replied.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Fine. When do I have to see this girl?"

"Tomorrow at six. It's just a friendly meetup, she knows you just broke up with Cheerilee. You two will just hang out and try to make friends, and whatever happens happens. Nothing says it has to be romantic.

She was right. Though I'm still aching over Cheerilee, all I gotta do is hang out with somepony, it's not like I have to get romantically involved and ruin my life again. Just a couple of ponies hanging out, becoming friends. What could it hurt. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually get along with this girl. Maybe I'll actually start to feel better and gain a new friend.

Cadence and I finished our bath, had dinner and after her convincing me to stop drinking after twelve beers, we went to bed early to get ready for the next day. Wow, bed at three in the morning? That's early for me. The next morning, we ended up waking up at eight which meant I got five whole hours of sleep! I've never felt so well rested! Cadence convinced me to do it which was a reminder that she really does have my best interests at heart.

There was just one catch that I know Bothered Cadence immensely though. I was to meet this girl at one of the local bars. Sounds like my kinda girl! Well, weather I like the location or not, I could see it in Cadence's eyes that she was worried. She and I both know I have a problem with booze and the least I could do is promise her that I won't overdo it when she asks me to and I know she will.

"Caddy?" Cadence asked as I opened the door to head out.

Here it is.

"Yeah, Cadence?" I asked as I turned my head around.

"You know Twilight, Shining, and I care about you so much, right?"

"I'll only have a couple, Cadence. Don't worry, I won't drink myself stupid like I have been."

"That's all I could ask for."

With a nice, warm hug, she sent me on my way and I made my way to the hottest spot in town where I would meet up with a new friend and have a drink or two. No more than five. Cadence Described this girl to me and gave me her name and vice versa, so if I didn't end up finding her, she would me.

It's a Friday night, so the crowd is pretty thick right now which makes me a bit anxious. Remember, I have an anxiety disorder, so it hasn't always been easy for me, but you know what does make it easier? You should know me by now. As soon as I found an unoccupied bar stool, I plopped my ass down on it and waved the bartender over.

"Hey, what can I getcha, Caddy?" The bartender, Frosty Mugs asked.

"Lemme have a gwinnet stout. A nice tall one."

"Coming right up."

Frosty knew me by name and since I'm there way too often than I should be, how could he not? Well, as I waited for my drink to be slid over to me, I received a light tap on my shoulder. I was preparing for just about anything when that happens. Whether it was from a customer of mine who felt the price of something they bought from me was too high and they're waiting until now to bitch about it or one of my employees simply asking me to hang out, I need to treat it like a threat until I found out for sure.

Getting ready to give the side of my head a thump to pop out a weapon I hide inside my ear, I quickly and cautiously turned around to see that it was neither, which once again put me at ease. Instead it was just exactly the pony I came here to see. She was even cuter up close. Her coat was a very light violet, a bit lighter than Twilight's, and her mane was a deep, dark red, like some of the finest wines I've had the pleasure of shortening my life span on. Her cutie mark was a vine of grapes with a lone strawberry sitting next to it and her eyes were of burgundy or maroon. Fuck it, I can't tell the difference between the two, I'm almost legally blind.

"Hey." She said, casually. "You must be Caddy, right?"

"Yeah." I confirmed. "Berry Punch?"

"That's me."

She then took a seat at the empty stool next to me and we proceeded to bump hooves, as customary for when meeting new ponies.

"Buy ya a drink?" I offered.

"Nah, I'll buy my own." She waved off with a smile. "I heard you really like to drink though, am I right?"

"I've been known to put 'em away, hon. Make no mistake about that."

"Wellllll, do you like to drink...competitively?"

Cadence, I'm so sorry but this girl has me written all over her! She's mine!

"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into, sweetheart." I said with a smirk before downing the black beer that was slid in front of me. I then slammed the empty mug down and waved Frosty over for another one. Berry Punch seemed impressed.

"Let's go then." Berry Punch said, returning the same smirk I gave her.

Author's Note

A big thanks to chief maximus for so graciously allowing me to use the name "Frosty Mugs", a character from his story "A Pony Walks Into a Bar"! Feel free to check out this story and his other amazing work and maybe thank him with a follow as well!

Feeding the Habit: Part Two

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" A group of ponies cheered me on as I sat at a table with the end of a tube in my gob while Berry Punch poured beer into a funnel attached to the other end.

By this point, Berry Punch had already downed a good twenty or so beers, twelve shots of whiskey, and another eight of tequila. I know because I was right there neck and neck with her. She's incredible! I've never met anypony who can hold their liquor up to par with me! We've already outdrank everypony else in the bar and neither of us showed any signs of slowing down.

"Impressive!" Berry Punch gasped as I waved to some of the other patrons involved as they brought us even more booze to pour down our gullets. "I think you and I are gonna get along just fine!"

"I concur!" I beamed before letting out a big, crude belch.

I like to think I can have some form of class but not after this much booze. Nopony seemed to have a problem with it though. Not that they were really even paying attention anyway, there was still plenty of booze to be had by me and my worthy adversary and when ponies started placing bets on us, we knew it was about to get interesting. That and it got pretty exciting knowing that it was customary in Equestria that when two ponies drink competitively, and ponies start throwing bits around, our tab is paid for us.

After another three hours and about a dozen concerned looks thrown my way from Frosty Mugs, Berry and I were really starting to feel the burn. In between drinks, she and I really got to know each other personally too. I like her! This girl knows how to party! Shit, I wouldn't mind having that sweet flank of hers too. Well, just as I was about to get drunk on hormones while staring her up and down, our fun would come to an abrupt halt for the night.

"Alright, that's enough!" Frosty Mugs hollered as he slammed his hooves down on the table at which Berry, the other patrons and I sat. "I'm cutting you two off! Nopony's drinking themselves to death at my bar! Last call, everypony!"

"Aw come on!" One patron groaned.

"It was just getting good!" Whined another.

Actually, Frosty Mugs was right. Berry and I have had a few good kegs worth of beer and a few gallons of liquor at this point and we were both really feeling it. Despite having to pack it up and go home now though, I really wanted to hang out with Berry Punch again, and she too with me. She so graciously proceeded to make me well aware of the fact.

"Hey, Caddy." Berry Punch slurred as she stumbled over to me.

"Yo, whassup, good lookin'?" I belched out, equally as shitfaced.

Without any kind of forewarning whatsoever, Berry grabbed my neck tie and firmly yanked me towards her and buried her tongue down my throat. Awww yeahhh, a sloppy make out before parting ways for the night! Fuck yeah, she's my kinda girl! After sucking face and stifling a boner for a minute or two, we broke off, gave each other a nice hug and headed out the door bound for home.

Shit, I'm so fucking sloshed, it ain't even funny. Here I am stumbling and staggering around, struggling to even get my wings unfolded. I know I really shouldn't be flying but home isn't far away. It only seems like a daunting task to make it there because I'm so damn wasted. Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine, maybe. Finally, after several pathetic attempts, I managed to take to the air, homeward bound.

"Ah'm so drunk ah can barely seeee!" I sang as I flew on a wobbly path. "But it helps me get through another dayyy! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nahhhh! Gonna go puke in some hayyy! Whoo! Whoa!!"

"Watch it, I'm flying here!!" Another pegasus shouted at me as I narrowly missed sailing right into her head on.

"Sorryyy!" I slurred.

"Yikes! Get out of the air, you maniac!" Shouted a pegasus stallion.

"My baaad."

"Dude, what do you think you're doing!?" A light blue mare snapped as she flew beside me. Oh, I know this girl.

"Oh heyyy, I know you!" I slurred. "What's up, Dainbow Rash?"

Before speaking again, she proceeded to look around as if to make sure the coast was clear. Despite being shitfaced, I could tell that she looked worried.

"Look, I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but you really shouldn't be flying, dude." Rainbow Dash said. "Just saying. If you don't get yourself killed, you could get into huge trouble."

"Hey, Rashie." I belched. "You're kinda cute."

"Ah ah ah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Quit smoking, then come and tell me that. Just be careful, okay?"

With that, Rainbow Dash flew off and until she was out of my sight, I had the pleasure of watching that toned little butt of hers fade away in the distance. Damn, she's hot but I can only dream. There's no way I'd be able to get with a girl like her, she knows too much of what an asshole I am. That and being an athlete, she wouldn't be caught dead with a guy who smokes. Speaking of which, I could go for a cigarette.

After three cigarettes wasted from me lighting them from the filtered end, I finally managed to get it right and enjoyed a nice lung dart as I continued on my wobbly path, feeling more confident that I'd get home just fine. Little did I know, that as a mare wearing dark blue made eye contact with me for a split second as we whizzed past each other, my flight home was about to go downhill from there.

WHOOSH!

The unmistakable sound of a pegasus whipping themselves into the opposite direction of which they were originally travelling was the beginning of the end of my flight home as I was about to find out. I was too numb and stupid at the time to realize it until in the lenses of my glasses, I suddenly saw the reflection of red lights flashing behind me, that I was royally fucked.

"You! Red guy!" A mare shouted over a megaphone behind me. "Ground yourself!"

Oh no, it's a cop! She was wondering why I was zigzagging and now wants me to get down to the ground! Fuck! Well, I can't try to out fly her, that'd be a felony. Okay, steady now. Just gonna flare out my wings to slow down, there we go. Okay, just a few good flaps to slow my decent. Good, good. Whoa, better not stumble on my hooves or she's gonna know how drunk I am for sure. Well, being a little tipsy might even help me better talk to her. This cop is a cute one and I tend to have better luck talking to mares after putting a few away.

"What officer the be seems problem to?" I slurred as the mare approached, knowing that I had just fucked myself.

"Do you know why I stopped you, sir?" The young lady, probably fresh out of the academy asked with a cocked eyebrow.

She may have been a rookie but even in my drunken state, I could already tell that she knew very well that I shouldn't be flying. The cute little lady was dressed in full Ponyville Police attire, fitted with a red light bar on her back and sported a white helmet with a visor for keeping bugs out of her eyes. On the bottom of her shirt, she had the typical utility belt with a flashlight, hoofcuffs, a collapsible baton, pepper spray, and a revolver. All of which were a bunch of goodies I don't wanted to receive to the back of my head or pointed at me. This gal's the real deal.

"No ma'am, can't say I do." I replied politely.

"You couldn't seem to keep a straight path there, you know. That, and when I passed by you back there, I could see that your eyes looked pretty bloodshot."

"Uhh."

"I'm just gonna come out and ask you point blank. How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Oh, well, you know, just a coup-"

"No, I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

She's laying it on pretty thick and it's making me nervous. There's nothing I can do now and beating around the bush isn't going to help so I might as well just come clean and maybe throw in some flattery for good measure.

"Forty-seven beers, six margaritas, three bottles of Applejack Daniels, nineteen shots of tequila..." I began to list off. "...twenty-five screwdrivers, seventeen hard ciders, ten bottles of schnapps, four bottles of rum, one scotch, one bourbon, another beer, and a bottle of pear flavored vodka...you're pretty."

The mare's eyes looked like saucers and her jaw was nearly touching the ground. She stood there gawking at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I hope she doesn't find the derringer I keep in there. Either way, I know what's coming next and she might as well not even bother with the sobriety test and just take me in. I'm not even going to fight it, it'd just be delaying the inevitable.

"O-okay, sir, I'm gonna have to have you...blow into this meter." The mare stuttered as she produced a breathalyzer from her belt and held it up to my face.

I would have blown into it but instead I let out a big, hearty burp that ended up flowing right into the officer's face. It was when the visor on her helmet started to melt that she and I both became scared for our very lives. As the plastic on her helmet quickly melted away, the frightened policemare gasped in horror as she backed away from me and grabbed her radio to call for help.

"I need back up!" The frightened mare sobbed. "Outskirts on Sunset street! Officer down!"

To my dismay, the mare then drew her six shooter and held the cold steel barrel to my face. With my wings folded tight against my body and my hooves in the air as I sat my ass on the ground, I could see the business end of that thirty-eight caliber slug in the chamber of her gat. All of a sudden, I wasn't quite as drunk anymore. Within seconds, one officer after the other swarmed the scene and followed suit as even more rushed to the side of their colleague who's distress I had caused moments ago. Oh, shit, I'm gonna pay for this big time.

Feeding the Habit: Part Three

"Okay, twenty for your bail and thirty for your fine, so that'll be fifty bits." The jail clerk said as I fished the payment out of my wallet. "You'll be released into custody of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza as per her order."

"But I'm a grown ass stallion!" I protested.

"Well that's just too bad!" Said a furious Cadence as she stormed in and grabbed my tie. "You may be out of the joint for now but I'm having words with you about that little stunt you pulled back there!"

I've never seen Cadence so angry. She isn't quick to anger at all so when something pisses her off this bad, it's serious. She's right, I fucked up and got myself an FWI and the only thing I can do is sit back and let her verbally tear me a new asshole. The whole way back home, she really let me have it but I really wasn't expecting what she had to say next.

"I should have never let you hang out with Berry Punch." Cadence huffed. "I should have known that she was going to just fuel your drinking problem."

"Cadence, I'm sorry." I sighed. "I'm an adult, I should have known better than to fly after drinking so much."

"But she promised me she wouldn't push you into this. She lied to me. I trusted her that she wouldn't egg you on and she did it anyway. In a way, it's my fault for setting you up with her. No more."

"Well, it's not her fault, I'm just as much to blame for my own mistake."

"The real mistake here was you hanging out with her in the first place. She's trouble, Caddy."

I don't usually mind shifting the blame off of myself when I fuck up but Berry Punch is awesome! I get that Cadence is worried about me but I really want to see Berry again. Something tells me that she even wants to screw me too. I mean, why else would we suck face like that? I've got to see her again, that flank has me written all over it.

I was still feeling pretty weak from the hangover, so Cadence once again convinced me to let my assistants handle business as usual at my store. We were to spend the day relaxing and catching up on rest and Celestia knows we needed it. Cadence and I spent most of our time playing a nice game of monopoly which as a sleazy business pony, I almost always win. It was when I needed to take a piss that everything would change once I excused myself to the bathroom. As I stood over my toilet, letting my stream flow like a river, I was jarred out of my concentration by the presence of somepony I had hoped I would get the chance to see again.

"Nice meat log you got there." A mare's voice said from just outside my window.

"Berry!" I beamed. "Heheheh, like what you see?"

"I heard Cadence doesn't want you having any fun, am I right?"

"It's not so much that, she just thinks I can't take care of myself."

"The hell with her. Look, I'm having this kick ass party at my place and it won't be any fun until you're there."

"You had me at the dick compliment. Let's go."

Like a grounded teenager, I slipped out my window and left Cadence waiting for me to return from my never ending bathroom break. I felt terrible about just ditching her but if she knew that I was doing it for pussy, she'd understand. I mean come on, a sloppy make out, the way she looked at my schlong. This girl wants to fuck me and I'm going for it.

Berry and I started getting all giggly and excited and when she started describing things we would do to each other, I had to stifle an oncoming boner and save it for when we got there. We couldn't wait to get to her place and when we finally did, we wasted no time stepping over other couples making out, fucking, snorting weird powders and other wacky shit. Hot damn, can we have an orgy? I'd be down with that!

Hard drugs like yeyo aren't exactly my cup of tea but if Berry wants to snort some before getting down and dirty with me, I say have at it. I kinda dig crazy chicks. I'll just help myself to the whiskey on the rocks she's hoofing over to me. Mmm, good stuff. Hey, this isn't cheap crap, this is premium liquor! Nice! Down the hatch!

"Hey, Caddy." Berry said as she locked the door to the room and and I found ourselves in. "How you feeling?"

"I uhh...huh..." I stammered, feeling more drunk than I should all of a sudden. "Kinda weird honestly."

She then grabbed my by my tie and pushed me down onto the bed, I was completely powerless to stop her. She starts kissing me and rubbing my sheath with her hoof and as I start to get hard, the sudden realization hits me. I don't want to do this. I feel sick all of a sudden and every last bit my strength seems to be draining out of me. No, I don't want this, I don't want to have sex with her! I can't push her off of me!

"Berry!" I coughed as she started stroking my now rock hard cock. "What did you put in that drink!?"

"Oh, just a little something to help your tightwad ass loosen up."

"No, I don't wann-uuhh! S-stop! I feel sick! I don't want to do this!"

"Aww, well you were totally into it just a minute ago."

"Well, I changed my-ahh! I changed my mind! Get off of me!"

"Oh, I'm getting off, alright."

I'm getting weaker with each passing second and I can't even move a muscle. I can't even keep my dick from getting hard from her sucking and stroking it. It's like my body wants it but my mind doesn't. After a bit more sucking and stroking, she pops my dick out of her mouth, straddles me and positions my cock under her pussy. She lets out a soft moan as she slowly sinks down on my stiff rod and after gathering herself, she starts grinding her hips. No! I don't want to do this! This is rape! Ahh, I can't move! I can't stop her!

"B-Berry..." I wheezed in protest as she continued to violate me. "N-n-no...s-stop...p-please."

I'm getting so weak, I can barely even speak against what she is doing to me. She didn't even give me a chance to put a condom on. What if I get a disease from her? What if she gets pregnant? The thought of fathering a foal to somepony as horrible as this girl taking advantage of me makes me even sicker still. And under these circumstances! Gah, I hate this! I hate her! Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties involved, she isn't even giving me a choice!

Why didn't I listen to Cadence!? She was right! Berry Punch is horrible! She's insane! She's losing herself in the moment and I'm going to cum any second! I can't even get a word out of my mouth to tell her! This isn't how I wanted to father a foal! I've had myself tested, I'm super fertile and the chances of knocking her up are way too high! No...this is the moment where my assuming I don't die from whatever she poisoned me with, that my life goes downhill from here on out. It's all over.

I'm teetering on the edge and any second now, I'll be filling Berry up with my potent seed and destroying both our lives. I can't get her attention to warn her of the impending explosion. All I could do is lay there and take it as a commotion outside the room grew louder and began to drown out her passionate moaning. Wait, what's with all the noise and shouting out there? Is the place getting raided?

SLAM! SLAM! CRASH!

My saving grace in the form of an enraged Princess Mi Amore Cadenza smashed through the locked door, the fire in her eyes making it clear that she was here for blood. Just in the nick of time, Cadence grabbed a surprised and frightened Berry Punch by the throat and pulled her off of my limp body just before my orgasm took over. Not only was Cadence there for me but the Ponyville Police were there to bust the party as well. Oh, praise be to Cadence, I'm saved!

"Get off of him, you piece of shit!!" Cadence screamed as she slammed Berry Punch against the wall. "First you break your promise not to get him wasted and now you drug and rape him!? You're going down, you fucking degenerate!!"

"W-wait! He wanted it, I swear!" Berry Punch pleaded. "See? He was totally loving it!"

That must have struck a nerve with Cadence as out of absolutely nowhere, the furious alicorn up and started wailing on my assailant. In a berserk frenzy, Cadence sent her hoof sailing into Berry's face again, and again, and again. Even though the mare drugged and took advantage of me, it was hard to watch her getting beaten to a pulp. Even some of the cops accompanying her just stood at the doorway and gawked as Cadence pummeled Berry over and over again. Finally, she relented her beating and tossed Berry Punch's limp body to the floor in a bruised up, sobbing mess.

"Arrest her for sexual assault!" Cadence commanded the police officers as she then turned her attention to me, her expression growing much softer. "Caddy? Sweetie, it's going to be okay! We're here to get you out of here! Just hang in there!"

I still couldn't get a word out of my mouth, all I could do was gag and wheeze in response. Holy shit, what did Berry poison me with? The adrenaline from my ejaculating must have just worsened the affects as my heart feels like it's humming and my eyelids are getting heavy. I can't breath! No! I can't breath! I'm choking! I can't get any air into my lungs and my heart feels like it's about to explode! No. I can't die here. Not in front of Cadence. I can't do this to her.

"Somepony get a medic!!" Cadence screamed frantically. "Caddy!! Stay with me!!"

I'm slipping away. I can't fight it anymore. it's over. Twenty-seven lousy years and my life is already ending just as it started. Cadence...I'm sorry. I let you down. I let you, Twilight, Shining Armor, and everypony else who ever cared about me down. That light...that magnificent, beautiful light is calling my name. I need to go to it.

"Caddy!! No!!" Cadence sobbed. "Stay awake!! You've got to stay awake!! Caddy!! Caddyyyy!!"

Intermission: Much Needed Wake Up Call

"Hello?" I called out while trotting about in an empty, white abyss. "Anypony there? Helloooo?"

Where the hell am I? What is this place? Did I die? Is this my home for the rest of eternity? Fuck this, this is bull shit! I at the very least wanted to see my nieces grow up! I was only twenty-seven! Of course this would be my kind of luck, fate has been spitting in my face for the entirety of my life. What the fuck'd I expect?

Wait a minute, the blinding white abyss is fading into something else. I can't quite make it out yet but it's slowly fading into something...something...huh, classy. I'm finding myself in what looks like the bedroom of a house. A really ritzy one at that. By the looks of it, it could belong to nobility. It's all coming into focus now. What is this place, some kind of mansion?

The carpet and furniture in this joint looks like premium stuff and this bed right behind me is probably big enough for the whole family that lives here and whatever staff they have too. The door is open to a hallway which I waste no time trotting out to. Holy shit, this place is faaancy! A long red carpet covers the floor the whole way down with golden candle holders with lit candles that light he place up. I just pick a direction to go and stick with it and as I make my way down the hall way in search of an answer as to why I'm here in the first place, something really interesting catches me eye.

"Is that...me!?" I gasp in disbelief as I spot a large, very expensive looking portrait upon that wall of none other than yours truly. He's wearing a Hugo Hoofner style jacket, a top hat, monocle and has a big, fat expensive cigar in his...my teeth. His teeth that are even more stained than mine are now and making a very miserable looking expression completed by his tired, drooping eyes and graying mane and coat. Jeez, this must be my future! The outfit wouldn't look half bad if it were my twenty something self wearing it but at whatever point this is, I've seen better days!

