You are Anon. The only human in Equestria. Do they really have to call it Equestria? Might as well call Earth "Humantopia".
Anyway, the land of colorful little talking horses is your new home, and has been for a week. Specifically Ponyville (again with the horse-themed names). You have been staying in a giant crystal castle with two ponies, Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer, and Spike the dragon. One day you just showed up in the town with no memory of how you got there or who you were before you arrived. The ponies have agreed to let you stay in the castle until they can find a way to get you home.
The castle has some of the luxuries of home, but not all of them. You miss the internet. Cheetos. The internet. Your car. Microwaved hot pockets. But most of all, the internet. How are you expected to live without daily shitposting or memes? It's unbearable.
"Anon, are you even listening?" comes an annoyed voice. Starlight Glimmer is standing over you, scowling at you as you lay in your bed.
You shake the distracting thoughts from your head, inadvertently answering no to her question, causing her to sigh.
"You used all of my sparkling lotion," she (apparently) repeats. "That was a gift from a friend. A very expensive gift."
You sweat a little, hoping she doesn't realize you totally used it all for a long, sensual wanking session. "Maybe it was your sister. Twinkle Sprinkle?" you say.
"It's Twilight Sparkle, we're not sisters, she doesn't even use the same bathroom as me, and your hands are still sparkling," she says, getting increasingly agitated. Crap. You have been wondering why your hands and penis look like they're covered in invisible glitter.
"I mean, your names are similar, you live together, you both have similar butt tattoos, and you're both purple. Sisters," you say with a nod of finality.
Starlight groans. "Look. I know it was you. Shouldn't you, I don't know, offer to replace it? Apologize? Anything?"
Well, it looks like there is not going to be any practical solution here. You decide to deal with it the best way you know how. "Suck my dick," you say dismissively, closing your eyes and humming.
You hear a groan that becomes a frustrated snarl. "I swear to Celestia, if you tell me to suck your dick one more time..."
You open your eyes and sit up, shuffling to sit on the edge of your bed. With a straight face, you slowly say "Sssuuuucckk.."
Starlight narrows her eyes, her lips pursed. Her horn begins to glow threateningly.
You stand up from the bed, facing her. "Mmmyyyy..."
The magical aura around her horn brightens.
You place your sparkly hands on either side of your crotch, blatantly indicating where your dick is underneath your pants. "Di-AAAGH"
You're cut off by a sudden sharp pain in your head as Starlight zaps you with her spell. Feeling some kind of terrible, unidentifiable emptiness as if part of your soul was just ripped away, you just clutch your head and scream for what feels like a full minute. Starlight, that smug bitch, is just standing there smirking. As you finally stop screaming, you pant a couple times before turning to her. "What the fuck did you do to me?" is what you try to say. Instead, what comes out is "Woo fah coo dooo-eeee!"
Starlight laughs. She doesn't just giggle or snort, she lets out a hearty fucking laugh. "You know, I was about to tell you what I just did, but I think I'll just let you figure it out yourself," she says. That bitch! How dare she refuse you exposition?
"Moo-bbbb, tch!" you say. It was supposed to be "you bitch" but for some reason your dumb mouth just can't seem to say the words your smart brain is thinking up. Starlight laughs again.
"Well, anyway, I gotta head to work. See you later, Anon," she says, cracking up again after walking out your door.
Left alone in your room, you shake your fist furiously in her general direction, too afraid yell after her. You're gonna make that little purple horse pay for doing... whatever it is she did to you.
You know she's the friendship school's student counselor. You just need a plan. Maybe a disguise? No, your fake mustache won't fool anyone. Burn down the school? Arson is a little too murdery for your tastes. Go to her office and yell at- dammit, no!
You groan in rage and frustration. You don't have time for that now, anyway. You have to go to the town market and buy more tissue paper. Stupid lotion was hard to get off. Heheh... get off. You smile at the clever word play, then scowl as you realize you won't be able to tell anyone about it.
Fuck it. To the market!
You arrive in the Ponyville market, where a wide variety of horses are selling various horse things. You have a pocket full of horse money and a pair of saddlebags slung over your shoulder.
You go to the stall run by Royal Flush, a porcelain-white mare with a watery blue mane, who makes a living selling toiletries. Her cutie mark (or butt tattoo as you like to call it) is a toilet wearing a crown. The first time you met her, you had remarked that it's funny that a toilet is on her butt, rather than the other way around.
"Oh, hi, Anon!" she says in greeting. "Hey, I like what you did with your hands!"
"Aah!" you say, waving to her.
"Um, w-what? Is everything okay?" she asks, quirking an eyebrow at you.
You simply nod and point behind her at the shelf with tissue boxes on it.
