Chapter Obi-One: Of Bullshit and Collectable Shit.
He, Mojowuq9, appeared. He was very confused. He was literally in school a millisecond ago, and had just made a character for r/Bossfight on Reddit. Now he was here. And he was holding....the Say-Kay Forte-7:
"Fucking Sweeeeet~" he sang in a singsong tone, calling out to the day. Looking around, he saw a city. This would be complete okay, if it wasn't on the side of a mountain. Like.....Can....ter....l..o..t..... he thought, his face slowly turning into one of horror.
".....AHH, SHHHHHIIIII-!!!!!!"
Celestia was feeling great. She was skipping happily down the hall. Our ~~hero~~, I mean, our ~~big fucking dissapointment~~, lemmie try again....our ~~weird Clopper dude~~, wait, shit....that'll work. Okay, our weird Clopper dude was not faring so well.....
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII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Don't even ask me how the fuck he screeched for that long. Wait, he's a Notemancer. He needs a voice like that. Sorry for the.....12528 'I's. I'll interrupt him next time. So, he has calmed down. "*Panting*"
"Shit, that isn't from sex. This sure as hell isn't clop."
"Oh....god....why....you?" He breathlessly, literally, said, panting between every word for 1.5 seconds.
"Why not?"
"Good....point. Hah, that was great."
"That's what Celestia will be saying."
"Shut up. We both know you're here for the word count, Clopper. Come on, I'm randomly in Equestria. It's a fic."
"True, I am here for that. Also, I will be narrating all clop." 'You won't be!' the author's sexy voice boomed from nowhere, causing Zecora, who was watching them, to cum instantly, spraying her juices all over the forest's floor. Oh yeah, they're in a forest. Also, writing that back there wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it was going to be. Zecora managed to be quiet enough for our weird Clopper dude to not hear he-
"Zecora was watching us. She just came, probably due to the author trolling." The voice inside Mojo's head said, that fucking plot-destroyer! Wait! Shit, almost forgot! *Saves chapter and adds Sex/Non-Con tag to the story.* Whew! That would've sucked if I had forgotten! *Nervous laughter* So, our weird Clopper dude walks over to the bushes, to see Zecora panting while laying on the ground, her face completely red. Her eyes were clenched shut."You know you want to."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"No."
"Okay."
"Wait, shit-!" Mojo began laughing maniacally, and Zecora, frightened, scampered away, backing against a tree. Mojo noticed this.
"Sorry. I was having a battle within my head with a guy who wanted me to rape you. I didn't, 'cause this isn't Fall of Equestria." Zecora, after a second of looking him over, sighed and shakily stood. She had one question to ask, however.
"What's Fall of Equestria you talk about? It is most likely bad, without a doubt." Damn, that took three minutes to figure out.
"Hmm? Oh, some dude conquers Equestria and turned all the mares into sex slaves while the stallions become the masters with the dude. Don't worry, it can't happen, you guys aren't anthro."
"Anthro? You can tell me what that is, no?" Jesus, writing her dialogue is fucking annoying.
"Basically the species of equus on two legs, and with 'hands', like these." He wiggled his fingers, and Zecora started having lewd thoughts about them pleasuring her... "Well, I'll see you later. Wait! Do you have a quest?" Zecora thought about this for a few seconds, debating an ethical dilemma. She wanted this creature to dominate her for seemingly no reason. Was it okay for her to give in? She decided to,
"Actually I do, a difficult one too, now, come with me, and you'll find I'm true." Holy shit, I read that in her voice. Damn, that makes this shit easier. Y'know, writing her dialogue. Seriously, try it, it does wonders...
"Time to dick a pony!" How to Clopper: 101. Yep, he did it with this one.