I continue my way down the hall past at least a dozen or so rooms, open up the doors one by one and peek in to find nopony and nothing but more furniture, some really well equipped bathrooms, a library, a really big theater room and several aquarium rooms. Some things never change, I still like my fish tanks. I can't help but mosy on about some of these rooms and look at my future collection of fish and upon seeing what I managed to get my hooves on later in life is getting me excited. The first room I trotted though was ice cold with what must have been an industrial sized air conditioner blasting away as to keep the tanks full of trout nice and frigid.

The next room was the typical room temperature with more Equestrian native species of fish including bass and sunfish. The next tank over was full of big, fat carp and catfish. After admiring those fish, I trotted on over to the next to see some more exotic ones. This must have been the tropical room and there were tanks full of all kinds of tetras, angelfish, and cichlids. One more room over was full of goldfish. Now when I say goldfish, I don't mean the ones you buy for half a bit for your foal to get them to shut up for a minute and flush the next week, I'm talking about blue ribbon winning ones. Orandas and Ryukins the size of hoofballs! Koi that are easily three feet long and beautiful too! Wow, my future is awesome! I must have it made!

That's when I was about to find out that I could add that to the growing list of things I got wrong as I could hear somepony profusely sobbing in the next room over as I trotted out the door. Whoever it is must be having a really rough time, because they're really wrenching in agony. If this is supposed to be my own mansion later on in life then it only makes sense that this rough, haggard sounding voice wailing in distress is somepony I'll want to talk to. I trot into the other room to see a stallion sitting at a desk with his back facing me.

I couldn't see his face but it was already a sad sight to behold. The guy's mane and what I could see of his coat was gray, lifeless, and falling out in clumps before my eyes. Is this what I'm about to become? Surely this must be decades from now as the guy looks and sounds like he's pushing a hundred. I'd be shocked if I made it that far with the abuse my body takes and to be fair, it's my own fault. I just can't get a word out of my mouth though and I just stand there gawking awkwardly until a strange clicking catches my attention.

This clicking it...it sounds familiar. My future self must be fiddling with some sort of device as he sits there with his back turned to me. Much to my horror, I find out what he's about to do and as I see him slowly raise a snub nose type revolver and place the muzzle firmly against the side of his head, I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. I may be a mean, grumpy son of a bitch but even at my worst, I can't stand by and let somepony kill himself without trying to intervene.

"Don't...don't do it!!" I shout just before the stallion in the chair pulls the trigger.

The old gray stallion on the other side of the room freezes and his hoof shakes with the small handgun firmly in his clutch. I stand there shaking and preparing myself to try to talk him out of making such a terrible decision when he slowly lowers the gun and places it back down upon the desk. He then slowly spins around in his chair to face me and that's when my blood ran even colder than it usually does.

What I saw was a tired, frightened, confused, miserable, lonely husk of a pony. What I saw was me and what I was to become in the future and I didn't like it one bit. The shaking, quivering pegasus who used to be a bright, vibrant red was now totally gray and most of the feathers on his wings were all gone and the few that were left had all but shriveled up. As he sat there and stared back at me, I could see locks of his mane and coat falling out before my very eyes. I would soon join my future self in a series of trickling tears as he finally began to speak.

"Could it be?" The stallion, my own self in the future gasped as he stared at his younger, more vibrant former self. "Are you...am I here to...fix this?"

"What in the fuck happened to me!?" I sobbed as my older self slowly arose from his chair and began to hobble his way towards me. "What the...is this what happens to me when I get old!? Is this how my life ends!? I end up killing myself as a miserable old pony!?"

"Old? Caddy...who said this is what happens when you're old?"

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

"Caddy...Caddy, you stupid, imbecilic fool. You poor foolish bastard...you're forty-six years old at this point."

I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared now that I end up aging this badly and try to off myself in less than twenty years from now. I don't get it. I obviously succeeded with my business and have become a multi millionaire. I have a big mansion and everything I could have ever wanted. Why is this my fate!? Why does this happen to me!?

"W-what the fuck...why do I end up like this!? What happened to me at such a young age!?"

"What you're doing right now, Caddy." My future self replied. "You're slowly undoing everything you have in your life that could bring you any happiness. You're successful, sure. You do well for yourself and carve up a nice little slice of empty heaven but you unknowingly set yourself up for misery."

"How could somepony be miserable with a six thousand bit tossakin with a blue ribbon stuck to it's tank!?"

"You idiot!! You've chased away everypony who ever tried to get close to you!! You have not a single friend in the world because you can't get yourself to let anypony else within a hundred feet of you!!"

"W-what about Shining Armor and Cadence!? What about Twilight!?"

"You ended up telling them you never wanted to see them again on your thirtieth birthday, you asshole! You told them to fuck off and never speak to you again because they invited you to go on a trip with them you...you...you stupid son of a bitch, how could you do this to yourself!? To them!? Your only friends!! The ponies who wanted nothing more than to help you achieve happiness! They loved you and you broke their hearts and destroyed your own life! This is why you end up like this!"

"But I would never...not them..."

"Well, you did! And right in front of Flurry Heart too! You chased away anypony else who wanted to get to know you! You alienated yourself from your own family too! Your sisters, cousins, parents, and your nieces loved you more than you ever could have imagined! All for what? I still can't figure out why I just lost trust in my own kind, even my own flesh and blood."

I couldn't get another word out, I was too choked up. I was horrified that this is how I would end up, not because I aged so poorly but I could become so black hearted that I could do such a thing to my own kin and the few friends I had. I could have it all. The wealth, the mansion, everything money could ever buy but it would mean fuck all and bring me no joy. To become so sickly and so miserable and long for death because I was too mistrusting to even allow somepony to throw a smile my way. What have I done?

"This isn't good for ponies, Caddy..." My future self said softly as he placed an old gray hoof under my chin. "Ponies need friends, Caddy. We're social creatures, we're naturally programmed to long for friendship. We don't do well when we have nopony to love of love us in return...I just wish I would have learned that before it was too late."

"There's till time!" I gasped. "I can fix this! I survived being drugged, right!? I can change!"

"Will you? Would you do that for not only family and your friends but for yourself too? Please change your ways, Caddy, every moment you live in this state is agony. I'm so alone and in so much pain. Y-you've been hurt by so many others before but that's why you moved to Ponyville. To get a fresh start. You're letting them win by being the way you are. You're broken...but you can be fixed.

The tears of my future self began flowing again but I let out a scream and began quickly trotting backwards as the liquid flowing down his face had abruptly changed from clear to crimson. The worst form of the very deepest of depression where you cry tears of your own blood. Many ponies thought it was just a myth but it's said that if one cries blood, they have reached the true lowest of the low and the only way out was through death. I can't let this happen. I must change my ways before it's too late. I have hurt those around me for far too long. I've become a self destructive monster who despised his own kind and had not one friend he could turn to. I won't let this happen. I need to wake the fuck up and change this!

"Hm? Oh, this?" My future self inquired nonchalantly as he noticed my horror that was my own bloody tears. "Yeah, this actually happens a lot lately. It's pretty much the point of no return. Quite painful really. Seen enough?"

"Yes! I-I've seen more than enough!" I sobbed as I knelt down as if I was about to grovel. "I'll change, I swear! I won't let this happen to you! I'll make friends and cherish them! We won't have to live like this!"

"That's...all I could ever ask for...take care of yourself...be kind to others...let them into your life...not everypony is out to harm you..."

A sudden strong gust of wind overtook the room and the hallway, swiftly blowing out all the candles and ushering in a pitch black darkness. Just like before when I passed out, my head started to ache. As I watched the back void I occupied turn into a blinding white abyss again, my body began to feel really strange, almost as if I was laying down on my back.

"Be kind to others, Caddy." My future self echoed through the void. "Your whole life can greatly improve by doing just that. You need friends, Caddy. Everypony does."

"Haaahhh!" I yelped as I sprang awake.

Much like after my encounter with Applejack, I found myself in a nice, comfy hospital bed with all kinds of tubes and wires attached to me. Well, more this time than last. I must have had one bad fucking reaction to whatever Berry Punch spiked that drink with. I can't believe she even fucked me while I was drugged. Bitch.

I really shouldn't dwell on that right now because before long, I received visitor after visitor and they just kept coming. Cadence and Shining Armor obviously showed up along with Twilight and Flurry Heart. My mom, my dad, my two sisters and my nieces came to see me. Applejack came and bawled while hugging me tightly, Cheerilee, hell even Pinkie Pie came to drop off a card and some flowers. She didn't stay more than half a minute before she took off again. Sweet Faust, what have I done? I need to make things right with her.

I've been a terrible pony and still, I have so many others lining up to see that I'm making a full recovery. Apparently I almost died as I ended up being allergic to whatever shit that was. I decided not to press attempted equinicide charges against Berry Punch. Yeah, she really screwed me over but she didn't actually intend on killing me. Still though, I have some work to do when I get out of here.

I still can't get over just how many ponies came to see how I was doing. Even though I've been such an asshole to so many of them, still, they wanted to see me get well. I've been told that Ponyville takes care of their own and I'm seeing that first hoof. The least I can do is open up and show that I'm grateful for what everypony has done for me. It took a near death experience for me to come to this realization and I certainly won't squander this opportunity to change myself. From now on, I will no longer be pushing ponies away who wish to get close to me, both figuratively and literally. Also avoiding lashing out in anger couldn't hurt.

I can start by being more receptive to the help Cadence and Shining Armor want to give me. They're taking time from ruling the Crystal Empire just to make sure I'm going to be okay. I can't take this lightly. Well, now that I'm out of the hospital, I can think that over while at work. I need to get my shit straight there too, I haven't been able to focus lately. Little did I know though, I was in for one of the bigger shocks I've dealt with.

My Employees have opened the store this morning as I was unable to do so until now, so I trotted through the door to my store and no sooner that I stepped hoof inside, my employees got together and pushed me right back out. What the fuck are they doing!? I'm their boss! I've never seen such insubordinate behavior from them! I demand an explanation or somepony's getting fired!

"What gives!?" I snapped in utter disbelief that my own employees just shoved me out of my own place of business.

"Sorry, Caddy. You're taking some time off for health reasons." My assistant manager stated matter of factly.

"And just who in the hell decided that!? If I'm taking time off work, it's because I said so! I'm your boss, guys!"

"That you are, but so is Princess Twilight Sparkle."

One of my associates then hoofed a scroll over to my assistant manager who then unrolled it for me to read. Sure enough, it donned the seal of my friend Princess Twilight Sparkle herself. She had made some sort of royal decree involving me and my job.

By order of her royal highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is to take one full month away from his job or until his blood pressure levels (which are to be closely monitored) return to healthy levels, whichever comes first. Said staff has been tasked with seeing that Mr. Finz refrains from working until these terms are met.
Non negotiable.

"Get the fuck out of here." I stammered in disbelief of what I was reading.

"You get the fuck out of here." My assistant said as she shut the front door in my face.

Okay, so I've been kicked out of my own store and can't work for a month. I mean, I'm still making money because I own the place and ponies are still buying my shit but what the fuck am I gonna do for a month? Well, I could make some more friends like Cadence has been getting on my case about. With all this free time, a new perspective and a more open mind, I shouldn't have much trouble with that. In the meantime, I need to stock up on cigars and booze as I'm running dangerously low.

With my schedule cleared for who knows how long, I made my way to my favorite shop that sells all kinds of goodies for grownups. I loved the sweet aroma of those premium cigars sitting in that huge humidor in the tobacco isle, just waiting for me to light up and enjoy. Ah, and the huge selection of top shelf liquor for me to go home and get smashed on. The only thing that was amiss was that the clerk looked a bit nervous when I trotted in. That's odd, I'm always friendly to her, what could the issue be? I was about to find out as I placed my treasures up on the counter to pay for them.

"Um...Caddy?" The clerk said, sweat beading up on her brow.

"Um, yeah? What's up?" I asked, not knowing what to expect.

"So uh...I can't sell this stuff to you."

"Come again?"

Did they increase the drinking and smoking age or something? I mean, I just turned twenty-eight, there's no way that's the reason. Upon hearing this very unwelcome news, I tensed up and veins could be plainly seen jutting from my neck and forehead. This is probably why the mare behind the counter was so nervous. She probably thinks I'm about to blow up and take it out on her. Well, being a counter pony myself, I know what it's like to deal with asshole customers and for whatever reason she can't sell me this stuff surely wasn't her own decision. Okay, deep breaths, Caddy. Just relax and calmly get to the bottom of this.

"May I ask why not?" I said calmly.

"Because of this." The clerk said as she held up an open scroll with a shaky hoof.

By order of her royal highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is not to be sold any tobacco or alcohol products of any kind until further notice. This applies to any retailer within Equestria and the Crystal Empire, whom of which have all been alerted of said royal decree. Failure to adhere to this decree will result in fines up to and including revocation of retail license. Non negotiable.

"Okay, I get it. It's not your decision, you're just following orders." I said calmly in attempt to put the clerk at ease. "I can't rightly be upset with you."

"Phew. You had me worried for a minute there." The mare at the counter said with much relief. "I'm glad you understand, Caddy. The Princess has been worried about your health so she put this thing together to help you."

"Nice. Alright then, I'll be going. You have yourself a fine day now."

"You too, Caddy! Thanks again!"

Fuck you, Twilight. How could you do this to me? To her credit, she has good intentions. Twilight is my friend and she's doing what she thinks is best for me. She, Cadence and Shining Armor have very explicitly told me that they don't want to have to bury me before I reach thirty. I owe it to them to take better care of myself. Okay, so I can't work, I can't drink, nor can I smoke. What am I gonna do?

Okay, get a grip, Cadillac. This is the start of a new you. If not just for me, I'll do it for the friends I have and my family. I even have a new friend in Applejack and Cheerilee and I have started talking again. There are ponies all over the place I could talk to. Which reminds me...I have somepony in particular in mind. My first stop of the day will be Sugarcube Corner.

I took to the air and began making my way to Sugarcube Corner where I intended on making amends and setting things right with somepony I wronged. When I first moved to Ponyville, I told Pinkie Pie to go fuck herself when she tried to throw a welcoming party for me...among other shitty things I said to her. Told all the other ponies to get the fuck out of my house before I "blew their heads off", that kinda thing. It's a wonder why ponies around here buy anything from me. So anyway, before the day is through, I'm going over there to apologise and hopefully earn her forgiveness.

My trip to Sugarcube Corner wasn't without a small delay though, in the form of a unicorn stallion about my age calling up to me as he waved his hooves down below to grab my attention. Normally, I would have completely ignored somepony wanting to speak with me but I promised myself and Celestia in my dream that I would treat ponies better and not be so withdrawn. I also had the free time for once so I might as well just see what this guy wants.

"What's up?" I asked as politely as I could as I landed on the ground in front of the pony who wished to talk to me.

"Oh, thanks for stopping, Caddy!" The Stallion beamed. "I have a technical question for you. I'm trying to put my wheel back on my cart here and I don't know how hard to torque the lug nuts back on."

Okay, normally, I'd get pissed off that somepony would waste my time with this or first ask for a payment for information like this. This time...I'll bite the bullet and help a guy out. He seems nice enough and I see no signs of ulterior motives. I don't see any cronies of his sneaking up behind me to grab my wallet. Okay, I'll see what I can do. I proceed to glance over at the cart in question and offer some advice.

"You'll wanna torque those down to one hundred foot pounds." I said as I pointed at the wagon which was jacked up off the ground with its missing wheel lying underneath it. "Make sure to tighten them down in a star pattern too, otherwise it won't go on straight and it'll wobble."

"Thanks, Caddy!" The stallion beamed. "I really appreciate that!"

"No worries." I replied as I spread my wings and prepared to take off.

"Hey, we should hang out sometime. You've lived in ponyville for a little while now but not many ponies have actually gotten to know you. What do you say?"

"Huh...You know what, I suddenly have a surplus of free time. I just might take you up on that."

I flew off with a strange feeling that was quite unfamiliar to me. It was actually...nice. I actually stopped to help somepony out for absolutely nothing in return save for a nice feeling. I was going against my usual distrusting nature and I still had my wallet! He seemed to have no intentions on picking on or hassling me. Okay, maybe not everypony who approaches me is in it to hurt me. I could get used to that idea.

Well, I'm about to try it on somepony else as I swoop down in front of the doorstep to Sugarcube Corner. Not gonna lie, I'm a bit nervous. It has to be done though. I was a huge fucking prick to one of the nicest ponies in town and I need to clear my conscience. I pushed the door open and trotted on in to see that it must have been the slow hour as there was one customer at the counter with the bright eyed Pinkie Pie sending them off with a box of doughnuts. Turns out I wouldn't have to wait long.

I've bought stuff here before and despite my mistreating her before, Pinkie Always greets me with a wide smile as any other customer who trots in. Today was no different. I trotted past the first customer and up to the counter and sat on my haunches in front of the sweet mare at the counter. Judging by the obvious look I must have had on my face, she knew I must have had something to say and wasn't there to just buy a muffin.

Before I knew it, I was pouring what remained of my black heart out before Pinkie Pie and I thank Celesia there was nopony else there to witness it. For the first few minutes of my whining, she just stood there and gawked, she probably didn't see this coming. The recent near death experience I had changed my perspective on a lot of things and I knew I had some work to do in order to become a better pony.

After a few tears being shed, and some warm hugs being shared between Pinkie and I, the five o'clock rush was starting to pick up and I couldn't keep her away from her work any longer. I trotted out of Sugarcube Corner with a new friend and that weird, warm, fuzzy feeling I had before but now tenfold. Being kind to somepony actually felt really good. I need more of this and I need it now.

Caddy Sandwich: Part One

So, let's recap. I have been temporarily fired by my own employees and every store and bar within the nation and our neighbor to the North have been instructed not to sell me booze and cigars. Cadence is about to go back to the Crystal empire for a couple of days to attend to some shit before she comes back to keep an eye on me. Twilight and Applejack are too busy to hang out and shag respectively. I don't really know many other ponies around here, so I guess the only thing I can really do right now is get to know somepony.

On the plus side, it's not like I can't so much as set hoof in a bar, I just can't have booze. Bars serve soft drinks too so it'd be a perfect place to hang out and meet others. What have I got to lose? With nothing else to do, I get myself all cleaned up, spritz myself with some cologne, quaff my mane, and put on my trademark checkered tie. Not a look I'd call a pussy magnet but one I feel comfortable with and tonight, I'm just in it to hang out and see what's going on around the town.

It's a Friday evening, so there's no shortage of ponies who are out and about, doing whatever ponies do when they're done with the work day. Me, I'd normally just go home, whack off and get drunk but I can't quite do the latter, now can I? Cadence has confiscated my liquor stash so that pretty much narrows it down. I made my way to my usual local watering hole, trot up to the bar and set my ass down on the nearest empty stool. Frosty Mugs took notice and gave me the nervous look I was expecting.

"I already, know, Frosty." I say as I dismissively wave a hoof. "I'll just have a Cozy Glow soda."

With a sigh of relief, Frosty brings over the delicious cherry concoction, uncaps the bottle, sets it down before me and sticks a straw in it. I start sipping on it I look around the place to see many familiar faces that I haven't quite gotten to know yet. Since I had somewhat of a new outlook on socializing with my own kind, I felt more open to the idea of making friends and should anypony approach me, I will refrain from shooing them away. Ponies come up and talk to me everywhere I go so it's only a matter of time before...

"Hey." A pony says as she takes a seat next to me.

Called it. It never fails, ponies are always wanting to talk to me and get me out of my shell and now, I'm going to start letting them. I turn to my left to see the mare in question and I had to double take as I thought for a moment that it was my friend Shining Armor. The mare's coat was white and her mane and tail were a couple shades of brilliant blue, a lot like his. She was a unicorn and I couldn't help but take a glance down at her nice flank to see that her cutie mark was a musical note. She looks kinda like a punkish kinda girl and damn was she a cute one!

"Hey." I casually reply, trying to keep my cool.

"I've seen you around but I don't think we've met before." The unicorn mare said as she set her purple shades up on her horn. "I'm Vinyl."

She extended her hoof for the customary bump, to which I oblige.

"I'm Caddy. Yeah, I think I've seen you around town. So, what's up? Buy ya a drink?"

"Heheheh, I dunno dude, last time I checked, Cadence had you on some kinda probation."

"You know Cadence?"

"Yeah, and she told me you could stand to have somepony to talk to while she's out of town."

"She's always looking out for me. Yeah, I've had a bit of trouble and some hard luck lately."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Okay, I've seen her around town before. Most of the time, she's going about her business donning a pair of headphones. Turns out, she's a well known DJ around here and while talking to her, I feel very at ease and relaxed. I really like the vibes I'm getting from this chill, laid back girl. Too bad I can't drink with her, though since she started talking to me, I haven't seen her with any booze. Maybe she's trying to help me not feel left out, as she also orders a soda the next time Frosty came nearby. Huh, that's nice of her.

Vinyl and I very quickly hit it off and were comfortable sharing pretty much anything. We talked about past flings, what we like to do during our down time, even things that turn us on. We were opening up so fast, it almost felt like I've known her for years. Her down to Earth personality had me so comfortable, but what she said next, I did not see coming.

"Hey, you ever had a threesome?" Vinyl casually asked, nearly causing me to choke on my drink.

"Say again?" I asked.

"You know. Have you ever banged two mares at one time?"

I was starting to get a bit excited at this point.

"Can't say I have." I reply, playing it cool.

"Want to?"

"Oh? What'd you have in mind?"

"My girlfriend and I find a dude to take home and have fun with once in a while. You're pretty cool, so I figured hey, why not?"

"You want to...Huh, I thought you said you were gay."

"I am. She and I both are."

"And you can still have some dick?"

