Who You Are

by Coronet the lesser

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Spike
Length: 2221

Spike and Twilight talk about identity after Sludge's stay at the castle

Spike is despondent after the revelation that Sludge was not, in fact, his father. He begins to doubt his place both as a dragon and as a member of pony society.

Luckily for him, he is not alone.

Published 2018-11-23 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-23 21:00:01 UTC

1. Spike

Spike bounced the ball in his claws up against the ceiling. The evening sun was setting beyond the horizon, causing a ray of light from the window to brush against the edge of his vision.

It was annoying, but not enough to motivate him to move. In fact, he wasn’t sure anything could motivate him to get up from his bed, it was all just too much effort. Instead, he focused on monotonously repeating the action of throwing the ball up and catching it on its way down. It momentarily took his mind off the previous week’s events.

Sludge.

Spike threw the ball harder against the ceiling. Sometimes he liked to imagine the ball would crash through it and would comically land in the room above his, resulting in some undoubtedly wacky hijinks. But then he remembered it was just a stupid rubber ball.

He threw it again.

His moping was suddenly interrupted by a distinctive knock at his door. At first, he considered ignoring it, but that knock was quickly followed by two further knocks. Before Spike could speak, a voice called out.

“Spike, can I come in?”

Twilight.

Spike had mainly isolated himself in the days after Sludge. He had insisted that he was ‘fine’ to Twilight, even though the contrary was clearly the truth. Sure, he and Twilight had a moment afterwards, but he had found the brief reprieve fleeting. His room had provided a quiet area to brood on the deeper issues Sludge had dredged up, matters Spike had thought were long since quashed.

Obviously, Twilight had decided now was the time to try and end Spike’s self-imposed exile. Probably because he hadn’t finished all his chores. He really was not in the mood for one of Twilight’s lectures, but then again it would be rude to say ‘no’ to her.

“Sure,” he sighed despondently, returning to his previous actions. He mentally prepared himself for the verbal onslaught Twilight was going to subject him to.

Twilight gently opened the door and entered, looking somewhat sheepish. Spike threw the ball again. He didn’t look over at Twilight.

“Hey, Twilight.” He caught the ball with his claws.

“Hi Spike,” she said as she closed the door. Spike quirked his eyebrow, Twilight was acting a bit more restrained than she usually would when she needed something. Perhaps this was something more than just finishing up chores. Spike decided to pre-empt the possibility of a lecture just in case.

“I’ll finish up reorganising the new books in a bit, I just felt I needed a break,” grumbled Spike. He threw the ball into the air which made an audible thud as it hit the ceiling.

“It's fine,” said Twilight. “I think you need a break as well.” Spike caught the ball and looked over at her with surprise. Now, this was truly unusually. Twilight always prioritised the new book shipment categorisation above all else, bar world ending events.

“Really?”

“Well after Sludge…” she trailed off as she motioned with her hoof. Spike’s somewhat perked up mood after being temporarily relieved of his chores, immediately dampened. He frowned and returned to staring at the ceiling. Of course, she wanted to talk about Sludge.

“Yeah after…him,” he said bitterly. Twilight moved towards the bed, carefully positioning herself on a nearby cushion opposite of it. She sat and smiled patiently. Spike glanced at her, he really didn’t want to do this. He was content to bottle his feelings up in the short term then slowly let it build it up into long-term resentments, like regular ponies.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she said in her most reassuring tone. Spike huffed. Twilight always had a skill for coaxing out some other pony’s problems. Spike wondered idly whether she may have been a good psychiatrist in another lifetime bar, of course, all the nervous anxiety she suffered from herself.

“What about him?” Spike failed to suppress what seemingly was a snarl of disgust. “Some two-bit scam artist pretends to be my dad, takes advantage of me and my home and runs off like the loser he is.” The ball thundered against the ceiling, as it fell, Spike failed to catch it. The ball bounced away from the bed. “What else is there to talk about?” Spike crossed his arms in frustration, his breathing was heavy. Twilight said nothing for a while.

“I don’t think this is entirely about Sludge.” Spike immediately shot up to protest. Twilight fixated him with her best-disarming stare. His mouth opened then rapidly closed as he processed what he wanted to say. He moved to the edge of his bed, his legs dangling over the edge.

“I…I-I you see, well, maybe not.” Spike cursed himself, for letting her break down his defences, perhaps because some part of him did really want to talk about all of it.

“Go on,” probed Twilight. Spike started and stopped several times intermingling these moments with thoughtful silence, he played with his thumbs as he did so. Eventually, the silence was broken.

“Like I’m a dragon…”

“I can see that,” scoffed Twilight before giggling. Spike scowled.

“Hah-hah,” he said mockingly. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“I know.” Twilight nodded and extended a hoof. “I’m sorry, go on.” Spike sighed and stared up at the roof.

“I’m a dragon,” Spike started tentatively. “But I was raised like a pony.” Twilight nodded again but slower. “I think like a pony, I feel like a pony. But I’m not.” Spike laid his head on his claws. “I will always be a dragon no matter how hard I try.” Twilight attempted to interrupt but Spike gave her a stare, and she guiltily retracted her attempted objection. Spike leapt off the bed and paced around the room, gesturing his arms in an exaggerated manner to signify his point.

“And don’t get me wrong, ponies are nice to me here, but sometimes they give you that look. Like I’m an outsider or some-some weird pet.” Spike slumped at the mention of the last part. Twilight bristled in anger at the mention of ‘pet’, she suppressed her fury as now was not the time. Perhaps some ponies in town needed to be reminded about a lesson in kindness.

