your shit m8 (no vocative comma!?)
Season five.
Ooooooh boy. Now, that was a thing. See that? That! No, not season five. That. Never mind, never mind, pronouns can be so confusing. And why did I use past tense? It is a thing – the ‘Ooooooh’, that is. A stupid thing. And why did I start a sentence with a conjunction? Again!? Twilight, what is with you today?
I’m speaking to myself now. How silly.
I also said ‘See that?’, which is silly too. Was it supposed to be an imperative sentence? Of course not. What I meant by it (‘See that?’, that is, confound these infernal pronouns) was ‘Do you see that?’ – a question, my friends, a question. Not a poorly punctuated imperative sentence. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Sentence fragments. A habit of mine, I’m afraid, and one I must break. (There we go again.) I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Urgh, look, I’ve spliced several commas already and haven’t even reached the meat of my narrative. What’s the world coming to these days, when intellectuals such as myself clumsily stumble over the simplest prescriptive grammar? I should have said ‘stumble clumsily’, I placed the adverb in a stylistically unfavourable position. That comma splice again! In fact, that adverb isn’t altogether necessary (neither is that one), for ‘stumble’ implies clumsy movement anyway. And I used ‘that’ confusingly again. And I started sentences with conjunc— enough! Enough!
Twilight took a deep breath.
Now, that’s strange. There appear to be two narrators here, which isn’t signified by italics or even signified at all. Grammatically outrageous! I shan’t tolerate it! Notice, dear friends, that I elected to use ‘shan’t’ in favour of ‘won’t’, for any good grammarian would tell you we use the former in the context of first-person pronouns. We shan’t succumb to society’s rapidly falling standards, friends! We shall adhere to our prescriptive principles and give no quarter in our application of them!
Twilight realised she was talking too much about grammar.
I see. Well, in that case, allow me to return to the initial noun phrase. Season five. No, no, there’s a punctuation mark I can utilise skillfully (the preferable order that time!) to emphasise it. Ahem. Well, in that case, allow me to return to the initial noun phrase: season five.
Beautiful! There I go again, dropping complements without a subject and a predicator. Please, friends, please tolerate my incompetence a little longer.
You see, season five is important. Season five is very important. Season five is perhaps the most significant of the seasons that did not air (for in this universe, not one of them was deemed good enough). Do you see what I did there? I used no pronouns as subjects, and I utilised triadic structure to hammer home each point emphatically! How delightful! And that is acceptable on its own, for I consider it an interjection.
But where wa— no, no, no, no, no! Ahem.
Where was I? (That’s better.) Season five, you see, was deemed unworthy of attention, and after being told this, we, the entire cast, were fired on the spot.
Yuck. Passive voice. Rework it a bit, please, I tell myself.
The powers that be, you see, deemed season five unworthy of attention. After saying so to the entire cast, they fired all of us there and then. I prefer ‘there and then’ to ‘on the spot’. Adverbials should sound pleasing, I think.
Look at us now. We are in my library, which was rebuilt once that ugly new castle was demolished. Look at that. I’m using ‘that’ as a pronoun half the time and also as a determiner.
Twilight decided to stop talking so much about grammar.
Alright! All right! Hmm. Which form do I prefer?
Twilight felt a sudden pain in her gut.
OK, I get the message! (OK, okay or ok? Which do you prefer?) Anyway, I digress. I digress. Perhaps the story would fare better if I were to play a smaller narrative role. (Notice, please, my taking into account of subjunctive mood.)
Twilight nodded. (Oh, ha ha.) She stopped thinking these thoughts and searched for Rainbow, mentioned in this story’s synopsis and whose appearance in said story was therefore required.
No, no, I don’t like it. Present tense is far more engaging for the reader. I’m coming back!
The narrator nodded, which was strange, Twilight thought, for he was incorporeal. She frowned, realising he could state that he had nodded, incorporeal or not, for he was, after all, the narrator.
Stop revealing my thoughts! I’m telling the story! Begone with you, you improperly indicated past-tense heathen!
Gone? OK, good. That is good. Right, I’m walking down the stairs in search of Rainbow, who I know is here somewhere. She’s writing her CV. Now, if you aren’t British like I am (for some reason), replace that noun with ‘résumé’. Mistake! If you aren’t British as I am, replace...
You see? I admit it, my friends: I am just a pony who makes mistakes from time to time. Why does that sound familiar? Ah yes, from our unaired script. We had some funny little plots lined up, but I’m afraid it’s all superfluous now (nice big word). I feel so smart when I use big words. I remember I used some nice big words in season two. What a season that was. My favourite. I shall miss acting.