"You've never heard of that? That's actually pretty common. Lots of lesbian couples bang a dude together."

"That's news to me. Well, I'm game."

That seemed to strike a positive chord with her as she clapped her hooves together and gave me an enthusiastic grin. She looked genuinely excited to have me agree to go over and fuck her and her girlfriend. I'd rather not show it right now but I honestly haven't been this excited in...well, ever. I never would have thought a guy like me would be suave enough to pull something like this off.

After a little while, Vinyl and I decide to ditch the place and head over to hers. She told me that her girlfriend would be back from work soon and that she would most definitely be down to fuck. Luckily, Vinyl tells me that she has plenty of condoms at home as I refuse to bang a girl without one. On the way there, I got to stare at Vinyl's sweet booty as she lead the way and once she took notice of this, she even swished her tail around as she trotted, giving me a glimpse of what was in store for me later.

The house the couple lived in was interesting to say the least. One one side, it was giving a punkish kinda vibe while the other was an old school, classy kind of look. The inside was much of the same too. It was pretty cool and Vinyl told me that she and her girlfriend had nearly opposite tastes in music and lifestyle altogether but still managed to maintain a healthy and stable long term relationship. It was actually very heartwarming to hear. This Octavia sounds like a very nice pony. I can't wait to meet her...among other things.

So Vinyl and I end up just hanging out for a while and we down a few more sodas while we're at it. I potted a pack of cigarettes on the dining room table but Vinyl never smoked any while I was there, probably because she knew that I was trying to get off them myself. Yeah, I really like her, she's really cool and just hanging out with her puts me at ease. It wasn't long though before the front door swung open and I would soon get acquainted with Octavia.

The mare who stood at the door for a few seconds before trotting in was a gray Earth mare with a dark brown mane and tail. Her cutie mark was a pink double cleff and she sported a white collar with a cute little pink bowtie on it. On her back was unmistakably the case in which she keeps her cello that Vinyl told me about and on her face was the all too familiar furrowed brow brought by a shitty day. I've never been good at reading ponies but I don't think now is a good time. I would soon be proven right.

"Damn it, Vinyl!" Octavia snapped as she tossed her cello case into the corner of the room. "What did I say about bringing company over before telling me first!?"

"Lighten up, Tavi, you were out." Vinyl replied with a shrug. "How was I supposed to let you know if you weren't here?"

"Gaahh! I just wanted one day, just one fucking day to come home and relax in peace after work, but nooo, why should I get a break!?"

Jeez, doesn't this remind me of somepony. I know what it's like to have a shit day and want to relax but Octavia is just plain being a bitch. What's her problem? Either way, I should probably go but not without saying goodbye to my new friend Vinyl. That might be a bit tricky as the couple has trotted into the kitchen where their argument continued and proceeded to get louder.

"For the last time, Vinyl, I'm not running for mayor!" Octavia shouted in the other room.

"Tavi, relax, I wasn't even gonna bug you about that today!" Vinyl retorted.

"I didn't even like that story!"

"Okay, so maybe it wasn't his best work, but it didn't suck that hard!"

"Well, the mob one was the best!"

"No way! He'll never be able to top the one with the radioactive mutants!"

I agree with Vinyl, and I don't even know what they're arguing about at this point. Well, it looks like tonight was a bust, so I'm just gonna push the kitchen door open, say a quick goodbye to Vinyl and be off. Upon doing so however, I would end up finding out just why Octavia was in such a bad mood. I was just about to open my mouth but was stopped in my tracks by something that caught my eye. Vinyl was standing in front of Octavia with the latter's backside towards me, and that's when I saw her winking and dripping marehood. Octavia winced each time her pussy winked as she berated Vinyl, giving me a clear explanation for her shitty mood. Ahh, she's in heat. I get it.

I'd help her out with that if she wasn't so abrasive right now but I think I'm just gonna head out before things get awkward. As she stood in front of Octavia, Vinyl gave me a shrug and held both her hooves out towards her pissed off marefriend as if to tell me to have at her. Nope, you're on your own, Vinyl. Sorry but I'm not sticking my dick in somepony unless they look me dead in the eye and tell me to go ahead, and I really don't wanna ask right now. That, and I know what it's like to have somepony throw themselves at me when I don't want it. Consent is king.

After I turn around and trot over towards the front door however, I would get a real surprise as I put my hoof on the door handle. Before I can open the door, a gray hoof grabs my tie and pulls me around to face its owner, her pink eyes burning with frustration and desperation and a devious smirk on her lips. Maybe she doesn't want me to go just yet.

"And just where do you think you're going, stud?" Octavia pants as she firmly grips my tie.

Yup, I'm getting laid tonight.

Caddy Sandwich: Part Two

Okay, I need to think fast! I've got the horny and frustrated Octavia pulling me up the stairs by my tie with an excited Vinyl close behind and we're all about to fuck. Pleasuring a mare is one thing but now I have to satisfy two of them. I'm nervous. I can't just hop into bed and wait around for them to nudge me along, I have to take my own initiative and hope I've made the right move.

Think, Caddy, think! What will be my first move? Okay, let's see, Octavia is in heat right now so I'll have to focus on relieving her of her burning itch. I've got it! If I can get them both right where I want them, I think I can pull this off! Okay, Octavia is pushing the door open now, I just gotta stay confident. You can do this, Cadillac! Get in there and fuck those girls!

Octavia jumps on the bed first, me second and Vinyl afterwards. That's when I put my own plan into action. Gently, I coax Octavia onto her back where I turn right around and start going to town on her pussy. Almost instinctively, she starts sucking on my cock. I figured that a sixty-nine would be a good way to start out as it would give Octavia some much needed attention on her part and still leave Vinyl with something to do, which involves my balls.

Just as planned, Vinyl dives in and starts sucking on my otherwise neglected testicles and it's causing my dick to throb like never before. They're both really good at it and I better be too if I'm to come anywhere close to satisfying them. The way Octavia is massaging my rod with her warm tongue but I can't lose focus and compromise my attention on her wet, winking pussy. I'm not pulling any punches and I'm gonna make sure she comes tonight.

"Mmmwah!" Octavia moaned as she let go of me. "Hahh! Hahh! Ahhhahhahh!"

It seems to be working, Octavia has just popped my cock out of her mouth and started panting and moaning at the sensation. Though I fucking loved her sucking on me, it may not actually be bad if she lets up a bit. It'll increase the chances of me lasting longer. If I come too soon and go limp, then I'd have ruined the whole damn night for all of us. Vinyl is still having fun rolling my nuts around in her mouth which is fucking awesome but won't quite push me to a premature orgasm.

After a good, solid ten minutes of me dining on Octavia's marehood, she's absolutely soaking the bed sheets. But what about Vinyl? She's polishing my balls, but she's not getting much out of it. That gives me another idea. Yes, I think I can make this work! I put my next plan into action by getting up off of Octavia and laying on my back with my throbbing member held high for them to do what they wish. For good measure, I lick my teeth as I give both girls a sultry look. They didn't need words to tell them what to do next.

As a Cautionary measure, Vinyl uses her unicorn aura to slip a rubber onto my shaft as Octavia positions herself and sits down on my face where I continue to slurp at her steaming hot pussy. While I proceed to grip Octavia's flanks with my hooves and continue my work, I can feel Vinyl sinking down on my cock. Oohohoho yes. Ahh, she's fucking grinding on me down and she's damn tight. Being as wet as she is at this point, I'm going in and out with no resistance whatsoever.

The moans and squeals coming from Vinyl and Octavia are enough to turn me on so much and send my dick into a throbbing frenzy. Here's another little secret about me. There is nothing in this world that turns me on and gets me going more than a mare immensely enjoying a good fuck. Right now, I have two of them on top of me. If that wasn't enough, their moaning soon gives way to the sound of a sloppy makeout. I can't really see this right now but I can hear the two mares I'm banging burying their tongues down each other's throats as they face each other while on top of me.

Not only is Vinyl grinding on me but Octavia is now doing the same on my muzzle as both of them continue to moan. Vinyl all of a sudden is picking up the pace and soon, I can hear her hyperventilating. Damn, she's working hard! You go, girl! I'd tell her that verbally, but I've always been taught that it's impolite to talk with one's mouth full.

"Ahhhoooohhh!!" Vinyl screams as I feel her body shudder and a sudden spillage all over my pelvic area. "Ooh yeah! Ooh yeah! Mmmhmmmhmmm!"

If I'm not mistaken, Vinyl just came. Nice. She's slowed down to a stop and she's sitting on my erect dick, panting from her hard work. That'll do, sweetheart, that'll do. Now, It's Octavia's turn. Slowly, the two of them get up off of me and as soon as I get up off my back, I grip Octavia's flanks and push myself in. Vinyl takes a break underneath Octavia as the two quietly suck face as I slowly push in and out. Ooh yeah, nice and slow now. Oh fuck, she's clamping down on me so hard and everytime she winks, I can hear the wet, squishy sounds as my slippery cock slides in and out.

I'll keep up this nice slow and relaxing pace for a while. Octavia seems to like it and the longer I can draw this out, the more I can relieve this frustrated mare. In and out, in and out, I just keep going at it for as long as I can. I get the occasional adorable squeak from Octavia and I can hear plain as day while they swap spit underneath me. The room reeks of sex and it's getting fucking hot in here. I normally blare my air conditioner when I'm at home during the summer but I fucking love this kind of heat.

All three of us are hot and wet, covered in sweat and sex juices and I fucking love every second of it. All of these smells and sensations put together puts me into overdrive and my wings involuntarily flare out and start throbbing just like my cock. Gah, I can't keep up this slow pace anymore if I wanted to. Faster and faster, I pump in and out of Octavia, and as a result, her moans are louder and more frequent. I keep going and going and going, and that's when a sudden realization hits me.

I've never lasted this long before. Maybe it's because I've gotten some more practice in or maybe it's due to my having not smoked in weeks. I've never had such stamina before! This is fucking awesome! I'm fucking awesome! Never before in my entire life have I felt my confidence go so high, nor have I ever felt like a real stud. Why have I deprived myself of this shit for so long!? I feel so empowered! I feel like I can do anything!

"Hnngggahhh!!" Octavia screamed as she began gushing fluids all over me, Vinyl and the bed sheets. "Oh Fuhuhuhuck! Ahh yes! Yes!"

Alright, now the only one left is me. I fucking did it. I managed to make two mares come in one night and now I just gotta give these two an explosion they won't soon forget. With the condom still on for now, I then grabbed Octavia's flanks and fell backwards with her still on my dick. Knowing just what to do, Octavia turns to face Vinyl as the latter sits on my face and I dig right in.

As I eat out Vinyl and let Octavia bounce up and down on me, I can feel both of them shiver and shudder. Perhaps another orgasm is impending? Sure enough, both of them gasp and strain as more juices soak me as I lay underneath them and as gross as this sounds, I fucking love it. At this point however, I'm not far behind them. Good things always come to an end and I want to make the most of what's coming next. Oh fuck, this is gonna be a big one. I can feel it.

As I get closer and closer, I push both girls off of me, yank the condom off, sit on my haunches and let 'er rip. Rope after rope of steaming hot cum gushes out of my twitching dick and it's getting all over the girls. They moan and gasp as I splash them with burst after burst. Never in my life have I ever felt so high from an orgasm and just when it would normally stop, it just keeps going and going.

"Gahh!! Ahhh!!" I scream as I continue to empty my sac. "Oh fuck!! Oh fuck!!"

I'm getting these girls utterly soaked in my hot seed. Finally, the gushing fizzles out to smaller and smaller squirts until eventually, it merely drips. As I pant from the fatigue, I take a good look at my work and see two hot mares lying before me, covered in my own seed and juices of their own. I'm tired, my sac is spent and my dick is going limp and receding back into my sheath. My work here is done and now I can slide in between then and lay in our sticky fluids as I cuddle with two good friends of mine. Ah, fuck me, I just had a threesome!

"H-hey, C-Caddy." Vinyl pants as she tries to catch her breath while we all bask in the afterglow. "Don't tell Cadence but I think you earned this.

With her aura, Vinyl levitates a cigarette to my lips and proceeds to light if for me and then does the same for Octavia and herself. This...is fucking awesome. I know it's not good for me but I should at least be able to enjoy a post coitus cigarette. We all just lay there, puffing on our cigarettes in peace and quiet until Octavia finally breaks the silence.

"So um...Caddy, is it?" Octavia asks.

"Uh huh." I reply.

"I'm...sorry about being so abrasive before."

"You know what? I think you're more than forgiven at this point, so don't sweat it."

Author's Note

This scene is actually based on the very first porno I watched in the form of a VHS tape back in the day. I can't for the life of me find that particular scene anywhere. Oh well. Enjoy reading this but don't enjoy it TOO much.

Caddy Sandwich: Part Three

Banging two mares at a time took a lot out of me but to say it was more than worth it would be the understatement of the year. Not only was I lucky enough to score with two lovely ladies, I lucked out again as I have made two friends tonight and to top it all off, they want me to stay the night. After a much needed shower together, and washing the bed sheets, Vinyl, Octavia and I retire for the night and cuddle together to our heart's content.

If this isn't bliss, I don't know what is. We went to bed at eleven o'clock and the next morning, I slowly wake up and nod off again, fading in and out of sleep a few times. I don't have my glasses on so I can't see the clock on the nightstand right now. Slowly and carefully, I reach over to the nightstand to get my specs as to avoid disturbing my new friends and once I place them upon my face, I'm shocked to see how long I've slept.

"Nine o'clock?" I ask myself after I double take. "That means I've slept for ten hours."

I don't ever recall having slept that long but right now, I feel incredible. To get to fuck these two babes and sleep this long is putting me in the best mood I have ever been in. Nothing can possibly ruin my day. What else does the future hold for me during my time away from work. I'm absolutely giddy to find out and now that my two lovely friends are starting to come around, I can figure that out, and if I'm lucky, they'll be involved.

"Uhh...hey, morning, Caddy." Vinyl sighed. "So, did we treat you good or what?"

"I was gonna ask you too the same thing." I said with a wink.

"Mmm...wha? Ah, yes, last night was just what I needed." Octavia sighed.

We all decided to just take it easy for the day and lay there and talk for a while before actually getting out of bed. The cuddling was so nice, we almost wanted to stay in bed all day. As nice as that sounds, that's not my style. I'll get up and around...eventually. Well, whether I'm on temporary medical leave or not, there's still so much I want to do today. So many ponies to talk to.

Aw hell, I'll just get up to take a piss and rejoin my two new friends in bed for just a little while longer. It just so happens that just as I jump out of bed, Octavia does the same and trots behind me as I trot to the bedroom door. Just when it seemed like nothing could ruin this moment, this is where everything would start to go downhill from here. As I opened the door, I did what I assumed was common courtesy and held it open for my friend. I would soon find out that by doing so, I fucked up.

"What the..." Octavia gasped as she stared at the opened door for a moment and then back at me. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Oh shit!" Vinyl gasped while still sitting in bed, her hooves over her head and her eyes resembling saucers.

"Uhh...Isn't this common courtesy?" I asked, immensely confused as to why somepony would be upset by a simple act of decency. "I mean, wouldn't it be kind of a dick move if I just trotted through and..."

"You think I need a guy to open a fucking door for me!?" Octavia shouted, her eyes bloodshot and her ears folded back. "You think a mare can't open a Faust damned door herself!?"

"Well, Pardon me, would you rather I slammed it in your face?"

"I'd rather you refrain from objectifying me and treat me as an equal!"

"What the...Tavi, are you out of your mind!? I'd treat anypony like this!"

It was just then when Vinyl let out a horrified squeak that I know I had royally fucked up. I'd never seen such a look of pure terror on somepony's face that gave the vibe of knowing what was to come next. It seems that Vinyl is no stranger to such outbursts from Octavia. It's best that I leave promptly. Vinyl would agree.

"Caddy!! Ruuuuuun!!" Vinyl screamed as she jumped out of the bed and pulled the mattress over herself to use as cover.

"Nopony calls me 'Tavi' except Vinyl!!" Octavia screamed as she galloped up to me and laid the broad end of her cello directly on the top of my head as hard as her Earth pony strength and raging hormones would allow.

I was seeing stars and little birdies flying around when Octavia bashed me over the head with her heavy wooden instrument. She hit me so hard that my head went clean through the boards and I was now wearing it as a collar at this point. Just as I tried to gather my bearing and stumble towards the nearest exit, I would learn that my nightmare was far from over.

"You broke my cello!!" An ever more furious Octavia screamed, veins now bulging from her forehead and neck.

Thinking as quickly as I could after being bopped over the head, I manage to wrestle what was left of the expensive instrument off of me and book it towards the door. Much to my dismay, a much angrier set of hooves in on hot pursuit with a more frightened and concerned pair behind them. I make it out of the door and take to the air in order to make my escape. I look back every few flaps to see Octavia relently chasing me and Vinyl just behind her attempting to calm the hormone crazed mare.

It would turn out that being smoke free was going to be somewhat of a saving grace as my attacker finally began to tire after a head turning chase through town. Ponies going about their business were all staring at us as Octavia shouted all kinds of obscenities that even I try not to use. Hmm, she must be from Trottingham if she throws around the word c...nevermind.

I couldn't help but stop and turn around to face the gasping and panting Octavia whom held onto her destroyed cello as she seemingly had given up the chase. I put my hooves over my flanks and hovered about twenty feet off the ground and glared down at her as I prepared to throw in my own two bits.

"YOU'RE WELCOME!" I yelled down at Octavia as I felt that I had done her a great service last night.

At that, the raging gray mare suddenly placed the broad end of the cello on the ground and strung a bow on the strings as if knocking an arrow onto...well, the other type of bow. Ah shit, now she's gonna start shooting at me. I should have just kept going and kept my fucking mouth shut.

"This one's for portraying me as straight in your stupid 'Clusterfuck' story!" Octavia shouted as she opened fire.

Ptwang!

"Oof!" I grunted as she landed a direct hit on my stomach. Much to my misfortune, she readied another shot.

"This one's for shipping me with Caramel!"

Ptwang!

"Ouch! Hey, I wasn't the first one to do it!"

"This one's for the sequel to your 'Mobsters' story that wasn't absolutely horrid but at the same time didn't hold up like the original!"

Ptwang!

"Guh!"

"And this one's because I fucking love you and your amazing work, you magnificent bastard you!!"

Ptwang!

Octavia literally shot me down and at this point, she was sobbing into the chest of Vinyl whom was finally able to bring her under control and had begun dragging her home. After the pain in the wing subsides, and I'm done lying on the ground, I'm just gonna limp my ass back home and try to forget this whole thing...well, except the sex. That was fun.

"Oh, Caddy!" A suddenly much more chipper and upbeat Octavia called over to me as Vinyl continued to push her towards home. "We totally need to have some fun again sometime! Call uuus!"

Fuck you, hormones.

Hello? Equine Resources?: Part One

I spent the rest of that day with an ice pack on my nuts. Octavia managed to hit me there with one of her cello bows. Do I regret anything that happened the night before? Fuck no. And if I can catch those two when neither of them are in heat, I'd fuck both of them again without a second thought. Until then, I've still got time off work and a town waiting for me to aimlessly trot around in it and initiate conversation with other members of my species. I mean, we are social beings after all, right?

Normally I'd say to Tartarus with socializing but with a new and improved outlook on ponykind and nothing better to do with all this free time, I plan on doing just that. I have a few small errands to run in town anyway but first things first when I wake up in the morning. Gotta take my morning dump before I head out. It's a bit of a process for me, I gotta take some safety precautions. As George Carlin once said, your own farts smell okay. Most ponies could go read comic books in the closet with no problem. Me? Mine are so bad, they bother me.

I do what I always do every morning and tightly shut the door to my bathroom off from the rest of the house. I have it sealed with a big rubber gasket as to keep any gas from leaking in. With my window wide open, a big fan blowing out of it and my gas mask firmly strapped to my face, I sit on my porcelain throne and start pushing out some nuclear scorchers. Even through the gas mask, I can still get somewhat of a whiff of the abominations plopping into the toilet bowl and I have to act quickly as to avoid passing out.

Normally, right now would be the last time anypony would want to bother me as the state of any trees and bushes unfortunate enough to have been growing near my bathroom window would be a good hint to steer clear. At least ponies who live here in town know that. Not so much those who come from a long distance to check on me to see how I'm doing. For a certain nosy pink friend of mine, her curiosity will most likely be the death of her.

"Good Morning Caddy!" My dear friend Cadence beamed with a smile as she poked her head into my bathroom window, assuming that its open state was some sort of an invitation.

"No, Cadence, don't!!" I scream through my gas mask as I frantically wave my hooves around.

It was too late. As I tried to quickly finish my loaf pinching, Cadence stood at my open window as her eyes began to water and part of her mane became slightly singed. Within seconds, she was passed out cold on the ground, laying there twitching in a patch of dead, dried up grass. Ah shit.

Two hours later...

I managed to quickly finish dropping bombs in my toilet and get Cadence out of the fallout zone before it was too late and after a while of fanning her with my wings, she faded in and out of consciousness until she finally became stable. The sudden swelling of her cheeks was an indication that she required a bucket, which I brought to her just in time. After a while of tossing up her breakfast and taking deep breaths in between some sips of cold water, she decided that she had some choice words for me.

"How..." Cadence began in between deep breaths. "How is this possible? How does something so unholy come out of a living pony's body?"

"Couldn't tell you, Cadence." I said with a shrug.

"I bet I know. Get me a quill and some parchment, bucko. Now."

Wondering why she needed such items, I went to my into my study and fetched them for my badly weakened friend. Without a word, she promptly began writing a letter which from looking over her shoulder, I could see it was bound for Twilight. I couldn't see the rest of it, so what exactly she was sending to our mutual friend was anypony's guess. When she was done, she used her aura to send it and it disappeared with a bright flash and a loud snap.