"Subtle." Our weird Clopper dude said with a raised eyebrow, referring to Captain Clopper's chosen dialogue. Luckily, any dialogue, unless I say so, that is between Mojo and Clopper will be in his head. "Also, she's a Zebra, but writers clearly don't give a shit that her x pony is interspecies, and don't say so." Oh yeah, there will be clop, but for now, he is walking through the Everfree, avoiding the weird tentacle plants, and when said plants get close, he yells shit about weird hentai and fires his gun at them, musical notes cutting them into pieces, commenting sorry after. After a long fucking time without any interesting shit going on, they finally reach Zecora's hut. Bitch, I'm not going to describe it. *Sees word count.* GOD! Anyways, I guess I will be describing it... *Searches up a picture on Google Images.* Let's see here...yep, there, that'll do. The hut is carved into a living tree, much like a few parasites burrow into your skin and live there. There were a few, actually made for ponies/zebras masks, which was surprising considering the fact ponies have fucking claw hammers, with the same handle. Seriously, what the fuck. Shit, now I want to post that meme format....oh well. Masks were scattered, on leaning against a.....probably root, and one was hanging above the door....a few branches sticking out from it. There were potions, hopefully not some TF stuff, now that's some ganky shit, hanging from the obviously suffering tree's branches, like the eggs of a parasite. TREES ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!! The tree looked twisted, and looked to be surrounded in a swamp, but that's probably just the show.
Before this becomes an issue, more then it already is, we should describe what Mojowuq9 looks like. He is wearing armor made of overlapping Compact Disks, with briefs underneath. Dat btch no likey commando-ing. He was holding the weapon from the beginning in the opposite way that FPS's do it, on the left side of the screen, not the right. He was wearing a symbol covering his face, slits cut into it for sight and a strap keeping it snugly against his face. Also, there was padding in it.
Mojo walked into Zecora's hut, and was going to complete his quest......
Even if it required me to write my first clop.
Author's Note
IDK what the fuck's going on. If want to put your character in here, PM my ass, or ask how to PM my ass in the comments.
Play Dwarf Fortress.
Chapter You Two-ob: Of Clop and Canterlot.
LOL no clop. So, Mojo has just dicked Zecora. "Holy shit...." She breathes. She had forgotten her rhyming after the first minute. He has to collect his reward, and he asked her if he had finished his quest. "Y-yes..." She said, and suddenly he jumped up, stark naked. He spun in place, that Legend of Zelda item-get sound. This abomination appeared in his hand, which was raised in the air:
A bar suddenly appeared atop his head, lengthening a bit.
"HA! I have earned XP! Now I can enter Ponyville! I will be back, Zecora!" Mojo ran to the window, yeeting out of it, but not without opening it first. "YEET!"He hit the ground, rolled, and began running, repeating 'B' over and over again. Why? Figure it out. He kept running, the trees whipping past him. He burst through the tree line, tripping on a root that was sticking out of the ground. He hit the ground and rolled, standing up. "Tada, motherfuckers!" Nobody was there, but that would change soon. He walked, deciding to use his phone- "Wait, my phone?! I thought my mom shattered it?!" He pulled it out of his pockets, because he's wearing trackpants under the CD armor. He turned on the Samsung Galaxy S7 Lite (I think, my phone's been gone for a while.), and he cringed. "Oh yeah, I have mlp porn as my home screen....should I fix it? Hmmmmm........eh, fuck it, I'm keeping it." What picture? Well, I can't show it, because it's porn. Tentacle porn, to be exact. Yeah, he, and technically I, am into some weird shit. When he (I) used it as his background, it only showed Celestia. Basically, it was the four princesses deepthroating tentacles. All their ears were back, and they were enjoying it. Yeah, he (I) am into some weird shit. In fact, I remember a question one of my friend's friend asked me:
"How do you get off on that?"