Rainbow threw a pencil at Twilight’s head; it connected.
Ah, I see you’ve used the semicolon correctly. Well done, although you could have used a colon there as the second sentence expands on the one preceding it – which means you perhaps should have and therefore used the semicolon clunkily.
Twilight flinched as an immaterial fist feigned a punch.
Aha! You’re deliberately placing responsibility on the fist! Transitivity, aha ha, what a nifty little trick. You didn’t threaten to hit me, no, no! Your fist decided to drive itself into my face! Yes, you have nothing to do with it, aha ha. Nice try, punk!
The narrator thought Twilight was being a smartass. Twilight privately agreed.
Shut it, please; you’ll make me look bad. There. That’s how you could use a semicolon – to avoid a comma splice. You could also utilise the most versatile punctuation mark – the dash. See what I did there? (Do you see what I did there? Yes, yes, I know it’s a question, not a poorly punctuated imperative sentence!) It’s great – I use them all over the place. They’re like colons but more flexible. Such fun!
OK, I know, OK. I shall return to the story. (I really want to parse the latter sentence all of a sudden. That blatant phrasal verb one of whose words could be mistaken as belonging to a prepositional phrase! Urgh! Calm yourself, Twilight, calm.)
Suddenly, I retract what I said about your semicolon usage: it could, in that context, be replacing a coordinating conjunction, thus avoiding a comma splice – and the simple sentence ‘it connected’ doesn’t really expand on its predecessor quite as this very sentence does its.
Enough, I know. Enough. Rainbow’s pencil just hit me in the head. (I can play around with responsibility too, you know.) Now I shall speak with her.
Twilight cleared her throat to announce her presence, which was silly because Rainbow wouldn’t have thrown a pencil at her if she wasn’t aware of it.
But she could have, Mr Talking All the Time! She could have simply thrown her pencil, and it happened to connect with my head!
The point was subsequently conceded.
Enough, I say again. Enough. I’ve cleared my throat as you said, and now I shall speak with Rainbow.
‘So,’ said Twilight rather lamely (oh, come on!), ‘how’s it coming at?’
Rainbow sighed and shrugged. ‘Shit.’
‘Ah,’ said Twilight. ‘I see you’re making use of the fact we aren’t on-air.’
‘Fucking right.’
‘Well, let’s see what you’ve got so far.’
Twilight Sparkle, the insufferable nerd, leaned in with a kind of feverish haste, licking her lips at the prospect of again asserting her grammatical prowess.
OK, I admit it! I like being nerdy. What’s wrong with that? Now get going, and no more rivalrous narration! It’s confusing, having to switch between the two all the time with no obvious indication. Tch!
The fist shook itself threateningly near her face.
Oh, ha ha. Get a wriggle on.
Twilight read over Rainbow’s effort.
‘”I have a Bachelor’s degree”,’ she read aloud. ‘”Give job”. Well.’
Rainbow raised a brow. ‘What?’
‘First, is that true? And second, come on. “Give job”? Are you serious?’
‘What’s wrong with it?’ grunted Rainbow.
Twilight turned to the out-of-service fourth-wall camera and winked. ‘I’m so glad you asked.’
She tapped the paper sharply. ‘“Give” is a transitive verb, which requires an object. Two objects, in fact, in this context. A direct one and –’
‘Indirect,’ grunted Rainbow.
‘Good!’ said Twilight eagerly. ‘So what we should be looking at is “Give me” – you see, we have the indirect object, the pronoun “me” – and then we want a determiner, Rainbow. We want “Give me a job.” We now have a little noun phrase and our direct object!’
‘Yippee.’
‘Beautiful grammar! Simple, yes, but effective! On the whole, however, I doubt this effort will land you anything reputable. Perhaps a stint selling Medium-sized Issue magazines outside a corner shop. Still, a retired actress could do worse!’
That’s Rainbow for you, my friends. She’s a wonderful athlete but simply refuses even to half-heartedly embrace the magical world of grammar. What a shame! I’m sure she’d love it if she gave it a whirl. We learned that about her in season two. Oh, the memories! The memories!
Rewind! Oho ho ho ho! You thought that was unintentional, did you? Think again! I, Twilight Sparkle, did not slip up accidentally! No, no, no! Do you see it? Do you see the split infinitive? Aha ha ha! ‘Audience participation required’, as they say! To half-heartedly embrace! Aha ha! The idea! To embrace half-heartedly, etc., etc. I am such a comedian!