"What was that all about?" I asked quizzically.

"Just get out of here and get some fresh air." Cadence huffed as she stumbled towards my front door. "You'll find out soon enough."

Once we were out the door, Cadence and I parted ways for the time being. I can't keep her from her duties with my self destructive antics any longer so she can only pop in for a moment to make sure I'm at least still alive. Shrugging off the letter she sent to Twilight simply being a complaint about the ungodly stench of my bowel excretions, I took to the air towards town with my first destination already in my sights.

I can already taste that juicy breaded and fried eggplant in between the slices of a buttered bagel, squished between several slices of gooey cheese. That's what I call breakfast and like I mentioned before, all I have to do is hover over the stand selling them, drop some bits down and catch what she throws to me. Well, I'm fungry, so I'm not wasting any time. And in case you're wondering, no, that f in place of an h wasn't a typo, I'm totally fungry which is just my own way of saying "I'm fucking hungry!"

Now that I'm in position, I reach into my wallet, pull out the same little hoofful of bits I always do and drop them down to the pony at the stand. Within two seconds, I'm greeted with my breakfast flying up to me and as always, I catch it like a pro buckball player. As always, I open up the little box expecting my greasy, gooey deliciousness to be instead greeted by...

"The fuck's this shit!?" I barked as I opened my box to find a bundle of celery sticks and baby carrots.

Normally, I wouldn't have time to stick around and bitch about it but since I don't have to work and only have a few small errands to run today, I plan on getting to the bottom of this. Calmly and gracefully, I flutter my way down to the ground to meet the young lady who sells me my breakfast every morning to clear up what must simply be an honest mistake.

"Uh hey, Canola Oil..." I addressed the mare politely as I held up my open box of what I totally didn't order. "You seemed to have sent these up by mistake."

"Oh, I'm sorry Caddy, but this was actually no mistake." Canola Oil replied with a nervous chuckle.

I know that look. Uh-oh, Cadence, you didn't. Yup, she's pulling a scroll out from under her counter, she totally did. Lo and behold, does she unroll it for me to see plain as day. I gotta admit though, I'm impressed by how quickly laws are passed here in Equestria.

By order of Her Royal Highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is not to be sold to by any establishment any type of food that has been processed by means of frying in oil, fat, or grease of any kind until further notice. Failure to abide by said decree will result in revocation of vending permits. Non negotiable.

"Oooh, now I see what she did there." I said. "Okay, well I'm still fungry so I guess this shit will have to do."

I opened up and stuck a stick of celery into my gob, took a bite off of it, and began to chew. It was bitter as all hell, tough to chew through and just plain fucking disgusting. I hate celery and carrots aren't exactly my favorite either. I hope I can at least drink anything other than water.

"Ugh, you got anything to wash the taste out of my mouth?" I asked, hoping for something to drink.

"Uh, lemme see..." Canola Oil replied as she disappeared under her counter in search of something.

I could hear her rummaging through her things under there and by the sounds of it, her inventory was currently quite limited. After a moment of items being shuffled around, Canola Oil finally returned from underneath her counter with the choices.

"Okay, right now I only have Faygo soda and crab juice." Canola Oil said with a shrug.

"Auuggh, bleahh!!" I cringed with disgust at one of the options that was presented to me. "I'll have a crab juice!"

Hello? Equine Resources?: Part Three

"D-Derpy! What are you...ooooohhh." I gasp and then moan as my own employee wraps her lips around my dick.

Oookay, I guess I'm getting a blowjob from my part time delivery mare whether I like it or not. For the record, I love it. Fuck it all, you only live once. Ahh, fuck, it's throbbing so hard it almost hurts. There are so many factors contributing to my boner and i've never once in my life seen it get this big. Okay yeah, I'm not about to tell Derpy to stop, the thing's begging for a soft, warm pair of lips and a soaking wet tongue to get it all slicked up.

She's so good at it! Derpy's kind of a clutz but she's sucking me off like a champ! I would have thought she'd nick me with her teeth but she's not kidding around here! My eyes started rolling back into my head and my tongue hung out of my mouth as I leaned back against my nearby work bench and let her go to town.

After a few minutes of her bobbing her head up and down on me, I get the urge to stroke her mane so I gently place my hooves on her head and proceed to doing just that. Wow, she uses some premium shampoo. At this angle, I get a slight whiff of her silky smooth mane and I daresay it smells like some sort of honey shampoo. I find it quite odd that I notice such things while she's busy going back and forth shampooing my dick and balls though. Finally, she pops my left nut out of her mouth and looks back up at me like I'm her favorite new boy toy.

"Caddy?" Derpy panted as she looked up at my with stars in her eyes and drool all over her mouth.

"Yeah, Derps?" I cooed as I continued to stroke her mane.

"What's the standard running temperature of your engine?"

That's...huh, random. why would she ask that as she's giving me head. Eh, fuck it, I know the answer so I might as well just tell her.

"Erm...eighty-five degrees celsius." I replied.

"M-metric! Ohhh my god." Derpy squeals with glee. "What's the compression for the cylinders?"

"Fifty-nine kilograms, baby."

"S-sooo smart."

I'm starting to like this. Holy shit, she's turned on by intelligence. Why can't more mares be like that? Maybe there wouldn't be so many dumbass mother fuckers in the world if only the smart ones could breed. Here's something I know about Derpy that not many others do and it pisses me off that she doesn't get the credit she deserves. Derpy is not dumb like just about everypony in town thinks she is. I have applicants do an IQ test when I hire them and My newest little knob polisher here is one smart cookie. I wouldn't have her working for me otherwise.

"Caddy? C-can I ask you something a bit personal?" Derpy panted.

"We can't get much more personal than this." I cooed with a smirk. "Fire away before my dick does."

"I've always wanted to know. What's your IQ?"

"A hundred and thirty-nine, sweetheart."

"Oooooohhhh!!"

After letting out a scream, Derpy suddenly threw off her lab coat, sprang to her hooves and bent herself over my work bench with her tail as high as it could go and slightly held to the side. The look on her face was that of desperation and she began to pant to the point of nearly hyperventilating. Her winking marehood was soaking wet and begging for attention. I may have Asperger's and with that, difficulty with reading social cues, but I think I'm reading this one loud and clear.

"Oh, Caddy, fuck me!" Derpy screamed.

Without a moment's hesitation, I threw off my lab coat, hopped myself up and over top of my partner, set my fore hooves on the bench next to hers and shoved myself in. She was already soaking wet as was my cock from her sucking on it, so no lube required. Her pussy was so fucking silky but not as tight as others I've had. Derpy's a mom after all. Not complaining though, she's fucking amazing and I'm starting to like getting to know my employee on a whole new level.

As I pump in and out of this cute pegasus underneath me, she lets out some really passionate moans and squeals. I've mentioned before, when a mare enjoys it, I enjoy the fact that she's enjoying it, thus motivating me to work harder and increasing her level of enjoyment. It's a cycle that I tend to enjoy. Funny, just a couple short months ago, I hadn't had sex in years and now, I'm starting to get good at it.

As I pick up the pace and start to go faster and faster, the more Derpy soaks my workbench with drool. I must be doing a good job. We're both getting so into it that we completely ignore the sudden commotion just a few feet away from us. The sound of what I assumed was my engine suddenly revving up followed by a loud crash would have to wait. Right now, I'm getting a sweet piece of flank and I'm gonna fuck her til her eyes are straight. I'm glad I didn't actually say that to her, I'd have to fire myself for an Equine Resources violation. Forget the fact that my dick is inside her.

"Yes! Fuck me, boss!" Derpy screams. "Fill me-ahh! Fill me up with your big, hard piston!"

I'm not really that big but I'm quite flattered. Well, as per her request, I proceed to going even faster and slapping against her even harder. Oooh, her sweet little ass is so...soft! It's a jiggly, fleshy cushion that...well, jiggles as I rut her. More cushion for the pushin'! I like it! The best part about this whole thing is that I still don't feel winded. I guess quitting smoking is paying off.

I'm not about to splooge quite yet but I'm getting close. I wanna really get acquainted with this squishy tushy of hers before it's all over though, so I pick my fore hooves off the table and grab her just a little bit behind her cutie mark. Ohhh yeah, this is good. I think I can last a few more minutes before I cum though, so I'm gonna see that she does before I do.

After another minute or two, I ended up successful in satisfying Derpy. She made it all too clear by her passionate screaming out of intense pleasure. The concrete floor in my garage was getting soaked in her juices and in just a minute now, mine too. I don't have a rubber and I don't wanna get my own employee pregnant, so I'm gonna pull out when the time is right. Remember, my seed is really fucking potent. How, I have no idea since I'm by no means a healthy male. I'd hate to think of it getting even stronger as my health improves from my better diet and lack of smoking and drinking.

I'm about to fucking explode so I quickly pull out of Derpy, aim for the spot right between her wings and let 'r rip. Now, I have an average sized shaft but my balls are a little on the larger side, that's why I tend to fire off a few more rounds. I'm a crack shot with a gat and evidently, pretty accurate with my own piece that I was born with so I had no trouble hitting right between her wings. I've always wanted to do that and Derpy just so happens to be the first Pegasus girl I've banged. The first mare I lost my virginity to at eighteen and the second one after that were both Earth ponies.

Well, finally, we were both spent and after I was done gushing out a bunch of seed, I stumbled backward and sat on my haunches as my rod retreated back into my sheath. After standing there panting for a moment, Derpy followed suit and fell backward, landing right into my waiting arms. She did that on purpose, clever girl. We were both high as fuck from the pleasure and I held her close as we slowly came down from it.

I like her. I like her a lot. I really had no idea that she admired me so much before and I say a pay raise and a promotion to full time is in order for her. You know what? Maybe screwing my help isn't so bad afterall. Maybe I can bang her over my desk in my office at the store. Whatever I gotta do, I want this girl to be able to quit her post office job and work for me forty hours a week. Who knows? Maybe something totally beautiful could blossom from this whole thing.

"Um...Caddy?" Derpy said after turning her head to our left.

"Yeah, sweet tush?" I cooed as I sniffed her mane and nibbled on her ear.

"Was that big gaping hole in your garage door there before?"

"Huh?!"

I looked to my left just as my lovely assistant had and sure enough, my steel overhead garage door had been crashed through and my creation, the Cadillac was gone. How the fuck did this happen?! There was nopony in it to shift into drive gear! Wow, Derpy and I must have been really going at it if we didn't hear my vehicle break free. Derpy and I were both quite concerned, so we sprang to our hooves and bolted over and out the big hole to see tracks from the wheels leading towards town.

It was getting dark out but not quite to the point where Ponyville's street lamps start to glow and yet for some reason, an orange glow was indeed lighting up the sky right above town. After a moment of standing there trying to put the pieces together, the faint screams from several of the townsponies could be heard from off in the distance. Great minds think alike and Derpy and I turned to each other with our ears folded back and the looks of utter horror on our faces when the sudden realization that Ponyville was on fire dawned on us.

Derpy and I had no time to bask in the afterglow and instead had to find out what was causing our town to glow. Still covered in spunk, we both flew to the town as fast as our tired wings would allow. Once we had landed right on the outskirts, we were greeted with what appeared to be judgement day. Ponies were frantically darting about in all directions and screaming in terror. Fire fighters had their hooves full as there were more buildings engulfed in flames than they were equipped to handle and medical workers were attending to a quickly growing number of injured members of our community. What could have caused such carnage?

We had to find out who or what had caused such horrendous damage to our hometown and brought harm unto our friends and neighbors. Suddenly, a local police mare zipped by bound for the center of town, the lights and siren strapped to her back blaring away. It might be dangerous but if we follow her, we might get to the bottom of this and find out if there was a way we could help.

"Come on!" I called over to Derpy as I spread my wings and gave chase to the police pegasus.

Derpy and I wasted no time and were following right behind the officer as she zipped through the town and around buildings that may or may not have been spared any damage. As we neared the center of town, we could hear a series of strange crashing sounds followed by flurries of random debris and even ponies flying up in the air whether they had wings or not. Upon getting closer still, the unmistakable sound of an angry engine revving and wheels screeching against the streets.

Just as we rounded a corner, the police mare suddenly stopped midair and drew her revolver. Seconds later, the culprit who was responsible for the mayhem zoomed in and screeched to a halt as every officer in town rushed it. My own creation, the engine driven carriage I had spent years of my life, blood, sweat, and tears building and perfecting had been zooming around town and running down everything and everypony in its path.

"Fire!!" One of the higher ranking officers commanded the group.

I knew it simply wouldn't work. Though well intended, the low caliber weaponry that was Ponyville Police Department standard issue wouldn't be nearly enough to stop this beast. As the menacing machine sat there and revved, getting ready to charge, the officers pelted it with round after round leaving nothing but small dents and chipping some of the paint off. It was no use. After receiving a barrage of thirty-eight caliber bullets, my Cadillac screeched its wheels and charged at the officers who were unfortunate to have been born without wings. Thankfully, they all managed to dive out of the way in time but the next victims might not be as lucky.

If somepony gets killed because of this monster I created, I'll never forgive myself. I've got to stop it and I think I know how I can do that. Unfortunately, my means of doing so is at home, locked up in a safe. I have no other option though. I have to fly back home and retrieve what I will use to put a stop to this madness and save my town and my neighbors.

"Derpy! I have to get something from home!" I shouted as I prepared to make my way back. "Go and help any way you can! I'll be right back!"

Before Derpy could even think of a reply, I took off and bolted back the way I came, bound for home and my secret weapon I would use on my own creation. I worked so hard to build, polish, tune, and bring life to it but having brought it into this world, I would be the one to take it out.

My quitting smoking in a way may actually indirectly help save this town. Never before in my life have I flown so fast so far without having to stop for a breather. Thankfully, I hadn't locked my front door which bought a few precious seconds of time. I made my way to my bedroom, ripped one of the pictures off my wall revealing a safe and busily turned the knob to unlock it. Adrenaline was rushing through my blood at full bore and after a few failed attempts, I took a deep breath and slowly turned the knob to the correct digits and with after the telltale click, pulled the door open, revealing what would restore the peace.

A divine light and the sound of angels singing came from the safe as it opened and I wasted no time reaching in and grabbing out an obscenely massive fifty caliber magnum five shot revolver. The selling point was that the rounds from this baby could go through a cast iron engine block and I was about to put that to the test. Time is of the essence. I have to get back to Ponyville and put an end to this.

I bolted back to the town and saw something that just made my fucking skin crawl. The screaming had gone, there were no ponies on the streets everything was dead silent. On the plus side, most of the fires seemed to have been put out and the ponies of the town that hadn't yet been carted off to the hospital had all found a place to hide. Slowly and quietly, with my magnum loaded and secured in my holster, I trotted down the streets in search of the monster I created. My ears darted this way and that, trying to pick up any sound, any sign to give away the location of the beast I sought after.

Finally, the loud, angry revving of a hot V8 engine screamed in the distance. I spread my wings and took off towards the sound and it wasn't long before I found what I was looking for. The evil machine sported its fair share of dents and dings but save for that, it was pretty much unscathed. I built the think like a tank so taking it out would be especially difficult. The creepiest thing of all was it just sat there menacingly as it went out of its way to intentionally search for ponies to run over. It needed to die.

I can't fire a shot while flying and hope to hit anywhere near my mark. Nopony can. Plus, if I was gonna stop this thing, I had to be facing it head on and hit it in the right spot. Right through the center of the radiator which the slug would then shear the cooling fan clean off and proceed right into the engine and lock up the camshaft. Now that I knew what I was going to do and how I was going to do it, I had to get down there and just do it.

"Hey!" I called over to my machine as I plopped back onto the ground about fifty yards away from it. "I'm wide open, big guy! Come on over!"

"Bwaaamf!!" The vehicle honked its horn as it screeched around to face me.

"Whatcha waiting for!? Outta gas!?"

"Vroom!"

"Fraid you're gonna blow a gasket?! Worried about losing a lug nut!?"

"Vroom!!"

"Whassa matter?! You scared that you're gonna scrape your pretty little polished wheels?!"

"Vroom!! Vrooooom!"

Screeeeeeeech!!

"Come and get meeeeee!!!"

I've been close to death before but the last time I was, I was unconscious and unaware of my situation. Right now, I am face to face with a three ton steel machine with mini explosions happening within enclosed cylinders keeping it running. If things don't work out according to plan, the possibility of me dying is very real. With the menacing monster screaming towards me at full throttle, I make my move.

I lean back as if I were about to sit on my haunches but instead stand up on my two back legs, my left one in front of my and my right behind me, like the stance a diamond ball pitcher would take when he's about to pitch. Like a flash, I grab my hoof held cannon and take aim. As the monster I created barrels towards me with intent on killing its own creator, I cock the hammer back and line up the sights dead center with the radiator.

This gat's gonna kick like Applejack so I held on tight and waited for just the right time and the right distance between me and my own machine that I built and now wanted me dead. I took a deep breath and as I slowly exhaled as to help keep my aim steady, I pulled the trigger. The shot from the massive fifty caliber revolver boomed and echoed through the entire town. I even saw a few windows open and ponies poke their heads out to see what was going on.

Within seconds, the speed that the Cadillac was zooming towards me was rapidly decreasing and I could see that it was leaving puddles of motor oil and coolant in its wake. As it slowed down to a putt putt, I could hear the internal metal parts of the engine clanging and clacking together as smoke poured from the back end and from the new hole I had created in the front. Finally, the three ton battering ram chugged its last cylinder stroke and sputtered to a halt a mere ten feet from where I stood. After one last backfire, fluids of every kind proceeded to gush from the now destroyed machine. It was finally over.

"Caddy!" Derpy sobbed loudly as she zoomed over and hugged me tight. "You did it! You stopped it and saved the town!"

Upon witnessing me put a bullet through the beast that had destroyed so many homes and injured members of my community, ponies began rushing out of hiding and quickly lifted me up before proceeding to cheer for me. Cheering that I didn't deserve. I was the one who brought this monster unto them, all I did was what I had to in order to keep it from killing somepony. Much to the cheering crowd's confusion, I spread my wings and hopped off of them and turned around to tell them all the truth.

"I'm not a hero!" I addressed the crowd. "I'm the one who made that thing! I'm the reason ponies got hurt! I...I'm sorry everypony!"

With my head hung low in pure shame, I re-holstered my weapon and slowly trotted my sorry ass back towards home. Ponies gave me some very confused looks as I tried to hide my face with my wings. I didn't want them looking at me. They didn't seem to be angry with me but they had every right to be. I've done a lot of hurtful things to others and I've been trying to change that and redeem myself. I caused a hell of a lot of pain today and right now, I just wanted to get home, hop into bed and cry myself to sleep.

As I slowly trotted away, I could hear the now dead machine explode and I looked behind me to see it engulfed in a huge fireball as fire ponies rushed in to put it out. It made me sick to look at it. I had to get out of there. As I shed my guilty tears, I turned around and galloped home as fast as I could so a few ponies as possible could see the pathetic loser that is Cadillac Taille Finz.

All these years...totally wasted...

Broken by Kindness: Part One

I haven't felt this low in years. I couldn't even get myself out of bed for the entire day after what happened the other night. Ponies from the neighborhood have dropped by over the past few days to check on me and it did make me feel quite a bit better when I heard the death toll was zero. I couldn't live with myself if somepony died at my hooves. Derpy even stopped by to offer some encouragement as well. As much fun as I had with her the other night, we both agreed that we should probably keep our sex organs to ourselves from here on out.

It's been a few days since I left my house and I spent a lot of time cleaning up the messes in my garage, biological or otherwise. Other than that, I've just been moping around the house. For real, have you ever worked so tirelessly on something for years to achieve a scientific breakthrough just to have to put a damn bullet through it? Cut me some slack, it fuckin' hurts, okay?

Right now, I'm bored out of my skull but I'll probably wait until tomorrow to show my face around town. In the meantime, I'm horny and my balls are starting to get heavy so I'm just gonna go ahead and take care of business. I have stacks upon stacks of dirty magazines in my office at home and today, I have a certain part of my collection in mine. Lately, I've been getting a decent amount of pussy from mares but I'm in the mood for something else.

With a box of tissues, a big ass bottle of lube and a certain silicone *ahem* instrument, I head into my office, lay the magazine down on my desk and start getting myself going. These particular magazines are actually quite rare as there exist very few photos of the types of scaly beauties I'm looking at. Yeah, I have a dragon fetish, okay? I've always wanted to fuck one so these magazines will have to suffice until I get really lucky.

It doesn't take long for me to get hard as I start rubbing and tugging at myself while I admire a particularly sexy blue one bent over and showing the goods as she looks back at the camera with half lidded eyes. Whew, it's getting hot in here. Once I'm hard enough, I start lathering up my cock and with my favorite toy in my hooves, I push myself into it. Remember, my toy isn't a dildo, it's a pocket thingamafucker or whatever you call it and it's supposed to look like a dragon pussy.

Once I get myself all lubed up, I shove myself into it and push and pull back and forth as I turn the page to see a knockout of a dragoness pleasuring herself with a pony shaped dildo. That's my favorite picture. I keep going and occasionally turn the page to be greeted with more pictures of some sweet scaly booty. Damn, Spike, you have some good taste! Yeah, in case you're wondering, Spike, the little purple dude who lives with Twilight gets these and sells them to me...but you didn't hear that from me. He even wears a little trench coat when we meet up in a back alley to deal.

Shit, this feels good. After several minutes of pushing, pulling, and occasionally adding more lube, I start to get close. I've noticed that I've been lasting longer than usual. Might have something to do with the somewhat steady stream of sex I've been getting lately. Ooh, almost there. Ahh, any second now, I'll be spraying my seed into a hoof full of tissues, or possibly the little waste basket I keep under my desk if I have a lot of it. Ahh, fuck! Here's that clench! I'm gonna...I'm gonna...