“You know that’s not true,” she said half-lying. “You’ve done so many great things and achieved so much.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that I’m not a pony. I’m a dragon,” Spike mumbled bitterly.

“Dragons now play an important role in modern Equestrian society, they are our friends and allies now.”

“I know that, but I don’t belong with them either!” shouted Spike. “The whole point of me visiting the Dragon migration was to find out more about me, but all it did was show how different I am. Now I’m suddenly all conflicted again because now I’m certain I don’t fit in with either ponies or dragons.” Spike hung his head in despair. “I’m not Ember or even Smoulder, Twilight.” She quirked her head inquisitively. “Sure, they are my friends, but I don’t think like them.” Spike tapped the side of his head. “Sometimes I don’t even understand them and it…it well, well it confuses me.”

“Then Sludge,” offered Twilight.

“Yeah, then Sludge.” Spike walked over to Twilight. “For the first time, I felt like maybe I could find my place. That I could be a real dragon with a real connection to that world.” Spike spread his wings to emphasise his point.

“But that was a lie.” Twilight frowned deeply. Spike played with his claws nervously. “Even worse when he was trying to teach me, he was just using me. It…was just all so wrong!” Spike sat defeatedly on the floor his head falling into his claws once more. “Too much of a pony to be a dragon and too much of a dragon to be a pony. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.”

Twilight was quick to lift herself off her cushion, and within a moment’s notice Spike was wrapped in a hug, Twilight’s wings enveloped him in a warm embrace, she placed her hooves around his back and gripped him tightly. Spike leaned into it, he struggled to wipe the corner of his eye.

“I know it’s difficult for you,” she whispered, almost not Spike, as if she were talking to herself. “I know it seems like I don’t know or care, but I do. I wish I could be everything you need me to be.
“And I know I can’t always be that to you, and sometimes that makes me upset. I wish I could give you all the answers. About your parents, your heritage, your identity. Because all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be the best you, you can be.”

Spike felt a wave of emotion. Relief? Sadness? Joy? It was too difficult to tell. He just clung onto Twilight’s coat like he did when he was but a tiny baby. The same encompassing reassurance he had experienced then returned to him now in the present.

To hear her admit her own inadequacies shortly after Spike had spoken about how he felt all along, it just felt…right. Like some palpable tension, he had not known existed, had lifted from him.

“I don’t show it enough you know; how proud I am of you.” She tightened her hold over him. He broke from burying his head into her chest and looked up at her. Her eyes were gleaming with tears, but she displayed a radiant smile. The happiest smile Twilight had shown in a while. He wished she smiled like that more often. She pulled out of the hug and placed a hoof upon his shoulder. “You do belong, Spike, you may sometimes doubt it, but you do. You fit in here.” She poked him in the chest. “With this castle. With this town. With your friends.”

Spike thought for a moment, doubt gripped him still. He knew he had everything one could ever want. But that was the problem. Despite everything he had, the lingering question of where exactly he lay in this magical and wondrous world remained.

“But who am I?” he asked genuinely. “Am I Spike the dragon? The pony? Something else?” Twilight’s smile faltered briefly, and she breathed in deeply.

“I can’t answer that for you,” she said sadly. “I want to.” She gave him a quick nuzzle. “But only you can know.”

“Oh,” sighed Spike in disappointment.

“But I can tell you a few things. You are not defined by what makes you a dragon or a pony, Spike. You are defined by who you are and what you do.” Twilight giggled. “Whether you’re my height or the size of a mountain. I can only know who you are to me.”

“And who is that?”

“You are Spike,” said Twilight softly. “My first and very best friend.”

Spike stood in thought. He processed all of what had been said, all that he had experienced over the past few days. In all that had gone on, he had overlooked what had mattered most to him. Or rather the pony who had mattered most. The one who had been there for him, and perhaps the only one who truly understood him. It finally dawned on him that it was inconsequential whether he was a dragon or a pony. He was something far more than that, he had always been just Spike, the assistant, the hero and most importantly the friend.

For some reason, that was perfectly okay with him, and it filled it with so much warmth knowing Twilight saw that within him too. He rushed over and hugged Twilight deeply again. She stroked the spines on his head soothingly.

“Thanks, Twi.”

“Always.” She pulled off from him and headed toward the door opening it and beckoning him to follow. “Come on let's get some ice cream. I think one of the stalls in town should still be open.”

Spike nodded and moved to follow but stopped short of the door. Twilight looked back puzzled. Spike was unsure how to broach the question he wanted to ask, it just felt like something he needed to ask after everything they had just talked about. “I know I can fly, but can I go on your back, like before I got my wings?” He suddenly turned away from her with his arms crossed. “You know not that I miss it or anything. My wings just get tired sometimes and-”

“Come on champ, I’m sure your exhausted.” Twilight rolled her eyes as she placed Spike gently on her back with her magic as she exited his room. Spike felt a great degree of nostalgia as she did so. But Spike was suddenly hit out of his reverie.

“But Twilight what about the library reorganisation? I completely forgot!”

“It can wait,” said Twilight nonchalantly. Spike's head snapped towards Twilight.

“Who are you and what have you done with Twilight?” She shrugged, before stopping and nuzzling his cheek with her turned head.

“What can I say, some things are more important.”

Author's Note

Just some Fluff I wanted to write after Father Knows Beast. I had been meaning to do a Spike and Twilight story for some time. It's nothing groundbreaking.

Hope people enjoy it and feedback is appreciated!