"Oh. Well, alright. You need more tissue paper, I take it? Wow, you really go through this stuff fast. Are you sick again?" she says conversationally as she brings a box to the counter. You nod, glad for the out she's giving you. It certainly isn't your nose you plan on blowing into it. You smile at that. You're on a roll today.
On a roll. Like... toilet paper.
Your eyes widen as you realize your brilliance. This must be shared with the mare in front of you. You excitedly point a shiny finger at the toilet paper.
"Do you need toilet paper too?" she asks, walking over to grab a box of it. You scowl and shake your head. She gives you a confused look.
"Isn't that what you pointed at?" You nod, which only serves to confuse the mare further. "Can't you just tell me what you want?"
You shake your head.
"Why not?" she asks with genuine concern in her tone.
"Buhuhuh!" you yell, sounding more like a bleat than a "because!"
"Um... So you don't need the toilet paper, then, or...?" Royal Flush says.
You sigh heavily and reach into your pocket, fishing out four bits to pay for everything. You drop them on the counter, not even bothering to stop one coin as it rolls off the edge, and grab the two boxes, stuffing them hastily into your saddlebag.
Mind swimming with things you want to do to Starlight Glimmer, you leave the confused little toilet horse and begin making your way back to the castle.
"Come back soon!" you hear her yell after you. You wave a sparkly hand in acknowledgment without turning around. Oh yes, Starlight is going to pay. And now, you have not only an idea of how, but the means to carry it out. An evil smirk creeps its way onto your face. She will be sorry she ever crossed paths with you.
The moment you reach the castle, you drop your bags and retrieve the box of toilet paper, tearing it open. Smiling with the satisfaction of what's coming, you pull one of the four rolls out and unroll a trail of the thin tissue paper into one hand. You heft the roll in the other hand before throwing it in a high arc over a crystal branch of the tree-like castle. Ah yes, just like old times.
You retrieve the roll and repeat the action, draping another line of the toilet paper over a balcony. Your next throw, you aim dead center and throw the roll high over the middle of the castle, not seeing where it lands.
You walk around to the other side, but you don't see the roll on the ground. Damn it! It must have landed on the roof. Lost one already. You return to the box and grab a new roll, unrolling it some and preparing to throw it.
"Anon? What are you doing?" comes a voice from behind you. Turning around, you see a very confused Spike staring at you.
"Nnngh!" you reply. Crap. You smile your most innocent smile and hand him the roll, draping its tail over his arms as he accepts it, still looking as perplexed as ever. Using your foot, you push the box toward him and grab your bags before running inside the castle.
The short sprint, being more exertion than you're used to, leaves you panting for air. You decide to collapse onto your back on the hard crystal floor just inside the main entrance. Moments later, the door opens and Spike enters, carrying the box of toilet paper.
"Hey, Anon," he says casually as he passes by you. "I'll just go ahead and put this in the bathroom for you."
Well, that didn't quite go as planned. Whatever. Time to break in the new box of tissue paper. Then probably nap a bit. Then go make Starlight regret ever meeting you.
Several hours later, you wake up in your bed, the early afternoon sun spilling over you. Beams of light dance across the ceiling, reflecting off your hands. You're laying on top of your blankets with only one leg still in your pants. Ah, good ole fap 'n' nap, just what you needed. You hop out of bed and look out your window to the school that you know Starlight is in.
She's probably so scared right now. Expecting you around every corner, living in perpetual fear of your vengeance. Well, she won't have to wait long. A wicked smile graces your face and you crack your knuckles.
The walk to the school only takes fifteen minutes, counting the two quick five minute breaks you take. Just outside the main entrance, you see Gallus and Silverstream, the two weird bird creatures of the school, chatting casually.
"Oh, hey, Anon," says Gallus, being the first to see you.
Silverstream gasps and turns toward you. "Anon!" she says excitedly, "Wow, it's so great to see you! Ooh, your hands are so sparkly!"
You try to ask where Starlight is, instead producing an obnoxiously loud screech. Gallus grimaces, unamused. Silverstream, however, laughs aloud as though you just told a joke that she totally got.
"Ahaha, oh Anon, you always say the funniest things," she says.
Screw it. You can find her yourself. You brush past the two friends.
"Bye Anoooon!" Silverstream calls after you.
Inside, you look around for any hint about where Starlight's office might be. Luckily there is a map on the wall showing a simple layout of the school. You locate the office of "Guidance Counselor, S. Glimmer" and snicker under your breath. The fool. If she thinks she can hide from you, then she certainly didn't count on your expert sleuthing.
You proceed down a hall toward the office, passing young ponies and ignoring their greetings, as you mentally rehearse your plan of action. You're going to go in there and... Well, you haven't gotten that far yet, but you're certain you will think of something. The important part is just going in there.
The door comes into view. This is it. Time to make her pay. You approach it, your rage burning anew, and grab the handle. You press down until it clicks and push forward, into the room.