"Hey, Caddy, Just thought I'd-oh my god, what the fuck did I just trot in on!?" My dear friend Cadence blurted out as she burst into my office with no forewarning whatsoever.

"Gahhh, dammit, Cadence!!" I screamed as I could no longer hold in the contents of my balls.

To say this was awkward would be a grave understatement. The worst part about all of this was that my toy slipped out of my hooves, leaving my dick to flail about in whatever direction it wanted to as it erupted. It all seemed to happen in slow motion and I screamed in utter terror as a stream of my cum sailed across the room, bound for the tip of Cadence's muzzle. I'm royally fucked.

Sure enough, it splattered all over Cadence's muzzle and she winced at the impact. After a few seconds of standing there with my spunk dripping down her face, she finally opened her eyes and wiped a small amount of it off with her hoof and proceed to take a small sample with her tongue.

"Hmm...your health is definitely improving." Cadence said as she tasted my splooge. "Last time I tasted it, it tasted like antifreeze."

"You've been tasting my jiz!?" I screamed.

"Tee hee, lighten up a bit, it's not like I you're not one of my closest friends or anything. So look, I heard you had a rough night a few days ago and your friends are worried about you because you haven't left your house."

"You...have no...idea."

Feeling somewhat better about having splattered all over my friend, we both got ourselves cleaned up and before I could fill her in on what she missed, she removed an odd instrument from her saddlebag and proceeded to fit it around my arm. I had no idea what she was doing but I didn't like how this thing squeezed me tighter and tighter every time Cadence stepped on this weird little air pump or whatever it was.

"What are you doing?" I asked quizzically.

"I'm checking your blood pressure, Caddy." Cadence replied, somewhat confused. "Have you never seen one of these before when seeing a doctor?"

"I uh...I haven't seen a doctor since I was a foal."

"That explains a lot. Hmm...your blood pressure has really improved!"

She then took out this weird little doohickey that had two ends going into her ears and another with a flat disc like end that she placed over my chest. After a few seconds of holding it there, her eyes lit up.

"Your heart rate doesn't scare me anymore!" Cadence beamed. "Now here, step on this."

Cadence then produced a scale from her saddlebag and laid it on my floor before me. She was really putting in a lot of care and effort into monitoring my health, so I happily obliged.

"You've lost twelve pounds!" Cadence beamed. "Looking good, you big hunk you!"

"Eh heh heh. Thanks." I reply with a blush.

"One last little thing."

Cadence then produced a small syringe from her bag, wiped a spot on my arm with an alcohol pad and began drawing blood from me. I guess she's probably gonna check that too. After she had a small sample, she proceeded to light up her horn as to cast some sort of spell. With a few flickers of her aura, she seemed to have been satisfied with the results.

"Good news, Caddy." Cadence beamed with a smile. "You'll no longer give the mosquitos diabetes and I'm confident that you won't die of a heart attack."

"Well...I was feeling pretty shitty but you just made my day!" I replied, thankful for having such a wonderful friend in Cadence.

"You'll start having a better day once you get outside and enjoy the weather. Now come on, it's a beautiful day out there."

"Wait, what about the ponies around town? Aren't they pissed off about what my machine did?"

"You have got to lose that Trottski mentality."

"I know, right? Screw my hometown."

Cadence informed me that things were the exact opposite and ponies actually saw me as the hero that night even though it was really my fault. In my hometown, if you make one little mistake, the ponies there will never let you forget it, but here, I redeemed myself by stepping up and stopping the evil machine. If anything, ponies were looking for me to thank me so after a quick shower and a shave, Cadence and I head out.

Once again, she couldn't stay long so we soon parted ways after we reached the town so for now, I was on my own to mingle with neighbors and make new friends. Sure enough, as I continued to trot into town, ponies all over the place were waving at and greeting me with the widest smiles. I mean, they usually do that anyway but today, they seem even happier to see me.

You know what? Today, I'm not gonna just trot around and wait for ponies to come up and greet me. I'm gonna initiate conversation with my neighbors. Applejack happened to be out and about, so I was able to catch up with her. She even noticed that I've been losing weight and told me she'd be up for another round of fun sometime. Nice. Going further into town, I started shooting the shit with Our mayor, whom I've only talked to once before. She's pretty cool, typical politician but genuine enough.

Trotting further still, I trotted past Rainbow Dash who seemed to be bickering with this butter yellow pegasus with a long flowing pink mane and tail. Oh, okay that's Fluttershy. Really sweet, I've briefly talked to her a few times. She comes to my store to get replacement wheels for that cart she hauls frogs around with sometimes. Super cute girl and she's got the voice of an angel. Now, what are those two going on about?

"Dammit, Fluttershy, he's heading right this way!" Rainbow Dash whispered aloud to Fluttershy, the latter just standing there shaking and blushing. "Are you gonna go ask him or do I have to do it for ya!?"

"Ohmigoodness ohmigoodness ohmigoodness!" Fluttershy gasped as she stood there and started to sweat.

I looked behind myself to see who they were talking about. Aw cute, she's got a crush. That's funny, there isn't anypony behind me. As I kept trotting, about to pass them by, I look back over at the two pegasi and they're looking right at me. Rainbow Dash and I have now made eye contact at this point and gives me a shrug as Fluttershy stands there and continues to blush. It...it can't be. Fluttershy of all ponies? I almost feel like courting her would be some kind of a sin, she's so delicate. It has to be just me misunderstanding a social cue.

"Hey, Rainbow." I greet my acquaintance with a smile as I pretend I didn't hear their conversation. "Hi, Fluttershy."

"What's up, dude?" Rainbow Dash asks as she extends her hoof for a bump, which I oblige to. "I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed. That fight against your own monster was pretty badass. Right, Fluttershy?"

"Yay." Fluttershy squeaked.

"Heh, thanks. I mean, I made the mess, it's only fair that I clean it up, you know?"

"No sweat, bro, as long as you own up to your screw ups and fix them, ponies don't really hold it against you around here. Remember that story I told you about Spike and how he grew like a hundred feet tall?"

"Yeah, I remember that. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that."

"No kidding. Hey, I heard you quit smoking. Kudos...oh, and before she tries to weasel her way out of this..."

Rainbow Dash then hopped over behind Fluttershy and began physically pushing the poor girl right towards me. She reminds me of how I was in the past, I wasn't any less shy than her. I think I'm about five years older than she is so she has plenty of time to improve herself in that department. I feel kinda bad though, she's shaking like Applejack's cousin Braeburn at a corndog convention.

"Fluttershy here...hngg...has something...grr..." Rainbow panted as she struggled to push her shy and admittedly stubborn friend towards me. "...that she would like...guhhh...to ask you."

"You do?" I asked, trying my best to sweeten my tone as to hopefully make her a little less nervous.

"Um...yes..." Fluttershy replied as she tried her best to maintain eye contact. "I um...well, you see, I was wondering if..."

I don't have the heart to try and rush her, she can take all the time she needs. Wow, I get this weird feeling when I talk to her. Like, this odd feeling of tranquility. What's up with this girl?

"Um, well..." Fluttershy continued. "Do you think maybe we could...go out sometime?"

No. There's just no way that's what she means. A sweet little angel like her and a hardened, calloused, flint skinned bastard like me? Impossible! It would never work! I'm too cold for her. For her own sake, I need to let her down gently and hope I don't make her cry. How am I gonna go about this?

"Why, Fluttershy." I said, flattered and with a blush of my own. "I'd like that."

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Author's Note

Shitty youtube reading?

Broken by Kindness: Part Two

I still think this is a silly idea, me and Fluttershy going out on a date, even though we're just grabbing a coffee at a local cafe. Just casual, nothing fancy. I also find it odd that as protective as she is of Fluttershy, that Rainbow Dash tried to play matchmaker with us. I mean, it's not like I'd ever dream of mistreating her, it's just that I might not be a good fit for her. She's such a sweet little thing.

Nonetheless, I make myself presentable before heading over to her place to pick her up. Got myself a nice close shave, a nice collar, a few spritzes of cologne. I've been a bad boy and have gone a bit too long without a mane cut so after I got out of the shower, I slicked it back and went with it. My mane is awesome, it parts itself right in the perfect spot as it dries. By the time, I fly over to Fluttershy's cottage, I've got my mane just the way I want it.

A few seconds after knocking on her door, it opens with nopony in sight but looking down, I see a little white bunny holding the door open. Ah, okay, this must be Angel, her pet bunny. Cute little fella but I can't put my hoof on why he looks so pissed off. Before I can open my mouth to say hello, he proceeds to greet me with a tiny little middle finger on his right paw. Rude.

"Angel! That's not very nice!" A sweet, angelic voice scolds the rabbit from inside the cottage. "I'm sorry, Caddy, that's not like him."

Fluttershy then trots out the door to meet me and proceeds to shut it behind her and lock it. Of course I simply shrug off the little bunny's insult rather than make something of it. After placing her key back into her little purse she carried around her neck, she turned to me and greeted me with a smile so sweet, I could feel my blood sugar returning to dangerous levels. Those beautiful teall eyes of hers batted in a way that made her look simply adorable without even trying.

Both being pegasi, we decided to take a nice, slow, leisurely flight on over to the cafe. I didn't expect her to be much of a talker and figured that I would have to ask all the questions to get her to open up. I dated a girl like that in highschool and conversing with her was a chore. I ended up breaking up with her after a few months. Fluttershy on the other hoof proved to be a contributor to the conversation and put in as much effort as I did. I bet she probably isn't much for mechanical fabrication and whatnot but she knew a lot about animals, which I also tend to find interesting, particularly aquatic life.

Despite taking it slow and easy, the trip to the cafe went by rather quickly. We seemed to connect so well that we lost track of time and almost flew right past it. Once there, I ordered us a couple of drinks, an iced coffee with three espresso shots for me and a pumpkin cappuccino for her. I'll be picking up the bill, I'm a bit oldschool like that. I was pleasantly surprised by how well conversation just flows between us. No pauses, no awkward silence, less and less nervousness from her as time went on. As shocking as this may sound, I even taught her a few things about animals that she didn't know.

"I've been trying to increase the population of carp in Portal Pond just West of town..." Fluttershy said with a sigh. "...but I can't seem to get them to breed. I also don't really know which ones are male and which are female, so it's been difficult to separate them into breeding pools."

"When did you start trying?" I asked as I leaned my head on my hoof and looked directly into her eyes. I was really genuinely interested in this conversation.

"I started out just a couple weeks ago, in the middle of August."

"Ah, okay, you just missed their spawning season. They usually start laying eggs in late june and into late July."

"Oh, darn. So I'll have to wait until next year then."

"Actually, I don't think you should have to wait at all. See, carp are very sensitive to interference and usually won't breed unless left alone. If you let them do their own thing, they tend to breed on their own. I think if you simply import a few dozen carp and stock them into the pond before Fall, you should see them laying eggs next summer. Also, in the Spring, the male carp will develop these little white bumps on their gill covers and their pectoral fins are much bigger and thicker than those of the female, so try to go for like a sixty-forty female to male stock."

"Oh my, I never knew any of that. I'm impressed. So, could you maybe tell me why I can't seem to maintain a healthy trout population in Breezy pond near my cottage?"

"Oh, that pond is too warm and shallow. Trout need cold water with more dissolved oxygen and that pond doesn't provide that. If it had a creek or some springs running through it, then you could get away with maybe some brown trout but I think it'd be better off with carp, catfish, maybe some bass. If you wanna stock trout, there's this pond up in the hills past Sweet Apple Acres. It's like twenty feet deep and it's good and cold. Lot's of icy springs flowing through it, perfect for the trout's eggs. They pretty much have to have constantly flowing water for them to hatch."

"W-wow, you really know a lot about aquatic animals. Teach me?"

"I'd love to."

Fluttershy and I spent hours talking about animals, biology, and ecology! I never would have thought she and I would connect like this but Tirek be damned, we did. We first arrived at the cafe around ten in the morning and now it was nearing its closing time at six in the evening. It really didn't feel like the length of the average work shift but time flies by when you're having a good time.

I happily flied Fluttershy back home and after making plans to see each other again the day after tomorrow, we bid each other good night and after she shut her door, I spread my wings to prepare to take off. Just before I could get more than a foot off the ground however, her door swung back open behind me.

"Wait!" Fluttershy called over before I could leave.

She must have forgotten something so as she flew up towards me, I met her half way and hovered directly in front of her. She was trying to say something but I could tell, she was too nervous to just say it, so of course I waited patiently for her to gather the courage to do so.

"Caddy?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yeah?" I replied as she gently placed her fore hooves around my neck and brought me closer before planting a sweet little kiss on my right cheek.

"I really had a great time with you today. I can't wait to see you again. Goodnight."

"G-goodnight,...Fluttershy."

From there, I went flying back home with the stupidest, goofiest, grin on my face, an intense blush, and my heart fluttering to a point where I thought for a moment that I was having another heart attack. Fluttershy...Oh, Faust in heaven, she's amazing. I haven't been on a date with anypony like her. I wouldn't expect to bang her after the second, even third or fourth date. No, she's not that type. She deserves respect and I shall treat her as such.

The day after next, we decided on one of the nicer establishments in town after a little convincing. It was much like the first date, we talked for hours about animals and she even asked me a bit about my job. She seemed genuinely interested as well. She seems to like nerdy guys like me, just not to the point where she threw any and all class to the wind and begged me to shag her like Derpy.

The snooty manager made it clear that he wanted us leave by repeatedly trotting past us and tapping on his watch as he gave me a rude "ahem". Well, it was getting close to closing time and I normally try to be understanding when I'm a customer but he can go fuck himself. Right in the ear. Fluttershy and I flew back to her place again and this time, before parting ways, we engaged in a sweet, soft kiss on the lips.

It felt...strange. In a good way obviously. Like I said, she's not like other girls I've been with and she has this weird affect on me and I like it. We made plans for a third date which was an agonizing three days away. We planned on having a nice dinner at my place which I would end up cooking myself. When I went to pick her up though, I overheard a conversation through the door that was a bit...discouraging to say the least.

"Why can't you just be happy for me, Angel!?" Fluttershy said aloud just before I was about to knock on the door. "The one time I get a coltfriend I like. You're being so selfish!"

Judging by our first encounter, Angel had a problem with me dating Fluttershy. Whether it be because he worries about how I treat her or just wants her all to himself, I'm not quite sure. I have a couple options here. I can imply that he proceed to fornicate himself with a carrot of show him that I truly, genuinely like and respect her. Being as though he's always been a big part of Fluttershy's life, I shall go with the second option. I bet I can get him to like me.

This date went as swimmingly, if not more so than the first two. So much in fact, that Fluttershy and I fell asleep on my sofa and spent the whole night together. No, we didn't have sex and we're not going to until she's good and ready, which she isn't quite yet. She's worth waiting for. That following morning after a nice kiss, just as she flies off for her animal sanctuary to start her work for the day, a sudden realization hits me. I have no desire whatsoever to fuck this girl. I want to make love to her.

Oh my god...I'm in love...

Broken by Kindness: Part Three

About a month has gone by since Fluttershy and I started seeing each other and I feel like I'm trotting on air. I can't deny it any longer. I am completely head over hooves for this girl. She even introduced me to her parents and I have introduced her to mine after a trip back to Trottski, that fucked up little Stephen King town I grew up in. We've done just about everything together including sleeping in the same bed. No, we still have yet to have sex and that's okay. She's just not ready yet and there's nothing wrong with that.

Our relationship is flourishing save for one problem. Try as I might, I have failed to win Angel over. No matter what I do, he just refuses to accept or even tolerate me. That's a shame, because I really wanted to get along with him. He has even resorted to making attempts to sabotage my relationship with Fluttershy and frame me for awful things like cheating. Much to my fortune, Fluttershy caught him trying to plant phony evidence red pawed. That's just a damn shame, not only because I have him of all creatures as my main obstacle but it hurt Fluttershy more than anypony. For that, I'm downright disappointed in him and I'm starting to like him less and less over time.

Other than Angel getting in my way and stressing Fluttershy out, things are going incredibly well. My health has greatly improved. My blood pressure is normal for a stallion my age, I've lost even more body fat, gained muscle and stamina, and best of all, I feel no urge to drink myself into a coma despite my drinking ban being lifted. Cadence, Twilight, and Shining Armor no longer need to fear for my health and safety. I've even been sleeping much better and can soon go back to work. Everything is just fine and Fluttershy and I are happy together.

Though my sleep has improved dramatically, tonight, I just can't shake this sinking feeling. I love Fluttershy and she loves me but I know she also loves Angel. I'd never want to change that even though he's a little asshole but I just can't help but worry that Fluttershy won't have the courage to stand up to him when he makes another attempt on our relationship. I wouldn't put it past him to try again. Because of that, I just can't sleep. Maybe I'll go for a little fly.

September has rolled around and as such, the nights are getting cooler. I love the feel of the cool night breeze going through my mane that I still haven't gotten around to cutting yet. I just love how it parts like I mentioned before so I figured I'd go with the Leon Kennedy look. It's around midnight so only a few ponies are out at this hour and even they are probably heading back indoors soon. I have no problem enjoying Luna's night solo.

I took a break and came to a stop on a small cloud hovering over the center of town, relishing in the cool, moonlit night. Maybe I should sell my company and just get a job as a night shift cop. I'd be able to enjoy nights like this all the time. The town really likes me ever since I destroyed that menacing machine, so I shouldn't have trouble getting a badge. A protector of this town...yeah, I like it.

"Caddy??" An angelic voice called over as its owner glided towards me while I was stuck in deep thought. Could it be?...

"Fluttershy??" I asked as sure enough, my beautiful girlfriend came to a stop next to me on the cloud on which I sat. "What are you doing out so late, Flutterbaby?"

"I couldn't sleep. How about you?"

"Same. Something's been on my mind."

As my beloved takes a seat to my left, I extend my left wing and wrap it around her to bring her close. In response, she nuzzles the tuft of fur on my chest and buries her muzzle in it as I hold her. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.

"I've been stressed out about something too." Fluttershy finally sighed.

"Wanna talk about it?" I cooed as I kissed the top of her head.

"It's Angel. He and I got into the worst fight we ever had earlier."

"Aww...I'm sorry, Flutterbaby."

"I'll be okay. What were you worrying about?"

"Same exact thing. Angel doesn't want us to be together and it hurts to think about it or what he might try to do to break us apart."

"I know. That's why I told him I want him to move out of my cottage and to the animal sanctuary."

"Oh! Wow! Didn't see that coming!"

I was feeling a mixed bag of emotions. I was shocked and saddened to hear that it had gotten to the point where Fluttershy essentially had to kick Angel out but at the same time, I was so relieved that she wasn't choosing between the two of us. I'd never want to make her do that, it's just not right. It wasn't like she was removing him from her life altogether so it was reassuring to know that she wasn't going to dump me because her bunny's being a bitch baby.

"It wasn't easy but I had to step up and tell him what's what." Fluttershy sighed.

"I'm proud of you, sweetheart. I'm also glad you're not choosing between us."

"I would never..."

"And I'd never ask you to."

Something strange happened when our eyes met while she rested her head on my chest. Our pulses suddenly quickened and we both were suddenly overcome by an odd feeling of intense warmth. Seriously, I could feel her whole body throb with every beat of her heart as did mine. After a minute or so of me holding her, she turned to face me and stared up at me while I stared down at her. She's quite a bit shorter than me, in case you've wondered.

Those eyes had me hooked to this girl. I've been in love before but this girl was something else. That's kinda how I met Cadence. I was running the old store in Canterlot before Twilight and I set it on fire and at the time, Cadence hosted a talk radio show about love and relationships. I was getting over a breakup so I often called it to ask for advice. Feel free to read that story. Ah, I digress, where was I?

Well, wish me luck remembering, because out of nowhere, Fluttershy jumps up and presses her lips up to mine. She and I have shared many a lovely kiss over the several weeks we've been seeing each other but this one...I just don't know how to describe it, it was surreal. The cool night breeze going through our names and wings was cooling off our bodies which were heating up quickly. As our tongues begin to wrestle with one another, I can feel her hooves slowly going down my belly and fast approaching dangerously close to my...HELLO!

When a girl as shy as her makes a move like that, I have a feeling she's ready. I don't even have to mount her before she acts like she's about to fall backwards as she pulls me down on top of her. This will be so worth the wait. I'm not going to fuck this girl, not by a long shot. I'm going to make sweet, passionate love to her, there's a difference. One little thing, before we begin though. I gotta hear it straight from her mouth that this indeed what she wants. Yes means yes, just the same as no means no and sex sucks if one of the ponies involved doesn't explicitly want it.

"Caddy, take me!" Fluttershy cries out as she breaks off the kiss.

Okay, that's my cue. Luckily I have my wallet with me and I respect Fluttershy too much to do this without a condom. I'm stiff now so I'll have no trouble slipping it on. After doing so, I start massaging her marehood with my hoof as she lays on her back. I can already tell, she's super tight so the wetter I can get her, the more comfortable it should be for her. Oh and in case you were wondering...she's a virgin.

I have the absolute honor of being Fluttershy's first and as such, I am going to make this special for her. When I lost my own virginity, I pretty much tossed it in the trash and I never heard from that slut again. We didn't give a rat's ass about each other. I'm going to give Fluttershy that special first time that I squandered just because I though I had to do it as soon as possible. I only wish I was as wise back then as I am now.

I've got her pretty well lubed up with her own juices and the condom itself has a little lube on it from the package, so we should be good to go. Going in dry could be uncomfortable or even painful for her and I refuse to let that happen. I'm going in slowly and gently. I concentrate on her face as I ease my way into her soaking wet marehood and she's biting her lower lip as her eyes are shut tightly. I hope she lets me know if it's uncomfortable, I don't want to do that to her.

Like I mentioned before, I don't have a big dick, completely average. Still, she's so tight that I worry, though the presence of lubricants helps tremendously. I'm all the way in now so I'm going to ease my way out and go from there. Steady now, easy does it. The entire time, we're staring into each other's eyes while I slowly begin to push myself back in. What the...she's...smiling up at me. She likes it! That's all that matters to me right now.