We must continue, however, and deviate no further. I am aware this story is in danger of dragging on.
Rainbow spent the next ten minutes trying again. In that time, Spike, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie all wandered in and posed awkwardly, as if awaiting a camera flash and theme tune.
‘Right!’ said Rainbow loudly. ‘This time!’
‘”I am amazing at everything, and its totally awesome that I am!”’ read Twilight. ‘”If you don’t give me a job I will never be awesome for you again and you don’t want that” – Rainbow, this is juvenile! Punctuation errors! And you’ve used the determiner “its” instead of the contraction “it’s”! I am sick and tired of that very mistake! Also! Comma after your subordinate clause beginning “if” and another comma before the coordinating conjunction “and” as it’s connecting independent clauses!’
‘But apart from that?’
‘Very good.’
‘Great,’ said Rainbow, grinning. ‘Give it back then, shithead.’
‘Rainbow! You simply must use a comma when using “then” like that! If you intend it to mean “in that case”, at any rate. You don’t mean “Give it back then”, at a specific point in time, do you, so behave yourself!’
‘Twilight, I said that out loud! How could you possibly –?’
‘There’s no escape! And no excuse!’
My dear friends, see how things are? We have been driven to accept slovenly conventions by the oppressive agents of society! I shall preserve what must be preserved and fight ceaselessly for what is right! Also, yes, I noticed! ‘Do you see how things are?’ and not a poorly punctuated imperative sentence!
‘Twilight!’ screamed the rest of the mane six.
‘Capitalise that proper noun at once!’ shrieked Twilight.
As he fixed ‘Mane Six’, the narrator hung his head – but not himself, thankfully.
‘YOU CAN’T HAVE “HUNG” YOURSELF!’ howled Twilight, frothing at the mouth. ‘IT’S “HANGED”! All of you! You just don’t get it!’
‘Twilight, this is why our show got cancelled,’ began Spike. ‘Because we’re making characters too smart and too deep for their own damn good and certainly that of the story. We’re wasting time being grounded, like swearing Rainbow over there... who’s now making a rude hoof gesture, yeah, fuck you too, bitch! Anyway. Yeah. What happened to caring about what really matters? Meaning. Tone. The bigger picture.’
‘The bigger picture?’ Twilight shook her head, feeling betrayed. ‘There is no bigger picture! Spike... you are dead to me.’
‘Maybe he’s right,’ said Applejack uneasily. ‘Those scripts that got the no-no... were they really better than what y’all were doing before?’
‘Hah! Well... no, no, of course they weren’t! Season two! The best was season two!’
‘And did you care this much about grammar back in season two?’
‘I... well, no.’
‘Did anyone care about being fuller, more well-defined, thicker, dirtier, “better”?’ said Rarity. ‘Did anyone really care about appearing “good”, or “right”?’
Twilight hanged her head and didn’t even bother correcting the narrator’s mistake.
‘No,’ she whispered.
‘Things were good because they weren’t trying to be,’ said Applejack. ‘They were good because we were who we were however we wanted to be and whenever. We did things, and that was it. We kept it simple. Who needed to know exactly why, or exactly how, or exactly who surrounded us as we did them? Come on, Twi, you’ve got to remember that.’
Pinkie nodded. Fluttershy sniffed.
‘We did, and people watched. Now that’s a simple little compound sentence to understand, ain’t it?’ Applejack chuckled. ‘Come back to the good old days, Twi. Drop all this grammar nonsense. Let’s go watch our old show and enjoy life.’
‘See,’ began Twilight, sniffing. ‘Heh.’ She wiped her eyes and held up her tears. ‘See that?’ They nodded. ‘”Do you see that?” and NOT A POORLY PUNCTUATED IMPERATIVE SENTENCE AHAHAHAHAHAHFGSDLFJAKSHFDKJASHDFBASJDFHTWILIGHTSPARKLEANNIHILATESFICKLEAPPLEJACKAHSDFJKLAFBJAKDSVFJBADFIDON’TEVENCAREABOUTGRAMMARANYMORENISHDFKJbljdsabfkhGLUSJKHLjgkjhb
Author's Note
Bottom line, guys. As long as it does the job, who gives a shit about ticking the boxes people think you should tick. Enjoy writing and enjoy the show, however your grammar is and whichever season you're into. And yes, this whole thing was for fun and not serious or supposed to be taken seriously.