There she is. Sitting at her desk. She looks up at you. She opens her mouth to say something, but you don't let her spit her vile poison, cutting her off.
"Wah fwooh caw buhhh!" you say. You hiss and screech and yell incoherently as you approach her desk. "Ruuuuhh!" you roar and reach out to knock over a cup of pencils.
As the cup falls and pencils scatter across the floor, Starlight's horn lights up with magic. You find yourself suspended above the floor, immobilized and silenced by her magic.
"Anon! What the hell is wrong with you?" the unicorn growls. You try not to listen, but you really have no choice. "I was going to apologize for what I did earlier, but you're really making me want to reconsider." She sighs before continuing. "I really shouldn't have used that spell on you earlier. Which, by the way, wore off more than an hour ago... Anyway, I'm sorry. Now, if I put you down, are you going to be reasonable?"
Did you hear her correctly? You've been able to talk the whole time since you woke up from your nap? Well, better let her think you already knew that. You nod at her and she sets you down gently, removing the constricting magic field.
"Of course I knew I could talk," you say smoothly. Oh yeah, good to have your sexy voice back. You could listen to it all day.
"Right..." she says, clearly skeptical. "Anyway, I should know better than to use dangerous magic for petty reasons like that. It won't happen again. But could you please stop telling ponies to suck your dick?"
You rub your chin in thought. "I dunno. What's in it for me?"
"Being a better pony? Er, human? Not making enemies of everypony you meet? Having friends?"
"Hmmm..." You pause for dramatic effect, not actually needing to think about it. "Nah."
"Ugh. Anon, have you not learned anything from this? Nothing at all?"
"Suck my dick," you say. Oh yes, revenge is so sweet. "Suck my diiiick! Suuuuck my dick, my dick, yeah, suck it! Suck, mm yeah, my dick, uh huh!" You sing and dance around, making lewd gestures. After a few moments you get tired and just stand there grinning broadly over your victory.
Starlight is utterly unamused. She looks down to pick up the scattered pencils and the cup with her magic. "You know what? I don't even care. I learned an important lesson today, and I'm a better pony for it. If you didn't, then it's really just your own problem, not mine. Also, there's toilet paper on your shoe."
You look down at your shoe. Stuck to the bottom of it is the tissue paper you used earlier before your nap. "Ha, that's not even toilet paper. So, really, you're the one who looks stupid here."
The pony rolls her eyes. "Anyway, school just got out, so I'm gonna go get Twilight and head back to the castle. You're welcome to come along, but you can't stay here after we close the doors."
"Eh, got nothing better to do," you say, shrugging. "Lead the way."
"Really? A speech jamming spell? Modified on the fly to work on a human? Wow, Starlight, I'm impressed," Twilight says. "And it sounds like you learned an important lesson about friendship today too!"
The three of you are nearing the castle. Starlight told the whole story to her mentor during the short walk. Twilight turns to you, smiling.
"And what about you, Anon? Did you learn a lesson about friendship too?" she asks.
Well, maybe not the whole story.
"Oh, uh, yeah! I sure won't be telling anyone to suck my dick again," you say very convincingly.
"I'm so proud of the both of you," Twilight says, beaming. She flashes the two of you her wide smile before turning her head back toward the castle. "Huh? What's that? Is that... toilet paper?"
"Anon," Starlight says, hoof on her face, "did you seriously try to TP the castle after we left?"
"Well..." you say, sweating.
Twilight looks annoyed. "Seriously, Anon? How childish can you be?"
"Suck my dick," you say automatically.
Twilight gasps. "Did you seriously just...?"
You nod, smiling smugly.
She growls. "I thought you learned an important friendship lesson today. But you didn't learn anything, did you?"
You blink. "Suuuuck," you begin.
Twilight's eyes narrow and her horn begins to glow. Starlight, standing on the other side of Twilight, shakes her head at you and repeatedly pulls a hoof across her throat, clearly signaling for you to stop.
"Myyyyy," you continue.
The purple aura around Twilight's horn glows brighter. Starlight sighs and places a hoof on her face.
"Dick!" You say it quickly, just before the spell hits you, causing you to cry out in pain. You feel a familiar yet odd soul-ripping sensation. A moment later, you're on the ground, clutching your head and screaming yet again.
The two ponies have to yell to hear each other over your agonized screams. "Really, Twilight? That's the same spell I used. We just went over the lesson I learned about not using it."
"Yeah," Twilight replies, "but I haven't learned a new friendship lesson in a while, and it sounded like a good one."
Starlight begins laughing, and Twilight soon joins her as you writhe on the ground.
Worth it.
Author's Note
After reading Bugging Out, I felt like I wanted to try my hand at a silly Anon fic. This story was heavily inspired by it. Hope you enjoyed it!