I steadily begin to slightly pick up the pace while still maintaining very gentle strokes. Even though we just started, we're both drenched in sweat despite the cool breeze and the equally cool cloud we happen to be making love on. I'm going just a little bit faster now while maintaining deep, consistent thrusts. Fluttershy has started letting out a tiny squeak with each stroke every time I push back in. She's even adorable when she gets rutted.

Not long after I start going faster, Fluttershy starts getting very...vocal if you will. At first, she must have been holding it all in but now she's pretty much exploded into a moaning, sighing, squealing girl. The huge smile on her face encourages me to keep going and pick up the pace even more.

AAAAAHHHOOOOOHHH!!" Fluttershy screams as I make love to her with intent on satisfying her and then some. "CADDY, YES!! YES!!"

I'm putting a lot of genuine effort into this. I love her. On another note, I'm a bit worried that the whole town is hearing what's going on. With an innocent little thing like Fluttershy, I don't want anypony to get the wrong idea, but screaming "Oh yes, oh yes, Caddy, give it to me, don't stop" I'm sure would make it quite obvious that she's all for it. So much so that she already came; twice.

I'm satisfied with my work and I'm confident that she is too. In fact, I think I'll take a quick break and see what she knows how to do. Very gently, I take her by her forehooves and lift her up before laying back down on my back with her now on top, my stallionhood never leaving her love tunnel. I bob my eyebrows up and down as she looks down at me and with her already beet red blush intensifying, I think she gets the hint.

Getting ready to ride me, Fluttershy places her forehooves on my chest and starts doing...something. She has no clue what she's doing and that's okay. She tries grinding, flapping her wings to go up and down but it all ends up being just a bunch of awkward flailing. I think I know how I can help. I gently place my forehooves on her sweet little soft tush, just behind her cutie mark and start pushing and pulling back and forth. Before long, she mimics my hoof movements and starts grinding like she's done this before.

I'd normally lay back and just let her take care of the rest but it just feels way too good squeezing that cute little butt of hers. She's a quick learner, she's really getting the hang of it. For another several minutes, she grinds her hips on me and she ends up cumming again. Heh, when's it gonna be my turn? Scratch that, I hope this never ends.

As good at riding me as she was getting, she was showing signs of fatigue and was breathing fast enough to arouse my concern. I'll give her a break now. I lifted up Fluttershy's feather light body up off of mine, turned us both over on our left sides, lifted up her right rear leg and reinserted myself. What's this position called again? Eh, fuck it, I'll figure that out later. For now, I'm having the best night of my life with the mare I love.

This truly is the best night of my life. I've been with other mares and none of them were as meaningful as my relationship with Fluttershy. After nearly an hour of passionate sex, I finally came and filled up the condom I was wearing. Fluttershy and I were spent. We were totally exhausted and after laying together, holding each other, and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, it wasn't long before we passed out.

The next morning, Fluttershy and I were woken up by the rays of Celestia's sun prying our eyes open. As she and I slowly gathered ourselves, we could see many a pegasus flying past us and rubbernecking at the two cum covered animals we had shamelessly become. After a bit of stretching, Fluttershy and I take off for my place with intent on taking a nice bath together to clean ourselves off and appear to have some form of class.

Fluttershy and I make our way to my bathroom and I start to draw the water, making sure that it wasn't too hot, nor too cold. I fumble about with the many different bottles of bubble mixture and fancy bar soaps that I bought from cons I've gone to and just about as my Flutterbaby and I are bout to climb on in, that angry banging on my door could be heard from the next street over. Little did I know, that banging on my door was about to utterly break me.

Prepared for an unpleasant confrontation with who knows who was at the door, I take a confident stance, a neutral expression and open the door to see nopony there. Upon hearing an angry squeaking, I look down to see none other than Angel angrily jumping up and down as he shouted and cursed at me. He's out of line bothering Fluttershy and I like this.

"Angel, I'm in no mood to deal with this right now." I say sternly. "You need to go back home and let Fluttershy and I spend time together."

In response, Angel kicked me in the foreleg as hard as he could and stormed in through my door past me. It didn't hurt at all, if anything it felt as if somepony threw a cotton ball at me or something. What I was worried about however was him barging into my home and giving my marefriend a hard time. I will have none of it.

Angel beat me to the bathroom where I can hear him proceeding to argue with Fluttershy. As I trot on closer to the bathroom, my steps get heavier and angrier. He's been trying too hard to come between me and Fluttershy and if he makes her cry again, I will physically toss him out my door. It would turn out, that would be the least he would need to worry about as no sooner than I trotted into the room did I see a tiny white paw being slapped across the beautiful face of my beloved.

Every hair on my body stands on end. I see red. Everything is red. I won't be able to control myself. Angel must die.

Shots rang out on the otherwise quiet streets of Ponyville on this cool, early Autumn afternoon. There was a madpony on the loose, armed with a twelve gauge pump action shotgun and a saddlebag full of a seemingly infinite quantity of shells. That madpony is me. Everywhere I look, I see red as I relentlessly chase down Angel as he scrambles for safety. Anywhere away from me would do. I was on a mindless hunt for him and his blood.

"CADDY, WAIT!!" Fluttershy screamed as she chased behind me. I couldn't hear her. I was so enraged that I litterally had only one thing on my mind. Angel needed to pay. "STOP!! PLEASE!!"

"DIIIIIEEEEE!!" I screamed as I let out another shot in Angel's general direction before cocking my shotgun and letting out another.

"Dude! What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" A pony from town hollered at me as I whizzed past.

"Hey! You can't go around blasting a gun right in the middle of town!" Yelled another.

"Are you crazy!?" Shouted another.

"Hey, just because you saved the town like that before, doesn't mean you get to shoot up the town whenever you want, you nutjob!" Shouted yet another.

I couldn't quite hear them. I was out of control. I didn't even possess the capacity to think about what I was doing and the affect it could have on not only me but my friends and neighbors. Now, it seemed that it was too late because I've got an exhausted Angel backed into a corner with nowhere to run or hide. Everything around me felt to me as if it were dead silent but in reality, there were angry and frightened members of my community getting ready to overpower me and take my to the ground. They wouldn't before I was able to pull the trigger and just as the hoofful of buckshot pellets left the end of my barrel...

"CADDY!! STOP!!" What must have been a princess bellowing out her trademark royal Canterlot voice shouted as I and the projectiles I fired became frozen in a lavender aura.

In my frozen state, I was still able to at least move my eyes to see my friend, a furious Twilight Sparkle swooping in to restore peace. I didn't know she could use the royal Canterlot voice. Irrelevant. I have just done something unspeakable and put so many others in danger and I would soon pay for it once I awoke from my blackout. That would need to happen soon as I was now being swarmed by Ponyville police, and today, they were not happy with me.

"Discharging a firearm within village limits..." The jail clerk read off a list of my charges as I counted my bits that I would use to bail myself out. "Endangerment...property damage...hunting out of season and without a permit...and littering plus the bail. Two hundred bits total...and the chief wants you to pick up those shotgun shells you left all over the place. Oh, and the Princesses will be looking for you later on so don't go far."

Seems like a small price to pay for having totally lost my shit and discharging a dangerous projectile weapon in a densely populated residential area. It is what it is. Now, I need to find Fluttershy and find out if she even wants to see me. I wouldn't have to look hard as she seemed to be waiting right outside for me as I trotted out the entrance to the police station. She was most certainly not pleased.

"Caddy..." Fluttershy began as she stepped towards me with her head held high and her brow furrowed.

"Flutterbaby!" I nearly sobbed. "I'm so sorry! I-I couldn't contr-"

"And that's why I'm so upset with you. You completely lost any and all control of your anger...you put so many ponies in danger today...you nearly killed Angel...and that's why we're through."

Those last five words was like being shot right in the heart and I had nopony to blame but myself. As I stood there, my legs became so weak that I almost couldn't stand on them. Tears rushed down my cheeks at full bore. I have officially been broken. Just as Fluttershy turned around to trot away from me, she sighed before turning back to face me once more.

"I don't hate you...but I don't want to see your for a while. I want you to not talk to me for...well, I don't know how long. If we pass each other by in town, just keep trotting."

The only solace I had was knowing that she didn't hate me but every other word was like another bullet to my chest. I had been reduced to sobbing, whimpering, pathetic excuse of a stallion. Just before she left however, Fluttershy had her last few choice words for me as her bemused frown melted into that sweet little smile I fell in love with as her own eyes began to well up.

"I don't regret anything." She said with a sniffle. "I don't regret being with you at all and this hurts me just as much. We can talk again someday, Caddy, but not for a while. Goodbye."

With that, Fluttershy turned tail and galloped away, sobbing as profusely as I was. Just like that, it was over. I had just spent months building up what remained of what was once my frozen heart to have it smashed to pieces once more. I feel sick to my stomach and everything that's happening is my fault. Just like that, Fluttershy was gone and out of my life. I never thought I could hit a low like this before but here I am.

I am a broken stallion...

Author's Note

Shitty youtube reading??

Bugs on a Bumper: Part One

Until earlier this afternoon, I had it all. A whole town full of friends, a wonderful marefriend, good standing with the law, and more shit than I can count in the chronically drunken state I've found myself in. That's right. Since Cadence and Twilight lifted my ban on drinking, I was able to pick up a sack full of bottles which I was now tipping back as I aimlessly stumbled around Ponyville. I've relapsed and I fucking hate myself for it.

I was pathetic. The looks I was getting from ponies whom passed me by ranged from pure distaste to that of shame and pity. None of them would so much as grace me with eye contact. Just when I was becoming well liked within the community, I went and fucked it all up. I was so drunk, I didn't even know what part of town I was in. My only clue I would end up finding moments later would be a very familiar building I would wind up stumbling right into...the wall of it that is.

I struggled for a minute or two to pick myself back up and once I finally did, I was greeted with the one and only thing I have left to be proud of; my carriage parts store of which I haven't been able to work at in over a month. I'm so depressed, I need a safe haven so badly and since I don't know the way home in my inebriated state, my store would suffice. I still even have my keys to it on me. It's closed for the day so that at least gives me somewhat of a clue as to approximately what time it is.

This is going to be easier said than done. With a half empty bottle in one hoof and a key in my teeth, I attempted to insert it into the lock over and over again. After I don't even know how many minutes of making an even bigger ass of myself, I finally managed to stick it in and fumble around with it until the door unlocked. I wasted no time staggering in and I didn't even care to lock the door behind me. Fuck it all. I've got nothing else left to lose. Why do I even bother?

This place is all I have left and I haven't even been allowed to work here in several weeks. Granted, the time off was good for me but right now, it was the only thing that would even keep me going, assuming that I even wanted to. I just want to go out back and sit in my office and drown my sorrows away. I proceed to stagger over to my destination, open the door and drag myself in where I plopped down on my nice plush chair behind my desk and continue to tip my bottle back.

I just need to be alone. I don't want anypony seeing me like this and I don't want to burden anypony with them having to watch me die if my liver ends up giving out. Honestly, I hope it does. I sat there, sobbing for I don't even know how long and the only solace I had was a spare cigar I just happened to find in my desk. I wasted no time lighting up while I polished off the last of the vodka. As I glugged down the last gulp however, I could hear my name being called from the front entrance of my store.

"Caddy!?" A familiar female voice called out as a few sets of hoofsteps came closer.

"Dude, are you in here!?" A male voice called out.

My saving grace approaches. The door to my office swung open, revealing three ponies whom from which I desperately needed help. The looks of concern on their faces quickly gave way to those of horror once Shining Armor flipped the light in my office on. They've seen me drunk before but judging by their expressions, you'd think I'd been decapitated or was hanging by my neck from a rope. What gives?

"Caddy!" Twilight gasped before her eyes welled up. "You're gray!"

"What!?" I gasped as I looked down at my legs and hooves to see that sure enough, my coat and most likely my mane and my eyes had turned totally gray.

This is not good. When a pony turns gray, it means clinical depression which if not quickly treated with the support of friends can ultimately lead to a pony committing suicide. Basically, it's the body's natural response to sickness that alerts other ponies to the problem so it can be dealt with accordingly. Now, I was the latest victim.

"Caddy, this calls for extreme measures." Cadence said somberly as she, Shining Armor, and Twilight hugged me as I sat in my chair.

"C-Caddy, we don't..." Shining Armor sniffled before beginning to sob profusely. "You're our friend! We don't wanna lose you!"

"We're scared, Caddy!" Twilight sobbed. "You really have us scared of what you might do! Caddy, you just...you went around blasting the streets with a gun! What the hell are we gonna do with you!?"

I don't deserve friends like them. No matter what I've done, they've always been there for me and they've taken time out of their own lives and gone out of there way to help me. What have I done to them. I'm doing nothing but stressing them out and ruining their lives. Now I have them scared shitless but I at least know what I can do to start making it up to them.

While my three friends hug me tight, I use my right forehoof to thump the top of my desk just above the drawer on the right, causing the drawer to pop open, ultimately revealing one of my prized possessions; a beautiful, shiny, perfectly polished, chrome colt single action forty five caliber revolver. One of the most expensive firearms in my collection...now formerly in my collection. I reached in, grabbed it, and placed it atop my desk much to my friends' confusion.

"You guys can take this from me." I said as I hung my head. "I'll surrender all of my firearms if it will make you guys feel better."

Cadence hastily grabbed the handgun from atop my desk, proceeded to unload all of the rounds one by one and hugged me again while her husband and sister in law followed suit. I'm actually quite surprised she knows how to handle it, but I digress.

"It does make us feel a little better, Caddy." Cadence sighed out of relief. "It's too bad it's come to this but it's for the best. Thanks for being willing to do this if not for yourself, but for us."

"I'll do whatever it takes, guys." I said with a sniffle. "Oh, by the way. You can take this too."

To the immense confusion of my friends, I tilted my head to the left and used my right hoof to thump my head as I held my left hoof under my ear. After a couple firm knocks, a tiny twenty two caliber twin barrel pistol fell out and I hoofed it over to my friends who just stood there and gawked for a moment.

"You keep a gun in your ear!?" Shining Armor gasped.

"Kept." I confirmed. "Oh, and I have some more too."

I lead my three friends to the front of my store where I then reached under each counter and produced various forms of projectile weaponry including a nine millimeter beretta, a snub nose thirty-eight special, and a twin barrel twelve gauge. Fun fact. This was the same gun I used to scare ponies out of my first store in Canterlot just before Twilight and I burned it down in "Part Time Princess".

"Wow. You uhh...sure have a lot of guns." Cadence stammered.

"You think this is a lot?" I asked, confused. "Follow me."

After a trot to my house...

I lead Twilight, Cadence, and Shining Armor all through my house and garage as I pull gat after gat out of various hiding places. A three-eighty pocket pistol from a drawer in my nightstand, that huge fifty caliber I used to bring down the Cadillac from the safe in my bedroom, an m1911 forty-five ACP from one of my toolboxes and a twenty gauge pump action hanging on my wall. Think we're done? Far from it. I open my closet and present to my friends a twenty-two semi auto rifle with a seventeen round tube magazine, a thirty-thirty lever action rifle, a break open twelve gauge single shot, and a thirty ought six bolt action with a scope.

Whoa, hold up, we're not done yet. I lead my friends to my basement where I keep the rest of my stash. A seven millimeter semi-automatic rifle, a three-oh-eight bolt action, a four-ten bore over/under shotgun, and a nine shot single action twenty-two revolver. Oh, and a forty-four magnum, you know, the one Clint Eastwood looks so badass with. Let's see, a desert eagle fifty caliber, a bfg forty-five sev...

"Why do you have so many fucking guns!?" Cadence yelled.

"Hey, if Equestria gets invaded again, who's everypony gonna turn to for help?" I ask with a shrug.

"Okay, good point, but it's best that we hold on to them until we're sure you're going to be okay."

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I went from being an upstanding citizen and well liked by the community to being viewed as a public menace. My mane, coat, and once beautiful green eyes are lifeless and gray, I've been put on probation by the village judge, I've been served with a five thousand bit fine, and to top it all off, by order of Twilight and Cadence, I'm on twenty-four hour suicide watch. Isn't life just peachy?

Basically, the goal of my friends and their other friends they sent over to take shifts making sure I don't try to off myself is my emotional and physical recovery. I have been unable to get Fluttershy off my mind and the fact that she always excuses an animal's rotten behavior just eats at me. I've lost my appetite and simply can't get myself to sleep, try as I might. As the days go by, I start to lose weight and my eyes start to sink into my head as dark circles develop underneath them.

The only thing that keeps me going at this point are my friends. Not just Cadence, Shining, and Twilight, I can't keep yanking them away from their duties. As such, they have sent other friends of theirs to take shifts spending time with me and obviously ensure that I don't do anything stupid. Today, they've sent Rarity over to foalsit me. As long as I've known her, I always thought she was hella snobbish and I just plain didn't like her. Upon getting to know her more however, I came to realize just how kind she truly is and that she's putting in genuine effort and taking time from her life to help me. The best part is that she brought a truck load of ice cream which we both gulped down as we whined and bitched about our woes.

Pinkie Pie came over the next day. She put her focus on making me smile, which wasn't easy for either of us. What a wonderful group of friends I have. I'd be nothing without them. By the end of the night, Pinkie had managed to get a tiny smile and a slight chuckle out of me. It was a start. I began to put a little bit of weight back on so I at least wasn't malnourished anymore. Still gray and over all, still feeling pretty shitty. Just trying to forget about Fluttershy and how fucking stupid she was to blindly take that little cocksucker Angel's side.

Days turned into weeks and all we had in mind was my recovery. With some supervision from Rainbow Dash, I managed to go to the park and volunteer for some community service which shaved some time off my probation and slowly re-earned the trust of my neighbors. I've usually known Rainbow Dash to be a hardass and being Fluttershy's closest friend, I thought for sure she was gonna go out of her way to make me miserable. Nope, I was wrong. She had a lot of words of encouragement for me as well. I wasn't expecting that, but I also wasn't complaining.

More days and weeks later, ponies came and went just to have another relieve them at the end of their shift. Cadence and Twilight weren't taking any chances so they were keeping me on watch and refused to allow me to be alone. I guess I can understand but I can't masturbate with somepony watching. Luckily for me, I would soon have a chance to open up the 'ol pressure valve if you know what I mean.

Applejack took a few turns watching and spending time with me. We connected before but I still wasn't expecting to fuck her again but...well, we fucked a few times, which actually did help me to feel quite a bit better. I was no longer tied down with a committed relationship and Applejack and I find it easy to confide in each other. It was fun, just some good, casual fucking. We even had conversation during.

"So how's business at the farm?" I casually asked Applejack as I pumped in and out of her while she was bent over the desk in my home office.

"Can't complain, sug-ooh...cube." Applejack replied. "Kinda went limp after ya ain't been at yer store but we're...oooh, that's the stuff...uh, we're doin' alright Ah guess, but could be better. Hey, Ah think yer color's comin' back a bit."

"Yeah, I think I'm getting there, heheh."

"Aww, already? Ya just started."

"No no, I mean I think I'm getting a little bit better...mmm, day by day."

Wow, this is pretty hot. I like this! No strings attached and no big deal made out of it. After Applejack and I shagged, we'd order a pizza and just hang out. Slowly but surely, I'm starting to think about Fluttershy less and less. Applejack's a good friend and a damn fine lay. She also gives the best blowjobs I've ever had. Sure I may not be the best judge as I've only gotten a couple others but seriously, she's good at it.

So at this point, it's been about three weeks since the whole shotgun incident and things are slowly getting better. Some of my color is returning and I've been able to catch up on some sleep. I've also managed to make some more friends as more ponis took their shifts with me. It was never announced to me beforehoof who would be showing up next so while Noteworthy prepared to make his trot back home, the knock on my door announced the arrival of my next foalsitter. Much to my surprise, it was a very close friend of mine whom made the improvement of my health a major priority of hers.

"Cadence?" I asked with a cocked brow as I opened the door to let her in. "How's it going?"

"Hi, Caddy!" Cadence beamed as she greeted me with a nice warm hug. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Mkay, have a seat. Want some tea?"

"Sure, I'd love some."

I'd taken up drinking more tea as a way to relax and hopefully flush some of the toxic sludge out of my body. So after I poured my guest and myself a cup, I took a seat on the sofa next to her where we would proceed to catch up and I would give her some updates on my progress.

"So how are things at the Crystal Empire, Cadence?" I asked before taking a sip of my tea. Hmm, a little too hot. I'll let that cool a bit.

"Things are just fine, Caddy." Cadence replied with a smile. "So listen, here's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've found somepony who I think you might get along with and relate to."

"I'm not ready to start dating again, Cadence."

"Oh no, not a date, just a new friend to hang out with. She's going through a rough time as well. Not too long ago, she lost...well, pretty much everything."

"I guess I could relate."

"Yeah, and I think you'd like her."

Eh, what the hell, a new friend is always a good thing. Okay, I'll go meet this pony sometime soon. I have a couple of questions but first, I'm gonna take another sip of my tea. Ah, perfect.

"So, what's she like? Who is she?" I asked as I set my cup back down.

"She's quite tall." Cadence said as she took a sip of her own.

"Oh?"

"She can be a bit cynical and has low expectations for the ponies around her."

"Gee, doesn't that sound familiar. Go on."

"She's exotic."

Cadence said that with a wink. She didn't want to give me this girl's identity so she just gave me a few minor clues. I have no idea who or what she could be. Exotic? I wonder if maybe she's a kirin or a dragon or something. I look forward to finding out.

Bugs on a Bumper: Part Two

I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of this potential new friend Cadence is having me meet at this casual restaurant near the center of town. The only clues I have is that this girl is tall, likes ponies about as much as I did, and is exotic. I really hope she's a dragon and down to fuck. Then I could die a happy stallion. Really though, who could she be?