She was referring to how I jack it to mlp porn. I answered that I have no fucking idea. Yeah, I tell everybody that I watch this type of porn. I've actually made friends despite this. Guess where Captain Clopper comes from. Anyways, he decided to put on some music. He reached the town. To show that he meant no harm, he played some music. Being a Notechromancer, he could play any instrument without learning it. Rather then doing this, he went onto Youtube, after connecting to the local Wi-Fi, Faust1337, which did not bode well. He did it anyways, and put on this song:
The ponies found it catchy, bobbing their heads lightly to the music. He walked up to one, Lyra, and reached forward. "Wha-.....Ooohhhh~" She ended with a drawn-out moan, Mojo scratching behind her left ear. She sat down, and he began to scratch under her muzzle, causing her to tilt her head backwards. Her right leg was thumping like a dog's. After 5 minutes, he pulled ~~out~~ AWAY, leaving her panting in a way he knew.
"Damn, that's hot." Yeah, that way. The ground was soaked under her, probably because she was wet. No, he didn't dump water on her. She was sexually wet. Clearly she was close, so he began to pet her again, scratching behind her ears, under her muzzle, and at the base of her horn. After another minute, she cried out, cumming all over the dirt road. She fell back, but he caught her. The mare was panting, and she dreamily looked at him, a grin on her muzzle. He gently lied her down, spreading his arms as he leveled up. Suddenly, his left elbow turned 90 degrees, bringing it in front of his face, his fingers curled along with his wrist, and, after a second, his arm shot out, smoke enveloping it. It settled down, and suddenly he knew what this was. He had unlocked his first 'Narcmid', which was called 'Stone'. It would get an enemy stoned by firing out a cloud of weed smoke. High, the enemy's accuracy and agility will be lowered, making them less affective fighters. It gets better with level, and, at high levels, it can stone hydras. The smoke disappeared, being replaced with a blunt, which was between his index and middle finger. He bent his elbow 90 degrees-ish, and the hand was at the same level as your left hand when you use Plasmids in Bioshock. His palm was facing him, the blunt (Basically a weed cigarette, for those who don't know, which you probably do.) outwards. He flicked his arm outwards, and a cloud of smoke flew from his hand, going very fast. It hit a pony, who stumbled. Green magic enveloped it, and the pony turned into a changeling. Mojo pulled out his ~~dick~~ Say-Kay Forte-7, and shot the drone 10 times, killing it. It walked up to it, stood over it's head, and began to tee-bag it. Using the Narcmid for the first time had completely drained his Heroin. He shoved a syringe into his arm, quickly injecting the very addictive drug into him. The Heroin meter at the top-left of his vision refilled. While he was injecting, his fingers curled, and his wrist went rigid. When he pulled the needle out, his hand settled down. He rested his arm at his side, the blunt in his hand disappearing. He noticed that he got some XP, along with a quest:
-Insect Hive Part 1: Capture live Changeling
He decided to keep that as a side quest, and wait for a main one. He walked into the town square, and suddenly a cat blinked into existence. Great, a boss fight. He thought, walking up to the cat. A list appeared above the cat:
-Fight
-Run, Bitch
-Befriend
-Sell Drugs To
"Uhhh.....yeah, I'm not doing that last one. Hey, wanna be friends?"
"Sure. You be the first friend I've ever had, including my parents."
"Okay, then! Now, what happens now?" His XP bar filled by 1/3, and he now has a companion. A golden flash appeared, and Celestia was now standing on the other side of the square. She looked pissed.
"SURRENDER, YOU MONSTER!!!!" She screeched, and Mojo spun.
"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" He began to run, but he disappeared in a golden flash, landing heavily on the throne room floor. Celestia landed on her throne, and got into an aggressive stance. a health bar appeared over her head, filling to full as she charged her horn, fire crackling across her body, her eyes shining white. "Damn, that was pretty fucking awesome. True boss fight reveal." Celestia growled, and a loud voice shouted something from nowhere, a word that echoed across the room....
FIGHT!!!
Author's Note
DRUGS WILL NOT GIVE YOU SUPERPOWERS, DO NOT DO THEM!!!!
Have a nice day.