She's about five minutes late at this point, but I'm not worried about that. Five minutes is nothing...unless you work at my store and you show up like that without a valid excuse, but I digress. I'm getting kinda fungry but I'm going to until she gets here to order my food. Again, the f wasn't a typo.

Ponies and couples have come and gone through the front door and none of them were very tall mares. Cadence told me that this girl is even taller than her or even Luna. Once again, just like it had dozens of times in the twenty minutes I've been here, the door creaked open and I would find that I would definitely know her when I saw her. Ohhh, did I see her.

I know who this girl is and I had to double take as I simply couldn't believe who it actually was! She was about as tall as Celestia, dark gray, almost black, and had a mane and tail of a sort of dark green. A creature and now in the process of being reformed villain whom of which I have always admired and wanted so badly to meet in person, and now I was just about to! She's so badass, and I've always loved her 'take no crap' attitude!

Her mere presence was clearly intimidating to the other patrons in the restaurant but they all knew that the goal of Equestria was to allow her to roam about and mingle with ponies in hopes that she would become a decent citizen. She was on watch herself, which was made clear by the bracelet with the little blinking red light on it strapped to her left rear leg, which I knew was a gps device meant to monitor her location and record her movements.

She stood at the doorway looking around for a moment and then she used her neon green aura to pop a small square piece of paper into existence which I would soon find out it was a photograph. She glanced at the small photo and after looking around, let out a soft "ah, there he is" when her eyes met mine.

Holy fucking shit, she's trotting towards me! I've always thought she was incredibly sexy and I'm seconds away from seeing her up close! Ahh, I can't help it, those big green eyes, the way her flanks sway as she trots, those paper thin, insect like wings, and that gnarled up, jagged horn of hers...it's taking every last ounce of will and discipline to keep myself from creaming all over the floor under the table! I can hear Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on me" playing in my head as she flips her mane back! She's so tough! She's beautiful! She's amazing! She's mine!

"Hmm, Cadence said you were a cute one." She said as she pulled the chair out and took a seat. "Judging by that look you're giving me, you must already know my name."

"Y-yeah, uhh...I-I'm Caddy." I stuttered, unable to keep my shit together, much to her amusement.

"Chrysalis. Former queen of the changelings. As you know, my subjects all turned against me and I was stripped of my title so just call me Chrissy."

"It's an honor to meet you, Chrissy. I...I've always admired you. I'm a huge fan."

That comment seemed to catch her off guard and she gave me a rather surprised look that quickly turned into a flattered one. After gathering herself, she produced a pack of cigarettes with her aura, placed one of them between her lips and lit the tip with her horn. I like her even more! This is a non smoking restaurant and she's giving the rules the finger...as my fat, hairless primate counterpart would put it.

"Want one?" Chrysalis offered.

"Sure." I accepted as she then levitated one over to me and lit it for me.

"Um, excuse me." A passing waitress said as she gave Chrysalis and I a dirty look.

"Problem?" Chrysalis asked as she glared at the waitress.

"Uhh...n-no not at all. I just want to...take your...order?"

She intimidated the waitress into leaving us alone for smoking. I'm starting to like her more and more as we hang out. After we tell our waitress what we're in the mood for, she leaves Chrissy and I alone to chat. I can't get over, she's hot! She's the hottest mare I've ever seen, and I'm not making this up! I know Cadence intended for us to just make friends but now that I think about it, I have a question for her.

"So Chrissy." I began. "Since when did you start talking with Cadence? I didn't think you two were particularly...cool with each other."

"Ugh, you ponies can be very..." She began with a disgusted look on her face. "...Forgiving."

She acted like that last word left a bad taste in her mouth and she spat it out like it was making her feel sick to so much as utter that word. Yup, she's a lot like me alright. If I can take her home, if not tonight then sometime soon, my life will be absolutely complete. Fluttershy? Who the fuck is that? Never heard of her.

I honestly cannot believe how naturally our conversation flow. As I talk, Chrysalis looks me right in the eye and appears to be genuinely interested in what I have to say. I can't help my get hooked on that sexy voice of hers. Even when our food arrives, it just sits there and gets cold while Chrysalis and I continue to shoot the shit and get to know each other. We finally do end up eating our food and even after we were done, we just got so absorbed in the conversation.

It was about five o'clock when I got here and it's now approaching nine and that means this restaurant is going to be closing soon. Chrissy and I were still not done talking so we leave the restaurant and head for my place. While in Ponyville, she typically stays at Twilight's place but she's coming home with me tonight. Is this really happening? I hope I can handle her.

My heart begins to race as Chrissy and I make our landing in front of my house and trot towards my door. After unlocking the door, I push it open and allow her to trot in ahead of me. I flip the light on and she starts to look around my humble abode. I hope she likes it.

"What a cozy little place you have here." Chrysalis admires as she looks around.

"Thanks." I replied. "It's just me so It's really all the space I need for just one guy, you know?"

"Of course. So, are you going to drill me or what?"

She didn't actually say that, did she? There's no way in Tartarus that I would ever be that lucky as to so much as have her as a guest in my house, let alone have the honor of sticking my dick in her. This has got to be a dream or a cruel, sick joke. To be able to mate with the queen of the changelings would render my entire life complete and Faust could take me to the afterlife at any time. I just gotta make sure this is legit.

"B-b-but, y-you wanna me t-to g-get on you an..." I stuttered worse than ever before before being cut off.

"I saw the way you were looking at me earlier." She replied with a victorious smirk as she began to slowly trot in circles around me and brush her tail under my chin. "I rather like you, Caddy. That, and you and I both are enduring the stress of some less than favorable situations, surely we could stand to destress. So, what'll it be?"

"You're...giving me a choice?"

That seemed to offend her somewhat as her bedroom eyes opened wide and her smirk was replaced by a flabbergasted slack jaw.

"What the...of course I'm giving you a choice!" She snapped at me with a glare. "What kind of girl do you think I am!?"

"I-I-I didn't mean it like that, I swear!" I try to backpedal as I wave my hooves in front of me. "I-It's just that you're a reforming villain and-"

"I may have tried to take over Equestria on more than one occasion but I'm not going to force somepony to have sex with me! That's just plain low even for me!"

Oh, fuck, I just spoiled my chance to make all my dreams and fantasies become a reality! Me and my big, filthy fucking mouth!

"Ahem! You still haven't answered my question though." She continued as she went back to trotting around me with her tail in the air. "Despite you insulting me, I prefer not to pass up on a chance to bed a willing participant."

Oh...okay, I guess not.

"I um...have a rather above average sex drive." She said she blushed and scratched the back of her head.

I wasn't about to let this opportunity slip away from me. I'm going to pound this bug silly tonight! Blood has already started rushing to my stallionhood so I take her by the hoof and begin trotting with her towards my bedroom. At this point, I've gathered my composure and confidence so I managed to avoid tripping over my own cock. I open the door and motion with my hoof for her to trot in ahead of me.

"Such a gentlecolt." Chrysalis coos as she trots in and wastes no time hopping up onto my bed. She lays down and stares at me with those magnificent eyes of hers which just makes me even hornier. "Caddy, I can be who or whatever you want me to be."

"Anything?" I ask, just remembering that she's a shapeshifter.

"That's right. Ever wonder what it would be like to fuck her?"

With a bright flash of neon green, Chrysalis warps herself into the form of a well known pony who lives in Canterlot. She's a slim white coated unicorn who happens to be a model by the name of Fleur de Lis. I mean, she's hot and all but I just plain don't like her as a pony and ponies I don't like do nothing for me and Chrissy could tell by my now retreating dick.

"Hmm...okay, perhaps you might like this girl instead?" Chrissy asked as she warped into a blue unicorn mare with a mane of white and lighter blue. Now, that's a girl I'd like to have under me. "The great and powerful Trixie! Hmhmhm, she and I even have the same voice actress."

I actually happen to like Trixie quite a bit. I'd gladly hop up there and start going to town on her but before I could so much as lick my lips, Chrysalis warped into yet another. She was now taking the form of a familiar purple unicorn who also has somewhat of a checkered past and another I happen to enjoy being around...not to mention, I wouldn't mind using her as a cock sock. Hot damn, it's Startlight Glimmer.

"Or how about this?" Chrissy asked with bedroom eyes as she warped yet again into the form of a certain local zebra.

Oh my fucking god, my cock is going to explode just looking at her! I can't help it, zebras are fucking hot! They're a bit bigger and taller than ponies and as such, they have big...assets. Zecora in particular has an ass that won't quit and a nice big set of tits under her belly to match. Trust me, nopony or zebra for that matter is shy enough to where others don't end up seeing them.

"How about this girl?" Chrissy asked as she warped into none other than Rainbow Dash. Oooohohoho Faust have mercy on me.

The real Rainbow Dash would never let me do her but this would be the next best thing. She's so toned and tight, and ready to get down and dirty. Just when I thought I had made my decision however, something on the other side of my bedroom seemed to have caught Chrissy's eye. I shifted my focus to where she was gazing and traced her eyes to the stack of magazines I kept shamelessly out in the open on my dresser. Using her aura, she levitated the one on the top over to her and started flipping through the pages.

This magazine in particular happened to be one of the many in my collection that feature sexy scalie dragonesses in all kinds of poses and doing anything and everything to themselves. Some of the even more hardcore magazines even featured several of these beauties getting fucked by male dragons and even incredibly lucky pony and zebra porn stars. She then put the magazine down and gave me those half lidded eyes and that devious sideways smirk as she enveloped herself in her aura one last time.

What I saw laying in my bed before me, presenting herself was a well known light blue dragoness recently dubbed the new dragon lord. Princess Ember herself was bent other and looking back at me with her tail high up in the air giving me the best possible view of the goodies downstairs. I might as well just pack it in and go home because my life is now complete. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got something else to pack into that sweet scaly dragon booty.

Author's Note

ShItTy YoUtUbE ReAdInG!!!

Bugs on a Bumper: Part Three-The Finale

I fucking love Chrysalis! She knows just what we both want and she's a feisty, take no shit from anypony kinda girl. Over the past month and a half, I've fucked her in every possible form we could think of, including her own self. I'm getting damn good at it and I've even gotten my color back. She comes to Ponyville much more often than she originally anticipated just to see me and she and I both have grown quite fond of each other.

I fucked her as Celestia and Luna, sometimes both in one night, I've plowed her as she takes the form of Gilda the gryphon, and I've banged her while she impersonates Berry Punch, just so I could get the sensation of teaching that bitch a lesson for all the shit she put me through. I've gone down on her and sixty-nined with her, had her blow me Faust knows how many times. To have my dick rubbing between those sexy fangs of hers, AHHH, I'm getting riled up just thinking about it!

Chrysalis and I have zero shame whatsoever when it comes to where and when we get down and dirty. We've done it in my garage and every room in my house, on the beach at a nearby lake, in the park as we hid in the bushes, on a cloud, and even in my office at my store whether it was open or not. I don't care if my employees and customers can hear me pounding her as she's bent over my desk while roleplaying as my secretary. I just don't give a flying fuck. Oh, and I fucked her while flying too. We both agreed that it's the most awkward thing we've ever done.

She wasn't kidding when she told me that she has a very high sex drive. How could she not when she has had hundreds of offspring? Don't sorry, she casts a contraception spell before every time we fuck, so we're good. Both of us are very fertile, so we're not taking any chances. Anywho, she and I are catching a movie and then a nice dinner afterwards, and we both know what comes next. I uh...I really have grown to like her...a lot.

It's a nice crisp, cool Autumn day and the sun is shining brightly as my date and I trot about town to and from our date spots as we sport our shades and scarves. As a couple, we tend to turn heads and if ponies thought I was crazy before, they started thinking that I really have a screw loose to be dating Chrysalis. Yes, we are in fact an item now, we've gone from fuck buddies to being an actual couple. Well, fuck them if they have a problem with it. I can hear ponies talking about us behind our backs and the next one who does I'll...oh, right. I'm on probation so I can't do fuck all.

"How on Earth does he find her attractive?" A mare said to another as Chrissy and I trotted by.

"I don't get what he sees in her." Replied another.

"Quite a downgrade from Fluttershy if you ask me." Said a stallion.

"I heard that as a foal, he'd climb up on the roof during a thunderstorm and hold a wrench up in the air." Said another.

"Hey, I only did that like five times!" I retorted as I turned my head back to face them.

That just made them even more creeped out but I don't care. I'm having a great day and I don't even remember who this Flutterfuck or what's her name? Well, until I see her trotting about town crossing the street with her abusive little cocksucker rabbit in tow. Just like any other time I happen to trot past, he's cussing at her, slapping her, biting her, or all three, and she's apologizing to him for whatever reason. I know she dumped me but it's still sickening to see. Why does she excuse an animal's rotten behavior? I could never understand that about her. Chrysalis felt mutually about that and was about to make it known.

"Are you seriously just going to take that!?" Chrysalis yelled as she trotted off course and over to Fluttershy. Oh shit, Chrissy, don't get us in trouble!

"I um, b-beg your pardon?" A confused Fluttershy asked as she covered up her black eye with a hoof and looked up at my date whom towered over her.

"I've seen a lot of screwed up shit in my days, but the way you cower to the whim of a tiny creature like that is simply disgusting!"

"Oh, Angel doesn't enjoy it, he's just frustrated because I forgot to fluff his tail this morning. I made a mistake and he expressed it to me the only way he knows how. It's not his fault!"

Without another word, Chrysalis enveloped that little bastard with her aura and picked him up off the ground and pulled him up to about a foot away from her muzzle. Immediately, she began to suck some sort of aura from the tiny animal and it took me a moment to realize that she was sucking out whatever love that little fuckball has in him, which I was surprised that there was any at all. It's probably all the love he has for himself...that little pud yanker.

Oh shit! I need to run over there and break this up before Chrissy and I both get arrested again! Fluttershy is once again screaming for help like she did when I chased Angel with intent on killing the little douche nozzle. Ponies all over the place are staring at us as I desperately try to break up the confrontation. What made my heart sink to a level I never thought it would reach was what my marefriend did next.

After Chrysalis had the little shit smear tapped dry, she rudely dropped him back to the ground and stomped on the crispy, crunchy husk of a creature the little dickbutt was reduced to. Just like that, Angel was dead and Chrysalis had just killed him in front of dozens of ponies including two police officers and even Rainbow Dash! Why does this shit always have to happen to me whenever something starts to go right for me?

"Are you two just going to stand there!?" Fluttershy screamed in despair at the two nearby police ponies. "Look what she did to Angel!"

"Did what to who now?" One of he cops asked.

"We didn't see anything." Her partner interjected.

"Are you kidding me!?!? She just killed my bunny right in front of you!!"

"Can we get a roadkill unit over here for a carcass removal?" One of the officers said as she spoke into her radio.

"Hey, all I know is we kept getting reports from neighbors about that bunny slapping you around and you kept refusing to press charges." The second officer said with a shrug. "But um...yeah, we didn't see anything."

"Come now, my dear stallion." Chrysalis said as she picked me up with her aura, my jaw just about touching the ground at what I just saw. "Let's go see that movie, I've been looking forward to it too much to be late."

I simply can't believe it. Angel has finally been put down and by my current marefriend to boot! The best part is that we seem to have gotten away with it scott free! I always thought ponies were pissed off at me because I tried to off the little jiz rag but Chrysalis just did it and nopony bats an eye. Maybe it was the fact that I waved a gun around crowded streets and endangered everypony around me. Either way, right now I don't care because I'm starting to love Chrissy even more! We just left Fluttershy to scream and panic over the loss of her abusive companion and went on with our date. The next street over, we would be greeted with another pleasant surprise.

"Hey!" A familiar voice called out to my date and I as its owner swooped over. "I've been waiting for somepony to punish that miserable little prick for years!"

Not only was Rainbow Dash not upset that we just murdered Fluttershy's pe-er...master, she was actually cheering over it. Ah, no wonder she didn't behave hostilely towards me when she was supervising my community service. After Giving Chrissy and I a hoof bump, Rainbow Dash went on her way and so did I and my date. I have never been more attracted to anypony in my life and when she and I get home later tonight, I'm going to destroy both of us.

Later that night...

"So, what'll it be tonight, hm?" Chrysalis cooed as she switched back and forth between various mares and other attractive female creatures while lying on my bed.

"Yourself." I said firmly in between heavy breaths as my dick grew. "I want to make love to the real Chrysalis."

"Aww, you're such a sweet, lovable oaf, you know?"

I wasted no time mounting my mate as she lie on her back and before we knew it, we were having crazy, wild, stupid sex. I've been getting good at it over the past couple of months and I plowed Chrysalis especially hard as I was turned on by a girl who takes shit from nopony. A strong willed, self respecting girl like her that Shutterfly simply wasn't. Because of that, tonight, I wanted to mate with who my queen really is.

We're both drenched in sweat as I pump in and out of her as fast as an engine revs and thankfully, she has plenty of her own natural lubricant to keep my piston pumping comfortably. After a while of me pounding the fuck out of her, she jumps up and pushes me over and I lend on my back where she then proceeds to take over from where I left off. Ooh, she's grinding like a champ! I mean, she's almost as old as Celestia and twice as hot so of course she knows what she's doing.

After an hour or so of fucking like animals, something weird starts happening to us. We're both breathing heavy and drenched is sweat and ejaculatory fluids and suddenly, she takes a deep breath and starts sucking some strange aura out of me like she did with that little pussy ass rabbit earlier. The only difference was that it felt amazing. For some reason, she wasn't able to do this before but now, all of a sudden, she's feeding off me...and I fucking love every second of it.

"Ahhh, fuck!" I moan as Chrysalis continues to suck love right out of me.

"Mmmmaaahhh, you have so much!" Chrysalis moans from the intense pleasure. "Soooo much love to give!"

"Take it all, baby! I'm yours! I'm all yours! Ahhh fuck yes, I belong to you, Chrissy!"

Again, Flutterwho? I'm more than over her at this point and I now love Chrysalis. It feels totally awesome but at the same time, as she and I bask in the afterglow and each enjoy a cigarette, I can't shake this sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen. It seems to be a pattern, whenever something good happens to me or I find somepony I really like, something fucks it all up, whether it's my fault or not. Chrissy seems to be able to read me like a book too.

"Something wrong, darling?" Chrysalis asks me, having read my expression of dread as we lay next to each other.

"Huh? Uh, nah, sweetheart, everything's fine." I lied through my nicotine stained teeth.

"You're lying through your nicotine stained teeth. Now tell me what's bothering you."

She had me by the balls, both figuratively and literally. She can read me like a book and honestly, I'm just a terrible liar. I might as well just tell her. Who knows? Maybe it'll prevent something bad from happening. Well, I ended up coming clean with her. Obviously, she was fully aware of my past flings and who not so well they worked out for me but I made it clear to her that the pattern had me worried and I so badly wanted it to be broken so I could achieve happiness for once in my life.

After a nice long talk and a few more cigarettes later, Chrysalis kept assuring me that things would work out just fine between us. I loved her and for the first time in her thousands of years of existence, she felt love for me as I was the first stallion she had ever spent this much one on one time with without the intentions of infiltrating and conquering an empire. That, right there, actually felt amazing to hear and she and I could both drift off to sleep within each other's warm embrace with a new warm, fuzzy feeling that she and I gave one another.

The next morning...

"Urp!...HHUUUURRGGGHHH!" Splash!

I was jarred out of my blissful slumber by the sounds of somepony regurgitating in the master bathroom of my home and Chrissy was no longer lying next to me so I guess that kinda narrows it down, doesn't it? Concerned for the health and comfort of my beloved lovebug, I sprang out of bed and galloped over to the bathroom door where sure enough, Chrissy was hugging the toilet and after heaving for a moment, her cheeks filled and out came what she ate last night. Poor girl, what could be wrong with her?

"Chrissy, baby, you alright?" I asked softly as I began gently rubbing her back in attempt to soothe her and mitigate some of her discomfort.

"Ooohhh, fuck my life, what is wrong with me?" Chrissy moaned as she seemed to have emptied out her stomach and proceeded to dry heave. "Ugh, I haven't been sick like this since...since..."

Her eyes began to widen and her pupils shrink as if she had suddenly realized something. What could she be going on about? Now she's got me worried.

"Since when?" I ask my marefriend as she stares off with her eyes still as wide as saucers.

"I uhh..." Chrysalis stuttered. "I just remembered that the royal sisters wanted to see me today for uhh...one of my probation meetings."

"O-okay, darling."

Without another word, Chrissy sprang up from where she lay and galloped out the front door of my house and I watched her fly away a bit more slowly than she usually flies for some reason. Huh, has she been putting on a little weight? Maybe that's why she's flying more slowly. Hey, I'm not complaining, more cushion for the pushin'! I just hope she's okay, she's acting really strange.

Honestly, it just occurred to me that I have some shit to do today as well and coincidentally, I have to meet up with the Mayor, the town Judge, the police chief and Twilight regarding my own progress on my probation. I'm doing pretty well, last time I talked with them. I was due to meet them this afternoon and when I did, I was given some good news. They informed me that I will be allowed off probation in two more weeks because of all the community service I've been doing! Nice!

While on probation, I haven't been allowed to drink or leave town without first being granted permission so this will be a treat. To top it all off, they'll even let me have my guns back! Do you have any conceivable fucking clue how much money I've invested in those pieces of hardware? A fucking lot, okay?

After the meeting, I had a couple small errands and a few little things to pick up and after that, I just wanted to go home and relax with my sweetheart if she happened to be back by now. She'll probably be a little while as she had to go all the way to Canterlot, so I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't back until dark. I would soon find however, that I may not end up seeing her for quite a while, as would be explained to me by a small note taped to my front door.

Caddy

Something has gone wrong and I don't know how I'm going to tell you. Please don't worry about me though, we're going to be just fine and we'll get through this when I can see you again. Unfortunately, it may be a month or two before I can travel outside of Canterlot. I'm so sorry, darling. I look forward to coming back with some news. Whether good or bad is really up to you to decide. Love you, Cadillac. Kiss kiss.

Love: Chrissy

Called it! Fucking called it! Nothing ever goes right when I find love! Fuck my life and fuck everything! Gaahhh!! I don't even know exactly what's going on and now I have to wait a fucking month or more to find out! I can't take this kind of stress and anxiety for that long!

I spend all night going over that letter again and again and again. I try my best to interpret every line, every sentence, every word, desperately searching for something good. Anything will do. What did she mean by "we're going to be just fine"? Get through what? I don't understand!

Over the next several days, I write to her where she is staying in Canterlot with the Royal Sisters for her rehabilitation. After two weeks of wondering and waiting, I finally receive a letter from Princess Celestia, assuring me that Chrysalis was indeed just fine and not in any trouble whatsoever but exactly what was going on needed to be on the hush hush for the time being. Oh, and the last part of the letter said "congratulations by the way". Congrats on what? Why the fuck is everypony being such a fucking wiseass with me?

An agonizing six weeks later...

Chrysalis should be back any time now as it's been nearly two months at this point and my blood pressure and anxiety are off the fucking charts much to Twilight, Shining's, and Cadence's dismay. To make matters even more frustrating, I know for a fact that they know something that they're not telling me. Every day for the past several weeks, I trot or fly home hoping to see the silhouette of my tall and exotic lover through the window as she waits for me. I'm on my way home from work now. I've never been a very religious pony, but I'm praying to Faust herself that I can see Chrissy again soon and put whatever mess we made behind us.

Though I've been punked around and have been frustrated to no end as of late, I still try my best to be kind to whomever speaks to me. Save for sucking the life of of that nob polisher rabbit, Chrysalis has actually been fitting in well enough and has made a genuine effort to show ponies around Equestria some kindness...or at least attempting to behave like she tolerates them, but I digress. I better pause for a moment to see what Pinkie Pie here has to say. She's bouncing right towards me, so she must want to talk to me.

"Ooh! Caddy!" Pinkie beamed as she bounced in place in front of me. "Congratulations!!"

"Uhh...thanks?" I said, immensely confused. "On what exactly?"

"On the good news! We sooo have to have a party for this! I'll get the stuff for it ready! Just let me know when they come! Bye now, Daddy Caddy!"

If I thought for one moment that I couldn't possibly get more confused, every moment I trotted home, something would come along and prove me wrong. I've established before that I don't like it when mares call me Daddy too. Even if it's out of affection, I'm only twenty-eight goddamn years old! What, are ponies gonna start calling me "Grandpa" when I turn thirty? I just wanna go home!

On my way there, even more ponies I came across congratulated on whatever achievement I was unaware of and bolted off before I could ask them what they fuck they were even talking about. It got to a point where I even tried to physically grab a few of them as to hold them there while I interrogate them. I never managed to get a hold of any of those slippery bastards but when I came across Lyra and Bon Bon, I decided that physically grabbing a mare and holding her in place wouldn't look particularly good on me so I just said fuck it.

For once, I would find that I was indeed about to get a break as sure enough, I could see the silhouette of a tall, sexy changeling girl pacing about back and forth through my window. Finally! I wasted no time bursting through my front door to embrace my marefriend and get to the bottom of whatever issue was bugging my lovebug.

"Caddy, Darling!" Chrysalis beamed as I rushed in and hugged her tight. "Caddy, I'm so sorry about everything! I had no idea how I was going to tell you!"

"It's okay, lovebug!" I cooed loudly as I gently brushed a hoof across her cheek. "Just tell me what you gotta tell me and we can get on with our lives, okay, Sweetheart?"

"Okay...so um...You see this crate right here?"

There was indeed a large wooden warehouse style crate with a blanket on top of it to which Chrysalis was pointing at. It was just short enough that I could see that the blanket on top was slightly sunken in, indicating that the top must have been pried off. What's this all about?"

"Mkay, what about it?" I asked.

"Remember the last night we made love?"

I put on a smirk as the memories of that night came back.

"Mmhmm."

"You said you wanted to make love to the real Chrysalis. Well...I was so uhh...emotionally moved by that...that I sort of...forgot to...cast a contraception spell."

My pupils shrank to pin pricks and every hair on my body stood on end. No. No no no, something like that can't be allowed to happen! The two most fertile sons of bitches in the world banging without contraception! That's why I stay away from public pools! One drop of my seed could impregnate all the local moms within a mile radius! What the fuck was she thinking!?

"Caddy? Someponies here would like to meet you." Chrysalis said as she pulled the blanket off the top of the crate to reveal the contents.

Inside the crate were several large white eggs with a few light green wavy lines on them, some of them broken open, others not. Along with those eggs were what must have been a few dozen tiny little changeling larvae crawling over each other. Some of them were hatching from the eggs right before my eyes. Every one of them had green eyes like mine, and reddish coats...like mine. Oh my Faust...these are mine.

"Daaadeee." Several of the changeling larvae beamed as they began crawling out of the crate and onto me.

"Shit!" Another small group of larvae shouted.

"Fuck!" Yet another group began chanting.

"Arse! Cunt! Bitch! Karen! Twat!" Soon, the whole crate full of baby changelings erupted with all kinds of curses as these creatures...these...beautiful, wonderful, adorable little creatures began crawling all over me and hugging me and snuggling me for warmth with their tiny worm like bodies. Yup, they're mine alright.

As heartwarming as this whole thing is, I was anything but ready for this. I wasn't supposed to become a father. It was never supposed to happen! I'm a terrible, miserable, bitter, mean, blackhearted bastard! I can't do this! This can't be happening! I can't raise foals! I'll be a terrible father!

"Chrissy, I..." I stuttered as I became dizzy and nearly fainted. "I don't feel so good."

"I'm sorry, dear, I know it's a lot to take in." Chrissy said as she hung her head. "I hope you...still love me."

"I...I..."

"Darling, I've raised so many changelings on my own, I don't have it in me to go through it all again! Please don't make me raise them alone! They need both of us!"

"And I need time to fucking think, okay!?"

I didn't know what else to do but burst out my front door and gallop off as fast as my legs could carry me. I've never been so scared and freaked out in my life. I didn't see this coming. Just a few short months ago, I went from being the stallion no mare would touch to being a father. A fucking father! I can't be a father! That's not me! That's not Cadillac Taille Finz!

I just needed to get away from my house so I could slow down and think for a while. This is way too much for me to handle right now. Having a mare I slept with bring a foal over and tell me it's mine is one thing but Five dozen!? I'm screwed! My life is over! My home! My Career! Everything I spent my entire life working my hooves to the bone for! I'll lose all of it!

I really, honestly think I'm having a heart attack and I pray to Faust that my heart stops and I drop to the ground a dead pony. Unfortunately, I find myself pressing on and I'm quickly losing what little of my sanity is left. I'm trotting around town in circles, babbling like a lunatic and ponies are starting to stare. This time, I'm getting looks not of anger or annoyance but genuine concern. When that happens, I really am in trouble. Somepony needs to stop me and throw me into a psych ward before I do something really foolish!

A while later, I tire myself out with my galloping in circles and my body forces me to stop and in doing so, I can finally think straight like the brilliant intellectual I've always been proud of being. Okay, deep breaths, Cadillac. There you go. Okay, what to do, what to do...I need to find a place where I can think straight and this isn't it. Much to my fortune, I happened to be just across the street from my favorite "watering hole" and since my probation is over, I can now legally ponder my situation over a drink.

I trot in like I usually do and take a seat at the bar which luckily was pretty slow at the moment and since there were very few ponies around, it was quiet enough to think. Frosty Mugs trotted over and I could tell right away that he could tell that I was in a really bad way right now. He also picks and chooses his battles and when somepony looks really fucked up, he'll usually just take their order, pour their drink and leave them alone with their thoughts.

I asked for the whole bottle of Applejack Daniels and laid a hefty pile of bits on the bar along with a nice tip. I didn't bother to count them, I can't be bothered with that right now. Just as I'm about to begin drowning my sorrows away like the pathetic drunken loser I was before, I get a light tap on my shoulder that would probably end up saving my life.

"Caddy?" A familiar bubbly voice said behind me.

I turned around to see a sight for sore eyes in the form of my loyal, hardworking employee and friend Derpy, the look in her eyes matching those I've gotten from other ponies all day. I need a friend to talk to so badly, you have no fucking idea.

"Derpy!" I beamed as I hugged the gray pegasus whom I once had the pleasure of using as a cock sleeve. "Oh my god, Derpy, I've just had the worst fucking day! I don't know what to do! I need help, I'm afraid I'm gonna go crazy and hurt somepony!"

"I can tell that you're upset..." Derpy said very calmly as she put a comforting hoof on my shoulder. "Why don't you come on over there with me and we can all talk about it?"

Derpy then pointed over to a table in the back corner of the bar where the smiling faces and waving hooves of all my staff members who work for me at my store waited to embrace me and help me with my very many problems. I need them more than ever now and I'm not going to refuse the help they wish to offer. I set the bottle back down on the bar, get up off the stool I sat upon and trotted over to the table and took a seat.

I spent hours pouring my heart out to my employees and as such, violated my own policy of fraternizing with them outside of work. Why have I done this to myself for so long? All this time, I had been depriving myself of friendship with the ponies I spend most of my time with. I was such a fool! I've done nothing but hurt myself by pushing others away for all these years and if not for these ponies, I would end up dead, if not from suicide, then from me drinking myself to death or whatever.

Over the hours we spent together, we all shared some laughs and tears alike. I needed their advice and they gave me their best. Instead of running away from my situations or drinking in attempt to numb my pain, I need to tackle them head on. Now that I realize that I'm not alone in this, I can trot home tonight with the hopes that Chrissy is still there so that she and I may work together to form a solution to our dilemma.

I can feel what was once my frozen heart melting more and more with each stone cold sober step I take towards home. I truly love Chrysalis. I want to see her again and I want to see the faces of my newborn offspring. I want to be there for her and for them as we watch them grow up. This intense pain in my chest is the best pain that could ever happen to me and though it hurts so bad, I know that it's the melting and softening of what my rock hard, black as coal heart once was.

Upon reaching home, I find that I'm not too late and I see my love bug laying on my sofa next to a box of tissues as our babies crawled all over her and wondered where their father had went. I'm here for you now, kids, and I'm not going anywhere! I can tell that Chrissy had been crying but now I waste no time drying her tears with a passionate kiss as our foals cheered upon noticing my return. Once again, several of our babies begin crawling all over me and the last of the ice that had petrified my heart for so long had finally all melted away.

I want to get a good look at these little guys who share half of my DNA. One of the little tykes clings to my chest and I pick him up in my hooves and look into the sweet little green eyes that look just like mine and I couldn't help but well up and turn the waterworks back on. These little guys are perfect. They're beautiful. They're wonderful. They're mine.

"Chrissy?" I ask as I take her hoof in mine and kneel on the floor before her.

"Y-yes, Darling?" Chrysalis stutters as she begins shedding a series of more happy tears.

"We're gonna need a bigger house. Whaddaya say?"

"Yes...I will."

Author's Note

*takes a bow* Hope you enjoyed that crap. This was really fun to right as I put more of myself than ever into this one. Thanks for being there for my and tolerating me. I wouldn't be who I am today without MLP and the brony fandom. Catch my humble opinion on the end of the series on youtube. My username on YT is the same as here, "Caddy Finz". Thanks for everything. I love you all.

Hello? Equine Resources?: Part Two

Okay, so now I can add not being able to eat what I like to the growing list of things that I can no longer do. As much as I hate this, Cadence and Twilight are doing this because they like having me around, so I really shouldn't complain...much. Well, fuck it, I may as well just get my other errands out of the way. I'm running low on fish food for my goldfish so I need to go pick some of that up. Also gotta go to the post office to get some stamps and some wax for sealing envelopes.

Since I haven't been to work in several days at this point, I wasn't the one working on the schedule so I don't know if Derpy is working at my store or the post office today. I hope I see her familiar smiling face, I miss her and all my other employees. I would end up lucky today as I was greeted by those sweet, mismatched eyes of hers the second I trotted in. This whole thing has gotten me thinking...

"Heya, boss!" Derpy beamed as her eyes lit up.

"Derpy! Oh, Faust, I miss you guys at work!" I sighed as I trotted up to the counter.

"We miss you too! When are you coming back?"

"Ugh, pretty much when Cadence and Twilight say I can."

"Well...they're worried about you. We all are."

I really am a lucky stallion to have ponies around me who care as much as they do. That's why I've decided that I'm going to go against a code I had always strictly followed in all my years in business management. I'm going to start hanging out with my employees outside of work, starting with Derpy.

"Well, when you get off here, feel free to drop by later tonight." I offer. "I'll show you that project I've been working on in my garage."

"Oh my gosh, finally!" Derpy gave a sigh of relief. "Caddy, we've all been waiting for you to open up for years!"

"And I'm sorry it took me so long to do it."

It's true, my employees are like family to me. Family that for years, I closed myself off from and refused to allow them to step beyond strictly professional boundaries and get to know the real me and the life I live. Like most others in town until recently, my staff knows very little about me. That's about to change and soon, I can consider them friends and vice versa.

After making small talk for a minute or two, Derpy gave me a nice hug and I went on my way to find something to do as to not keel over and die from boredom. Normally, I caution my employees about any kind of physical contact with each other, as if it ends up making somepony uncomfortable, my equine resources department would chew them up and spit them out; and by my equine resources department, I mean me.

Like any part of my job, I take the general comfort of my employees seriously. I've hired real gems and they tend to stick around. I've also hired idiots and later found out the hard way. I've written up and fired workers without a second thought for violating my company's protocols by unwanted touching, groping, asking for blowjobs, that kinda stuff. Had a guy once smack a co-worker on the ass "as a joke" how he put it. He was gone right then and there, myself and the rest of us showed him the door...well, actually we tossed him out of it but I digress.

Derpy would be at her postal job until five today and I was really looking forward to spending time with her outside of work. If I could just get a hold of the rest of my team, I bet we could all hang out sometime but for now, baby steps. To pass the time for now, I'll just add a little more smut to that other story I'm working on. You know, the one where Shining Armor finds a butt buddy. I better update that other one about the school buss accident too. I have a few good ideas.

Time seemed to tick by as slow as it possibly fucking could but on the plus side, I got a lot of writing done, including this load of shit you're reading right now. Don't get me wrong, I can feel my blood pressure going down but I fucking hate being so bored. I wanna go back to work, dammit! Can't really argue with royal decree though, now can I?

Finally, five o'clock rolled around and about five minutes after, I hear an excited, enthusiastic knock on my door that only a certain bubbly pegasus would make. She sure wasted no time coming over here. Wow, she really wanted to see me. The more time goes on lately, the more my frozen heart melts. Sure enough, when I opened the door, I was greeted with a set of those golden, slightly off center eyes. They used to be a lot worse and she could barely see until a bunch of white bread soccer moms started bitching about it so she had to go and get that fixed. See, this shit is why I don't like milf porn anymore. I work retail. If you go into a store and start screaming for the manager and proceed to treating my employee like crap because your coupon expired six fucking years ago, I'm sorry but I don't wanna touch you. Ah, again, I digress.

"Hiya, Caddy!" An ever so bubbly Derpy beamed as she stood on my doorstep, proudly holding up a damn good looking basket of muffins.

"Hey, glad you could come over, Derpy!" I beamed as I stepped aside to let her in. "Hey, those look good! And healthy!"

"Yeah, I know Princess Cadence and Twilight have been trying to get you to take better care of yourself, so I thought these would be a good snack for us."

She's such a doll. Just being around her is lifting my spirits. She really is wonderful company and an awesome assistant too, which is why I think she and I could have lots of fun on this project I'm working on in the garage. I can't wait to show her! Well, after we make quick work of these delectable muffins she brought over, we can do just that.

"Oh! So, what's this project you said you're working on, Caddy?" Derpy asked.

Ha, she beat me to it.

"Ah, I'll show you, my dear friend!" I beam with a smile as I hoof over one of my spare lab coats. "Suit up."

I've come so close to the big breakthrough I've been dreaming of in regards to my creation. After years of trial and error, constant casting, precise machining, an explosion here and there, I think I've finally just about done it. The best part? I have a friend to share my success with. Standing tall and proud before myself and my bubbly assistant is my very own creation, what was about to be Equestria's very first engine driven carriage.

I built if from the ground up, all the way down to the frame and chassis. The spokes on the wheels, the strut springs, the headlamps, the bright red paint job, the clutch and chain drive mechanism. Every part of this baby is hoof put together by yours truly, including the engine which I designed and built to run on pure alcohol. No, I'm not going to drink it. This is my proudest achievement and once Derpy and I get it off the ground, it could change transportation in Equestria forever. I call it the Cadillac. Yeah yeah, GM, don't get your panties all in a bunch.

It was all coming together and the time was nigh. The local weather team is busy stirring up some storm clouds as we speak as to produce rain for farm crops. The thunder is rolling in and in mere moments, we can put my final plans into action. I have a set of cables attached to a lightning rod that I managed to extend about fifty feet above the roof of my house. There's no way it won't attract a strike. The other ends of the long, thick cables are clamped onto the engine's main power box that just needs the right amount of charge to get her up and running.

The rain is pouring down like mad and I'm starting to get anxious. I'm taking a big risk by standing on the roof of my garage where once I can achieve a lightning strike, I can give Derpy the signal. This can go wrong in so many ways but for the sake of science and engineering, this is a risk I must take. With our goggles strapped to our faces and our hooves firmly wrapped in thick rubber for protection, all we could do at this point was wait. At long last, our long anticipated wait was over.

KARRRACKAPOW!

This was it! It was now or never! Do or die! As soon as that bolt of lightning struck my lightning rod, I screamed out as loudly as my smoke damaged vocal cords could possibly allow.

"Derpy!! Throw the switch!! Throw the switch!!" I screamed down to my assistant whom was down inside my garage operating the resistance regulator.

Derpy heard me loud and clear and pulled the first lever on my machine that would give life to my creation should everything go according to plan. What she was working with was my device that controls the amount of power that actually gets to my engine as to avoid frying it outright. What we were getting with the first switch wasn't quite enough though as the engine barely turned over and couldn't quite get its cylinders to fire. There was only one option.

"Throw the second switch!!" I commanded as I leaped back into the garaged and over to closely monitor the progress of my creation.

The second lever was pulled by my loyal assistant and more power began rushing into the hungry engine that would soon be running. It was working! It's turning over! I can hear some of the cylinders going off! Yes! We have ignition! There's exhaust fumes coming from the tailpipe! It's almost there! It just needs a little more and it shouldn't stall out!

"Throw the third switch!!" I commanded.

Derpy did just that and at this point, I was starting to get high from the excitement and I failed to keep from pissing myself, but I didn't care. Looking back up to the lightning rod, I could see that it had become little more than molten steel and much to my fortune, the heavy rain cooled it off before it could reach the roof of my house or my garage. It's all coming together and I have the hardest fucking boner under my lab coat right now, both because lightning turns me on and from the excitement of what we're about to accomplish.

Finally, whatever power from the lightning strike that was left subsided and save for the occasional bit of rolling thunder outside, everything went quiet. I signaled Derpy to turn all the switches back and we approached my creation as it sat in the middle of my garage. There was no need for more power as the muffled "puttputtputt" of my engine could be heard plainly and the smell of burned ethanol could be smelled. Derpy and I paused for a moment and just stood there and gawked at the machine we had just breathed life into. We had done it. My creation has eight cylinders and it's using all of them.

"Derpy..." I said as we stood there and stared at my running machine. "We did it...we actually did it..."

"It's amazing..." Derpy gasped. "This could change Equestria as we know it."

"Bwahahahahhh!! It's alive!! It's aliiive!!"

"Caddy, you're a genius!!"

"We both are! Derpy! Hold me!"

I didn't have to tell her twice and she didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me and hold me against her soft, warm body, made even cuter than usual in the lab coat she was wearing. With our wings flared out and adrenaline rushing through our bodies, soon I remembered just one slight, small problem was seemed to be getting bigger and bigger with each new bit of stimuli we were presented with. I still had a massive, raging hardon and my sick lightning fetish along with the general excitement, my ego being fed and being held against the body of an attractive female were all adding to it. Well, this is...awkward.

Knowing that my cock touching her could ruin our relationship and boss and employee, I gently tried to push her away from me as to keep from poking her with it. That just made her hold on even tighter. There's no way she doesn't notice it, it's snaking up right between our bellies as we held them against each other's and it's hard as a fucking rock. What she did next was a real shocker. Through most of the embrace, she had rested her head on my shoulder and she lifted her head up and that's when our eyes met. Those pretty, golden mismatched eyes looked into mine and Derpy's face took on a shade of red similar to my own. Without warning, she just went for it.

She simply couldn't control herself. She all of a sudden just closed her eyes and brought her lips up to mine and just started going at it. Shocked, I just sat there while she sucked on my face but the affect she was having on me was like being under a spell. After a moment, I finally began to reciprocate her advances and closed my eyes while our tongues wrestled with one another. I was really enjoying it. Derpy is very attractive and just plain adorable, and we like and trust each other so hey, why not?

Wait a minute! We can't do this! I'm her boss! Oh shit shit shit shit shit, this is bad! We've just violated my number one rule for my employees! I know this is so wrong on every level but I just can't get myself to stop kissing her! I'm loving it too much! Now I've even lost my own self control?! What's wrong with me?!

"Mmmfff...mmahh!" Derpy moaned as she broke the kiss and gave me that look I've seen in a mare's eyes before. "Caddy?"

"Y-yeah, Derpy?" I stuttered. That low, sultry tone she gave me could only mean one thing.

"I reeeaaally like smart guys like you."

Author's Note

Check out my shitty Youtube reading!